you now Aud. What say I Maister Dampit I say nothing but that you are very weake Dam. Faith thou hast more cunny catching deuices then all London Aud. Why Maister Dampit I neuer deceiu'd you in al my life Dam. VVhy was that because I neuer did trust thee Aud. I care not what you say Maister Dampit Dam. Hold thy prating I answere thee thou art a beggar a queane and a bawde are you answerd Aud. Fie Maister Dampit a Gentleman and haue such words Dam. VVhy thou base drudge of infortunity thou kitchin-stuffe drab of Beggery Roguery cockscombre thou Cauerne-fed queane of foolery knauery and baudreaminy I le tell thee what I will not giue a lowse for thy fortunes Aud. No maister Dampit and there 's a Gentleman comes a wooing to me and he doubts nothing but that you will get mee from him Dam: I if I would either haue thee or lie with thee for two thousand pound would I might bee dambd why thou base impudent queane of foolery flattery and cockscombry are you answerd Aud. Come will you rise and goe to bed sir Dam. Rise and go to bed too Audry how do's Misters Proserpine Aud: Fooh Dam: She 's as fine a Philosipher of a stinkards wife as any within the liberties fah fah Audry Aud: How now Maister Dampit Dam. Fie vpon 't what a choise of stinckes here is what hast thou don Audry fie vppon 't here 's a choice of stinckes indeed giue me a glasse of fresh Beere and then I wil to bed Aud: It waites for you aboue sir Dam: Foh I thinke they burne hornes in Barnards Inne if euer I smelt such an abhominable stinck vsury forsake me Aud. They be the stincking nailes of his trampling feete and he talkes of burning of hornes Exit Incipit ACT. 4. Enter at Cole-harbour Hoord the VViddow and Gentlemen he married now 1. Ioyne hearts ioyne hands In wedlocks bands Neuer to part till death cleaue your heart You shall forsake all other women You Lords Knights Gentlemen and Yeomen What my tongue slips make vp with your lips Hoor. Giue you ioy Mistresse Hoord let the kisse come about Who knocks conuay my little Pig-eater out Luc. Hoord Hoor, Vpon my life my aduersary Gentlemen Luc. Hoord open the doore or we will force it ope Giue vs the widdow Hoor. Gentlemen keepe 'm out Lamp Hee comes vpon his death that enters here Luc. My friends assist me Hoor. Hee has assistants Gentlemen Lamp Tut nor him nor them we in this action feare Luc. Shall I in peace speake one word with the widow Curt. Husband and Gentlemen heare me but a word Hoor. Freely sweete wife Curt. Let him in peaceably you know we 're sure from any act of his Hoor. Most true Lu. You may stand by and smile at his old weakenesse let mee alone to answere him Hoo. Content T will be good mirth ifaith how thinke you Gentlemen Lamp Good gullery Hoo. Vpon calme conditions let him in Luc. All spite and malice Lamp Heare me Maister Lucre so you will vow a peacefull entrance with those your friends and onely exercize Calme conference with the widdow without fury The passage shall receiue you Enter Lucre Lu. I do vow it Lamp Then enter and talke freely here she stands Lu. Oh Maister Hoord your spite has wacht the houre your excellent at vengeance Maister Hoord Hoor Ha ha ha Luc. I am the foole you laugh at you are wise sir and knowe the seasons well come hether widdow why is it thus Oh you haue done me infinite disgrace And your owne credit no small Iniury Suffer mine enimy so dispitefully To beare you from my Nephewe oh I had rather halfe my substance had beene forfet and begd by some staru'd Raskall Curti. Why what would you wish me do sir I must not ouerthrow my state for loue We haue too many presidents for that From thousands of our welthie vndon widdowes One may deriue some wit I do confesse I lou'd your Nephew nay I did affect him Against the minde and liking of my friend Beleeu'd his promises lay here in hope Of flatterd liuing and the boast of lands Comming to touch his wealth and state indeed It appeares drosse I finde him not the man Imperfect meane scarce furnisht of his needes In words faire Lordships in performance Houills Can any woman loue the thing that is not Luc. Broke you for this Curt. Was it not cause too much Send to enquire his state most part of it Lay two yeares morgag'd in his Vncles hands Luc: Why say it did you might haue knowne my minde I could haue soone