about the Church catch'd up Sir Thomas being a little man in his Arms saying Now Sir we will fly down as those Birds do and so was going to throw him over but he cryed out to him saying Hold Friend let us go down and fly up to them which stopt the Madmans hand 214. A Woman coming to a Parson desir'd him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead the Parson promised her to do it but she desiring to know the Price of his Sermon he told her it was Twenty Shillings Twenty Shillings says she An Ass spoke for and Angel and won't you speak under Twenty Shillings The Parson being a little netled at her told her she was better fed than taught Sir says she 't is very true for my Husband feeds me and You teach me 215. A Countrey Gentleman riding along Cheap-side his Horse stumbled and threw him in the Dirt so he got a fellow to hold him and went into the next Shop the Mistress of which being a pleasant Woman smiling seeing he had no hurt asked him if his Horse used to serve him so Yes Madam says he When he comes just againâ—â— a Cuckold's door Then in truth replied she ingeniously You are like to have twenty falls before you get to the Exchange 216. A Gentleman riding to Epsom overtook a handsome Countrey Wench jogging along easily upon a poor dull Mare the Gentleman being merrily disposed asked her how she did and told her if she pleased he 'd occupy her O Sir says she what good will that do me Why says he 't will make you brave and brisk Pray then Sir says she Occupy my Mare for she 's very dull 217. An Elder Brother told his younger Brother that that White Camlet Cloak he had on became him extra-ordinary well Faith Brother says he but a black mourning Cloak for you would become me a great deal better 218. A Great Sweater being subpoena'd to give his Oath upon a Trial they brought him a Book to swear on Faith says he to the Clark You may save your self that Labour for there is no Oath but I can Swear it without Book 219. A Scolding Woman used to abuse her Husband who was pretty softly and call him Cuckold twenty times a day which a silly Fellow hearing said He wondred the Husband was such a fool to let his Wife know that he was a Cuckold 220. A Drunken Countrey Fellow whose name was Will Iohnson driving his Cart between Cambridge and Sâ—urbridg fell fast asleep in it and in the mean time his two Horses were stole out of it he awaking said Either I am Will. Johnson or I am not Will. Johnson If I am Will Johnson then I have lost my two Horses if I am not Will. Johnson then I have found a Cart. 221. A Gentleman discoursing of his Travels was interrupted by a Lady in the Company that said she had travell'd further then he Say you so Madam says the Gentleman Then We as Travellers may lye together with Authority 222. One that had been married but a Week call'd her Husband Cuckold which her Mother hearing reproved her You stut says she do you call your Husband Cuckold already And I have been married this twenty years to your Father and never durst tell him of it yet 223. A Countrey Man going along Limestrest saw a Rope with a handle to it hand out of the Door now he not knowing what was the meaning of it went and played with it and pulling it a little hard the Merchant being in the Compting house came out to the door and asked the Countryman what he would have He answered nothing but he pull'd the string and the Bell rang the Merchant seeing him so simple asked him what Country-man he was I am an Essex man an 't please you says he Ay says the Merchant I have heard that in Essex a man can't beat the hedg but out comes a Calf True says he and I see that in London a man can't ring a Bell but out comes a Cuckold 224. A Drunken debauched Dyer complaining to his Friend that was a sober man that whatsoever he took in hand to dye came to some mischance or other O says his Friend The way to succeed in your Business is to amend your Life for a man that does not live well can never dye wâ—â—â— 225. A Fidler boasting what a chaste Wife he had says a Gentleman I 'll lay my House against thy Fiddle that if I have opportunity I 'll get her consent to lie with her the Wager was laid and he had the Fidlers consent to try but the Fidler went in the mean time and sung this Song under the Window Hold out my Dear hold oâ—t Hold out but these two hours If you hold out there is no doubt But the House and all is ours To which his Wise answered I Faith sweet William I cannot He has caught me about the Middle He hath me Won thou art undon Sweet William thou 'st lost thy Fiddle 226. A Facetious Gentleman discoursing with a Witty Lady who was speaking of the Weakness of her Sex and the vast advantage that men had above them Hold Madam said he I beg your Pardon if I dissent from you in this commonlâ—-received-point for it is no difficult thing to prove that your Sex is now a days stronger than ours for Sampson the strongest Man carried only the Gates of the City upon his Shoulders but now every little Lady of your Sex carries a Tower upon her Fore-head To which she wittily and briskly replied Certainly Sir you have a very strong Head to carry so many Windmils up and down in it 227. One that had weak Eyes being jear'd by a man that had clear Eyes he told him They were not so diâ— but he could see a Fool It may be so says the other but you must look in a Glass then 227. A Schoolmaster examining his Boys and asking them several Rules for Peaâ—sing espied one to have a dirty face hands and asked him by what Rule it was that he was dirty the Boy readily answered By de me Lavo Lavi 228. One telling his Friend that he saw a Man and his Wife Fighting Why did not you part 'em says he Part ' em says the Genâ—leman I have been better bred then to part Man and Wife 229. Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern whose Sign was the Moon where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret for which they were very noted and had great Custom called for a Bottle of Sack whereupon the Drawer told him they had none At which they not a little admiring as not knowing the Humour asked the Drawer the reason who told them The Man in the Moon drinks Claret The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved â—o be sociable and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon 230. One being asked what he was that had a fine Wit in
