health his water was carried to many and all that saw it concluded that hee that sent it was a sound man but could proceed no further therefore his opinion was that all Physitians were fooles and not one learned man amongst them This being told an ancient graue Doctor that practised about the Citie by one of the Coachmans acquaintance by whom he had vnderstood euery particular before related he wrought with him to perswade the Coachman to bring his water to him which tooke effect But in their iourney towards the Doctor they drinking somewhat hard the Coachmā carrying his vrinall empty pist it full which his friend seeing fie saith hee carry not all this water along for shame poure out halfe at least otherwise he will perceiue we haue beene drinking the Coachman was perswaded and did so On they went and whilst the Coachman staid below his friend went vp to see if the Doctor were at leasure and told him all that past by the way This done the Patient is call'd vp who presents his Vrinal to the Doctor with many a low congee outwardly though scoffing inwardly The Doctor he turnes and tosses the glasse sometimes chafing it against the fire then againe holds it vp to the light at last he breakes into these words I perceiue by this water that hee that made it was a Carter or Carman Truly saith he if it please your Worship you come the nearest of all the Doctors I haue tryed yet and yet you are wide from the marke Wilt thou tell mee that saith the Doctor sure I am he is one that gets his liuing by the whip Therein you are right again answered the other for to tell you true he was a Coachman Very good saith the Doctor now this Carter being drunke fell from his Cart and the wheele ran ouer him and brake his leg You are right in all things sir if you would change the Cart the Carter into the Coach Coachmā Interrupt me not saith the Doctor this Carter breaking his Leg fell after into a dangerous Feuer of which he is since recouered Good your worship Good your Worship no more Carter nor Cart if you loue mee for of my knowledge he was a Coachman and fell from his Coach His Coach saith the Doctor still looking vpon the Vrin I prethee truely resolue me is here all the water that was made No indeed saith the fellow I poured out halfe by the way Nay I thought as much then there went away the other two wheeles saith the Doctor for there cannot bee aboue two contained in this Vrinall The Coachman admires his cunning departs satisfied with his skill saith hee shall haue his custome with all his comrades and vowed onely for his sake to speake well of Doctors euer after 59. A Taylor A Taylor bringing to a Gentleman a bill of extraordinary length because it included many reckonings and altogether despairing of present payment because the party had a present purpose to trauell the Gentleman demands what hee would bate him of the maine bill and hee would pay him downe the rest in ready money ready cash quoth the Taylor being extaside with the very thought I will bate you saith he a full yard City measure and that 's a handfull more take it off in the middle the top or the bottome either of all these three chuse you which 60. A Cheater A Cheater hauing stolne a cup out of a Tauerne and being pursude and taken in the streets there grew on the sudden a great tumult of people and a great confluence was gathered together a ciuill Gentleman passing and seeing another come from thence that had bin at the vproare demanded of him what was the reason of that throng nothing saith hee but that one hath gotten a cup too much alas saith the other nothing else that may bee an honest mans fault and mine as soone as anothers 61. A handsome wench and a Iustice A Handsome wench for some suspicious businesse beeing brought before a Iustice somewhat late in the euening and hee taking compassion of her because shee was faire and seeming modest wisht the man that broght her before him to take her home and lodge her that night and he would heare the businesse more at large in the morning Marry with all my heart saith hee Master Iustice so you will but commit my wife which is now at home to the Counter till the morning 62. A cleanly lye WIll Kempe by a mischance was with a sword run quite through the leg a Country Gentleman comming to visit him asked him how he came by that mischāce he told him and withall troth saith he I receiued this hurt iust eight weekes since and I haue line of it this quarter of a yeare and neuer stirr'd out of my Chamber 63. Gentlemen at an Ordinary CErtaine Gentlemen being in Game at an Ordinary euery one complained of a filthy ranke smel that was amongst them which grew still hotter and hotter in their Noses At length saith one of them iestingly I pray you Gentlemen which of you amongst vs here vseth to weare Socks A Countrey Gentleman one of the company presently answered not I I protest I neuer knew what belongs to them 64. Of a deafe Hostesse A Young Gentleman hauing a deafe hostesse vsed to put many Iests vpon her and one day hauing invited diuers of his friends to dinner and thinking to make them merry taketh a glasse of wine and maketh signes to the good old woman that he dranke to her and saith here Hostesse I will drinke to you and to all your friends namely the Baudes and Whores in Turnebull street to whom she innocently said I thanke you Sir euen with all my heart I know you remember your Mother your Aunt and those good Gentlewomen your sisters 65. Of a Prentice A Young Boy comming out of the Countrey and being new bound Prentice seeing my Lord Maiors show and wondring at the great pompe and state hee rid in I marry saith he now I see what wee must all come too 66. A Spaniard and a Dutchman A Spaniard and a Dutchman meeting in an Inne were appointed to bee bedfellowes the Dutchman went first to bed expecting the other who before hee vncas'd himselfe takes out of his mouth a set of teeth and wiping them laid them in a cleane napkin The Dutchman being still awake began to wonder In the meane time hee takes off his counterfeit haire and showes a head quite bald The other still obserues him Then he takes out an artificiall eye wipes it and layes it by the rest This began to startle the other who by this time had serued off his siluer Nose and then makes towards the bed which the Dutchman seeing leapes out of the bed crying the Deuill the Deuill 67. A great Lords entertainment THe Maior of Exeter entertaining the Earle of Essex in his returne from his first Cales voyage at dinner intreated my Lord to relate vnto him all the passage of the assaulting
