been in Heaven long since In Heaven quoth he it is the first time that I have heard of it and I am sorry for it with all my heart How Mr. Peters reproved Oliver Cromwell for sleeping in the Church while he was Preaching It being his turn to preach before the some time Protector at the Chappel in White hall much about the time that his present Majesty was marching towards Worcester he espied that the Devil had shut the casements of his Highnesse his eyes and lulled him a sleep whereupon varying from his discourse in hand quoth he we have now an enemy in this our land a Potent one and it is not unknown I suppose to any here that he dayly approches nearer us but 't is no matter I preach but in vain while my Auditory sleeps I hope he will come and take you napping How Mr. Peters divided his Text at St. Albons Mr. Peters being another time to preach at Saint Albons to that end ascends the Pulpit where after he had prayed he takes his Text out of Saint Markes Gospel chapter 5. verse 23. wherein are these words The unclean spirits entred into the swine and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea and were choked From which words he gathered these 3. Observavations taken from so many English Proverbs 1. That the Devil will rather play at small game then fit out 2. That they must needs goe whom the Devill drives 3. That at last he brought his Hogges to a faire market How Mr. Peters and his Neighbour discoursed of the wind Being at his own House in the Country when a great Tempest of wind rose he takes an occasion to visit a Neighbour by him and being somewhat merily disposed Quoth he Oh Neighbour did you not see what a wind there was the other day No said his Neighbour How should I see it Why quoth M. Peters with thy eyes as I did Pray tell me then said his Neighbour if you saw it what was it like Like quoth he it was like to have blown my house down How Mr. Peters enveighed against the pride of the English Nation The same man enveighing violently against the pride of this Nation brake passionately into this Expression Pride is the worm that consumes the best Fruit in this our Terrestial Paradice For behold the Merchants wife in her Sattins the Citizens in her Silkes and the Chamber maid many come up she must glister in her silver Lace on the upper coat half a Dozen at least on the next coat few lesse Noy their very Smocks must be laced forsooth Take up that and there sits Puss in her Majestie How Mr. Peters jested on his horse Mr. Peters being in a chamber with a Friend and looking out at the window saw one riding on a horse in the street Do you said he see yonder horse Yea quoth the other then Replies he you may swear you have seen the best horse in England How know you that said his Friend I know it well said he for it is my horse and I am sure he is the best and yet I dare swear I have one in my stable worth ten of him How Mr. Peters examined a country Lad and the jests that happened at that time An unhappy boy that kept his Fathers sheep in the country did use to carry a pair of Cards in his pocket and with the same meeting with companions played at one and thirtie a Game so called at which sport he would some dayes loose a sheep or two for which his Father corrected him in revenge whereof the boy would drive the sheep home at night over a narrow bridge where some of them falling into the water were drowned The old man wearied with his sons ungracious trick had him before Mr. Peters he being a man busie and having some Authoritie in those parts where he lived Mr. Peters begins to reprove the boy in these words Sirrah you are a notable Villain you play at Cards and lose your Fathers sheep at one and thirtie The boy using small reverence and lesse manners Replyed it was a lie A lie quoth Mr. Peters you sawcie Knave do you give me the lie No quoth the boy but you told a lie for I never lost sheep at one and thirtie for when my game was one and thirtie I alwayes won indeed said Mr. Peters thou saiest true But I have another accusation against thee which is that you drive your Fathers sheep over a narrow bridge where some of them are often times drowned That 's a lie too quoth the boy for those that goe over the bridge are well enuogh it is onely such as fall besides that are drowned which Mr. Peters acknowledged for a truth and bēing well pleased with these clownish answers gave him a short advice and then dismissed him How Mr. Peters and several Justices of the peace sate two dayes about brewing small Beer Certain Justices of the Peace with whom M. Peters was then accompanied being informed of the frequent sin of Drunkennesse within their Jurisdictions met at a Market Town and sate two dayes to reform it wher eupon they commanded that from thenceforth smaller drink should be brewed at which Order a mad Tos-pot grieved and having made himself