taunted Sir Iohn saw a mad merry crew come leaping over the field as frolickly as if they ought not all the world two pence and drawing nearer he did perceive that either Bottle Ale or Beer had made a fray with them for the lifting of their feet shewed the lightness of their heads A Tantivee-Parson The foremost was a plain Country Sir Iohn or Vicar that proclaimed by the redness of his Nose he did oftner go into the Alehouse than the Pulpit and him Sir Iohn asked what they were and whether they were going What are you quoth the Priest that stand by the high way to examine me and my friends here 's none in my Company but are able to answer for themselves he seeing they were all set on a merry pin told the cause and said that he needed them to be of the Quest. Marry quoth Sir Iohn a good motion know these all are my Parishioners and we have been drinking with a poor man and spending our money with him a neighbour of ours that hath lost a Cow Now for our names and our Trades this is a Smith the second a Weaver the third a Miller the fourth a Cook the fifth a Carpenter the sixth a Glover the seventh a Pedlar the eight a Tinkar the ninth a Waterbearer the tenth a Husbandman the eleventh a Dyer and the twelfth a Saylor and I the Vicar or Parson which you please to call me How could you Sir have a fitter Jury than me and my Parishioners You are a little too brief quoth Sir Iohn for you are a Fellow that raiseth up new Schisms and Heresies and Divisions among your People and the world was never in quiet Devotion Neighbourhood and Hospitality never flourished in this Land since such upstart Boys and shittle-witted Fools becam of the Ministry you preach Faith and say that doing of Alms is Papistry but you have taught so long Fidâ—s solum juâ—â—ificâ—t that you have preached good Works quite out of your Parish a poor man shall assoon break his Nâ—ck as his Fast at a rich mans doâ—r Alas Sir Iohn you are mistaken for my friend though indeed I am none of the best Scholars yet I can reâ—d a Homily every Sunday and Holiday and keep company with my Neighbors and go to the Alehouse with them and if they be fallen out spend my Money to make them friends and on Sundays sometime if good Fellowship call me away I say both Morning and Evening Prayer at once and so let them have a whole Afternoon to play in This is my Life I spend my Living with my Parishioners I seek to do all good and I offer no man harm Well quoth Sir Iohn then I warrant thou art an honest Vicar and therefore stand by thou shalt be one of the Quest. No Cheat in the Smith's Profession And as for you Smith I see no great fault in you you earn your Living with the Sweat of your Brows and there can be no great Knavery in you only I would have you to mend your life for drinking since you are never at quiet unless the Pot be still at your Nose The Knavery of the Weaver But you Weaver the Proverb puts you down for a crafty Knave you can filch and steal almost as well as the Taylor your Woof and Warp is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poor Countrey Huswives for their Yarn and dawb on so much Dregs that you make it seem both well wrought and to bear weight when it is slenderly woven and you have stollen a quarter of it from the poor Wife Away be packing for you shall be cashier'd The Miller and Weavâ—r shake hands What Miller shake hands with your Brother the Weaver for Knavery you can take Toll twice and have false Hoppers to convey away the poor mans Meal Be gone I love not your dusty looks The Cheats of the Cooks And for Company Goodman Cook go with them for you cozen the poor men and Countrey Termers with your silthy meat you will buy of the worst and cheapest when it is bad enough for Dogs and yet so powder it and parboil it that you will sell it to some honest poor men and that unreasonably too If you leave any Meat over-night you make a shift to heat it again the next day Nay if on the Thursday at night there be any left you make Pies of it on Sunday Morning and almost with your slovenly Knavery poison the poor people To be short I brook you not and therefore be walking For the Carpenter Glover and Water-bearer the Husbandman Dier and Saylor since your Trades have but petty â—lights stand you with Mr. Vicar you are like to help to give in the Verdict Tinkers and Pedlars Knavery But for the Pedlar and the Tinker they are two notable Knaves both of a hair and both Cousin-germains to the Devil For the Tinker why he is a drowsie bawdy drunken Companion that walks up and down with a Trugg after him and in stopping one hole makes three and is in convenient place he meets with one alone perhaps rifles him or her of all that ever they have a base Knave without fear of God or love to any one but his Whore and to himself The Pedlar as bad or rather worse walketh the Countrey with his Doxy at the least if he have not too his Morts Dels and Autem Morts he passeth commonly through every pair of Stocks either for his Drunkenness or his Lechery And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a Bung like a guire Cove if you want pence and that you carry your Pack but for a colour to shadow your other Villanies Well howsoever you