help of some other friend yet he perswades himself it is a work of his own framing and this breeds him new cares and troubles for then must he trot up and down day and night far and near to get with great cost that his wife longs for if she let fall but a pin he is diligent to take it up lest she by stooping should hurt her self She on the other side is so hard to please that it is a great hap when he fits her humour in bringing home that which likes her though he spare no pains nor cost to get it And oft times through ease and plenty she grows so queasie stomacht that she can brook no common meats but long for strange and rare things which whether they be to be had or no yet she must have them there is no remedy She must have Cherries though for a pound he pay ten shillings or green Pescods at four nobles a peck yea he must take a horse and ride into the Countrey to get her green Codlings when they are scarce so big as a scotch button In this trouble and vexation of mind and body lives the silly man for six or seven moneths all which time his wife doth nothing but complain and he poor soul takes all the care rising early going late to bed and to be short is fain to play both the husband and the huswife But when the time draws near of her lying down then must he trudge to get Gossips such as she will appoint or else all the fat 's in the fire Consider then what cost and trouble it will be to him to have all things fine against the Christning day what store of Sugar Biskets Comphets and Caraways Marmalet and Marchpane with all kind of sweet suckets and superfluous banquetting stuff with a hundred other odd and needless trifles which at that time must fill the pockets of dainty dames Besides the charge of the Midwife she must have her nurse to attend and keep her who must make for her warm broths and costly cawdels enough both for her self and her mistress being of the mind to fare no worse than she If her mistress be fed with partridge plover woodcocks quails or any such like the nurse must be partner with her in all these dainties neither yet will that suffice but during the whole month she privily pilfers away the sugar the nutmegs and ginger with all other spices that comes under her keeping putting the poor man to such expence that in a whole year he can scarcely recover that one moneths charges Then every day after her lying down will sundry dames visit her which are her neighbors her kinswomen and other her special acquaintance whom the good man must welcome with all cheerfulness and be sure there be some dainties in store to set before them where they about some three or four hours or possibly half a day will sit chatting with the Childwife And by that time the cups of wine have merrily trold about and half a dozen times moistned their lips with the sweet juyce of the purple grape They begin thus one with another to discourse Good Lord neighbor I marvel how our Gossip Frees doth I have no seen the good soul this many a day Oh God help her quoth another for she hath her hands full of work and her heart full of heaviness While she drudges all the week at home her husband like an unthrift never leaves running abroad to the Tennis court and dicing houses spending all that ever he hath in such lewd sort yea and if that were the worst it is well but hear you Gossip there is another matter spoils all he cares no more for his wife than for a dog but keeps queanes even under her nose Iesu faith another who would think he were such a man he behaves himself to orderly and civilly to all mens sights Tush hold your peace Gossip saith the other it is commonly seen the still sow eats up all the draff he carries a sooth countenance but a corrupt conscience That I know F. well enough I will not say he loves mistress G. go too Gossip I drink to you Yea and saith another there goes foul lies if G. himself loves not his maid N. I can tell you their mouths will not be stopt with a bushel of wheat that speak it Then the third fetching a great sigh saying by my troth such another bold Bettress have I at home for never give me credit Gossip if I took her not the other day in close conference with her Master but I think I beswadld my maid in such sort that she will have small lift to do so again Nay Gossip saith another had it been to mee that should not have served her turn but I would have turned the quean out of doors to pick a Sallet for wot you what Gossip It is ill setting fire and flax together but I pray you tell me one thing when saw you our friend Mistress C. Now in good sooth she is a kind creature and a very gentle Peat I promise you I saw her not since you and I drank a pint of Wine with her in the fish market O Gossip saith another there is a great change since that time for they have been fain to pawn all that ever they have and yet God knows her husband lies in prison O the passion of my heart saith another is all their great and glorious shew come to nothing good Lord what a world is this Why Gossip saith another it was never like to be otherwise for they loved ever to go fine and fair daintily and by my faith Gossip this is not a world for those matters and thereupon I drink to you This is commonly their communication where they find chear according to their choyce But if it