Instructions of his and made it my business to improve by so wise a Conversation Upon his Death I apply'd my self to Scaevola the Priest whom I dare affirm for Learning and Justice to be the most excellent Person in Rome But having spoken of Him in another place I shall now return to Scaevola the Augur Among other Discourses of his I remember when I and two or three of his most familiar Friends were sitting with him he fell upon a Subject which was then in every Man's Mouth For I suppose Atticus You who were so well acquainted with P. Sulpicius can't forget how the mortal hatred he bore Q. Pompeius who was Consul when he was Tribune and with whom he had formerly been very intimate did amaze as well as trouble all the Town Scaevola took occasion from this to entertain us with a Discourse of Loelius's to Him and his other Son in Law C. Fannius Marcus's Son upon Friendship which pass'd within a few days after the Death of Africanus The Heads of this Discourse I remember very well and have digested them into this Treatise after my own Method For I have brought in the Persons speaking to one another that I might avoid the troublesom repetition of said I and said He and that they might seem to talk as if they were present Now having been often desir'd by You to write something of Friendship and looking upon it as a Subject that might be as worthy of every one's Knowledge as of our Familiarity I was the more inclin'd to contribute what I cou'd to the publick Good and your private Satisfaction But as in that Dialogue of mine concerning Old Age which was dedicated to You I brought in the elder Cato discoursing because I thought to Person fitter to speak upon that Theme than one who had seen the World so long and had flourish'd so eminently in his later years So having understood from Tradition that the Friendship between C. Laelius and P. Scipio was very famous I judg'd it proper to make Laelius once more speak those things concerning Friendship which Scaevola remember'd to have been formerly said by Him This way of Discourse seems to carry the more weight in it when 't is grounded upon the Authority of Men so Ancient and Illustrious insomuch as in the reading over that former Treatise I am sometimes so strangely affected with it tho' 't was written by my self that methinks Cato speaks not I. But as in that Book being my self an Old Man I wrote to an Old Man concerning Age so in this being a Friend I write to a Friend concerning Friendship there Cato spoke than whom no Man of his time was Older or Wiser Here Laelius who always had the repute of the Wisest Man and the Faithsullest Friend talks of Friendship Therefore I must desire you to divert your thoughts from Me that write it to Laelius that speaks it Caius Fannius and Quintus Mucius are suppos'd to come to their Father-in-Law upon the Death of Africanus They begin the Discourse with Laelius who talks all the way of Friendship and in whose Character of a Friend you will see your own FANNIUS What you say Laelius is true for there never was a Man of greater Prudence or Renown than Africanus but you must consider that the Eyes of all are now upon You You only are call'd and counted Wise This was lately the Attribute of Cato and formerly of L. Atilius But both of them had it in a different respect Atilius for his knowledge in the Civil Law Cato for his long Experience in the World his Wisdom and Courage in the Senate and his Wit and Eloquence at the Bar So that when He came to be Old the Epithet of Wise was in a manner become his Proper Name But You are esteem'd for another kind of Wisdom which is no less owing to your Industry and Knowledge than to your Nature and Manners And that not as Wisdom goes among the Vulgar but as the better sort describe a Wise Man such as Greece never had For the more exact Critics will not allow those Seven who were called the Sages to be perfectly Wise we read of One only at Athens and Him pronounced so by Apollo Now the Wisdom which is held to be in You is such as enables you to esteem all that can be call'd your own as proceeding from your Self and to look upon all humance Accidents as things beneath the thoughts of a Vertuous Man Therefore several have enquir'd of Me and I believe of Scaevola how You bear the Death of Africanus and so much the rather because when we met last Nones according to our custom in D. Brutus's Garden to discourse You only were absent who always us'd to observe that day and that Duty very punctually SCAEVOLA 'T is true Laelius several as Fannius says enquire But I answer them from my own observation that You bear the loss of so great a Man and so good a Friend with all the moderation that can be expected that indeed a Man of your good Nature cou'd not but be somewhat moved but that your absence from Us was occasion'd by your Illness rather than by any excess of Grief LAELIUS You say well Scaevola No small Impediment should have kept me from an Office which I always attended when I was in health For I don't think that any Accident can excuse a Man of Resolution from the performance of his Duty But you Fannius that attribute more to Me than I either desire or deserve shew more of your Friendship to Me than of your Justice to Cato for either no Man ever was Wise which I am more inclinable to think or if ever Man was He was For to omit other Instances how bravely did he bear the Death of his Son Paulus I remember and Caius I have seen but their Loss was not so great as Cato's and consequently their Trial less Their Sons died in their Childhood Cato's was a Man not only of great Hopes but of approved Verâ—ues Wherefore have a care of preferring even Him whom you say Apollo judged the Wisest of Men before Cato for if the Sayings of the First deserve our Praise the Actions of the Last will challenge our Admiration But now to deal freely with you Both as to your Sentiments of Me. Whether I shou'd do well or no in denying my self to be concern'd for Scipio's Death let the Learned determine I 'm sure I should not speak the Truth for I must needs say I am moved at the loss of such a Friend as I think there never will be and I am certain there never was But I want no Remedies I am my own Comforter and chiefly in this that I am freed from an Error with which most Men are possess'd upon the Death of their Friends for I think not that any Harm has hapned to Scipio all that has hapned is to Me Now to take one's own Misfortunes to heart shews more like Self-love than Friendship But who can deny