are both Knaves and so be jogging Well at last quoth the Judge I suppose Sir Iohn your Jury is almost full I believe you want not above three or four persons look you yonder where they come to make up the Number and they should be men of good Disposition for they seem to be all Countrimen of Vtopia Assoon as they came close Sir Iohn met them and told them the Matter and they were content to be of the Jury The one said he was a Grasier the other a Farmer the other a Shepherd to them both What think you of these three quoth Sir Iohn Marry saith the Judge two of them are honest men but the other is a base Knave but 't is no matter shuffle him in amongst the rest Nay by your leave quoth Mr. Attorney I will shuffle out these two for they are the very Cormorants of the Countrey and devour the poor people with their monstrous exaction The Cheats used by the Grasier And first I alledge against the Grasier that he forestalleth Pastures and Medow grounds for the feeding of his Cattel and wringeth Leases of them out of poor mens hands and in his buying of Cattel he committeth great Usury for it it prove a wet year then he maketh havock and selleth dear if it be a dry year then
he buyeth cheap and yet having Pasture keeps them till he may come to his own price he knoweth as well as the Butcher by the feed of a Bullock how much Tallow he will yield what his Quarters will amount untoâ— what the Tanner will give for the Hide Nay what the Sowse-wives were able to make of the Inwards so that he sells it so dear to the Butcher that he can scarce live of it and therefore what subtilty the Butcher useth cometh from the Grasier so that I exempt him from the Quest as a bad Member and an ill Friend to Justice The Cheats used by the Farmer And for you Mr. Farmer you know how through you covetous Landlords raise their Rents for if a poor man have but a Plough-Land if you see his Pastures bear good Grass and his arable ground good Corn and that he prospereth and goeth forward on it and provideth and maintaineth his Wife and Servants honestly then Invidus alterius rebus macrescit opimis Vicinumque pecus grandius uber habet Then straight Envy pricks the Farmer forward and he bids the Landlord far more than the poor man pays yearly for it so that if it be a Tenant at will he puts him out to beg in the Street or when his Lease comes out he overloads him in the Fine and thus blood-sucketh he the poor of his own private profit Besides the base Chuff if he sees a forward Year and that corn is like to be plenty then he murmureth against God and sweareth and protesteth he shall be undone respecting more the filling of his own Coâ—â—ers by a Dearth than the profit of his Countrey by a general Plenty Beside Sir may it please you when new Corn comes into the Market who brings it in to relieve the State Not your Mastership but the poor Husbandman that wants Pence For you keep it till the back end of the Year nay you have your Garners which have Corn of two or three Years old upon hopes still of a dear Year rather letting the Weasels eat it than the poor should have it at any reasonable price So that I conclude You are a Cormorant of the Commonwealth and a Wretch that lives of the spoil of the needie and so I leave you to jet with the Grazier Shepherds honest men As for the Shepherd unless it be that he killeth a Lamb now and then and saies the Fox stole him I know little Craft in his Budget therefore let him among the honest men of the Jurie Several Citizens come to hear the Trial of Sir John Fraud Well said Sir Iohn to the Judge here comes three or four Citizens will any of these serve turn I cannot tell quoth the Judge till I know their names and conditions With that Sir Iohn stept afore the company and enquired what they were the eldest of them being a grave Citizen said he was a Grocer the rest his good and honest Neighbours a Chandler a Haberdasher a Clothworker and two strangers one a Wallon the other a Dutchman How like you these quoth Sir Iohn to the Judge â—'le assure you my Lord these men are seen every Sunday in their Silks I marry quoth the Judge but they never get that Bravery with Honesty For the Cloth-worker his Faults were laid open before when we had the Draper in question and therefore let him be packing The Knavery of Chandlers For you Chandler I like not your Tricks you are too conversant with the Kitchen-stuff-wives you after your Wiek or Snaft is stiffened you dip it in â—ilthy Dross and after give him a Coat of good Tallow which makes the Candles drop and waste away to great hinderance of the poor Workmen that watch in the night Beside you pinch in your weights and have false measures and many other Knaveries that I omit but this be sure you shall not meddle in my Matter Neither the Haberdasher for he trims up old Felts and makes them very fair to the eye and faceth and edgeth them neatly and then he turneth them away for good ones and so abuseth us with his Cozenage Beside you buy gumm'd Taffata wherewith you line Hats that will straight asunder assoon as it comes to the heat of a mans Head To be brief I am not well skillâ—d in your Knaveries but indeed you are too subtil for a Jury-man and therefore you