determination of a certain Factorage by way of Poundage or otherwise and that ye remit me such Summes as I see occasion from time to time to draw upon ye but we will leave the further discourse of this matter until to morrow after Change for I am willing now to speak a little to those two Young men that came up the Country with me So after Reciprocal Noddings he dropt them and whisper'd us That that place would not be convenient for us to discourse in therefore if we had not Dined it would not be amiss to go to the D Ordnary and there we might have the opportunity of enjoying our selves without being supervised We approved of the advice resolving if possible to â—ound Friend to the bottom having already gone so far to observe a strict Compliance with his Temper as we had hitherto done We had a Goose and a dish of Minc'd Pyes for Dinner which it may be Friend might have Demurr'd to in other Company but amongst us it was concluded all things should be in Common Friend told us that he had been prevailed with to tarry at Aunt 's all the following Night and that his two Friends had continued with him That these Frolicks were somewhat chargeable but that he seldom used them unless at times for his Health's sake but however the thing was not much to be valued by him being in a way of Trade that if he had Vanity enough he might very well keep his Coach and Dogs We acknowledg'd that he had laid an Obligation upon us which from another hand would have look't like an affront in taking upon himself the whole charge at the Country-house and that we thought it not proper to dispute it there but were resolved unless he would permit us to re-imburse him and to be upon equal terms for the future we would even offer that Violence to our selves as never more to come into his Company He would by no means admit aâ—y thing of a retribution but consented to an equality for the future and upon those Terms a Truce was made Then he enquired of the young Lady and hoped we had not so far betrayed that Confidence which he had reposed in us as to speak any thing to his disadvantage there for that he hoped he was not mistaken in our humors for that we had always appeared to him to be under the same circumstances of Flesh and Blood with others I diverted this discourse by drinking a Glass to the Aunts and Nieces Healths at the Country-house which very well confirmed Friend in his Opinion of us A great deal more Chat passed about our Diversion at yond place of which Friend express'd himself very Feelingly and being pressed confess'd he thought he might have been a little too vigorous but that in such cases he never tied himself up to abstinence but always applied himself to a dose of Infallible Pills which never failed him and offered each of us a Box against such time as we might have occasion We returned him our Thanks and assur'd him we would send for them when that presented After this having passed the Bumpers about and Friend returned our Compliment by taking so many Glasses to ours he franklâ—y told us That he was very glad we had met him that day for we had thereby put an opportunity into his hands of inviting us into the merriest and best Company that the Town afforded where were such variety of humours and all joined in such a Harmony as could not be match't again And therefore desired us to meet him not far from Salisbury-Court at an appointed place betwixt the hours of Eight and Nine Number 43. This fell out according to our wish and we needed not be asked twice for our Compliance in that case So that we had nothing to do but to promise not to fail at the Time and Place So we drank about to the Healths of the Excellent Company we were to meet that Night and having given our hands to be punctual we went home to put our selves in order for that purpose taking each of us a Glass of Water to suppress the fumes of the Wine from disturbing our Heads We acquainted the young Lady with the design who made us promise to Print Friend's History in a Book which is answered by this Vision in the Evening we repaired to the Assignation We made so much haste to the place appointed that we prevented the Company and finding no Number left at the Bar we retired to a Coffee-house for half an hour and then found Friend and a great many of his Company arrived by that time many more drop't in in a short time after It seemed to me to be the greatest Medley of people that I had ever seen for there were French Scots Irish Dutch and English and as many Sects as Amsterdam affords Some seemed to be Gentlemen some Souldiers some Merchants-men others Mechanicks some came to Expose themselves others to make their Advantages and Observations thereupon Yet all agreed to make it a Merry-meeting as they call'd it there were divers that by their Habits discover'd themselves to be of the Wet sort of Friends who had put on a brisk gayety of humour and appeared to be no more like the same sort of people they used to look like at Bull-and-Mouth than an Apple is like an Oyster There was amongst the rest a Sullen-complexion'd Blade of a Glover who it seems had been a Holder-forth at Conventicles and this Spark was a great Stickler against Church-discipline but I could not perceive that either Friend or any of the Yea-and-Nay People gave him any incouragement to promote his discourse but he was quickly taken off by a smart Gentleman in a red Coat who so all-to-be-baffled him that he was condemn'd to silence during the rest of the time In fine this seemed to make out the Harmony which Friend was speaking of that so many people of such â—ivers Figures and distant Habitations should agree to come together as it seems they often did at that place on purpose to Fuddle and blow up one another with repeated Bumpers Some were for talking of publick News others gave no Attention to it some for Twoodling on their Recorders others for a Snap of a Song but still the Glasses maintain'd a nimble motion until by general consent a Consort of Voices was agreed upon to be very seasonable which some of the Company performed very well amongst many others Singing that which follows with four Parts Would you know how we meet o'er our Jolly brisk Bowls As we mingle our Liquors we mingle our Souls The sweet meets the sharp and the kind-soft the strong And nothing but Friendship grows all the Night long We Drink Laugh and Celebrate ev'ry desire Love only remains the unquenchable Fire The Songs gave the whole Company great satisfaction after which some of the Company play'd two or three Consorts on their Haught-boys and Recorders This Diversion I could not but esteem very
Levity in the Author to make use of so much Smut when the same end may be attained and yet the Matter wrap'd in cleaner Linnen Pref. But again if you please to conâ—sider That a red Colour is not to be dyed in a green Fat nor a yellow Sign to be painted with blue Colours you will discern a sort of Necessity when you are to paint one that hath â—allen in the Channel to let the dirty Spots appear Besides if the prevalencies of Nature Genius and Education be considered it will easily appear That there are many extraordinary Things to Concurr in making a Man Master of a Stile A Copia verborum is what few can boast of It 's a rare thing to find even the Excellencies of Nature clothed in such a pollish'd Elegance of Phrase as in the Witty Scarron or the Profound Quevedo and this is a Misfortune which will be always Irreparable amongst People of my Size and Standard I could heartily have wish'd the Language had been more refined but then I am apt to believe it would not have relished half so well with those for whose Pallates it was designed nor have answered the Ends of the Bookseller in publishing it which I can very well assure you was not to abuse Friends but to get Money by the Bargain I have further to add That if some of the Passages seem to be too particular and reflective I have taken all imaginable care to keep the Stones from any one Man's Windows and none can be touch'd or agrieved by it unless it rub upon some old Sore which in some Cases proves the means of a Cure. Nor is there any one passage purely Fictitious but such as have been Collected out of the large Volume of Immoralities wherewith the Lives of some called Friends as well as others have abounded The Reader is further to be admonished That it is no parâ— of the design of the ensuing Papers to encourage those Debauches therein Exposed but to Convince the Men of the World That if Vice look ill and detestable in the Garb of a Friend it cannot assume any Quality to recommend It by being drest up in any other Habit whatsoever Farewell An Enthusiastick PREFACE By way of Greeting unto Friends Friends THIS is to give you to Wit and Understand That the Devil of Complement is come amongst some called Friends and hath drawn them into wretched Snares and Inconveniencies For by reason of the Tufting of the Men of the Worlds Buttons with Silk the price will so advance that Friends may not think it convenient to Line their Rayment with Venetian or Tabbee for the future And why may not Friends have as much right to the Toylings of the Creature as those that are without Shall the poor little Worm Spin out her Bowels only to make Sattin and Velvet Flowered Silks and Sarsnets for carnal Men and their Women And shall not Friends put in for a share of the outward Enjoyments I tell thee Yea as long as Friends have any thing of the outward or old Man lâ—ft they have a right to be accommodated with outward Things Yea marry have they And therefore in Subordination and consequential to what was said before Friends will not be button'd out of the Linings of their upper Garments For if the Devil of Complement be entered into certain People by the World called Friends it may be very likely he may grow unruly and disorderly unless he meet with as much Respect and Entertainment amongst Friends as amongst the Wicked Why may not Complement find as good Lodging under a Holland Shirt or a Silk Wastcoat on the back of a Friend as well as another Man especially since Friends outward Man is made of Flesh and Blood as well as 〈◊〉 Well then it is allowable that Friends 〈◊〉 not only common Silks but the richest they can get as one step to the entertaining of Complement and who knows but by Conversation he may be brought over to Friends or Friends to him Then if Complement be thirsty it may be convenient for Friends to make him drink not Water which they call Adam's Ale but Wine generous Wine edifying Wine Friends Wine that which shall make him drop his Hat off from his Pool by way of Complaisance And again Complement may be as well fed at the Table of a Friend or if he thinks meet at a Tavern or French Ordinary with Ragousts Oglio's and Soops as at any other Mans Table whatsoever We can allow him his Brace of Gueldings or a Coach to rumble him to his Country-house where he may Epicurize in that which the World calls Luxury from one First Day to another And what should make this Devil of Complement to lead Friends astray into Snares and Inconveniences What should make him so Sullen and Ill-natur'd after all this Entertainment and Caressing Some are of Opinion It 's only because Friends will not allow him to wear Point de Venice a laced Hat and Feather and have two or three Footmen at his breech with gawdy lac'd Liveries Why and if this be the matter that is stuck at Friends are resolved never to Condescend to it Nay they will rather be contented to be condemn'd to swallow Heathen Plum-broth and Minc'd Pye at the time called Christmas to pull off their Hats in the Steeple-house to wear Swords lac'd Bands and Pantaloons hung round with Ribbons than ever comply with the Devil of Complement upon such Terms By the following Discourse it will appear That Friends have been no Strangers to the thing call'd Complement as it relates to Courtesie Entertainment or Conversation between Man and Man or as I may say between Man and Woman And if it must be insisted upon after all this that because some called Friends have arrived to such great Attainments by means of somewhat that looks as it were Complement I say that therefore the Devil of Complement must be thus Equip'd at the Charge of Friends we think it so unreasonable as to enter our Protest against it But if by reason of this Contest betwixt us and the Devil aforesaid any of them by the World called Friends have had their Light so far Extinguished as to be led into Snares and Difficulties must presently a Printer take up the matter and publish the Banes of Maâ—rimony between us to the World Commend me to our Brethren the Turks who being of the same Enthusiastick Order in some respect will not permit the Carnal Art of Printing in their Dominions so that the Inquisitive World cannot be so easily informed of Amities contracted upon the accoun of what they call Complement nor understand what progress the Freshmen of our Tribe have made in the Acquisition of modish and complemental Attainments But hang it it relates not at all to any of Us but only to those who either had not the Light or suffered it to be Extinguished and then they are none of Us. So Fare ye well THE Yea-and-Nay ACADEMY OF COMPLEMENTS CHAP. I. Of the
City Friend came to our Lodgings which we had taken in Fleet-streetâ— and passed upon us the Complement of thâ— first Visit enquiring of us but especialâ—â— of the Lady how we found our selves after our Journey and expressing great Congratulation for our Health and safe Arrived he permitted us to prevail with him to accept of a Dinner with us and gave us a solemn Invitation to requite that kindness by Dining with him the next day After Dinner he complyed to go to the Tavern with us where we warmed him with some Bottles of Wine which with much freedom he accepted of recounting to us divers pleasant passages relating to himself at length taking a full Glass of Wine in his hand says he to the Gentleman who was related to the Lady Friend Robert It would be great peace to my Mind if I might be related unto thee according to the Flesh that is to say if I might Marry thy Kinswoman I do assure thee that difference as to our Opinions should never occasion a difference in Affection and therefore if thee pleasest thee may'st acquaint her that I have drank a Glass of Wine minding her Welfare At that word setting the Bumper to his Nose he gave it so hearty a Toss that he made every drop of the Wine invisible and cast back his Head so far to clear it that his Hat dropt off before the Glass was taken from his Lips. Whoever hath heard the Story of Let him Live need be at no loss to comprehend the Mystery of the Hat falling off It being a way of Complement peculiar to Friends when they mind the Welfare or as the World hath it drink the Health of Men in Authority We merrily asked of Friend whether that dropping off of his Hat was not designedly permitted by him to let us see that he did not much insist upon the Ceremony of the Hat if it were agreeable to the Company Friend ingeniously acknowledged that it was done designedly on purpose to testifie his respect to Friend Robert's Kinswoman and that he could willingly not only put off his Hat but perform any other Ceremonies to witness his kindness to her This extraordinary way of shewing his respect to the Lady obliged us to make our Acknowledgments of his kindness in the most sweetening terms that could be he told us that before we left the Town he doubted not but to convince us That there were some amongst the People of his Profession that had as great an Esteem for that which is called Civility as any sort of People whatsoever We acknowledged he had given us all the reason in the world to believe it and that whoever had the happiness to be acquainted with him could not miss of an undeniable demonstration of it We pledged the Health he had begun to the young Lady and were about to begin his but he would by no means suffer it at that time but alledged the satisfaction he received by our Excellent Company as he was pleased to term it contributed more to his Health than all the Complements that could be made use of We returned That we thought he could not well condemn or speak contemptfully of that whereof he was so great a Master And having given him our repeated assurance of taking a Dinner with him the next day we Coach'd it home to our several Lodgings giving the Lady an account with what Obliging Ceremony her Yea-and-Nay Servant had drank her Health and how full of sweetness and respect every thing was that he spake concerning her We likewise told her that she was in all probability to expect some brisk Attacque the next day for that we foresaw Friend would not fail to Charge her with all the Artillery of a great Entertainment departing so far in his way of Converse from that sullen stubborn humour that shews it self amongst Men of his Profession that in softness and complaisance of temper he seemed to exceed the most refined Courtier and Gallant of the Town We again resolved not to omit any thing that might further our discoveries of the Man's Morals and doubted not but every day would contribute more to our purpose and we doubted not but the next day we might go a considerable length in our design We determined to play all one Game that is of giving our selves up to his disposal for that day the better to observe whereto his Inclinations would prompt him only the young Lady had a design to banter him with a trick which she would by no means discover to us till she came to put it in execution But that I may be the more exact in my Relation I think it proper in this place to let you know in what Figure Friend presented himself to his Mistress or She-Friend the first day that is to say as it appeared unto us You must then understand That Friend came in a Coach to the door and having made enquiry and understood that we were within he entered the House my Friend and self conducting of him into a Parlour He had on a sort of very fine Serge of an indifferent sad Colour lined through with a rich Venetian Tabbee as near the colour as possible his Cravat was made up of the true stamp with a little puff before his Shirt shewed very little at the Hands but enough to discover it to be very good Holland he had on his Head a modest well-made light â—laxen Peruke and upon that a white Beaver as â—ine as the Skill of the Artist could make it he had on a Cloak of extraordinary rich Chamlet very well lined Gloves of Bucks-skin well scented and the rest answerable his Person was somewhat above the middle stature streight and a little plump his Complexion was fresh and his Countenance smiling with an Aspect that spake Venus to have been his Ascendant This was the form that Friends outward Man shewed it self in unto us the First day which argued him to be a lover of his walking Tabernacle at his going away from the House he was very liberal to the young Ladies Maid and forgot not the Cook. It remains now that I give you an Account of our Visionary Entertainment at Friend's Lodging which no doubt by this time you are agog to hear why then it was after this manner His Lodgings were at a considerable Tradesman's house in N street who though he was of the same Profession with Friend yet had a very great Opinion of Friend's perswasion and disliked not so much of Friend's Disposition and Conversation as Friend thought fit to discover to him At this place Friend received us with demonstration of a very great respect and had obtained the Gentleman's Lady of the House and a Friend's Wife about Fanchurch street who was a pretty Woman to bear our She Friend Company We were Conducted into a Parlour very well Wainscotted and a good Marble Chimney-piece after some little time the Women came in and Complemented the strange Lady with great Civility You could
