where stood a Poste a little distance from the wall the drunkard tooke it for a man and would haue the wall beginning to quarrell and giue the Poste foule words at which a man came by and asked the matter and whom he spake to he answered hee would 〈◊〉 the wall of that fellow that stood so stifly there my friend said the other that is a Poste you must giue him the way Is it so said the fellow a 〈◊〉 vpon 〈◊〉 why did he not blow his horne 42 A Saylor being on a tired horse riding 〈◊〉 Douer to London his company prayd him to ride faster to whom hee answered I can come no faster 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 sée that I am be calm'd 43 TWo Gentlemen were 〈◊〉 and one of them cast away the others hat but the other catcht his hat off and put it on his owne head now fie fie quoth tho other thou spoylest my hat wherewith said the other Marry said hee that was bareheaded thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calues head into it 44 The figure Conuersion IF a Uintner doth draw me good wine vpon money or credit then he is fitter to draw then hang but if hée draw mee bad wine for good money then he is much fitter to hang then to draw 45 A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about 〈◊〉 griefe he had when he came home his wife asked him what newes Marry said hee my Physitian doth counsell mee to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting Why husband quoth the Woman I pray you tell me doth master Doctor giue suck 46 A Braue and valiant Captaine whom I could name had a scarse giuen him here in England and he sayling ouer into the Low Countries an old 〈◊〉 Catholike Lady of his acquaintance was very importunate to beg his scarfe of him the Captaine asked her what shee would 〈◊〉 with it and said it was not fit for her wearing She answered him that if he would giue it her that Iesus Christ should weare it in the Church vpon holy dayes meanning the Image Madam said the Captaine if you will bringe me word that euer his father wore such a scarfe then I will giue you this for him 47 BEtwéene the houres of twelue and 〈◊〉 at noone one asked me what it was a clocke I answered him it was little or no thing He demaunded of me what I 〈◊〉 by my answer I reply'd that it being not one of the clocke it was to bee reckned or counted for nought for that which is lesser then one is little or nothing 48 A Gentlewoman cheapned a close 〈◊〉 in Pauls Church-yard and the shopkéeper did aske her to much money for it as she thought Why mistris said he I pray you consider what a good locke and key it hath Shée replyed that shee had small vse for 〈◊〉 locke or key for 〈◊〉 purposed to put nothing into it but what 〈◊〉 cared not who stole out 49 A Countrey woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party the said party 〈◊〉 the Iudge that her 〈◊〉 might not be taken the Iudge demanded why hee excepted against 〈◊〉 my Lord quoth he shée is a Recusant or Romane Catholique and they hold it no matter of conscience to sweare any thing against vs. Come hither woman said the 〈◊〉 I doe not thinke thou art a 〈◊〉 I am perswaded that for forty shillings thou 〈◊〉 swear the Pope is a knaue Good my Lord said shee the Pope is a stranger to me but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship I would sweare for halfe the money 50 A Cardinall kept a knauish foole for his recreation to whom hee said Sirrah foole suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I and that one of vs should be turned to a Horse and the other of vs to an Asse say which of these two wouldest thou choose to bee The foole answered Sir you are my master and for that 〈◊〉 it is fit that your worship should choose first and I will be contented to take that which you leaue Why then said the Cardinall I would be a horse no said the foole let me intreat your worship to be an Asse for I would be an Asse to chuse of al things why quoth the Cardinall marry said the foole because that I haue knowne many Asses come to bee 〈◊〉 but I néuer knew any horse come to the like 〈◊〉 51 A Graue discréet Gentleman hauing a comely wife whose beauty and frée behauiour did 〈◊〉 her honesty into suspition by whom he had a 〈◊〉 almost at mans estate of very dissolute and wauton cariage I muse said one that a man of such stayd and moderate grauity should haue a sonne of such a contrary and froward disposition Sir 〈◊〉 another the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mothers wit that there is no roome for any of his fathers wisedome besides the 〈◊〉 of her heeles is gotten into her sonnes braines 52 A Rich Grasier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford hauing a sonne that had seuen yeares beene a student there at last sent for him home to whom he said Sonne I doe heare that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning but that withall you are addicted to an idle veine of the poore and thréedbare art of Poetry which I charge thee to leaue and auoid as thou 〈◊〉 my fauour for my mind is not to haue thée liue beggerly and dye poorely yet I will aske 〈◊〉 one Poetical question which is Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautifull a creature as Venus was so besotted to match her selfe with so ill fauoured a knaue as Vulcan In truth 〈◊〉 quoth the young man I can yéeld you no reason for it but I wonder at it and yet I doe admire as much wherfore my mother maried with you 53 A Man going with his Wife by a déepe riuer side began to talke of Cockolds and withall hee 〈◊〉 that euery Cuckold were cast into the riuer to whom his wife replyes husband I pray you learne to swimme 54 A Man riding through a village with his dogge tunning by him which dogges name was called Cuckold leaping and frisking into euery house he past by where the 〈◊〉 was 〈◊〉 whereupon the man being afraid his dog would bee lost calls and whistles here here Cuckold to whom an old woman said whom dost thou miscall I would haue thée know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house Good Woman said the man you mistake me I doe call no body but my dog Now out vpon thée thou misbeléeuing kuaue said shee where learnedst thou that manners to call a dog by a christen bodies name 55 A Lusty Miller that in his younger daies had béene much giuen to the flesh and the deuill so that not one pretty maid or female seruant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be grownd but the knaue 〈◊〉 would doe his best to vndermine and blow vp their chastity and withall hée