happen contrary that they find not things in such plenty and good order as they would wish then one or other of them will talk to this effect Trust me gossip I marvell much and so do all our other friends that your Husband is not ashamed to make so small account of you and this your sweet child if he be such a niggard at the first what will he be by that time he hath five or six it doth well appear he bears but little love to you whereas your vouchsafing to match with him hath done him more credit than ever had any of his kindred Before God saith another I had rather see my husbands eyes our then he should serve me so therefore if you be wise use him not to it neither in this sort let him tread you under foot I tell you it is a foul shame for him and you may be well assured sith he begins thus that hereafter he will use you in the same order if not worse In good sooth saith the third it seems very strange to me that a wise woman and one of such parentage as you are who as all men konws is by blood far his
The good man hereof being not a little proud bids them make a good fire in his wives chamber charging them to tend her well And having given this direction he gets himself to supper with some cold meat set before him such as the Gossips left or his Nurse could spare and having this short pittance he goes to hed full of care The next morning he gets him up betimes and comes very kindly to know how his wife doth who presently pops him in the mouth with a smooth lye saying that all night she could take no rest till it grew towards the morning and then she began to feel a little more ease when God knows she never slept more soundly in all her life Well wife said the good man you must remember that this night is our gossips supper and they will come hither with many other of our friends therefore we must provide some good thing for them especially because it is your upsitting and a fortnight at least since you were brought to bed but good wife let us go as near to the World as we may seeing that our great charge doth every day increase and mony was never so ill to come by She hearing him say so begins to pout saying would for my part I had died in travel and my poor infant been strangled in the birth so should you not be troubled with us at all nor have cause to repine so much at our spending I am sure there is never a woman in the world that in my case hath worse keeping or is less chargeable yet let me pinch and spare and do what I can all is thought too much that I have Trust me I care not a straw whether you provide me any thing or no although the sorrow be mine the shame will be yours as yesterday for example I am sure here came in above a dozen of our neighbours and friends of meer kindness to see me and know how I did who by their countenance and comming did you greater credit then you deserve But God knows what entertainment they had having nothing in the house to set before them which made me so much ashamed that I knew not what to say I tell you what before God I may boldly speak it for I have seen it that when any one of them lies in their very servants have better fare then I my self have had at your hands which they seeing betwixt themselves yesterday when they where here did most cunningly flout both you and me for their entertainment I have not as you know lien in above fifteen days can yet scant stand on my legs and you think the time too long till I be moyling about the house to catch my bane as I fear I have done already Believe me wife quoth he you mistake me greatly for no man in the world can be more kind to his wife then I have done already Kind to me quoth she by the masse that you have with a murren no doubt but I have had a sweet messe of cherishing at your hands but I see your drift well enough you gape every day for my death and I would to God it were so for me the month end is half expired and I fear the rest will come before we be ready for it my sister S. was here no longer ago then to day and askt if I had ever a new Goun to be Churched in but God wot I am far enough from it neither do I desire it though it be a thing which ought both by reason custome to be observed And because it is your pleasure I will rise to morrow what chance so euer befall for the worst is I can but lose my life full well may I gather by this how you will use me hereafter and what recount you would make of me if I had nine or ten Children but God forbid it should ever come to pass I desire rather to be rid of my life and to shun the shame of the world than long to live with such an unkind churl Now verily wife saith the good man I must needs blame your impatience for growing so cholerick without cause Without cause quoth she do you think I have no just cause to complain I will assure you there is never a woman of my degree that would put up the intolerable injuries that I have done daily do by means of your hoggish conditions Well wife saith the good man Fox â—at â—apes ly as long as you list and rise when you will but I pray you tel me how this new Gown may be had which you so earnestly ask for By my faith quoth she you say not well for I ask nothing at your hands neither would I have it though I might I thank God I have gowns enough already sufficient to serve my turn you