PASQVILS IESTES Mixed with Mother Bunches Merriments Whereunto is added a Bakers doozen of Gulles Very prettie and pleasant to driue away the tediousnesse of a Winters EVENING Newly Corrected with new Additions LONDON Printed for Iohn Browne and are to be sold at his Shop in Saint Dunstones Church-yard in Fleetestreete 1609. PASQVILS IESTES And Mother BVNCHES Merriments A merrie Iest of a Blind man and a Cripple THere were two Beggers I meane not of the Court but meaner creatures of the Citie that had no meanes to kéepe life and limbes together but by the charitable almes of exorable people the one being youthfull and blind the other very aged and lame and such persons are seldome admitted into the great chamber much lesse into the Kings presence This blindman alwaies when he went abroad carried the cripple on his shoulders to direct him so likewise the cripple opprest with his infirmities could not trauell without supportance Now it was the lame mans lucke one day about one of the clock after dinner being borne by his blind fellow through Fléetstréete to cast his eye on a great Oyster which lay on the ground néere the Miter doore where some Oyster seller sitting as their custome is belike had let it fall from her basket and therupon he directed his fellow porter to stoope and take it vp which done they fell into controuersie about it the one saying he deserued it best because hee saw it and guided the others hand to it the other answered y t he had most right to it because he brought him thither tooke the paines to take it vp and while they were thus wrangling a poore Lawyer comming out of Ram alley with his seacole beard embrodered with grease like the snowt of a Mastiue new lifted out of the porredge pot and vnderstanding the cause of their falling out my honest friends quoth my Lawyer pray let me sée your Oyster and you shall sée me quickly end this variance the blind man deliuered the shelfish vnto the Lawyer who hauing fingred it forthwith drew forth his rusty whittle laid the Seabred animal vpon his knée and diuiding his house into two parts gaue the one to the blind the other to the lame and deuoured the inhabitant himselfe the old cripple séeing that cried out now the Deuill goe with it and the Lawyer remoued himselfe into the Tauerne from his eye and clamors Wherupon the blind lame bearer being aduertised of the iest wisht it might poyson or choake him and so departed So Lawyers often get their gold with curses and to their Clients share leaues empty purses A tale of a Scriuener of London and a Countreyman IT fell out vpon a Satterday being market day that a Country fellow of the better sort of husbandry came to London to lay out a little money vpon some necessarie trinkets and hauing dispatched his busines after he had pretely refreshed his spirits with a pot of the best that the Ale-house could afford him made homewards very merily but by the way casting his eye by chance vpon a kind of writer that would haue kept a Scriueners shop and séeing the master of the poore house or the poore master of the house sitting alone in a rugge gowne wrapping in his armes to auoyd the bitternesse of the weather minding to make himselfe a little sport fell thus to salute the poore Pen-man I pray you master what might you sell in your shop that you haue so many ding-dongs hang at your doore Why my friend quoth the Obligation-maker I sel nothing but Logger-heads By my fay master quoth the Country man you haue made a faire market with them for you haue left but one in your shop that I sée and so laughing went his way leauing much good sport to them that heard him A pretty Tale of a poore man and a Lawyer A Poore man hauing béene much iniured by an vnkind neighbour who by the power of his purse would haue put him by the right of his land went to a Lawyer dwelling not farre off to whom hauing deliuered his griefe hee gaue litte for his Counsell but a great many thankes and country curtesies with God saue his life and so forth intreating him to let him know when hee should againe wait vpon him for his further aduise Who answered him somewhat short When you will neighbour when you will The poore man vpon this when you wil came oftentimes afterward to him but found no will in him to speake with him Whereupon the poore man telling his wife of his ill hap was aduised by her to take one of his best lambes and present it vnto him and then hée should sée what would follow her counsell he followed tooke his lambe and went to the Lawyer to whose gate hee was no sooner come but the Lawyer hearing the bleating of the lambe opening his window called him vp and within two words told him hee vnderstood his case and all should be well wherwith he departed méeting with his wife going to the market After they had béene at the Alehouse and taken a pot or two the poore man got him vp into the market place and there hauing his throat well cleared made this mad out-crie All ye that haue any matters to trie in law get yee euery one a fat lambe and cary to your Lawyer for one word of a lambes mouth will be better vnderstood of the Lawyer and