Goose 161. An honourable Theefe 162. Of S. P. Q. R. 163. An Oppressour 164. A wrie Nose 165. Of vsury 166. A Scholler and a Townsman 167. Of an ignorant fellow 168. An old horse 169. Fire and Toe 170. Borrowing of a Cloake 171. One begd for a foole 172. A Traueller drowned 173. A Knight of Italy 174. A Gentleman boasting of hic Wit 175. A Iustice and a Baud. 176. Of a Citizen and a Gardeners Boy 177 Anold Vicar 178. Two debawsht follewes 179. A lame Horse 180. A Woman and her Husband 181. A Townsman and a Scholler 182. Of fiue Vintners 183. Two striuing for the Wall 184. The answer of a Doctor 185. A Horsecouser 186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King 187. Women Writers 188. A Country fellow at a Gentlemans Table 189. Of curtaling names 190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen 190. A Knight and his man 191. A Doctor of Physicke and a Seruing man 192. One that parted a Fray 193. A bargaine in Smithfield 194. An Vsurer dying 195. A Doctor and Scholler To the Booke I Now expose thee little Booke To all that daigne on thee to looke And doe not take mee for a Cooke because professing You haue an Ordinary here For which you shall not pay too deare And yet be seru'd with change of chear and of my dressing Yet tell them they are inuited guests And seldome meet they with such feasts Where nothing is disht in but iests and sauc'd with laughter They shall not meet I dare compare Where Geese Pigs are nothing rare The like in Bartholmews next Fayer nor the day after I wish it may not be your lots Poore Pupes to be rent by sots Or such as will stop Muster pots for that beleeue me Would like a Chandlers greasie fist Who raps his wares in what be list As well in things applaus'd as hist no little grieue me T' were better thou shouldst Critticks meet Whose very lookes will sower what 's sweet Who though they carpe at euery sheet nay page or pagine In sooth I shall not much admire Though they with thee Tobacco fire For so perhaps some may desire as I imagine Much nobler 't is to suffer so By such as something seeme to know But wherefore in such rage to grow I le not compell them So farewell Booke I make thee free To ieere at them that iest at thee Though thou be hurt it harmes not me prethee so tell them Change of Cheare OR A Banquet of Iests 1. Of a Country-man and a Constable A Simple Country-man hauing terme busines in London and being somewhat late abroad in the night was staid by a Constable and somewhat harshly entreated the poore man obseruing how imperiously he commanded him demanded of him what hee was to whom he replyed I am the Constable and this is my Watch. And I pray you sir for whom watch you saith the man marry answered the Constable I watch for the King for the King replyes he againe simply then I beseech you Sr. that I may passe quietly and peaceably by you to my Lodging for I can bring you a certificate from some of my neighbours who are now in towne that I am no such man 2. A casheird Captaine A Captaine in the Low-countries being Casheird and his company conferred vpon another hee grew more priuate and Melancholy and not long after being met by the others Leiftenant was kindly saluted and after other complements demanded why hee was of late so strange to absent himselfe so long from his Captaine who much desired to see him who answered I pray you commend me to your Captaine and tell him he had my pany too late 3. Of a Iustice of Peace and a Horse-stealer A Horse-stealer was brought to bee examined before a Iustice who finding the fellony to be most apparent Well friend saith hee if thou beest not hangd for this fact I le bee hangd for thee I humbly thank your Worship replyed the theefe and when the time comes I desire you that you will not be out of the way 4 The Principall of an House A Pleasant fellow came vnto the Principall of a house and pretending that hee had receiued some iniury by some of the Societie complained vnto him in this manner Sir said hee I have beene abused by a company of Rascals belonging to this House and knowing you to bee Principall I thought good to acquaint you with the businesse and so proceeded c. 5. A Gentleman arrested A Gentleman being arrested and brought before a Country Maior who was by Profession a Tanner being somewhat roughly hanled by the Sergeants and espying an Oxe hide in the place where they stayd him till the Maior was ready to come forth My freinds quoth hee what neede you trouble your selues so much about me when me thinkes you had more neede and it would better become you to brush your Masters Gowne that lyes on the ground 6. A Batchelours answer touching Mariage A Lady obseruing a Gentleman that was a Batchelour much giuen to Melancholy said vnto him truely Sir I am of opinion that you will neuer be truly merry till you bee maried to whom hee answered In troth Madam I am of opinion that I shall neuer laugh till my heart ake till then 7. A Counsellor and his client ONe making a long and tedious speech to a graue Counseliour in the conclusion thereof made an Apology to excuse himselfe for being so troublesome who gaue him this answer I le assure you sir you haue not beene troublesome to me at all for all the time that you were speaking my minde was of another matter 8. Of an Oatemeale-man AN Oatemeale-man a rich fellow fell at some difference with a Comedian about the towne and began to vpbraid him with his profession and according to the small talent of wit hee had came hotly vpon him with the common obiection if saith he all men were of my mind you should keepe your