know I take no delight in garish attire for I am past a girle but it makes me smile to see what a shew of kindness you would fain make Fie on thee dissembler you can cog and flatter as well as any man in this Town and full little think they that see you abroad what a Devil you are at home for what with your crooked qualities with toyling moyling carking and caring and being beside broken with Child bearing my countenance is quite changed so that I look already as withered 〈…〉 as the bark of an Elder bough There is my cousin T. T. who when I was a little girle was at a womans estate and in the end married master H. with whom she leads a Ladies life looking so young and lusty that I may seem to be her mother I I such is the difference betwixt a kind and an uncourteous husband and who knows not but he was a suter to me made many a jourdey to my fathers house for my sake and would so fain have had me that while I was to marry he would not match himself with any but so much was I bewitch'd that after I had once seen you I would not have changed for the best Lord in the Land and this I have in recompence of my love and loyalty Go to wife saith he I pray you leave these lavish speeches and let us all call to mind where we may best take up cloth for your gown for you see such is our weak estate that if we should rashly lay out that little money which is in the house we might possibly be unprovided for all other necessaries therefore whatsoever should chance hereafter it is best to keep something against a rainy day And again you know within these eight or nine days I have five pound to pay to master P. which must be done there is no shift otherwise I am like to sustain treble dammage Tush quoth she what talke you to me of these matters alas I ask you nothing I would to God I were once rid of this trouble I pray you let me take some rest for my head akes God help me
nothing else to do but drudge about to prepare banquets for his companions he should have come himself with a vengeance and why did he not Foorsooth saith the servant I know not but thus he bad me tell you Go too saith she you are a knave that meddles in more matters then you have thank for The poor fellow hearing this holds his peace she in a fume flings up into her chamber and which is worse sends out her servants some one way some another as for his maids they have their lesson taught them well enough knowing by custome how to behave themselves to weary their Master well he comes home with his afore said friends calls presently for some of his servants but one of the maids makes answer of whom he demands whether all things be ready In good faith Sir my Mistress is very sick and here is no body else can do any thing with that he being angry leads his friends into the Hall or some other place according to his estate where he finds neither fire made nor cloath laid Iudge then in what a taking he is although it may be that his friends perceived by the sending of his man that his commandments were not of such force as an act of Parliament The good man being ashamed cals and gapes first for one man then for another and yet for all this there comes none except it be the scullion or some chare-woman that doth use his house whom his wife hath left there of purpose because she knew they could serve to do nothing Being herewith not a little moved up he goes into his wives chamber and thus he speaks unto her Gods precious woman why have you not done as I will'd ye Why saith he you appoint so many things to be done that I know not what to do Before God saith he and â—ith that he scratches his head you have done me a greater displeasure than you think these are the dearest friends that I have and now here is nothing to set before them Why quoth she what would you have me to do I wis if you cast your care well you shall find that we have no need to make banquets I would to God you were wiser but sith you will needs be so lusty even goe throw with it your self on Gods name for I le not meddle with it But what the Devil mean ye saith he to send all the servants abroad Why quoth she what did I know that you will need them now yet did she know it well enough and had of purpose sent them forth on sleevelese errands the more to anger and dispight him who seeing that he can prevail nothing gives over talking to her and gets him down in a bitter chafe for it may be that his guests be of such account and he so much beholding unto them that he had rather have spent an hundred crowns than it should so have fallen out But she cares not a whit being well assured that howsoever she thwarts him he will hold his hands and in scolding she knows her self to be the better To be short the poor man being vexed with shame and anger runs up and down the house gets as many of his servants together as he can If his provision be but slender at home he sends presently abroad in the mean while he calls for a clean towel the best table-cloth and wrought napkins But the maid answers him that he can have none Then up to his wife goes he again and tells her that her friends do intreat her to come down and bear them company shewing her what a shame it is and how discourteously they would take it if she come not And finally he useth all the fairest speeches that he