shall be none of the Jury The Grocer seems an honest man and I am content to admit of him only take this as a Caveat by the way all Gentlemen here present that you buy of the Garvellers of Spices the Refuse that they fift from the Merchant and that mix again and sell to your Customers Besides in your beaten Spices as in Pepper you put in Bay-berries and such Dross and so wrong the poor but these are â—light Causes and so overpass them and vouchsafe you to be of the Quest. But I pray you what be these two honest men The one quoth the Grocer a Dutchman and a Shoomaker the other a Frenchman and a Millener in St. Martins and sells Shirts Bands Bracelets Jewels and such pretty Toys for Gentlewomen Oh they be of Sir Iohn's Acquaintance Upstarts as well as he that have brought with them Pride and Abuses into England But these we 'l pass knowing they abuse most Occupations and they shall not be of the Quest Well quoth Sir Iohn now I suppose the Jury is full and we see no more coming let us call them and see how many we have The Iury being called over two are wanting Immediately enters an Honest Bookseller Assoon as Sir Iohn had spoke the Word there comes into the Court a Book-seller a reputed very honest man indeed and of a Gentile Profession assoon as ever the Judg perceived who he was he commanded he should be one of the Jury With all my heart said the Prisoner at the Bar for I know he is one that gives in his Verdict impartially he is one that will act honestly without fraud or deceit and he is one that hath a good Report in Vtopia and so he was admitted as a Jury-man What is it not possible quoth the Prisoner to have one more to make up the four and twenty as he was thus speaking he spied afar off a certain kind of an overworn Gentleman attired in Velvet and Sattin but it was somewhat drop'd and greasie and Boots on his Legs whose Soles waxed thin and seem'd to complain of their Master which treading Thrift under his feet had brought them to that Consumption he walked not as other men in the common beaten way but came compassing circumcirca as if we had been Devils and he would draw a Circle about us and at every third step he looked back as if he were afraid of a Bailiff or Sergeant After him followed two pert Apple-squires the one had a Murrey Cloth Gown on faced before with grey Coney and laid thick on the sleeves with Lace which quaintly bare up to shew his white Taffata Hose
old Hag with your four Imps c. shall return from the place whence you came and from thence he dragged upon an Hurlde to the chiefest Street in Utopia there to be buried alive in the mid-day that all may see your sin and folly and fly for ever the first thought that ever shall dare to enter into their minds of making Contracts with a deceitful Devil After the Tryal of Witches Mrs. Bad-wife otherwise called Mrs. Tittle-tattle or Prate-to-fast was order'd to be set to the Bar. Mrs. Bad-wife holding up her hand to the Bar. Her Indictment read by the Iudge himself Iudge Mrs. Bad-wife You are here Indicted by the name of Mrs. Badwife or Prate-to-fast in the Parish of Gossiping For that you by your daily Junketings Revelings Merry-makings and for your proud and vain-glorious twatling and boasting are a stain and blemish to Woman-kind and a scandal to the place where you live and a Plaque and Curse to your poor contented Husband What say you Mrs. Bad-wife are you guilty of such irregular actions yea or no. She denies the Crimes laid to her charge Mrs. Bad-wife My Lord and please you I am no ways guilty of what is here laid to my charge for I regulate my life and domestick affairs with unspeakable prudence discretion and modesty and never was suspected to be of a gossiping temper or junckeâ—ting humour and love my dear-contented husband as I love my own life When she had pleaded Not guilty the Kings Attorney stood up and made the following Speech Viz. My Lord and you Gentlemen of the Iury My opinion is that there is little heed to be given to the Assertions of any of the Female Sex and none at all to what Mrs. Bad-wife avoucheth in her own behalf Alas the Devil knew when he first adventured to sting the woman and tempt her as the weaker vessel what a rare Piece he had to deal with naturally apt to all mischiefs and folly he knew she was ready to affect all his Plots and purposes and that she would leap at any opportunity by which she might disturb the Fabrick of the whole Creation and bring the World into a woful desolation Nay do but observe the Devil's after-works since the Fall and you 'l see in all ages he hath made use of the Female Sex to atchieve and compass his chiefest Plots and Designs in former times who were the Engines in Kings Princes and Noble-mens Courts to beget and maintain Vice and Folly but the Daughters of Eve And besides if all things are not according to their will there is no peace iu Court or Country and how frequently do the lascivious sort of them undo men of all sorts and degrees whilst bewitched with their Syren-tongues they enchant them and their Estates Souls and Bodies unto utter desolation Then were the Witnesses called out which were Mrs. Good-huswifry Mrs. Nimâ—le Mrs. Timely-up Mrs. Chaste