A Iustice of the Peace was very angry with a country 〈◊〉 because 〈◊〉 came not to him at 〈◊〉 sending for him and after hee had 〈◊〉 bestowed two or thrée dozen of knaues vpon him hee sayd to him Sirrah I will make you know that the proudest saucy 〈◊〉 that dwels vnder my command shall come before we when I send for him I beseech your worship said the man to pardon me for 〈◊〉 was afraid afraid of what said the Iustice of your worship answered the fellow Of mée said the 〈◊〉 why wast thou afraid of ma Because your worship lookes so like a Lyon sayd the man a Lyon quoth the Iustice when didst thou sée a Lyon may it please your worship the fellow replyde I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to 〈◊〉 market with a white face and his foure legs bound This fellow was a knaue or foole or both Or else his wit was of but slender growth He gaue the whitfac'd Calfe the Lyons stile the Iustice was a proper man the while 80 DIuers Gentlemen being merry together at last one of their accquaintance came to them whose name was Sampson A ha said one of them 〈◊〉 may be securely merry no Sergant or Bailiffe dare touch vs for if a thousand Philistims come here is Sampson who is able to brain them all to whom Shampson replyde Sir I may boldly venture against so many as you speake of prouided that you will lend me one of your Iaw-bones 81 TWo Playsterers being at worke for me at my 〈◊〉 in Southwarke did many times patch or dawbe out part of their dayes lobour with prating which I being digging in my garden did ouerheare that their chat was of their wiues and how that if I were able quoth one my wife shoule ride in pompe through London as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday why quoth the other how did she ride I pray Marry said he in state in her horslitter O base quoth the other Horslitter I protest as poore a man as I am I would haue allowed my wife a thréepeny trust of clean straw 82 SIr Edward Dier came to the Tower on some businesse iust at the time as the Gate was newly shut and the Warders going away with the keyes hee looking through the gate called to one of them saying Hoe fellow I pray thée open the gate and let me in None of your fellow Sir but a poore Knaue Why then said Sir Edward I pray thée poore Knaue let mee in nay no knaue neither quoth the 〈◊〉 Why then said the knight hee was a knaue that told me so 83 ONe met his friend in the street and told him he was very sory to see him looke so ill asking him what he ailed hee replyed that hee was now well amended but he had beene lately 〈◊〉 of the Pox What pox the small Pox said his friend Nay quoth the other my mind was not so base for I had the 〈◊〉 Pox that I could get for my money 84 AN honest Hostesse of mine at Oxford rosted an old shoulder of a 〈◊〉 which in the eating was as tongh as a Buffe Ierkin I did aske her what the reason was that the mutton was so tough Shee said she 〈◊〉 not except the Butcher deceiued her in the age of it and she would tell him on both sides of his 〈◊〉 like a knaue as he was Nay quoth I I thinke there is 〈◊〉 fault in it which will excuse the Butcher for perhaps you 〈◊〉 it with old wood in troth quoth mine hostesse it is like enough and my husband neuer doth other wayes but buy old 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 which makes all the meat we either roast or boyle so exceeding tough that no body can eate it 85 ONe hearing a clock strike thrée when he thought it was not two sayd this Clocke is like an hypocricicall Puritane for though he will not sweare yet hee will lye abominably 86 〈◊〉 Tarleton said that hee could compare Queene Elizabeth to nothing more fittly then to a Sculler for said hee neither the Queene nor the Sculler hath a fellow 87 TWo obstinate rich fellowes in Law that had each of them more mouey then wit by chance one of them comming out of Westminster Hall met with his aduersaries wife to whom he sayd in troth good woman I doe much pitty your case in that it is your hard fortune that such a foole as your husband should haue so discréet and modest a wife The woman reply'd In truth Sir I doe grieue more that so 〈◊〉 a wife as you haue should haue such a wrangling knaue to her husband 88 A Poore labouring man was maried and natched to a creature that so much vsed 〈◊〉 scold waking that she had much adoe to refrain it sleeping so that the poore man was so batterfang'd and belabour'd with tongue mettle that hee was weary of his life at last foure or fiue woman that were his neighbours pittying his case came in his absence to his house to admonish and connsell his wife to a quiet behauiour towards her husband telling her that shee was a shame to all good woman in her bad vsage of so honest a painfull man the woman replyed to her neighbours that shee thought her husband did not 〈◊〉 her which was partly the cause that shee was so froward towards him why said an old woman I will shew thée how thou shalt proue that he loues thee dearely doe thou counterfeit thy selfe dead and lye vnder the table and one of vs will fetch thy husband and he shall find vs heauy and grieuing for thée by which meanes thou shalt perceiue by his lamentation for thée how much hée loues thée this counsell was al lowed and effected when the poore man came home be hearing the matter being much opprest with griefe can vnder the table bemouing the happy losse of his most 〈◊〉 vexation and making as though hee would kisse her with a most louing embrace to make all sure he brake her necke The 〈◊〉 pittying the mans extream passion in compassion told him that his wife was not dead and that all this was done but to make a triall of his loue towards her whereupon they called her by her name bidding her to rise and that shee had fooled it enough with her husband but for all their calling shee lay still which made one of the women to shake and iogge her at which the woman cryed alas she is dead indeed why this it is quoth her husband to dissemble and 〈◊〉 with God and the world 90 A Pantler of a Colledge in Oxford possessing some crums of Logicke and chippings of 〈◊〉 making distribution of bread at the Schollers table one of the Schollers complained vnto 〈◊〉 that the bread was dow baked Why quoth he so it should be what else is the definition of bread but dough baked 91 A Miserable fellow in the country did once a yeare vse to inuite his neighbours to dinner and as they were one time sate hee bad them