can to have her come and to welcome and entertain them for his credits sake Nay in faith quoth she I will not come they are too great states for my company and no doubt they would scorn a poor woman as I am It may be she will go but in such sort and with such a countenance that it had been better for him she had not come at all for his friends will somewhat perceive by her looks and gesture that howsoever they be welcome to the good man she had rather have their room than their company But if she refuse to come as it is the more likely then will he ask her for the best towel table-cloth and napkins Napkins quoth she as though those that be abroad already be not good enough for greater and better men than they are when my brother or any of my kinsmen come which are I wis their equals in every respect they can be contented to be served with them but were these your guests never so great yet could I not now fulfill your request though my life should lie on it for since morning I have lost my keys of the great chest where all the linnen lies I pray you bid the maid look for them for in good truth I know not what I have done with them 〈…〉 and no marvel for I have so much to do that I know not how to bestir my self well I wot I have spoyled my self with continual care and trouble Now in good faith quoth he you have drest me fairly but it is no matter Before God I le break open the Chest Now surely then quoth she you shall do a great act I would fain see you do it I would for my part you would break all the Chests in the house The poor man hearing her in these tearms knows not well what to do but takes that which he next lights on and therefore shifts as well as he can he causeth his guests to sit down at the table and because the beer then abroach is on tilt and therefore not very good he bids one of the servants broach a new barrell and fill some fresh drink but then there is neither tap nor spigger to be found for his wife of purpose had hidden them out of the way Towards the end of the dinner he calls for cheese and fruit but there is none in the house so that he is â—ain to send to his neighbours for the same or else be utterly destitute mean while his boy being at the table with the guests at last tells them how his Mistress fains her self sick because she is not pleased with their Masters coming Well when bed time comes he can get no clean sheets nor pillowbeers because for sooth the kepes are lost so that they must be content to lie in those that be foul and have been long lain in The next morning they get them gone betimes seeing by the good wives countenance that they are nothing welcome By the way their lackies tell them what the Gentlemans boy reported whereat they laught heartily yet find themselves agrieved vowing never to be his guest any more The husband also getting him up betimes in the morning goes presently to his wife and thus begins By Iesus wife
who answers not a word but alas for pitty like an undutiful servant leaves her at her greatest need She therefore good woman seeing that she is forsaken saith with a sigh Ah me I am betrayed then begin they a stout battell hee urging his advantage she faintly resisting but alas what can a naked woman do against a resolute lover there is therefore no other remedy but that at length poor soul being out of breath with striving she must needs yield to the stronger she would fain have cryed out God wot had it not been for fear of discredit for thereby her name might have been brought in question therefore all things considered she doth willingly God knows let him supply her husbands place garnishing his Temples for pure good will with Acteons badge Thus hath she got a new gown which her good man refused to give her to blear whose eyes and keep him from suspition she gets her mother in her husbands sight to bring home the cloath and give it her as though it were her cost lest also he should suspect any thing she makes her believe she bought it with the money she got by selling old commodities which her husband knew not of But it may be and oft it happens so that the mother is privy to the whole matter and a furtherer thereof After this gown she must have another and too or three gold imbroidered girdles and other such costly knacks which the husband seeing will in the end suspect somewhat and begin to doubt of his wives honesty or shall perhaps receive some advertisement thereof from some friend or kinsman for no such matter can be long kept close but in the end will by some means or other be made known and discovered Then falls he into a frantick vein of jealousie watching his Wives close packing and for the better finding it out hee comes home on a sudden about midnight thinking then to discover all and yet perhaps may misse his purpose Another time coming in at unawares he seeth something that he likes not and then in a fury falls on railing but be sure that she answers him home not yeilding an inch unto him for besides the advantage of the fight which is waged by her own trusty weapon her tongue I mean she knowing withall that she is of better birth hits him in the taeth therewith and threatens him to tell her friends how badly he doth use her To be short the poor man shall never have good day with her but either with