Mingling their gear without pollution By Ancient true Institution Which Friends conceive by Light within May be a means to prevent Sin Marr'age is Salt some have been thinking Which keeps Friend's Outward Man from stinking In the Eighth place If thee hast Issue of thy Labours that is to say either Son or Daughter see that thou permit them not to be dipped or sprinkled after the Carnal Fashion but call it after what Name best liketh thee for Friends have Ordained themselves Priests in their own Houses and know That Children propagated after the manner of the Light can never be in a State of Darkness When they grow up be sure thou keep 'um from running to Steeple-houses lest the noise of the Bells should make them deaf And if their Ears be stopp'd with Noise How shall they hear the Teacher's voice When he at Bull-and-Mouth doth Roar Of things ne'er understood before Nay so profound Friends if you mind it The Light within can never find it Ninth Lye I advise thee in all thy dealings see that thou preferr a wicked one that hath Money before a Friend that hath none for it is Money Friends that is the life of business Therefore get Money honestly if possible however get Money For verily when once the Money is out of Friends baggs thou canst then discern very little Light within him but it is the Friend that hath most Money shines the brightest These Directions I thought fit To leave behind to teach Friends Wit He that doth mind the last set down â—S belâ—v'd by all the Friends in Town CHAP. XIII Certain other Epistles and Greetings giving a further discovery of the Knack Yea-and-Nay-People are arrived to as to the thing called Complement A Letter from a Friend to another Friend in Prison Friend Marmaduke SInce the Evil ones have confined thy outward Tabernacle in the house of Captivity I have had great Sorrowings for thee not so much upon account of thy Sufferings which are like the scouring of a Lanthorn Yea I say Sufferings scoure and rub off the grease and foulness that sticks to the Horns so that the Light shineth through much the clearer and may be seen from one end of the Street to the other Carnal ones have great resemblance one with the other in their Actions For even as the great round Lanthorn which hung at Friend B's Tavern-door was caned batter'd and broken to pieces by one of them called Bullies and all because the Light therein was a little obscured by reason of the darkening caused by a foulness contracted as I said on the case or outside so that Bully chanced to step into the Canal Even so they deal with us of the Yea-and-Nay-People If they discern not the Light of which sometimes our selves cannot see so much as a glimmering why then I say they lay violence upon the outward case and fall foul upon that wherein the Light is enclosed And this is what was upon my mind to say unto thee as touching that matter But that which hath caused in me the greatest bewailings is for the loss Friends sustain as to the carrying on of the work at the Meetings Since thee hast been laid in Bonds scarcely any one hath been moved to speak or hold-forth for the Edification of Friends but all our comings together have been as it were silent Meetings only Friend Elimas gave some Exhortations and Establishments touching securing the Interest of Friend's outward Estate which hath been of great use I have likewise further grief of Mind concerning thy Wife Elizabeth who I understand is fallen with Child since the time of thy Captivity and it is verily thought by some that it is by one of the wicked ones which occasions great grief of heart amongst Friends for they reason thus amongst themselves If she had been true and faithful to the Light she would never have had to do with one of them that are in a State of Darkness And as an Adding of weight unto thy bonds I shall forbear what was upon my thoughts to say with relation thereunto only this may not be amiss to advise thee of That it may be needful for some Friends of the more reputable sort to give out that it was begot in the house of Bondage and that Elizabeth be advertised That upon condition she join in testifying the same matter thee wilt be willing to pass by the failing with silence especially provided she keep out of the snare for the future This I say I thought meet to set before thee and thee may'st use thy mind concerning it or else if thee thinkest fit a Bill of Divorce may be given her so that it may appear That Friends are not free to incourage their Wives in such Abominations If thee hast any business with relation to thy outward affairs wherein I may shew kindness unto thee It 's like I may be Free to act in it if thee givest me notice So with Friendly Greetings and Salutations unto thy Self and those in bonds with thee I remain Thine according to the Inward Glimmerings Aminadab The 49th Day of the 16th Month in the Year called Plato's An Epistle from a Yea-and-Nay Youth who was a Prentice with a Comb-maker written to his Father in the Country HENRY I Write this Epistle unto thee that thee may'st understand of the Health of my Natural body as I did of thine and thy Wives in one from thee bearing date the 11th Day of the last Month. I would have thee to understand that Friend Humphrey with whom thee hast placed me to serve an Appreticeship of seven Years is one of those the World calleth Wet Quakers and came home about three nights since after the second Watch not only wet within with the bloody-colour'd Juice of the Creature which is brought over to us from a Country called France which they say hath a down-right Enmity against the People of our Perswasion and it may be the Liquor which cometh from thence may partake of the Nature of the Inhabitants for as I was saying to thee he wâ—â— likewise wet without his rayment being very much polluted with the defilement of the Canal by which it is evident that the French Creature had been shewing its Enmity and after a most malicious manner cast him head-long into the Canal and that at such a time of night that if the City-watch had not taken him out from thence it is very likely he might have perished in the Water as it 's said some Creatures of the same nature did heretofore His Light was so far extinguished therewithall that I could not discern the least appearance thereof The Watch that I told thee of brought him into the house and laid him upon my bed in the shop for the Woman called his Wife would not suffer the Men to bring him into the Room where she was but said unto them after this manner Carry the Swine and lay him where it is fitting for him to be So that I was forced to
get into bed when the weight of his burthen on the top of the Cloths was very troublesome to me besides the snoring and grunting noise which kept me waking the rest of the Night Just in the Morning as I began to move to get out of bed a flood of reddish Liquor gushed out of his Mouth which stained not only the Sheets but my Shirt also and washed me all over which I was forced to wear wet about me the greatest part of the following day Now I am doubtful that Humphrey may frequently be brought home in like condition which would be very troublesome to me these cold Winter-nights for he hath frequent contendings with that unlucky French Creature and notwithstanding he is often cast down by â—t Yet will not the courage of his Old man suffer him to keep out of the way or give over the Contest There is likewise another thing which very much sticks with me and that is this Our Neighbour's Prentices and sometimes Stranâ—â—rs as they go along the Streets are apt to cast abuses at me and reflections with respect to our Trade What says one thee art cutting up thy Father's head to make a Comb of or thee art cutting up thy Master's horns the Citizens Wives will have somewhat to say to thee for Sawing up their Husbands Brow-Antlers and the like It were endless to reckon up the Scoffs I endure upon that account So that it hath been much upon my Spirit to know thy Opinion concerning this thing and whether thee may'st not think it convenient to provide some other Habitation and Calling for me where I may be free from such continual Flouts But if thee takest no care as to this matter it is like I may be free to get off into some one of our Friend's Plantations where it may be I may meet with none of these troubles Thus signifying my Love to thee and thy Wife and minding Friendly Salutations to thy Family having great desire to hear from thee I remain Thine according to the Flesh Henry the Younger The 5th Day of the Month called Maggot in the Year of Horn-Fair Some Metre upon Occasion of the Wet Quaker FRiends he 's not Drunk they who say so are Sots Doth not his Laundress scowre and wash the Spots Of his foul Vestments Tell me why he may Not wash himself that 's far more foul than they For to be Drunk with Friends were great forgetting â—ut it is like Friend may have â—ain a-wetting The Carnal Swine in Mire are always Wallowing But Friends like Sheep drop in the Ditch by following And they through Bry'rs will follow one another So one Friend falls i' th' Pit by following t'other A Letter from a Friend to the Keeper of a Prison-House Friend FOR though I may not call thee by that name properly and as thou art an Alien to the Light yet I have thought meet to give thee that Title as I have no enmity to thy Person Thou knowest thou hast in thy Keeping the outward Man of divers Friends who are put into the Custody of thy Cage of Captivity but withal it were not amiss for thee to consider that though Friends are put into a Cage yet they are no Birds for they have no Wings neither do they whistle nor sing as the feathered sowl do but they are placed with thee for divers Considerations moving the Men of Authority so to do and thee wilt find it much to thy advantage to use Moderation towards them during the time of their Captivity for verily that will sound much to thy Commendation Dost thou not see with what tenderness the Creatures that are kept in Cages about the Town are used they have their Prisons cleansed every day and are supplied with fresh water and food for the support of their Tabernacles sometimes they have green boughs and leaves put about them for their refreshment which makes them rejoice in the kindness of their Keepers Yea verily they do greatly rejoice and testifie their thankfulness by their merry chirping and hopping from one pearch to another Now as I was a saying though Friends cannot chirp and sing thy Commendation yet they have ways of expressing their gratitude in such a manner as I am apt to think may be more acceptable to thee For if there come into thy House a Hamper of Wine a piece of Venison or a piece of Plate verily I may say these are very acceptable things and yet such as Friends can part withal upon good terms But if thee beest sowre and rugged to them thou wilt find it far otherwise those acceptable returns will be strangers to thy house and it will be a hard matter for thee to get thy Fees for their restraint they will rather die in bonds than that thou shalt be one farthing gainer by them I have set this matter before thee that herein thou might'st consult thy own benefit for it hath come unto my Ears that thee hast been very hard and cruel to Friends in thy keeping and that thou hast not only denied them the refreshment of She-friends company but hast laid violent hands upon some of them and hast sore bruised their outward Vessels to their no small discomfort I do therefore appeal to thee whether such usage would be welcom to thee wert thou in their state and condition or whether thee would'st not take it unkindly to have thy outward Tabernacle batter'd and mortify'd after such unkind yea barbarous manner Therefore let me advise thee if thou wilt not allow them the kindness which birds receive that thou wilt at least afford them that which is not denied to beasts that is That they may have Meat Drink and fresh Straw So resteth Thine in the Shinings within T. L. The first Day of Noddy-Month Another Epistle by way of Enthusiasm written to Penelope the Daughter of Geffery Friend Penelope IT being now about the time which the World calls Midsummer-moon which time will always be famous amongst Friends upon the account of the extraordinary Enthusiasms great Revelations and strange Appearances which have penetrated the Crancums of their Microcosms about that season And it being about the time that the Men called Doctors Exercise more than Common Severity towards our brethren which are under their discipline in the Long-house on the South-side of Moorfields where they Scarrisie Cupp Plaster and Syringe the Brain-pans of Friends till they hardly know whereabouts the Seat of their Sensitive faculty is or what is become of that humour which used to reflect the Idea's of the Imagination upon the 〈◊〉 and discover unto Friends Castles in the Air Monsters in the Sky and Constellations on the Earth I say this is the time when our poor Friends who are in the Custody and under the Cure of those Cruel wretches are masserated and mangled that they have not the benefit of seeing and discovering those things which we who are yet out of their wicked hands have freedom to do And therefore O Penelope I will declare
playing And another also A Gentleman that had some acquaintance amongst the people called Friends happened one day to invite a Friend who was a Country-man and his Wife to dine with him and after Dinner told them he would now give them a sight of the Rarities that they might be able to give an account to their Friends when they came home of what they had seen they discovered no dissatisfaction at what he said but soon accepted the courteous offer and accordingly the Gentleman took them to see the Tombâ— in Westminster-Abby which had very near raised the Old man in them for Friend was ever and anon in great fumigation against the Iaols as he called them and had much ado to forbear declaring against them in the very place for it cost him many a groan to suppress his resentments sometimes hauking then spitting and blasting up the Eggs of his Eyes to the Cieling as if he doubted it were falling upon them the Gentleman could not forbear smiling within himself to observe how uneasie Friend was and the many touches he gave his Cloak and the wretched faces that were made and all to be gone out of the habitation of those vain Creatures with their Pagan garbs and gildings The Gentleman after took them to the Tavern where it was very pleasant to observe what pains Friend took to wipe the sweat off from his Face occasioned by the warmth of his Zeal he could hardly admit of a Glass of Wine until he had born his Testimony â—gainst them for almost half an hour The Gentleman seeing this work so kindly determined to put one trick more upon Friend and to give him further occasion to enlarge upon the Point and accordingly took Friend and his Wife to a Play-house when Friend was come at the door seeing many Coaches and a great croud of Footmen Prithee said he to the Gentleman whose House is this The Gentleman whisper'd him A foreign Ambassadors which made Friend desirous to go farther so the Gentleman privately clapt the Ticket-money into the Box-keeper's hand and led them into the Eighteen-peny Gallery It happened to be O Edippus that was Acted and the House was very full Friend spent a considerable time in staring at the People and the Scenes but especially the Actors who were dressed after a most Idolatrous manner and Friend had just entertained the form of an Idol-Chapel in his Imagination when he asked the Gentleman what place that was To which he replied whispering the Chapel But then no sooner was that word out but Friend fell into a most violent Agitation pulling the brims of his broad-brimn'd Hat rubbing his Ears and his Forehead with his Pocket-napkin 'till they began to glow again drawing his Wife back by the Slâ—eve â—ho leaned a little forward to encrease her wonderment Sometimes he would be tweaking the Gentleman by the Coat to have him gone saying 'Prithee let us get out of this filthy place to which the Gentleman replied whispering They have not done yet Friend stood gaping and trembling as if he had been in a Trance At last his Wife espied the blazing Stars in the Scene and immediately shriek'd out laying both her Arms about her Husband's Neck and hanging her weight upon him Alas quoth she look up Robert look up the Day of Judgment is come and we shall be slain here amongst the wicked The People round thought the Woman had been in a Fit and 't is supposed that either She or Friend Robert dropt some Aromatick for the Company were fain to stop their Noses or smell to the Snush-box Then they made way and Friend and his Wife had an opportunity of conveying themselves out of the frightful place The Gentleman went with them to the door and having put them into a Coach he left them to ruminate upon the Astonishing sights they had seen and returned and sate out the rest of the Play. CHAP. XIV Treating of Friends familiarity with the Creature TO what purpose is all the thing called Breeding or Education in the World bestowed upon Man or Woman if by a sullen or stately reservedness the rest of Mankind are deprived of the benefit thereof I say what availeth it if a Merchant or a Gentleman as they