and Mrs. Ever-doing Iudge Well Mrs. Good-huswifry what can you say concerning the Prisoner Mrs. Good-houswifry giving in her Testimony against Mrs Bad-wife Mrs. Good-houswifry My Lord this wicked woman Mrs. Bad-wife keeps holy Exercises out of her house she never takes carâ— to have her Children instructed she approveth of niggardly house-keeping she breedeth much contention where she liveth and is hated by all the honest Neigbourhood My Lord she makes it her business to go from house to house to gossip and idle away her time And now 't is the property of a Good wife to set up a Sail according to the Keel of her husbands Estate I believe my Lord in a little time she will bring her husband good man with sorrow to the Grave But because other Witnesses stand here by me I will trouble your Lordship with no more Complaints at present Mrs. Nimbâ—e giving in her 〈◊〉 So Mrs. Nimble stood up and said My Lord This Prisoner Mrs. Bad-wife is a person not fit to live for we had in the Town where I liv'd a company of very good Neighbours whose Names were Mrs. Amity Mrs. Kindness Mrs. Gentleness Mrs. Love Mrs. Peace Mrs Charity Mrs. Ready-good-will Mrs. Good-turn with many other such persons c. but as soon as ever she came she routed them all by her ill example and in their room she brought in Mr. Naked Mr. Discord Mr. Niggardliness Mr. Strife Mr. Deceit Mr. High-mindedness and Mr. Make-bate Therefore my Lord my judgment is she ought to suffer Death or be banisht quite out of Vtopia Mrs. Timely-up giving in her Testimony As soon as Mrs. Nimble had done complaining up stands Mrs. Timely-up and said my Lord I have much to say against Mrs. Bad-wife and if your Lordship pleases I will begin to speak Judge Ay pray Mrs. Timely-up begin then Mrs. Timely-up My Lord this Mrs. Bad-wife hath forced all Hâ—spitallity out of door and in his stead at the back-door hath let in Pride of Apparel sumptuous Buildings affectation of vain Titles and Madam Ambition Judge Dâ—d you know her before her marriage Mrs. Timely-up Yes my Lord I knew her and her husband both before they were married Iudge What kind of man was her husband Mrs. T.V. He was a Leather-seller a very honest man and one of an incomparable good humour when he was a Batchelor I could not come to his house but it was presently Dear Friend for I was first cosin to him How do you Good morrow Good-even I am glad to see you well will you sit down and eat Be not so strange in my house but take it for your own for I am yours at command But now since he 's married poor contented man he dares hardly speak to his friends when they come to see him and a wink and a nod is an high favour from him my Lord she spoils all that come near her Besides my Lord she is of a most froward and pievish temper and her husband do what he can can never please her Sometimes her cloaths are not find enough her Diet sweet enough her house sumptuous and brave enough her husbands friends kind enough and sometimes again she loves not the City but must have her Country-house forsooth and an hundred things more she ayles every hour of the day But my Lord I confess I could not forbear laughing at a passage I saw t'other day between her husband and she Iudge What was it speak out that the whole Conrt may hear Her Husband strives to make her better but in vain Mrs. Timely-up My Lord It 't was this t'other day as I went by her house I accidently peep'd in at the window and there I saw her husband bespeaking of her after this manner Pray my love my dear my sweetiâ—g my chick my child my honey my life my Ioy with an hundred more such endearing expressions Be not angry be not displeased ask what ever thoâ— wilt thou shalt have it if that thou wilt but let me live at quiet But my Lord for all this kind carriage of her husband she call'd him
the Shoemaking Trade Now to you Mr. Shoemaker you can put in the inner sole of a thin Calves Skin when as the Shoe is a Neats-leather Shoe which you know is clean contrary both to Conseience and the Statute Beside you will join a Neats-Leather Vampey to a Calves Leather â—eel Is not here good stuff Mr. Shoemaker Well for your Knavery you shall have those curses which belong unto your Craft you shall be light-footed to travel far light witted upon every small occasion to give your Masters bag you shall be most of you unthrifts and almost all perfect Goodfellows Beside I remember a merry jest how Mercury brought you to a dangerous Disease for he requested a boon for you which fell out to your great disadvantage and to recreate us hear a little Gentle-craft what â—ell to your Trade by that winged God As it hapned on a time that Iupiter and Mercury travelling together upon Earth Mercury was wonderfully hungry and had no Money in his Purse to buy him any food and at last to his great comfort he spyed where a Company of Tailors were at Dinner with buttered Pease eating their pease with their Needles points one by one Mercury came to them and asked them his alms they proudly bade him sit down and do as he saw they did and with that delivered him a Needle The poor God being passing hungry could not content his maw with eating one by one but turned the eye of his Needle and