thought of her incontinency or if he speak to her he is born down with scolding lyes and despised of his own servants his state runs to ruine his health decayes his body dryes up and wears away with grief he growes desperate and careless Thus is he plunged in Lobs pound wearied in a world of discontents wherein notwithstanding he takes delight having no desire to change his state but rather if he were out and knew what would follow yet would he never rest till he had gotten in again there to spend and end as now he must his life in grief and misery CHAP. VI. The humour of a woman that strives to master her husband THe next humour whereunto a woman is addicted is when the husband hath got a fair young wife who is proper and fine in whom he takes great delight yet perhaps she is bent all together to crosse and thwart the man being of a kind and mild nature loving her intirely maintains her as well as he can notwithstanding her frowardness it may be also that she hath care of his credit and honesty and doth abhor such lewdnesse as she of whom we speak before did use yet hath she neverthelesse an extream desire of Soveraignty which is known a common fault amongst women and to be her husbands commander a busie medler in his matters be he a Iudge a Nobleman or Gentleman she will take upon her to give sentence and answer sutors and whatsoever she doth he must stand to it This is I say a generall imperfection of women be they never so honestly never so kindly used and have never so much wealth and ease to strive for the breeches and be in odde contrary humours of purpose to keep her husband in continuall thought and care how to please her He gets him up betimes in the morning leaving her in bed to take her ease while he stirs about the house and dispatcheth his businesse look to the servants that they loyter not causeth dinner to be made ready the cloth to be laid and when all things are ready he sends one to desire her to come down who brings back answer that she is not disposed to dine Nay saith he I will never sit down nor eat a bit till she be here So receiving his second message by his maid or perhaps by one of his children replies thus Go tell him again that I will not dine to day He hearing this is not yet satisfied but sends likewise the third time and in the end goes himself and thus begins How now what ails you Wife that you will eat no meat hereto she answers not a word The poor man marvells to see her in this melancholy dump although perhaps she hath plaid this pageant many times before and useth all intreaty he may to know of her the cause thereof but in vain for indeed there is no cause at all but onely a meer mockery Sometimes she wil persist so obstinately in this humour that for all the perswasions and kindnesse that he can use she will not come Sometimes it may be she will and then he must lead her by the hand like a Bride and set her chair ready for her mean while it is so long before he can get her down that the meat is cold when it comes to the table Being set she will not eat one bit and he seeing that like a kind Asse will fall likewise whereat she smiles inwardly having brought him so to her bow first in crossing him then in making him fast from dinner wherein to say the truth she hath reason for what needs a woman to seek his favour who doth already love her and shew her all the kindnesse that he can Sometimes the good man riding abroad about his businesse meets with two or three of his friends with whom perhaps he hath some dealings and hath been long acquainted with them It may be also that he invites them home to his house as one friend will do to another and sends his man before to his wife to make all things ready in the best sort that she can for their entertainment the poor serving-man gallops in such haste that both himself and his borse is all on a sweat when he comes home he doth his errand to his Mistress telling her withall that the guests which his master brings are men of good account Now by my faith saith she I will not meddle in it he thinks belike that I have
I muse what you mean to use me thus I know not how to live with you Then she replies saying Now God for his mercy and I so troublesome Got wot I am every day poor soul troubled with keeping the hogs your Geese your chickens I must card I must spin and continually keep the house look to the servants and never fit still but toyling up and down to shorten my days and make me dye before my time and yet I cannot have one hours rest or quietness with you but you are always brawling and do nothing your self but spend and waste your goods and mine with odde companions What odde companions saith he as though you know not that these are such men as can either much further or much hinder me It is a signe that you deal very well that you must stand in distress of such persons Hereupon she takes occasion to rail and scold all the day long the man being wearied with her wawardness and age being hasted with grief and sorrow doth unawares overtake him Briefly he is in every respect wretched but such is his folly that he reckons his pains pleasure and would not though he might be again at liberty out of Lobs pound or if he would it is now too late for he must of force continue there in care thought and