saies one how does that Gentleman sweat and well he may said another having an whole Vineyard upon his back which it is to be understood that he had sold to put himself in brave clothes XLVIII One Johannes Gonzaga having store of money to spare which though it were his own already he went to try whose it should be had lost at dice bag after bag with much ease and pleasure for He that plays away his money must not value it At which his Son Alexander by name standing by look'd very sadly Upon which one of the company said Your Son here looks earnestly when you will win that he may have some share with you You are deceived saith Gongaza to think that Alexander hath any such low thoughts You know Alexander the Great wept fearing his Father Philip would leave him nothing to win and my Alexander on the other side is sad fearing that I shall leave him nothing to lose this is called Alexanders example inverted i. e. Alexander turned inside out turned out of all but I do not like these sad jests XLIX These every one I beleeve can parallel with some English Story M. Cambden tels us of a great Swaggerer that having lately sold a Mannor of an hundred Tenements came ruffling into the Court in a New Suit saying Am not I a mighty man that bear an hundred houses on my back which one that heard said he might have better employed it in paying his debts L. He relates a like Story of one Sir Thomas Rokesby in K. Richard the thirds dayes who being found fault with for being served so meanly in woodden cups and not in Plate answered These homely Cups pay truly for what they hold and I had rather drink out of wood and pay gold and silver then drink out of gold and silver and make wooden payment LI. A great Gallanto-Flanto-Ranto that had wasted much of his Patrimony seeing one M. Dutton a rich Gentleman but plain in a Gown not of the newest cut told him that he thought it had been his great Grandthers Gown It is so said M. Dutton and I have also my great Grandfathers Lands LII Your Fellow-Traveller where he so journed of late heard a merry conceit of a Gentleman of good means who drawing towards his end was much visited by a Cosen of his a very Spend thrift the Gentleman taking notice of his visits then and knowing what he look'd for told him once or twice that he thank'd him for his visits and that when he died He would leave him something to make him drink and at last appointed him he should call for what was in the corner of such a Cup-board The Gentleman being dead his cosen comes to call for his Legacy and when it was told him there was no mention of him in the Will he demands the key of such a Cup-board where indeed in the corner was found nothing but something which would make him drink if you must know it was a Red herring LIII Sir Edward Cook was wont to say when a great man can came to dinner to him and gave him no knowledge of his coming Well since you sent me no word of your coming you shall dine with me but if I had known of your coming I would have dined with you LIV. Sir Nicholas Bacon being keeper of the Seal when Queen Elizabeth in progresse came to his house at Red grave and said to him My Lord what a little house have you gotten said Madam my house is well but it is you that have made me too great for my house LV. Ferdinand King of Castile in his progresse turned into the house of one Alphonsus a famous man it was a stately building but had a narrow stair-case The King ask'ed him why he had not made larger stairs to so fair a house Alphonsus answers I never thought so great a Guest would have come into it LVI Philip the second King of Spain in his Journey was driven by a storm into a Countreymans house where he was forc'd to take up his lodging the Husbandman set before him such as he had and was much troubled at the entertainment of so great a person In the morning the King calling him to him gave him thanks and bid him ask wherein he might gratifie him The man answers I pray God to preserve your Majesty in life and health and grant that I may never see you here again LVII Two Noblemen vying complements who should first go in at a door one of them who seem'd to be forced to go first in as one must go in first said to the other Sir Now I think you under stand how carefull I am to be your servant since I so readily obey you in this which puts a shame upon me LVIII One using to come a little too ost to his Friends Table the Master of the house bid the dinner be stopp'd a while the man asking some of the Family Wheu the Dinner would come in the othar answers As soon as you are gone Sir LIX A Stranger being invited to Supper when he see Cheese the first dish that came in to the Table said But in our Countrey they do not bring in Cheese till the end of Supper It is true said the other and so they do with us LX. Augustus Caesar was invited to Supper by one of his old friends where he had but ordinary entertainment whereupon at his going he said I did not know that you and I were so familiar LXI One that was a great Eater coming to a Feast and complaining that He had lost his stomack one of the Company that was a poor man said I hope no body of our house hath found it for if they have we are utterly undone LXII In Genua some Citizens standing at their doors asked a Countreyman passing by for sports sake what time of the year Countreymen took most pleasure in In the Winter time said the Countreyman for then we can sit about the fire rosting of turneps and chestnuts and lie and sleep most sweetly by the Fire side what do you think of this life Truly said one Citizen You seem somewhat akin to the Hogs Why said the Countreyman What time of the Year do you of the City like best What but the Spring Fellow said the other when all is fresh and green when the flowers grow and the Birds sing Then said the Countreyman You are are some akin to our Asse who at that time of the year never leaves braying LXIII Scipio canvasing for Aedile meeting one of the people and taking him by the hand feeling it hard and brawny ask'd him in jest Whether he went upon his hands or his feet at which the Countreyman took such offence that he went about to his companions and told them how much Scipio scorned the people which raised such an indignation against him in the multitude that Scipio lost their suffrages and the office LXIV A Shepheard having spied an huge Toad gazed upon it and fell a
