those about him Don't think said he that I renounce to the Christian Faith 'T is not the Letter I speak of but the Musick XXVI A Friend of mine going beyond Sea and desiring me at parting to take a place in his Album Amicorum I writ down this Greek Verse of Homer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 That is We must make much of a Friend while he is with us and let him go when he thinks fit XXVII A Gentlewoman complaining that she catched Cold whenever she went abroad to buy Things in the Shops because they lay open and exposed to the Air an Acquaintance of hers advised her Never to go thither but on Sundays and Holy Days XXVIII One seeking for a Lodging met with a Friend of his and asked him whether his Landlord's House was very lightsom or not I have answered his Friend lodged there several Years but always went out so early and came home so very late that I could never see Day-light in it XXIX Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security and at a loss how to get it offered instead of it a Security and a she Citizen XXX 'T is said of one who never eat at home and railed at every one that he never opened his Mouth but at the Cost of others XXXI A dignified Clergyman having invited several of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fish-day his Purveyor told him he had been in the Market and that there was no Fish left but one Salmon which was kept for a Judge Whereupon his Master gave him a Bag of Money bad him go back and buy the Salmon and the Judge XXXII Two Gentlemen being together one that could not go without a Stick as the other could not read without Spectacles the first seeing the other take up his Spectacles to read Rather says he to him than make use of Spectacles I should chuse to forbear Reading And I reply'd the other rather than go with a Stick I should forbear going XXXIII In Montagne's Book of Expences there was this Article amongst others Item for my lazy Temper 1000 Livers XXXIV A Man having dreamt that he was eating of a new-laid Egg went to an Interpreter of Dreams to know the Meaning of it Who told him the White of the Egg signify'd Silver and the Yolk Gold so that he must prepare himself for a good Chance And 't was not long before he had a Windfal which brought him both Silver and Gold He went to thank the Interpreter and presented him with a piece of Silver But the Interpreter who loved the Yolk better than the White of an Egg did not forget to put him in mind of it Nil ne de Vitello XXXV A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds Meeting together in a fair Road where both their Coaches went a good rate the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman and begged a thousand Excuses And I beg said the Gentleman presently a thousand Pounds XXXVI To one asking why a lean Person is apter than a fat one to Love this Reason was given Because a lean Person 's Heart being nearer for want of Flesh is more easily wrought upon XXXVII If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners this is the Reason one gives for it Because 't is easier to keep 'em than what is in them XXXVIII A Gentleman riding an unruly Horse the Horse capered and kicked and the Rider unwilling to yield whipt and spurred him as fast One that stood by bad him have more Wit Another to whom the Fact was related I know the Story says he but 't was not to the Rider he spoke 't was to the Horse XXXIX One that had a stinking Breath fell a singing before Company The Words are very good said one of the Company but the Air is naught XL. A Minister in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the use of Silkworms After some Years he bestowed the Money upon the Reparations of the Portico with this Inscription upon it MORI LVCRVM XLI The first time Dr. Casaubon went into the Sorbonne before it was rebuilt he was told concerning the Hall that it had served four hundred Years for Disputations Ay but says he was there ever any Decision made in it XLII Upon an Eclipse of the Sun which hapned some Years since a Gentleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Visit who asked him What News abroad The Sun says he Madam plays at bo-peep XLIII A Gentleman speaking of the Houses of Paris said They were so very high that they hindered the Prospect of the City XLIV In the Gallery of Versailles there are long Forms of massy Silver so that many Men together can't lift one up Upon sight whereof the Embassadors of Siam said it was a very good way to secure them from Thieves XLV Cardinal du Perron had a Brother who was an Hermaphrodite When he was born the Midwife explained the Case thus to the Mother Your Son says she is a Girl and your Daughter a Boy XLVI Few People know the Meaning ing of these five Vowels A E I O U thus placed in the Arch of the