are called shall give his Son the Education of the Vniversity or his Daughter that of the best Boarding-Schools about Town if after all that charge and it may be an excellent Improvement under it these extraordinary qualified persons shall confine themselves to their Clossets or by some other means tie themselves up from the Conversation of others Who can admire or be in love with those Endowments which they never have an opportunity to know Therefore it is an open and familiar way of Access and Communication that gives persons the advantages of knowing and being known to one another and a condescending and mixing with Company that discovers as wâ—â— the Endowments as the Nature and Temper of People And though the rest of the World have unjustly stained Friends for being of a morose sullen and reserved way and temper yet those that have had opportunities of Converse with them and of looking through the disguise of the Yea-and-Nay Profession have found Friends have not been shy of laying themselves open even in ways of uncommon and extraordinary Familiarities Or else how should the Butcher ever have thought to have found Friend W. in bed with his Wife at a time when the Butcher was at a Market two miles from his House It is not much amiss to relate the passage though the Neighbours are well enough acquainted with it Friend William very well knowing and understanding the times and seasons when the Butcher's business obliged him to be from home had frequently had Inclinations to be a little inward as one may say with the Woman called his Wife and accordingly was not wanting to make divers visits and applications upon that occasionâ— In some of which he happened to lay himself so open that the Butcher had sufficient Intimation that there was some familiarity as they call it between Friend and his Wife and that this Correspondence was managed chiefly at the times when he was at Market Whereupon the Butcher took occasion to drop home from Market one day sooner by some hours than was usual and behold Friend was just coming off the bed from taking a little repose even at the time as the Butcher came into the Yard and thereupon Friend said hastily unto Rebecca who was the Butcher's â—ife Arise thee quickly for behold thy Husband is in the Yard and come and let us sit down and commune together in a way of familiarity that when he cometh in he may not find wherewithal to blame us so Rebecca came and sate her down upon a Stool in the midst of the Room and Friend William sate upon a Bench at some distance their discourse was about matters relating to the Yea and-Nay Perswasion upon which point Friend was Holding-forth with great heat of Argumentation The Butcher tarried some time in the passage and heard the discourse was altogether about matters relating to the Light within at length coming into the Room and finding them at such a modest distance he hardly knew how to put himself into a Passion but saluted Friend in courteous manner saying William how dost do To which Friend replied simperingly How is it with thee After some time the Butcher enquired what occasion had brought him that way at that time To which Friend answered I have at some times had Conversation with thy Wife and finding her to be Inclined to the Light I reckon it not amiss to have discourse with her in a way of familiar Communication But if thee findest fault with this matter behold thy Wife is before thee and let her speak unto thee But the Butcher finding he had mâ—ssed the main business he came home about dissembled the matter and Friend 〈◊〉 me to no damage by reason of his familiarity But it happened that some time after upon another Market-day the Butcher took an occasion to go to Friend's house about the time that William and Rebecca used to be familiar and finding William's Wife within enquired concerning her Husband William She could give him no account of the matter but that he seldom was at home on that day but constantly walked forth as he said to Hold-forth at a silent Meeting The Butcher being a little nettled at this constant sort of Holding-forth gave the Woman 〈◊〉 understand that there was great familiarity between her Husband William and his Wife Rebecca and said he had found them together and was come to acquaint her with it and to offer if she thought fit to requite their Correspondence in a way of familiarity with her The Woman made no scruple of complying so that a familiarity was contracted betwixt her and the Butcher and the Butcher so well approved of his new acquaintance that he sent for Twelve-peny-worth of Cyder to rejoice in the Correspondence he had obtained But behold as they were enjoying themselves and the Creature Friend William cometh into the Room being returned from Holding-forth and said unto his Wife O Woman what doest thou And she answered and said unto him I am entring into a way of familiarity with our Neighbour the Butcher even as thou 〈◊〉 entred into a familiarity with his Wife Rebecca Whereupon William sate him down and groaning 〈◊〉 in his mind said thus I have pulled this Evil 〈◊〉 my self and it is just with our Neighbour the 〈◊〉 to requite my visitings of his Wife by haâ—â— Conversation with mine And the Wiâ—e of Wilâ—â—â— Conceived and brought forth a Son and called 〈◊〉 Name Killâ—Calf in memory of the Butcher â—hen pray mark this and do not slight it Friendship with Friendship is requited Though Friend William lost his Holdings forth The Butcher had his Peny's-worth FINIS * A notable heathen Word * Another word of the Beasts Language * Wicked Words * Wicked Words * A kind of heathen Word
THE QUAKERS Art of Courtship OR THE Yea-and-Nay Academy OF COMPLEMENTS Calculated for the Meridian of the BVLL-and-MOVTH AND May indifferently serve the Brethren of the Wind-mill Order for Noddification in any Part of Will-a-Wisp Land. By the Author of Teagueland Jests Qui Curii simulant Bacchanaliâ vivunt Juv. LONDON Printed and are to be Sold by most Booksellers MDCLXXXIX In Publick see the Zealot seems a Saint Green Apron'd Sisters whine Brothers pan◠But when retired the Case is out of 〈◊〉 I see Courts in Cant and Bully like new THE PREFACE TO THE Unprejudic'd READER By Way of DIALOGUE Between Gent. and Prefacer IT is Obvious to every days Observavation that to the well furnishing a House pieces of Paint wherein the Pencil hath naturally described Anticks and Mimmicks are as much valued by the Curious as some Originals of renowned Faces The true proportion of the Figure and lively deciphering as much as possible the very Air of every Motion making Art do the Business of Nature whilst the Eye is entertained with the divertive Figure of a Scarramouch or Pantalloon behind the door of a Parlour here in London as if they beheld him Acting in an Opera at Paris Books therefore that like Pieces of Paint represent unto us Things and Persons otherwise out of our Kenn and too remote for our Observation may claim the Privilege of using natural Colours and designing Postures proper to the Figure they set before us Or else how can the Description Answer the end for which it was designed and give a true prospect of the proposed Object So the Artists in describing Apollo paint him with large Rays round his Head and sometimes Circling the whole Body Diana is known by the Crescent on her Forehead a Fountain Dogs and Bow and Arrows But if he that exposed the Story of Guzman had clapped him on a Lawyers Gown or Don Quixot had been dress'd up in a Cloak or Cassock it would so vastly have altered the Figure that the Entertainment had been lost and the Buffoon could not so well have been discerned through the Formality of the Garb Tho' it's impossible but a strict Judicious Eye might observe a Step a Glance or Motion that might betray the Mechanism of the Puppet and discover the Ass in the Lions Skin Yet all the while a thousand others who had seen no further than the Vizor might have been imposed upon by the Imposture and take the Cobler for the Vicar Enter Gent. Gent. But you will say perhaps if you were for exposing either the Fool or the Knave why could you not too have gone into some Foreign Country for the Habits and have made them speak French Dutch or Spanish Did ever any Man as yet hang up the Pictures of his Family and Kindred in Fools Coats or dress his Friends in the Equipage of Anticks Were there none for thee to let loose thy wild Satyr upon but a harmless meek inoffensive sort of People that would not Injure so much as a Fly that came in their way Hadst thou none but such as these to worry and abuse at this barbarous rate I can assure you that divers sober well-meaning People can by no means think well of it at this time Prefacer Why look ye Gentlemen give me but the allowance of a few words and I will convince you That it was not any Pique or Animosity against Friends in general that first gave Occasion to the writing hereof and that the matter herein contained ought not in any wise to Affect a sober Man of what Profession soever for it is not the Christian but the Pagan that is exposed Suppose I have a Friend whom I much esteem and value and the Devil get on a Suit of his Apparel may I not beat thrash and cudgel the Fiend to force him thence Nay I take my self to be the more obliged to Bastinado him for attempting the Garb of a Friend So that you are not to imagine that it is the demure close or honest Yea-and-Nay-man that is here exposed but the Devil or some Fiend as bad that hath put on the Habit Figure and Mein of a Sanctimonian If you should see a Bear run through the Street with your Brother's Coat on would you not Baste and Cudgel the Beast notwithstanding the Kindness you might have for his Coat Let me ask you that Question Gent. Ay and to very small purpose when 't is not the Beast that thou hast been beating of but the Brother Else when thou proclaimest to the World the vicious debauch'd and licentionu Actions of Friends why dost thou not say It 's the Devil or the Bear in the shape of a Friend Or else thou maist well imagine the most of Men will be under a mistake which it is thou meanest Pref. I tell you once more That the Devil doth not only put on the Habit and Ear-mark of Friends but sometimes their very Name too and yet for all that shall be a mere Devil still however he be Dignified and Distinguished So that for the time to come whenever you see the Cloven-Foot you may be assured it is the Fiend whatsoever other Figure he appears in Though it 's unquestionably true That the Devil hath haunted and doth still haunt the World in Forms much differing from that of Friends yet since It is a Masquing Habit he hath often taken up and worn it is to be hoped the Taylors will not fall out about it One of the greatest Difficulties will be to reconcile 〈◊〉 and Complement and make a Suit of Clothes of the Yea-and-Nay Stamp without Feather Lace or Ribbons sit well upon the Back of a Devil dancing to a Serenade or plunging himself into a Debauch And this in plain English is the highest part of the Devilism But since there hath hardly been any other Habit or Profession but the Fiend hath Masqueraded in the wonder may abate if we him clad in this especially if we consider the closeness of the Disguise Gent. Besides this there is much fault found with the scurrilousness of the Stile which in many places is so fulsome that it quite overcomes a weak Stomach and your Book is brought up immediately If the design be allow'd to be tolerable it is not to be imagined that a Stile so Luxuriant will pass amongst Men of Judgment and Temper but that it will be hiss'd off as an insufferable Indecency Pref. Sir between you and I if Books should be only Calculated for the Meridian of the Grave and Wise the Stationer as well as the Author may go hang themselves what can any Man suppose must become of a Bookseller that deals in such a Commodity What is there that turns to Accompt like Farce and Comedy You may keep a Philosophical Discourse by you all days of your Life when a trifling piece of Drolery shall bring in the Pence and the Bookseller now and then call for his Bottle of Wine Gent. But supposing all this it argues great
Word and the Thing by the World called Complement The Sence of the Friends concerning it HUMH Humh Humh Friends It may not be amiss when a Friend undertaketh to speak as touching a Thing the Nicity of the Thing the Subject of the Thing the Nature of the Thing the Matter of the Thing the Consequence of the Thing how far the Thing may be according to the Light and how far not according to the Light which is the main Thing in Question The Thing that we are now upon is concerning the Word or the Thing called Complement or Courtship which is all one in that which the Carnal call the Original For though Friends do not think fit to set forth their own Original before the Wicked ones yet they do and may think it lawful to declare their Thoughts as concerning the rise and first derivation of the Words and Fashions used by the Wicked Humh As for concerning and touching the word Complement it is of a base filthy polluted and carnal Original it being found in the Language of the Beast or the Roman Language which few Friends are acquainted withal as thus they teach the poor deluded Youth in their carnal Schools Complement Complementior Complementissimus which soundeth so filthily as is enough to turn the Stomach especially of a She Friend for what can tissimus and issimus signifie unless they have a prophane meaning So again they derive it from Complementare Complementiri and Complete-mentiri which the Carnal Ones themselves say signifies no other than a downright Lye so again the Vain Ones say I must pay a Complement to such a Lady as they call 'em or such a Person as if Lying were a Debt which they owed and must pay to one another So again says one of them I received a Complement from such a Lord or Gentleman as they call one another which is as much as to say I received a Lye a Sham an Vntruth or the like Whereas Friends make no use of such Words as look one way and mean quite another but leave them to the carnal Ones For the Language of Friends is after this sort I have heard from Thomas or so or I have received a Message from Abigal which commonly carries ten to one more in it than their vain puff-past Airy Words can pretend to So they say in their Teachings Second-Lye Third-Lye and Fourth-Lye wherein many times they speak much according to Truth but therefore Friends say Again in the second place If a Friend out of pure Simplicity and Tenderness should go to one of these young Whipper-snappers and taking him by the Hand and twinkling his Eyes should speak unto him after this manner Friend I have great Yearnings for thee and wish I could prevail with thee to lay by thy overgrown Perriwig of Harlots Hair thy carnal Sword thy painted Habit and become a Friend of the Light it is pity such a well-featur'd Youth and one for whom Nature hath done so much should cast himself away by following the evil Manners of the Wicked for if thou didst but know the sweet Enjoyments that are to be had amongst Friends I dare say thou wouldst find them much safer and more suitable to thy Inclinations than this profuse and open way of Gallantry as thou callest it for I am greatly moved towards thee and could wish thou wouldst leave that frothy carnal Way of the World called Complement and become as one of us What reply may we think would be returned to such a courteous sweet and friendly Invitation Alas alas let me see whether I can for once set my Mouth in such a Beastly Figure why look thee thus it would come out for I have seen it so 'Slid what doth this Impudent Quakering Caâ—ting Fellow mean by all this damn'd Harangue What doth he think to make the World in Love with Yea's and Nay's with crop'd Ears antick Grimmases nonsensical Whinings and ridiculous unbred Impudence Heark thee Friend I would advise thee to remove thy nauceous Address to some 〈◊〉 place for if thou doest again abuse my Ears with thy absurd Declamations I shall go near to lay the weight of my Cane over your unsanctified Loggerhead you bâ—se uncourtly Coxcomb This or much to like purpose would be the ungrateful return of one of these poor deluded Youths Which brings me to the Third Thing which was just-now hinted in the Word Vn-courtly for it is from this Fountain that all the other Mischiefs do slow as our Right trusty Friend James Naylor heretofore Witnessed and it may appear from considering the Word nakedly in it self and figuratively as they call it that is to say clothed with such a Sence as they please to put upon it The naked word Court hath been consider'd by Friends to have been applied unto many Things There were two Courts in the Temple of Solomon the Outer Court and the Inner but the Houses of worldly Princes were â—ot then called Courts but Houses or Palaces But afterwards when they had large places of Entrance walled in before them with Gates for prophane Coaches and Chairs to enter they were Yâ—leaped Courts Our Friends have not said much upon this Subject they having had little Business in such Places unless it were to complain of Grievances and sometimes in friendly manner to Upbraid and Raile at their Governors and to denounce certain Woes against such as have opposed what Friends call the Light and therefore I shall not meddle much with that Matter There are likewise Courts in Westminster-Hall where Friends have the benefit of Sueing and Impleading the Men of the World that would Deceive and Defraud them of the things belonging to their outward Tabernacles and the Men of Law that belong to those Places will upon the appearance of Friends Angels say as much and fill the Hall with as much noise on behalf of Friends as on behalf of the Wicked To this Court it is not only lawful but expedient for Friends to Travel as I said for securing the Advantages of their outward Man. And Friends are often observed to be great Followers of these Courts drudging after the Green Bags the Gowns and Coifs and bringing as great a Harvest to the Men of the Robe as other of their carnal Clients It is easie for any that have the Light to observe from hence the Original of the word Courtly as if I should say Court-Lye and though it be allowable upon the account of Friends yet ought the Wicked by no means to take Advantage thereof This word Courtly is in such great request among the carnal World that some of their heathenish Poets have made a Play thereof and have insolently dubb'd it with the vain glorious Title of Sir Courtly Nice which is one of the most Paganish Inventions that ever blasted the Eyes of Friends For as Friend holding forth at Bull-and-Mouth oftentimes extends his Voice distends his Lungs casts up his Eyes distorts his Mouth erects his Ears and puts himself forth in such