half drunk without fear or wit came to the Justices and asked them if they had sat two dayes about brewing of small Beer One of them answered yes why then quoth he I pray sit three more to know who shall drink it for I will none of it How Mr. Peters adviseth a Traveller to be accomplished A Friend of Mr. Peters being in discourse with him took an occasion to ask him this question when was the fittest time to journey Quoth he when you have a good horse mony in the purse and good company How Mr. Peters served the Parson of a hot Constitution Mr. Peters having desired a country Parson and Friend of his to give him a Sermon the Parson consented but Mr. Peters being in a merry vain resolved to make a jest though he spoyled a Text For hearing that the Parson was of so hot a constitution that he would oftentimes preach in the Pulpit with his breeches down he caused a Turf of an Ants hill to be laid on the Pulpit bench The Parson seeing the Turf was well pleased supposing it was laid there onely as strowings to adorn his seat So his breeches being down he sits a while and when the Psalme was concluded he rises to his Prayer all which time the Ants were very civil till he had proceeded a good way but then a War began insomuch that by their biting and his scratching some drops of blood was spilt upon the place which caused him to break forth into these words The Word of God and making a full stop quoth he good people the word of God is in my mouth but I think the Devil is in my tail How Mr. Peters gave his opinion concerning hristendome It was an usual saying of Mr. Peters
HUGH PETERS THE Tales and Jests Of Mr. HUGH PETERS Collected into one Volume Published by one that hath formerly been conversant with the Author in his life time And dedicated to Mr. JOHN GOODWIN and Mr. PHILLIP NYE Together with his Sentence and the manner of his Execution LONDON Printed for S. D. and are to be sold by most of the Book-sellers in London 1660. To The Reverend his Dearly beloved Brethren Mr. John Goodâ—in Mr. Phillip Nye Brethren I Should doe you and the Author an unexampled injury should I detain this Dedication from you since necessity on the one side and equity on the other compels me to it Necessity in regard no other persons will patronize him and equity because you have been co-partners with him in all his misdemeanors so that you are by most well-Principled men term'd A Trinity of Traytors but our author minding the Publike good hath thus inrolled his name in the Catalogue of Wits and desires to wipe off all the obloquy people have cast upon him by leaving these Remains to after-ages that those which make him the subject of their discourses may by remembring his Jeasts forget his Crimes he hath long enough been covered with the Knaves-Coat and therefore now puts on the Fools for that as Mr. Nedham saith Is the only way to preferment and a Ladies Chamber and without controversie the Levite may laugh or cause laughter as well as the Layman Semel in anno ridet Apollo The God of Wisdome may frollick it sometimes why then may not he unbend himself with moderate mirth Non seria semper he that with Heraclitus whines away his time I judge more culpable then he that with Democritus shakes it away with laughter I have long time known this second Scoggin and have been an often hearer of him and I finding his Discourses so much of Wit and Mirth could not but rake these embers together There are amongst them several Pulpit-flashes for indeed they are collected out of many of his Sermons by the pen of a ready writer they are the Cream of his Applicatory part and since his Homilies would be too voluminous and probably impertinent I have made this Publication that his Memory may survive his ashes and you likewise to whom it is Dedicated have a share in his Immortality And beleeve me let the World say what it will Archee was a fool to him as appears by his fulfilling the Proverb Fortune favours Fools for he got a good Estate so did our Author too You 'l say but Fortune playes the Strumpet He got it like a Fool and must loose it like a Fool Icannot forget that Lesson he said the Heathen taught him and indeed it concerns you all Non Lex est justior ulla Quam veris Artifices arte perire sua But you must know A Fools Bolt is soon shot and it is no matter what they say that matter not what they say I am sure no Heathen could exceed him for a Heathen in teaching him taught a man but he would preach to Horses Even till they broke their Halters and tell me which is the hardest task for a Heathen to make him cry or he to make a Dog laugh I remember he was once in Company with some Ladies and was extreme bashful whereupon a Gentleman reproved him in this wise Fool at 'em and ever since sprung up that Proverbial word Fool a-tum This being all Dear Brethren I remain Yours in the Lord would