doe more good then twenty of your owne Probatum Of a Citizen of London that â—id out of the 〈◊〉 fiue miles A Citizen riding to Edmonton had his man following him on foot who came so neare that the horse slrake him a great blow on the thigh The fellow thinking to be reuenged tooke vp a great stone to throw at the horse and hit his master on the raynes of the backe Within a while his master looked backe and séeing his man come halting so farre behind chid him Sir your horse hath giuen me such a blow quoth his man on the thigh that I can goe no faster Truely said his master the horse is a great kicker for likewise with his héele right now he gaue me a great stroke on the raynes of my backe when it was his man that threw the stone A pretie tale of a Complaynant that cryed to a Iudge for iustice yet refused it when it was offered him ONe Dromo a certaine Tiler sitting vpon the ridge of a house laying on certaine roofe tiles looking back and reaching somewhat too farre for a little morter that lay by him fell backward and by good hap fell vpon a man that was sitting vnder the house whome with his fall he brused to death but thereby saued his owne life Not many dayes after a sonne of the dead mans caused this man to bee apprehended for murther and hauing him before the Iudge cried vnto him for Iustice who asking of the prisoner what he could say for himselfe receiued this answere Truely Sir I neuer thought the man any hurt neither
they sit a milking will be talking of their swéet hearts it was my happe not long since lying close vnder a bush to heare a merry tale of a bird little wiser then a Woodcocke There was a yong fellow that was well furnished for implements of houshold mary his wealth was not great and his wit but little and his spirit of a weake constitution For as it fel out a rich widdow that was past a girle and therefore knew what to do with a good thing when she had it hearing diuers reports of such persons as she was wished to make much of among all she heard of one yong man a neighbours sonne of hers to be a sufficient man to doe her much good seruice either within the house or without either for plowing or threshing or sowing or such countrie worke as best fitted her occupation This yongman she sent for and as farre as modestie might she made shew of her affection which the Goose not perceiuing shee caried him one day alone into her chamber where she told him she must haue his helpe to remoue a chest The fellow vnderstanding nothing more then was told him went vp with the widdow and all alone from one chamber to another the doores shutting after theÌ„ where she often smiling at his either shamefastnes or foolishnes in the end carried him to a chamber where stood a chest that he could not remoue when saying he would fetch companie to helpe him she answered no now she was otherwise minded And so leading downe againe the good Asse shee neuer sent more for him A friend of his méeting of him comming forth hoping of his good hap knowing his being aboue with her alone asked him how he had sped Whose answere was Oh I wisht I had had her in the wood and then I would haue told her my minde Now what a notable Gull was this I leaue to all good humored wenches to consider The tenth Gull that shooke his gloues THis tale was no sooner ended but another wench began to quite her in this sort Nay then I will tell thée of as good an Asse as that was for his life In our Towne not long agoe one of the chiefe of our parish who was twice Churchwarden and in election to be Bailife a good fat grosse churle hauing a good house of his owne and well to take to married a widdow that dwelled three miles off who hauing good cattell and corne and some houshold of her owne by the motion of good friends made a match together But this churle being troubled with some sixtéene diseases lay himselfe in one bed and his wife in an other by him who hauing a kinde of more then good liking to a yong man in the house some kinsman of his with shéepes-eyes and smiles and such odde kinde of wicked kindnes she made him vnderstand her minde and béeing agréed one night to come into her chamber when he was a sléepe she told him for feare of the worst that he should take a paire of her gloues and flap them too and fro in his hand which would make a noise like vnto a great Spaniell that vsed often to shake his eares which lesson he forgot not Night was come the candles out they in bed and he came créeping like a dogge But the doore creaking the old man halfe awake or not fast asléepe asked who was there when the fellow shaking of his gloues together made him thinke it was the dogge when saying Oh Troll he lay still as though he slept But the fellow missing his way in the darke running his head against his masters bed-post vpon a sudden the old man start vp his head with How now who is there The poore man amazed forgetting to flappe his gloue answered Forsooth it is the dog Whereat his mistris laughing bad hang him vp Whereat the fellow as it were following in and seeking to driue him forth cryed come out But in the morning as I heard the Gull was put