restorde it Cur. I had I but seene any such thing perform'd why t would haue tyed my affection and contaynd me in my first desires doe you thinke ifayth that I could twine such a dry oake as this had promise in your Nephew tooke effect Luc: Why and there 's no time past and rather then my aduersary should thus thw'art my hopes I would Curt. But y 'aue beene euer full of golden speech If wordes were lands your Nephew would bee rich Lu. Widdow beleeue it I vowe by my best blisse Before these Gentlemen I will giue in The morgage to my Nephew instantly Before I sleepe or eate 1. Wee le pawne our credits widdow what he speakes shall be performde in fullnesse Luc: Nay more I will estate him In farder blessings he shall be my heire I haue no Sonne I le binde my selfe to that condition Cur. When I shall heare this done I shall soone yeeld to reasonable tearmes Lu. In the meane season Will you protest before these Gentlemen To keepe your selfe as you are now at this present Curt. I do protest before these Gentlemen I will be as cleere then as I am now Lu I do beleeue you here 's your owne honest seruant I le take him along with me Cur. I with all my heart Luc: He shall see all performde and bring you word Cur. That 's all I waite for Hoo. What haue you finisht Maister Lucre ha ha ha ha Lucre So laugh Hoord laugh at your poore enimy do the winde may turne you may be laught at too yes marry may you sir ha ha ha Exeunt Hoo. Ha ha ha if euery man that swells in malice Could be reuengd as happily as I He would chuse hate and forsweare amity What did he say wife prethee Cur. Faith spoke to ease his minde Hoo. Oh o o Cur. You know now little to any purpose Hoo. True true true Cur. He would do mountaines now Hoo. I I I I Lamp Y 'aue struck him dead Master Hoord Spich. I and his Nephew desperate Hoo. I knowte sirs I Neuer did man so crush his enimy Exeunt Enter Lucre with Gentlemen meeting Sam Free-dome Lu. My sonne in lawe Sam Freedome where 's my Nephew Sam. O man in lamentation father Lu. How Sa. He thumpes his brest like a gallant Dicer that has lost his doublet and stands in 's shirt to do pennance Lu. Alasse poore gentleman
a wooing to my Neece well hee 's wise but he 's poore her Sonne comes a wooing to my Neece well hee s a foole but hee s rich 2. I marry sir 1. Pray now is not a rich foole better then a poore Philosopher 2. One would think so yfaith 1. She now remaines at London with my brother her second Vncle to learne fashions practise Musicke the voyce betweene her lips and the violl betweene her legges shee 'le bee fitt for a consort very speedily a thousand good pound is her portion if she marry wee le ride vp and be merry 3. A match if it be a match Exeunt Enter at one doore Witt-good at the other Host Wit Mine Host Host Young maister Wit-good Wit, I haue beene laying all the Towne for thee Host Why what 's the newes Bully-Hadland Witt. What Geldings are in the house of thine owne answer me to that first Host Why man why Witt. Marke mee what I say I le tell thee such a tale in thine eare that thou shalt trust mee spite of thy teeth furnish me with some money wille, nille and ride vp with mee thy selfe Contra voluntatem et profession em Host How let me see this trick and I le say thou hast more Arte then a Coniurer Wit Doost thou ioy in my aduancement Host Do I loue Sack and Ginger Wit Comes my prosperitie desiredly to thee Host Come forfeitures to a Vsurer fees to an officer punkes to an Hoste and Pigs to a Parson desiredly why then la Wit Will the report of a Widdow of foure hundred a yeare boye make thee leape and sing and dance and come to thy place agen Host Wilt thou command me now I am thy spirit coniure me into any shape Wit I ha brought her from her friends turnde backe the Horses by a slight not so much as one amongst her sixe men goodly large Yeomanly fellowes will shee trust with this her purpose by this light all vnmand regardlesse of her state neglectfull of vaine-glorious ceremonie all for my loue oh 't is a fine little voluble toung mine Hoste that wins a widdow Host No 't is a toung with a great T my boye that winnes a widdow Witt. Now sir the case stands thus good mine Host if thou lou'st my happinesse assist me Host Command all my beasts i th house Witt. Nay that 's not all neither