doores shut and find your galleries empty and then you would bee more poore and lesse proud I beleeue it replied the other so if euery man would as I could find in my heart to doe that is to forsweare the eating of Puddings and Pottage who would be more poore and lesse proud then the Oatemeale man 9. A Gentleman and a Barber A Barber comming finnically about a Gentleman was as the most of them are terribly full of talke at length hee found the leisure to aske how hee would bee trimmed Marry my friend replyed the gentleman if thou canst possibly doe it in silence 10. A wager of eating TWo Captaines the one an English mā the other a Dutch man hauing both good stomacks laid a wager which of them at one set dinner should eate most Earnest was giuen and they drew lots which should bespeake their Prouant it fell to the Dutch man who presently went downe into the Kitching and bespoke of the Hostesse of the ordinary a fat Capon and a dozen of Larkes and so
it a Butt he might and no way improperly in his small Epitome of Chronicle cal it a Rundlet 5 The Mariage of the Arts. THe Play called The Mariage of the Arts being presented before King Iames at Woodstocke he in regard that it was somewhat tedious and himselfe weary with so long sitting offered twice or thrice to goe away which being obserued by an ingenious Scholler of the other Vniuersity hee writ these verses When Christ-Church showd their mariage to the King Lest that their match should want an offering The King himselfe did offer what I pray He offered twice or thrice to goe away 51. Of a Scholler maried A Scholler having married a yong wife and being still at his booke preferring his serious study before dalliance with her as she was one day wantoning whilest he was reading Sir saith shee I could wish my selfe that I had been made a booke for then you would bee still peering vpon mee and I should never night nor day bee out of your fingers so would I sweet heart answered he so I might chuse what booke to whom she againe answered and what booke would you wish mee to bee marry sweet wife saith he an Almanacke for so I might haue euery yeer a new one 52. An Epitaph THe Lord chiefe Iustice Femming that succeeded Iudge Poppans in his place being both a learned and mercifull Gentleman being deceased a pleasant fellow writ of him this Epitaph Iustice is dead that was of Iustice chiefe Who neuer yet hang'd true man for a theefe Nor ever was condemned for condemning Being borne in England yet he dide a Flemming 53. Of an extraordinary nose A Pleasant fellow meeting a mā in the street with an extraordinarie red nose lookes very earnestly in his face as if he had espied something there which hee wondred at the man askt what it was at which he so gazed to which hee answered friend I haue reuiewed you thus earnestly and for ought I can perceiue me thinkes your eyes are not matches no saith he I pray show a reason why they are not marry saith he because most certainly if they had beene matches your nose by this time would haue set them on fire 54. Two Innekeepers AN Inkeeper of Saffron Walden vsing euery Term cōstātly to one Inne in London the two Hosts grew into a great league of loue friendship together but euer and anon when hee of London was about his businesse or out of the way mine Host of Walden was importunate with his wife to make him a Cuckold which the modest woman at her best opportunity told to her husband what a false friend hee was to him for which he vows reuenge and taking no notice at all what was past The time came that mine Host of Walden was for the Countrey great healths and much protestation of loue there was at their parting But this iniury still sticks in mine host of Londons stomacke A toy takes him in the head in the long vacation he takes his horse rides purposely to see his old friend of Walden and comming neare the Towne he spurres somewhat hard alights in the Inne yard his horse being all of a sweat he cals for an Oftler to walke him vp and downe he was no sooner dismounted but he was espyed by his old friend and familiar acquaintance who runnes to him embraces him and cals out his wife to bid him welcome the woman appeares This is mine host saith he of London which vseth me with kindnesse and respect to whom I am so much bound and whose health I haue drunke and thou hast pledg'd so often now I pray thee Ioane with a kisse bid him welcome into the Countrey The woman in great curtesie offers him her lips whom he scornfully puts by and I pray you good woman are you wife to this man yes said shee for default of a better but I intreat you foole not me saith hee I came to visit this my friend in kindnesse and not to be derided Derided saith she why speake you that I am shee that hath laid by his side this twenty yeares I that she hath I can assure you quoth mine host of Walden But will you tell me that quoth mine host of London of certainty I know this not to bee the woman you were wont to bring to my house to lodge and lay with her Tearme by Tearme I hope I know her if I see her againe nay mine host saith he if you bee such a kinde of fellow here is no staying for mee at which words while the other stood halfe amazed hee leapes vp into the saddle and without mere pause spurres back as fast as hee can to London Mine host of Walden cals after him but in vaine the woman railes he would excuse it but cannot be heard drunkard and whoremaster are the best shee can afford him the house is all in an vproare nor could the man and wife euer be reconciled notwithstanding all his vowes and oathes with the mediation of neighbours and friends till mine host of London thinking himselfe partly reuenged sent vnder his hand and seale that it was but a meere trick put vpon him in requitall of a former iniury 55. Two old Widowes TWo old widowes sitting ouer a Cup of Ale in a Winters night entred into discourse of their dead husbands after the ripping vp of their good and bad qualities saith one of them to her maid I prethee wench reach vs another light for my husbād God rest his soule aboue all