most convenient Trade for me of any because you have but a littlâ— to give me and three Hides will set me up What Hides are those says his Father Why Sir Reply'd the Boy Yours and my two Brothers 58. An Impudent Fellow having several Indictments brought against him the Judge seeing the Notoriousness of his Crimes said Sirrah if you ben't Hang'd I 'll be Hang'd for you To whom the Rogue reply'd I thank your Honour for your kind Offer pray be not out of the way when that time comes 59. A Gentleman of Lincolns-Inn hearing of the Death of his Father in the Countrey was not a little concern'd as not knowing how he had left his Estate An Iâ—timate Fâ—iend of his seeing him said Chear up Jack if your Father has left you a good Eâ—tate you have no great cause to grieve and if he has given you nothing who 'd grieve for such a Father 60. A Ranting Bully Drinking a Health to a Sober Man he refusâ—d to Pledge â—im upon which â—e wish'd this Curse might light upon him That in a dark and cold Rainy Night he were set upon a tir'd Iade bare Ridg'd in a dirty Lane with a Pocky Whore behind him and his own Bones rotten and seven Miles from any House not knowing one step of the way and with never a Penny in his Purse both Hungry and Thirsty Hold Sir says the Man there 's enough already I thank you for your good wishes but hope in a little time you 'll enjoy 'em all your self 61. An Arch Fellow in Oxford took a great many Rams horns in his Basket and went about the City with them crying Fair Cherries in Winter this made many People call to him and amongst the rest a Lawyer who seeing his Ware laught at him saying You Fool who do you think will buy your Horns of you O Sir replieâ— he Though you are provided yet I may meet with some that are not 62. A Gentleman told his Cook that he would dine on a Venison Pasty and so order'd him to provide one which he did with two or three other dishes preliminary to it So when the dinner was ready he brought it up in order the first dish was a good Surloin of Beef which he set upon the Table before the Gentleman which as soon as the Cooks back was turn'd he took and threw out of the Window then the Cook brought up the second Course which was a Legg of Mutton and Colly-flowers which he sent out of the Window after the other then the Cook brought up the Venison Pasty and threw it out of the Window after the other two dishes which his Master storming at him for ask'd him the reason of it says he I thought your Worship intended to dine below becausâ— you sent the dishes down 63. Two Persons who had no great kindness for one another were invited to dinner together with a Knight who had a mind to be merry Now they were both pretty witty but one was slovenly and the other spruce and neat the spruce man was theâ—e first and when the oâ—her came he ran to the door to salute him and conduct him in and thinking to make a Jest on his uncourtly habit started back saying I thought to have met a worthy Doctor but I doubt in his stead I accost a Butcher The Doctor who very well understood Repartees answered Sir I can't blame you for being surprized because 't is natural for horned Beasts to dread the Butcher which to one married under Capricorn was a very close Repartee 64. One held a Paradox that Wise Men were the greatest Lyers for says he the Proverb says Children and Fools speak Truth 65. A certain Person speaking unseemly Words before a Gentlewoman she ask'd him what Profession he was of Madam says he I am a Civil Lawyer Alas Sir replied she then If Civil Lawyers are such rude People I wonder what other Lawyers are 66. Socrates being asked Why he suffereâ— so much brawling from his Wife says he Why do you suffer so much kackling of your Hens Because they lay Eggs says he And I from my Wife replied Socrates because she bears Children 67. At a Market Town in Somersetsâ—ire there lived a Quaker that was a Barber to whom the Parson of the Parish came demâ—nding fifâ—een Shilliâ—gs of him for Tythe The Quaker told him he owed him none nor none would he pay him He told him it was his due and if he would not give it him by fair means he'â— make him do it by foul The Quaker asked him for what it was due he told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service and oother Ministerial Duties in the Church Why says the Quaker I never came there You might if you would says the Parson the Door stands open Soon after the Quaker hearing that he was sâ—ing him for the money enters an Action also against the Parson for fifteen Shillings the Parson hearing of it went and asked him how he came to owe him fifteen Shillings he told him for Trimminâ— Why says the Parson I was never Trimmed by you in my life You might if you would sayd the Quaker ' my Door stands open 68. A Doctor of Physick in Oxford that used to salute every one he met with these Words I am very glad to see you well A Student a Gentleman of good quality whom he so greeted told him ingeniously He believed he lyed for the World went ill with him when People were well 69. Oâ—e perswaded a Man to hang his Dog that had done some mischief I am loath to hang him says he but I 'll go amongst his Neighbours and give him an ill-name and that is as bad 70. A French Captain having been a long time closely Besieged in a place where for four months he eat nothing but Horse-flesh at length being relieved he repaired to his former Mistress thinking to enjoy the same daâ—liances and caresses that he was formerly blessed with But she having been informed how he had faâ—ed since his departure Hold says she Monsieur for though I have a mind to be gotten with Child yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt 71. A covetous Tradesman had a mind to be married but was afraid of the charge of having Children too fast at last he resolved to be married and agreed with his Wife that they would lie together but once a Fortnight and says he I intend to get every Fortnight a Joyâ—t of the Child from Head to Foot so by that device we shall not have too many Children But I do it my Dear to ease thee in the bearing of them which you know would be no small trouble to you After Marriage it seems he lay with her the first Night and I can't tell how it came about but at forty Weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave Boy Why how now Wife says he this is not according to my Expectation Yes Husband says she but I may thank good Neighbours or else