Postures as extorts Laughter from the unthinking part of the Auditory even so is this poor thing Sir Courtly exposed on a prophane Stage until he become the very Ridicule of the Spectators which calls to mind a Scrap of the Beasts Language that I once learn'd at School O Tempora O Mores But what shall I say now I come to speak of another Court which is not far from Paul's Church as they call it Court Court Court where Friends have been long at School and undergone divers sorts of Discipline I say They have been Couâ—ted long and often but all to no purpose for Friends are Friends still and so they will continue notwithstanding all the means used to the contrary And as heretofore Friends chose to wear Grey Clothing out of a dislike to Brown because it bore the Name of a certain man of Abbington that had stuck close upon the Skirts of Friends thereabouts Even so will the Name of Court be ever distasteful to Friends upon account of the Place called the Commons on the South-side of Paul's Church-Yard before-mentioned So much concerning the Original and Acceptation I mean among Friends of the Words Court and Complement in such request among the Wicked I shall next shew thee the way of Address that is allowable amongst such as the World calleth Quakers CHAP. II. Of friendly Salutations used by the Yea-and-Nay People HAving kick'd the carnal Complements of the Wicked out of Doors it may not be amiss to acquaint thee with the manner of Greetings used amongst Friends and the reason thereof and therefore I shall begin as is usual amongst the Brethren of the Wind-mill at the wrong end and treat of the last thing first that is to say the Reason why Friends may Greet one the other In the first Place Because Friends have the Light and can by help thereof discern the difference between Person and Person and betwixt one Thing and another Yea I say unto thee Friends are Light-headed which makes them wear Hats of the largest Size that may depress and keep them fast upon their Shoulders Sometimes Friends have been so Light-headed especially after some Creature-refreshment that they have not been able to stand alone without the help of some fellow Creature as one prophanely Sings A Candle of himself can't stand upright The reason is because his Head is light Yea many times He-Friends have been so very Light above their Shoulders that She-Friends have been compelled to graft on brow-Antlers and Prongs of the largest size to keep their Airy Craniums from being puffed off with every blast and this Commodity hath abounded so much amongst Bull-and-Mouth People of late that it hath been thought the price of Utensils at horn Fair hath been much abated on that Occasion There is another sort of Lightness besides to which She-Friends are much addicted and that is when their Heels are Light Yea verily and some of them are Light indeed For it hath been observed that when a Female Friend hath come into a Room with a Bed that is to say whereon the outward Man useth to be stretched especially if some powerful Friend hath been in the Chamber that then I say She-Friends Bowels have fallen a Yearning and such a Lightness hath seized her Neither Parts that streightways Female Friend hath been overcome by the weight of Affection Thus the Light of the Brethren lies as thou maist see in their Heads and that of the Sisters by Antithesis in their Heels Again some She-Friends have been observed to be so Light of Members that they have been blown down by a blast from the mouth of the Wicked having not been able to resist that slender force Now whether this may be imputed to the Lightness of the Sex or to their Complaisance is not much to the purpose for either way it may pass for an obliging Complement But the Light that more particularly hath influenced Friends is that which the Beasts Language calleth an Ignis fatuus and some of their Modern Authors render Will-with-a-Wisp which leads Friends into many Inconveniencies that some of them have been over Head and Ears in foul Pollutions by running after it It was this sort of Light that led Friend Green astray to Court the Mare at Colchester and divers others into Feasts of like Nature And this Light Friends have been much observed to follow by which they have found out new Complements and forms of Address in use amongst them whereof some particular Forms are here Inserted Forms of Salutation used by Friends which shew their great Improvement in Courtship Here follow certain Titles which Friends have thought sit to bestow on them the World calls Great-men or Grandees When Friends are in a good Humour and the Magistrate behaves himself to their liking then Friends can sweeten them with an O King Ruler Magistrate c. And when very good Natur'd Charles or Henry But when Friends are out of Humour then woe be to their Magistrates for then out comes Tyrants Wolves Evil Shepherds c. For the Clergy Yea-and Nay Men pay them no respect at all but have wholly left them out of the List of Courtship for the kindest Word a Clergy-man shall get of them is Priest or Parson But more ordinarily they bestow on them the Titles of Baal's Priests Blind Guides Idol Priests Circingle Men c. Parish Churches are called Steeple-Houses Synagogues of Satan and the like Cathedral or Collegiate Churches are called in the Language of Friends Mass Houses Houses of Baal Houses of Rimmon Idol Temples Play-houses Piping-houses and many other rhetorical Names according as Friend stands affected for Friends have no small faculty in bestowing Names though they refuse to be Godfathers But to proceed when the Bishops come athwart us they are sure to meet with High Priest or Ananias Caiphas Bishop Bonners Whores of Babylon c. Judges Justices and Magistrates are Complemented according to the Dialect of Friends with Pontius Pilates Centurions Task Masters Gown and Coiâ—e-men As for Scribes Pharisees Hypocrites Friends bestow them promiscuously amongst all Sorts and Conditions of Men that are not of their own make and so for Foxes Vipers Serpents Cockatriâ—es Bears Tygers and the like It hath been thought meet by the Naylorians to affix all the names of venomous ravening and hurtful Creatures on the rest of Mankind and to dress them up in the greatest Deformity imaginable whilst the sweet alluring Names of Lambs Doves Patridges Pheasants and the like are only retained and bestowed on Friends in token of their Usefulness and Excellency above the rest of the corrupted Mass of Mortals By the same Figure may Male Friends be called Codlings Apricocks Pound-pears Parsnips or Carrets and Female Friends may be named Cherries Strawberies Musk-melons Musk-plums or Open-arses all being delicious and wholesom Fruit whilst the Wicked are Thorns Wild-goards Thistles Cankerberries Darnel Cockle Tares or any thing else that is useless and rejected amongst Men. Yea I say unto thee
that are useless and rejected for only the Friends are the useful the valuable Creatures amongst Men for if it were not for Friends how should so many thousand poor Families be kept on work for the Weaving and making of Ribbons Laces Flower'd Silks Fans Feathers Vizors Bulls Beads Nose Jewels Farthingals Pickadiles and the like Jewellers Tailors Lace-men Embroiderers Sword-Cutlers Armourers Guilders Picture-drawers Fringe-makers Dancing-masters Singing-masters Instrument-makers Fencing-masters and in short half the Town and half the People therein might go hang themselves did not Friends support their Trades and lay out their Stocks for the Maintenance of their Families So endeth the Second Chapter CHAP. III. Certain Examples of friendly Greetings towards Great Men. ABOUT the Year 1667 certain She-Friends took an occasion to pass a Complement on the then Pope Alexander the Seventh They followed the Light or the Will-with-a-Wisp that I told thee of until they came to the City of Rome In their Passage they travelled through the French Army then on the Borders of Flanders though I cannot remember that they left any sign of their Light behind them but they pursued their Course through divers Regions and Principalities until they arrived at the Apostolical See there after many days Seeking and Attendance having declared unto divers that they had a particular Message to the Man called the Pope at length they were admitted into the Palace whereupon like true Friends they began to open saluting his Holiness by the Names of the Man of Sin Whore of Babylon The Scarlet Whore sitting on a Beast with Seven Heads with many other Apocalyptick Greetings which the Holy Father thought very improperly applied to him at length the good Father demanded of them What Profession they were of They told him that they were Friends of the Light whom the Carnal abusiveely called Quakers and that they had come from far on purpose to pass those Complements and to pour their Vials on the Seat of the Beast with abundance more of their quaking Rhetorick and figurative Nonsence At length the good Man began to apprehend they might be troubled with some sort of Hypocondriack Distemper much like that which haunts Oliver's Porter and his Housemates on the South-side of Moorefields whereof the Witty Hudibrass Sings As Wind in th' Hypocondria pent Is but a F t if downward sent But if it upward chance to fly Turns to New Light and Prophesy So they were compassionately delivered over to the care of divers able Physicians who having prescribed them frequent Bleedings and a mortifying Diet for a considerable time our Females at last begun to feel an Inclination to return to their Native Country whither they were dismiss'd having left much of their Disease behind them but bringing back much more Light than they carried out for they returned not only with light Heads light Purses light Bodies but not a little Light-hearted that they had escaped the Discipline of the Doctors Where are there now amongst any other sort of People but we of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe any whose Civility shall lead them through so many hazards and dangers of losing their Light to pass a Complement upon a Stranger Where are there I say amongst the Wicked and Carnal any that are buoy'd up to such a height of Courage and seared with such a friendly hardness to carry them through such an Adventure as this Nay nay it is not to be expected that their Lights should last them half the way especially meeting with so many puffs and countâ—e-puffs as Friends met withal But you must know that all this while Friends carried their Light in a dark Lanthorn with the Box so close shut upon it that none could possibly discern it and was not this a Politick as well as a Courtly trick of the She-Friends Judge thee Another Relation touching the Courtship of Friends In the Days of Oliver when preferment went by Merit and Friends were made Just-Asses and the Brethren of the Light enstrusted with the Staff of Authority when Friends of the Enthusiastick Order saw Plots in the Air by way of Vision and the Revelation of a Conspiracy was enough to Chop off the Heads of all the Loyal Party About that time an Order was Issued out to Robert Tichbourne called Lord Mayor to double the Watches of the City for that it was feared the Lyons would run away with the Tower of London on their backs Tichbourne sent out his Warrants to the Constables in pursuance of the said Order Amongst the which one came to the hand of one of our Friends of the Wind-mill who was then called Constable of Smithfield he was charged thereby to apprehend all Persons that passed in his Rounds betwixt the hours of Nine at Night and Six in the Morning unless they gave a very satisfactory Account of their Business Accordingly Friend with his carnal Beadle and Watchmen took their Post at the time appointed and about One in the Morning a Party of Oliver's Horse-guards who had Orders to have an Eye on that side came athwart Friend's Rounds Whereupon Friend demanded of them what they were and they replied they were of the Guard but it being the depth of the Night Friends Light happened to fail him for Friends Light doth not always serve them in the Dark though they can discern in the Dark as well as without Light so that Friend supposing they might be Enemies of the wicked Cavalier Party put them into Custody until the next morning the Captain of the Guards having notice of it sent a Party for them and complained thereof unto him they called the Supreme whereupon Oliver sent for Friend-Constable and having demanded of him the reason why that affront was put upon his Guards Friend in most Courtly Phrase returned this or the like Answer Since thou hast sent for me O Oliver upon this Occasion I shall acquaint thee with the best of my Knowledge concerning it according to the measure of Light that is within me Therefore thou maist understand O Oliver that thy Servant Robert Tichbourne sent unto me saying Take unto thee a Band of Men and get thee into one of the high Places of the City namely Smithfield and there keep thee diligent Watch and Ward from the hour of Nine in the Evening until the Sixth hour the next Morning seizing on such as give not account of themselves And accordingly I took unto me a Band of Men and went into the high Place of the City namely Smithfield and behold about the Second Watch there appeared unto us as it were some of the Sons of Men Armed and riding upon Horses and I said unto them Who are ye and they answered and said We are the Guard And I answered and said unto them Nay buâ— we are the Guard. Whereupon a dispute arising touching that matter I smote them Hip and Thigh and laid them in Bands Now if there be any fault in this matter thou canst not take it to be in me who received the Order
but in Robert Tichbourne who sent it After Friend had passed this Extraordinary Complement on his High and Mightiness it took such Effect with the Ruler that Friend was not only dismissed without Chastisement but was told He had done well in what he had done By this we see the great Power that is in Friends Rhetorick how it brings them off the Bilboes and lays those Storms that gather in the Forehead of Authority and not a Hair of Friends Head shall be in danger by the breaking thereof O Complement Complement I mean only Friend's Complement thou art certainly descended in a direct Line from the Light thou hast such noble and generous Effects in laying the Passions even of unruly Men. Another Complement by a Friend of the Order of the Grape on a famous King of B. M. Though Friends of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe are much addicted to find fault and fall out with the Creature yet it is found by Experience that some Creatures are of great Advantage of Friends and amongst the rest Friends ought to speak well of the Creature called Wine which is a beneficial Creature in many respects It is said the heathen Poets have made many prophane and wicked Ballads in Praise of this Juice of the Vine and have called it Nectar and the Fountain of Helicon and have Dedicated it to their Heathen God Bacchus as they call him a most debauch'd and loose Companion whom themselves always paint with red a Nose and fiery Face a tun Belly and Bunches of Grapes round his Head with a great Goblet of Wine in his Hands sitting a-stride a great Tun or Vessel all which are lewd Intimations of their beastly Inclinations But Friends have found out greater Advantages by the Juice of the Grape than these Heathen People could ever pretend to for Friends have not set themselves upon Tuns in that carnal naked manner without Clothes on their Backs but Friends have got Clothes to their Backs yea I say Clothes to their Backs and City-houses and Country-houses nay some have had the vanity to be hurried about in tâ—â—â—r Coaches too after the manner of the Wicked and all by virtue of this same Juice of the Vine whilst the beastly Poets who have pretended to be Inspired by it have sung themselves out of all they had And is not this a vast difference I say then That they are only the Friends of the Light that know how to put a value on this so excellent and beneficial a Creature having got the right knack of improving themselves thereby I speak not this that thou shouldst think Friends know not the use of its Vertue in other respects for to deal plainly with thee there are a sort of Wet-friends who perhaps have been as sensible of the warm Effects of the Bottle as the great hectoring noisey Pretenders But what then Doth it follow that if a Brother have a little Eclipsed his Light by taking too much Liquor into his Vessel and happen in that Condition to stumble over a Female Creature in the Dark must he presently send a Note of it to Doctors Commons and get all the carnal Wasps called Parritors about his Ears Nay nay Beloved Friends have more of the Serpent than so to expose themselves But I had almost forgot I promised thee an Account of a passage between Friend B. and a certain King and it was thus Friend B. was a Vintner and I need not tell thee his Dealing was in that sort of Juice I just now spoke of it happened that one day some of the King's Servants belonging to the Cellar drinking at his house so much approved of the Wine that they agreed for several Vessels of it and marked them up having agreed to send for them the next Morning and taken with them some Bottles whereof the King having had a Taste so far liked the Wine that he commanded it to be kept for his own use But behold when the Carts came in the Morning to carry off the Vessels they were all Enchanted not one of them could so much as be moved for Friend B. had laid an Imbargo on them because the People that agreed for the Price of them had not sent the Praemium which had been determined between them whereupon the King became acquainted that Friend B. had refused to send the Wine by the Carts so that in fine the Vintner was sent for who at his Entrance into the Presence was accosted by one of the Ushers who endeavoured to take off his Hat which the King perceiving who was a Prince of a very excellent Humour commanded to let his Hat alone whereupon Friend drew near and making a complemental Nod which amongst Friends passes for a Bow the King demanded of him Whether he were the Quaking Vintner that had refused to trust him with the Wine his People had marked up To which Friend replied He was one of those the World called Quakers but that he had not refused to trust the King with the Wine for if he thought fit he should have all the Wine Friend had But continued he to deal plainly with Thee Thou hast a sort of People about Thee that I do not care to have to do with This Jest so pleased that gracious Prince that Friend was ordered his Money and presently the Enchantment was dissolved and the Vessels had leave to depart out of Friends Custody So that as I was saying to thee Friends are Wise in their Generation and know how to make more advantage of the Creature than the pretended Grape-admirers can pretend to CHAP. IV. Certain Instructions for such as would learn to Accost after the most refined Manner in use among the Bull-and-Mouth People FRiends may be observed to distinguish themselves into divers Sorts and accordingly have several ways to Address and Greetings used amongst them There are a rough-hewen stubborn stiff-necked sort of Yea-and-Nay People that are of a more morose sullen and reserved Temper There are a sort of sinical spruce dapper Periwig-friends that are of a more refined Cut. And there are another kind of Wet-Quakers so called because they will Soak up abundance of the Creature and lie dabling in a Tavern or â— Friends House for divers hours together and never shrink a Hair for it These are of a more Sociable Complaisant and Debonnaire Make than the rest of the Profession and rather than fail will Associate themselves with the Publicans and Men of the Times to beget in them a good Opinion of the Genius and Humour of Friends that they may see that Friends are not so far removed from the Influences of Flesh and Blood but that they can relish the Refreshments of the Creature and take a share in the liberal use of her Bounties As for the first Sort of these as their Temper is more rugged so is their way of Greeting more Blunt Stiff and Inflexible for their Posture is ordinarily with their Arms folded upon their Breast their Hats somewhat of a larger