Image the country man came to the Church againe and 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 off to the new Image saying Although thou smilest and lookest faire vpon me yet thy father plaid me such a knauish pranke lately that I le beware how I 〈◊〉 too neere thee lest thou shouldest haue any of thy Fathers vnhappy qualities 14 A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ten 〈◊〉 in suit of Law had a triall at 〈◊〉 where the 〈◊〉 went on her side wherevpon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 presently 〈◊〉 her 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 some of her néerest tenants 〈◊〉 to supper amongst whom was a plaine downe right countrey 〈◊〉 to whom the Lady sayd 〈◊〉 I thinke I haue tickled my aduersary now though it were long first I trow hee will make no brags of his medling with me The honest 〈◊〉 replyed Truely Madam I did euer thinke what it would come to at last for I knew when he first medled with your 〈◊〉 that he had a wrong Sow by the 〈◊〉 15 ONe asked a 〈◊〉 what the Westminster Hall was like Marry quoth the other it is like a Butlers Box at Christmas amongst 〈◊〉 for whosoeuer loseth the Box will be sure to bee a winner 16 A Proper Gentlewoman went to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a rich 〈◊〉 that had more gowt then good manners at her taking leaue hee requested her to tast a cup of Canara She contrary to his expectation tooke him at his 〈◊〉 and thanked him Hee commanded Ieffrey Starueling his man to wash a glasse and fill it to the Gentlewoman Honest 〈◊〉 fild a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles and gaue it to his master who kist it to saue cost and gaue it to the Gentlewoman saying 〈◊〉 it was good Canara of sixe yeares old at the least to whom shee an swered séeing the quantitie so small sir as you requested me I haue tasted your wine but I wonder that it should be so little being of such a great age 17 A Souldier vpon his march found a horse-shooe and stucke it at his girdle where passing through a wood some of the enemy lay in 〈◊〉 and one of them discharged his musket and the shot by fortune light against the fellowes horse-shooe A ha 〈◊〉 he I perceiue that little armor will serue a mans turne if it bee put on in the right place 18 ONe being in a 〈◊〉 with his friend looking out at the window he saw one riding on a horse in the stréet said he do you sée that horse yea 〈◊〉 the other then said he you may sweare you haue séene the best hors in England how do you know that said the other I know it well said he for it is my horse and I am sure that he is the best and yet I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I haue one in my stable worth ten of him 19 AN vnhappy boy that kept his fathers 〈◊〉 in the country did vse to cary a payre of Cards in his pocket and méeting with boyes as good as himselfe would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny or English one and thirtie at which sport he would some daies lose a shéepe or two for which if his father corrected him hee in reuenge would driue the shéepe home at night ouer a narrow bridge where some of them falling besides the bridge were drowned in the swift brooke The old man being wearied with his vngracious dealing complained to a Iustice thinking to afright him from doing any more the like In briefe before the 〈◊〉 the youth was brought where vsing small reuerence and lesse 〈◊〉 the Iustice said to him Sirrah you are a notable villaine you play at Cards and lose your fathers shéepe at one and thirty The boy replyed that it was a lye A lye quoth the Iustice you saucy knaue dost thou giue me the 〈◊〉 No qd the boy I gaue not you the lye but you told me the lye for I neuer lost Shéepe at one and thirty for when my game was one and thirty I allwayes wonne Indéede said the Iustice thou saist true but I haue another accusation 〈◊〉 thée which is that you driue 〈◊〉 fathers shéepe ouer a narrow bridge where some of them are oftentimes drowned That 's a lye too quoth the 〈◊〉 for 〈◊〉 that goe ouer the bridge are well enough it is onely those that fall beside which are drowned Whereto the Iustice said to the boyes father Old man thou 〈◊〉 brought in to false accusations against thy 〈◊〉 for he neuer lost shéepe at one and thirty nor were there euer any drowned that went ouer the bridge 20 A Quiblet A 〈◊〉 passing through a roome where a Woman was 〈◊〉 a buck of clothes but hee thinking shée had béene 〈◊〉 saw a dish and dipped some small 〈◊〉 of the Lye which he supposing to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 dranke vp and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 spt 〈◊〉 and spaule the 〈◊〉 asked him 〈◊〉 hée 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 told her and called her some 〈◊〉 names saying he had swallowed Lye Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry for you being a Souldier and a Captaine it must 〈◊〉 trouble your stomake to swallow the Lye 21 A Country fellow that had not walked much in stréets that were paued came to London where a dog came 〈◊〉 out of a house and furiously ran 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stooped to take vp a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Dogge and finding them all 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or paued in the ground 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 strange Country am I in 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 tye vp the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 let the dogs loose 22 AN honest Mayor of a Towne being all Mercy and no Iustice louing ease and quietnesse and vnwilling to commit any offence or offender one said of him that hée was like the herbe Iohn in a pottag pot for that herbe did not giue any taste at all either good or bad but an excellent 〈◊〉 so the Mayor did neither good nor harme but as an image of a Mayors authority filled vp the roome 23 A Iustice of the Peace being angry with a pilfering Knaue said Sirrah if thou dost not mend thy manners thou wilt be shortly 〈◊〉 or else I will bee hauged for thée The bold knaue replyed I thanke your worship for that kind offer and I beséech your worship not to bee out of the way when I shall haue occasion so vse you 24 CErtaine Iustices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkennesse in their Iurisdictions did according to their places and duties méet at a market towne and sate two dayes hearing informations and working reformations at last they concluded that the Ale and Béere were too strong and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drinke should bée brewed whereby these vnruly people might sometimes goe to bed sober But one mad tospot fellow being much grieued at this order hauing made himselie half pot-shaken without feare or wit came to the Iustices and asked them if they had sate two dayes about the brewing of small drink to whom one of the Iustices replyed yes Why then quoth the 〈◊〉 I