prethee take truce with thy ioy and listen to mee thou know'st I haue a wealthy Vncle i' th Citty some-what the wealthier by my follyes the report of this fortune well and cunningly carried might be a meanes to drawe some goodnesse from the Vsuring Rascall for I haue put her in hope already of some estate that I haue eyther in land or money now if I be found true in neither what may I expect but a suddaine breach of our loue vtter dissolution of the match and confusion of my fortunes for euer Host Wilt thou but trust the managing of thy businesse with me Witt. With thee why will I desire to thriue in my purpose will I hugge foure hundred a yeare I that know the misery of nothing will that man wish a riche widdow that has nere a hole to put his head in with thee mine Hoste why beleeue it sooner with thee then with a Couy of Counsellors Host Thanke you for your good report yfaith sir and if I stand you not insteed why then let an Hoste come off Hic haec hostis a deadly enemie to Dice Drinke and Venery come where 's this widdow Witt. Hard at Parke-end Host. I le be her Seruing-man for once Witt. Why there wee let off together keepe full time my thoughts were striking then iust the same number Host. I knew 't shall we then see our merry dayes agen Witt. Our merry nights which nere shall bee more seene Exeunt Enter at seuerall doores old Lucre and old Hoord Gentlemen comming betweene them to pacifie 'em Lampr. Nay good Maister Lucre and you Maister Hoord anger is the winde which you 're both too much troubled with all Hoord Shall my aduersary thus dayly afront mee ripping vp the old wound of our malice which three Summers could not close vp into which wound the very sight of him drops scalding Lead insteed of Balsamum Luc. Why Hoord Hoord Hoord Hoord Hoord may I not passe in the state of quietnesse to mine owne house answer mee to that before witnesse and why I le referre the cause to honest euen-minded Gentlemen or require the meere indifferences of the Lawe to decide this matter I got the purchase true was 't not any mans case yes will a wise-man stand as a Bawd whilst another wipes his nose of the bargaine no I answer no in that case Lampr. Nay sweet Maister Lucre Hoord Was it the part of a friend no rather of a Iew marke what I say when I had beaten the bush to the last bird or as I may terme it the price to a pound then like a cunning Vsurer to come in the euening of the bargaine and gleane all my hopes in a minute to enter as it were at the back-doore of the purchase for thou nere camst the right way by it Luc. Hast thou the conscience to tell mee so without any impeachment to thy selfe Hoord Thou that canst defeate thy owne Nephew Lucre lap his lands into bonds and take the extremity of thy kindreds forfeitures because hee 's a rioter a wast-thrift a brothell-maister and so forth what may a Stranger expect from thee but Vulnera delacerata as the Poet sayes delacerate dealing Luc. Vpbraidst thou me with Nephew is all imputation laid vpon me what acquaintance haue I with his follyes if hee riott 't is hee must want it if hee surfet 't is hee must feele it if he Drab it 't is he must lye by 't what 's this to me Hoord What 's all to thee nothing nothing such is the gulfe of thy desire and the Wolfe of thy conscience but be assured old pecunious lucre if euer fortune so blesse me that I may be at leisure to vexe thee or any meanes so fauour me that I may haue oportunitie to mad thee I will pursue it with that flame of hate that spirit of malice vnrepressed wrath that I will blast thy comforts Lu. Ha ha ha Lamp Nay maister Hoord you 're a wise Gentleman Hoord I will so crosse thee Luc. And I thee Hoord So without mercy fret thee Luc. So monstrously oppose thee Hoord Doost scoffe at my iust anger oh that I had as much power as vsury ha's ouer thee Luc. Then thou wouldst haue as much power as the deuill ha's ouer thee Hoord Toade Luc. Aspick Hoord Serpent Luc. Viper Spi. Nay Gentlemen then we must diuide you perforce Lamp When the fire growes too vnreasonable hotte ther 's no better way then to take of the wood Exeunt Manet Sam and Monyloue Sam. A word good Signior Mony How now what 's the newes Sam. 'T is giuen mee to vnderstand that you are a riuall
