said the other for wheresoever the victory falls the Drums are sure to be beaten 411 One asked why B stood before C because said another a man must B before he can C. 412 One asked how long the longest letter in the English Alphabet was it was answered an L long 413 One asked why some Gentlewomen wore Feathers in their Hats it wâ—s answered because they were light-headed 414 One looking upon a foolish booke asked why Finis was not at the end of it another that stood by answered because there was no end of idle bookes 415 A Country fellow looking into a Scriveners shop and seeing nothing in the shop but a deske and a boy sitting at it asked what they sold The boy answered Logger-heads the fellow replyed it seemes you have good custome for them for you have but one left in the shop 416 A drunken fellow comming by a shop asked a Prentice-boy what their signe was hee answered it was a signe he was drunk 417 One asked how it was possible a woman could have a face like a swine it was answered that her father was a great eater of brawne and her mother of swines cheek and that she was begot a little before dinner when they had both a mind of of their victuals 418 One meeting a mad fellow pittifully drunke asked him whither he was going to th' tavern said he no reply'd the other drunkennes is the way to hell and thither you are now going ô said the drunkard I ne're feare that for I 'm so drunke that my legs are not able to carry me so far 419 A Gentlewoman taxing one of her serving-men for telling her a lye was thus answered ô mistresse doe you think I am such a sawcy knave as to offer to lye with you heavens forbid 420 One said a mad cholerick man was no wiser then a horse being asked why answered because he could not bridle himselfe 421 One asking which was the way to the devill meaning the Devill-tavern was answered you must leave the Temple 422 One having taken phisick for being extraordinarily bound told his Physitian he had done him but little good whereupon his Physitian answered that the constitution of mens bodies was much alike to their purses for if the purse was bound the body would ne're be loose 423 One told a fat man that was thought to be an extream wencher that he was given to the flesh ô no said the fat man the flesh is given to me 424 One being asked by a Tailer what place in London was the best for a Tailer to set up in answered in Bread-street 425 One said he wondred at nothing more then that the moon was not lousie because she changed but once in a month 426 One being asked whether a meere proper man was good or no answered yes being asked for what answered nothing 427 One speaking of Copernicus his opinion concerning the motion of the Earth and Sea and the standing still of the heavens awitty fellow over-hearing it said sure Copernicus was in some ship under sayle and neere the shore when he writ that opinion 428 One speaking of himselfe in jest that he was perswaded he did not waigh above a pound why then said another you are an As which is the latin for a pound waight 429 An old rich carrier now dead was us'd when he came into an Inne to be kindly saluted by the Chamberlens with the word welcome whereto he did alwaies use to answer God a mercy my good friend and in the meane while clap his hand upon his mony pouch 430 One asked from whence these strange fashions of cloaks without capes came another answered that the fashion was very far fetcht for it was fetcht from the Cape 431 A cuckold being in company with a poet was desiring him to make a paper of verses on him whereupon the poet told him yes and they should be good ones for he never looked on him but he thought he saw the forked Hill 432 A Courtier riding in his foot-cloth being requested by a poore man to extend his charity asked him what trade he was who answered a beggar a beggar said he how long hath that been a trade he reply'd ever since such as you had good clothes and rid up and downe with a foot-cloth 433 One said a butchers boy was like a woman-slave in Turkey which carried flesh to get his master a living 434 An old man that had us'd spectacles a long time was telling his friend that notwithstanding his spectacles he was not able to read above an houre his friend answered that the reason of it was his spectacles were made of an houre-glasse 435 A Player that was to act Pan the shepheards god as he was entring was observed by reason of the coldnes of the weather to have a dropping nose who when he was told of it answered it was well that you told me for otherwise I had acted a dripping-pan 436 One complementing with a Gentlewoman telling her that if she pleased he would not only be her servant but to doe her a courtesie could be content to part with a peece of his flesh who answer'd she thank'd him very kindly but she never lov'd veale in her life 437 One asked what he was that was a Pander to his owne wife it was answered a pickforke 438 A Herald comming into a gentlemans roome and observing upon the walls a coat of Armes of the Gentlemans which the Gentleman could not justifie took a candle and set it on fire a servant comming in asked him what he did meane who answered no hurt he was but blazing his masters coat 439 A man and his wife being taken on suspition of fellony and bound over the woman appear'd but not the man the Judge asking the cause the woman answered that her husband was so sick he could not come without danger of his life whereupon the Judge reply'd I do beleeve it for if he doe appeare there 's no question but he will be hang'd 440 Two Gentlemen being together in a friends house neere Temple-bar sent to the devilltavern for a pottle of claret which was brought accordingly one of them desir'd it might be burnt ô by no means said the other it must needs be hot enough for it came from the devill 441 One being in the Lent time at a friends house the woman of the house not having wherewith to entertaine him sent her maid to desire the next neighbor to lend her a pound of bacon which the Gentleman overhearing when the bacon came to be set before him said he would eat none being demanded why answered because it was lent 442 A Lawyer pleading before a Judge and not speaking to the purpose the Judge interrupting him bid him hold his peace the Lawyer desir'd the Judge to hear him out whereupon the Judge reply'd he had heard him out all that while 443 A fellow brought before a Judge for stealing a watch the Judge perceiving that he was a little too severely
the other asked what difference there was betwixt a cook and a cuckold the other answered the table 51 One that had the disposing of a great place was sollicited by a stranger for the place the Gentleman that had the disposure of thâ— place asked the stranger whether he had a note under the hand of some eminent person that might testifie his good behaviour who answered no then said the Gentleman I must be excus'd for it is a place of consequence and if I should put a man of no note into it I should be chid 52 One asked why a cuckold was said to weare hornes it was answered because his wife was a beast why reply'd the other should not the wife weare them then it was answered no because the husband was the head 53 A gentleman chid his daughter for wearing a cloth of goldwast coat saying she was a pretty jewell his daughter answered a jewell father never showes better then when it is set in gold 54 A Gentleman who had been called knave by a witty fellow by chance meeting the fellow asked him whether he was a knave or no the fellow answering told him if I should say no I should be very unmannerly with you Sir why unmannerly said the other why then said he I should give a Gentleman the lye which I would be very loth to doe 55 One asked whence thâ— word senecta was derived it was answered that it 's Etiâ—mon was from se and neco and it's Anagram was se necat 56 One whose name was John Wheeler was asked how he writ his name who answered in this manner Foemina quae versa est in vaccam poena dolentis Occipitis bipes littera quarta venit sed pro cognomine semper Est rota sic vaceam stat canis usque latrans Wherein is Hirogliphically expressed John Wheeler 57 One told a ragged fellow that he was rich in rents and asked him whether they were rents of Assize or no who answered that he had one of so big a size that an asse might thrust in his nose 58 A faire Lady being at the Assizes in the Country and seeing the Sheriffe who was a fine young Gallant wait upon the Judge who was an old man was asked whether she would rather marry the Judge or the Sheriffe the Sheriffe said she why so said her friend I love judgment well said she but execution a great deale better 59 One asked why Citizens wives were so affected with wearing of hats it was answered because they did love to be covered 60 One said a fart was a cunning fencer being asked why answered because