Emperor's Palace of Vienna Where they were put in it seems to signify Austriacorum Est Imperare Orbi Universo XLVII A Lacedemonian being asked by one of the chief of Athens but a wicked Man who was the best Man at Lacedemon made him this severe Return He is the best Man there says he that is least like unto thee XLVIII An Italian Priest called il Piovano Arlotto famous for witty Repartees being come to Naples went to pay his Respects to King Alphonso then reigning Who being informed that he kept a Book of the most noted Errours of the chief Men of his Time Sovereign Princes not excepted asked Messer Piovano whether or no he was in his Book I 'le see answered Piovano who by the King's Order went and fetched the Book Being returned he shewed the King the Place of the Book he was in with these Words Errour committed by Alphonso King of Naples in sending a German belonging to his Court into Germany with 12000 Florins of Gold to buy Horses for His Majesty Upon sight whereof the King asked him wherein lay the Errour In trusting the German with such a Sum of Money answered Piovano But if he comes back with the Horses repli'd the King or brings me my Money again what then Messer Piovano Then says he I 'le put your Name out of my Book and write the German instead on 't Which Answer the King was so well pleased with that he sent home Piovano with Presents after he had intertained him for some time at his Court. XLIX A Monk going to Preach some Leagues off went to Dinner at a poor Country-Priest's House who had neither Bread nor Wine good enough for him The Monk sent out to buy better with some other Provisions And as he was ready to sit at Table he came out with a fine Service of Silver-gilt enamelled Which so dazzled the Priest that he asked the Monk whether he had made his Vow of Poverty Do you question it said the Monk Then reply'd the Priest You and I could make a good honest Monk for you made the Vow of Poverty and I observe it L. The Duke of Ossuna being Viceroy of Naples went on a great Holy-day to view the King of Spain's Galleys in order to set some Slaves at Liberty according to his Privilege He asked several of them what Crime had brought them to their slavish Condition And all pretended to be Innocent but one who freely owned all his Crimes and confessed that he deserved a much severer Punishment Away with this wicked Man said the Duke lest he should pervert all those good Men of his Gang. Thus the Galley-Slave by his ingenuous Confession got his Liberty whilst the rest were ridiculed for want of Ingenuity LI. A Grandee of Spain being desirous to have a good Scholar with him to converse with a Friend of his presented him one Whom he asked presently whether he could make Verses You shall judge of it My Lord said the Scholar by what I have done and brought him the next day a great Bundle of Spanish Verses of all sorts Upon sight whereof the Grandee told his Friend that Man was not fit for him And his Friend asking the Reason of it I confess answered the Grandee that I count him Ignorant who can make no manner of Verses but that Man sure is a great Fool for having made so many as he shewed me A pleasant Satyr against all professed Poets I mean such as make it their whole Business to make Verses LII Two Brothers lodging together who were very like one another and had the same Name a Gentleman desired to speak to one of them Which of them said one of the Servants The Counsellor said the Gentleman They are both Counsellors answered the Servant He that Squints They squint both He that is Married That they are both He that has a handsom Wife They are both handsom 'T is then he that is a Cuckold By my Troth Sir I think they are both Cuckolds Well then said the Gentleman these two Brothers are the most like that ever I heard of LIII A Princess of great Wit came in a Province where the Ladies came tâ— pay her their Respects Finding little in their Converse that deserved her Attention and being howeveâ— willing to keep 'em in Discourse sâ—â— asked a young Lady of the Towâ— where she was how many Children she had I have three Madam answered the young Lady Not long after the Princess taken up with other Thoughts asked her again the same Question To which the young Lady made this smart Repartee I have not Madam been brought to Bed since you first asked me the Question and so I have still but three Which free and pleasant Answer as it quickened the Princess's Attention so she ever since had the greater esteem and love for the Lady FINIS