Size less Hair on their Heads and less Linen appearing in their Neckcloths than the rest a walk slow starch'd and severe and out of that Posture they will not put themselves upon the account of any Person whatsoever for as for carnal Men they pass them by either wholly neglected or at best allow them but an Innuendo Upon meeting an Acquaintance they shall just stop in the same Posture and stare ye full in the Face with How dost thee Edward or William How fares it with thee How it is or so and then casting their Eyes down on the Ground of a sudden walk off with a Humh Fare thee well The second Sort accosts thee after a much different manner with an Air and Grace very obliging having their Hats more Fashionable their Cravats larger their Apparel of a more gentile Cut of very fine Cloath and richer Lining with an inviting Bow inclining pretty low a gentle Elevation and a courteous Grasp by the hand with Friend Samuel how is it with thee Sometimes if Gloves are off a soft touch in the Palm and a pretty sort of grin twinkling the Eyes Friend how dost thee do or the like holding thee by the Hand in friendly manner and sweetly Leering in thy Face all the while shall ask thee Art thee free to take a Dish of Coffee or a Walk upon Change or the like where these mortified Self-deniers shall be surrounded with Brokers Chapmen Masters of Ships Messages c as if they had Engross'd all the Trade of the River But if thou art not free to go thou art dismiss'd with a Humh I am very busie Well I should be glad to see thee some time c. This the base Censorious World may be apt to interpret Ostentation or so but Friends well know the Advantage of this way of Courtship But now it fares much otherwise if one or so of the prettier sort of She-friends happen to come athwart these second kind of Friends for then the pretty Simpers are made the Face drest with friendly Smiles Then it is fit that business should give way that Friends outward Man may take some Creature refreshing Then Humh Alack alack Susan I am glad to see thee why when wast thee in Town before How is it with John or Robert If she be a married Woman When dost thee expect him home or How is it with thy Family c. She-friend replies Indeed I think it may be a pretty while since I saw thee but I rejoice to see thee so well tho why thee lookest very well I am in some doubt whether I may see John yet this month or two but when wilt thee call at Horsâ—y-down or Lime-house Verily thee mayst come if thee didst think it convenient if it may so stand with thy Business Yea verily Susanna continues male-Male-friend I think it may very well stand with my Business at this time I warrant thee maist be thirsty with walking so far therefore I would have thee accept of some Refreshment at Friend M's I use to go there with a Friend sometimes Well then quoth Female since thee beest Free unto it I shall be Free to go with thee for some time Then because Friends cannot Epicurize the pint of Old-Hoc is called for and the â—arrel of Oysters then up comes the Florence Tuscane and Canary the Sturgeon Lobsters Pigeons Westphalia Bacon cold Capon Anchovies Caveare or cold Salet according to the Season and being very mellow the Door is fastned and Friends endeavour to wear off the Fumes of the Banquet and being known to be Friends of the Light the Drawer disturbs them not until the Streets are pretty Dark then the Coach is privately called to the Door and Friends gentily slide in and rumble home after the Ceremony of a private holding forth Next I come once more to the Wet-Brother who is an indifferent Sociable Animal and of a more Complaisant way of Address for he commonly greets his Acquaintance not altogether unsuitable to their Quality for he is heard to say to a Lord Lord P. or Lord S. how is it with thee to a Military Officer Collonel P. or Captain W. thee art a Man of a good humour and thee talkest very prettily or so I could be glad to drink a glass of Wine with thee sometimes but thou art so given to swear in thy Discourse that Friends think it not well for me to be with thee So after this pretty sort of Insinuating manner Wet-friend creeps into any sort of Company and is as free of his Bottles and Collations as the Topmost of them all Canting after his Yea-and-Nay manner till the repeated Glasses of Wine so enflame his Light that it may be seen to blaze at his Face and Eyes Thus it is observable that Wet-brother never balks nor ceases to force about the Glass with a wilt not thee drink Captain P. or the like until as was said his outward Tabernacle seems to be all on fire Then is Friend become the Buffoon of the Company holding forth in the abundance of his own Sence till he has talked and drunk himself into the Opinion of all in the Room then a Song is admitted to be seasonable and Friends outward Man approves the Wit of it then out comes the unsanctified Humh It were pity such an ingenious Man should be so much given to Waggery but to deal plainly with thee I never was against any thing that was smart and witty though Friends themselves were Exposed in it Hick-cough prevented Friend from enlarging upon that Point This may suffice to give thee an Intimation of the Morals of Friends when that which is called the outward Man prevails for that obstinate Case many times will carry the Light within into places of such obscurity that there may be little or no Signs of the inward Refulgencies as damps and ill Vapours are observed to stifle the Shinings of a tallow Tapour which puts a Period to the Fourth Chapter CHAP. V. A further Illustration of Friendly Correspondence by way of Letters A Letter from a Friend that had buried his Wife about a second Election Friend THou knowest that about the Eleventh Day of the Fifth Month my late Wife Margaret departed out of the State of Mortality having done the part of Friend for Thirteen Years She had in that time no less than Fourteen Children which were named without Dipping Crossing or Sprinkling the first came in Two Months after we came together being the First Fruits and Pledge of our friendly Acquaintance as for the rest she often told me that some of them resembled thee especially Isaac and Thomas and I hope thee wilt be kind to me for their sakes Since her outward Tabernacle was laid amongst the dust of Friends in the purchased place of Burial I have had great hankerings and lustings after strange Women and have sometimes suspected that somewhat of the Root of Wickedness hath remained in me But as thee art a Friend I will be plain with thee for I
am apt to think thy Wife's Sister Elizabeth may be in Condition to cure these wild Inclinations All the while I was at the Holding-forth in Lombard-street she carried away my affections so far from what was said that not a Word of that precious Friend could sink into my Memory yea I must acknowledge to thee that my Desires went a wandring and Margaret was as much out of my Thoughts as if I had never known her Indeed Margaret hath told me that thee wast a very good Natur'd Man and didst very well understand the very Symptoms of friendly Inclinations therefore it may be thou knowest the better how to advise thy Friend in like Condition so that if thou thinkest it convenient I may take her home to me to lie in my Bosom Verily Friend this seems to be very agreeable to me and I am apt to think thy Sister-in-Law Elizabeth may have some well-wishings to me for to be plain with thee she permitted me all the time of the Meeting to use a Familiarity with her It is said That the Heathen Philosopher called Aristotle recommended it as the fittest time for Males to Marry at Thirty Years of Age and the Females at Fifteen and I am of the mind it may be very suitable if Friends may take a Heathens advice for though my Name was never entered on the Church-Book as they call it yet by computation I am about Four and thirty Years of Age and as I have been told she may be about Sixteen which suites so exactly with the advice of that Philosopher who they say was a great Midwife And I remember Margaret read much in a Book said to be hâ—â— that it might not be unsuitable if we did Join together for the Propagation of another Race of Friends If this will not be hearkned unto I am afraid I may some time or other requite thy kindness to my Margaret upon thy Abigail so that if it may be proper for thee to advise Elizabeth concerning this matter I would not have it be long before thee send me an Answer for if I be not the sooner Accommodated I shall go near to be in the State of the Wicked Thus I have thought fit to set before thee the whole of my Condition and to crave thy Assistance in this matter especially I having by Industry obtained somewhat of the outward things of the World and being sensible that Elizabeth will bring with her somewhat that may add to the fulness of the Creature and to the Desires of Thine in the Light J. N. An Answer of Friend unto the foregoing Letter Friend John THine of the Eleventh Day of this Fifth Month by the World called July came safe to my Hand and as touching and concerning what thou writest about Elizabeth it is very likely I may be free to act for thee according to thy desires Thee writest of the need thy outward Man standeth of a Meet-helper it is very probable that having been accustomed to use of a Yoke-Fellow thee mayst have some Yearnings after Creature-Refreshment If thee didst thy self reveal the matter to Elizabeth and shew her how the Case standeth it is very likely thee mayst find her Inclinable it being now about the Age of Desires with her and I doubt not but she may prove a Help-meet for thee upon both accounts being possess'd not only of Youth enough to set an Elder agog but having besides a considerable Stock of what the World calls Fortune besides what she expects from Pensylvania I shall give her such a Character of thee as shall not leave her insensible of thy Inclination and Ability as to the Affair in Question and herein thou shalt not fail of the best performances of Thy Friend as to the Light D. F. From the South-side of Moorefields this 19. day of the aforesaid fifth Month. A Dialogue between John and Elizabeth Elizabeth NAY John but thee mayst not think to take such freedom with me unless thee and I had been better Acquainted for to deal plainly with thee thy Carriage is no less boisterous than that of the loose carnal Ones amongst the Wicked Didst thou ever see any one so tumbled and tossed unless it were one of the Light-housewifes in their sinful Houses and dost thee think to serve me after that manner John. Yea but Elizabeth heark thee unto me I say were it one of the worldly Youths that should handle thee after this manner thee mightest have some cause to complain I say if one of the carnal Ones should press so upon thee but for me who am as thee knowest a Brother of the first Head and have divers times held forth at Meetings of Friends I say this looks as if thee wert not acquainted with that Freedom which we of the Light may use within and amongst one the other Alack if I should have come and made such a brisk Attempt upon thee in presence of the loose Ones of the World then thee mightest have had some Reason to Complain but how is it possible that thee canst have any Fellow-feeling of my Condition or I of thine unless we come close to the Business to know how things are Eliz. There may be something in what thee sayst for ought I know but I have not been much accustomed to things of this Nature and I did expect thou shouldst have come in a more Courtly manner John. What then it is possible thee expectest I should come to thee after the Formal and Idolatrous Manner that the Phantastical Fellows of the Times come to them they call their Ladies and their Misses which is much after the same manner that the Pagans do to their vile Abominations that is to say Cringing and Scraping and Bowing and Uncovering my Head saying a Thousand such abominable Lyes and Vntruths as Madam I am your most humble Servant Madam I am glad of the Honour to kiss your Fair Hands with abundance more of such frothy ceremonial useless nonsensical canting Balderdash which signifies no more than a Tale of a Tub when even themselves and aâ—â— the wiser sort of Men cannot but know that to squeeze the Question in a few honest well-meant words to the purpose and a good round warm Application to the Business in hand hath been ever found to be more available and successful as I said even amongst themselves For after all their Congees and Trips their Legs and their Lips and the Complement they bring which can Spell no Thing they must at last come close to the Matter or all the Fat 's in the Fire and their noisey blustering Complements vanish in Dust and Smoak But what signifies all this Bustle and Clutter amongst Friends Eliz. Nay I never was against that honest natural Freedom that allows every Creature to make use of their own Gifts and Talents with all the Freedom thee canst imagine but how I or mine came to be Entail'd to thee I do not yet see for I am apt to think there may be two words to a
Bargain and that thee oughtest not to lay any Claim to me without shewing any warrantable Pretence for it and before we go any farther I am willing to be satisfied as to this matter John. Yea and that thou quickly mayst for I would have thee to understand that I am Sound from Top to Toe and every way as well qualified as another Man. But if this be not sufficient I am Free that thee shouldst have any further satisfaction that thee shalt desire Eliz. Nay John if thee art of the mind that this be such an undeniable demonstration of thy right to use me as thee pleasest I shall be free to declare to thee that I would have thee to consider this looks in thee like Extravagant Motion which when thou shalt come to consult the Light will appear otherwise than now thou dost imagine and what will the Wicked say when they shall understand after what manner thou hast been making out thy Title John. First I would not have thee trouble thy mind at what the Discourses of such may be because it cannot in any ways affect us because we are not of them and besides all that they can say will imply no more than this That they deny that Freedom to us which themselves take when they think fit For if only the Carnal Ones should take the Liberty to Encrease and Multiply what must become of our Yea-and-Nay Tribe Must the Family of the Light be Extinct for want of Issue This indeed were the ready way that Paganism should again cover the Face of the Earth But Elizabeth since I find that thou art come to the Age of Maturity it may be needful for thee to receive thy measure of Creature-Comfort rather from the Hands of a Friend than an Alien and from one of the Light rather than from the Men of the World. Eliz. As for what thee wert speaking touching Maturity I can say little to it because as thee knowest we are denied the use of Books which are by Friends thought to be the Effects only of humane Learning and by consequence very hurtful to the Light though to be free with thee I am of Opinion they may in some Cases be very useful for it happened that once a Book called the Academy of Complements came to my Hands and really John thee canst hardly think after what manner it wrought with me for the Readings filled me with such warm and sweet Motions and such inward Inclinations as I think very suitable to my Years John. Yea Elizabeth and I would have thee consider how very sweet the Comâ—â—â—ts of Matrimony must be if those little Motions that stir up an Inclination to Love be so transporting Eliz. Yea John I will be plain with thee for I saw thy Letter to Daniel concerning me and he did in friendly manner open the matter on thy behalf but I must needs say neither one nor other drew forth my Inclinations towards thee as the Enlargement thou hast made on the Account which hath abundantly convinced me that it may be convenient for thee to hold forth in a State of Marriage for I have a good Opinion of thee in respect of natural Endowments and am free to tell thee That it is not the Thing called Fortune shall separate us for thou knowest I have enough of that to bid Friends welcome withal and since thou seemest to be a Man of good Parts and of good Condition I am willing to comply with thy Desires John. Elizabeth thou hast quite Captivated my outward Man and hast quite melted down the Light within me Eliz. Farewel John I shall be in pain untill I see thee again John. Farewel Elizabeth and whilst the Sons and Daughters of the Wicked are tied up by the