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A57030 The second book of the works of Mr. Francis Rabelais, Doctor in Physick treating of the heroick deeds and sayings of the good Pantagruel. Written originally in the French tongue, and now faithfully translated into English. By S.T.U.C.; Pantagruel. Book 2. English. Rabelais, François, ca. 1490-1553?; Urquhart, Thomas, Sir, 1611-1660. 1653 (1653) Wing R108; ESTC R202205 100,489 230

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considering that at the Funeral of King Charles we might have had the fathom in open market for one and two that is deuce ace this I may affirm with a safe conscience upon my oath of wooll And I see ordinarily in all good bagpipes that when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds by swinging a broom three times about a chimney and putting his name upon record they do nothing but bend a Crossebowe backward and winde a horne if perhaps it be too hot and that by making it fast to a rope he was to draw immediately after the sight of the letters the Cowes were restored to him Such another sentence after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth yeare because of the bad government of Louzefougarouse whereunto it may please the Court to have regard I desire to be rightly understood for truly I say not but that in all equity and with an upright conscience those may very well be dispossest who drink holy water as one would do a weavers shuttle whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resigne but on the termes of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another Tun● my Lords quid juris pro minoribus for the common custom of the Salick law is such that the first incendiarie or fire-brand of sedition that flayes the Cow and wipes his nose in a full consort of musick without blowing in the Coble●●titches should in the time of the night-mare sublimate the penury of his member by mosse gathered when people are like to foundre themselvs at the messe at midnight to give the estrapade to these white-wines of Anjou that do the feat of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the Gambetta and that neck to neck after the fashion of Britanie concluding as before with costs damages and interests After that the Lord of Suckfist had ended Pantagruel said to the Lord of Kissebreech My friend have you a minde to make any reply to what is said No my Lord answered Kissebreech for I have spoke all I intended and nothing but the truth therefore put an end for Gods sake to our difference for we are here at great charge CHAP. XIII How Pahtagruel gave judgement upon the difference of the two Lords THen Pantagruel rising up assembled all the Presidents Counsellors and Doctors that were there and said unto them Come now my Masters you have heard vivae vocis or aculo the Controversie that is in question what do you think of it They answered him We have indeed heard it but have not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case and therefore we beseech you un● voce and in courtesie request you that you would give sentence as you think good and ex nunc prout ex tunc we are satisfied with it and do ratifie it with our full consents Well my Masters said Pantagruel seeing you are so pleased I will do it but I do not truly finde the case so difficult as you make it your paragraph Caton the law Frater the law Gallus the law Quinque pedum the law Vinum the law Si Dominus the law Mater the law Mulier bona the law Si quis the law Pomponius the law Fundi the law Emptor the law Praetor the law Venditor and a great many others are farre more intricate in my opinion After he had spoke this he walked a turn or two about the hall plodding very profoundly as one may think for he did groan like an Asse whilest they girth him too hard with the very intensivenesse of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties without varying or accepting of persons Then he returned sate down and began to pronounce sentence as followeth Having seen heard calculated and well considered of the difference between the Lords of Kissebreech and Suckfist the Court saith unto them that in regard of the sudden quaking shivering and hoarinesse of the flickermouse bravely declining from the estival solstice to attempt by private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little unwell for having taken a draught too much through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the beetles that inhabit the Diarodal climate of an hypocritical Ape on horseback bending a Crossebowe backwards The Plaintiffe truly had just cause to calfet or with Ockam to stop the chinks of the gallion which the good woman blew up with winde having one foot shod and the other bare reimbursing and restoring to him low and stiffe in his conscience as many bladder-nuts and wilde pistaches as there is of haire in eighteen Cowes with as much for the embroiderer and so much for that He is likewise declared innocent of the case priviledged from the Knapdardies into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred because he could not jocundly and with fulnesse of freedom untrusse and dung by the decision of a paire of gloves perfumed with the sent of bum-gunshot at the walnut-tree taper as is usual in his countrey of Mirobalois Slacking therefore the top-saile and letting go the boulin with the brazen bullets where with the Mariners did by way of protestation bake in paste-meat great store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse whose hawks bells were made with a puntinaria after the manner of Hungary or Flanders lace and which his brother in law carried in a Panier lying near to three chevrons or bordered gueules whilest he was clean out of heart drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting canvassing and curious examining of the matter in the angulary dog-hole of nastie scoundrels from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popingay with the flap made of a foxtaile But in that he chargeth the Defendant that he was a botcher cheese-eater and trimmer of mans flesh imbalmed which in the arsiversie swagfall tumble was not found true as by the Defendant was very well discussed The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of curds well cemented and closed together shining like pearles and Codpieced after the fashion of the Countrey to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping the caltrops of his throat troubled and impulregafized with gabardines garbeled shufflingly and friends as before without costs and for cause Which sentence being pronounced the two Parties departed both contented with the decree which was a thing almost incredible for it never came to passe since the great rain nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees hereafter that two Parties contradictorily contending in judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence As for the Counsellors other Doctors in the law that were there present they were all so ravished with admiration at the more then humane wisdom of Pantagruel which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate decision
