as followeth It is a maruaile Scoggin that you being now a gentleman of good qualitie and one of good ruputation would venture thus to get maides with childe nay rather qd Scoggin were it a maruaile if a maide had gotten me with childe Scoggin deceiued by a country wench SCoggin as he trauelled abroad was in a towne where in y e In was a pretty maid whose fauour was placed in a corner of Scoggins affection and talking with her appointed to meete him at the bottome of a paire of staires when night and the houre came and the maide subtilly sent downe her mistris who Scoggin catching in his armes art come wench sates hee out alas sayes the mistris not knowing who it was Scoggin hearing it was the mistris start a side and the maide came downe with the candle she espyed a glimse of Scoggin in the dark who slept into another roome how now mistris said the maide something said shee affrighted me some man sure for I heard him speake no no mistris said the maid it was no man it was a Bull calfe that I shut into a roome till Iohn our pounder came to haue pounded him for a stray had I thought that said shee I would haue hit him such a knock on his forehead that his hornes should neuer haue graft his coxecombe and departs vp againe affraid but how Scoggin tooke this iest thinke you How Scoggin deceiued a Drapers maide SScoggin another time lacked money and being a faire yong man without any haire on his face got him on an ancient Gentlewomans gowne putting a Cushion vnder his aporne and a French-hood vpon his head and so vpon a Sunday in seruice time went to a Drapers house the maister and all his house being at Church except a maide seruant that dressed dinner so comming like an olde Gentlewoman to the doore where knocking very orderly the maide comes and asked what hée would haue taking him to be some substantiall Gentlewoman marry quoth Scoggin after I pray you stand a gentlewomans friend so much as to let her make water in your kitchin for I am ashamed to do it in the street am so neere beset that I can goe no further the honest simple maide deeming all to be true let him goe into the kitchin wherein being no sooner come but hee bound the maide hand and foote and put a gagge into her mouth and after tooke what he pleased and so left the maide there gaping on the ground with a gag in her mouth at last comes the good wife home from the Church where entring into the kitchin as her manner was and finding her maide in this pitifull taking was so amazed that shee stood sencelesse till her husband came home who likewise finding his Maide vpon the ground gaping for breath vngagd her and asked her how she came into that extremitie marry maister quoth she here came the diuell in a French hood and gagd me and robbed you for I am sure it was no woman shee was so strong but she draper could neuer neither get the theefe nor his goods againe but contented himselfe with that losse and euer after left more company at home Of Scoggins short answere at dinner while VPon a time there was an olde priest and Scoggin dined together in Rome where there was but litle store of meate but Scoggin hauing a good stomacke and being a iolly fat man put off his dublet the better to fill his belly began to lay an loade with his teeth as though he had eaten no meate in two or three dayes before the which being perceiued by the other olde man that sat at the table he began to aske Scoggin many questions thinking thereby to hinder the busie filling of his belly but Scoggin because hee would not loose much time answered the old man very briefely altogether in sillables the questions and aunsweres were these What Garment doe yee weare Strange What wine doe ye drinke Red. What flesh doe you eate Beefe Now like you this Wine Good You drinke none such at home No. What eate you vpon Fridaies Egges and such like but all this while he lost not one mouthfull of meate for his month was still going and yet answered readily to all his questions By this meanes the oldman went halfe hungry away How Scoggin for one day serued in a Priests roome SCoggin beeing at Rome and lodged in a Priests house there where an old churchman that on a Sonday could not performe his dutie to the parish Whereupon Scoggin taking vpon him the Priestes office and as though he had bene another Curate dwelling hard by went to the Church and said seruice both forenoone and afternoone but as the order was then the parishioners came before Seruice and confessed them to the priest but amongst the rest there came to Scoggin a poore Blacksmith to be confessed to whom he said How sayeth thou friend art thou not a fornicator The poore man said no. Quoth Scoggin againe art thou not a glutton Art thou not supethious he said still no Scoggin perceiuing