purpose fit the spend-thrift is abroad Assist me here she comes now my sweete widdow Cur. Y are wellcome Maister Hoord Hoo. Dispatch sweet Gentlemen dispatch I am come widdow to proue those my words Neither of enuy Sprung nor of false tongs But such as their desarts and Actions Doe merit and bring forth all which these Gentlemen well knowne and better reputted will confesse Cur. I cannot tell How my affections may dispose of me But surely if they find him so desartlesse They le haue that reason to with-draw them-selues And therefore Gentlemen I doe entreat you As you are faire in Reputation And in appearing forme so shine in truth I am a widdow and alasse you knowe Soone ouerthowen t is a very small thing That we with-stand our weakenes is so great Be partiall vnto neither but deliuer Without affection your opinion Hoo. And that will driue it home Cur Nay I beseech your silence Maister Hoord You are a party Ho. Widdow not a word 1. The better first to worke you to beleife Know neither of vs owe him flattery Nor tother malice but vnbribed censure So helpe vs our best fortunes Cur. It suffizes 1. That Wit-good is a riotous vndon man Imperfect both in fame and in estate His debts welthier then he and executions In waite for his due body we 'ele maintayne With our best credit and our deerest bloud Curt. Nor land nor liuing say you pray take heede you do not wrong the Gentleman 1. What we speake Our liues and meanes are ready to make good Cur. Alasse how soone are wee poore soules beguild 2. And for his Vncle Ho. Let that come to me His Vncle a seuere extortioner A Tyrant at a forfeiture greedy of others miseries One that would vndo his brother nay swallowe Vp his father if he can Within the fadomes of his conscience 1. Nay beleeue it widdow You had not onely matcht your selfe to wants But in an euill and vnnaturall stocke Hoo. Follow hard Gentlemen follow hard Curt. Is my loue so deceau'd before you all I do renounce him on my knees I vow He nere shall marry mee Wit Heauen knowes hee neuer meant it Hoo. There take her at the bound 1. Then with a new and pure affection Behold you Gentleman graue kinde and rich A match worthy your selfe esteeming him You do regard your state Hoo. I le make her a ioynture say 1. Hee can ioyne land to land and will possesse you of what you can desire 2. Come widdow come Curt. The world is so deceitfull 1. There t is deceitfull Where flattery want and imperfection lies But none of these in him push Curt. Pray sir 1. Come you widdowes are euer most back-ward when you should doe your selues most good but were it to marry a chin not worth a haire now then you would bee forward ynough come clap hands a match Hoo. With all my heart widdow thankes Gentlemen I will deserue your labour and thy loue Cur. Alasse you loue not widdowes but for wealth I promise you I ha nothing sir Hoo. Well said widdowe well said thy Loue is all I seeke before these Gentlemen Cur. Now I must hope the best Hoo. My ioyes are such they want to be exprest Cur. But Maister Hoord one thing I must remember you of before these gentlemen your friends how shall I suddainly auoyde the loathed Solleciting of that periurd Wit-good and his Tedious dissembling Vncle who this very uery day hath appointed a meeting for the same purpose too where had not truth come forth I had beene vndon vtterly vndon Hoo What thinke you of that Gentlemen 1. T was well deuized Hoo. Harke thee widdow trayne out yong Wit-good single hasten him thether with thee somewhat before the hower where at the place appointed these Gentlemen and my selfe wil waite the opportunity when by some slieght remouing him from thee we 'le suddenly enter and surprise thee carry thee away by boate to Coale-harbour haue a Priest ready and there Clap it vp instantly how lik'st it widdow Cur. In that it pleaseth you it likes me well Hoo. I le kisse thee for those words come Gentlemen Still must I liue a Suiter to your fauours Still to your aide beholding 1. We 're engaged sir T is for our credits now to see 't well ended Hoo. T is for your honors Gentlemen nay looke toote Not onely in ioy but I in wealth excell No more sweet widdow but sweete wife farwell Cur. Farwell sir Exeunt Enter Wit-good Wit Oh for more scope I could laugh eternally Giue you ioye Mistres Hoord I promise your fortune was good forsooth y 'aue fell