enough that I am forc'd for to deny so fair Request to one's Kinsmen were not only unkind but unreasonable As often therefore as I think upon Friendship this Consideration offers it self first to my thoughts whether Weakness or Necessity should be any inducements to contract a Friendship that so whereas either Party would be helpless of himself the Occasions of the one might be supply'd by the other and all kind Offices perform'd by both in a mutual reciprocation of Benefits whether I say this might properly be call'd Friendship or whether there were not some other Motive of greater worth and beauty which proceeds from Nature And certainly Love from whence the Name of Friendship is deriv'd in Latin is the first and strongest tye of our Affections Some Men shall receive a good Turn from those whom they only flatter with an outward shew of Friendship and to whom they pay a Respect suitable to their present occasions But Friendship will not admit of any Disguise or Dissimulation whatever proceeds from That must be sincere and voluntary So that methinks Friendship arises rather from Nature than Want and from a secret application of the Mind with a tender sense of Love rather than from any consideration how to make it serviceable to our Interest Experience shews us this in most Animals who for a time love their Young so entirely and are so well belov'd by them that one may easily perceive the force of Nature in these Creatures which is more eminently apparent in Man First from the mutual Love between Parents and their Children which nothing but some horrible Crime can destroy and next when there are equal grounds for Love on both sides as when we light upon one of the same Temper and Disposition with our selves in whom we have discover'd some eminent Ray of Goodness and Vertue For nothing is more amiable than Vertue nothing more attractive of our Affections We find in our selves an inclination for some Persons whom we never saw meerly upon the Report of their Vertue Who has not an honor and esteem for the Memory of C. Fabricius and M Curius tho' he never beheld them Who does not at the same time detest Tarquinius Superbus Sp. Cassius and Sp. Moelius When the two Generals Pyrrhus and Hannibal strove for the Mastery in Italy we had no great aversion to the former because of his Generosity the later Rome always hated for his Cruelty Now since the power of Vertue is so great as to render it lovely in a Stranger and which is more in an Enemy 't is no wonder if we are affected with it when we see it every day in an Acquaintance Tho' I must confess Friendship is mightily confirm'd by receiving some demonstrations of Kindness by an experience of Love and by frequent Conversation All which being added to that first Motive of Love will flame out into a wonderful Endearment of Friendship now if any one thinks this to proceed from a Weakness in our selves and a design to obtain private Ends and Interests upon others he makes the Rise of Friendship mean and ignoble by ascribing it to Necessity and Want which at that rate would best qualifie a Man for Friendship But 't is quite otherwise For he that has most assurance in himself and is endued with so much Wisdom and Vertue that he wants no Body but has every thing that is needful within himself this Man is worthiest to gain and preserve a Friend How did Africanus want me Not at all Neither did I stand in need of Him but as I lov'd him out of an Honor I had for his Vertue so He regarded me for some little Esteem he had of mine Time and Conversation increas'd our Affection And tho' many and great Conveniences on both sides did arise from thence yet we never made the hopes of them any Inducements to contract a Friendship For as we are sometimes willing to assist and oblige one another not through any hopes of Requital for that were to put a Benefit out to Use but because we are all naturally inclin'd to Humanity So methinks we should cover Friendship not for any expectation of an outward Recompence but because it is always its own Reward Some who like Brutes place all Happiness in Pleasure have a quite different Notion of Friendship but 't is no wonder if such as misplace their Affections upon so low and worthless an Object can never raise them to the contemplation of any thing that is Sublime Noble and Divine Such therefore we shall exclude from our discourse and rest satisfi'd that Nature creates in us all a propensity to Love and that the appearance of Vertue begets a true and sincere Affection This last Motive makes us place our selves as near as we can to Him we love that we may more freely enjoy the benefit of his Conversation and Manners that there may be an equality and correspondence in love and a readiness to oblige without the least expectation of a Return From this kind Contention many Benefits will arise and its Foundation will be stronger and surer than that of Weakness and Want For if Interest were the only tye of Friendship when one fails the other cannot last but because Nature cannot be chang'd therefore true