it aym'd at the heels but would alwaies hit the nose 61 One being asked why younger brothers most commonly were wiser then the eldest brother answered that the father knew better what did belong to the getting of them then of the eldest 62 One disputing that omne leve tendit sursum said it could not hold for a whore tendere deorsum 63 One minding to raile at a fellow that had lost his eares was found railing at the pillory as if it had been the man himselfe but being asked why he did not goe and speake to his face answered to what purpose being that his eares are here 64 One asking a mad fellow what his name was had a box on the eare given him and asking what the cause was was answered that it was a trick of a knave to question a mans good name 65 A gentleman having brought his friend down into his cellar his friend observing there was no place in the cellar whereon to sit asked why there were not seats in the cellar the Gentleman answered I allow every man that comes here to stay and drink as long as he can stand and no longer 66 One whose name was Cornelius being to declame before his Tutor by reason of bashfulnes when he was to begin was not able to speake whereupon said his Tutor diu expectavi Cornelium â—nveni Tacitum 67 One comming to a friends house was made to drink the master of the house minding to complement with his friend said the beere was dead dead said the man it may very well be dead now for it was very weake when I was here last 68 Some Schollers in an University grumbling because another was undeservedly made a master of Arts one of them said it is no great wonder Gentlemen for you know we say omnis creatio fit ex nihilo 69 A Gentleman going to take horse was observed to have but one spur and being asked the reason answered that if he could make one side of the horse goe he made no question but the other side would goe along with it 70 One observing a young fellow to be too talkative said vir sapit qui pauca loquitur who overhearing him answered it is true Sir but in you it is vir loquitur qui pauca sapit 71 An earnest contestation being held betwixt an Engraver and a Sexton whether might be the better man the Engraver told him that he was a far better man for his work was in brasse but the others in dirt whereupon the Sexton answered there was no such difference for said he though you engrave a man never so well yet in the end I shall be desir'd to doe it over againe 72 An executioner erecting a pillory at his owne charges expected a sum of money for every man that should stand in it but being told by the Sheriffe that he might not expect any such thing and that besides there was a man to stand in it and lose his eares the very same day he presently swore if he saw him stand there and not pay him for it he would have him by the eares 73 One said it was the most dangerous thing in the world to commit a secret to a woman being asked why answered that it was impossible they should keepe other peoples secrets close that could never keepe their own 74 Another was of opinion that a womans brest was the only safe place to keep a secret of consequence in because said he there is no wise man will ever looke for it in such an open place 75 A gentleman that had been a traveller being in a place where there was a Gentlewoman that told him she had travell'd as far as he said Lady if this be true you and I may lye together by authority 76 One asking what a cuckold was good for was answered to stand in a great hall to hang cloakes hats and belts on 77 A company of neighbors being together with their wives one of them reporting an untruth was upheld in it by one of the women whereupon the husband of that woman began to chide his wife for lying with another man before his face 78 One seeing his neighbor newly come out of a barbers shop with his beard turn'd up into his nose asked him why he did turne an excrement into his nose the other answered he would rather a thousand times have
it wold shortly be his death and is that the only cause said one of them yes said the Physitian why then said he the saying is true qualis vita finis ita 106 When the Eclipse was last upon the Sun a company of people gazing at it wondred what the Eclipse should be a Gentleman in the company told them that once in three or foure yeeres the Sun did burn dim for want of snuffing and that Phaebus was then snuffing it and that was the cause of the darknes 107 A Black-smith falling into shoomakers company was asked by them what he did there not being of their profession who answered that he was a shoomaker as well as the best of them how said one of them you a shoomaker how many shooes have you made pray the Black-smith answered where you make one pair I make two 108 One was saying that he had alwaies observed that whoremasters were usually the most plausible and faire condition'd men that were when they were in mens company another answering said it was very true for there was no whoremaster but did love an honest man with all his heart but could not endure an honest woman 109 A Chimney-sweeper comming into an Ale-house where was a Gentleman in black the Gentleman minding to jeere him asked when he did wash his face the Chimney-sweeper having a glasse of beere in his hand told him Sir if you werâ— not one of my owne coat I would wash you presently 110 One said that of all cuckolds a Huntsman-cuckold was the most patient for he weares the horn and makes himselfe sport with it 111 A fellow being set in the stocks said he was left in a wood where he could see over and under and through the wood but knew not for his heart how to get out of the wood 112 A Scholler in his disputations said H non est litera another sitting by whose name was Hill said it would goe very ill with his name then 113 One having a sullen wife which much troubled him asked her how she did how quoth she neither sick nor well whereupon he turn'd her out at doores and being examined why said that he was bound to cherish her but either in sicknes or in health 114 A Gentleman observing a poor woman extreamly tired with a paile of graines insomuch that she sunk down under the burden said she was an idle slut because she was too light by all those graines 115 A Gentleman going by water his cloake hung over the boat in the water one passing by in another boat said Sir your cloak burnes he turning about answered therefore I put it into the water 116 A Gentleman having his house uncovered in a windy night and the next morning being in discourse of it said that in all his time he neuer saw the like why did you ever see the wind said another yes marry have I said he pray what is it like said the other it was like said he to have blown down my house 117 A Welch-man being at the Assizes and seeing the prisoners hold up their hands at the bar comming home told one of his acquaintance that he had been at a place where he saw fery good fortune tellers for quoth he doe but hold up her hand and they was tell her presently whether her shall live or dye 118 A Country fellow that had a mighty great beard spying a gentleman of his acquaintance and observing him to passe by and not to take notice of him ran to him and taxed him for unkindnes whereupon the Gentleman excus'd himselfe saying thou stand'st continually behind such a great beard that a man cannot see thee 119 A serving-man wanting money and remembring his cloak was trim'd round with a silver lace rips off the lace turnes it into coin turns the coyne into wine the wine into his guts within a day or two after it hapned the same cloak was stoln whereupon one of his fellows said they were bold theeves that would steal a cloak so well garded he answered the gard was drunke else they could ne're have done it 120 It was demanded why that Latine sentence was true rara est in tenui facundia panno it was answered when a man hath a threed bare coat his wits are a woolgathering 121 A Scholler espying the picture of St. Peter with the keys and another of St. John who is usually done in long haire began to wonder in these words what a prepostorous painter was this what should St. Peter doe with the keyes when St. John carries away the locks 122 A Gentleman meeting a stage player in a sicknes time who had formerly plaid womens parts told him he was growne grave and that he began to have a beard the other answered while the grasse growes the horse did starve meaning because there was then no playing and therefore he did let his beard grow 123 A Scholler in the University being punisht x s came into the buttery and made it x a being asked how he durst doe it replyed it is not orthography post x non scribitur s. 124 A Gentleman having a large hand being at supper with a shoulder of mutton having also with him a witty companion that had plaid very much upon him swore by this hand I will be reveng'd the other replyed