Pagan Priests for better for worse for term of Life thou and I will be our own Priests according to the Primitive Invention of conjugal Cohabitation till death us do part Eliz. Fare thee well John. Farewel CHAP. VI. Containing divers Letters from Friends upon several Occasions A Letter from a Friend to an Attorney in London to Arrest one that owed him Monies Friend I Herewithal send unto thee the Copy of an Accompt as it was stated between J. W. of London and my self on the Seventh Month of the last Year as thee mayst see by the Writing it is a part of my outward Portion which I cannot well want And since the Jews our Predecessors are allowed to Implead and recover Debts due to them I know not why Friends may not be free to secure their part of the Worldly Mammon Therefore I would have thee to employ a carnal Officer called a Serjeant to seize upon his outward Tabernacle and lay him in Custody until such time that the Monies be paid down or some one or other known to be considerable in the Goods of this World put his Fist of Wickedness to a further Security so that I may not be defrauded of my outward Subsistence However I would have thee use all convenient moderation towards the Creature and for thy trouble herein thou shalt be satisfied by Thine in the Light W. R. Utopia this 17th of the 5th Month 81. Another Letter from Friend A. to the Parson of N. Wicked Priest THou Hireling thou Priest of Baal nay thou Member of the Beast that sittest in thy Steeple-house and there thou pretendest to be acted by the Infallible Spirit which thou receivedst when thy Predecessors of the Order of the Mag-py laid their wicked bloody and unclean Hands upon thy filthy Noddle when alas there is no Light no not so much as the least glimmering of Light in thee for thou art compassed and covered with thick darkness yea with Egyptian darkness which leadeth thy People into that State which Spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt Though thou takest upon thee to be their Pastor thou rather appearest to be an Impostor for thou strippest and starvest and sellest thy Flock for filthy Lucre If thou beest not a Jew how darest thee demand and sue for the Tenths that were given under the Law to the Tribe of Levi Art thee a Priest of that Tribe And is thy Separation to thy Office such as theirs was How darest thou hold Friends in filthy Prison-houses and starve their Families under a pretence that the Tenth of their Labour is thy due unless I say thou wert of the Seed of Abraham and the Tribe of Levi Thinkest thou that Six or Seven Years studying the Language of the Beast at one of the two Infamous Vniversities and having thy Crown scratch'd in an Ember-week gives thee a Title to the Care of the Souls in the Parish of N. I say unto thee Nay nay nay for all the while thou art in the Gall of Bitterness and Bond of Iniquity therefore I declare unto thee in the Power of the Light and in Trembling and great Assurance that a horrible Tempest will overtake thee even such as will blow up the Foundations of thy False Church and discover
the rotten bottom thereof For the Cries of Friends are mightily against thee and will not fail to pull a horrible Vengeance upon thy Head. Therefore I advise thee to set at Liberty the Bodies of William and Tobet and Humphrey whom thou hast most wickedly and like a Member of the False Prophet kept in Bonds for filthy Hire so that they may be at Liberty to act in their Callings for the Support of their Families For thee mayst be well assured that if thou keep them there till Dooms-day Friends will not bow their Knee to thee nor to thy Baal whom thou after a most Idolatrous manner settest up Nay I say unto thee thou wilt find Friends rather willing to bear their Testimony unto the Death than to submit to thy Lewd and Idolatrous Impositions This was upon my mind to Declare unto thee to join my Testimony as a further Witness against thy carnal persecuting Spirit and hereunto I have set my Hand J. W. The 17th day of the 2d Month by the World called April and in the Year of Friends Captivity A Letter from a Friend in Noddy-Land Friend Thomas I Have often had thoughts of giving thee an Account of our Arrival in this Place of its Situation Temper and what we underwent as well in our Passage hither as since our Arrival and when this comes to thy Hand thou mayst see that I have taken the present Opportunity to dispatch unto thee by the Wind-mill Frigot Patrick Maggot Master being the same that brought us hither And it seems not amiss if I begin to relate unto thee what happened to us in our Passage which as thou knowest we began the 34th Day of the Month of Fancies When we came on Board at Gravesend there was very little material happened unto us until we passed the Downs saving that divers Friends came to take their Leaves of us not without promises that when we had planted the Light in those far Parts and Converted the Wolves and Natives of the Country to the Naylorian Faith they would come and seek out a Habitation amongst us and in the mean time would not fail to send over to us as many as they could of the Families of the Fickle-heads Paper-sculls Humourists and Stiff-necks besides some of the Order of Thomas Muggleton to Settle and Improve us in Bull-and-Mouth Faith. Having given us these assurances they recommended us to the Protection of the Waves leaving some vollies of Sighs to fill the Sails and a great many Farewels and goggling Glances to accompany us in the Voyage We took in divers Passengers as we passed down the Channel some of which I shall name unto thee because they may be of great use unto us in this place there was let me see Humh Thomas Giddybrains Arthur Holderforth Geofery Crackwit Marmaduke Featherpate and Humphrey Shakenoddle besides some She-Friends that freely offered themselves with much chearfulness to accompany the Brethren into any Region whatsoever for the sake of Propagating the Bull-and-Mouth Strain Amongst them was Elizabeth Stickfast Margery Tiplecan with some others who may be of great Refreshing when need shall require But I shall now speak no more of that matter but pursue my Design in acquainting thee with what we observed in our Voyage The first memorable Place we came to was that which they call the Bay of Biscay belonging to the Coast of Spain and our Wind-mill was here put very hard to it for the Winds were loud and contrary the Waters rough and mountainous so that it was well that we of the Ships Crew were of such Light Principles and make that we had no apprehensions of Sinking or else we might have been in danger of having our Lights quenched in the Bay by the Impetuosity of the Waters as some Friends have had theirs Extinguished on that Shore by the Violence of an Hurricane they call the Inquisition We continued two Nights and almost three Days in this boisterous Place before we got off and then the Sea calm'd and the Winds became gentle all of a sudden which seemed as if we had left all our troubles behind on the Shores of Europe and that we had now past the Storms of Adversity and were going to enjoy Peace Light and Tranquillity amongst the better natured Inhabitants of the Forests of Noddy-Land for though at our first Landing we might find them somewhat rough and barbarous yet we had no reason to dispair but the constant Temper of Friends and the Resemblance and Proportion they maintained in their Understandings with those of that New-found Country would soon beget a mutual Amity amongst us and reconcile them to so agreeable Conversation We continued our Course through a vast unbounded Ocean abounding with divers Sorts of strange Fishes some whereof had Wings and flew above the Waters these we thought might resemble Friends for that which occaâ—ioned these Fishes to fly was to avoid the devouring Jaws of certain great Fishes that hunted after them upon the face of the Waters and then they would of a sudden spring up and conveigh themselves in the Air to a far distant place and by that means were preserved We also saw divers of the great Fishes called Porpoises who with great and indefatigable Eagerness were still in pursuit of their Prey and these seemed unto us to represent our Adversaries the Informers Apparitors and Proctors who often suck in whole Shoals of Friends stowing them in the nasty Maws of their Prison-houses unless like the flying Fishes Friends get on Wing to avoid their greedy Chase One Night in our Passage Susanna dream'd That the Whore of Babylon had put her self in the Disguise of a Friend and was going over Incognito to mix her Tares and Chaff amongst the precious Seed that Friends were about to Plant in this to be reformed Climate and that she had on Board many Bushels of such detestable Weeds whereby she intended to choak the good Corn. We were very much troubled at this Vision of Susanna's and could not think it to be any think short of a Revelation wherefore we were as diligent as possible to find out if any such person was amongst us and began to enquire amongst our selves where every ones place of Birth and Abode had been At last it seems there was one who had been bred in Italy but upon further Examination of the Matter you could no more have imagined her to be the Whore of Babylon than the Cam of Tartary for it was not possible you could discern any difference betwixt her and the rest of the Sisters nor was there any sign that she had ever used Patching or Painting nor could we find so much as one Bull or Necklace amongst all her Cloaths besides her Looks were so Innocent her Demeanour so Humble and her general Conversation so sweet and obliging having such a particular kindness for Friends that we concluded Susanna's Dream must needs mean somewhat else that we could not conceive at that time and therefore we e'en
troubled our Heads no more about it A Day or two after we met with a small Storm which was very black and troublesom for sometime but it continued not long not above the space of four or five Hours The Captain told us we were then about the Isle of Poines and that there were a sort of Evil Spirits that haunted those Parts and always shewed some distaste or other when Friends passed by perhaps fearing least at some time or other Friends may take occasion to Plant the Light amongst them which doubtless would be the ruine of their State. At length we arrived after all difficulties and came safe on the Shore of a Land in all Respects so like our selves as if it had been cut out on purpose for nothing but an universal Confusion appeared nothing was Regular nothing in Order There were no Exchanges for Pride and Vanity no gilt Coaches nor painted Women no Steeple-houses nor Hireling-Priests no wicked Vniversities for the Corrupting of Youth with humane Learning no Inns of Court to set one Neighbour against the other And some are of Opinion it will be safer for the Publick to have no Laws at all amongst us for whilst we come not to a determination of what shall be Law every body hopes that his Opinion or Inclination may be gratified but when once the thing is concluded upon one side or other will certainly be disgusted Therefore the more Prudent conclude this way of suspending any positive determination as to that matter to be of more universal satisfaction than it were possible to be were it once resolved upon So that to me it seems much better not to be troubled with tedious Volumes of humane Laws which have always been such a burthen as neither Friends nor our Brethren of the Dissention have been able to bear And since there is no Transgression where there is no Law it would look as if we made Laws on purpose to make Transgressor but every Friend may be a Law unto himself and then of consequence there will be no room for vexatious Sutes carnal Officers wicked Prosecutions nor cruel Prison-houses And as for Steeple-houses we intend to Build none and that will be an Infallible way to keep out unclean Church-men for they will find little Comfort to Inhabit where they have no resting Place And we are out of hopes of bringing over the Natives to us in some short time by inviting them to a Promiscuous Cohabitation with us so that the Issue at first will be Enlightned on one side and in the next Generation there need be no doubt but they may be Transparent all through Our greatest fear is least at some time or other the Whales might Conspire against us and bring Doctors-Commons over Sea into this our illuminated Plantation but as long as London-bridge standeth in the old place it will be a hard matter for them to do it and we hope our Friends yet behind will take care to secure that Post For if that Nest of Plagues should once come to be Transplanted into this our Region it would soon render it Vnhabitable not only to us of Bull-and-Mouth Order but even the Old Inhabitants Bears Wolves and Tygers would find a troublesom Neighbourhood For the Security of our Territories I may without Vanity freely tell thee that we think our selves Head-strong enough to Guard them without the help of carnal Swords and Guns and for Powder we have an utter aversion because it is said to be the Invention of a Friar and smells rank of Superstition Thus I have as briefly as I could summ'd up unto thee what I have to say and was upon my mind to write unto thee concerning what I spoke of in the beginning of the Letter I would advise thee not to let it come into the Hands of the Wicked And so I rest Thine as touching the Light B. K. From the Yea-and-Nay Plantation in the Province of Noddyland this 7th Day of the 9th Month and in the 1st Year of Its Inhabitation CHAP. VII Some Questions and Answers by way of Discourse between a Yea-and-Nay Friend and a Man of the World. Man. O Friend John how is 't How goes Trade at the Wind-mill Tavern What thee still sellest Wine and Sin at 12 d. the Quart I warrant Friend Heark thee Cornet it is like I have sold thee many a Bottle of Wine and I have some reason to remember it but for the Sin thee speakest of I never contracted with thee for any Commodity of that Nature but it is to be feared thee mayst have dealt with the evil One for that I buy my Wines of Friend F who I am apt to believe thee thinkest to be an honest Man and would not sell me a drop of Sin in a Butt of Wine if he were aware of it Man. But John thee knowest Wine is a good Creature or else why dost thee deal in it And good Creatures do not put bad Things into Peoples Heads but I have sometimes drunk of Wine at thy House that hath put a Thousand ill Things into my Noddle and am therefore apt to think there might be something of the Old Man mixed with it for I could seldom come out of thy Doors but I must presently get into some Sinning-house or other and what canst they say to that Friend I say it is probable there might be somewhat too much of the Young Man in that for I can tell thee by Experience that when I was about thy Years it would have a much like Operation with me so that sometimes in an Evening I have had extravagant Thoughts that way but since I am come to write Old Man I find a great abatement of that ruffling Vigour which if it were in the Wine would still continue and therefore I am apt to think it is more in the Nature of the Man than in the Wine Man. John I commend thee thou art not like one of those Skew-mouth'd Sowrefac'd Ill-look'd Fellows that shall stand groaning and turning up their Eyes when they see a fair Lady though the Devil be not like them in a Corner but thou like a generous Man ownest thy Inclinations and this Frankness of thine is a Thousand times better than all their Mimicking Cant. Friend Yea though I am free to say so much to thee it might be much to my prejudice if Friends should come to hear of it For though as thee wert saying many of ' em are old Dog at it in a Corner they shall be the first to throw a Stone at a frail Brother Man. Well John I think after thee and I have so often been drunk together there is no need thou shouldst doubt my Secresie But 'prethee how does Jenny doe that 's a pretty Rogue Friend Nay thee wilt hardly imagine how Scurvily that Baggage hath served me almost enough to make me renounce Female Correspondence Man. A good modest word for it I vow but 'prethee Friend John how was it Friend Why after thee wentest