the most fruir and the most wholsome and pleasant fruit the Scholar therefore after sadnesse and dullnesse contracted by the bent and assiduity in serious studies hath his Relaxations Nec semper arcum tendit Apollo He hath either his Musicall or Mathematicall Recreations History or Poetry his Walks in Summer and his Noctes Atticae in Winter And in the perusall of these Proverbs and selecting and ordering of them to his readiest use he sets aside in a corner the Jocosa to sport himself with in his vacations such these are to Democritus Be not a Baker if your head be of Butter He that hath a head of Wax must not walk in the Sun When a Knave is in a Plum-Tree he hath neither Friend nor kin When one is on hors-back he knows all things He is mine Uncle that wisheth me well He is my Neighbour that grindes at my Mill. Here is a talk of the Turk and of the Pope but my next Neighbour does me more harm then either of them both A fair Hostesse makes a fowl Reckoning Ask mine Host if he have good wine Three can hold their peace if two be away He that tels his wife News is but newly married That as she did think herself too mean to be his Wife so she did think her self too good to be his harlot K. James would say There is no difference between common lovers and common whores they both flatter and make the name of love their Bawd to serve their lusts And Socrates us'd to say that wandring Lovers are like wandring Beggars ever in want and begging but friends and Husbands were like setled House-keepers who have house and ground of their own which they study every day to make better XXIII Another married woman being sollicited by one who pretended such love made him this answer While I was a maid I was under my Fathers power and now I am a Wife I am subject to my Husband wherefore you may doe well first o go speak with him and know what he would have me to do XXIV A certain Nobleman sent a Painter to the house of a beautifull woman in her Husbands absence to draw her picture In the mean time the Husband comes in and finding the Painter at this work sends him packing with these words It may be that this Noblem in after he hath got the Copy may have a minde to the Originall XXV Katharine Wife to Charles Brandon Duke of Suffolk when her Husband at a Feast will'd every Lady to take to sit by her him that she lov'd best provided he were not her Husband She took Stephen Gardiner Bishop of Winchester saying Seeing she might not have him whom she lov'd best she would take him whom she lov'd worst XXVI Henry the sixth having in Christmas a shew of young women with their bare breasts presented before him he immediatly departed with these words Fie Fie for shame forsooth you be too blame If this King had seen such in the common streets he had taken them for common creatures that set out signes to call in passengers XXVII King James us'd to say ' I wonder not so much that women paint themselves as that when they are painted men can love them For the reason why they paint or patch is notorious to a Proverb ' They who whi'ten their house mean to let it And she that useth these Arts either is a whore or would be one or will be thought to be one Demosthenes sail'd to Corinth upon the report of the famous and dear strumpet Lais who was so high in her demands as it is thought by some gave occasion to the Proverb Adire Corinthum non cui libet licet She required of him a thousand Crowns for a night but he frighted with the price returned back saying I will not buy Repentance so dear XXIX There being discourse about Joseph and Potiphars wife before K. Henry the seventh the King said to his Almoner Now M Mao you are a proper man and a Doctor what would you have done if you had been in Josephs place In troth saith he I cannot tell what I would have done but I can tell you what I should have done as Joseph did fly for Fugere est fugare and not hearken to her to be with her for Garisons when they come to parley are near a surrender XXX One married a woman who within a few moneths was delivered of a childe whereupon some saying That childe came a little too soon No said another but the marriage was a little too late There is a saying Marry your daughters betimes lest they marry themselves and perhaps marre themselves in the marrying XXXI One in tbe Eastern parts of France married a Wife who within a moneth brought him forth a childe The Husband hereupon makes hast to the next market town and buyes as many Cradles as would fill a Cart. And being come home and asked by his Neighbours what he would do with so many Cradles O saith he I have need of them all and if my Wife be as fruitful as she begins these will not be enough XXXII There was in Siena a rich Citizen who married a woman famous for beauty Mary of Ravenna by name Her husband being jealous of her as she was one day holding her only childe in her Armes he fastened his eyes upon the childe and her and with a deep sigh said unto her I Would give half my goods to be as sure as you are whether this childe be mine own The woman without change of colour answers him that he should not need to be at so great charge to know but if he would give her a thousand duckats only she would assure him of it before witnesse that there should be no doubt of it He agrees appoints a feast cals his kinred and friends and in the presence of them all relates the businesse and bargain between him and his Wife Then the Wife takes the childe in her armes and smiling saith to him Husband you will not deny this childe to be mine No surely said he but what then Well then saith she drawing near to him Do you take the Childe I give him to you and now no body can deny him to be yours The company laugh'd to see the womans conceit and the fruitlesse searches of jealousie This story Petrarch relates to a friend of his afflicted with this malady telling him that if he trust not his Wife he must have Mary of Ravenna to shew him who are his own children XXXIII It is reported of one that to give his Wife Physick for prevention he beat her black and blew the first day of their marriage And when her Parents and Friends came about him and ask'd What she had done that he us'd her so Nothing said he they wondring the more and looking on one another he goes on and sayes Seeing I have beaten her thus without cause consider how I will handle her if she shall give me cause This man sure came out