that he had sworne a greater oath then if he had sworne by the shoulder of mutton 125 A Gentleman being accus'd for lying with another mans wife denied it saying I never lay with her but I confesse I kist her 126 A Citizen being made cuckold by one of his neighbors brings his action against the party and layes his clausum fregit domum intravit c. the busines comming to a tryall the Jury bring in a verdict for the plantiffe and a mark damage at which the Judge in merriment repli'd here 's an honest man is content to enter himselfe a cuckold upon record and you give him but a mark damages I would you were all so markt and then you would better consider of it 127 A wit out of means meeting an usurer intreated him to lend him five pounds the usurer answered Sir I know you not the other repli'd therefore I ask you for they that know me will not lend me five shillings 128 One told his friend if he would be pleased to goe with him he would bring him to a place where they should have wenches and lobsters by the belly 129 A Bible-Clark in the University being reprov'd by the Head of the house for giving short psalmes next time he was to give out the psalme rises saying sing quicunque vult and so goes out of the chappel 130 A poore country fellow in a black threed-bare sute thought it some pollicy to beg neere an University thinking thereby to be taken for a poore Scholler and on a time using the phrase of pray Sir remember a poor Scholler a Gentleman threw him a shilling and asked him de quo fuit Collegio which he
drinking of a Cup of burnt Claret said he was not able to let it downe another demanded why he answered because it was red hot 345 A poore man that lived in the Suburbs of London being owner of a little field had got together so much mony to buy two little fields more of an acre of ground a piece yet he was said to bee rich because he had purchased More-fields 346 One said roaring Gallants were like Pedlers because some of them did carry their whole estates upon their backes 347 One said that some Taylors were like woodcockes because they lived by their long bils 348 An Oculist is excellent at sleight of hand for if he undertake to cure a blind man he will so doe it that the patient shall see he does it 349 One said it was dangerous to wrong a Physitian because if he once have to doe with a man he will be sure to make him stinke 350 An Inkeeper brag'd he had a bed so large that two hundred Constables had lyen in it at one time meaning two Constables of hundreds 351 A Prison is a good instrument of reformation for it makes many rogues and lewd fellowes staid men 352 One complaining that his Son was a very prodigall and that he would give an hundred pounds to have him reclaimed his neighbour that heard him complaine answered let him bee a French-Tayler for they make no waste 354 One demanded of a wilde young Gentleman the reason why he would sell his land who answered because he hoped to goe to heaven which he could not possibly doe till he forsook earth 354 In the Common-wealth of Fishes are many Officers Herring the King Sword-fish his guard Lobsters are Aldermen Crabs are Constables and poore Iohns the common sort of people 355 An idle unthrift having nothing left to maintaine his humor of good fellowship but his bed sold it for which being reproved by some friends he answered that he could never bee well so long as he kept his bed 357 Coblers may be said to bee good men because they set men upright and are ever employed in mending of soles 358 Two men seeing a handsome Wench but thought to be light passe by in a very poore habit the one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bâ—re the other replyed it was no wonder for she was common 359 A drunken fellow comming home towards Evening found his Wife hard at her spinning shee reprooving him for his ill husbandry and commending her self for her good huswifery he told her that she had no great cause to chide for as shee had been spinning he came home all the way reeling 361 An ignorant drunken Surgeon that killed all men that came under his hands boasted himselfe a better man then the Parson for said he your Cure maintains but your self but my Cures maintaine all the Sextons in the Towne 362 A merry fellow said the Ale-house was the onely place to thrive in for he had knowne many a score made there 363 Musitians may bee said to be the best Philosophers for they will be sure to keepe time 364 A woman that was very imperious over her husband was nick-named by a neighbour and called Mistresse Cap for which she angerly demanded his reason and was answered because she was alwayes above her head 365 Another woman with her riotous humours having undone her husband and he being broken and fled the same neighbour reproving her she bade him not meddle with what did no way belong to him for she had onely broken her owne head 366 A Lady that was painted told a Gentleman shee desired much to have her picture done to the life to which he answered you need not that Madam for you are a picture to the life already 367 A Gentleman whose name was Stone falling off his Horse into a deepe water out of which he got not without some danger his companion laughed at the mischance and being reproved answered that no man but would laugh to see a stone swim 368 A foolish Gentleman deformed likewise in his person was called by one a Monster nay surely said another the Gentleman he is meerly naturall 369 A Country fellow asking which way he might go to Bedlam a Citizen told him the nearest way was to bee madde then said the Country-fellow you horne-mad Citizens may the better direct us that are Country-men 370 A common wench stepping into a boate fell into the water and reaching her hand to be helped out one refus'd it saying she need not feare drowning for for shee was so light shee could never sinke 371 One threatned a fellow to breake his head with a stone I 'le assure you quoth he it is a hard matter to breake my head with a stone 372 A boy seemed much delighted with a Coblers worke commending and admiring his workmanship the Cobler pleased with the boyes admiration asked him if he would be of his trade to which hee answered no for though he loved workmanship he could not endure cobling 373 One hearing a rich Gentleman but ignorant enough discourse somewhat weakly how much land there was holden in capite asked him if his wit was held in in capite to which he answered no the other asked him againe if hee had not some fee-simple held in capite to which he answered yes and that it did descend to him and his heires forever 374 A Physitian demanded money of another for one of his patients that was dead long before he was answered that it was a worke of charity to visit the sicke but if he was so earnest for mony the only way was for him to visit the dead and then he would never want mony more 375 A rich Stationer wish't himselfe a Scholler to whom one answered you are one already being doctus in libris nay said the Stationer I am but dives in libris meaning rich in pounds 376 One boasted himselfe to bee esteem'd a wit saying the world spoke him to be all wit one standing by that knew him very well said is it possible that you are taken to be a wit or one that is all-wit if you be all-wit then your anagram is wit-all 377 A Gentleman hawk'd in anothers ground to which the surly owner shew'd himselfe angry at which the Gentleman spet in his face what is your reason for that said the Farmer I cry you mercy said the Gentleman J gave you warning for I hawk'd before J spet 378 One running hastily with a sticke of fire in his hand to light a fagot another called him rogue which being angry and demanding his reason he answered for that he had a brand in his hand 379 A patient man being domineer'd over by his wife that was flying about his eares desired her not to teare his band for he would gladly weare it if she pleased without cuffs 380 One was saying that lead was the basest of all other mettals it is true said another but yet it is the stoutest for the