paultry town even then when Master Amitus of Cresseplots was licentiated and had past his degrees in all dullerie and blockishnesse according to this sentence of the Canonists Beati Dunces quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt But that which makes lent to be so high by St. Fiacre of Bry is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost yet on afore there hoe a little rain stills a great winde and we must think so seeing that the Serjeant hath propounded the matter so farre above my reach that the Clerks and Secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers feathered with gaunders so orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do And we do manifestly see that every one acknowledgeth himself to be in the errour wherewith another hath been charged reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspective glasse of these things towards the place in the Chimney where hangeth the signe of the wine of fourty girths which have been alwayes accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt Protectionaries of five yeares respit howsoever at least he that would not let flie the fowle before the Cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not for the memory is often lost with a wayward shooing Well God keep Theobald Mit ain from all danger Then said Pantagruel Hold there Ho my friend soft and faire speak at leisure and soberly without putting your self in choler I understand the case go on Now then my Lord said Kissebreech the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audinos could not cover her selfe with a treacherous backblow ascending by the wounds and passions of the priviledges of the Universitie unlesse by the vertue of a warming-pan she had Angelically fomented every part of her body in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the Painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grashoppers locusts cigals and such like flie-fowles so strange to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay seeing it is so good to hatch Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat whereupon Pantagruel said unto him St by St. Antonies belly doth it become thee to speak without command I sweat here with the extremity of labour and exceeding toile I take to understand the proceeding of your mutual difference and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me peace in the devils name peace thou shalt be permitted to speak thy belly full when this man hath done and no sooner Go on said he to Kissebreech speak calmly and do not over-heat your self with too much haste I perceiving then said Kissebreech that the pragmatical sanction did make no mention of it and that the holy Pope to every one gave liberty to fart at his own ease if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crue the rain-bow being newly sharpned at Milan to bring forth larks gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hipgut-pangs by vertue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes which to tell the truth were at that time very necessary for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots Therefore Iohn Calfe her Cosen gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack very seriously advised her not to put her selfe into the hazard of quagswagging in the Lee to be scowred with a buck of linnen clothes till first she had kindled the paper this counsel she laid hold on because he desired her to take nothing and throw out for Non de ponte vadit qui cum sapientia cadit matters thus standing seeing the Masters of the chamber of Accompts or members of that Committee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almanie whistles whereof were framed those spectacles for Princes which have been lately printed at Antwerp I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the Writ and that the adverse Party is not to be beleeved in sacer verbo dotis for that having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the King I armed my self from toe to top with belly furniture of the soles of good venison-pasties to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high coped-caps to lecher it the better and play at in and in And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the Faire in so farre that many trained bowe-men were cast at the muster and quite rejected although the chimney-tops were high enough according to the proportion of the wind-galls in the legs of horses or of the Malaunders which in the esteem of expert Farriers is no better disease or else the story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub or of a roasted horse savours of Apocrypha and is not an authentick history and by this means there was that yeare great abundance throughout all the countrey of Artois of tawny buzzing beetles to the no small profit of the Gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers when they did eate without disdaining the cocklicranes till their belly was like to crack with it again as for my own part such is my Christian charity towards my neighbours that I could wish from my heart every one had as good a voice it would make us play the better at the tennis and the baloon And truly my Lord to expresse the real truth without dissimulation I cannot but say that those petty subtile devices which are found out in the Etymologizing of patains would descend more easily into the river of Seine to serve for ever at the Millars bridge upon the said water as it was heretofore decreed by the King of the Canarrians according to the sentence or judgement given thereupon which is to be seen in the Registry and Records within the Clerks office of this house And therefore my Lord I do most humbly require that by your Lordship there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable with costs damages and interests Then said Pantagruel My friend is this all you have to say Kissebreech answered Yes my Lord for I have told all the tuautem and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word You then said Pantagruel my Lord of Suckfist say what you will and be brief without omitting neverthelesse any thing that may serve to the purpose CHAP. XII How the Lord of Suckfist pleaded before Pantagruel THen began the Lord Suckfist in manner as followeth My Lord and you my masters if the iniquity of men were as easily seene in categoricall judgement as we can discerne flies in a milk-pot