Friendship which proceeds from Nature is immutable and eternal Thus have I shewn you the Rise of Friendship Would you know any thing further SCAEVOLA Good Loelius proceed for Fannius who is my Junior I dare Answer FANNIUS My Brother has spoken my Mind therefore pray Sir let us hear you on LAELIUS Hear then Gentlemen what Scipio and I have often said of Friendship He always thought that nothing was more difficult than to preserve an inviolate Friendship till Death For things may so happen that the Interests of Friends will be distinct or their Opinions in Matters of State different We find said He every day that the Humors of Men change with their Condition or their Tears An Instance of this he brought from Children who commonly lay aside their greatest Friendships with their Play-things or if they continued them till their Youth they were generally parted by some dispute for a Pleasure or Advantage that could not be obtain'd by both at the same time but if any were so constant as to preserve their Friendship under these Trials yet at last it would be violated when both were Competitors in Honor For there is no greater bane of Friendship than among most Men Avarice among the Better sort Ambition these have too often prov'd the causes of great Enmities between the greatest Friends Besides said Scipio many and sometimes just Occasions of Separation are given by some Ill Men that expect to be gratifi'd by their Friend in every unlawful Request as that he should be an Instrument of their Lust or an Assistant to their Injustice which if he refuses to do let his Refusal be never so well grounded he shall be tax'd with a breach of Friendship tho' at the
same time when these Men have the confidence to require a Compliance with all their Demands they seem to profess that They would do any thing right or wrong to serve a Friend But this is an old Complaint which has not only parted Friends but created Mortal and Implacable Enemies These are the Inconveniences which Scipio thought so incident to common Friendships that he who could conquer or avoid them was to be esteem'd not only a Wise but a Happy Man And now if you please let us consider how far Love ought to proceed in Friendship If Coriolanus had Friends ought they to have born Arms with him against their Country Should the Friends of Viscellinus or Sp. Moelius have assisted their Ambition in aspiring to the Empire We saw but t'other day that Tib. Gracchus when he disturb'd the Government was forsaken by Qu. Tubero and all his Friends that were of any Quality But C. Blossius of Cuma an Acquaintance of your Family Scoevola when he came to me to the Senate Loenas and Rupilius being then Consuls to sue for his Pardon urg'd this Argument for his Excuse Because he had so high an esteem for Tib. Gracchus that he thought himself oblig'd to do whatever he desir'd But what said I if he should bid you Fire the Capitol He would never have propos'd that answer'd he Well but what if he had Truly said he I should have done it You hear how Wickedly he spoke and really he did as he said or rather more For he was no longer the Instrument but the Author of Gracchus's Rage and was his Leader rather than his Companion in all his desperate Attempts at last the Hot brain'd Rebel being terrifi'd by a heavy Accusation for fresh Crimes fled into Asia and revolted to the Enemy and in the end was overtaken by a severe but just Punishment for all his Treasons Therefore it won't excuse you from the Offence to say you offended for a Friend's sake for Vertue being the very cement of Friendship there is no preserving the one if you forsake the other Now if we judge it very fit for us to comply with all the Desires of a Friend and for him to do the same by us we have Reason on our side as long as the Matter of his Request is not unlawful I speak here of such Friends as we have before our Eyes such as we meet with in History or Conversation Those we are to make our Precedents and those chiefly who come nearest to the true Wisdom We have heard of the intimate Friendship between Papus Aemilius and C. Luscinus who as Tradition tells us were twice Consuls together and twice Censors and we find that M. Curius and T. Coruncanius were familiar with them and between themselves Now we can't suppose that any one of these would ever press the other to the performance of ought that touch'd their Honor their Oath or their Loyalty No they were Men of so much Vertue that if such Demands were ever made I dare say they were never granted Yet we see Tib. Gracchus was assisted by C. Carbo C. Cato and his Brother Caius who proves a greater Stickler for that Faction since his Brother's Death than he was before Therefore we may take this for a general Rule in Friendship Neither to make nor grant any dishonourable Request For in all other Offences but especially in those that are against our Country 't is a poor Evasion to cry They were committed upon a Friend's account Now we are fallen into such Times Fannius and Scoevola that it concerns us to look as far as we can into the Future state of the Republick especially since we have degenerated from the Customs and Manners of our Ancestors Tib. Gracchus strove to obtain or rather did actually usurp the Supreme Power for a few Months Did ever any Roman see or hear the like Yet even after his Death his Friends and Adherents maintain'd what he had done nor can I mention their usage of P. Nasica Scipio without Tears Carbo whom I nam'd just now we bore with by reason we had punish'd Tib. Gracchus so lately What will be the Event of C. Gracchus's Tribuneship I shall not pretend to guess that Affair grows daily upon us and if it once gets a Head will be very pernicious to the Republick You may see by every Poll for Magistrates what mischievous