JOCABELLA or a Cabinet of Conceites with Poems by RC the Featherd god doth by his mirth betâ—aysâ— the Fatâ—ll hvswifes of olives to play Jocabella OR A Cabinet of Conceits Whereunto are added Epigrams and other Poems by R. C. juvat esse jocundum atque animum latis exhilarare jocis LONDON Printed by R. Hodgkinson for Daniel Frere and are to be sold at the signe of the red Buâ—â— in Little Brittain 1640. To his much respected friend Mr. JOHN WILD Sir BY your favor I am come to make good a promise which in this dedication is partly though weakly performed your sweet respects did embolden mee to make it and now an assurance of your kinde acceptance hath as I may terme it made mee presumptuous to performe it you shall meet here with a bundle of merry conceits which while they were in my selfe were my owne Recreations but are now expos'd at all adventures to bee the mirth of others For the readers part I hope he is gentle and will make a charitable construction of a thing intended only for Recreation and for yours if it may finde a faire entertainment it will make me ambitious if occasion bee to be your servant in some other businesse of a greater consequence In the mean time be pleased good Sir to accept of this as an expression of his love that while he breaths will study to be Your friendly Servant Robert Chamberlain To the Reader GEntle Reader I here present thee with the producements of some vaporing houres purposely intended to promote harmlesses mirth I wish thee as merry in the reading as I and some other of my friends were in speaking of them doe but laugh at them and I am satisfied for to that and no other purpose they were intended Farewell JOCABELLA OR A Cabinet of Conceits 1 ONE asked how it came that Apothecaries were many of them so extreamly rich It was answered they did trade with Simples and after composition sould them in Latine to those that understood it not 2 One asked why Souldiers did love beefe more then any other meate It was answered because it was now and then powder'd 3 One seeing a man that had a holy-day face bid him take heede of comming before a Judge for suspition of murther for said he Thy very face will hang thee it is so bloody 4 One told a red-nos'd-Gentleman that he was a coward all over except his nose being asked why answered his nose was good mettle because is was Copper 5 One asked a citty-Sergeant what spice he loved best who answered Mace 6 A yellow bearded man comming into a barbers shop set himselfe down in a chaire saying sirra come give my carret a turnup 7 One asked whence the word tumult was derived and was answered that it came from tu multùm dormis saepe potas another standing by said it rather came from tú multùm potas rarò dormis 8 A souldier wooing a gentlewoman pleaded that he had undertaken brave things and had been antient twenty yeeres ago the gentlewoman minding to put him off took the advantage of that word would not endure him to speake a word more but told him shee was no antiquary neither durst meddle with things that were antient so long ago 9 A Gentleman wearing one of the new fashioned coates without sleeves or cape was asked what he did meane to weare a petticoat about his shoulders no said the Gentleman it is a little coat why sir replied the other I hope every little coat is a petticoat 10 One told a man that was troubled with rhume that he must forbeare claret wine who answered if he did forbear claret wine he should not live long the other told him again that if he did not it would make him blind 't is no matter said he 't is better the windowes be shut then the whole house fall 11 One said of all trades that of a Butcher was most strange for he got more by dead commodities then any thing else 12 One telling his friend a secret desired him to keepe it close close said he I will be as close as a rich mans dore at dinner time 13 Two Gentlemen peeping through a key-hole into a chaÌ„ber saw somebody at prayers but could not well discerne whether it was a man or woman the one said it was a Gentleman the other said it was rather a Gentlewoman for he did not think any Gentleman would offer it 14 A Gentleman passing the street in a great shower was met by a water-bearer who with his tankerd on his back went close to the wall the Gentleman thrusting him away told him he did not think he would have grudg'd to have born water being he got his living by it 15 A Gentleman wearing a hat like a close-stoole-pan on his head came to a promoter to move a sute to him formerly propounded saying sir if you would doe me this favor you might ease me of a great trouble he answered as his occasions prompted him there 's a thing on your head would ease me of a greater 16 A fellow that had lost a great part of his estate by gaming adventured once to weare an old monmouth cap on his head to see if his chance might be better and so it hapned for he seldome lost if he wore that cap which occasion'd him to call it ever after his cap of maintenance 17 Two Gentlemen passing through Cheap-side one of them taking speciall notice of the golden Crosse said it might very well be accounted one of the wonders of the world the other answered ô by no means sir the crosses of this world are no wonders 18 Two passing through Newgate one of them asked why the women in Newgate did beg singing the other answered that Newgate was a cage only for canary birds 19 One asked whether a horse of an asse were the more worthy creature it was answered a horse ô by no means said he an asse may be a constable of a hundred and so cannot a horse 20 One spit in anothers face which was taken very ill but he that did it excus'd it saying pray sir be not angry if you please I 'le tread it out 21 One said a jest was like a Venice glasse spoil'd if any poyson were in it ô no said another the glasse is spoil'd if poyson be in it because it will instantly breake but a jest was ne're good till it was broken 22 A Poet told a Player that slighted him that although he was now a Gentleman yet he had seen him act a begger 23 A child comming from Schoole his mother call'd him and bid him show her where his lesson was the boy presently turns to it saying here it is mother at peace and quietnes why yet whoreson blockhead said she this was your lesson the last weeke doe you thinke I 'le give my mony for nothing blame him not said his father though he be so long in that lesson for I have been teaching of it to
you this seven yeeres and yet you are not perfect ô sir quoth she that was because I had a foole to my tutor 24 A Gentlewoman walking the streets with eleven silver laces on her petticoat one that stood by with his friend mistaking the number said looke there goes a woman with a jury of laces at her tayle she overhearing him answered sir you are mistaken I have but eleven if your nose were there it would make a full jury 25 A Gentlewoman playing at post and paire with a Gentleman chanced to win a stake with a paire of knaves quoth the Gentleman what are you but a paire no sir quoth she but if you had had them there had been pair-royall 26 A merry fellow taking oares at Westminster desir'd to be landed at Temple staires whither being come and the water being very low they were forc'd to land him in the mud who went away and would not pay them their fare because he bad them land him at Temple staires and they had landed him at Puddle wharfe 27 One said that silence and peace were both necessary and commendable in all games I deny that quoth another for at Tennis 't is necessary to keep a racket 28 One being committed to Newgate upon a Christmas eve told the Justice his dream was come to passe for said he I dreamed I should keep a great house all this Christmas 29 One said that of all men in the world he would not have a glutton to speake for him because he was meale-mouth'd meaning a man whose mouth was good for nothing but his meales 30 A Gentlewoman standing in her Belcony to see and be seen perceiving a fellow gazing at her began to withdraw he cryed out to her saying what does the sun offend you Lady yes said she the sonne of thy mother does 31 One that had had a long time a sore nose was met by a friend and asked how his nose did who answered it had been very ill but now was current the other replyed that to his thinking it was alwayes current for he never saw it but it was running 32 One that was troubled with sore eyes was jeer'd by another for being cleere-eyed who answered they were not so sore but he could see a knave with them the other replied it may be but you must look in a glasse then 33 A Gentleman presenting a complement to his friend desired he would be pleas'd to admit his heart into his service who answered he would if he would first let him see it that he might know his servant from another 34 One said he thought the wind had been a Cryer of a Court for when he made an oyes both men and houses stood uncovered 35 One telling a story of a fearfull dream that he had lately had which was that he had been in Hell and had been there grievously tormented one standing by asked him how he came to awake out of such a fearfull dreame who answered there was such rapping and knocking at Hell-gates by reason of the often comming that he could not sleep any longer 36 One asking why women were so desirous to make them selves show vgly by wearing of black bags was answered that while they did weare hats and feathers which was a fine comely fashion men did then but only love them but they did now weare black bags to make men live in feare of them 37 One said he wondred much being there was Newgate for theeves Bridewell for whores and Bedlam for mad people that there was not some such house