things lou'd to see good lights about the house God grant him light euerlasting and I pray you neighbour saith the other let the maid lay on some more Coles or stirre vp the fire for my husband in his life time euer lou'd to see a good fire God grant him fire euerlasting 56. A Horse-stealer A Fellow for stealing of a horse was apprehended arraigned conuicted and executed the question being made why this man was hanged it was answered for stealing a horse Nay saith the other I will assure you no such matter hee was hanged for being taken for had he stolne an hundred and neuer beene taken he might haue beene aliue at this day 57. A Baker ONe being called in question before a Iustice for giuing a Baker ill language now saith the Iustice my friend what say you to this complaint Truely sir said hee the worst words that euer I gaue him was that I held him to bee as honest a man as euer liued by bread 58. A Coachman A Mad fellow a Coachman about the Towne being drunk fell from the seat where he sare and the wheels running ouer him brake one of his legs the anguish of which droue him into a Feuer but being well recouered of them both hee had an humour to goe and proue all the prime Doctors of the Towne and try whether by his water they could tell his profession or his misfortune or the disease that before had troubled him he being then in perfect
sullen lade fall too is not his stomacke yet come to him well Ostler take away his Oysters and giue him so many Oates and bring that he scornes to eate hither to mee and see what I can doe with them which was done accordingly by that time the Horse had made an end of his Oates hee had done his Oysters the weather grew faire and he well dryed rode on his iourney 43. A famous Theefe A Famous Theefe frequenting one of our Cities where the Gates were continually shut a nights and not willing to lye in the Suburbs for feare of search or suspition acquainted himself with one of the Porters of one of the Gates and fed him with money that still when he had beene abroad about any exploit that he should be ready to let him in at what houre soeuer and this he vsed a long time till at length being taken arraigned and conuicted for many robberies and great euidences came against him the next day he was brought to the Gallowes where the Sheriffs perswading him still to confesse more and more at length he desired that they would send for this Porter which was done accordingly The poore man came quaking and trembling and the people were in great expectation of some strange thing to be reuealed all thirsting after nouelty By this time the Theefe vpon the ladder spies him and cals him to him the poor Porter in a pitiful fear asks why he sent for him and what he had to say to him To whom the Theefe replyed Troth honest Porter I onely sent for thee to tell thee that if I come not in by this and twelue a Clocke at night doe not tarry vp for me but goe to bed a Gods name and saying no more leapt off the Ladder and with this iest in his mouth was hanged in earnest 44. A young Master of Arts. A Young Master of Art the very next day after the Commencement hauing his course to common place in the Chappell where were diuers that the day before had took their degree tooke his Text out of the eigth Chapter of Iob the words were these we are but of yesterday and know nothing This text saith he doth fitly diuide it selfe into two branches our standing and our vnderstanding our standing in these words wee are but of yesterday our vnderstanding we know nothing 45. A simple Country-man A Simple fellow at an Easter time comming to receiue the Communion the Preacher hauing demanded of him diuerse easie questions and finding him ignorant in all at length askt him how many Commandements there were hee answered hee could not tell The Parson wondring at his sottish ignorance askt him how many hee thought there were Marry I thinke saith he there may be some foure or fiue Yes saith the Parson there are more Why then replyde he there may be seven or eight but if you know better then you had best tell me Why then quoth hee I will There are iust ten At which he laughed and said Nay I thought so and looked for no lesse for sure I was that you being the Parson would bring them to ten because you would keepe the tythe 46. A Courtier ONe of our Scarlet Courtiers comming on a time prancing on a great horse and alighting at the Court gate calls to one that stood by and saith to him I prethee honest fellow whilest I walke into the Court doe so much as hold my horse The man seem'd afraid of the beast and asked him withall if hee was not unruly and that one man might hold him he answered yes very easily Nay then saith hee if it be but one mans worke I would wish you to doe it your selfe for I haue more businesse in hand then walking of horses 47. Two Schollers TWo Schollers of one Colledge in the Vniversitie the one called Paine the other Culpepper were both in fault but Paine in the lesse the other in the greater but when the fault came to bee censured the fault was not lesse then expelling the Colledge but Culpepper the greater delinquent yet finding more friends had his sentence tooke off and liberty to remaine still in the house but the other suffered for example A Master of Art of another house comming to visit a friend of his that was of the Colledge where this was done amōgst other discourse askt what became of the businesse betweene the two Schollers hee told him in briefe how Paine that was in the least fault was punisht and Culpepper in the greater pardoned who instantly replyed Nay then I thinke Ovid did Prophecie of this when hee said Paena perire potest culpa perennis erit 48. Gentlemen at a Taverne TWo or three Gentlemen meeting at a Taverne about some businesse and walking up into a roome two paire of stayres high called for a pint of Wine which being drunke off and they often knocking and calling but none either answering or comming up one of the Gentlemen threw down the pint pot when instantly a drawer comes up with a quart and so left them they