vpon wealth ynough and there 's young Gentlemen enow can helpe you to the rest now it requires our wits carry thy selfe but heedfully now and wee are both Host Maister Wit-good your Vncle Enter Lucre Wit Cuds me remoue thy selfe a while I le serue for him Luc. Nephew good morrow Nephew Wit The same to you kinde Vncle Luc. How fares the widdow do's the meeting hold Wit Oh no question of that sir Luc. I le strike the stroake then for thee no more daies Wit The sooner the better Vncle oh shee 's mightily followed Lucre And yet so little rumourd Wit Mightily here comes one old Gentleman and hee le make her a ioynture of three hundred a yeare forsooth another welthy suiter wil estate his sonne in his life time and make him weigh downe the widdow here a Merchants sonne wil possesse her with no lesse then three goodly Lordships at once which were all pawnes to his Father Luc. Peace Nephew let mee heare no more of e'm it mads mee thou shalt preuent e'm all no words to the widdow of my comming hether let mee see t is now vpon nine before twelue Nephew we will haue the bargaine struck wee will faith boye Wit Oh my pretious Vncle Exit Hoord and his Neece Hoo. Neece sweete Neece prethee haue a care to my house I leaue al to thy discretion be content to dreame a while I le haue a husband for thee shortly put that care vpon me wench for in choosing wiues and husbands I am onely fortunate I haue that gift giuen me Exit Neece But t is not likely you should chuse for me Since Nephew to your cheifest enimy Is he whome I affect but oh forgetfull Why dost thou flatter thy affections so With name of him that for a widdowes bed Neglects thy purer loue can in be so Or do's report dissemble how now sir Geo. A letter with which came a priuate charge Nee. Therein I thanke your care I knowe this hard Reades Deerer then sight what the world reports of me yet beleeue not rumour will alter shortly be thou constant I am still the same that I was in loue and I hope to be the same in fortunes Theodorus Wit-good I am resolude no more shall feare or doubt Raise their pale powers to keepe affection out Exit Enter with a Drawer Hoord and two Gentlemen Dra. You 're very
a word sir what will you carry me to that widdow now 1. Why do you thinke we were in earnest yfaith carry you to a rich widdow wee should get much credit by that a noted Rioter a contemptible prodigall t was a Trick we haue amongst vs to get in our mony fare you well sir Exeunt Wit Farewell and be hangd you short-pig-hayrde Ram-headed raskalls he that beleeues in you shall nere be sau'd I warrant him by this new league I shall haue some accesse vnto my loue She is aboue Neece Maister Wit-good Wit My life Neec. Meete me presently that note directs you I would not be suspected our happinesse attends vs farewell Exeunt Wit A words ynough Dampit the Vsurer in his bed Audry spinning by Song Let the Vsurer cram him in interest that excell There 's pits enow to dam him before he comes to hell In Holborne some in Fleete-street some Where ere he come there 's some there 's some Dam. Trahe traheto drawe the Curtaine giue mee a sippe of Sack more Enter Gentlemen Lamp Looke you did not I tell you he lay like the deuill in chaines when he was bound for a thousand yeare Spich. But I thinke the deuill had no steele Bedstaffes he goes beyond him for that Lamp Nay doe but marke the conceite of his drincking one must wipe his mouth for him with a muckinder do you see sir Spich. Is this the sick trampler why he is onely bed-red with drincking Lamp True sir he spies vs Dam: What sir Tristram you come and see a weake man here a very weake man Lamp If you be weake in body you should be strong in prayer sir Dam: Oh I haue pray'd too much poore man Lamp There 's a tast of his soule for you Spich. Fah loathsome Lamp I come to borrow a hundred pound of you sir Dam: Alasse you come at an ill time I cannot spare it ifayth I ha but two thousand i th house Aud. Ha ha ha Damp: Out you gernatiue queane the mullipood of villany the Spinner of concupiscency Enter other Gentleman Lan. Yee gentlemen are you here before vs how is hee now Lamp Faith the same man still the Tauerne bitch has bit him i th head Lan Wee shall haue the better sport with him peace and how cheeres Maister Dampit now Dam: Oh my