stood up and offered him 5000 Crowns which she praid him to accept to supply his Occasions The Cardinal amazed at so great Civility expressed his Sense of it in a most decent manner And turning about to his Hatter It grieves me says he that I must leave this good Man unpaid to whom I owe a considerable Sum. 'T is true answered the Hatter that I am put to great Straits but that your Eminence may see I will not come short of any of your Creditors in point of Civility and Respect to your Person here are three Hats more which I beg your Eminence to accept of and carry with you to Rome This excessive Kindness from an ordinary Tradesman as it surprised all the Company so it drew Tears from the Cardinal with Thanks to Providence for the good Will of all of them towards him And after his Death his Brother did so punctually answer the Cardinal 's just Meaning that none of his Creditors lost any Thing by him II. A Gentleman who was great with the foresaid Cardinal went every where with him except to Church Which gave occasion to his Eminence to tell him he was his Friend usque ad Aras III. An Author having dedicated a Latine Book to Cardinal Richelieu and sent him a Copy of it the Cardinal answered his Civility in these three Words only Accepi Legi Probavi that is I have perused the Book you sent me and do Approve of it IV. Varillas speaking to one of Cardinal Baronius Ah! poor Baronius says he with his Twelve great Volumes it was God's great Mercy that he did write no more V. Cardinal Mazarine being told the Peace he had made was not advantagious to the People made this Return 'T is a young Tree says he that bears no Fruit as yet dabit Fructum suum in tempore VI. Instead of saying that a certain Bishop was made Cardinal the usual saying was that he was got into the College of Cardinals it being the first College he hapned to be a Member of VII A Bishop at Rome came to acquaint Cardinal Pole that he was going to his Diocess for a Month. I am glad on 't said the Cardinal for your sake you will suffer so much the less in Purgatory BISHOPS I. A Bishop being gone to Rome to make his Court in order to be made a Cardinal the Pope told him one Day that he was informed of his being a Bastard To which he made this Answer V. S. a fatto tanti altri Cardinali Asini che potrebbe far un Mulo That is to say Your Holiness has made so many Asses Cardinals that you may as well raise a Mule to that Dignity II. Another being gone to Rome for the same Purpose came home re infectâ and brought a great Cold with him Which one attributed to his Coming home without a Cardinal's Cap. III. A French Bishop being consecrated in the Sorbonne in the presence of a great many Bishops making a Semicircle in the Dome a Lady ravished with the sight of them in such Order said that she thought her self in Paradise In Paradise reply'd a Gentleman who stood by her there are not so many Bishops of our Church to be seen IV. A Gascoon bearing a Grudge against the Bishop of Bazas his Diocesan swore a great Oath he would never say Prayers any more in his Diocess Crossing over a River the Boat had a Mischance which made it leak The Waterman seeing his Boat sinking warned the Gascoon to commend his Soul to God Ay but said he are we still in the Bazadois meaning the foresaid Bishop's Diocess V. Upon ones saying that a certain Bishop had the Gout another that stood by alledged the Canon that says Si quis dixerit Episcopum podagrâ laborare Anathema sit VI. The Bishop of Grace in France having preached a Sermon upon Grace I have heard said the Bishop of Bellay one of his Hearers a Sermon upon Grace delivered with a good grace by the Bishop of Grace VII Some Country Bishops being with the Arch-Bishop of Paris told him they were amazed at one Thing in his Conduct that he never had any Difference with his Chapter 'T is my Opinion answered the Arch-Bishop that none but Country-Husbands will fall a cudgelling their Wives VIII The same Arch-Bishop being made Duke and Peer of France Now said one it cannot be said that Paris is Peerless IX A Bishop being often out when he preached and a Lady hapning to see his Picture somewhere One would think says she that he preaches X. A Bishop of Grenoble in Dauphiné who used to wear a long Beard had something faln upon it as he was eating Which a Servant of his taking notice of told him something did stick to his Greatnesses Beard Why not rather said one that sat by Vpon the Greatness of your Beard XI Another French Bishop of great Worth but a professed Enemy to Monks had some Difference with a great Cardinal who then governed the Kingdom of France This Cardinal however had him in so great esteem that he resolved to draw him into his Party in order to which he offered him an Abbey Which the Bishop refused saying that his Conscience would not allow of Plurality of Livings The Cardinal amazed at so unusual a Nicety of Conscience amongst Clergymen made him this Return My Lord says he you are a good Man and I would Canonize you for a Saint if you had not writ as you have against the Monks Would to God reply'd