following their discourse and drinking to the good successe of the bargaine they were then concluding of the quart pot was likewise soone emptied they knocke againe and call none answering downe goes the quart pot and in a trice comes vp a pottle which after some respite being likewise dispatcht and they ready to call for a reckoning and so to bee gone as vnwilling to enter into further charges they call aloud but none would answer then beat they the pottle pot against the table but none yet answered at length they thundred with such violence that vp comes one of the drawers whom a Gentleman being angry at such slacke attendance meets him at the toppe of the staires and casts him headlong downe to the bottome At which all the rest of his fellowes with the Master of the house beganne to muster vp their selues and comming vp into the Gentlemens roome he demanding the reason of that violence done to his servant one of the Gentlemen answered thus Mine Host we have no way willingly transgrest the customes of your house for we observed that calling for one pint of wine and casting downe the pot you brought vp two then casting downe the quart pot you presented vs with a pottle now sitting here alone and no man regarding vs to bring vs vp a reckoning wee flung one Drawer downe the staires to no other purpose but in hope to haue two at the least to attend vs. 49. A Chronologer ONe of our late Chronologers that succeeded old Mr Iohn Stow and others in his briefe Chronicle speaking of George Duke of Clarence saith he was drowned in a Rundlet of Malmesey and being taxt by a Gentleman that he had mainly falsifyed the History in regard that Hollingshed Speed and others haue delivered to the world that hee was drowned in a whole Butt to which hee answered that hee had no way erred from the truth for if these that writ great and large Histories call
he they haue promised mee the lease of the next house that fals To whom one standing by replyed but had it beene my case I should haue petitioned for a house that stood A Mayor in the North A Mayor of a corporation in the North iust vpon the death of Queene Elizabeth to an occasion to assemble his Brethren and to make an Oration what a good Queene they had lost but wished them to take comfort for Pompey was dead and Alexander was dead and all the nine worldlings were dead but none of all these was so good a Queene as shee And moreouer saith he in this as Master Schoole-master calls it where there are no Iustices of peace and that no Officers haue any power but Maiors Coroners and Constables by reason of which many Seabaleroes take their opportunity to commit diuers outrages and mutinies hoping to scape vnpunished but saith he if all other Magistrates will take that strict order that I purpose to doe there shall none of them all haue the least hope of a resurrection 125. A man lying sicke A Man lying very sicke hauing his wife dead not long before one came to him and counselled him to leaue off the cares of this world and to thinke of a better place whither saith hee doe you thinke my wife is gone no doubt said the other by the grace of God but she is in heauen O saith he then I care not whither I goe so I come not where shee is 126. Of one Fowle a Gentleman ONe Fowle by name came vnto a great man in this Kingdome with a petition and hauing beene a long sutor was so importunate that he stirred his patience so farre that in a great rage he bad him get him gone for a Woodcocke as hee was at which the petitioner smiling humbly thankes his Lordship for doing him that present curtesie the Lord turned backe and thinking he had mockt askt him what curtesie to which he answered his Lordship truly my Lord I haue knowne my selfe for a Fowle these fifty yeres and vpwards but never knew what fowle till now that your Lordshippe resolued me his answer pleased the Lord and his suit was dispatcht instantly 127. A Gentleman in an Ordinary A Yong Gentleman late come out of the Countrey and not being well acquainted with London being at an Ordinary amongst many other Gallants to whom he was a meere stranger Gentlemen saith he I must intreat you to take notice of an humour that I haue the truth is if any man offer to touch the bread that I cut and lay by my trencher I presently stabb some smiled others lookt a little strangely vpon the businesse till at length one Gentleman that sate next him beganne thus I intreat you all likewise to take notice of another humour which I haue and it is this I protest when I perceiue any man begin to stab I stab againe and looking him in the face snacht his bread and eate it 128. A Welchman and a Cutpurse A Gentleman that had a Welchman waiting on him came to see a Play and drawing his purse at the doore which was well furnisht with Crownes was watcht by a Cutpurse who dogd him and tooke his seat close by him the Welchman sitting behind his Master obserued that whilst hee was seriously minding the sport the Cheater had cunningly conuayed his purse out of his pocket and was about to rise when presently the Welshman without more words drawes out his knife and with one slash cut off the Cheaters eare who startling at the suddennesse of the act and troubled with the smart lookt behinde him and askt him what hee meant by it The Welchman hauing his eare in his hand answered no harme done good friend no harme done giue hur Master hur purse and I will giue hur hur care 129. A Gentleman and a Parson A Pleasant conceited Gentleman riding by the high way in the companie of some friends spyed a Parson of the Country before him said Gentlemen yonder is a Scholler let vs mend our pace and you shall heare me pose him with a question and after a sleight salutation Master Parson saith hee I pray you can you resolue mee what part of speech is Qui mihi discipulus yes Sir I can saith the parson puer es cupis atque deceri the words are so familiar that I hope they need no Interpreter 130. Of Graue Maurice and Marquesse Spinola IT is reported that when Marquesse Spinola came first with an Army into the Low-Countryes that