of indictum esto And now you to your pleasure and I to my Plough THE FELLOW-TRAVELLER Through the CITY COUNTREY I. ONe Bernardinus of Siena who for his merits was after canonized and sainted was a great Preacher in Milan where he preached with a great throng and concourse of people reprehending usually the corrupt customes of those times This a Merchant of Milan observing came often to visit him and earnestly pressed him that without respect of persons He would preach against that abominable sin of Vsury which was of late grown so common in that City In the mean time Bernardinus searching into the condition and life of the man findes that he was the greatest Usurer in all Milan and that he did this to affright others from that vice and to ingrosse all the dealings by Usury to himselfe alone II. A rich Merchant of Venice who had great trading in Naples seeing one Iaspar of Ravenna to come to Church every morning betimes and showing their great devotion either praying or reading his Rosary and Davids Psalter he fell in love with the man so farre as that he intrusted in his hands a good summe of money to traffique with and to share with him in the adventure The time coming that Jaspar was to give up his accounts of the money and the advantage He not only denied that ever he received any money from him but said also that he never knew the Merchant The Merchant being after blamed by some of his brethren for trusting a stranger without witnesse or assurance said to them It was not Iaspar of Ravenna but his Prayer books and Psalter which have cheated me Pii ad mercedem sumus ad mercedem impii magis impii quo magis pii III. There being discourse of a Merchant of great credit yet a sordid Miser and covetous One John de Medices burst into these words See the great mercy of God That all men should trust him that doth not put his trust in God He trusts not God who doth not trust him without a pawne until he have before him as much as he can desire IV. There is a Tale of an old Vsurer that had nothing in his mouth but It is good to be sure If his Servant went to receive Money he would follow him why t is good to be sure Though he had lockt the door he would rise out of his bed to feel it fast for It is good to be sure If he had told his money never so often over yet he will tell it again O'tis good to be sure This man fals dangerously sick and his servant perceiving little hope of life ask'd him Master have you said your Prayers yes sure said he I think so Nay but say them again Master for it is good to be sure He bids the Servant open the Chest and bring him all his gold in it The Servant having opened it cryes out Master the Devil is in the Chest he layes his paw upon all the gold and sayes It is all his because it was extracted out of the life-bloud of Widows Orphans and poor Wretches Sayes he so saith the Extortioner Then bring me the gold the Chest the Devil and all It is good to be sure And hence it may be it is that usually wlcked men are said to get the Devil and all But let this passe for a Tale in earnest It is good to be sure And in Goods gotten by Sacriledge Oppression Robbery or bloud did none of your Learned Counsel advise you of a flaw in your Leases of Conveyance to assure your selves That you were to have and to hold this and that with all the appurtenances and know you not that Gods Curse upon them and you is a certain Appurtenance to all ill-gotten Goods Consider this all ye that forget God It is good to be sure V. Castrutius Governour of Luca who is reported to be tyrannicall being condemned by one of his Familiars for banishing and confiscating the goods of one Luparus a rich man who by all men had the repute of a wise good and faithfull Citizen thus answered his Friend with a smile It is not Luparus his goodnesse or wisedome but his covetousnesse vetousnesse is punished by me He cannot be good that is covetous As long as I knew not his vices I respected him as my dearest friend but as soon as Luparus shewed me he lov'd his money more then me it behoved me also to esteem Luparus his money more then Luparus VI. I have heard the like to what follows related of a Merchant which it may be was but borrowed from that which is storied of Sigismund the Emperour who having received a great masse of gold out of Hungary commanded it because the day was spent to be carried into his bed-chamber where he passed a great part of the night without sleep at last he gave command to call up diverse of his Counsel and special Friends who wondring what was the businesse at that unreasonable time were brought into his chamber and there the Emperour showing them the gold Do you see saith he that Hangman that would not suffer me to take any sleep all this night do you carry it all away and divide it among your selves which when they readily did Now saith he you may depart and I hope I shall take my rest much the better Anacreon also when a Talent of gold was given him by Polycrates did distribute it among others saying I hate the gift which keeps a man waking VII Charles Duke of Burgundy being slain in battell by the Swissers at Kant Anno 1476. had a Jewell of very great value which being found about him was sold by a Souldier to a Priest for a Crown in money the Priest sold it for two Crowns afterwards it was sold for seuen hundred Florens then for twelve thousand Duckets and set into the Popes Triple Crown where it is to be seen at this day And there it is as much worth as it was sold for at first And Lewis the eleventh of France gave no reall value to these toys when he wore in his hat instead of a Jewell a peece of guilded Lead VIII There is a Story out of Strabo of a company of people that met at the Market place where was one that played excellently upon the Harp so that all crowded to hear him as being ravished with the Musick but no sooner did the Market-bell ring but they were all gone onely one stayed behinde that was thick of hearing to whom the Harper said He was much beholding to him for honouring his musick when others were gone at the ringing of the Market-bell What the Market-bell hath that rung said the deafish man Nay then farewell I must be gone too Pleasure must yeeld to Profit and the best Musick to the Market-bell IX A publike Notary to the City of Florence being desired by one that he would speak to some of the chief Citizens in favour of a Petition which he had to them