the Bishop that it were in your Power and that I deserved it then we should be both satisfy'd Thus he ingeniously checkt the Cardinal's Ambition by telling him that if he Canonized him they should be both satisfy'd For then the Cardinal must be Pope and he a Saint which was the Thing they aimed at XII A Bishop intertaining several Prelates at Dinner made a great shew of his wonderful Quantity of Gold and Silver Plate made by the best Workmen that could be got The Magnificence whereof being admired by the Company This I purchased said the Bishop in order to assist the Poor of my Diocess To which one of the Company answered ingeniously My Lord you might have spared them the Charge of the Making XIII A Bishop in the Reign of Henry VIII being appointed by the King to go to King Francis I with the Character of Embassador in a dangerous Juncture he represented to the King that such a threatning Embassy as he charged him with to so high-spirited a Prince as Francis I would go near to cost him his Life and therefore begg'd of the King he would be pleased to dispense him with that Commission Fear nothing said the King to him if the French King were so bold as to take away your Life I should infallibly revenge your Death by taking off many Heads for one from the French now in my Power I am apt to believe it reply'd the Bishop smiling but of all those many Heads there is none so fit
for my Shoulders as this Head of mine STATESMEN AND COVRTIERS I. NOLI videri sapiens coram Principe is a Lesson of wise Solomon which puts me in mind of a Portugueze Statesman Whose Prince the King of Portugal being about to send to the Pope commanded him to write a Letter whilst he wrote another in order to send that which he should like best of the two The Lot fell to the Statesman's Letter as the best penned Who therefore fled into Spain thinking himself not safe in Portugal upon the King's Opinion that he had outdone him II. When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain there were Commissioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace Dr. Dale a Master of Requests was one named by the Queen for that purpose and the Place of Congress a Town of the French King's Where the Commissioners on both Sides being met it was first debated in what Tongue the Negotiation should be handled One of the Spanish Commissioners thinking to give ours a shrewd Gird proposed the French Tongue wherein they were best skilled as most fit And for these Gentlemen of England I suppose says he they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects their Queen being Queen of France as well as of England Nay in faith my Masters replied Dr. Dale the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Business of this Secrecy and Importance especially in a French Town We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew the Language of Jerusalem whereof your Master is King and I suppose you are therein as well skilled as we in the French Tongue III. A Person of Quality going upon an Embassy had this particular Instruction from his Prince that his Conduct should be directly opposite to that of his Predecessor To which he answered Sir I shall so carry my self that your Majesty shan't need to give the like Instruction to any one that shall succeed me IV. Monsieur de Louvois being ready to set out in order to a Campagne and offering to tell what Place he was going for Don't tell us says Monsieur de Roquelaure where you go for we shall give no Credit to it V. A Lady speaking to a prime Minister of State about an Affair of Consequence and having no Answer from him Pray my Lord said she unto him shew me some Sign that you understand me VI. To a learned Man one may say Scire tuum Nihil est nisi te scire hoc sciat alter thy Knowledg signifies nothing unless it be known to the World To a Statesman on the contrary one must say Si sciat hoc alter scire tuum nihil est thy Knowledg avails nothing unless it be private to thy self For the main part of his Learning is to know how to keep Counsel VII A Minister of the Emperor residing before the War at the Court of France walked one day with several Courtiers in the Gallery of Versailles Viewing some Pictures there that set forth the greatest Actions of the King We have also says he wherewithal to set out a great Gallery by the Emperor's Conquests 'T is true answered a Courtier and the Duke of Lorrain will have a great Share therein By which Answer he meant to insinuate that whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himself or at least in his Presence those of the Emperor were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorrain and in the Emperor's Absence VIII An old French Courtier being grievously afflicted with the Gout received a Visit of a Prince of the Royal Blood of