pray you sit thrée dayes more to know who shall drinke it for I will none of it 25 THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it maintaining it for the lesser suill to shut vp the windowes of his body then to suffer 〈◊〉 house to fall downe through want of reparations 26 VPon the death of Queene Elizabeth there was a Mayor of a Country Towne sitting in consultation with his Brethren to whom hee grauely said My Brethren and Neighours I 〈◊〉 heare that the Quéene is dead wherefore I thought it excéeding 〈◊〉 we should despaire to this place that being dissembled together we might consult of our estates for I doubt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shalt haue another Queene or a King and I stand in great feare that the people will be vnrude so that wée shall bée in danger of strange Resurrection 27 ANother Mayor that was on hunting by chance one asked him how hée liked the Cry a pox take the Doggs saith he they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the Cry 28 AN old Iustice was fast a sléepe on the Bench when a 〈◊〉 Malefactor was iudged to bee hanged at which word the Iustice suddenly awaked and said to the Théefe My friend I pray let this bee a warning to you looke you doe so no more for wee doe not show euery man the like fauour 29 AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor in the meane space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man my Lord asked the fellowes name who answered his name was Gilman Said my Lord take away G and thy name is Ilman put K to it thy name is Kilman and put to Sp and thy name is Spilman thou art halfe hang'd already as the prouerbe sayes for thou hast au ill name let a man vary it how he can The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canuasing the mans name and afterward being at home among his owne good people hée had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child Master Mayor asked him his name the fellow said if it please your worship my name is Iohnson Then Master Mayor striuing to Imitate my Lord said take away G and thy name is Ilman put K to it it is Kilman put Sp to it and thy name is Spilman thou art a knaue thou hast an ill name and 〈◊〉 shalt bée hanged c. 30 A Quiblet MAster Field the Player riding vp Fleetstreet a great pace a Gentleman called him and asked him what play was playd that day he being angry to be 〈◊〉 vpon so friuolous a demand answered that he might see what play was to bée playd vpon euery Poste I cry you mercy said the Gentleman I tooke you for a Poste you road so fast 31 ONe being 〈◊〉 vexed with the spirit of iealousie came suddenly into his house and found a man whom he suspected some what too busie with his wife to whom he said Now good fellow I thanke thée for thou hast cured mee of a strange hellish torment my suspition is cleared and apparent knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart that I will be iealous no more 32 A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan in plaine English a Whore I pray you spare that 〈◊〉 said the Painter for if shee bee a right whore she daily paints her selfe 33 SEigneur Valdrino pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon a man exquisite in courtship and complement as two or thrée were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter why Captaine said one 〈◊〉 are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is Oh said the Captaine I can tell you that I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise for I haue serued the King in his 〈◊〉 these seuen yeers without pay and euer when I petition to my Lord he payes me with no coine but promises which makes mee halfe assured that he is that countryman 34 A Nobleman of France as he was riding met with a yeoman of the country to whom he said My friend I should know thée I doe remember I haue often seene thée My good Lord said the Countryman I am one of your Houors poore tenants and my name is T. 1. I remember thée better now said my Lord there were 2 brothers of you but one is dead I pray which of you doth remaine aliue 35 THe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 man hauing had a 〈◊〉 that was blind play to him after supper 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 late at last he arose and commanded one of his seruants to light the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to whom the 〈◊〉 said my Lord the Harper is blind 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 quoth my Lord he 〈◊〉 the more 〈◊〉 of light 36 A Young fellow 〈◊〉 himselfe the richest 〈◊〉 in England to whom his Mother 〈◊〉 very angerly you foolish 〈◊〉 boy why 〈◊〉 thou desire such a wish hath not 〈◊〉 own Father enough in store for thee 37 A 〈◊〉 Rampant made her husband a 〈◊〉 Dormant with a front Cressant surprised by the watch Guardant brought to the Iustice 〈◊〉 with her play-fellow 〈◊〉 after a coursie Couchant the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner and that she should consider that her husband was her Head Good sir quoth shee I did euer acknowledge him so and I hope it is no such great fault in me for I was but trimming dressing or 〈◊〉 my Head 38 A Man being very sickely one said to his wife I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap Truely quoth 〈◊〉 within this sixe monthes that my husband hath béen sicke although his legs be shrunk yet he hath outgrowne all his night-caps 39 A 〈◊〉 whose mother was noted to bee one not ouerloden with honesty went to seeke his