Fusibs or Lozenges are to be seen in the Wood or Stone throughout all his Countrey Yea and the same saith he is observed in England for the resemblance of Stars the Armes of the Worshipfull Family of the Shugburyes in Warwickshire are found in the stones within their own Mannor of Shugbury But though stones of such forms be rarities yet not so strange to those that have consulted Gaffarell and Lapis Asterites is by M. Cambden set down as a known and no strange stone no stranger then Stella piscis or Stellio the breast They were indeed most strange if it were certain that the Armes of these Families were before the stones and such stones no where else to be found but that these Families should take their Armes upon observation of such a Rarity within their Grounds is not strange and to make such stones Touch-stones of Nobility would much shrink and straiten the Families of Nobles XCV One Benedictus Albizius a Nobleman and a Scholar came to one newly made Cardinall to give his old Friend joy of his new honour But the Catdinall looking strangely on him as if he knew him not Albizius speaks thus to him You Cardinals I see are to be condoled rather then congratulated for as if by gaining a Dignity you had lost your senses you can neither see nor hear you cannot discern your friends face nor voice and it is well since you acknowledge not them if you know your selves The Lord Verulam reports the like of a Gentleman in Italy that wrote to a great Friend of his advanced to be a Cardinall That he was very glad of his advancement for the Cardinals own sake but he was sorry that himself had lost so good a friend XCVI There is another Story registred and as the shame would have it of another Cardinall too One of the Trent Doctors that Marrow of Theologists as Campian saith who being a Fishermans Sonne born whilest he was in his inferiour Orders would alwaies cause a Net to be spread under his Table cloth that at his rising from mear when the Cloth was taken away the Net might minde him whence he came But being after saluted with a Red Hat the Net was laid aside and so one desiring a reason for that he said Why I have now caught what I fisht for Thus the Abbot went stooping while he was seeking the keyes of the Abbey but when he had found them he looked bolt upright XCVII One coming into an Inne in mean clothes was suted accordingly with mean company where not finding himself respected according to his worth he began to brag largely of his Parentage before those to whom such discourse is distastefull and ridiculous to whom one of the men said bluntly Get you hence with your Gentility I am sure our Millers horse is nobler then you for he never goes abroad without a man to wait upon him Another the like is storied of a stranger tediously bragging before some Countrey fellows of his Noble kindred whom when one of them flouted Thou mean fellow said he dost thou know wherein Nobility consists Yes very well said the Countreyman it consists in being an hundred mile off from where a man was born or threescore from where he is known Chi si loda si lorda saith the Italian He that boasts of his Gentility bewrays it and bewrays his own basenesse for as they have also in another Provetb Vnlucky children doe most commend their Parents XCVIII A Spanish Embassadour coming to see that so much cry'd up Treasury at S. Marks in Venice fell a groping at the bottom of the Chests and Trunks And being asked why he did so He answered In this among other things my Masters Treasure differs from yours in that His hath no bottome as I finde yours to have alluding to the Mines in Mexico Peru and other parts of the Western Indies This may hold in the comparison of Estates in Lands and Moneys Fundus non habet fundum XCIX This and the former should have had their place before but perhaps they will do well here for a closing consideration to men of great Estates in City or Countrey Selymus the great Turk as he lay languishing his incurable disease still encreasing leaning his head in the lap of Pyrrhus his Bassa whom of all others he most loved I see said he O Pyrrhus I must shortly dye without remedy Whereupon the great Bassa took occasion to talk with him of many great matters And amongst others that it would please him to give order for the great wealth taken from the Persian Merchants in divers places of his Empire perswading him to bestow the same upon some notable Hospitall for relief of the Poor To whom Selymus replyed Wouldst thou Pyrrhus that I should bestow other mens goods wrongfully taken from them upon works of Charity and Devotion for my own Vain-glory and praise Assuredly I will never do it Nay see they be given again to the right owners Which was forthwith done accordingly I am afraid this Turk shall rise up in judgement against some Christians for either he is no Turk or we no such Christians as we should be C. A Fable of Aesop shall close this Period of our Travels The Bat the Bramble and the Cormorant were resolv'd to turn Merchants and to be Partners in the same adventure The Bats stock was ready money which he had borrowed the Brambles was wool and cloth which he had catch'd from sheeps backs in passing by and the Cormorants was a Treasure of a wrack which he had found as he was fishing by the shore Having put in their lading they set to Sea But a storm arising their ship sunk and their goods were all lost and themselves only escaped to land Now ever since the Bat fearing creditors keeps close all day and walks only some few short turns at night And the Bramble is catching at every passenger to get some more cloth and the Cormorant follows the Sea-shores fishing for his living and watching what the Sea will cast up The Morall of this Fable you must not look for out of your boyes books for they that affixed those Morals have seldome reached the wit of Esop Erasmus thinks this Fable fathered on Aesop and unworthy of him but Erasmus did not so well look into it Democritus who is an acquaintance of Aesop and knows much of his minde thinks the Fable his own legitimate and that Aesop here points at three sorts of men who get their living three severall waies and they seldom thrive or grow rich The first is of such as live by borrowing and purchase by Use money and these commonly run so much in debt that they are forced to turn Bats and dare not shew their heads Others with the Cormorant gape for wracks losing what may fall and live upon hopes and feed upon shoares and places vacant desart and forsaken by others where they fish for their living by new inventions and fancies and of this sort are Astrologers