to the Camp I took her into my House to Board and used her with all the kindness thee canst imagine but one of my Merchants Men happening to come to the House one Afternoon when I was from home he got her out of the Bar and he got her up Stairs and got her to Eat and Drink with him at a high rate at length he got her quite from me and the Gipsie they say is gone to Fulham to take the Air thee mayst well think the rest So that I am left without a Female to Credit my Bar and to look after the Business of my House Man. Ay and without a Play-fellow ' Troth I pity thee poor Friend John. How dost thee manage thy self under these hard Circumstances and how does thy outward Man bear it under such a sad Disappointment Friend Why I have been thinking to borrow my Cooper's Wife Margaret and thee knowest she is a pretty Woman to stand in the Bar at times but her Husband is such a Jealous pated Fellow that if thee or I should at any time have any business to call her up Stairs the Fellow would presently run mad and spoil all my Wine and yet I must be forced to take in a Female to carry on the Trade of my House or else I were e'en as good pull down the Bush for the Town is come to that pass that thee and such as thee art will not drink at a Tavern unless there be something of a handsom Woman in the Case Man. Nay faith Friend John it is too true I am clearly for a little Love in the Case the Wine goes down the better for 't but some of these Bar-women though they look as demure as a She-friend at a Silent Meeting yet are detestably Common and shall make as much work for a Surgeon as half the â—ilts that ply in Fleetstreet and what is to be done in that Case Friend John Friend Why plainly I say such things may happen in wicked Houses where due care is not taken and there the Gamester must stand all hazards but thee hast seldom ever found such neglect at my House where none are admitted to that Freedom but a special Friend or so and if any thing be amiss the Female durst as well be Excommunicate as put such a trick upon a Customer that useth my House That would go near to raise so much of the Old Man in me as might break forth to the damage of her outward Tabernacle besides being for ever discharged of the Trust of the House But 'prethee Cornet come and see thy Friend some time thee mayst be assured of good Wine and a Souldiers Bottle Man. And procure a kind She-friend to boot Friend John it 's that I always insist upon I say canst thou not procure a good She-friend of thy own Green-apron Tribe I fancy such a Dish may do very well for change sometimes Friend Thee talkest after a reprobate sort of way as if I were to turn Broker or Procurer and have my House Branded with the Infamous Name of a Common-house nay nay I would not have thee press any thing upon me that looks that way But it 's like I may perswade or prevail with a sober Friend to be kind to thee or so but to turn Procurer I abominate the loath'd name of such a one Man. ' Troth admirably will distinguish'd hadst thou not been a Yea-and-Nay Brother I should have said learnedly distinguished and enlarged upon the Point No no I 'll have no procuring only prevail with a Friend as thee wert saying Faith Friend John I am very well Ediâ—ied and twenty to one may call upon thee touching the Premises Friend Fare thee well I would have thee be mindful Man. Never fear it Friend John Exit Laughing Certain Verses made into Metre to signifie Friends Attainment in Poetry WHen Heads of Friends at first were bent Like Wind-mills to turn round That Motion soon begat Ferment And streight a Light we Found A Light so dull obscure and faint No other could it see But Holders-forth did still maintain 't And hey Boys up got we Vpon a Tub or Stool advanc'd In midst of Learned Throng Till down their Cheeks fat Sweat hath danc'd And postern ferm'd among And still the Light the Light they squeak'd 'Pray mind â—he Light within Till all the Crowd with Heat have reak'd And yet no Light was seen But yet if carnal Learned Men Have taught their Scholars Right No Heat can be without some Fire And where there 's Fire there 's Light That there was Fire and Light Yea both Full plainly it appears By Foam of Yea-and-Nay-Man's Mouth And Glowing of his Ears Thus having prov'd Friends have the Light Next Thing I shall evince Is what the Brethren do see by 't Beyond the Power of Sence For such Discoveries they 've made By force of this same Optick That that which others make a Trade Would make a Friend quite Crop-sick And first this Light doth plainly shew What Steeple-houses are That they are Shops to set to view And vend proud Baal's Ware That 't is Friends Interest to fly From Walls so much prophan'd And make a Temple of a Sty A Stable or a Barn. That for a Friend to put off Hat Is great Abomination That Ribbons are of Pagan date And Lace a carnal Fashion And that Minc'd Pies are sinful Meat To Idols vain devoted And Plum-broth a sad Crime to Eat As Learned Friends have Noted They have found out the use of Rings A heathenish Invention That Necklaces are Ominous Things Not fit for Friends to Mention That Learning is a Cheat they 've found ' Cause it detecteth Error Therefore 't is fit to run't a ground For 't is to Friends a Terror That She-friend when at Bull-and-Mouth Appear in Green-Say Apron And look demure and meek forsooth Without a Fringe or Tape on Though when at Home in Richest Silks And Hood set loose she 'd Tempt ye Flanting like one of the Town Jilts And can as soon Content ye That Friends Encrease and Multiply By way of Propagation The better to stock and supply The next Wind-mill Plantation And to maintain the Canting Race From fear of an Expunction Friend may Hold-forth and may Embrace One of the Carnal Function These great Advantages and more Which here I have forgotten Friends have arriv'd to on the Score Of that same Light you wot on These by the World are deem'd to be Such Ear-marks of Distinction That Friend is known as easily As poor Knight knows his Pension As other Puddings though full of Plumbs Of a Quaking-pudding come short all Even so doth Friend where e'er he comes Transcend each other Mortal His prick'd-up-Ears like Almonds blanch'd Stuck thick as they can clutter And words as Sweet as any Manchet With Sugar Sack and Butter And as the May-pole in the Strand Though stripp'd of her Array Surpasses those which in Country stand With all their Garlands Gay For he is a taller
braver Plant And hath stood out many a Shower So Friend though Flutterments he want Makes Fop his Top sails lower Nor is it unto Friends alone Th' Advantage doth arise For half the People in the Town Can see through our Disguise And all by help of that same Light I told thee of long since That a Friend hath now no more benefit by 't Than hath a Son of Ignorance For plainly they the Cheat discern Through all our feigned Dresses And pass their Flouts with Scoff and Scorn At our Midnight Carresses That Friends are mark'd and pointed at By Porters Dray-men Bakers Tinkers and Coblers and what not There 's one of the Wet-Quakers But why 't should be a Sight so rare To see a Friend has Paddled I fansy 't is more common far Than to find Egg that 's Addled Yet Egg is Egg although it smell And be a little Noisom So Friend is Friend and will be still Though he be somewhat Toisom Besides 't is but Friends Outward Man That hath been laid a Soaking And when but little Fire hath been There has been mighty Smoaking So frequently by carnal Ones Friends have like Bulls been Baited When all the while the Inner Man Is uncontaminated Thus I have prov'd Friends have the Light And their Advantage by it And think I 'm so far in the Right That thou canst not deny it If that the Metre do not Chyme In Consort for to please thee Know Friends are not much used to Rhyme And there 's an end John Easie There is no doubt but by this time thee mayst be satisfied that much may be said to the advantage of Friends in Rhyme as well as to the Commendation of other People and since the Heathen Poets have writ great Volumes in Praise of some Men that they have thought deserving it may be a Task not unworthy the Attempt of some brave Pen to oblige the World by some heroick Endeavours singing aloud the Prowess and high Atchievements of Friends CHAP. VIII A further Illustration of Yea-and-Nay Morals by way of Vision THE subsequent Story hath been so strongly Imprinted on my Thoughts whether purely by the force of Imagination or some other Circumstances that it hath obtained sometimes the Credit of a reality However in this place it is like to pass for a Vision It was in the charming Season of the Year when Nature was clothed in all her Fragrances and the tender Blossoms of the cultivated Fields lent their Aromaticks to the wanton Air which toss'd the Spicknard into the neighbouring Roads which gave a powerful Invitation to be on Horse-back that a dear Friend of mine came to my Bed-side acquainting me That he had urgent Business that Term to London and would be glad of my Company For hang it Jack said he why shall we still confine our selves to the Solitudes of a Melancholy Retirement from the Conversation of Mankind I have a little Inclination to divert my self with observing the Modes and Tricks of the Town and to spend some Guineas to see the Scenes of that great Theatre the City The Invitation was as agreable as could be and I immediately complied but we were forced to take Coach to accompany a Lady that was related to my Friend When we came to go into the Coach there happened to be in the Company a pretty ancient Gentleman who was of a singular pleasant Temper and a very good Scholar besides a brisk jocond sort of a Yea-and-Nay Man who seemed to be about Thirty Years of Age of an Air and Garb less starch'd than usual amongst People of his Profession We spent the first day after the manner of Strangers in a kind of reserved Observance of one anothers Humours and Inclinations only the old Gentleman Entertained us with divers Relations of what he had observed in his Travels which were very Pleasant and received great advantage by his manner of delivering them The second day we became more Sociable and took a greater freedom to Discourse by turn of several Matters Pleasant and Divertive upon the Road amongst the rest the Yea-and-Nay Man told us one that seemed somewhat reflective upon his own Profession which gave us occasion to think him not of the number of those streight-lac'd ones who presume none to be honest but those of the Denomination but that he entertained at least a possibility that they might fall under the same Topick with other Men and that they might make use of a knack in their way of dealing not inferiour to some that have been looked on as Sharpers by the rest of the World. The Story was this One day a certain Friend of ours went to Smithfield Market to dispose of a Horse he had which had the misfortune to be blind but so advantageously that he must be a good Jockey that could discern it Many look'd upon the Horse and bid Money for him but came not up to the Price Friend intended to make of him At length a Citizen liked him it may be the rather because he was in a Friends keeping and came so near the Price that Friend thought it no part of Prudence not to put him off notwithstanding the Citizen having tryed the Paces enquired into the Age and liked the Height and Colour of the Horse at length demanded of Friend What faults the Horse had Nay says Friend I know of no Faults that he hath meaning he had but that one so the Citizen paid him down the Money and having received the Horse into his Custody said Truly I see no Fault in him to which Friend replied Neither doth he see any in thee Which the Citizen not minding took in good part and Friend imagined a blind Horse to be suitable for one that was without Light. This Story satisfied the Company much the more coming from the mouth of one of the Fraternity and put my Friend in mind of one he had heard of another kind but of the same sort of People which he related after this manner It happened once on a time that a certain Judge sate upon the Bench at a Country Assize who took the Freedom in the Afternoon to joak and droll upon Mens Names and there happened to be one Indicted for a Murther whose Name was Willman but one of a very odd sort of Aspect whether his Guilt might contribute to it or no it matters not The Judge having heard the Indictment read speaks after this manner to the Prisoner at the Bar Sirrah you are here Indicted for a Murther and your Name is Willman put away W and put to Sp and it is Spill-man put away Sp and put to K and it is Kill-man thou hast an Ill-name and an Ill-look and wilt certainly be hanged One that sate there as a Justice of the Peace who was a Brother of the Yea-and-Nay People apprehending this rhiming sort of Justice to be a singular new method and that which would pass for current in all Cases entered it down in his Pocket Book for a
good Precedent and resolved to steer by it It happened that in a short time after a certain Fellow was Convicted before him for stealing of some Bacon and after the Witness had upon Oath declared their knowledge Oh Oh quoth the Yea-and-Nay Justice you are a dangerous Fellow indeed your name is Willman Sir replied the Fellow your Worship is mistaken my name is Fowler Sirrah Sirrah quoth the Justice that is all one how dare you interrupt Justice I say thy name is Willman and I am sure I have a good Precedent for it put away W But here the Justice was at a loss and could go no further so that taking out his Pocket Book Look you Sirrah quoth the Justice here is your destiny and I am sure it is good Law and then reads on put away W and put to Sp and it is Spill-man put away Sp and put to K and it is Kill-man thou hast an Ill-name and a very Ill-look and wilt certainly be hang'd Clerk make him his Mittimus and send him to Gaol to answer the next Assize and then let the Judge tell him whether it be Law or no. This last Sentence was delivered with great Vehemence because the Prisoner had Interrupted him in his Execution of Justice The Yea-and-Nay Passenger Laughed as heartily as any of the rest at the Ignorance of the Quaking Justice and no debate at all arose about the truth or probability of the Story for all agreed that things very Ridiculous and Absurd might be Imposed upon the Ignorant which was all the use the Company made of it In the Evening the Coach brought us to Coventry where after we had very well Supped together our Friend Traveller was very importunate to take my Kinsman and my self abroad to see the Town which we willingly consented to being weary of two days sitting in a Box. After we had walked for some time and observed what he had a mind to Friend was free to ask us if we would not drink a Glass of Wine before we returned to our Quarters adding He was acquainted at a Tavern where he could Command the best in that Town We willingly accepted the Motion and went to the M where the Claret and Rhenish were very good but that which pleased us most of all was another Friend of our Fellow Travellers whom he had sent for to make up a mess drinking went round very briskly and the Discourse was agreeable to it for Bacchus as soon warms a Yea-and-Nay Man as any other sort of Flesh and Blood. The Old Man had taken such freedom amongst Friends that the Young one began to be Rampant there was a Motion made by Friends to go to a House of Convenience but we prevailed with them to put off that because of the Season of the Night which was pretty late and doubting we might be Indisposed for the Mornings Travel we had a hard tug to over-power the Importunity of Friends upon that account they giving us all imaginable assurances that nothing could be objected either against the Youth and Beauty of the Ladies for so in their Wine they called them nor the Accommodation of the House which they affirmed to be very gentile and such as could not be bettered upon the Road Besides Friend offered to be at all the Expences of the Treat if we would accept of it It cost the other half a dozen Bottles before the heat of this Inclination could be Extinguished at length it was resolved that drinking a Bumper to each Females Health should suffice at that time So discharging the Reckoning we endeavoured to find the way Home to our Lodging about Twelve at Night The Old Gentleman and the Lady I spoke of were taking their repose some hours before All the way home to our Lodging Friend gave us all the Assurances of a most passionate respect and determined when we came to London to give a demonstration of that Kindness he had conceived for us to which we returned all the acknowledgements the Season would permit and we thought proper on that occasion but could by no means prevail to go to our Lodging until every Man had called for his Bottle in our Quarters so uneasie did Friend appear to be that he must leave our Company that Night We were fain to promise him to spend as much of our time with him as our Occasions would permit when we came to London and we resolved to let no Opportunity slip that might give us the truest Prospect of Friend's Morals for that we began now to be convinced somewhat of Flesh and Blood might Inhabit under that seemingly abstemious and mortified Outside and that much of the Goat lay lurking under the Sheeps Skin so that now there wanted nothing but a fit Opportunity for our new Friend to give a thorough Prospect and Detection of his Morals and our seeming compliance with his Inclinations gave him occasion to imagine that our desires were the same and that we favoured those loose Passions with no less Indulgence than himself and that Bait which perhaps was intended to betray us into a discovery of our Resentments gave him the greatest provocation to expose his own or else it might be purely the violence of his Appetite that might hurry him upon those unwary Attempts and that in the presence of Strangers at least he must be supposed to much to credit his own Opinion of our Complexions not regarding that no determination ought to be made of any Man's Inside by the appearance of his exterior Mien and Figure whereof himself was a sufficient Instance It is not to be forgot that going to see the Cathedral of the Diocess which was in that City Friend who was a great Despiser of Ceremonies kept on his Hat in detestation of the Idol Tombs and Monuments and made many Sage and Declamatory Remarks upon those stinking Abominations as he thought fit to call them and entertained them with an Harangue on that Occasion which I think not proper in this place to omit Friends said he I would have ye to consider that our Paganish Forefathers did little think of the ill Consequences they should bring upon their Posterity by Erecting such Places of Worship they were of one Mind when they did it and dream'd not of the Animosity and Contention that should arise amongst their unwary Successors by reason of the Dissentions and Differences in Opinion that should afterwards be fomented and carried on by the Priests attending upon these Places How many sorts of Opinions have been broached and vended from yonder pratling Box which ye call a Pulpit but it might very properly be called a Pull-pit because by the Doctrines taught in many of them People are pulled halled and dragged into the Pit not only the horrid black Pit in the other World but into dark and dismal Pits and Holes even in this Is it not from the Cushion-smiters of that place that Friends are Fulminated Excommunicated Condemn'd and Delivered over to the Devil of the