Godfather and enquiring for him quoth one to him who is thy Godfather the boy reply'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner Oh said the man if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Ale-house but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine 40 A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London his horse being tyred a lazy disease often befalling such hacknies met a Poste on the way who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place by 〈◊〉 switch and bridle yet the Poste was 〈◊〉 to giue him the way to whom in anger he said Thou paltry fellow dost thou not sée I am a Poste The Scholler straight replyed And thou ignorant fellow 〈◊〉 thou not sée that I ride vpon a Poste 41 A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit in a 〈◊〉 euening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as hée met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing crosse and comming néere the Sauoy
would bargain with as many as his temptations ouercame that at his day of mariage euery one of them should giue him a Cake In processe of time the Miller was married and those foresaid 〈◊〉 hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes to the number of 99. His wife the bride who also went for a maid did muse and aske what was the meaning of so many Cakes The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling to whom his wife answered If I had beene so wise in bargaining as you haue beeue in your time the young men of my acquaintance would haue sent me 100 cheeses to 〈◊〉 with your cakes This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht Nor onely married but most fitly matcht In this the prouerb is approued plaine What bread men breake is broke to them againe 56 THere was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharfe at london where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship and demanded how old she was one made answer that she was a yeare old Good Lord blesse me said the Countryman is shee so big 〈◊〉 in one yeare what a greatnesse will she be by that time she comes to my age This mans blind ignorance I may compare To Aquavitae giuen to a Mare Let each man his owne calling then apply Ne sutor vltra crepidam say I. 57 TWelue Schollers riding together one of them said my masters let vs ride faster Why quoth another me thinks we ride a good pace 〈◊〉 warrant it is foure mile an houre Alas said the first what is foure mile an houre amongst all vs. Let not man boast of wit or learning deepe For ignorance may out of knowledge creep A mongst 12 men 4 mile an houre to ride He that hath wit to each his share diuide 58 AN Apprentice in the market did aske the price of an hundred Oysters his friend perswaded him not to buy them for they were too small too small reply'd the Prentice there is not much losse in that for I shall haue the more to the hundred If vp the hill a measur'd mile it be Then downe the hill's another mile I see A groat to pay 4 pence will quit the cost What 's won in t'hundred in the shire is lost 59 SIx Gentlemen riding together were in doubt that they were out of their way wherefore they rode a flight-shot to an old shepheard one of them enquiring of him if that were the way to such a towne and how far it was thither Sir quoth the Shepheard that is the right way and you haue six miles thither Quoth one of the Gentlemen What a lying old knaue art thou it cannot bee aboue foure miles the Shepheard replyde Sir you offer like a chapman and you shall haue it for foure miles but I le assure you it shall cost euery one of these Gentlemen six miles before they come thither Here rashnes did the Gallāts tongue oreslip To whō the Shepheard gaue a pleasing nip Thus softest fire doth make the sweetest Mault And mild reproofes makes rashnesse see his fault 60 A Man was very angry with his mayd because his eggs were boyled too hard truely said she I haue made them boyle a long houre but the next you haue shall boyl 2 houres but they shall be tender enough The boyling of this wenches eggs I find Much like vnto a greedy mizers mind The egs the more they boyle are harder still The mizer's full too full yet wants his fill 61 TWo learned good fellowes drinking a pipe of Tobacco it being almost outthat he that drunke last did partly feele the ashes to come hot to his lippes giuing the pipe to his friende said Ashes to ashes the other taking the pipe and being of a quick apprehension threw it out to the dunghill saying Earth to earth Thus wit with wit agrees like cake cheese Both sides are gainers neither side doth lese 〈◊〉 begets conceit iest iest doth father And butter falne to 〈◊〉 doth somthing gather 62 ONe sayd a Citizen was a man all in earnest and in no part like a iest because the Citizen was neuer bad or the iest neuer good till they were both broke What 's one mans yea may be anothers nay The Sun doth soften wax and harden clay Some Citizens are like to iests for why They 'll breake in iest or bankrupt policy 63 A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted vpon a running horse toward a Towne named Tame within ten miles of Oxford and riding at full spéed he met an old man and asked him Sirrah is this the way to Tame yes sir he replyde your Horse I le warrant you if he were as wild as the deuill This is a ridle to a foole me thinks And seemes to want an Oedipus or Sphinx But 〈◊〉 in my booke I hold it fit To find you lines your selfe must find you wit 64 A Complementall Courtier that in his French Italian and Spanish cringes 〈◊〉 and curtelies would bend his body and bow euery way like a tumbler a Mercere seruant espying his marmositicall 〈◊〉 said Oh if my master could haue bowed but halfe so much I am certainly perswaded that he had neuer broke Too much of one thing oft proues good for nothing And dainties in satiety breeds loathing Th'ones flattery mingled with the others pride Had seru'd them both both might line long vnspide 65 I My selfe gaue a booke to King Iames once in the great Chamber at Whitehall as his Maiesty came from the Chappell the Duke of Richmond said merrily vnto me Taylor where did you learne the manners to giue the King a book and not knéel My Lord said I if it please your Grace I doe giue now but when I beg any thing then I will kneele Be it to all men by these presents knowne Men need