provided for fooles another overhearing him said Sir I would faine heare you once motion a thing that were for the common good but you alwayes speake for your selfe which is not well 38 One being asked whether such a man was wise or no answered he was wise with a distinction that was other-wise 39 One being asked what part of speech a whore was answered she was a verb-common and required a dative case and a Roarer was an adverb of swearing which was commonly joyned to that verb. 40 A woman swore she was as chaste as the moon one standing by objected as the moon sweet heart why that is no chastity at all for she hath alwaies a man in the midst of her 41 One speaking of an extraordinary great wind which had done a great deal of hurt wondred from whence it should come or what might be the reason of it was answered that the Spaniards had lately sowen a world of pepper which made the earth so extreamly to break wind 42 One receiving a blow upon his head while he was eating rost beefe said if a peece of beef had not stickt in his throat that blow had kill'd him but that sticking there his soule could find no passage out and so return'd in again 43 One said his knife spoke french because it had no point 44 A serving man comming to be entertainâ—d into a Gentlewomans service was asked by the Gentlewoman what wages he would have who answered three pound a yeere if she pleased the Gentlewoman replied nay if I give wages I will looke you shall please me 45 A Justice of peace threatning a fellow that was brought before him for stealing saying sirra I 'le teach you to steale he repli'd I thank your worship for if I had been well taught I had stolne with more discretion then to have been apprehended by the manour 46 One that had been a great usurer had learned to dye scarlet and was resolved to set up the trade but was diswaded by a frind who told him he would never thrive by it saying he that had lived ill could never dye well 47 A poore Scholler walking London streets in the night who was going to a rich vncle of his to receive a sum of money a boy with a linke asked if he would have a light no said the Scholar I feare no theeves for I am not going to pay but to receive money ô said the boy you cannot find the way thither without a light yes said the Scholar the lightnes of my purse will show me the way thither 48 One seeing a fellow ride along London streets extreamly fast called after him and asked him what play was that day to be playd at the red Bull who stopping his horse told him he was an asse to aske him such a question being it was a question every post could tell him the other cry'd him mercy telling him he took him for a post because he rid so fast 49 A great glutton said he had lost his stomack and could not eat any meat whatsoever one that knew him overhearing him said pray heavens no poor man find it for if he doe it will undoe him 50 A fellow that was conceived to be a cuckold being in a tavern with an old cook and sitting at a table one on the one side of the table and the other on the other side he that was conceived to be the cuckold minding to put a trick upon
an excrement hang in his nose then in his teeth 79 A souldier that had lost one of his armes in the wars came to a Gentlemans dore and desir'd releefe for a poor Gentleman that had lost one of his armes in the wars one standing by told him that he that could not shew armes was no Gentleman 80 One asked whether a woman could lose her maiden-head yet never marry nor think an unchaste thought it was answered yes for her head might be cut off while she was a maid and then her maiden head was gone 81 One that was troubled with a curst wife came to a justice to have his wife bound to the peace the justice told him it were better to bind her to her good behavior because all bonds were void where the condition was impossible 82 One was telling of a purchaser that was jealous and fearfull that he should shortly sustaine a great losse one overhearing answered pish said he there is nothing in the world frights a purchaser but a prophesie of a generall inundation 83 A Schoole-master upon a bitter cold day seeeing one of his Schollers extreamly benu'md asked what was the latin for cold he answered ô sir I have that at my fingers ends 84 A Player acting upon a stage a man kill'd but being troubled with an extream cold as he was lying upon the stage fell a coughing the people laughing he rushed up and ran off the stage saying thus it is for a man to drink in his porridg for then he will be sure to cough in his grave 85 A Gentlewoman sending one of her men to bid certaine persons of greatquality to dinner her man returning told her he had commanded all the Gentlemen to come to dinner out you rascall said she I commanded you to bid them why mistresse quoth he have you been in the imperative so long and doe not yet know that to bid and command is all one 86 A Gentleman living neere Temple-bar sent his man to the Rose-tavern for a pottle of burnt sack his man returning with the sack which was very hot desir'd his master to taste it his master burning his lip asked his man whence it came who answered from the Rose I rather think said he it came from the devill it is so raging hot 87 A precise fellow standing at the Popes-head tavern dore began to raile at the Pope a drawer overhearing desir'd him at that time to forbear the Pope why said he because quoth the drawer he hath at this time a great deale of wine in his head 88 One seeing a fellow at dinner that he did not love wisht every morsell was steept in aqua fortis the fellow not understanding latin asked what the english of it was who was told it was strong water ô said the fellow I knew he did alwaies love me 89 A Gentleman meeting the watch asked his friend that was with him what all those woodcocks did together the watch hearing him apprehended him and carried him before a Magistrate who being asked why he did put that tearm upon the watch answered that he saw so many bils that he took them for a flight of woodcocks 91 A mad prophane fellow being brought into a Court for a witnes the book being layd before him put it back telling them there was ne're an oath in England but he had it without booke 92 A Pirat being taken by the English fleet and kept in chains a month at the last made an escape and landing in a place where he had some friends was asked where he had spent his time all that while and extreamly chid for following that course of piracy he swore there was no such matter for he had all that time been a prisoner in the fleet 93 A couple of gentlemen crossing the Thames from Temple staires into Southwark a great storm rose upon a suddain insomuch that the water flasht over into the boat but being landed one of the Gentlemen swore he began to stink for feare no marvell said the other for the boat hath bepist it selfe for feare 94 A waggish Gentleman asked a woman whether she was a maid or no she told him yes take heed of lying said he for it is lost with lying whereupon she answered no. 95 A woman desiring money of her husband was told by him that she should not get a penny from him without law whereupon she reply'd she would aske him no more and for recovering of it by law she would sue his purse to an execution and he should never know it 96 A country fellow seeing a mathematician taking the height of a star with his Jacobs staffe and observing a supposed star to fall swore the mathematician had kill'd the star for he saw it fall 97 A fellow that could not endure onions being sentenc'd to be hang'd desir'd the Judge that he might be hangd in a rope of onions being demanded why answered then the devill would not come neere him 98 A whore complaining that she had an extream cold in her head and that she had got it by taking a cold in her feet was told that she was like the yeere in one of the temperate zones cold at both ends and horn the middle 99 A Gentleman wearing a fancy in his hat wherein there was green and yellow ribbon was asked whose colors he wore he answered his mistresses why then said another it seems your mistresse is troubled both with the green sicknes and yellow jaundies 100 A Constable being drunke fell in the street and there lay not able to rise but observing people to laugh at him charged them in the Kings name to ayde him whereupon two or three mad fellows took him up and at the command of a Justice put him in the stocks the Constable when he was in the stocks not knowing where he was swore if they had not ayded him he would have set them all by the heeles 101 Two Gentlemen riding by Tyburn-gallowes said one of them methinks the gallowes looks somewhat poorly I think it is long since there was an execution alas said the other there is no hope that it can thrive it hath so many hangers on 102 One said that of all prisons in the world if he must needs goe to one he would choose to goe to Ludgate because none came there but they had their freedome 103 A gentleman whose sirname was Bridgman being born in London being asked what Country-man he was answered of no Country at all he was a London-Bridg-man 104 One whose sir-name was Ellâ—t being buried his executor â—â—nt for the Sexton and asked him what he was to have for making the grave five shillings said the Sexton how said the executor five shillings there 's ne're a Tailer in the Town but would have made an Ellet hole for a penny 105 An old usurer being extreamly sick sent for a Physition who upon the view of his urine told his friends there was little hope of life for his ljver was so ill