in his enemies countreys XXIII Asclepiades they say made a bargain with Fortune that he should not be trusted for a Physician if he were ever sick himselfe He was happy man if he kept his bargain But there was a bargain among the Goths the Patient was obliged afore-hand to pay the summe agreed on and the Physician was obliged to the cure or else to lose his Physick and his pains XXIV Heraclitus being sick examined his Physician concerning the cause of his sicknesse but finding that he was ignorant and did faulter he would take none of his Physick saying If he be not able to shew me the cause he is lesse able to take away the cause of my disease XXV There was a Gentleman fell very sick and a Friend of his said to him Sir you are in danger I pray send for a Physician But the sick man answered It is no matter for if I dye I will dye at leisure Perhaps some such conceit as this stuck in the Gentlemans head Vis magno tibi precio mortem emere Medicum Negotiatorem vitae consule XXVI There is a grave Authour that writes jests of Scholars but such as were bred in Gotam College He brings in a Scholar meeting his Physician and saying to him I pray Sir pardon me and be not angry that I have not been sick of late Democritus thinks not this as the Authour seems to deliver it to be spoken simply but with an eye to that saying Medicus est nullus si bene circumspicias qui amicos suos bene valere cupit And Pausanias had some such like consideration who when his Physician met him and said I am glad to see you in good health Pausanias answered That comes to passe because I have made no use of you Now to these Democritus hath a ready answer in behalf of his Friends the Physicians Gaudeo quod valeas Medici vix credis ab ore Hoc agit ut valeas quod meliusque facit XXVII And so where Democritus findes in another who for the tryall of his wit writes against Learning with a great deal of learning an objection against Physicians that in the Countrey there is health where there are no Physicians but in Cities where are most Physicians there are most sick Democritus thinks his words mis-placed and that he should say In the Countrey where there is health there are no Physicians but in Cities where there are most sick there are most Physicians which will be no disparagement that they live most where they are most usefull and needfull XXVIII Aeneas Sylvius who was after Pope Pius being near his death and the Physicians giving him hopes of life and recovery said This is the misery of great persons that even in death they do not want Flatterers But to this there is an Answer framed that they who are to be the means of life love not to be the Messengers of Death XXIX One Baccius a Physician in Florence who was able enough but he had a worm in his pate was sent for to the curing of a Woman where feeling her Pulse and looking upon her he asked her How old she was She told him Threescore and three at which speech he flung aside her arm and gat him gone saying Why how long would you live in this world Perhaps the Climactericall year which is another crotchet was in his head XXX Cardan tels of one that had such a Receipt as would suddenly and certainly dissolve the stone in the bladder and he concludes of him that he makes no doubt but that he is now in hell because he never reveal'd it to any one before he dyed A hard Physician and an hard sentence But this is pressed home by Philaretus and it is to be wished that as there is the charitable Apothecary so there were also the charitable Physician for known diseases for most of them not only the Ague are Medicorum opprobria XXXI King James saith that the Art of Physicians is very imperfect for I doubt not saith he but for every disease there is in Nature a severall simple if they could finde it out So that their Compounds do rather show their ignorance than their knowledge It is too true that not only their affectations and contradictions in compositions leave men in a Wood but their ascribing of a multitude of vertues to simples confound the true ones XXXII It is a great Question what does the cure the Vulgar will tell you the last thing they took did the cure as the last thing they did caused the disease Some Physician will ascribe it to the rarity and dearnesse others to the variety and composition others to the fitnesse and order c. others think it is not the Physick or Physician but Nature being disburthened returns to her functions by degrees and men from weaknesse to a more cheerfull condition from a long hunger to a more greedy appetite c. And some adde that it is not Nature but the God of Nature which heals us and as the Proverb is God heals and the Physician hath the thanks It is Gods compassion on the poor man who contemneth no means but is without any It is the reward of his patience It is Gods seeing his tears or hearing his or the Churches prayers for him It is Gods respect to the sick mans devotion and good use he makes of his sicknesse whereby he recovers more health both in body and soul This it is though unobserved that cures thousands without means or with what means soever they have about them XXXIII It is written and reported from an Authour of credit That an ancient woman having an infirmity fallen in her eyes which she could not be rid of by any remedy spoke to a Scholar who used her house for some help He in hope of some gain from her told her he had an excellent charm for that disease He takes therefore a peece of Paper writes in it a company of strange characters for omne ignotum pro magnifico and in the end in great Letters Daemon eruat oculos huic vetulae foramina stercoribus repleat This Paper he seals wraps in silk gives it to the old woman to hang about her neck with a charge it should not be read or opened by any for fear of blindenesse or a worse disease The woman beleeves him and observes his commands And a while after the Disease falling away whether by natural causes or by the devils help to confirm her in her vain beleef of charms she is recovered to her former clearnesse and strength of eye-sight Fides sit penes Authorem but my Authour addes withall that without question the devil doth use such arts to abuse the simpler sort for such Arts have no warrant from God nor do they savour of man being irrational without art or industry XXXIV A Wizard fortetold William the Conquerour that he should fafely arrive in England with his whole Army without any losse which coming to passe as the one