for ought I know we might have had a deformed Child 72. The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities the Mayor came to make a Speech and began thus When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem but being dashed out of Countenance he said again When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem and so the third time but could not proceed Then the King turning to his Couâ—tiers said We may easily imaâ—gine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent 73. Mr. Philemoâ— Holland having Translated several Books as Plutarch Pliny Livy Cambden c. at length he Translated Sâ—etonius Tranquillus into English upon which an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him Phliemon with Translations doth so fill us He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus 74. A Gentleman going into a Church in London when they were chaunting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms which are not the most Mellodious in the World the Words were these Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners Ay says he they might as well hâ—ve sâ—id Hâ—ve mercy upon us Miserable Singers 75. Two Sparks standing together in the Cloysâ—ers seeing a pretty Lady pals by says one of them There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life She hearing him turned back and seeing him very ugly said Sir I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you Faith says he so you may and Lye as I did 76. A Poor man in Smithfield having a mind to bind his Son to a Butcher but being â—olicitous to get a Master of whom he might learn his Trade well he asked his Friend who was an Ingenious Gentleman and had great Acquaintance to whom he should Bind him O says he there is a Physitian hard by you Bind him to him for he kills more than all beside in the Town 77. A Gallant Dining at a Friends House had promised a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon but being engaged after Dinner at Cards could not fairly get away wherefore he called his Boy and sent him to the Lady to excuse him whispering him in the Ear that whatever Answer the Lady returned he should tell it him as if it were from a Man that the Company might not know So the Boy went on his Errand and a little after returned to his Master who asked him aloud before the Company What was the Gentleman at home Yes Sir answered the Boy Well what said he to you He said Sir you might appoint any other time What was he doiâ—g says the Gentleman He was putting on his Hood and Scarf to go to Mass says the Boy which discovered the Intreague and set them all a Lâ—ughing 78. A Woman asking her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace to put on her Petticoat he replied thus to her If I once make you a Gold-finch you will prove a Wag-tail all your Life after 79. One that was a great Eater sitting down to Supper complained that he had lost his Stomach Well says a merry Fellow that was there If a Poor Man has found it he will be utterly undone 80. A Bishop being informed by hiâ— Steward of the greatness of his Expence that it was over proportionable to his Estate and that particularly the number of his Servants was too great The Bishop ordered him to draw up a Note of such as were necessary and such as were not which being done he Summoned all his Servants together and reading the Note separated them and then said These I have need of and therefore they must continue those have need of me and therefore they must continue also 81. Just after the late Kings Restauration when going to Church came to be in fashion an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church for fear of being Presented she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon So Dressing her self very fine she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Letany and the Parson having said Lord have Mercy upon us and then the People Responding thereunto she Cryed out aloud I never was here before in my Life anâ— since you make such a Wonderment at it I will never come again 82. Two Gentlemen walking in Cheapside in Oliver's time saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross One of them proffered to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other that he would make the master of the Shop pull down the Sign The Wager being laid he pulls off his Hat and makes half a dozen Leggs to the Sign first on one side and then on the other which the Master of the Shop seeking thinking to prevent his future Superstition suddenly pulled down his Sign whereby the Gentleman won his two Bottles of Wine 83. A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant was resolved to Examine and Instruct them at home so going to an Ancient Womans House amongst other Questions he asked her how many Commandments there were She told him she could not tell He told her there were Ten Whereat she replied A Iolly Company God Bless you and them both together Well but Neighbour says he Do you think you can keep these Commandments Ah! God Bless you Sir said she I am a poor Woman and can haâ—dly keep my self I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you 84. Going to another of them â—e asked her who made her She Replyed She did not know A Child standing by he asked him the same Question who Answered God whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant who had lived to those Years and that little Child could tell Marry quoth she I am old Woman and have been made a great while and he was made but t'other day he may well tell who made him 85. A Quaker went to sell a Horse in Smithfield a Chapman who looked on the Horse complained of his Head Quoth the Quaker He that made that Head won't learn of thee to make Heads Why Friend says the other may I not speak of thy Horses faults if I see them Nay said he for he sees none in thee why shouldst thou see any in him The Man was so taken with the bluntness of the Quaker that he bought his Horse which as he had told him before was stark blind 86. Two Gentleman Riding on the Road espiâ—d at a distance an old Woman a doing her necessary occasion by a Hedge side one of them offered a Bottle of Wine that she would turn and see what she had done they agreed on the Wager and she accordingly did Well says the Loser I 'll ask her why she did so when I come to her then Riding up to her Well good Woman said he I see you have been Evacuating your self Did you so quoth she you see no more with your Eyes then you may carry away in your Mouth But pray Mrs. said the Gentleâ—an what made you look back on it when