Consequences have attended the Gabinian Law and that which Cassius brought in two years after And now methinks I see the Senate and People of Rome divided and all things manag'd by a Head-strong Multitude whilst some stand looking on and are more curious to enquire what occasion'd these Calamities than how they should be remedied But what 's the Reason of all this Truly because no Body would dare to attempt such a thing without a Party Therefore every Honest Man must be caution'd that tho' his Friendship should betray him unawares into such Alliances yet he must ot hold himself oblig'd to stand by his Friend in any Design that tends to the subversion or prejudice of the Commonwealth For all Offenders of this kind some Punishment must be provided and no less for the Adherents than for the Leaders of a Faction Who in all Greece was more Renown'd or more Powerful than Themistocles who deliver'd that Nation from Slavery in the Persian War where he was General Yet after all this Man when he was Banish'd thro' the Jealousie of his Fellow-Citizen knew not how to bear that Affront from his Ungrateful Country tho' 't was his Duty to have born it but took the same course as Coriolanus had done here Twenty years before him and Revolted Neither of these could find a Friend that would assist them against his Country and therefore Both kill'd themselves Now I say such wicked Associations as these must not only be deny'd the umbrage of Friendship for their Excuse but should be made liable to some heavy Censure that no Man may think it lawful upon any account to take up Arms with his Friend against his Country which for ought I can see as things go now may too frequently happen For my part I am no less concern'd to think what the Condition of the Republick will be after my Death than what is now in my Life time Therefore this must be laid down as the first Maxim in Friendship To request what is just of our Friends and to perform what is just for them scarcely respiting the performance so long as to be ask'd Let us always be ready to oblige them and exclude all delays from Friendship Let us be willing and glad to give good Counsel and let the Authority of a Friend if his Advice be honest go a great way with us this Authority must extend it self not only to open Admonitions but where occasion requires to severe Reproofs and then it must be strictly obey'd Yet some who I hear are esteem'd Wise in Greece please themselves with strange and singular Opinions but nothing
can escape the nicety of their Distinctions They forsooth will tell us that we must not be over-stock'd with Friends for that 's the way to involve one Man in the Cares of a Multitude who at the same time has enow and it may be too many of his own That 't is troublesom to have too great an Interest in other Mens Concerns and more convenient to have the Knot of Friendship as slight and as loose as we can that upon occasion we may streighten or slacken it as we see fit That Quiet is the readiest Means to obtain Happiness which the mind can never enjoy if it must be in continual labour for the Fortunes of so many several Men. Others they say are of a more selfish Opinion which I have hinted at already that Friendship was to be desir'd for Convenience and Interest not for Love and Affection And therefore the more helpless a Man is the more reason he has to seek a Friend from hence say they it comes to pass that Women rather than Men the Poor rather than the Rich the Distressed rather than the Happy fly to Friendship as a Sanctuary Brave Wisdom indeed They may as well rob the World of the Sun as Human Life of Friendship the best and happiest Gift of Heaven But what is that Quiet they talk of which in appearance may be pleasant but is really to be avoided in most cases Would any Man in his Wits excuse himself from undertaking an honorable Action or Employment or lay it down when he has undertaken it merely because there is some trouble in the performance of it He that would avoid all Care must by the same Rule avoid Vertue which cannot without some difficulty reject and hate it's contrary as Good does Evil Temperance Lust or Courage Cowardice Thus you see Vertuous Men have the strongest aversion for those that are Vitious the Valiant for those that are Fearful and the Sober for those that are Lewd 'T is therefore essential to a well govern'd Mind to delight in all that is Good and to be offended at all that is otherwise Now since Trouble will sometimes befal the wisest Man which it must necessarily do unless we can suppose him devested of all Humanity I see no reason why we should banish Friendship from our Life because it may give us a little trouble Take but away the Affections of the Soul and tell me what difference there is I will not say between a Beast and a Man but between a Man and a Stone a Stock or any senssess thing We must not hearken to those that will make Vertue so hard and cruel a Mistress which in all things is easy and gentle especially in Friendship where she allows us a well to share the Comforts of our Friend's Prosperity as the Sorrows of his Adversity Therefore Friendship is not to be laid aside because some trouble must be undergon for a Friend no more than Vertue is to be neglected because it is attended with some difficulties Now Vertue being as I told you the very Cement of Affection when That appears so eminently in one Man as to create in another of the like disposition a desire of being joyn'd to him when I say this happens an Amity must necessarily follow And methinks 't is strange that Men should take so much Pleasure in the Vanities and Superfluities of Life as Honor Grandeur Building Dressing and Beautifying the Body and yet find no delight in a Mind enrich'd with Vertue that knows where to