misery till death make an end of him and them together CHAP. VII The humour of a covetous minded Woman THe next humour belonging to a woman is when the Husband is matched to a modest civil woman who is nothing given to that thwarting and crossing humour whereof I spake before But be she good or bad this is a general rule many wives hold and stedfastly believe that their own Husbands are worst of all others It oft happens that when they match together they are both young and entertain each other with mutual delights so much as may be for a year or two or longer till the vigour of youth grow cold But the woman droops not so soon as the man the reason whereof is because she takes no care thought nor grief breaks not her sleep and troubles not her head as he doth but doth wholly addict her thoughts to pleasure and solace I deny not that when a woman is with child she bides many times great pains and is often very ill at ease and at the time of her deliverance she is for the most part not onely in exceeding pain but also in no less danger of death But all this is nothing to the husbands troubles on whose hands alone doth rest the whole charge and weight of maintaining the house and dispatching all matters which is oftentimes intangled so with controversies and so thwarted with cross fortune that the poor man is tormented with all vexations of mind Being thus wearyed and as it were worn away with continual grief troublous cogitations toyl and travel he hath no mind on any other pleasure whereas she on the other side is as lusty as ever she was mean while his stock decays and his state grows worse and worse and as that diminisheth so he must perforce shorten her allowance and maintenance which is almost as great a Corrosive to her as the former You may be well assured that this change in him makes her also change her countenance from mirth and cheerfulness to lowring melancholy seeking occasions of disagreements and use them in such sort that their former love and kindness was not so great as are now their brawls jars and discords It doth also oftentimes happen that the Woman by this means wasis and consumes all giving lewdly away her husbands goods which he with great pains and cares hath gotten The good man he goes every way as near as he can and wearily contains himself within his bounds casting up what his yearly revenues are or what his gains is by his profession be it merchandise or other and then what his expences be which he finding greater then his comings in begins to bite the lip and becomes very pensive his wife and he being afterwards private together in their chamber he speaks thereof unto her in this manner In faith wife I much marvel how it comes to pass that our goods go away thus I know not how I am sure I am as carefull as man can be I cannot find in my heart to bestow a new cloak on my self and all to save money By my troth Husband saith she I do as much marvel at it as you I am sure for mine own part that I go as near in house-keeping every day as I can To be short the poor man not doubting his wife nor suspecting her ill carriage after long care and thought concludes that the cause thereof is his own ill fortune which keeps him down and crosseth all his actions with contrary successe but it may be that in processe of time some friend of his being more clear fighted in the matter perceiving all goes not will doth privily inform him thereof who being astonished at his report gets him home with a beavy countenance which the wife seeing and knowing her self guilty begins presently to doubt the worst and perhaps ghesseth shrewdly at the author thereof but howsoever she will take such an order that she will be sure to escape the brunt well enough The good man will not presently make any words hereof unto her but defer it a while and try in the mean time whether he can of himselfe gather any further likelihood for which purpose he will tell her that he must needs ride some ten or twelve miles out of Town about some earnest businesse Good faith husband saith she I had rather you would send your man and stay at home your self Not so wife saith he but I will be at home again my self within these three or four days Having told her this tale he makes as though he took his journey but doth privily lie in ambush in such a place where he may know whatsoever is done in the house But she smelling his drift sends word to her sweet-heart that he doe not come in any case and all the time of his desembled absence she carries her self so that it gives no likelihood of suspition which the silly man seeing comes out of his ambush enters his house making as if then he were returned from his journey And whereas before he lowred now shews a cheerful countenance being verily perswaded that his friends report is a meer lye and that he thinks so much the rather because she doth at his coming run to meet him with such a shew of love and doth so imbrace and kisse him that it seems impossible so kind a creature should play false But long after being in bed together he thus speaks to her Wife I have heard reported certain words that like me not Good faith husband saith she I know not what is the cause thereof I have noted this great while that you have bin very pensive was afraid that you had