you had done To see if there were enough for you Both Sirs replyed she 87. A Young Esquire who had more Money than Wit Travelling into Spain to a University where a Man might be made a Doctor for Money had a mind to take his Degrees so for his better Reception he invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper where being a little flushed with the expectation of his new Honour he asked the Doctor if he would take Money to make his Horse a Doctor too Yes says he I may make a Horse a Doctor as well as an Ass and so by consequence yoâ—r Horse as well as your self 88. An Impertinent Fellow told a Gentleman that he was mad for doing a thing with less Judgment then he ought to have done and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam to be cured of Frenzie and went on at that rate till the Gentleman wittily answered That he admired as much why as in every Commonwealth there was provided a Bedlam for Madmen there was never any place alotted for Fools 89. A merry Archer coming into the Market on a Market day necked an Arrow as if he intended to Shoot and said with a â—oud Voice Now have at a Cuckold A Woman thinking he aimed that way and her Husband being by her cries out Stand away Husband stand awâ—y Husband Why you silly Jade says he I am no Cuckold am I No no quoth she but who knows how a confonnded Arrow may glance 90. A Farmer in Essex who for his Means was made a Knight and his Wife thereby growing very Gallant and Fine a Jocose Gentleman told his Worship That he did not do well in spoiling a Good Wife to make a Mad-Dame 91. A merry Gentleman seeing a great Dish of Broth brought to the Table with a little Chop of Mutton in the middle of it began hastily to unbutton his Doublet one asking him the meaning of it I mean says he to swim through this Sea of Pottage to that Island of Mutton 92. A merry Fellow Riding with his Master he desired to ask him a Question his Master knowing him to be a jocose witty Rogue gave him leave Why then Sir said he you see a Horse and an Ass yonder feeding together now suppose you were forced to be a Beast which of those two would â—ou be You Fool said the Master I would be a Horse as being the nobleâ— and more generous Creature I am of another Opinion said the Man for I would be an Ass His Master being pleased with the Humour asked his reason Why said he I have often seen an Ass Ride the Great Hoâ—â—e strut briskly before his Company be made a Iustice have the honour of Knighthood conferred on him and often Elected Mayor of a Corporation but I never knew a Horse capable of any of these Preferments 92. An Ignorant Countrey Fellow coming along Paternoster-Row had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall there sate a large Monkey whom he prayed to change his money the Monkey took it and put it into the Till of the Compter where he had observed money to be put and then came and Grinn'd at the Mâ—â— who being in a passion made a noise at the Door whereat the man of the Shop coming into the Shop asked him what was the matter Sir said he I gave your Son half a Crown to change and he will not give it me again bâ—t laughs at me and will not give me one word of answer tho I have asked him for it many a time 94. Two Friends meeting one being overjoyed to see the other Hark you Sir said he Between you and I my Wife 's with Child Faith cry'd the other you 're a liar for I have not seen her this twelve Months 95. Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted but had not seen each other a great while meeting on the Road one ask'd the other how he did he told him He was very well and was Married since he saw him the other reply'd That was welâ— indeed not so well neither said he for I have Mâ—rried a Shrew That 's ill said the other Not so ill neither said he for I had 2000 Pounds with her That 's well again said his Friend Not so well neither for I laid it out in Sheep and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed said the other Not so ill neither said he for I sold the Skins for more money then the Sheep cost Thâ—t was well indeed quoth his Friend Not so well neither said he for I laid out my money in a House and it was burned That 's very ill said the other Not so ill neither said he for my Wife was burned in it 96. One that had been very much vex'd in Law-suits went to Tyburn one day to see the Execution and vow'd That 't was better to have to do with Tyburn then Westminster Hâ—ll for there Suits hang half a year but at Tyburn half an hours hanging ends all 97. A young Countrey Esquire who you must think never read Cook upon Littleton c. had a mind to borrow some money privately for which he was to give a Bond and hearing it run Be it known unto all men Hey boys says he if all men must know it then I 'm sure it will come to my Fathers Ear therefore I will have no such Bond drawn 98. A Handsom young Widow having lately Buâ—â—ed an old grave Husband called Old Simon had been so used to â— Bedfellow that she could not sleep without one but could endure the thoughts of none but her dear Husband wherefore she ordered a Carver to make her Husbands Statue as near as he could which every Night being wâ—ll warmed had a Shirt and Night-Cap put on and was laid by her in Remembrance of her Husband â—hat she might at least embrace him in Effigie This Trade had lasted ever since her Husbands Death and she would not admit the Courâ—ship of any Sâ—iter till at last a young Gentleman who was inflamed with no small passion for her had by the help of his Wit and some good Angels prevaâ—led with her Maid to lay him one Night in the place of Old Symon So the Widow came to bed to him and casting her hand over her dear Sâ—atue as she thought she felt a more agreeable warmth than usual nay she fancied 't was alive and had motion She was not frighted at it which is not a little wonderful but by degrees crept closer and closer to her Side-mate till at length they were locked in mutual embraces by which she with pleasure found that it was not her Wooden Bedfellow In the Morning the Maid call'd at the Chamber-door as she uâ—â—d to do Madam what will you please to have for Dinner to Day she replyed Rost the Goose and the two Pheasants that were brought in Yesterday Boyl a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers and get a good Dish of Tarts and Custards and