in a coope where I heard no more of him The eleuenth Gull vpon the Colewort IT is a tricke among many trauailers if they light into company that they thinke haue not passed the Seas to tell wonders that wise men ought not to beléeue vppon the first hearing Among which kinde of people it fel out one day at an ordinarie that a certaine idle companion that loued to heare himselfe speake and would talke more then either he vnderstood or euer heard of hearing diuers at the Table talking of the diuersitie of soyles and the natures of fruits began himselfe with a fine and all so fine kind of lisping vtterance to tell that he had séene many countries and noted the diuersities of their natures 〈…〉 one especially hée noted for the fertilitie of the sople 〈…〉 any kindes of roots Gâ—wrdes 〈…〉 of frutis there grew 〈…〉 together vnder the 〈…〉 at his tale and 〈◊〉 that he 〈…〉 that no body 〈…〉 of the company vpon the sudden 〈…〉 in his kindâ— brake out into this spéech 〈…〉 is not so strange as that which I heard was in the same place that all those Tinkers did worke together vpon one kettle For what vse quoth the Trauailer Mary sir quoth the other to see the 〈◊〉 Colewort in At which the 〈…〉 with as much spéed as he coul 〈…〉 Gull gat him a way from the comapny The twelfth Gull vpon 〈◊〉 cry of Hounds I Read among the discourses of country actions that a gentleman of the country that loueâ— home-sports as Hawking Hunting Ducking Fowling and Fishing and such like but of all especially a good try of Hounds of which hee kept the best in all the Countrey vpon a morning riding forth néere a 〈◊〉 side start a Hate who ledde the Hounds a chase thorow the wood where the winding of the hornes the hollowing of the huntsmen and the mouths of the dogges made such a countrey pleasant sweet noyse that the master of the sport sitting still vpon his horse as one halfe rauisht with his pleasure estéeming no musicke comparable to such a cry sodainely brake out into this spéech among them that were neere him Oh what a heauenly noise is this List list for Gods sake is not this a heauenly noyse Whereat one Gull of the Company who as it should seeme neuer heard any dog but a Mastiffe holding vp his eare as it were towards the Skie to heare some noyse from the heauens brake out into these words Oh Lord where is this heauenly noyse Why harke quoth the Gentleman list a while dost thou not heare No quoth the Gull the curres keepe such a bawling I can heare nothing for them Whereal the Gentleman laughing and yet inwardly chaffing at the fooles wit rode away from him and left him to learne more vnderstanding FINIS
into a market with a very leane horse setting him néere vnto a company of fat and faire Geldings to bee sold was asked of a scoffing companion how he sold his horse by the ell Which the poore man taking something discontentedly and yet not willing to quarrell with him made him an answere fit for his question when holding vp his horses taile I pray you sir quoth he come into the shop and you shall sée A warning for tale-tellers I Reed in the records of a certaine schoole where faults were reckoned vp all the wéeke to be paid vpon the Satterday that an vnhappy boy willing to haue one of his fellowes tast of such schoole-butter as hee had often broke his fast with one morning came to his master with this speach Truely sir you haue often beaten me for looking off from my booke and such a one scapeth without rebuke Yea quoth hee call him to me Who no sooner came to him but heard him his lesson Which perfectly repeated how now Sirra quoth hee to his accuser how like you this geare How did he looke from his booke and say his lesson so well Let me heare you who was imperfect in many points Well Sir quoth hee how do you know that your fellow did not looke vpon his booke Marry Sir quoth he I did watch him all the while Then Sir quoth his fellow I beséech you aske him who looked on his booke while he watched me Whereat his master smiling tooke the accuser and openly in the Schoole whipped him well first for his lesson and after for his accusation Of a worshipfull Gentleman in Lincolneshire and his man A Certaine Gentleman in Lincolneshire being also a Iustice of Peace had an old seruant many yeres called Adam Milford who vpon a time came vnto his Master and desired him in regard hee had béene his seruant so many yéeres he would now giue him something to helpe him in his old age Thou saist true quoth his Master and I will tell thée what I will doe Now shortly I am to ride vp to London if thou wilt pay my cost and charges by the way I will giue thée shortly such a thing as shall be worth to thée an hundred pound I am content quoth Adam and so paid for al the reckoning by the way So being come to London he put his Master in minde of his former promise that he had made to him What did I promise thée any thing I quoth Adam that you did for you said you would giue me y t that should be worth to mee a hundred pound for paying your charges to London Let me sée your writing quoth his Master I haue none quoth Adam Then thou art like to haue nothing quoth his Master And