not kneel to giue away there own I le stand vpon my feet when as I giue And kneele when as I beg more meanes to liue But some by this may vnderstand That Courtiers 〈◊〉 kneele then stand 66 THe trayned souldiers of a certaine Shire which I could name to the number of 6000 as they were mnstring and drilling vnder their seuerall captaine a yeomans sonne being there as a raw soldier in his corslet his father standing by said I vaith it does me much good at harte to zee how trim a vellow my zonne is in his hardnesse The young fellow hearing his fathers commendations of him began very desperately to shake his pike and looking exceeding grim with a 〈◊〉 horrible terrible countenance said O vather chad lather nor a groat that all wee had but one Spainard here One Spainard mongst 6000 pitty t' were Better ten thousand Britains bold were ther Led by braue Leaders that might make Spain e quake Like Vere or Morgan Essex Blunt or Drake 67 ONe said that he could neuer haue his health in Cambridge and that 〈◊〉 hee had liued there till this time he thought in his
welcome saying that there was a surloine of beefe that the oxe it came from cost 20 pound and that there was a Capon that hee payd 2 〈◊〉 6 pence for in the market at which a country yeoman sitting against the Capon 〈◊〉 to and cut off a leg of it the 〈◊〉 of the guests being not yet past their roast beefe to whom the man of the house said My friend I pray thee eate some of this same surloyne 〈◊〉 sir God forbide quoth the fellow I am but a poore man an oxe of 20 pound price is too deare meat a Capon of halfe a crowne will serue my turne well enough I thanke you 92 A Rich man told his nephew that he had read a booke called Lucius Apuleius of the Golden 〈◊〉 and that hee found there how Apuleius after hee had beene an asse many yeares by eating of 〈◊〉 he did recouer his manly shape againe and was no more an asse the young man replyed to his vncle Sir if I were worthy to aduise you I would giue you counsell to eate a sallad of Roses once a weeke your selfe 93 A 〈◊〉 hauing beene maried but 〈◊〉 weekes perceiued his wife to bée great with childe wherefore shee 〈◊〉 him to 〈◊〉 a Cradle shortly after he went to a Faire and bought ten cradles and being demanded why hee bought so many hee answered that his wife would 〈◊〉 vse for them all in one yeare 94 A Gentleman vntrust and vnbuttoned in a cold winter morning a friend of his told him that it was not for his health to goe so open in the raw weather and that he mused it did not kill him to goe so oft vntrust to whom the other replyed Sir you are of the mind of my Silceman Mercer or Taylor for they find fault as you do because I goe so much on trust but it is a fault I haue naturally from my parents and kindred and my creditors tell me that I doe imitate my betters 95 A 〈◊〉 of the peace committed a fellow to prison and commanded him away three or foure times but still the fellow entreated him Sirrah 〈◊〉 the Iustice must I bid you bee gone 〈◊〉 many times and will you not goe The fellow answered Sir if your worship had 〈◊〉 me to dinner or supper I should in my poore manners not to haue taken your offer vnder two or thrée biddings therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison 96 A Great man kept a miserable house so that his seruants did alwayes rise from the table with empty panches though cleane licked platters truly said one of his men I thinke my Lord will worke miracles shortly for though he practise not to raise the dead or dispossesse 〈◊〉 deuill yet he goes about to feed his great family with almost nothing 97 ONe said that Bias the Philosopher was the first Bowler and that euer since the most part of Bowles doe in memory of their orginall weare his badge of remambrance and very dutifull 〈◊〉 Bias. Now to tell you this Bias was one of the seuen Sages or wise men of Greece My authors to proue him the inuenter 〈◊〉 Bowling are Shamrooke a famous 〈◊〉 Gimnosophist in his 9 booke of 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 of which opinion Balductus the Theban 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to bee in his third treatise of court performances the likliest coniecture is that it was denised as an embleme to figure out the worlds folly and inconstancie for though a child will ride a 〈◊〉 or staffe with an imagination that he is on horsebacke or make pyes of dirt or 〈◊〉 of cards féed with 〈◊〉 spoones and cry for 〈◊〉 péeces of bread and 〈◊〉 which childish 〈◊〉 are ridiculous to a man yet this wise game of Bowling doth make the fathers surpasse their children in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and niost delicate dogtrickes As first for the postures 1 handle your Bowle 2 adnance your Bowle 3 charge your Bowle 4 ayme your Bowle 5 discharge your Bowle 6 plye your Bowle in which last posture of plying your 〈◊〉 you shall perceiue many varieties and diuisions as wringing of the necke lifting vp of the shoulder clapping of the hands lying downe on one side running after the Bowle making long 〈◊〉 scrapes and legs sometimes bare-headed entreating him to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 with pox on 't when t is too short and though the bowler be a Gentleman 〈◊〉 there hee may méet with attendant 〈◊〉 that sometimes will be his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to foure by his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 what house hée came 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 because he being 〈◊〉 and gotten into some handsome shape forgets the house he came of suffering his betters to giue him the often salute whilest hee like 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 neither 〈◊〉 himselfe nor will know his superiors But I hold a mistresse to be the fittest name for it for there are some that are commonly tearmed 〈◊〉 which are not much better then mine aunts and a 〈◊〉 is oftentimes a marke for euery knaue to haue a 〈◊〉 at euery one striues to come so néere her that he would kisse 〈◊〉 and yet some are short some wide and some ouer and who so doth kisse it may perhaps swéeten his lips but I assure him it shall neuer fill his belly but rather empty his purse So much for bowling that I feare me I haue bowled 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 98 A Minister riding into the west parts of England