matters are so abstruse hard and arduous that words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking May it therefore please your Magnificence to be there it shall be at the great Hall of Navarre at seven a clock in the morning When he had spoke these words Pantagruel very honourably said unto him Sir of the graces that God hath bestowed upon me I would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power for whatever comes from him is good and his pleasure is that it should be increased when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial Manna of honest literature in which number because that in this time as I do already very plainly perceive thou holdest the first rank I give thee notice that at all houres thou shalt finde me ready to condescend to every one of thy requests according to my poor ability although I ought rather to learn of thee then thou of me but as thou hast protested we will conferre of these doubts together and will seek out the resolution even unto the bottom of that undrainable Well where Heraclitus sayes the truth lies hidden and I do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast proposed to wit by signes without speaking for by this means thou and I shall understand one another well enough and yet shall be free from this clapping of hands which these blockish Sophisters make when any of the Arguers hath gotten the better of the Argument Now to morrow I will not faile to meet thee at the place and houre that thou hast appointed but let me intreat thee that there be not any strife or uproare between us and that we seek not the honour and applause of men but the truth only to which Thaumast answered The Lord God maintain you in his favour and grace and instead of my thankfulnesse to you poure down his blessings upon you for that your Highnesse and magnificent greatnesse hath not disdained to descend to the grant of the request of my poor basenesse so farewel till to morrow Farewel said Pantagruel Gentlemen you that read this present discourse think not that ever men were more elevated and transported in their thoughts then all this night were both Thaumast and Pantagruel for the said Thaumast said to the Keeper of the house of Cluny where he was lodged that in all his life he had never known himself so dry as he was that night I think said he that Pantagruel held me by the throat Give order I pray you that we may have some drink and see that some fresh water be brought to us to gargle my palat on the other side Pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he could entring into very deep and serious meditations and did nothing all that night but dote upon and turn over the book of Beda de numeris signis Plotius book de inenarrabilibus the book of Proclus de magia the book of Artemidorus 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of Anaxagaras 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Dinatius 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the books of Philistion Hipponax 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and a rabble of others so long that Panurge said unto him My Lord leave all these thoughts and go to bed for I perceive your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them that you may easily fall into some Quotidian Fever with this so excessive thinking and plodding but having first drunk five and twenty o● thirty good draughts retire your self and sleep your fill for in the morning I will argue against and answer my Master the Englishman and if I drive him not ad met am non loqui then call me Knave Yea but said he my friend Panurge he is marvellously learned how wilt thou be able to answer him Very well answered Panurge I pray you talk no more of it but let me alone is any man so learned as the devils are No indeed said Pantagruel without Gods especial grace Yet for all that said Panurge I have argued against them gravelled and blanked them in disputation and laid them so squat upon their tailes that I have made them look like Monkies therefore be assured that to morrow I will make this vain-glorious Englishman to skite vineger before all the world So Panurge spent the night with tipling amongst the Pages and played away all the points of his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point in French called Lavergette Yet when the condescended on time was come he failed not to conduct his Master Pantagruel to the appointed place unto which beleeve me there was neither great nor small in Paris but came thinking with themselves that this devillish Pantagruel who had overthrown and vanquished in dispute all these doting fresh-water Sophisters would now get full payment and be tickled to some purpose for this Englishman is a terrible bustler and horrible coyle keeper we will see who will be Conquerour for he never met with his match before Thus all being assembled Thaumast stayed for them and then when Pantagruel and Panurge came into the Hall all the School-boyes Professors of Arts Senior-Sophisters and Batchelors began to clap their hands as their scurvie custome is But Pantagruel cried out with a loud voice as if it had been the sound of a double canon saying Peace with a devil to you peace by G you rogues if you trouble me here I will cut off the heads of every one of you at which words they remained all daunted and astonished like so many ducks and durst not do so much as cough although they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers withal they grew so dry with this only voice that they laid out their tongues a full half foot beyond their mouthes as if Pantagruel had salted all their throats Then began Panurge to speak saying to the Englishman Sir are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those Propositions you have set down or otherwayes but to learn and know the truth To which answered Thaumast Sir no other thing brought me hither but the great desire I had to learn and to know that of which I have doubted all my life long and have neither found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts which I have proposed and as for disputing contentiously I will not do it for it is too base a thing and therefore leave it to those sottish Sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth but for contradiction only and debate Then said Panurge if I who am but a mean and inconsiderable disciple of my Master my Lord Pantagruel content and satisfie you in all and every thing it were a thing below my said Master wherewith to trouble him therefore is it fitter that he be Chair-man and sit as a Judge and Moderator of our discourse and purpose and give you satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps I shall be wanting to your expectation Truly