he sent word to Graue Maurice hee was now come somewhat neerer him and purposed to sit as close vnto him as his Cassocke to his backe to whom hee returned this answer that hee had often knowne when a souldier hath tooke a Merchants Cloake from his shoulders but that a Merchant should plucke off a souldiers Cassock he had seldome heard or neuer 131. Of Bishop Gardiner I Haue read that Bishop Gardiner being deposed in King Edwards dayes and sent to the Tower a fellow meeting him in the way in great derision saluted him with a low Congee and bade him good morrow Bishop Olim whose salutation hee returned in these few words Gramercy knaue semper 132. An vnhappy Vintners Boy TWo Diuines walking along the Towne the end of the Lane which they should passe through was choaked with Carts and the corner thereof being a Tauerne and hauing one doore into the Lane and another into the street they made vse of the present and as they past through the boy at the barre seeing they called for no wine Gentlemen saith he is it your custome to goe thorow a Church and not to say your prayers 133. Playing with words A Diuine willing to play more with words then to be serious in the expounding of his text spake thus in some part of his sermon this Dyall shewes wee must dye all yet notwithstanding all houses are turned into Ale-houses our cares conuerted into cures our Paradice into a paire of Dice our mariage to a merry age our Matrimony to a matter of money our Diuines into dry Vines It was not so in the dayes of Noah Ah no c. 134. Of a Landlord and his Tenant A Tenant had a horse which many times lookt into his Landlords grounds for no hedge nor ditch could stop him but he would still feed where hee saw the best grasse at length the Landlord sent word vnto his Tenant that peremptorily if euer hee tooke his horse in his ground againe he would cut off his taile This word being brought vnto the Tenant hee gaue the messenger this short answer My Landlord saith he may doe his pleasure but tell him againe from me if he cut off his tayle I le cut off his eares The Landlord vpon this menace sueth him and binds him to the peace and good behauiour but whē the cause came to bee decided the Tenant pleaded that his Landlord had much mistaken him for his answer reached no further then thus That if his
could not kill so many as hee had made before 144. A writ Nose THere was a man whose Nose leaned more towards one side then the other One disposed to play the wag with him sir saith he I know what your nose is not made of and I know what it is made of First I will assure you it is not made of wheat What then saith the other I will be iudge by all the company if it be not made of Rie 165. Of vsury ONe bitterly railing against vsury and extortion made the sin equall with wilfull murther but after vpon some vrgent necessity comming to borrow money of one of his parishioners desired to haue it for three moneths gratis Who answered him truely sir if to lend money vpon vse be in your opinion as great a sinne as murther to lend money gratis in my conceit can be a sinne no lesse then manslaughter 166. A Scholler and a Townsman ONe measuring a Scholler and a Townsman the question was which was the higstest The party hauing at that time in his hand a Pitchforke thus answered When I had first set them backe to back and after well considered them Brow to Brow I found the Townsman to bee higher then the Scholler by thus much pointing to the tines 167. Of an ignorant fellow ONe of the great stone letters fel from the top of Northampton house and beat out a schollers braines It hapned not long after that an honest good fellow that could neither write nor reade for such was the vnhappinesse of his bringing vp being in the company of three or foure very ingenious Gentlemen vpon the sudden breaks out into a deepe melancholly and saith Well I thanke God I can neither write nor reade One of the rest smiling replies you speake strangely for I thanke God and so may the rest that are here that wee can doe both All 's one for that saith hee yet let my selfe and many Captaines and other braue fellowes about the Towne naming a great many bee still thankfull that wee can doe neither They asked his reason He gave them this satisfaction because saith hee wee can walke the streetes with that secutie that you booke men cannot They desired him to expresse himselfe saith hee if one letter falling from the top of a great house had the power to knock out the braines of a scholler what safety should we liue in to be troubled with foure and twenty letters Now thanked be heauen saith he for as we haue nothing to doe with letters so I see no reason why letters can haue any thing to doe with vs. 168. Anola horse A Horse being iudged to be past his best dayes one seeing what he was likely to come to replyed that then hee was neere his dog dayes It being further demanded how old he was The answere was made that for this yeares he might very lawfully set his foote vnto a bond 169. Fire and Toe ONe seeing a fellow warming his feet by a hot seacole fire my friend saith hee what doe you meane to put fire and Toe together 170. Borrowing of a Cloake A Poore decayed Gentleman hauing pound or sold his Cloake came to another to whom hee was knowne and desired knowing he was well furnisht to supply him with one for two or three dayes whilst his owne came from dressing and then hee would vndoubtedly returne it the Gentleman answered him againe that hee had not any spare Cloake but such as belonged to one suite or another and to vnsuite his cloathes hee was loath yet vpon his importunity hee was content to lend him a thinne stuffe Cloake that belonged to a Summer suit and that vpon promise within two or three dayes to restore it but dayes weekes and months came in which time hee neuer heard of the Gentleman but some halfe a yeare after it was his chance to meete him in the midst of December in a cold misty morning with the same cloake vpon him worne to the very threeds and scarce able to hang vpon him which the other seeing stayeth him