understood not whereupon the gentleman asked him didst thou not tel me thou wast a Scholler Sir I told you I was a poore one 131 A Gentleman being at supper where amongst other company there was a lasse newly married which formerly had an ill report meane time a health going about in a soder'd glasse the Gentleman when the glasse came to his hand took an occasion to say though this glasse be mended yet the blemish remaines the lasse taking exceptions said Sir I think it is as sound as your selfe whereupon he answered cry you mercy mistresse it was but a letter mistaken 132 A Gentleman comming into a friends house was brought up into a faire large dining room his dog comming up with him hapned to foule the room which when the mistresse of the house espied she was very angry and told the Gentleman he should have brought him up better the Gentleman repli'd he brought him up well enough if he could but have behav'd himselfe well while he was up 133 One bidding his cobler to put him some nailes in his shooes that they might last the longer ô by no meanes said the cobler if you will have your shooes to last your life never put nailes in them 413 One asked who was the first noted rich man it was answered Abraham another repli'd and that I think is the reason why many rich men have been Abrahams ever since 135 One seeing a man that had his beard beginning to come under his chin said it was like a demicaster because it was rough under 136 One that had stole a watch was pursued by the Constables who escaping them was afterward met by the owner and taken with the watch in his pocket whereupon he said that he had very ill luck to escape the Constables and be taken with the watch 137 A gentlewoman seeing a man have a red face said his face was disparkt because there was no pale in it the man answered though there was no pale yet there was a great deele of red deere in it meaning deare red 138 One seeing a man have a red nose said Sir your eyes are not matches I know they are not said he for if they were my nose had set them on fire by this time 139 One asked why men did use now adayes to weare holland bands and cambrick boot-hose tops it was answered it was a fashion brought from the Antipodes and none but Antipodian Gentlemen did use it 130 One asked why whores were said to be light it was answered that many hands made light worke 141 A Gentleman complained to one of his neighbors that his maid was begot with child by one of his serving-men whereupon his neighbor asked him whether he himselfe was not a little guilty of it who answered he did not know of it but was asleep in his bed when it was done the other reply'd it seems you did wink at the fact which was as bad as if you had done it your selfe 142 One asked a Gentlewoman why she so much delighted to ride with Gentlemen in a coach who answered because she did love to be shaken 143 One said he was very sorry such a venison pasty was eaten and said that he could find in his heart to write an epitaph upon it another answered he must then put up his epitaph in the house of office for there it was buried 144 One said to his friend take not tobacco in that pipe for it is foule foule said his friend it is dead then for otherwise it would fly away 145 One asked how old another was he answered three and threescore and why not threescore and three said he he answered because I was three before I was threescore 146 Two conspired together whereof one was a Gold-smith to steal a silver-bole intending to share the businesse betwixt them which when they had stolne he that was the Goldsmith because it should not be known did gild it over it was sentenced when the matter came to scanning though the other stole it yet the gilt of the fact lay upon the Gold-smith 147 One comming by a Sexton who was making a grave for one Button which was a great tal fellow asked him for whom that extraordinary long grave was he answered he had made many longer then that and said it was but a button-hole in respect of some graves that he had made 148 One said a barber was an active man for if he did once take out his wooden combe he would box a man about the eares and the man scarce feel it 149 One said a cook of all men had the worst digestion for as soone as he had eaten his meat he would be sure to spit his meat up againe 150 A great tall fellow whose name was Way lay along the street drunk one went over him and being asked why he did so he answered he did but goe along the high-way 151 A Gentleman that was us'd to send his letters by a foot-post that was an old flegmatick rotten fellow complained that he suffered much prejudice because his letters came too late to his friends hands another standing by told him it was his owne fault because he did send them by a rotten post 152 One was saying he wondred why the people in Aethiopia did not write straight along as we Northern people one answered they writ under the line and that was the reason of it 153 A Dyer who was an idle drunken fellow was complaining to a Scholler that he had very ill fortune in his busines and that commonly those things that he undertooke to dye were spoiled the Scholler told him that the only way to have this amended was to reform himselfe for he that lived ill could never dye well 54 One whose name was Church was telling some of his neighbors that his wife was with child and that he never in his life saw any woman so big before besides told them that he feared she would dye on child-bed whereupon one of them comforted him saying that there was no cause to feare her death and for her bignes that was no wonder in regard she had a Church in her belly 155 A certain man was mightily affected with a woman whose name was Wall which did use painting very much his friends did disswade him from comming neer her telling him they did wonder he was so besotted to set his affections upon a painted wall 157 One whose name was Milld being in a tavern tooke out a new coyn'd sixpence who observing the company to take notice of the brightnes of the peece told them it was a milld sixpence 158 One asked what the reason was that some women were so light heel'd now adayes it was answered because they did weare cork-heel'd shooes 159 One having a Play-book called the Wits which he much valued by chance lost it but while he was chafing and swearing about the losse of his book in comes one of his friends who asking the cause of his distemper it was answered that
he had lost his wits 160 One stood to prove that a Brewers horse was a tapster because he did draw beere another answered him it could not be because though a brewers horse if he were overladen would froth yet he could not nick 161 One reading of a Curranto said he wondred that men did so affect to lye in paper and yet without sheets 162 One asked what herb that was that cured all diseases it was answered Time 163 One being about to write the superscription of a letter to his mistresse asked a Scholler what termes were best to give her who told him the Venus lasse of his affections was a good word he mistaking writ to the Venice glasse of his affections which was a truer title then he was aware of 164 An Upholster was chiding his apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work and had not his nailes and hammar in readines when he should use them telling him that when he was an apprentice he was taught to have his nailes at his fingers ends 165 One whose name was Rapier being a man of a grave calling yet using to weare a white suit was chid for not getting a black scabbard to his rapier 166 One asked what that young man deserved that did love alwaies to be in a Play-house it was answered a box 167 One being at a friends house in the night was perswaded to stay all night but denied saying he would be gone because it was moon-light his friend told him he thought he had not been so lunatique as to love to walke in the moon-light 168 One wondred why there were so many pickpockets about the streets notwithstanding a watch was at every corner it was answered that was all one for a pick-pocket would as gladly meet with a watch as any thing else 169 Certain Gossips discoursing of the