bestow and how to return Affection For certainly nothing can be more Charming than a Correspondence of Kindness and a mutual intercourse of friendly Offices Now if we add what we justly may that Likeness is so attractive of Friendship as nothing more 't will easily be granted that Vertuous Men love such as are Vertuous and delight to associate with them as if there were already some Alliance in Nature and Affinity in Blood For nothing is more desirous and I may say greedy of it's Like than Nature And now Fannius and Scoevola I hope I have demonstrated the necessity of a good Will between good Men which is the natural spring of Friendship But this Goodness is of a large extent For Vertue is not so selfish insociable or proud but that she is equally communicative of her Benefits to every particular and active for the publick Good which would never be had she not an universal kindness for all Therefore they that make Interest an inducement to Friendship seem to me to loosen it's most amiable Tye for 't is not so much the Advantages we receive from a Friend as the Love he has for us that ought to be valued and then it is that a good turn is most acceptable when it comes with a good will Now 't is so far from being true that Friendship proceeds from Necessity that they who abound most in the possession of Riches and Vertue which of all things has least need of any outward assistance are generally the most liberal and readiest to oblige Yet I question whether 't is always necessary that nothing should be wanting between Friends For if Scipio had never stood in need of my Service Advice or Assistance neither at home nor abroad what proofs had their been of our mutual Affection Therefore Convenience and Interest ought not to be the causes but the consequences of Friendship We must not give ear to those Worldlings who entertain such notions of Friendship as are grounded neither upon their knowledge nor their experience For God knows what Man living would purchase the greatest Wealth and Plenty in the World at so dear a rate as not to Love the rest of Mankind nor to be belov'd by them This were to live the Life of a Tyrant destitute of the least assurance of Kindness or common good Will and so full of Jealousies and Distrusts that there is no room for Friendship For who can Love that Man whom he Fears or by whom he thinks himself to be Fear'd Tyrants are flatter'd indeed for a while with an appearance of Friendship but when they fall as commonly they do then they see too plainly how few Friends they have 'T is reported of Tarquin that he should say in his Banishment that now he could discern his Friends from his Enemies when he was not in a capacity of being useful to the one or hurtful to the other Tho' I should wonder if so proud and cruel a Tyrant could find one Friend in the World Now as this Man 's ill qualities gain'd him no true Friends so commonly the affluence of Wealth indisposes some Men for a real Friendship For Fortune is not only Blind her self but she hoodwinks her Favourites so that they are generally puff'd up with Pride and self-conceit and certainly nothing is more unsufferable than a fortunate Fool. Of this we have frequent instances in some whose humor is at first not disagreeable till Honor Power and Prosperity make such an
alteration in them that they slight their Old Friends and grow fond of New Now what can be a greater weakness than for Men abounding in Riches to lay out vast Sums upon Horses Equipage Cloaths Furniture and twenty other Commodities that every Man may have for his Mony and yet not to be solicitous in the obtaining a Friend the Richest Treasure and Lovelyest Ornament of ones Life For let a Man bestow never so much in the purchase of worldly Goods yet he can't tell for whom they are purchas'd or who shall enjoy the Fruits of all his Cost and Care which may at last be snatch'd from him by some stronger hand but a Friend is a sure and lasting Possession Nay tho' we should suppose our selves absolute Masters of all that Fortune can give yet even in that condition a Life destitute of Friends would be Solitary and Uncomfortable And so much for this Point Let us now set some Bounds and Limits to Friendship how far it should proceed in Kindness concerning these I find three several Opinions none of which I approve The First is That we must stand equally affected to our Friends as to our Selves The Second That our Returns of Friendship must bear an exact proportion to the Obligations we receive from our Friends The Third That accordingly as a Man esteems of Himself such he must be esteem'd by his Friend Of these three Assertions there is not one to which I can assent First It is not true that a Man ought to stand equally affected to his Friend as to Himself For how many things are there which we would never do in our own Case and yet we are willing to do them for a Friend's sake For instance to sue to an unworthy Man to be importunate to reproach any one with some Bitterness and Passion all which would not appear so well in our own behalf yet might be excusable upon a Friend's account Besides there are many cases in which a good Man willingly neglects or quits his own Convenience that his Friend rather than himself may enjoy it The next Opinion limits Friendship to a mutual equality and exact Correspondence in all good Offices This is to call Friendship to too strict and severe an account by requiring that the Returns should be equivalent to the Obligations True Friendship methinks is of a more generous and noble Nature and scorns to be exact in observing whether more is return'd than has been receiv'd for we must not be afraid lest any thing should fall to the ground and be forgotten or lest our Friends should have too much of our Kindness The last