I could say Protector S.D. THE Contents of the Tales and Jests of Mr. Hugh Peters 1 How Mr. Peters being belated on a journey lodged at a Millers house and what passed between him and the miller 2 How a notable Parson put a jest upon Mr. Peters and Mr. T. when he was examined by them 3 How Mr. Peters broke a jest upon a Lady 4 How Mr. Peters reproved Oliver Cromwel for sleeping in the Church whilst he was preaching 5 How Mr. Peters divided his Text at St. Albans 6 How Mr. Peters and his Neighbour discoursed on the wind 7 How M. Peters inveigh'd against the pride of the English Nation 8 How Mr. Peters jested on his Horse 9 How M. Peters examined a Country lad and the jests that hapned at that time 10 How Mr. Peters and several Justices of the Peace sat two days about the brewing of small Beer 11 How Mr. Peters adviseth a Traveller to be accomplisht 12 How Mr. Peters served the Parson of a hot constitution 13 How M. Peters gave his opinion concerning Christendom 14 How Mr. Peters rode through the Strand 15 How Mr. Peters wrote a Letter from Tredagh in Ireland 16 How Mr. Peters described a Whore 17 How Mr. Peters lighted the blind Harper 18 How Mr. Peters told a Tale of a man a fish and a bird 19 How Mr. Peters cheapned a Close-stole 20 How Mr. Peters jeer'd a Justice 21 How Mr. Peters cloath'd Christ in a buff-coat 22 How Mr. Peters opened heavens gate to a Committee-man 23 How Mr. Peters told a tale of his Friend 24 How Mr. Peters described a Citizen 25 How M. Peters shewed one the way to Tame 26 How M. Pet. discoursed with a Tradesman 27 How M. Pet. reproved a young Schollar 28 How M. Pet made an ass of a Gentleman 29 How Mr. Peters saved his license 30 Hovv Mr. Peters gave his judgment of a Chollerick Gentleman 31 How M. P. extoll'd the Army under Oliv. 32 How M. P. visited the Earl of Pembrook 33 How M. Pet. wished his auditory to beware of 3 W's 34 How M. Peters called his hearers fools 35 How M. P. took an affront on the Exchange 36 How M. Pet. said where his Majesty was 37 How M. Peters inveigh'd against Citizens wives 38 How Mr. Pet. jeared a rich man and his fat Wife 39 How M. Pet. said he had been in heaven 40 How M. Pet. answered Oliver Cromwel 41 How Mr. Peters jested at his friends hurt 42 How M. Pet. defaced a shoulder of mutton 43 How Mr. Peters mistook in reaching to the top of the Pulpit 44 How Mr. P. advanced the cause of Oliver 45 How M. Peters went to heaven and hell 46 How M. Peters shared with the State 47 How m. Peters was serv'd by the Butchers Wife 48 How M.P. prayed against the Kings Arms 49 How Mr. Pet. discoursed against Organs 50 How Mr. P. preached 3 hours on a fast day 51 How mr. P. said the word of God had a free passage 52 How mr. Peters bought cloath by the measure of his sword 53 How m. P. asked Grapes of Ald. Tichburn 54 How mr. Peters jeered the Poet Withers 55 How mr. P. gave his opinion of the 3 LLL 56 How m. P. made himself Hewsons father 57 How mr. Pet. compared his late Majesty to Barrabas 58 How mr. Pet. quoted 3 fools in the Gospel 59 Hovv tvvo Gentlemen put up a bill to mr. Peters THE Tales and Jests of Mr. Hugh Peters Collected into one Volume JEST I How Mr.
Being desired by Oliver Cromwell to repair to an appointed place there to preach it suddenly fell a raining whereupon Cromwell offered him his Coat To which he replied I 'le not have it for my part I would not be in your Coat for a thousand pounds How Mr. Peters jested at his friends hurt Mr. Peters coming by one time where he espied a friend of his deeply cut in the head who engaged too far in a foolish fray he began to check him for his indiscretion But saith he 't is too late now to give you Counsel come along with me to a Chirurgion a friend of mine where I 'le have you see you drest and then bid you farewel Where being come the Chirurgion begins to wash away the blood and search for his braines to see if they were hurt At which M. Peters cries out what a mad man are you to seek for any such thing if he had had any braines he would never have ventured so rashly into so unlucky a Skirmish How Mr. Peters defaced a shoulder of Mutton Being invited to dinner his Stomach invited him into the Kitchin to take a slice before dinner where espying a Shoulder of Mutton began to cut a peice of that and to deface it at which saith the Maid O Sir cut not of that because it is old Say you so quoth he then I will have a piece of it to chuse for age you know is honourable How Mr. Peters mistook in reaching to the top of his Pulpit Mr. Peters preaching immediatly after the death of Oliver Cromwell in his Sermon brought in this Expression that he knew Ol. Cromwell was in Heaven as sure as he could then touch the head of his Pulpit and reaching up his hand came short thereof by half a yard How Mr. Peters advanced the Cause of Oliver Master Peters for the maintenance