happened to stay at a village on a Sunday where hee offered kindly to bestow a sermon vpon them which the Constable hearing did aske the 〈◊〉 if he were licenced to preach yēs quoth he that I am and with that hée drew out of a box his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 was in Latine truly said the Constable I vnderstand no Latine yet I pray you let me 〈◊〉 it I perhaps shall picke out here and there a word No good sir 〈◊〉 the Minister I will haue no words 〈◊〉 out of it for spoyling my Licence 99 A Clinch A Country man being demanded how such a Riuer was called that ranne through their Country he answered that they neuer had 〈◊〉 to call the Riuer for it alwayes came without calling 100 A Fellow hauing his booke at the Sessions was burnt in the hand and was commanded to say God saue the King the King said he God saue my Grandam that taught me to reade I am sure I had 〈◊〉 hanged else 101 A toy to mocke an Ape IN Quéene Elizabeths 〈◊〉 there 〈◊〉 a fellow that 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 in his hat like a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and two letters this 〈◊〉 had a 〈◊〉 from the Lord 〈◊〉 at that 〈◊〉 to trauell with an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which he 〈◊〉 whereby hee 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 from time to time at markets and 〈◊〉 his Ape 〈◊〉 alwayes 〈◊〉 vpon a 〈◊〉 dog and a man with a 〈◊〉 to attend 〈◊〉 It happened that these foure 〈◊〉 came to a 〈◊〉 called Looe in Corwall where the 〈◊〉 being taken 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 went about to 〈◊〉 to the people that at such an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an Ape
of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and quality if 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 their time and 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 him 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and other 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 either 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Ape-tricks so that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to the 〈◊〉 to the great 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 an Apes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 collecting 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 vpon the 〈◊〉 whatsoeuer came of it 〈◊〉 he 〈◊〉 pen inke and 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 a warrant to the Mayor of the towne as 〈◊〉 These are two will and require you and euery of you with your wiues and families that vpon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape for it is an Ape of ranke and quality who is to be practised through her Maiesties 〈◊〉 that by his long expetience amongst her louing subiects he may be the better enabled to doe her Maiesty seruice hereafter and hereof fayle you not as you will answere the contrary c. This Warrant being brought to the Mayor he sent for a 〈◊〉 at the 〈◊〉 end of the 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 it which when he heard 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 all his 〈◊〉 who went with him to the towne 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 vpon this 〈◊〉 busines 〈◊〉 after they 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of an houre no man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 any man knowing 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 at 〈◊〉 a young man that neuer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said Gentlemen it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 speake I think without 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 said I pray good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 though you neuer did 〈◊〉 any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 yet 〈◊〉 may speake as 〈◊〉 as some of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said the young man my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that this Apecarier is a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and one that doth purpose to make this 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 through the whole Kingdome for was it euer knowne that a fellow should be so impudent 〈◊〉 as to send a Warrant without either name or date to a Mayor of a town to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and that he with his 〈◊〉 their 〈◊〉 and families should be all commanded to come before a I'ack-an-apes My counsell is that 〈◊〉 take him and his Ape with his man and his dog and 〈◊〉 the whole messe or 〈◊〉 of them out of the towne which I thinke will 〈◊〉 much for your credit if you doe At which words a 〈◊〉 man of the towne being much 〈◊〉 said My friend you haue spoken little better then treason for it is the Quéenes Ape and therefore beware what you say you say true said master Mayor I 〈◊〉 who 〈◊〉 that 〈◊〉 fellow come into our company I pray thée my friend depart I thinke you long to haue 〈◊〉 all 〈◊〉 So in 〈◊〉 hee was put out of the 〈◊〉 for they were no company for him Well now what is to bée done in this matter 〈◊〉 said another Senior we sée by the 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉 hat that he is the 〈◊〉 man and who knowes what power a 〈◊〉 may haue in the Court to doe 〈◊〉 men wrong in the Country let vs goe and 〈◊〉 the Ape it is but 2 〈◊〉 a péece and no doubt but 〈◊〉 wil be well taken and if it come to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 will thinke vs kind people that would 〈◊〉 so much duty to her Ape what may she thinke we would doe to her 〈◊〉 if they came 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it is aboue 200 miles to London and if we should be complained on 〈◊〉 fetched 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 whereas now euery man may escape for his 2 pence 〈◊〉 warrant it would cost vs 10 〈◊〉 a peece at the least This counsell passed currant and all the whole droue of the townsmen with 〈◊〉 and children went to see the Ape who was sitting on a table with a 〈◊〉 about his neck to whom master Mayor because it was the 〈◊〉 Ape put off his hat made a leg but Iack let him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 But mistris 〈◊〉 cōming next in her clean linnen held her hands before her belly and like a womā of good bréeding made a low curtsie 〈◊〉 