company their husbands kept troth sayes one my husband is no sooner out of dores but he has as many about him as there is to see the great beast with two paire of horns 170 A company of Country fellows disputing of learning and what a crooked hard and intricat thing it was to be a good Scholler truly saies one and so it is for I have heard your best laten is in crooked lane 171 A young lascivious Gallant wanting mony could not with his credit sell any thing yet his father being but lately dead at length was checkt by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life and withall told that he had base and beastly associats that did draw him to ill houses he taking this oportunity answered truly friends your counsell is very good I will presently goe sell my coach and horses 172 A steward being set on by a theefe who commanded him to deâ—iver he being a receiver the steward repli'd I hope you will spare me I being a receiver also you shall be said the theef if you deliver not the sooner 173 One sitting at dinner where great store of rude mirth was discoursed and laught at a pratling youth clapt him on the shoulder and asked him if he was making verse he was so mute who reply'd he was speake them quoth he no reply'd the other why you cannot speake them in better company I suppose so quoth the modest man but two fooles at once will be too troublesome 174 A Gentleman going along the street was entreated by a poor cripple that had wooden legges to bestow his charity to whom the Gentleman answered if he would make a hansome legge he should have a couple of farthings 175 A company of Gentlemen comming into a tavern whose signe was the Moon called for a quart of sack the drawer told them they had none whereat the Gentlemen wondring were told by the drawer that the man in the Moon alwayes drunk claret 176 One that was skil'd in writing short hand promised a Lawyers Clarke to teach him his skill who thanked him for his paines but told him they could not live by making short hand of any thing 177 One said a Civit-cat was a dainty thing to keep in a house because her dung was sweet another said it was true but yet it was more profitable to keep a cook especially in a deare yeere because he spitted rost 178 A woman having married an old man whose name was Edward whom she thought had been very rich but not worth a penny being asked what she had by her marriage answered an old Edward 179 A Gentleman comming in the night to visit an old man who had a hansome wench to his wife and suspected to be a little too light was entreated by the old man to walke into a room his wife having a candle in her hand entreated the Gentleman to follow her who told her he would have her husband because he was an old man to follow the light 180 Two Gentlemen were in a deep dispute whether the man in the Moon was a Gentleman or a Cittizen it was determined by a Scholler that when she was at full there was a Gentleman in her but when she appeared like a horn there was a Cittizen in her 181 A Gentleman in wants was advised by his friend to serve a Noble-man that so he might raise his fortune that was said he to refuse a lesser poverty for a greater for although I am poore yet I have my self there I shall not 182 A Book-binder disappointing a Scholler of his bookes which he had to bind for him the Scholler being angry call'd him idle knave the Binder not long after brought home his books and having received his money for them desired to know of the Scholler why he call'd him knave the other day to deale plainly with thee said the Scholler because I would not flatter thee why Sir doe you thinke so said the Binder yes faith repli'd the Sholler then I waigh not your words much quoth the Binder since children and fooles speak what they thinke I but they are knaves said the Scholler that speake against knowledge indeed Sir I tooke you for one of them and so went his way 183 One said Tailers and Button-makers were happy for they might get their livings and yet sit still 184 One that married a Candlemakers widdow that was supposed to be a little too light was asked why he married her he answered because he loved light 185 One said Tobacco-shops of all orher places were the most dangerous to come into because there were none ever frequented them but he smoakt for it 186 One whose name was Pippin being in a green suit chanced on a Christmas day to meet his friend who told him it was a rare thing to see a green pippin on Christmas day 187 One said Glovers in the Country got their livings most by cutting purses and yet they were never punished for it 188 A pretty wench but lately come out of the Country in her pouledavis and linsi-woolsy petticoats living in the strand was seene not long after in her silkes and sattins
and being by one of her Country-women demanded how such might be purchased faith answer'd she only for the taking up 189 A Cittixen going out of towne with some of his neighbors to hunt pre-thee sweet-heart sayes he to his wife pray that I meet not a Diana and so come home like to Actaeon horn'd or be torne to peeces with the dogs his wife thinking he had closely jeer'd her and thinking to be revenged said truly husband whether you meet Diana or no I 'le take order you shall not want 190 Certain Gallants being at a Taverne where they spar'd no liquor insomuch that all were well entred but one whose stomack was somewhat weaker and therefore lighter did nothing but spew and calling for a reckoning why sayes one of his friends cannot you tell that have so often cast up what you have drunke 191 A Gentleman meeting of a married Souldier newly come from the wars demanded what charge he underwent the Souldier replyed a Captaines truly answered the Gentleman then you may helpe your wife to an Ancients place for she can beare stoutly 192 A fellow going downe Ludgate Hill his heeles by chance slipping from him fell upon his breech one standing by told him that London-stones were stout and scornfull it may be so quoth he yet I made them to kisse my breech as stout as they were 193 A Coward told his friend that one gave him a box on the eare and he did not strike him again but turn'd the other also to him to which his friend answered sure there was a great fight betwixt you when blows were given on both sides 194 One asked why Prentices were so briefe with their clubs when Gentlemen were falling out or quarreling in the streets one replyed it was their opportunity to be revenged on them for medling with their mistresses 195 One asked a Gentlewoman in which part of the house she did use to lye it was answer'd that she lay backwards and did let out her fore-roomes 196 A shoo-maker sent his man unto a Gentleman who had owed him money a long time for bootes and shooes that had formerly been made for him the servant comming to the Gentleman told him his master would entreat him to send that little money which was due to him as aforesaid whereat the Gentleman rather willing to cavell then pay in a great rage answered Thou rogue what doth thy master thinke I am running away that he sends after me for such a triflle as this is no Sir replyed the servant my master doth not thinke you are about to run away but he is and that makes him so earnest with you and others that he might take his money along with him 197 A hang-man being sued in a Court and perceiving the busines was like to goe against him desir'd the Court to be mercifull because he was a poor man the Atturny that was on the other side told the Court that there was no cause for him to plead poverty being he was a man that had money at use and that besides his place was worth forty pound a yeere whereto the hang-man repli'd it was not true for said he you shall have it for twenty 198 A stammering fellow being brought before a Justice for some misdemeanour was telling the Justice of one that had abusd him saying that he was as arrant a knave as his worship ever knew whereupon the Justice offended with the stammering fellow asked what trade he was who answered a joiner whereupon the Justice reply'd pray joine your words a little better together or I 'le set you by the heeles 199 One being at a supper where he was promised a venison pasty which proved a mutton one said this venison this is wise venison whereupon said his friend no it is but venison wise 200 One being asked whether prose or verse was the best kind of writing answered prose next verse which may be taken two wayes that is prose next to verse or prose and next to that verse 201 An idle Justice of Peace is like the picture of Saint George upon a signe-post with his sword drawne to no purpose 202 Hee that speakes great Gunpowder words may be compared to a deepe mouth'd Dogge or bee said to have a tympany in his tongue 203 A Souldier said he had beene in so many battels and had been so battered with bullets that he