learne this of mee That when thou makest a bargaine with any man looke thou take a writing and beware how thou makest a writing to any man This hath auailed me an hundred pounds in my daies When Adam saw there was no remedy hee was content but when they should depart Adam stayed behind his master to recken with his Hostis and on his Masters Scarlet cloake borrowed so much money as came to all their charges that he had laid out by the way His Master had not ridden past two myles but it beganne to raine apace wherefore he called for his cloake His other men made answere that Adam was behind and had it with him So they shrowded them vnder a trée till Adam came When he came his master said al angerly thou knaue come giue me my cloake hast thou not serued me wel to let me be thus wet Truly sir quoth Adam I haue laid it to pawne for al your charges by the way Why knaue quoth he didst thou not promise to beare my charges to London Did I quoth Adam I quoth his Master that thou didst Let 's sée shew me your writing of it quoth Adam Whereupon his Master perceiuing hee was ouer reacht by his man was faine to send for his cloake againe and pay the money How mad Coomes when his wife was drowned sought her against the streame COomes of Stapforth hearing that his wife was drowned comming from Market went with certaine of his friends to sée if they could find her in the riuer hee contrary to all the rest sought his wife against the streame which they perceiuing said He lookt the wrong way And why so quoth he Because quoth they you should looke downe the streame and not against it Nay Zounds quoth hee I shall neuer find her that way for shee did all things so contrary in her life time that now shee is dead I am sure shee will goe against the streame Of the Farmer in Norfolke and his Phisicion A Certaine rich Farmer hauing laine long sicke in Norfolke at last sent for a Phisicion from the next Market towne who when he came he felt his pulses and viewed his water and then told them that hee could by no meanes nor Phisicke escape the disease had so much power in his body and so went his way Within a while after by Gods good helpe who is the onely giuer of all health the man escaped and was well againe and walking abroad being still very weake and féeble hee met with his Phisicion who being very sore affraid to sée him asked him if hee were not such a Farmer Yes truely quoth he I am Art thou aliue or dead quoth he Dead quoth he I am and because I have experience of many things God hath sent me to take vp all Phisicions I can get which made the Phisicion to looke as pale as ashes for feare Nay feare not quoth the Farmer though I named all Phisicions yet I meant thée for none for I am sure a verier Dunce liues not this day then thou art and then I should be a foole to take thée for one that art not fit to come to any man but to the dogges with thy phisicke and so he left him but the Phisicion neuer left quaking till he was out of the sight of him How merry Andrew of Manchester serued an vsurer MErry Andrew of Manchester who is well knowne méeting with thrée or foure of his companions on a Sunday presently he bade them home to dinner yet he neither had meate nor mony in his house Well but to his shifts he goeth and went into an old Vsurers kitchin where he was very familier priuily vnder his gowne he brought away the pot of meate that was sodden for the old misers dinner When he came home hee put out the meate and made his boy scoure the pot and sent him with it to the Vsurer to borrow two groats on it and bade the boy take a bill of his hand which the boy did and with the money bought béere and bread for their dinner When the Vsurer should goe to dinner his meate was gone wherefore hee all to beate his maide calling her whoore She said there came no body but Andrew there all that day Then
asked his man if hee had bidden him come to dinner Yes quoth his man that I did And why doth he not then come Marry he said that he had other businesse and hee could not come Why didst thou not tell me this before quoth his Master Why Sir quoth he because you did not aske me Of one that beleeued his wife better then others A Man whose wife was no better then she should be nor so neither his friends counselled him to looke better vnto her The man went home and sharpely rebuked his wife and told her what his friends said of her She knowing that periury was no worse then adultery with wéeping and swearing denyed the same and told her husband that they deuised those tales in enuy because they saw them liue so quietly With these words her husband was content and well pleased Yet another of his friends was at him againe and said that he old not well to let her haue her liberty so much To whom he answered I pray you tell me whether knoweth my wiues faults best she or you They said shee And she that I beléeue better then you all saith you lye all like knaues The Harfordshire mans answere to the Abbot of London THe Abbot riding in Visitation came to a place where they had newly builded their stéeple and put out their Belles to bee new cast The Abbot comming