and challengeth him vpon his breach of promise and tells him withall that in regard of the priuate cheate hee will doe him a publike disgrace take his owne howsoeuer worth nothing wheresoeuer hee findes it and so offers to pluck it from off his shoulders The other desires him to forbeare and tells him hee may doe more then he can answer How saith hee haue I not to doe with mine owne what I please In this case answers hee you cannot Giue me your reason saith the creditor Then thus saith hee when I borrowed this cloake of you I was a Protestant but since am turned Roman Catholike and comming to my confessor amongst others I told him how vngratefully I had vsed you concerning this poore garment for which hee inioyned mee this penance Hast thou said he had the pleasure to weare this light Cloake all this warme Sommer thē I command thee as a punishmēt not to leaue it off for the space of this cold and frosty winter and so slipt away from him 171. One begd for a foole A Knight held to bee a very wiseman in his life left behind him a sonne and heire that was none of the best witted to inherit his Land who was begd for a foole and summoned into the court of Wards for his answer when question was made vnto him what hee could say for himselfe why his lands should not be taken from him hee said It is reported that my father was a wiseman and begott a foole to inherit his estate after his death who can tell him that I a foole may beget a wiseman to inherit after me his answer carried it and he and his remaine in possession of the same reuenues vnto this day 172. A Traueller drowned A Traueller reported to be drowned a friend of his being in cōpany when the letters came that brought the first newes of his death fetcht a great sigh with these words God rest his soule for he is gone the way of all flesh Nay saith another thē standing by if hee be drowned hee is rather gone he way of all fish 173. A Knight of Italy A Knight of Italy sitting downe to a feast and seeing two ancient neglected gentlemen standing by who had beene great souldiers whilest the youngmen disposed of themselues at the table hee instantly rose from the table and to the rest of the guests said Most iustly ought wee to afford these Gentlemen places whereon to sit for had they not beene in such a great battle against the Turke we had not at this time had any thing whereof to eate 174. A Gentleman boasting of his wit A Young Gentleman being at an ordinary was boasting exceedingly of his trauells adding withall that he spent three yeares abroade in forreigne Countries and liued without any Exhibition from his parents and friends or any supply from his Country But meerly by his owne naturall wit to whom another answered truly sir I thinke
perplexity is almost at his wits end but spying a Candle some Bowes shoot before him he makes towards it and within a little space finds himselfe within Debtford there he enquires for a Farrier or a Smith they direct him to his house But Vulcan had got a cup in his pate and was gone to bed he is earnest to haue him rise but the Smith will not by any meanes vnlesse hee will giue him a crowne in hand which is done Vp gets the Smith cals his man to carry a Candle and Lanthorne he tels him all his misfortune by the way and directs him to the place of his distaster intreating him to vse all the art he can in the recouery of his horse being but hyred By this time they come to the sad spectacle the smith lifts at his head his man at the taile but finding no motion giue him ouer as lost The Vintner looking sadly vpon the businesse fetcheth a great sigh and saith whilst I haue beene knocking vp the smith some body hath stolne away my bridle and saddle Back to the Towne goeth he with the Farrier and his man resoluing to sit vp that night and to comfort himselfe with a cup of good Ale to which the Smith brings him where I leaue them potting together and from thence looke backe to Greenwich The morning comes where my late drousie Vintners are fresh and stirring and gallopping through Debtford are spyde by their fift companion who cals after them they wonder to see him there and askt if he had done their commendations to their Wiues hee intreats them to leaue off their iesting and tels them all the former circumstances of his last nights misfortune some laught at him others lament with him according their seuerall humours and with this discourse he on foote and they on horsebacke haue left the Towne a mile behinde them when one of them casting his eye of the one side spyes a horse brideled and sadled browsing on the hedge and saith withall is not that the beast you rid on He dares not acknowledge him That is sure the same Saddle Bridle saith another or very like them but hee hath scarce faith to beleeue it At length all of them agree that both horse furniture are the same but he can hardly be wonne being sure to pay for one to hazzard the danger of stealing another But at length they preuaile with him vp hee mounts the Stirrops fit him and deliuering him at the stable from whence he hyred him is by the owner acknowledged for the same 183. Two striuing for the Wall TWo Gentlemen meeting the one iustled the other from the wall and had almost made him to measure his length in the Kennell who by much a doe hauing recouered himselfe came vp close to him and askt him whether he were in iest or in earnest He told him plainly that what hee did was in earnest And I am very glad you haue told me so for I protest I loue no such iesting saith the other By which words hee put off the quarrell 184. The answer of a Doctor A Worthy Doctor of Cambridge amongst many other charitable deedes done in his life time at his owne charge made a faire causey or high way some mile in length to the great benefit of the Countrey and being one day there in person to visit the labourers and to see how the worke went forward it hapned that a Nobleman riding that way by chance and knowing him gaue him a kinde salutation but withall thinking to breake a iest on him Master Doctor saith hee for all your