and indeed the worst is that a Man must be esteem'd by his Friend as he esteems of Himself We frequently see some Men dejected in Mind and hopeless of mending their Condition in such a case it will not become a Friend to entertain the same mean thoughts of his desponding Companion as he has of himself but rather to use all arts and endeavours to raise his drooping Spirits and to animate him with better thoughts of himself and his Fortunes But we shall find that true Friendship has a nobler End than any of these if we remember what Scipio found so much fault with when he said there could be no Opinion more pernicious to Friendship than his who said that a Man must love with this reserve that he may one day hate He could never be persuaded that this Sentence was spoken by Bias who was one of the Seven but rather by some Lewd ill-natur'd Fellow that had a mind to subject all the World to his Interest and Ambition For how can any Body be that Man's Friend whose Enemy he thinks he may become hereafter Besides he must needs wish that his Friend may offend often that he may find more Occasions to rebuke him and he must as necessarily be displeas'd when he does well or succeeds well Wherefore this Doctrine whoever was the Author of it tends to the utter dissolution of Friendship He should rather have advis'd us to use such Caution in chusing a Friend as not to begin to love one whom at some time or other we may hate but if we are not so happy in our Choice as we could wish 't was Scipio's Opinion that we must rather bear with it than ever think of a Separation This in my mind should be the chief aim of Friendship that the Manners and Dispositions of Friends should be good and that there may be a Communication of all things between them both of their Intentions and Thoughts without any reserve And tho' it should sometimes fall out that a Friend's Request is less reasonable than it ought to be yet if his Life or Credit lies at Stake we may step a little aside to serve him unless we foresee that some scandalous Consequence will attend our Compliance For tho' there are some Allowances to be made in Friendship yet we must not hazard our own Reputation nor that necessary Instrument in all our Affairs the good Will of our Neighbours which to purchase by Fawning and Flattery is base and mean Above all things we must be mindful of Vertue which is the Foundation of Friendship Scipio for I must often return to Him who was always talking of this Subject us'd to complain that in all other Matters Men were more diligent than in this Every one can tell you how many Sheep or Oxen he has but ask him how many Friends and he is silent Most People are cautious and curious enough in the purchase of the first but very negligent and indifferent in the choice of the last All this proceeds from an ignorance of the true Marks and Tokens by which we may discern one that is well qualifi'd for a Friend We must therefore pitch upon those whom we think to be Men of a firm steady and constant Principle there are so few of this sort that we can hardly judge of them but by making some Trial and this Trial can't be made till we have entred into some Familiarity which being antecedent to our Experience seems to prevent our making a right Judgment of a Friend Therefore a Prudent Man must know as well how to stop the Torrent of his Affection as a good Rider how to check the Cariere of a head strong Jade Friendship must be us'd like Manag'd Horses the Humors and Dispositions of those we intend for our Friends must be observ'd by degrees Some are tried in a little matter of Mony how slight their Professions are Others again who are not to be tempted with a small Sum will be prov'd in a greater But if you can find a Man after all that scorns to prefer your Mony before your Friendship where will you light upon one that will not value Greatness Power Wealth and Empire above his Friend that when These stand in competition with the Laws and Rights of Friendship will not chuse the first before the last So hard is it for Flesh and
never so able to advance all his Friends and Acquaintance We see Scipio had interest enough to make P. Rutilius Consul but he could not serve his Brother Lucius upon the same occasion Nay tho' we can do never so much for a Friend yet as I said before we must consider whether he is fit for such or such an Employment There is no true Judgment to be made of our Friendships till they are confirm'd by length of time and maturity of understanding If in our Youth we had a Love for the Companions of our Recreations this does not oblige us to contract a strict Friendship with them in our riper Years for at that rate our Nurses and Tutors might justly challenge the largest share in our Affection Now tho' these are not to be slighted yet they are to esteem'd after another manner than our Friends whom otherwise we can never preserve long Different Manners create different Minds and consequently dissolve Friendship And the only Reason why Good Men can never Love those that are Bad is because there is the widest difference imaginable in their Minds and Manners 'T is a good Rule in Friendship to take care lest the Intemperance and Extravagance of our Affection should hinder the Occasions of our Friends or prejudice their Interest For to return to Story Neoptolemus had never taken Troy if he had hearken'd to his Father-in-Law Lycomedes who had the Education of Him and strove with many Tears to stop his Journy Sometimes there will fall out pressing occasions that must necessarily divide Friends which he that goes about to obstruct because he can't bear a Friend's absence shows a weak impotent and unreasonable Friendship Therefore we must always consider what we ought to ask of our Friends as well as what we