néere the townes end and bearing no Belles to Ring in a chase saide to one of the townsmen haue you no Belles in your stéeple No my Lord quoth he Then said the Abbot Sell away your stéeple Why so and please your Lordship Quoth he because it standeth void Marry said the man we may well also sell away another thing in our Church as well as that and better too What is that quoth the Abbot Marry our Pulpit quoth he for this seuen yéere haue we not had a Sermon in it nor I thinke neuer shall but Belles I am sure we shall haue shortly Of one that lost his purse A Countrey man comming vp to the Tearme by misfortune lost his purse and because the summe was great he set vp billes in diuers places of London that if any man had found such a purse and would restore it againe hee should haue very well for his paines A Gentleman of the inner Temple wrote vnder one of his billes that he should come to his chamber and did write where So when he came to the place the Gentleman asked him first what was in his purse Secondly what countey man he was And thirdly what was his name Sir quoth he twenty pound was in my purse I am halfe a Welshman and Iohn vp Ianken is my name Iohn vp Ianken quoth the Gentleman I am glad I know thy name for so long as I liue thou nor none of thy name shall haue my purse to kéepe And so farewell gentle Iohn vp Ianken Of mad conceited Bulkin BVlkin well knowne in diuers places for his mad conceits and his cozenage vpon a time came into Kent to Sittingborne and there in diuers villages thereabout set vp billes that all sorts of people yong and old that would come to Sittingborne on such a day they should find a man there that would giue a remedy for all diseases and also would tell them what would happen vnto any of them in fiue or sixe yéeres after and he would desire but two pence a péece of any of them Whereupon people came of all sorts and from all places so that he gathered of the people that came to the value of twenty pounds and he had prouided a Stage and set it vp and placed a chaire where hee would sit and so they being all come in and euery one set in order hee comes to the gate and takes the money from them that gathered it and bids them looke that good rule be kept and so they did also he bid them by and by sound the drumme and then he would begin his Orations He when they were gone with all hast gets him to the backeside and there hauing his gelding gets vpon his backe and away towards Rochester rides hee as fast as euer hee could gallop Now they thinking hee had béene preparing of things in a readinesse sounded the drum The Audience looked still when he would come and staying one two thrée howres nay more thought sure they were couzened Whereupon one of the company séeing a paper in the chaire on the stage tooke it wherein was written Now you haue heard the sound of the drumme You may all depart like fooles as you come Whereupon all of them falling to cursing and swearing were faine to depart like fooles indéed Of the rich Widdow of Abington THis Widdow desired a goship of hers that shee would helpe her to a husband not for any carnal desire she had but onely to kéepe her goods and sée to her lands which is hard saith she for me to doe my selfe The woman for all her talke yet knew she spake against her mind and therefore thrée or foure daies after she came to her and said Gossip I haue found an husband for you that is very wise and worldly giuen but he lacks the thing you wot of whereof I am sure you care not at all Marry quoth the widdow let the deuill take that husband if he will for though I desire not the bodily pleasure yet I would not haue him lacke that thing which if wee should fall out should make vs friends againe Of a Lawyer and his man A Worshipfull Gentleman being a counseller kéeping a very good house kept a Gentlemans sonne to bee his Clarke and to waite vpon his Table So one day hauing store of guests there wanted bread on the Table hee beckened to his man to fetch some who not vnderstanding him came to him and said Sir what would you haue Séest not knaue quoth he there is no bread on the Table therefore fetch some There was enough euen now quoth his man if they would haue let it alone and not haue eaten it vp Another time his guests hauing supt and ready to depart hee bade his man draw a cup of Wine to make them drinke before they went The fellow comming vp with the guilt cup couered his master beckened him to take of the couer Hée not vnderstanding said Master what would you haue Why knaue take off the couer quoth he of the cup. Then hold you the candle said his man for I cannot doe two things at once How finely one sold two loads of hay IN London dwelt a mad conceited fellow which with his witte liued with Gallants and dominéerd with good fellowes Not long agoe in hay haruest he gets a Pitchforke on his necke went forth towards Istington in the morning and méetes with two loads of hay comming towards the Citie to be sold for the which hee bargayned with them that owed the same for thirty shillings Whither shall we bring them quoth they To the Swan by Smithfield said he