great charge and paines yet I beleeue not saith hee that this is the high way to Heauen I am of your minde in that my Lord replyed the Doctor for if it were I should haue wondred to haue met your Lordship here 185. A Horsecourser ONe comming into Smithfield on a Friday market call'd to a Horsecourser aloud and said I prethee my friend how goe horses to day To whom hee answered marry as you see some amble some trot and some gallop 186. A Countrey fellow hunting with the King KIng Iames being a hunting and very earnest in his sport a Countrey fellow crost it in so much that the dogs were at a losse At which the King being extreamely angry drew his Skeine and rides after the man with all the speed he possibly can Who perceiuing the King to pursue him in his anger cryed out aloud I beseech your Maiesty to pardon me for I haue no desire to be knighted yet and this hee spoke so often that hee turned the Kings rage into laughter who bid him to ride fast enough and farre enough and bee hang'd for he better deserued a halter then to be knighted 187. Women Writers ONe asking a question why women either all or the most part when they learne to write practise Romane hand It was answered him againe that it stood with great reason for he had neuer heard of any woman that made good Secretary 188. A Country fellow at a Gentlemans Table A Country fellow being admitted to a Gentlemans table fell vpon the Artichokes at lower end and eating the burres was almost choakt saith one that sate nere him friend why are you busie with them so soone being a dish reserued for the last to whom hee answered as well as he could speake Marry I am of your minde for I thinke they are the last dish that ever I shall taste of 189. Of curtaling names A Gallant about this Towne that was admitted into the company of the prime and choicest Gentlemen vsed to curtall their names and onely to call them Robin Will Iack Dick and Tom and being asked why he was so familiar with men of that ranke and quality to giue them no better attributes and titles answered it is my humor and I vow withall that if the King should call mee Iacke I would call him Charles by the grace of God 190. A retort betwixt two Gentlemen A Gentleman whose name was Apollo being very low of stature but richly conceited comming into anothers Chamber whose name was Master Towers and finding him absent who because hee was a big man and looking vpright vsed an affected gate finding paper pen and inke there writ this hexameter Interris habitas sed non in turribus altis The other comming in and knowing the hand sent him the same line with another vnderwritten Die quibus in terris eris mihi magnus Apollo 190. A Knight and his man A Gentleman hauing a Seruingman who vsed still to ride with his head in his bosome for which he had often checkt him but neuer made him reforme it vpon a time riding to a Noblemans house not far of about some vrgent busines whilst the Master was busie with the Lord in his Chamber the Gentlemen had got the man into the Cellar where they had giuen him as much drinke as his skin would hold in the Interim his Master hauing dispath this businesse came suddenly and called his man to get his horse ready which he did in the way home the Master obseruing that contrary to his former custome he rid vpright with his chin almost leuell to his nose askt him the reason why now more then at other times hee rid bolt vpright Marry Sir saith he if you will needs know it is to keepe in my drinke 191. A Doctor of Physicke and a Serving man ONe thinking to put a trick vpon an excellent D. of Physicke had mingled with the water in his Vrinall the powder of a brick batt which settled to the bottom shewes like red grauell that comes from the kidneyes he shewes it to the Doctor and tells him that it was his Masters water who lay in grieuous paine desiring his Worships counsel what would giue him some ease the Dr. chafed it vp and downe and tried it by the fire In conclusion found out the fellowes knauery and cunningly closing with him my friend saith he wouldst thou haue my counsell to preuent this terrible disease which is growing on thy Mr yes sir saith he that was the cause of my comming to your Worship Then tell him replyed the Doctor all that I can prescribe him at this time is that he eate no more Artichokes and at that word broke the Vrinall vpon his pate and so left him 192. One that parted a Fray ONe parting a Fray was cut into the skull and comming to be drest as hee was searching the wound saith he here is a dangerous Orifice your pery-cranium is pierced so that one may plainly see your braines beat I doe not beleeue that saith the patient for had I had any braines at all I should neuer haue beene so mad as to haue come betwixt them to part the Fray 193. A bargaine in Smithfield A Pleasant fellow willing to put off a Lame Horse rid him from the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate to the Sunne in Holburne neere to Fullers Rents and the next day offering him to sell him in Smithfield the buyer asking him why he looked so leane Marry no marvell answered hee for but yesterday I rid him from Sunne to Sunne and neuer drew bridle 194. An Vsurer dying AN Vsurer being dead was opened and found without a Heart at which the standers by as well as the Surgeon wondered but none could giue a reason of the Prodegie at length saith one of the Executors it may bee his heart now hee is dead is where it was when he was liuing and looking in his Chest where his money lay they found it there 195. A Doctor and a Scholler A Doctor of the Vniversity being of more standing then learning being at Dinner in the Hall and hearing a fellow Commoner speake lowder thē the rest calls to a Iunior Scholler that waited and said goe to that Gentleman from me and tell him Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur which being delivered him commend me saith hee to M. Doctor and tell him that I say Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit which inversion lest it be iustly asperst on me here I set my period FINIS