whose Party he had formerly been That which grieves me most of all says he to the Prince in the Condition I am in is that I have quitted your Service You ought not to grieve for that answered the Prince now you have the Honour to belong to the King 'T is true replied the Courtier but had I not quitted your Service I had been long since free from the Pain I now suffer Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forsaking of his Friends after he had involved them in a Rebellion for which they had been executed IX A Venetian Embassador going to the Court of Rome passed through Florence where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany The Duke complaining to him of the Embassador the State of Venice had sent him as a Man unworthy of his Character Your Highness says he must not wonder at it for we have many idle Pates at Venice So we have reply'd the Duke in Florence but we don't send them abroad to treat of publick Affairs X. A Prince jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employ'd in several Embassies told him he looked like an Ox. I know not answered he whom I am like unto but this I know that I have had the honour several times to Represent your Person A free and pleasant Repartee which required a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Censure IX A Roman having entertained at Dinner Mecenas Augustus his Favourite Mecenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Caresses whilst her Husband made as if he had been asleep to give him the more liberty In the mean time spying one of his Slaves who was stealing of a golden Cup Thou Rogue says he dost not thou see that I sleep only for Mecenas XII A French Courtier admired for his courtly Carriage but especially for his Art in reviving a drooping Conversation seeing one day the Court-Ladies stand mute before the Queen amongst which was Madame de Guimené broke silence and addressing himself to the Queen Is not this Madam says he an odd Thing in Nature that Madame de Guimené and I being born on the same Day and at no further distance of Time than a quarter of an hour yet she should be so fair and I so black XIII The Duke of Orleans being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg between two Pavilions where the Reflexion of the Sun made the Heat excessive one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body That can't be apply'd to me said the Duke who love my Friends very well If Your Higness said another do's not love 'em boyled you love 'em however well rosted XIV The Dauphin the Prince of Conty and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois with several other Persons of great Quality walking one Day along the Canal of Versailles one came to the young Admiral And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach Now my Lord Admiral says he take upon you the Command of this Vessel and make a Trial of Skill But whilst he excused himself upon his Want of Experience a Gentleman stepping amongst them brought off the Admiral saying That he was not a fresh-Water Admiral XV. Henry IV of France being come to Rouen a President who came to harang him fell short of his Speech and could
took her up and told her I find Madam that you have eaten Garlick Now 't is well known that those who have eaten Garlick are not sensible of the ill smell of others that have also eaten of the same XIII A Court-Lady gone to see Versailles in the King's Absence Is not this said one to her an Inchanted Pallace 'T is so said she but it wants the Inchanter meaning the King XIV An ancient Lady going to visit a great Man at the point of Death his Daughter refused to let her into his Chamber saying that her Father was not fit for Womens Visits Madam answered the Lady there is no Distinction of Sex at my Age. Of Love and Gallantry I. A Gallant taking his Leave of his dear Mistris upon a Journey he could not dispense with they parted with much ado and with great Reluctancy At last she told him Pray make all the haste you can and remember that a Mistris is a Benefice that requires Residence II. 'T is the Way in Savoy the first time one has his Vein breathed to be presented by his Friends A Young Man of that Country having received a Present from his Mistris upon such an Occasion returned her Thanks for it with these Words You have says he considered the Wound of my Arm but you forget that of my Heart III. A Gentlewoman who had two Gallants one of 'em with a wooden Leg grew big with Child and the Question was which of them should father it He that had the wooden Leg offered to decide it thus If the Child says he comes into the World with a wooden Leg I shall father it if not the Child shall be yours IV. A wanton French Gentlewoman being ordered by the Queen Mother then Regent to go into a Monastery he that