ought to grant them Sometimes there falls out an unhappy necessity of a final Separation between Friends For my Discourse descends now from the Friendship of the Wiser Sort to that of the Vulgar For Instance Suppose a Friend of ours has done some great injury to a third Person and that the Infamy of it is likely to extend to all that hold any Familiarity or Correspondence with him In this case we must let our Friendship cool by degrees and discontinuance of Conversation and as Cato us'd to say rather unty it gently than break it off abruptly unless some intolerable enormity breaks out so that we cannot with any appearance of Justice or Honesty avoid an immediate Separation Where we find an alteration in the Manners and Inclinations of our Friend which often happens or a difference between their Sentiments and ours in matters of Government for as I told you I am not now speaking of a Philosophical Friendship but of that which is more ordinary There I say we must take heed lest instead of laying down our Friendship fairly we take up a mortal Enmity for nothing can be worse than to own an open Quarrel where one has formerly us'd a Familiarity You see Scipio withdrew from Q. Pompeius's Friendship upon my account and left off all Familiarity with my Collegue Metellus because he was disaffected to the State In both he us'd that Wisdom and Moderation as to discover a Resentment free from Passion Therefore it must be our first care to have no variance between our Friends and our selves and where such a misfortune happens to use that Temper in our demeanor towards them that our Friendship may rather seem to dye of it self than to suffer any Violence from us We must take heed lest of intimate Friends we become Irreconcilable Enemies For this is commonly the occasion of Quarrels Reproaches and Railings which if they are by any means tolerable must be born with and we ought to have so much regard for our former Friendship that he that does the Injury may be more to blame than he that receives it Against all these Errors and Inconveniences there is but one caution and remedy and that is not to begin our Friendship too soon nor to misplace it upon such as do not deserve it Now those are to be look'd upon as most deserving in whom we find such good Qualities as seem to command our Affection This sort of Men as every thing that is excellent is hard to be met with and 't is very difficult to find any thing that is every way Perfect in it's kind There are a great many that will allow nothing to be Good but what is Profitable and value their Friends as Grasiers do their Cattel accordingly as they think they will turn to account Such as these want that generous and most natural Friendship which is to be desir'd of it self and for it self and never understood by any experience upon themselves how great the force and efficacy of Friendship is For a Man loves himself not because he expects any reward or return of his own Affection from himself but because every one is naturally dear to himself Now he that does not find he stands thus affected towards another can never be a true Friend for a Friend is one's other Self And since 't is evident in Birds Beasts and Fishes and all Creatures Wild or Tame First how they love themselves for this affection is born with them and next how naturally they apply themselves to others of their own kind and that with a strange tenderness and emulation as it were of Human Love we must certainly conclude that these Inclinations are much more strongly imprinted in the Heart of Man and that 't is Natural for him to Love himself and to seek some other with whom he may so mingle Souls as to unite Two into One. Yet some Ill-natur'd not to say impudent Men would have their Friends be such as they can never be themselves and expect that from them which was never done by themselves 'T is therefore necessary in the first place that the Man who would be a Friend should be a Good Man and next that he should find and fix upon one of his own disposition for then it is that the Friendship I mention'd is throughly establish'd when two Men equally affected to one another have so entirely master'd those Appetites to which the greatest part of Mankind is enslaved as to find a Pleasure in Vertue and Integrity and to delight in the mutual performance of all friendly Offices neither party desiring any thing from the other but what is fair and honest and Both having a Regard as well as a Love for each other For he that would separate Modesty from Friendship will Rob it of it's greatest Ornament 'T is a great Heresy in Friendship to think that it gives any encouragement to a loose and licentious Life For certainly a Friend was design'd by Nature for an Assistant to Vertue not for a Companion in Vice that because a solitary Vertue would be helpless and unable of her self to reach that degree of Perfection which she aims at she might be enabled by the assistance of some