bosome sir Lancelot how cheere I thy presence is restoratiue Lan: But I heare a great complaint of you Maister Dampit among gallants Dam: I am glad of that ifayth prethee what Lan They say you are waxte proud alate and if a friend visit you in the after-noone you 'le scarce know him Dam. Fie fie proud I cannot remember any such thing sure I was drunck then Lan Thinke you so sir Dam: There t was ifayth nothing but the pride of the Sack and so certifie e'm fetch Sack sirrah Boy A vengeance Sack you once Aud. Why Maister Dampit if you hold on as you begin and lie a little longer you neede not take care how to dispose your wealth you 'le make the Vintner your heire Damp: Out you babliaminy you vnfetherd cremitoryed queane you cullisance of scabiosity Aud. Good words Maister Dampit to speake before a maide and a virgin Dam: Hang thy virginity vpon the pole of carnality Aud. Sweete tearmes my Mistris shall know e'm Lam Note but the misery of this vsuring slaue here hee lies like a noysome dunghill full of the poyson of his druncken blasphemies and they to whome he bequeathes all grudge him the very meate that feedes him the very pillow that eases him here may a vsurer behold his end what profits it to be a slaue in this world and a deuil i th next Damp: Sir Lancelot let me busse thee sir Lancelot thou art the onely friend that I honor and respect Lan. I thanke you for that Maister Dampit Dam. Farewell my bosome sir Lancelot Lan. Gentlemen and you loue mee let mee step behinde you and one of you fall a talking of me to him Lamp Content Maister Dampit Dam. So sir Lamp Here came sir Lancelot to see you e'en now Dam. Hang him raskall Lam. Who sir Lancelot Dam. Pythagoricall raskall Lam. Pythagoricall Dam. I he changes his cloake when he meetes a Sergiant Lan. What a rogues this Lam. I wonder you can raile at him sir he comes in loue to see you Dam. A louse for his loue his father was a Combe-maker I haue no neede of his crawling loue hee comes to haue longer day the superlatiue raskall Lan: Sfoote I can no longer endure the rogue Maister Dampit I come to take my leaue once agen sir Dam. Who my deere and kinde Sir Lancelot the onely Gentleman of England let me hug thee farewell and a thousand Lam. Composde of wrongs and slauish flatteries Lan. Nay Gentlemen he shall show you more Tricks yet I le giue you another tast of him Lam. I' st possible Lan. His memory is vpon departing Dam. Another cup of Sack Lan. Masse then t will be quite gon before he drinke that tell him there 's a cuntry client come vp and here attends for his Learned aduice Lam. Inough Dam. One Cup more and then let the Bell toale I hope I shall be weake inough by that time Lam. Maister Dampit Dam. Is the Sack spouting Lam. T is comming forward sir here 's a countryman a client of yours waytes for your deepe and profound aduice sir Dam. A cockscombry where is he let him approch set me vp a pegge higher Lam. You must draw nere sir Dam. Now good-man fooleaminy what say you to me now Lan. Please your good worship I am a poore man sir Dam. What make you in my Chamber then Lan. I would entreate your worships deuice in a iust and honest cause sir Dam. I meddle with no such matters I refer e'm to Maister No-mans Office Lan. I had but one house left me in all the world sir which was my fathers my Grand-fathers my great Grandfathers and now a Villaine has vniustly wrung me out and tooke possession out Dam. Has he such feates thy best course is to bring thy eiectione firme and in Seauen yeare thou mayst shoue him out by the Law Lan. Alasse an t please your worship I haue small friends and lesse mony Dam. Hoyda this geere will fadge well hast no money why then my aduice is thou must set fire at h house so get him out Lam That will breake strife indeed Lan. I thanke your worship for your hot Counsell sir altring but my voyce alitle you see he knew me not you may obserue by this that a drunkards memory holds longer in the voyce then in the person but Gentlemen shall I show you a sight behold the litle diue-dapper of Damnation Gulfe the vsurer for his time worse then tother Enter Hoord with Gulf. Lam. What 's he comes with him Lan. Why Hoord that maried lately the widdowe medler Lam. Oh I cry you mercy sir Hoo. Now gentlemen visitants how dos maister Dampit Lan.