double or treble beneficed If Gentlemen enough so many Peasants would not be reckoned amongst the Gentry And if Iews enough so many Christians would never profess Vsury 127. A conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford Drinking with two or three Gentlemen at the Mitre-Tavern in the Poultrey was very brisk and airy and would needs be forming of Sylogismes c. One wise one was this He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine which they did Now says he I will prove those two Glasses to be three thus Is not here one says he Yes says the Gentleman And here another that 's two says he Yes says the Gentleman again Why then says he one and two is three so 't is done Very well says the Gentleman I 'll have one Glass and that Gentleman shall have the other and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out 128. One who had lain with his Female Servant the next day asked her how many Commandments there were She answered nine Thou Fool quoth he hast thou lived to this Age and knowest no better There are ten I know says she very well there were ten Yesterday but you and I broke one of them the last Night so that there are but nine of them left 129. A witty though unfortunate Fellow having tried several Trades and failed in them all at last took an Ale-house and set up the Sign of the Shirt Writing under it This is my last Shift which witty Device brought him much Company and Profit 130. A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds received a small Scratch with a Sword in a Tavern-Fray at which he was sadly frighted and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon who coming and seeing the Wound but slight and the Gentleman in a great fear for sports sake pretended great danger and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister Why Sir quoth the Gentleman is the wound so dangerous O Yes replyed the Arch Chyrurgeov for if he don't make great haste it will heal of it self before he comes 131. A young Lady being to be sworn at Hygate the Lord Judge asked her whether she would have a Pr or a Pear A Pr my Lord says she Well said Madam says he you speak like a Modest Lady for some of your Sex can't be contented with a Pr but they must have a pair 132. A Woman in the Countrey that had Ten Children told her Husband that Nine of them were his and no more now he mistrusting the Parson of the Parish had been sweet upon her said Well Wife I 'll keep the Nine but I never denyed the Clergy their due and so will not begin now for the Parson shall have the Tenth for his Tythe it being rightly due to him 133. Parson Bull coming to visit one Mr. Hide Hide said smileing Bull where are your Horns Sir replied Bull they always go with the Hide 134. A Countrey man coming through Cheapside with Hob nails in his Shoes and treading in a slippery place his Heels flew up which a Ciâ—izen taking notice of in his Shop said to the Fellow How now Friend You see our City stones are so proud they scorn to let a Countrey-Clown tread on them Hah says the Countrey-man as proud as they are I made them kiss my Arse 135. A Scotchman having found an extra-ordinary large Turnip in his Garden which is a Root that Scotchmen love very well came and presented it to King Iames who being pleased with the humour of the Man gave him a hundred Pounds A Courtier seeing this thought with himself thus if the King regards a Turnip so much and rewards the Giver of it so nobly how much more nobly will he reward me for a greater present So he presented the King with a curious Race Horse which when the King received he said to his Nobles what shall I give to this man for his present and when they were all silent says the King By my Soul man I will give thee the Turnip 136. A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged had the benefit of the Clergy granted to him and so was burnt in the Hand which when it was doing they bid him say God bless the King Nay says he God bless hur Father and Mother for if they had not taught hur to read hur might hwve been hanged for all the King 137. A Lady that was going to Mass was interrupted by a Rustical Fellow that stood just in the Church Door and hindred her going in She prayed him to make a little way to which he gave hâ—r a Clownish Answer which stirred up her Passion a little and thinking it in vain to expect any Civility from him she said Sir I perceive that the Mass for Clowns and Fools is over so that you having no more business here had best be gone Yes Madam says he drily that is over and that for Wh 's is just now beginning you haâ— best make haste in and put in for a share 138. Another Lady going to Maâ—s to present her Tapers fixed one to St. Michael and another to the Devil that was at his Feet The Clerk seeing her told her she did not do weâ—l to offer a a Candle to the Devil No matter says the Lady 't is good to have Friends every where for we know not where we shall gâ— 139. A â—ussing young Blade coming to Eâ—som calâ—'d an honest plain Countrey-man that was there to hold his Horsâ— Can one hold him says he Yes yes says the Gallant Then you may do it your self replied the Countrey-man and so went away 140. A Câ—untrey man that was very ignorant coming to the Arch-Bishops House with his Rent the Aâ—ch-Bishop coming through the Hall asked who ' t was An 't please your Worships Honour says the Countrey man I am come to pay you your Rent so the Arch Bishop went out and the Servants told him he must say An 't please your Grace But the Arch-Bâ—shop coming in again he was at An 't please your Worships Honour they told him he must say Grace Must I so says he then putting his Hat before his Eyes he said The Eyes of all things c. 141. A Qâ—aker having took a Lodging at the Kings-Arms Inn in Holbourne the House being full a damming Blade came up into the Room and would have hectored him out but the Quaker told him 't was his Room and by Yea and Nay he should not come there The Hector began to thunder out his Oaâ—hs and to strike him but the Quaker being a stout Fellow returned him his Blows with Intâ—rest and at last very fairly kicked him down stairs upon which the Master of the House sent up the Tapster to know what was the Cause of this noise above he told hâ—â— ' â—was nothing â—ut that Yea and Nay had kickt God Damme down Stairs 142. A Gentleman reproving hâ—s Friend that was a married Man for getting a Maidwith Child saying He admired that