of the Army under his Master Oliver used often times to exhort the people to be liberal in their Contributions and having used his utmost endeavours in London he endeavoured to stir up the wellaffected in several Counties alwayes intermixing somewhat of mony in his Discourse but one time above the rest having provided himself with a pair of breeches without pockets onely holes cut in the places where the pockets should be and his Auditory being most Women he affrighted them exceedingly with the terrible Characters he gave the Cavaliers and at length out comes a whole bunch of Rings which he had hung on his codpeice button And my beloved quoth Hugh these Rings the Women of such a Town gave me and shaking them a while in one hand pretended to put them up but standing upright in the Pulpit he took them through his breeches in the other and see here saith he beloved Sisters these the pious minded Women of another Town gave me to subdue the wicked Cavaliers by this peice of Sophistry he would preach his ignorant hearers out of large sums of money which it may be supposed he treasured in his own coffers XLV How Mr Peters went to Heaven and Hell Mr Peters in the midst of one of his Sermons dives down and rising up again faith My Beloved Where think you I have been now I le tell you I have been in Heaven and there 's my Lord Bradshaw and many other worthy persons of Note then diving again Now saith he I have been in Hell and there were a Number of factious Parliament men and that they might believe it to be true as that Gospel shewing a Paper-Book with Notes bound up like a Testament XLVI How Mr Peters shared with the State He was wont after his Collections to carry all his treasure into one Roome where there was two Chests then would he take one Bag and flinging it into one of the Chests this saith he for the State and flinging another Bag into the other Chest quoth he this for my selfe This would he so frequently do that an ingenious fellow his servant noted it to imitate his Master would commonly before he gave his Master his accompts do the same having provided himselfe with two Chests or Trunks would cry This for my Master and this for my selfe insomuch that in short time he had heaped up a great treasure and taking himselfe to be somebody more then formerly attempted to make love to a Gentlewoman related neerely to Mr Peters whereupon Mr Peters checks him for the presumption saying She had a great fortune and was a pitch above him Sir quoth the servant I am not so despicable as you may thinke nor shall her fortune exceed mine say you so saith Mr Peters make that appeare and you shall have her Why Sir quoth the servant I have done as you taught me you used to say this for the State and this for my selfe so I would cast into your treasury one Bag and two into mine own sayest thou so replyed his Master Believe me I commend thee and clapping him on the Back saith he say no more thou dost deserve her But whether they were married or not my Intelligencer cannot informe me XLVII How Mr Peters was served by the Butchers wife Mr Peters ingratiating himselfe with a Butchers wife who was somewhat handsome did with much intreaty gaine her consent to be her visiter at midnight and she ordered him to come at such a time and put his hand under the doore where he should finde the Key which should open a passage to her chamber he comes at the appointed time but this crafty woman instead of the Key had there layd a Trap and Mr Peters looking for the Key did unluckily thrust his hand into the Trap and could not get it out till by his calling for helpe he was heard and disgracefully released XLVIII How Mr Peters prayed against the Kings Armes Praying in a Country village he espyed in the Church the Kings Armes whereupon he brings in these words Good Lord keepe us from the yoke of Tyranny and spreading his hands towards the Kings Armes saith he Preserve thy servants from the paw of the Lyon and the horne of the Vnicorne XLIX How Mr Peters discoursed against Organs Mr Peters discoursing of Church Ceremonies brake into this expression Yee must have Musick too but indeed when as ye say Lord have mercy upon us miserable sinners ye may well vary the words a little and let your Petition be Lord have mercy upon us miserable Singers L. How Mr Peters preached three houres on a Fast-day Mr Peters having on a Fast day preached two long houres and espying his glasse to be out after the second turning up takes it in his hand and having againe turned it saith Come my Beloved we will have the other glasse and so wee 'le part LI. How Mr Peters said the word of God had a free Passage Discoursing of the advantage Christians have above Heathens and shewing that they were guided only by a Naturall Instinct but we have the word preached to us and indeed saith he the Gospel hath a very