Companion to obtain her desires If therefore this noble Association ever was is or can be found between any two Persons they are to be look'd upon as the best Guides to this greatest Blessing of Human Nature This this is the Society in which is to be found all that Man can wish for Vertue Honour Peace of Mind Pleasure and every solid Enjoyment that makes our Lives happy and without which they cannot be comfortable This doubtless is the highest consummation of Human Felicity and if we would attain to it we must make Vertue the means without which we can never deserve a Friend nor any thing that 's worth our wishes and which being neglected they that think they have Friends will too late find their Error when they have occasion to make use of them Therefore for I cannot repeat it too often we must Try before we Love and not Love before we Try. But as our neglect in other matters of moment is too visible so is it chiefly blameable in the choice and management of our Friendships in which many of us use very preposterous Methods and in spite of the Proverb frustrate our own designs For sometimes we suffer our selves to be so incumber'd with our own worldly concerns or engage our selves so deeply in publick affairs that upon the least distast or disappointment in them we immediately take pett and fall out with our Friends But nothing can excuse our want of Care in a matter of so great importance for Friendship is the only thing in the World concerning whose usefulness all Men agree Nay tho' Vertue it self is derided by some and passes with them for Singularity and Ostentation tho' many that content themselves with a little despise Riches tho' Honor and Greatness which inflame the Ambition of most Men are so slighted by some that nothing is thought more vain and empty and so for other things of this nature that are admir'd by some and contemn'd by others yet all Men have the same respect for Friendship the Statesman and the Philosopher the Idleman and the Man of Business nay even those that mind nothing but their Pleasures will tell you that there is no living without a Friend if you mena to live happily For Friendship runs through every Stage of our life no Age or Condition is exempt from it Nay tho' a Man were of that morose and savage disposition as to hate and shun the conversation of Mankind as we read one Timon an Athenian to have done yet that very Man can't live without some body to whom he may vent his spleen and ill nature This we should find by our own experience if it were possible for some God to take us from the Society of Men and to place us in a Solitude there supplying with all the necessities of nature and only debarring us of the power to see any of our Fellow-creatures Is there any Man of so hard a temper that he could endure such a life and to whom that Solitude would not render all Pleasures fruitless and insipid 'T was a very true Saying that which we have receiv'd from our Forefathers and they from theirs as spoken by Archytas of Tarentum that if a Man were to ascend into Heaven and there to contemplate the nature of the Universe and the beauty of the Stars all that Entertainment would be ungrateful to him which if he had a Companion to speak to would have been very acceptable and pleasant Thus we see Nature flies Solitude and seems to seek some support and assistance from without which every true Friend does with pleasure But tho' Nature by so many tokens declares what she wants and requires we stop our ears I know not how nor why and will not hearken to what she suggests Now as the usefulness of Friendship is various and manyfold so in it there are too many occasions given of suspicions and distasts all which a wise Man will avoid lessen or bear And without doubt it requires a great deal of Discretion to preserve the Truth and Faithfulness of a Friend without giving offence at some time or other For our Friends must be often admonish'd and sometimes rebuk'd both which if they are wellmeant are to be taken well But 't is too true as my friend Terence says in a Play of his call'd Andria Compliance gains Friends and Truth Enemies Truth is ungrateful because it begets Hatred which is the Bane of Friendship But Compliance is infinitly worse for that ruins a Friend by indulging him in his faults and suffers him to run headlong into destruction But he of all Men is most to blame that both hates Truth and suffers himself to be misled by Compliance In this case all possible care and diligence is to be us'd that our Admonitions be without Severity and our Reproofs without Scurrility But let our Compliance to use Terence's expression be temper'd with all Freedom and void of Flattery that Pandar to Vice which is misbecoming not only of a Friend but of a Gentleman For 't is one thing to live upon equal terms with a Friend and another thing to live under a Tyrant but he that stops his Ears against the Truth and will not hear it tho' it comes from a Friend is certainly in a desperate condition and must be given over What Cato tells us is infallibly true that some Men are more beholding to their sharpest Enemies than to their smoothest Friends for the first speak truth sometimes but the last never 'T is very absurd in most Men when they are admonished to be troubled where they should not and not to be troubled where they should For usually they are not so angry with Themselves for committing a fault as with their Friend for telling them of it whereas on the contrary they should be sorry they have Err'd and glad they are Reprov d. As therefore 't is the property of cordial Friendship mutually to admonish and to be admonish'd and as the one is to be done with all Freedom but without any Sharpness and the other to be taken with all Patience and without any murmuring so we may be sure that there is no greater Canker to Friendship than Flattery fawning and assentation This Vice has too many Names as well as Shapes and is the infallible symptom of a base deceitful temper that speaks and acts every thing out of a love to Compliance more than Truth But Dissimulation besides that 't is odious in all cases for it corrupts and destroys our Judgment is utterly inconsistent with Friendship because it is repugnant to Truth without which the name of Friendship is but taken in vain For since the End and Excellence of Friendship is to unite our minds how can that be effected where one Man has not always one and the same mind but is unsetled inconstant and inconsistent with himself What can be so flexible and slippery as his mind who conforms himself not only to the Will but even to the very Looks