swore he thought he had a mine of lead in his belly 204 Lovers oathes are like mariners prayers when once the heate is over they are not the same men 205 Women are like dead bodies for Surgeons to worke upon because they tell a man his imperfections 206 Musitians may bee compared unto Cameleons because they live by ayre 207 One said it was a difficult thing to perswade a multitude especially in a City where they are for the most part strong headed to any reason 208 One was called foole for asking what Country man a Plough man was because it is knowne said one they were all borne in Hungary 209 One asked a man whether he had swallowed a Doctor of Physickes bill because he spoke such hard words 210 The Philosophers stone had need turne all mettals to Gold because the study of it turnes all a mans gold to other mettall 211 One asked a Poet where his wits were he answered a wool-gathering the other replyed there was no people had more need of it 212 One asked whence choller was descended one answered that she was the daughter of a great mans Porter begot of a Kitchin wench in the time of a Feast 213 One asked another why hee loved woodcoke so extreamly the other answered why not I as well as you for I am sure you never goe abroad but you carry one under your cloake 214 One asked why a Knight tooke place of a Gentleman it was answered because they were Knights now a days before they were Gentlemen 215 One said the Midwives trade of all trades was most commendable because they lived not by the hurts of other men as Surgeons doe nor by the falling out of friends as Lawyers doe but by the agreement betwixt party and party 216 One said a good Client was like a study gowne that sits in the cold himselfe to keepe his Lawyer warme 217 One said the fees of a Pander and a puny clarke are much alike for the pander had but two pence next Morning for making the bed and that was a peny a sheet 218 A woman was commending a boyes face pish quoth another give me a mans face a boyes face is not worth a haire 219 One compared a domineering fellow to a walking Spurre that keepes a great jingling noise but never pricks 220 One said it was unfit a glasier should be a Constable because he was a common quarreller 221 One said hee had received a shee-letter because saith hee it hath a young one in the belly of it 222 One asked the reason why Lawyers Clearks writ such wide lines another answered it was
on the way would needs turne back to kisse his wife that was behind him he was therefore commended for a kind husband in regard hee was before to kisse his wife behind 264 One asked whether such a man were twise or no it was answered that he was otherwise 265 One perswaded a Scholler that was much given to going abroad that he would put away his cushion and it would bee a meanes to make him sit harder to his study 266 One said poetry and plaine dealing were a couple of hansome wenches another answered yes but hee that weds himselfe to either of them shall dye a begger 267 One said hee had heard the story of St. George how he kil'd the Draggon that would else have devoured the maid a did wonder that men would devise such lyes for saith hee it is held by most men that there was never such a man as St. George nor ever such a creature as a Draggon another answers for Saint George 't is no great matter neither for the Draggon whether there were sueh or no pray heaven there be a maid and then it is no matter 268 A Scholler and a Courtier meeting in the street seemed to contest for the wall sayes the Courtier I doe not use to give every coxcombe the wall the Scholler answered but I doe sir and so passed by him 269 One asked the reason why women were so crooked and perverse in their conditions another answered because the first woman was made of a crooked thing 270 A rich Lawyer that had got a great estate by the Law upon his death bed was desirous to give twenty pound per annum to the House of Beallam being demanded why he would give it to that House rather then another he answered that he had got it of mad men and to them he would give it againe 271 One said Women were like quicke Sands seemed sirme but if a man came upon them he fell in over head and shoulders 272 Another said a Woman was like a piece of old Grogram alwayes fretting 273 One asked why men should thinke there was a world in the Moone It was answered because they were lunatique 274 One asked why Ladies called their husbands Master such a one and master such a one and not by their Titles of Knighthood as Sir Thomas Sir Richard Sir William c. It was answered that though others called them by their right titles as Sir William Sir Thomas c. yet it was fit their Wives should master them 275 One asked what was the first commodity a yong shopkeeper put off it was answered his honestie 276 One asked why Icarus would undertake to flye in the ayre it was answered because he was a Buzzard 277 Two Gentlemen talking in Latin in the presence of a woman she grew Jealous that they spake of her and desired them to speake English that she might answer them for she said she was perswaded when men spake Latin although they spake but two words that still one of them was nought whereupon one of the Gentlemen said presently Bonae Mulier she replyed I know Bona is good but I 'le warrant ye the other word meanes something that 's nought 278 A simple fellow being too bold with one that was his superior was told he might say what he would for that day because it was Innocents day it being so indeed 279 One said a Barber had need be honest and trusty because whosoever employed him though it was but for a haire matter he put his life into his hands 280 A suit in Law being referred to a Gentleman the plaintiffe who had the equity of the cause on his side presâ—â—ed him with a new Coach the Defendant with a couple of Horses he liking the Horses better then the Coach gave sentence on the Defendants side the Plaintiffe cals to him and asketh him how it came to passe the Coach went out of the right way he answers that he could not help it for the horses had drawne it so 281 One perswaded his friend to marry a little woman because of evils the least was to be chosen 282 One asked how it came to passe that Hosts had usually red Noses it was answered that it was given to them by nature to show to the world an experiment of the vertue of what he sold 283 A vaine-glorious man was bragging that his Father and his Uncle had founded such an Hospitall one answered 't is true but yet know that your Father and your Uncle were the meere confounders of that Hospitall you speake of 284 One said a Tooth drawer was a kind of an unconscionable trade because his Trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living 285 One asked why he that drew Beere was not called a drawer aswell as he that drew Wine it was answered that Beere made a man to pisse but it was Wine made him draw 286 One said he wondred that Lether was not dearer then any other thing being demanded a reason because saith he it is more stood upon then any other thing in the world 287 One said a Hangman had a contemplative profession because he never was at worke but he was put in mind of his owne end 288 One called another Rogue he answered durst I trust thee with a looking glasse you would quit me and condemne your selfe 289 A fellow that had no money in his pocket was in a great rage with another who told him pray Sir doe not put your selfe into too much heat unlesse you had more money in your pocket whereby to quench it 290 One being asked what Countryman he was he answered a Middlesex man the other told him being he was neither of the Male sex nor of the Female sex but of a Middlesex he must then be a Hermaphrodit 291 One said Corne was a quarrelsome creature because it rose by the blade and fell by the ears with those that cut it 292 Why doe Ladies so affect slender wastes said one 't is replyed another because their expences may not be too great 293 One commending a Tayler for his dexterity in his profession another standing by ratified his opinion saying Tailors had their businesse at their fingers ends 294 One being demanded the reason why he thought the greatest drinkers quickest of apprehension made this answer Qui super naculum bibit ad unguem sapit 295 A Poet sayes one is a man of great priviledge because if hee transgresse it is by a rule viz. Licentiâ poeticâ 296 The severest stoicks said one are the greatest Students because their contracted browes are alwayes bent to study 297 Colliers and Mine-workers should be well acquainted with all the Philosophicall secrets of the Earth because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others 298 Tapsters said one should be men of esteem because they are men not onely of a high calling but also of great reckoning 299 'T is impossible that Saylers should be rich men because