thus O Noble Hector Valiant Son of Priam Grant all these Men may be as Drunk as I am 173. A certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman Jearingly What was honesty She answered What 's that to you Meâ—dle with those things that concern you 174. A Young Man in London being caught a bed with his Mistress was severely reprimanded by his Uncle who set before him the example of Ioseph O â—ays he if Joseph ' s Mistress had been as handsome as mine I doubt not bâ—t he would have done as I did 175. A Gentleman that had many Children was saying one day to his Friend that his Wife was more Fertile then his Land I 'll give you a good reason for that says his Friend for if you are weary and wâ—n't take pains to make her so others will 176. A Witty Fellow going along Paternoâ—er-Row in a dark Winter Night saw a Lanthorn hang out with a Candle in it which he had a mind to to light him home bâ—t as he had clim'd up to it and was just going to unty it the Maid of the House saw him and asked what he medled with the Lanthorn for I beg your Pardon says he Sweet-heart I only went to snuff the Candle that I might see to go along 177. Two Gentlemen riding from Barnet to London met a Miller riding softly on his Sacks and they being merrily disposed had a mind to abuse the Miller so one went on one side of him and the other on the other and having Rid so a little way with him they prayed him to resolve them one Question Whether says they art thou more Knave or Fool Trully replyed the Miller I don't know which I am most but I think I am between both 178. Mr. Randolph the Great Wit of Cambridg coming to London had a mind to see Ben Iohâ—son who was Drinking at the Devil Tavern with Mr. Drayton Mr. Daniel and Mr. Silvester three famous Poets of that Age he being loth to intrude into their Company and yet desiring to be call'd in peep'd in at the Door several times till at last Mr. Iohnson perceiving him said Come in Iohn Bopeep which he did and when the Reckoning came to be â—aid which was Five Shillings they agreed among themselves that he that made the best Extempory Verles should be excused from paying any thing and the other four should pay it all so every one made his Verses and when it came to Mr. Randolph's turn he made â—hese I John Bopeep to you four Sheep With each one â—is good Fleece If you are willing to pay your five Shilling 'T is fifteen Pence a piece 179. Ben Iohnson and Silvester being very merry one day at the above named Tavern began to Rhiâ—e upon one another so Silvester began thus I Silvester Lay with your Sister To whom Ben-Iohnson answered I Ben Johnson Lay with your Wife That says Silvester is no Rhym but Faith 't is true though says Ben Iohnson 180. Mr. Noy the Attorney General making a Venison Feast in a Tavern where Ben Iohnson and some of his Companions were Drinking and he having a mind to some of the Venison wrote these Verses and sent them to Mr. Noy When all the World was drown'd No Venison could be found For then there was no Park Lo here we sit Without e're a bit Noy has it all in his Ark. For the ingenuity of which Mr. Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down 181. At another time Ben Iohnson intending to go through the Half-Moon-Tavern in Aldersgate-Street was denied entrance the Dâ—or being shut upon which he made these Verses Since the Half Moon is so unkind to make me go about The Sun my Money now shall take the Moon shall go without And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end forsaking the Half-Moon for this affront 182. A fool being very sick and like to dye one that went to see him went to comfort him bidding him chear up for if you dye says he Four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church Ay but quoth he I had rather by half go thither my sâ—lf 183. A Courtier importuâ—ing Queen Elizabeth for a certain place that was vacant the Queen told him He was nâ—t fit for it An 't please your Majesâ—y says he I can get one to Officiate foâ— me Very likely says the Queen and I can put in one of my Maids that can do so too 184. A Tutor in Oxford reading a Lecture to his Scholars about the Virtues in moral Philosophy gave them this general Rule to know Virtue from Vices The Virtues consisted in the Middle but Vices were Extreams The next day he bid his Scholars give an Example of the fore-going Rule so one of them being a sharp Lad instanc'd in Virginity Why Sirrah says the Tutor who told you that Virginity was a Virtue You did that Sir replied the Lad for you told us that all Virtues consisted in the Middle and so does Virginity 185. Says a Tall Man going along with a little Man The People won't gaze so much at a Pigmy because I 'm in your Company Yes says the little Man they will gaze â—he more upon me to see me have an Ass â—n my Company and not Ride 186. A Lawyer meeting a Country Felâ—ow driving his Cart ask'd him merâ—ily why his Fore-Horse was so Fat â—nd the other so Lean Why says the â—ellow my Fore-Horse is a Lawyer â—nd the rest are his Clients for which â—itty answer the Lawyer gave him Shilling to Drink 187. A Country-man coming up to London having never been there before star'd into a Scriv'ners Shop the Scriv'ner standing at a Door ask'd him what he wou'd buy What do you sell says the Country-man Why Logger-heads says the Scrivner will you buy one Yes says he but I see you have such a good Trade that you have no choice having but one left in your Shop 188. One said That no Man had a greater confidence in their Country than Thieves for they put themselves upon it though they are Hanged for their pains 189. One told his Wife that there was a Law making That all Cuckolds should be drown'd O pray my Dear Husband says she then learn to Swim 190. A Blunt Rustical Fellow having been netled with a Jest that one put upon him resolv'd one way or other to be even with him therefore having a good Cane in his Hand he laid him over the Pate with it saying Every Man has his Talent you can break Iests and I can break Heads 191. Some Thieves coming to Rob a Gentlemans House before he was asleep he call'd out of the Window and bid them stay but one hour and by that time he should be a sleep which frighted them so that they ran away faster than they came thither 192. A Gentleman having his Pocket pickt whilst he was at Prayers at Church complain'd to his Friend of it why says his Friend If you