quoth he I thinke shee bee in a presumption a consumption thou wouldst say said the Physitian I told you before the fellow replyed that I doe not vnderstand your allegant spéeches Well quoth the Doctor doth thy wife kéepe her bed No truly sir said he she sold her bed a fortnight since verily quoth the Doctor shée is very costiue Costly said the man your Worship sayes true for I haue spent all that I haue vpon her almost Said the Doctor I doe not say costly but costiue and I pray thee tell me is she loose or bound Indeed sir said the man she is bound to me during her life and I am bound to her yea but I pray thée said the Doctor tell me in plaine termes how she goes to stoole truly said the fellow in plaine termes shee goes to stoole very strangely for in the morning it is so hard that your Worship can scarce bite it with your téeth and at night it is so thin that you might eat it with a spoone 103 GOod fellowes hauing well washed their 〈◊〉 in wine at a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of them was very 〈◊〉 to be gone to whom another of them said I pray thée be pà tient talke no more of going for 〈◊〉 thou wilt 〈◊〉 still but a little thou shalt 〈◊〉 that we shall all be gone though 〈◊〉 stay here 104 AN 〈◊〉 who dwelt with a rich 〈◊〉 he had was by a Courtier begged for a foole 〈◊〉 the foole perceiuing 〈◊〉 home to his vncles Parlour which was fairly hung with 〈◊〉 hangings and in euery one of the hangings was the 〈◊〉 of a foole wrought So the Foole watching his opportunty that no body was in the parlour he tooke a knife and cut the fooles pictures out of euery hanging and went and 〈◊〉 them in a hay 〈◊〉 which when his vncle came in 〈◊〉 saw be was very angry demanded who had spoiled his hangings 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said the Ideot I did cut out all the fooles for there is a great man at Court that hath begged mée for a foole and hée would haue all 〈◊〉 rich 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 can heare of therefore did I 〈◊〉 the in all out of your 〈◊〉 and I 〈◊〉 did 〈◊〉 where I thinke he will not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 105 A 〈◊〉 being scoulded at by his Wife would make her 〈◊〉 hee would 〈◊〉 himselfe and as he went toward the 〈◊〉 his Wife followed him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 or at the least to let her 〈◊〉 with him 〈◊〉 quoth hee speake 〈◊〉 for I am in 〈◊〉 then husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 séeing you will drowne your selfe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you to take my counsell which is that you 〈◊〉 not your selfe into this 〈◊〉 place here for it will 〈◊〉 my heart to sée 〈◊〉 long you will 〈◊〉 a dying but 〈◊〉 with me a little way and I will 〈◊〉 you a déepe place where you 〈◊〉 be dispatched presently 106 A 〈◊〉 in Scotland lay dying to 〈◊〉 her husband said Wife now 〈◊〉 art 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 leaue me alone I pray 〈◊〉 tell 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 shall I marry She replyed are you in 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the breath 〈◊〉 out of my 〈◊〉 then 〈◊〉 the deuils dam not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I haue had his daughter already and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 should match with his 〈◊〉 too 〈◊〉 I should 〈◊〉 guiltie of 〈◊〉 107 THere was a Gentleman that was of a very 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 at all things and 〈◊〉 seldome pleased with any 〈◊〉 and withall was a great 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and as 〈◊〉 time he beat and 〈◊〉 his man the 〈◊〉 ran from him and told one of his 〈◊〉 that he thought his master was 〈◊〉 med into Brawne for he was all Choller and that he thought the reason 〈◊〉 his kicking was because hee 〈◊〉 Colts-foot 〈◊〉 mong his Tobacco 108 A Doctor of 〈◊〉 in Italy asked a waterman if he might 〈◊〉 well by water ouer the 〈◊〉 Po the fellow told him 〈◊〉 but the Doctor when he came to the water side and saw it was a little 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 was very angry and said You Watermen are the veriest 〈◊〉 in the world for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you care not to cast a man 〈◊〉 to whom the Waterman replyed Sir it appeares we are men of a cheaper function and better conscience then you for you sometimes will not cast a man away vnder 40 50 or 100 crownes 109 ONe borrowed a cloack of a gentleman and met one that knew him who said I thinke I know that cloake it may be so said the other I borrowed it of such a gentleman the other told him that it was too short yea but quoth he that had the cloake I will haue it long enougth before I bring it home a gaine 110 A Poore womans husband was to bee hanged at the towne of Lancaster and on the excution day 〈◊〉 entreated the 〈◊〉 to bée good to her 〈◊〉 stand her friend the 〈◊〉 said that hee could doe her no hurt for her husband was condemned and iudged by the law and therefore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 suffer Ah good master Shrieue said the woman it is not his life that I aske but because I haue farre home and my mare is old and stiffe therfore I would entreat you to doe me the fauour to let my husband be hanged first 111 ONe came into a Colledge in an Uniuersity and asked how many Fellowes belonged to the house another replyed that there were more good fellowes then good 〈◊〉 two to one 112 A Fellow being drunke was brought before a Iustice who committed him to 〈◊〉 and the next day when he was to be discharged he was to come to the Iustice againe who said to him Sirrah you were not 〈◊〉 the last night 〈◊〉 Worship sayes true said the fellow Yea but you were drunke said the Iustice and you did abuse me and said I was a wise Iustice the fellow replyed If I said 〈◊〉 I thinke I was drunke indéed and I cry your Worship mercy for I will neuer doe you that wrong when I am sober 113 A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 eye chanced to 〈◊〉 a man in the field 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 hath 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the other man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 whereat the 〈◊〉 man suddenly cast downe his Rapier 〈◊〉 Buenas noches which in the Spanish tongue is goodnight FINIS