eat two or three together Which the Tailors seeing they start up and said What Fellow a shovel and Spade to butter'd Pease hast thou no more manners Get out of our Company and so they sent him packing with many strokes Mercury coming back Iupeter demanded of him what news and he told him how churlishly he was used amongst the Tailors Well wandring on further Mercury espyed where a Company of Shoemakers were at Dinner with powdred Beef and Brewess going to them before he could ask them any Alms they said welcome good Fellow what is thy Stomack up wilt thou do as we do and taste of Beef Mercury thanked them and sate down and eat his Belly full and drunk double Beer and when he had done went home to his Master Assoon as he came Iupeter asked him what News and he said I have light amongst a crew of Shoomakers the best Fellows that I ever met withal they have frankly fed me without grudging and therefore grant me a Boon for them Ask what thou wilt Mercury quoth he and it shall be done Why then quoth he grant that for this good turn they have done me they may ever spend a groat afore they can earn twopence It shall be granted Mercury assoon as Iupeter had said the word bethought himself and said Nay but that they may earn a groat before they spend twopence for my Tongue slipt at the first Well Mercury quoth he it cannot be recalled the first wish must stand and hereof by Mercuries Boon it grew that all the Gentle-Craft are such good Fellows and Spend-thrifts But howsoever none of thesâ— three neither Shoomaker Tanner nor Currier shall be of the Jury A Parcel of Gentlemen appear next to Sir John As they went away with Fleas in their ears being thus taunted by the Court Sir Iohn saw coming to him a Troop of ancient Gentlemen with their Servingmen attending upon them The foremost was a great old man with a white Beard all in Russes and a fair black Cloak on his back and attending on him he had some five men their Cognizance as I remember was a Peacock without a Tail the other two that accompanied him seemed meaner than himself but Gentlemen of good worship whereupon Sir Iohn went towards them and saluted them and was so bold as to question what they were and of their Business And the ancientest answered he was a Knight and those two his Neighbours the one an Esquire the other a Gentleman and that they have no urgent Affairs but only to walk abroad to take the fresh Air. Then did he desire them all to be upon his Jury They smiling answered they were content but the Attorney General storming stept in and made challenge to them all and said thus you may guess the inward Mind by the outward Apparel and see how he is addicted by the homely Robes he is suited in Why this Knight is a mortal Enemy to Honesty and so to me he regardeth not Hospitality yet aimeth at Honour he relieves not the poor you may see though his Lands and Revenues be great and he able to maintain himself in great Bravery yet he is content with home-spun Cloath he holdeth the worth of his Gentry to be and consist in Velvet-Breeches but valueth true Fame by the report of the common sort who praise him for his House-keeping and great Spendings His Tenants and Farmers would if it might be be possible make him sink into Atoms with their Prayers and Praises he raiseth Rent racketh Lands taketh Incomes imposeth merciless Fines envies others buyeth Houses over his Neighbors heads and respecteth not his Countrey and the Commodity thereof as dear as his Life and therefore not fit to be in a Kingdom he regardeth not to have the needy fed not to have his Board garnished with full Platters he minds to be famous and great and rich in Furniture and Apparel Nay he loveth Pride and therefore I must proclaim him mine Enemy and therefore he shall be none of the Jury and such as himself I guess the Squire and the Gentleman and therefore I challenge them all Next appears to Sir Iohn a Troop of Citizens A Discovery of the Cheats used by Skinners Ioyners Sadlers Watermen Cutlers Bellows-menders Plaisterers and Printers As Mr. Attorney was thus talking there came a Troop of men in apparel seeming poor honest Citizens in all they were eight he demanded of them what they were and whither they were going One of them that seemed the wealthiest who was in a surr'd Jacket made answer that they were all friends going to the Burial of a Neighbour of theirs that yesternight died and if it would do Sir Iohn any pleasure to hear their Names they were not so dainty but they would â—ell them The first said he was a Skinner the second said he was a Joyner the third was a Sadler the fourth a Watermam the fifth was a Cutler the sixth was a Bellows-mender the seventh a Plaisterer and the eighth a Printer In good time quoth he it is commendable when Neighbors love so well together but if your speed be not overmuch I must request you to be of a Jury they seemed all content and so Sir Iohn turned to the Court and asked if they would make challenge to any of these I scorn quoth one of the Court to make any great Objection against them being they are Mechanical men and almost hold them indifferent With that up starts the Judge himself and said Sir they are not indifferentmen I