had Watch'd as well as Pray'd you would not have lost your Money 193. A Constable taking a pretty Wench late at Night brought her before a Justice who seeing her handsome and gentilely Dreft was very favourable to her winking at her fault in being out so late and bid the Constable take her home to his House that Night Yes that I will with all my heart says the Constable if your Worship will be pleas'd to commit my Wife till the Morning 194. Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets one being to watch and not to speak one word and the other to catch them So they being come to the place he that watch'd cried out Ecce Cuniculi multi which noise frighted all the Rabbets into their Burrows whereupon the other was very angry with him Why says he who thought the Rabbets had understood Latin 195. A Lady receiving a Letter from a Foppish Gentleman taken verbatim out of Cassander which he had read she sent it him back again bidding the Messenger tell him That he was mistaken for though the Letter was directed to her it was written to Madam Roxana 196. A Gentleman borrowed five Pounds of his Friend and lost it at Play thereupon he sent to borrow five Pounds more by the Token that he ow'd him five Pounds already Pray said his Friend bid your Master send me the Token and I 'll send him the five Pounds 197. A Wench that was got with Child sent her Friend to the Father of it to tell him that she was quick he replied If she be quick I 'll be as nimble and so run away 198. One seeing Doctor Mathewâ— that was a very Learned man but little of Stature pass by said There goes minimus Apostolorum which the Doctor hearing merrily replied That Mathew was Maximus Evangelistarum 199. A Gentleman standing in a brown Study a Lady askâ—d him What he was thinking of He said Of nothing What do you think on says the Lady when you think on nothing Faith says he Then I think on you and the inconstancy of your Sex 200. The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him telling him that he was a kin to his Lordship Why how so said the the Judge Why answer'd the Fellow An 't please your Lordship your Name is Bacon and my Name is Hog and those two are alike 'T is true said the Judge but you and I can't be Kindred till you are Hang'd for Hog is never good Bacon till 't is Hang'd 201. King Iames Riding a Hunting in Essex comes to a Gate which he must go through and seeing a Countrey-Clown at it he says to him Prethee good Pellow open the Gate But he knowing who it was answered No an 't please your Grace I am not worthy to be in that Office but I 'll run and fetch Mr. Johnson who is a Iustice of Peace and lives a Mile off and he shall open it for your Grace and so he run away as fast as he could and left the King to open it himself 202. When the Turks were Besieging Vienna a Gentleman being to be sent to the Grand-Vizier upon some important Affair desir'd to be excus'd for says he I 'm affraid because he is so faithless and treacherous that he 'll take my Head off If he does says the Governour I 'll take a Thousand of his Mens Heads off I Sir replied the Gentleman but I question whether any of them will fit my shoulders 203. A young Lad being chid by his Uncle for lying a Bed so long in a Morning telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning I says the Lad smartly but he rose too early that lost it 204. A merry Gentleman in the beginning of the late Civil Wars being ask'd if he should dye how he would be buried Answered With his Face downwards s For says he in a little time England will be turn'd up side down and then I shall lie right 205. A man being brought before the Duke of Millan for falling down from a House which he was Tiling upon a poor man that was going by and bruising him very much Look you Friend says the Duke to the man that was hurt I 'm for the Law of Retaliation You shall go up to the top of the House where he was and he shall go along just where you did and so you shall fall upon him and bruise him as much as he did you Which unexpected piece of Justice put an end to the mans Prosecution 206. A Farmers Daughter in the Countrey bringing up her Fathers Cows near the House to be Milk'd they all run away from her down a dirty Lane upon which the Girl cry'd out O Mothe the Cows are ruâ— down the Lane to the Devil shall I go after them No Child says the Mother let your Father go for he has high Shoon 207. A Tallow-Chandler having some Candles stole complain'd to his Friend O says he be patient for I 'm confident in a short Time they 'll all come to light 208. An Oxford Scholar coming up to London went into a House of Iniquity in Covent-Garden which had the Flower-de-Luce to its Sign where he got a Clap whereupon he writ these Verses over the door at his going away All you that hither chance to come Mark well e'er you go in For Frenchmens Arms are Signs without And Frenchmens Harms within 209. One asking a Painter how he cou'd draw such curious Pictures and yet get such ugly Children He answer'd Because he drew the Pictures in the day but got his Children in the night 210. Another asking why men sooner gave to Poor People than to Scholars was answer'd Because they think they may sooner come to be Poor than Scholars 211. A Player Riding along Fleetstreet in great haste a Gentleman of the Temple stop'd him and ask'd what Play was to be acted that night The Player was not a little vex'd at him for hindering him on such a slight occasion however recovering himself he told him he might see that on every Post I beg your Pardon said the Gentleman indeed I took you for a Post you rid so fast 211. Two Gentlemen being drinking together one of them prest the other to drink more then he could well bear and therefore he refus'd it desiring to be excus'd but the other being pretty well dipt swore he shou'd take â— other Glass or else he 'd run him thâ—o ' No says he you shan't I 'll save you that labour for I 'll run my self through and Pledge you afterwards saying so he run through the door down stairs and left the Spark to pay the Reckoning 213. Sir Thomas Moor being surveying of St. Paul's Church as he was walking on the Leads of it there happened to be a Madman there who seeing some Jack daws flying