Friend M. Bulwer who laboureth hopeth and almost promiseth to make him hear by the Eye and thence to speak also a rare and noble attempt and a miracle of Art to which purpose Democritus hath seen cited the Title of the Spanish Authour in M. Merick Casaubons Tract of Enthusiasme and whether the work be in that learned mans custody he cannot say LXIX L. 5. q. 17. Why Man doth not see in the night as well as some other creatures Because the eye of man is black and so is darknesse and therefore the Organ and object confounding the fancy it cannot apprehend because it must gather by diversity And therefore those that have white Eyes will be sooner snowblinde and can see better than others in the night and Cats and Owls eyes are yellowish and resemble the light and therefore they see better in the dark The reason why an Eagle can look upon the Sun if she do so must be because the Sun is an object too violent for us but the spirits of the Eagle are more intense and united having but only a Chrystalline humour but perhaps it is her brows cover her eyes so that she doth but seem to look upon it LXX L. 5. q. 25. Why Man and a Capon have the Gowt Because the Gout being a biting viscous humour residing in the nerves the soft and rich and lazy are generally troubled with it and therefore a Capon not living abroad as other birds but especially if he be coop'd and his complexion being like mans hot and moist he will have the Gout but so likewise will dogs that Ladyes keep and horses that stand in stables The reason why women have not the Gout so much as men is because their humonrs are more fluid and more easie to be discharged LXXI L. 5. q. 27. What creature is most like man In respect of Figure the Ape who though is not therefore as our Authour cal'd Simia quia similis but à simo naso in quo nobis est dissimilis But in respect of manners and community the Bee For the Bee is a sociable creature observing her times living under cover burying her dead not without her Queen being multiplyed sending out her colonies and swarms for a new Plantation c. And who so is in love with the sweet and cheap fruits of this industrious creature may consult besides our worthy M. Butler the works of that publique friend of men and of Democritus also M. Samuell Hartlib LXXII L. 5. q. 28. What Creature next to man may be called the happiest The Crow exceeds all if we consider this earthly happinesse to consist in long life and content Her flesh is not desired for food no Nets or Gins are set for her She her self can feed upon any carion and no carion will kill a Crow She never wants being omnivora upon mountains in the champain on the sands she will finde pasture She cares not for heat or cold she will live in the Sun in frost in the snow and if rain be coming she will call for it There is not a Bird more hardy or carelesse or bold or cunning then she Therefore those that are discontented that they have not their portion in this life and fall to wishing themselves some a sheep c. may do wisely in their next thoughts to wish themselves a crow LXXIII L 5. q. 29. Which is the most cruell creature Man for Birds and Beasts of prey are but petry single Robbers there are not among them Herds and Armies of Murtherers Other Creatures kill not except famished or provoked Man will kill any other creature this is granted him but more He will kill those of his own kinde not as Fishes out of necessity of food or as other beasts in their own defence but to satisfie his revenge suspicion Ambition as they say Cannibals feed upon mans flesh to please their palate He will kill a woman which no other creature will do He will kill his Domestiques even Parents and Children which no Creatures in flocks and companies offer to do LXXIV L. 5. q. 34. Why a Dog will turn round before he lye down is not to stay for you till you fetch him a cushion but to unite his heat as he will also lye along when he is hot and Serpents do the like and as we in bed gather our selves close in winter and stretch our selves out in summer Why a dog will run up and down a Field or by the banks of a River is because being a Creature inclined to coursing he chuseth such fit places and when he perceives he is for hunting he will empty himself and rub upon the ground to quicken and make himself the more nimble and active Why a Dog will rub Carrion with neck or head before he taste it is because he would lighten the offensive smell that he might make it his meat This our Fancy and Understanding doth in the contemplation of horrid and filthy objects wherein our lusts and longings do tempt but our reason and Conscience check us LXXV L. 5. q. 44. Whether the life of Diogenes is to be commended or condemned Alexander would have been Diogenes And these Cynicks seem to reduce Nature to its primitive purity without art or ornament retired from the senses contemning delights and not distinguishing betwixt man and man But man being a reasonable sociable and cleanly creature to be beneficial to Parents Children Countrey Friends c. and serviceable for the publike good It is not the part of a man but a Dog to bark at humanity and its offices or rather the character of a Serpent the mortall enemy of mankinde Not to labour for any others by any burthen or employment and yet proudly to scorn all others to live sordidly in rags to let his hair and nails grow to lye in his own dung under no cover but a Tub to make no difference of meat raw or rosted to eat lice and drink with his mouth at a ditch to stink to himself and others is rather the property of an hog then a dog which is far more cleanly LXXVI L. 6. Why Children contrary to old men abound in memory and fail in their understanding 1. Because the matter of the brain in youth is more moist and tender and so more apt and pliable to receive the impressions and phantasmes of the imaginative part on the other side in Age it it is dry which drynesse attenuates and subtilizeth the wit but withall makes old men to fail in Memory 2. Besides the memory of young men is as a white pure paper untoucht with Impressions which makes it not so dull and confused with other Notions as in old men 3. Further youth applyes its fancy to observe and to furnish it self with knowledge and therefore imprints things with greater force This is not intended of meer Children whose memories are too fluid to retain but of Children begun to collect reason and discourse LXXVII Why understanding men use to falter in