Book call'd the Academy of Complements where it was usual to bring in the Men bleeding fainting or dying under the Wounds their Cruel Mistresses had given them as if our tender simple Sex said she carried Darts in our Eyes or some secret Venom about us that kill'd and destroy'd people at a distance For my share I cannot apprehend the meaning of such Imputations and unless you inform me shall be at a loss to understand the intent of them This Railery put Friend out of heart to pursue his design that way but fetching a deep sigh said to her I may take some convenient time to satisfie thee as to that matter and so the Discourse and Entertainment ended at that time my Friends Kinswoman having been disappointed of the designed Trick she had merrily intended to put upon him We took our leaves but Friend would by no means part with us until he had obtained a promise of my Kinsman and self to meet him at Eight that night at an appointed Tavern so having fixed upon the Number we parted very well satisfied that our next Meeting would give us some clearer Detection of Friend's Temper and Designs The hour being come we repaired to the Tavern where we found the Number at the Bar and were Conducted into the Room where Friend was just come before us having in his Company two persons that seemed to be Gentlemen one of them about Twenty years of Age the other seemed somewhat less they were both in Garbs very gentiel and handsome and it happened we were not much out in our Calculation concerning them for one of them was of one of the Inns of Court the other Lodged about Pall-mall and much inclined to the practice of Musick in which he had acquired a considerable Excellence Friend made somewhat of an Excuse for having taken Strangers into his Company having before made us an Assignation but withal told us they were Gentlemen of his acquaintance whom he met just in the Street as he was coming into the Tavern We gave him the assurance That any that had the Honour to be of his Acquaintance could not fail of being very welcome to us and that we ought to acknowledge it as an Additional favour that he did us the kindness to admit us into the acquaintance of his Friends We then took half a dozen Glasses round and Friend could not forbear putting the Younger of the two Gentlemen upon a Song particularly one above the rest which Friend said he much admired for one of the wittiest Pieces of Poetry which he had ever heard The young Gentleman in complyance with Friend's desire sung the ensuing Song which I think may be found in A. Brome's Poems SONG TVsh never tell me I 'm too young For loving or too green She stays at least sev'n Years too long That 's wedded at Fourteen Age and Discretion fit Grave Matrons whose Desires and Youths are past Love needs not nor has Wit They in whose Youthful Breasts dwells nought but Frost Can only mourn the Days and Joys they 've lost Lambs bring forth Lambs and Doves bring Doves As soon as they 're begotten Then why should Ladies linger Loves As if not ripe till Rotten 'T is envious Age perswades This tedious Heresie for Men to Wooe Stale Nymphs and Vest al Maids Whilst they in Modesty must answer No Late Love like late Repentance seldom 's true Gray hairs are fitter for the Grave Than for the Bridal Bed What pleasure can a Lover have In a Wither'd Maidenhead Dry Bones and rotten Limbs Turn Hymen's Temple to a Hospital Age all our Beauty dimns Tho' Lands may not till One and twenty fall The Law to Love prescribes no time at all Nature 's Exalted in our time And what our Grandams then Aâ— four and twenty scarce could climb We can arrive at Ten. Youth of it self doth bring us Provocatives within and we do scorn Love-Powders and Eringoes Cupid himself 's a Child and 't will be sworn Lovers like Poets are not made but born The Song ended Friend ask'd our Opinions of it we could not but acknowledge the Words to be very witty and that the Gentleman had expressed very much Art in Singing it but withal we could not but conclude within our selves that Friend was certainly in his Amorous Moods and Tenses and that the time was come that he could no longer suppress his Inclinations but it was pleasant to observe in what sort of Forth they discovered themselves for 't was not one Song nor ten that satisfied the Importunity of Friend's desires though the young Gentleman easily complyed with whatsoever he asked in that kind and not one of the Songs but was well Liquor'd or else some of them were gross enough to have risen upon the stomach of a Bawd. But the fatter they were the better they slipt down till at length Friend was for putting round not only a Glass but a Kiss in memory of his Coy Friend as he called her so that Love was now become so blind it could hardly distinguish Sexes By this it appeared to us that Friend had much of the Neopolitan in his Veins And that as it is said of Diogenes that another Philosopher saw his Pride look through the Raggs of his Garment So might it be said of Friend's Levity that it shewed it self through the formal Cover and disguise of his grave and self-denying Habit. Nor may it be improper in this place to recollect a little how in Clusters the Vanity of weak and unmortified Tempers shew themselves for Friend was not content to expose the folly of his Inclinations on the one hand but he must be discovering the pride of his Mind on the other hand being not able to contain the Ostentation of that splendid Treat which but that day he had entertain'd us withal but must divulge to the two young Gentlemen the Extravagance of his Banquet until they seemed to be Teazed with his unwelcome Repetitions So much doth an ostentatious Affectation and an uncurbed Passion divest a Man of that Esteem which a reserved and tenacious Temper still maintains Now was Friend wholly for making a Night on 't and giving the Body-natural a little relaxation we were for complying with the humour and the two young Gentlemen discovered no Inclination to refuse joining in the design More Wine was called for a piece of Sturgeon and some Anchovies which delicately helped on the Ferment So about one of the Clock in the Morning a Coach took us up at the door and we being all at Friend's disposal rumbled through the Watches until we alighted not far from K bridge where we were received into a very fine House the Rooms modishly furnished and shining with many Lights every thing appeared very gay and Friend told us the Gentlewoman for now he was able to speak that Language was a remote Kinswoman of his That she was a brisk Woman and had several pretty Neices that would be very good Company for us The Bottle of
laudable and gentile and should not have thought my time mis-spent in frequent Entertainments of that kind But now the â—iery Element began to make many of their Brains whirl some then began to discourse of their Hectoring Pranks and Debauches others of Tricks they had play'd in the Custom-house some complain'd they could not make up their Master's Cash others of Suretyships they had been ensnar'd in some again boasting how often they had pass'd the Discipline for the French Disease others dreaded the need they were in of entring into the same Course The noise was so great that there began to be an Universal â—lamour from all parts of the Room which resounded with nothing but Oaths Blasphemies Cheats and Debaucheries enough to have deafned Newgate it self And yet most of those people when abroad pass'd for quite another sort of Animals then what they then appear'd to be Such a Mockage is there in the Excess of Wine This indeed gave a full discovery of the lewd Revels that Friend was a frequenter of Now the Room was become the perfect Emblem of a divided State for the whole Company were divided into little Cabals three or four in a place and as many Glasses as there were People and the Bumpers were constantly driven about till the World began to Circulate But this I will say for Friends They never boggled at their Wine nor scrupled the Ceremony of their Hats but most of their Debates were calm touching Female Assignations or so Amidst all this clamour one of the Company makes up to Friend demanding satisfaction of him for carrying him to a certain House where he had received some damage in his Perquisites and that the Cure had cost him ten Guineas besides danger of Relapses this he insisted upon with great noise and Menaces Friend meekly replied smiling in his Face Thee might'st have stay'd at home if thee had'st not been free to have gone with me and if thee would'st make use of any thing that was to thy prejudice what is that to me If thee findest thy self grieved in my company thee may'st keep out of it But this was so far from allaying the Gentleman's Passion that he was the more enraged and swore bitterly if Friend did not promise him before the Company to give him satisfaction the next Morning that he would immediately run him through My Kinsman and Self interceded on behalf of Friend but were like to be set upon by four or five for our pains one of them who appeared to be the younger of the two that were with him at Aunt 's giving Friend a whole Volly of filthy Names and swearing by no mean Devotions he demanded satisfaction of him for giving him the Italian hug as they were one night in bed together These matters were so plainly made out by many of the Company that there was no good to be done by interposing only we urged the time of the Night and danger of the Watches which I am apt to think some of that Company dreaded as much as a Jilt does a Beadle or a Hempstock This somewhat allay'd the Tumult and a further Debate of those matters was put off until the next Meeting which Friend promised them should be the next day Then an amicable Glass or two passed about and a Reckoning being called my Kinsman and Self threw down our Quota's which was about Five shillings a-piece and excusing our selves that we were Strangers and had far to our Lodgings we took leave of the Company leaving Friend to pay for most of them as no doubt he did When we came home we gave the Lady an account in what Company we had left Friend and how he had been Insulted over by divers of them which made her hold her Sides for Laughter At length said she Cousin what shall I do for a Friend for now I plainly see my spruce Yea-and-Nay-Man hath deserted me and is taken up with Jilts and Boys and in short time I fear he may fall in Love with a Fille as poor Friend Green at Colchester did But for my share I could not but have compassionate thoughts for him and was with great tenderness affected to see a young Man with such a seeming plausible out-side and one that was Courted with all the advantages of Fortune so miserably led Captive by his insatiate and unruly Appetites I was no less astonished amongst that mix'd Company to see Professors of almost all kinds Wallowing and Kennelling in the swinish Debaucheries of a wanton and degenerate Age. What 's that Religion that doth not reclaim Men from such Inhumane Bestialities But amidst my Moralities I was whisper'd in the Ear That no Man yet ever set fire to a Field of Corn because there were some Tares in it And that doubtless there were some Hypocrites and that amongst the best sort of Professors or else the World would be better stock'd with Honesty and Charity than upon the strictest enquiry it appears to be That these were a sort of Agents and Factors that would still be kept on foot by the Prince of the Lower World as long as he hath any thing to do in this And therefore since such were abroad they ought with the more caution and diligence to be resisted These and such-like Considerations not only took me off from my wonted Conversation before I went to bed but from my sleep after until towards the Morning and then my very Dreams were composed of such reflections Oh! the horrid disadvantages of an unhappy Conversation it not only entraps a Man in the inextricable Snares of Debauchery and Poverty but exposes and detects the miserable Captive to the reproach and contempt of the rest of Men. Wretched state of Ductile Youth always inclinable and always open to the Attacques of every violent Temptation forgetful of their Guard and inconsiderate of their Company Happy they that Converse in a lovely Solitude with Groves and Streams free from the disadvantages of humane Conversation which beguiles and entices the unwary upon those unavoidable Precipices And yet were it not for Disguises who would be decoy'd Were all the Promoters of immorality and baseness amongst Men stigmatized in their Foreheads as Friend Naylor once was for his Blasphemies it were to be hoped they would have few or no Followers But whilst Wolves shall put on the Habit of Sheep Vultures that of the Dove and the Hyprocrite haunt ye in all the Habits of Gown Cloak or Jerkin so long there is little hopes that Men will be arm'd with Caution enough to avoid the snare Such like thoughts as these as I said kept me company sleeping or waking until the next time I saw Friend and that was accidentally thus There is no doubt but the consciousness of his guilt and being so notoriously detected as at the late Tavern-muster prevailed with him to keep at a distance from our Lodging where we never saw him afterwards but going one day by a house where I saw a great many green Aprons gray Coats
unto thee what happened unto me about the Seventh Day of the Sixth Month which last passed over us It came to pass that I was at a silent Meeting where were many Friends who were in great pain of mind Yea and their thoughts strugled mightily within them as if they had been ready for the birth But behold not one of us had strength to bring forth our thoughts or as I may speak to Midwife them into words so that in this state we waited there for several hours sometimes folding our Arms groaning and goggling at one the other until at length we parted and every one returned unto his own place And it came to pass that sitting down in one side of my Garden and viewing the little Worms that were laying up their Stores for their Winter-provision suddenly there was a mighty noise within my head much like the rumbling of a violent storm at a little distance and a great weight seemed to rest upon my head which grew heavier and heavier and the noise encreased more and more And I called unto Margaret my Wife and said unto her Woman come thee hither unto me and she hastned and came unto me but when she drew near unto me she cried out saying Who art thou and I answered and said unto her I am Robert thy husband how comes it that thou dost not know me And she said unto me Tarry a little and I will fetch the mirrour out of our Chamber for I am apt to think thee may'st hardly know thy self So she brought with her the Mirrour which was hanged against the Wall of the Chamber and I cast mine Eyes towards it and behold there issued out on the top of my head two branches in the appearance of mighty beams and they waxed higher and higher And I said unto her Woman what hast thou done that my head is thus encumbred And she answered and said unto me Robert what meanest thee by saying so unto me Didst thou ever understand that the wife was the occasion of a Wind-mill's springing up out of her Husband's head And I said unto her How a Wind-mill and she answered and said Yea a Wind-mill And again I cast mine Eyes towards the Mirrour and behold the form of a Wind-mill shewed it self on the top of my head and that which had seemed like two beams appeared now to be the Fans of the Mill and the Mill went round with great noise and it seemed unto me as if a great quantity of Meal which was grinding in the Mill issued forth at my Nose and fell upon the ground And again I called unto Margaret and said unto her Woman get thee a Vessel that may receive the Meal which falleth to the ground and preserve it for the use of the Family But she answered unto me and said Thee art in some Trance or Vision for there appeareth unto me nothing like the Flour of Wheat issuing from thy Nostrils but there is somewhat of a slimy matter as if thee hadst caught Cold in thy head And I said unto her What then is become of the Wind-mill and she said unto me Neither doth any such thing appear unto me but it seemeth wholly to be taken away During all this time I saw many strange and wonderful things There appeared unto me as it were fourteen Parrots and as many Parraquetto's and they sate round in Company together and they altered their appearance and had upon them the resemblance of Friends when Ass-sembled together at Bull-and-Mouth They were silent for a long time at length they began to hold forth all at once which had almost deafned me so that I could no more understand a word they said than if one of our Brethren had been Edifying and notwithstanding they appeared in the Figure of Friends yet they retained the Voices of Parrots In a very short space after they assumed another Figure putting on the resemblance of a Flock of Geese whereof some were white and some gray and the noise of the Gaggle which they made far exceeded the Clatter of the Parrots At length they made towards a great water which appeared unto me as if it had been the Ocean and getting upon the water they swom away in a whole Colony until I could no longer keep them in view I have understood concerning thee that thee art a wise Woman and understandest the Interpretation of Dreams and Visions and likewise thee being one of us who are called Friends I was the more free to set the whole matter before thee and to desire if thee thinkest fit the Interpretation thereof for I have great thoughts of heart concerning this matter Neither may I forget to acquaint thee that though the appearance of the Wind-mill ceaseth yet the rumbling continues with me and I am apt to think will never get out of my head as long as I live Margaret my Wife sendeth Greetings unto thee Fare thee well Thy Will-a-wisp Friend R. Maggotpate From the Wind-mill Place in the Calends of Midsummer-moon Another Witticism whereby it may appear that Friends do not want Talents IT happened that some Persons of Quality had appointed a Dancing-Ball and a certain Friend Dining with them that day it was agreed upon amongst the Women that Friend should be had to the Ball that night whereupon Friend being somewhat inclinable to the wet kind he was prevailed withal to continue with them all the Afternoon and wanted not his share of refreshment of the Creature called Wine so that he began to be flexible as to the point of Complaisance â—â—and when the Coach was ready Friend was prevailed upon to go with them and see the Ball where he was told many pretty Ladies would be present and being come to the place Friend was seated very much to his advantage to observe the Company and the Dances At length a certain Lady having on a Mask came and took Friend by the hand and had privately hinted a Tune to the Musick Friend demanded what she meant by calling him forth declaring that he never understood what a Dance was but the Lady would by no means excuse him and Friend was held fast by the hand and managed by the Lady sometimes following her leading up sometimes falling back till the Room was filled with Laughter Likewise another Two Friends meeting in the Street after staring one the other in the face and passing some half a dozen groans which seemed to presage some evil tidings quoth one of them Dost thee hear that Friend Susanna is fallen and there made a pause to fetch up another groan Alas said the other Is she fallen down Stairs or is she fallen from a Horse or from her Feet Nay verily quoth the other she is fallen with Child Ha! ha replied he Was it by one of us or by one of the wicked To the which the other replying By one of us said he Yea there may be some comfort in that that the Light may spread the farther And thee knowest Lambs will be