aâ— the Sun and Moon should endure anâ— the Prince his Son after him 11. One finding his Friend abed at Ten a Clock in the Morning asked him why he lay so long Why Faith says he I came home late last night Why how late was it says his Friend Late says he 't was three a Clock in the morning 12. An Ignorant Fellow complaining of the Folly of the Age said That men were far wiser in future times then now 13. One boasting of his Credit said He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time on his own Bond without either Scrip or Scrowl 14. One going over in the Ferry-Boat from Richmond to Twitnam the Ferry-mans Wife Officiating admiring said He never saw a Woman Ferry-man before 15. Two Persons going along Cheapside a Dumb-man accidentally meeting 'em jostled against one of them whereupon he held up his Stick to strike him but the Dumb-man making some sign which the Person that was with him perceiving stopâ—d his Friends blow asking him why he would strike a Dumb-man Is he Dumb says the other Why did he not tell me so 16. One seapking to a Gentleman of the unkindness of his supposed Friend said in a Passion That he had no sooner tâ—rn'd his Back but the Rascoal abused him before his Face 17. A Countrey Fellow passing by the Exchange saw the Picture of a Unicorn hang up says he to one that stood by I have seen several Pictures of these Beasts with one Horn only pray are not there some Vnicorns with two Horns 18. One asking a certain Person how his Friend came off at the Sessions-House he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand Pish says the other that 's a small matter for for a little Fee the 'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron 19. A Sea-Captain was invited to a Hunting-Match who when he came home related what sport he had after this manner Our Horses says he being well Rigg'd we man'd them and the Wind being at West-South-West Fifteen of us in Company away we stood over the Downs in the time of half a Watch we spied a Hare udner full Gale we Tackt and stood after her coming up close she Tackt and we Tackt upon which Tack I had like to run aground but getting clear off I stood after her again but as the Devil would have it just as I was going to lay her aboard bearing too much Wind I and my Horse over-set and came Heel upward 20. A silly old Fellow meeting his God-son ask'd whether he was going To School said the Boy That 's well said he there 's a Penny for you Be a good Boy and mind your Book and I hope I shall live to hear the Preach my Funeral-Sermon 21. A foolish young Esquire being newly come to his Estate taking after the old Miser his Father grew covetous He hearing his Steward say he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas What said he do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expences I will have but half a one kilâ—ed at a time 22. A Parson who had not much Wit to spare seeing his Son play roguish Tricks Why Sarrah said he did you ever see me do so when I was a Boy as you are 23. A Precise Fellow hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-Green said For shame Gentlemen forbear it is Gods great mercy the Bowling-Green doth not fall on your Heads 24. One sitting at Supper his Cat paâ—t to and fro through his Arms brushing her Tail against his Mouth which made him so angry that he cut off the tip of her Tail saying I think now Mistress Puss I have given you an Ear-mark For a little time the Cat staid away but the next day came again according to her usal manner whereupon in a rage said he Why how now you troublesome Bitch Are you come again I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night 25. A Gentleman hiring some Labourers to pull down his old Wall that he might build a new one as they were doing it cry'd out to them to have a care least the Foundation should tumble on their Heads 26. When Guiennys were first Coyn'd they were a great rarity in the Countrey A young Fop coming from London more Gallant than Wise seeing the People so earnest to see them Alas said he throwing down two or three of them on the Table These are so common in London that you cannot receive Forty Shillings but you must take five or six of them whether you will or no. 27. One going by Water said to another in the Boat that had affronted him Speak another word and I 'll knock your Head and the Wall together 28. One that was Born in the Parish of St. Gile's Cripplegate said When I dye I 'll be Buried in Cripple Church-Yard an 't please GOD I live 29. The same Person affirming there was two sorts of Fishes allow'd to be cry'd on a Sunday being ask'd what Fishes they were answer'd Milk and Mackarel 30. One saying That the Fenny-Countreys were very unhealthy I am of your mind said another for I liv'd there once and I believe if I have liv'd there till this thime I had dy'd seven Years ago Thirteen Ingenious Characters Drawn to the Life I. Of a CHARACTER IT gives you the hint of Discourse but Discourses not and is that in Mass and Ingoâ— which you may Coyn and Wyer-draw into infinite ' is more Seneca than Cicero and speaks rather the Language of Oracles than Orators Every Linâ—'s a Sentence and every two a Period It says not all but all it says is good and like an Air in Musick is either full of Closes or still driving towards a Close 'T is no long winded Exercise of Spirit but a forcible one and therefore soonest out of Breath 't is all matter and to the matter and has nothing of Superfluity nothing of Circumlocution So little comporting with Mediocrity as it extols to Heaven or depresses unto Hell having no mid place for Purgatorv left 'T is that in every sort of Writing delighteth most and though the Treatise be Gold it is the Jewel still which the Author of Characters like your Lapidary produces single whilst others Goldsmith like inchase them in their Works 'T is a Portraiture not only of the Body but the Soul and Mind Whence it not only delights but teaches and moves withal and is a Sermon as well as Picture to every one In fine 't is a short Voyage the Writer holds out with equal force still coming fresh unto his Journeys end whilst in long ones they commonly tire and faulter on their way And to the Reader 't is a Garden not a Journey or a Feast where by reason of the Subjects variety he is never cloy'd but at each Character as at a new Service falls too with fresh Appetite II. Of an Importunate Dun. AN Importunate Dun is the Quintessence of Vexation a Single Plague worse then all Egypts Ten a