of that Countrey where women do not think their Husbands love them unlesse they do beat them XXXIV Democritus hath found a better way then this There was a woman troublesome In her tongue and her husbands kindenesse could work no good upon her Once when she was chiding he made as if he heard her not nor took any notice of her but took a Pipe he had of loud musick and began to play to her a Lesson which drowning her voice she fell a raging first calling him all to nought then dancing about him and snatching at the Pipe and at last running out of doors and crying for help that there was no enduring of such a drunken fool as she had but he held on piping till the storm was over The next day she begins with her usuall language and he to his pipe again Whereupon the woman being overcome became quiet at last and promised she would prove a most obedient Wife if he would leave off that pipe Some give it for tried that whistling or laughing hath the like vertue but Democritus thinks both may be necessary but either or both to be better then the Cudgell which some adde to the Pipe as needfull sometimes XXXV Alphonsus King of Arragon would use to say that to have a quiet house at home the husband must be deaf and the Wife must be blinde the husband must not hearken to every rash word and the wife must not take notice of every thing she dislikes for discreet women and so men too have neither eyes nor ears neither to disturb the house for he or she that troubles his own house shall inherit the winde shall get nothing but a bad Name by it XXXVI A Guest coming to lodge with a Citizen was much troubled with the clamours of a brawling woman so that he was thinking of changing his lodging and went to the man of the house to take his leave the good man argues with him What a man are you that cannot endure my Wives conditions for two or three dayes and I have born them patiently these twenty years and more If a man have a Xantippe he must be Socrates who said that his Wives chiding was like the jarring of a Coach-Wheel troublesome at first hearing but he was used to it and took no notice of it XXXVII Sir Thomas Moore was an excellent man in his times yet had married a waspe He as he was not ambitious had neglected a great place which was offered him at which his Wife being offended fell in hand with him and with such womens words asked him why he would not put forth himself but sit like a childe making goslings in the ashes with a stick If I were a man sayes she you should see what I would do go forward with the best as my Mother was used to say It is ever better to rule then to be ruled and I warrant you I would not be so foolish to be ruled where I might rule By my truth Wife sayes Sir Thomas I dare say you say truth for I never found you willing to be ruled yet One day when she came from shrift she said merrily to him Be merry Sir Thomas for this day was I well confessed I thank God and purpose now to leave off all my old shrewdnesse Yea said Sir Thomas and to begin afresh M. Cambden whence this is transcribed hath a note of this woman which deserves notice that as she was a good Huswife so she was not void of the fault that often follows that vertue and Democritus hereupon thinks the counsell of Cato fitter for men then for children who are little wiser by that book Vxoris linguam si frugi est ferre memento Namque malum est nil velle pati nec posse tacere Democritus thinks that for a woman to talk is naturall for words are feminine and deeds masculine and he leaves it to anatomical enquiry whether as their bodies are more tender so their tongues also be not more musculous pliable and moveable seeing they are the first Grammarians and Doctors of Languages to all mankinde XXXVIII King James saith it hath the like operation to make women learned as to make Foxes tame which teacheth them only to steal more cunningly And that the possibility is not equall for where it doth one good it doth twenty harm There is a late Poet which speaks feelingly to this purpose At nolo doctam nolo doctam foeminam Turbas datura est docta se virum geret In coelo unica est unica haec hastam gerit I will not I will not a learned Wife She will play the man she will stir up strife There is but one in the Heavens whose name is Pallas And that one she hath a spear in her hand Alas XXXIX A merry Fellow said of a Widow of great wealth married to a Gentleman of a great house That that marriage was like a black Pudding the one brought bloud and the other brought sewet and Oat-meal It was the Lord Burleighs advice to his Son not to marry without a portion because a man can buy nothing in the market without money But Democritus is more of their minde who like Bargains of any cattell but women who thinks the fittest and the best bred to have the best Portions and that a great Dowry is a bed full of brabbles And we shall not care for these Pudding matches if we think seriously of that other advice of the same Lord that in a wife as in a stratagem of war a man cannot erre twice and to erre but once is to be undone for ever XL. When upon a match there was talk of the Bride on saying she was so many years old another assuring it she was much elder why said one of the company The more years the better the portion because it will come in the sooner Omnis anus locuples dives erit tumulus XLI Cicexo was at dinner where Fabia Dolabella speaking of her years said She was but thirty years old One that sate by Cicero whispered to him She talks of thirty and she is far more out of question Cicero answered him again I must beleeve her for I have heard her say so any time these twenty years XLII There was a noble Matron among the Romans that being importun'd to a second marriage answered My Servius for that was her Husbands Name although he be dead to others yet he is still living to me XLIII There were two Knights suitors to a noble Virgin the one very young the other ancient The young man in the maids presence thinking to give a touch to the elderly man ask'd him What age he was of the other answered I know not the just number of the years of my age but this I know that an asse of twenty years old is far elder then a man at threescore XLIV Cicero being now grown old was chid the day before his wedding by one of his friends that being a man of threescore he would marry a