brought her the Queen's Order told her the Queen left her the Liberty to chuse what Monastery she pleased Then says she I won't go to a Nunnery but to a Monastery of Monks which she named and where she might have Work enough V. Another young Lady was to be sent to a Nunnery of Filles Repenties or Converted Maidens But a Lady opposed it and being asked the Reason Because says she she is neither Converted nor Maiden VI. Another as wanton as the former blaming her Brother's extravagant Passion for Gaming When will you leave off Gaming said she to him When you cease to Love then I shall cease to Play answered he Then reply'd the Sister you are like to be a Gamester as long as you live VII A Coldness having continued some time betwixt two Persons that formerly had a Love for each other they met accidentally in a Place where they fell to play But said the Gentleman What is it we play for For a Return of Love said the Lady Of Roman Priests Jesuits and Monks with Passages upon their Preaching and the Auricular Confession I. A Roman Priest being grievously troubled with the Stone resolved to be Cut. But when the Surgeon was ready for the Operation Won't it says he disable me from the Act of Generation II. Another being in drink when a Child was brought him to Church to be Baptized could not find out the Ministration of Baptism in the Ritual At last having turned over many a Leaf to little purpose This Child says he is very hand to Baptize III. A Priest being asked what Saint was the Patron of his Church His Name answered he I know not only I know him by sight IV. At Nola in the Kingdom of Naples the Jesuits have a College called d' Arquo the Bow and another in France at a Town of Anjou called la Flêche or the Arrow On which one wittily composed this following Distich Arcum Nola dedit dedit illis alma Sagittam Gallia quis Funem quem meruere dabit In English thus Nola the Bow and France the Shaft did bring But who shall help them to the hempen String V. There are Monks said one that have a strict Rule and a large Conscience The Outside of whose Monasteries is all Peace and Religion whilst the Devil and War are within VI. 'T is strange said another that the Minimes should eat no Flesh and yet smell so much as they do of a Shoulder of Mutton VII A Bernardine Monk having invited a Benedictine to Supper the first desired the other to say Grace or as they call it the Benedicite Benedictus says he benedicat The other in answer to it made this Return Bernardus Bernardet VIII The Thunder fell one day upon the Steeple of the Augustines Church at Paris Upon which one said It was God's great Mercy he had sacrificed only their Steeple to his Justice for had the Thunder faln into the Kitchin 't is like they had all perished IX A Gentleman seeing the Monks called Feuillans building according to the several Orders of Architecture asked why they did not rather build according to their Order X. A late French Bishop had no sooner given up the Ghost but his Room was presently plundered A Cordelier among the rest having got the Bishop's Breviar snatched also a rich Crucifix saying Crucifixus etiam pro nobis XI A Monk being sent from Anger 's to Paris to be punished for his lewd Course of Life amongst Women was brought before a Judg who had then two Ladies with him 'T is for your sakes Ladies said the Monk that I am now brought to this Had not you been reply'd the Judg so loose upon Ladies you would not have brought these Fetters on your self XII In a Book printed at Bourdeaux 't is said that a Carmelite knocking at Heaven's Door St. Peter would not let him in saying We see none here but Carmelites When you can make up a Dozen you shall be let in not before XIII An Abbot who had a mind to make his Abbey secular told the French King that he had the worst Monks in the World and that they would not say the Exaudiat If they be so bad said the King I ought not to rely upon their Prayers and do freely dispence them with their Exaudiat XIV Another who had four Abbies three of which he bestowed upon his Nephews invited one Day a Friend of his to come and play with him at Picket I don't care answered his Friend to play with a Man who discarded so many Abbeys XV. Another Abbot extreamly given to Playing lost 2000 l. at least at one sitting with a Duke The Duke pressed him for the Payment so that the Abbot was fain to sell all he had which fell much short of the Sum. An Interposer pray'd the Duke to forgive the rest in Acknowledgment whereof the Abbot should make an Ode to his Praise but the worst he could make For says he when the World shall know that you made so great a Present for a wretched Piece they will conclude you would have been much more liberal for a good one XVI 'T is said of Father Bourdaloue that when he preached at Rouen the