much flattering and commending Some ignorant and simple others too curious and medling some begging and some challenging some not telling truth some speaking too much and some talking all some disfigured in their apparell and gestures and others in their body and limbs c. And as he thus meets with men in their severall habits he is to suit his conversation and behaviour upon such conceits as these XLVII Demonax bragging that he was the first and only man in such an Invention Agathocles said to him If you are the first you cannot be the only man and if you are the only man you are not the first man XLVIII One Beltram Poggius to appear as indeed he was a Scholar maintained in argument a grand Paradox and when he had done he sayes to the company Now what think you of me am not I a Philosopher One of them answered I should have thought so if your self had not said it XLIX In a Banquet where a forrain Embassadour had invited the seven wise men of Greece he desired them that every of them would deliver some sentence that he might report to his Master the wisedom of the Grecians which they did only one was silent the Ambassadour said to him Sir Let it not displease you to adde somewhat that I may report He answered Report to your Lord that there are of the Grecians that can hold their peace L. Plato entertaining some friends had a bed or Table neatly and well furnished Diogenes coming in gets upon the bed and tramples upon it and said I trample upon the pride of Plato Plato answers mildely yea but with more pride LI. Diogenes one rainy morning came into the Market-place as wet as a drown'd Rat and there he stood to make shew how much he could suffer the people flock'd about him pittying him but Plato coming that way said to the people as he went by If you pity him indeed leave him alone Another time in a great frost he came again clasping a brazen Statue One of the company asked him Dost thou not feel it cold No said Diogenes Why then said the other what great matter is it stay there till thou dost and then come away LII One in Florence who loved an uppermost seat would needs be Chair-man and there coming before him three important cases then in agitation To the first he said He did not well understand it To the second He referred himself to that which others had said of the Point And to the third That he stood indifferent between this and the other party A man fit to govern a Common-wealth that can at once both shew and conceal his wisedom LIII One that followed the Court but bred in the College of Wormes met another as he came forth of the Court and asked him What talks there were of himself in the Court the man answered that he had heard nothing of him neither good nor bad No said the Courtier and up with his cane and gave him some blows and withall put his hand in his pocket and bestowed on him fifty duckats And now saith he thou art going to Court thou hast something to say of me both good and bad O the wit of man LIV. There was one that being to write to Cardinal Pool concerning the death of a Friend of his did adde of his own head a great many reasons as he thought them to comfort him the Cardinall having read the Letter gave it away saying Truly this is a comfortable Letter which no body can reade without laughing LV. It is the manner of some men after anothers speech to nod and wag their heads which being the custome of such as affect gravity a Gentleman would say of it That it was as men did shake a bottle to see if there were any wit in their heads or no LVI Demoeritus heard his Fellow-Traveller who by his Language talk'd as if he had been a School-Master say once of those servile Imitators of men of great worth that it was as Apes doe imitate men in their mops and mows and not in their manlinesse in their singularities and not in their sufficiencies in their Heterâ—â—lites and not in their Propria quae maribus LVII A Cosen and Name-fake of Democritus observing the imitation of the French in their toyish Modes and antick postures burst forth into admiration and exclamation in these rare Rhythmicall Verses which out of respect tho those who otherwise worthy may be infected with this vanity shall not be prostituted by a translation to a Vulgar eye but are commended to those persons of curiosity in their native stamp O Ala-modistae Quid mos vult ludicrus iste Cum Cattis quorsum Vobis tam flexile dorsum Curvati an lumbos Tentatis mittere bombos Cur digitum primum Ad fundum demittit is imum Cernere num stramen Num res est tollere gramen Cur nunc nodati Nunc toti itis ligulati Nunc curtis braccis Nunc longis malè laxis Nune genibus latis Muliebriter tunicatis Calceis nasutis Nunc latis nunc praeacut is Vestem non unam Formabis cingere Lunam Gallonum mima Haec gens est simia sima Galli dic istas Plumato in vertice c istas Caetera Capones Vel dicas Papiliones Este procul stulti Juvenes ut foemina culti Those who have no gust to be constant to the Levity of this one Nation in point of garbe may have their appetite to fashions redintegrated by variety out of all Nations from one of the works of an elegant and excellent late Authour M. Bulwers Man transformed or the Artificial changeling LVIII Demosthenes being railed at by a mean fellow in publique though a sufficient Oratour yet held his peace only turning to the people I have now a case in hand saith he wherein if I shall overcome I shall be overcome and if I shall be overcome of him I shall overcome him which paradoxicall speech is clear by this glosse If I shall overcome in words of reviling I shall be overcome by my own passion and impatience but if I shall be overcome and mastered in such language wherein he may be allowed to be too hard for me I shall overcome him by my tacite neglect and contempt and by defeating his main purpose to have it said that Demosthenes did contend with him Vinco seu vincor semper ego maculor LIX A bold Tradesman in Florence came before the great Duke Cosmus complaining with many foul words that the Family of the Medices made no account of the Commonalty Cosmus had then in his hand a silver box which he laid aside upon a desk where one of his Followers stood who thinking that the Duke meant he should take it and give that sawcy fellow a knock on the pate with it took it up and was offering to strike but Cosmus came in and stopt his hand saying Let him alone it will be said there was one fool among us but if you