he said still no to euery thing began to wonder asking againe Art thou not concupicent No sir said hee Why what art thou then quoth Scoggin I am said hee a poore Blacksmith for beholde here is my hammer There was also another that answered in like manner to this confessor the which is some what in better order it was Sheepeheard whom Scoggin did aske friend how sayest thou Hast thou kept the commandements of the Church No neither then said Scoggin vnto him what hast thou then kept I neuer kept any thing but sheepe in all my life quoth the shepheard Yet there was another who after hee had declared all his faults was asked if any thing else stucke in his conscience He answered nothing but that vpon a time hee had stolne a Halter Well said Scoggin to steale a Halter is no great matter Yea but said the man there was a horse tyed at the end thereof I marry qd Scoggin that is another manner of matter there is difference betweene a horse and a halter you must therefore restore backe the horse and the next time that hee come againe I will absolue you for the halter How Scoggin and three or foure more deceiued a Tapster in Rome ON a night Scoggin and three or foure of the Popes seruants beeing merrily disposed consulted how they might haue good cheare and pay no money and euery one inuented away as they thought best at last Scoggin said I haue inuented a cleanely shift at the signe of the Rose against Saint Peters Church is a new Tayster which ere this hath not seene any of vs and he is also pourblinde so that if he see vs hereafter he cannot know vs. Therefore wee will go thither and make good cheare and when wée haue a reckoning wée will contend who shall pay all then will I say to auoide the contention that the Tayster shall bee blinded and we will runne round
passing well entertained him most courteously all to be fooled the Inholder and his mate and sent them away with a flea in their eare but when Scoggin saw himselfe discharged out of their hands he stood iesting and pointing at their follie and so taught them by cunning both more wit and thrift against another time Scoggins description of a pot of Ale VPon a time Scoggin came vnto a great Person in Rome and made such merry pastime before him that in recompence thereof he was bidden to demaund any reasonable request and he should haue it Marry my request quoth Scoggin shall be reasonable enough for I came nothing at your handes but euery day whilst I liue a pot of Ale and the appurtenances belonging to the same the which hee had giuen him vnder an assurance Now by this gift quoth Scoggin you haue giuen me sixe pence a day whilst I liue for the appurtenances are farre more costlier then the pot it selfe which I will proue in this manner First I must euery day haue a penny for a pot of Ale a penny for a loafe to make a toast a penny for a faggot to toast it a penny for Sinnamon and Ginger a penny for Nutmegs and Sugar and a penny for mine Hostice to beare me company without the which a pot of Ale is like a blew coate without a Badge For a blew Coate without a Badge is like an Ale house without a signe How Scoggin gaue a reckoning Pot. SCoggin vpon a time dwelt at Rome vpon the Cardinale rents in which house keeping an Alehouse there came certaine Schollers and other to drinke but being set downe one of the Schollers said bee merrie my good fellowes for none shall spend a penny but my selfe at which wordes the whole company thinking that he would pay for all called in a reckoning of some twelu◠pence which when they came to pay there was no more money amongst them all but the Schollers penny the which Scoggin hearing them sitting by the fire and knowing them to be honest mens sonnes for that time tooke the penny for the whole reckoning and after sat him downe againe by the fire in the Chaire the Schollers sate still looking one vpon another and at last one of them said What mine Hoast is the reckoning all paide It is my guests quoth Scoggin sith I can get no more Why then quoth the Scholler againe I hope we shall haue a reckoning Pot giuen vs A reckoning Pot my voyes quoth Scoggin and but a penny paide for all I faith that you shall though I buy it dearely my Lads so starting vp fetcht them a reckoning Pot. But it fell out that at Christmas following when Scoggin came to pay his rent he was bid to dinner where for want of table talke he told the Cardinall of this pleasant iest that hapned amongst these schollers the which so highly pleased and contented the Cardinall that hee gaue him a lease of the same house for one and twenty yeares following for iust nothing which afterward was woorth to Scoggin better then an hundred pound How Scoggin made a Cobler beleeue that he was dead SCoggin being still about Rome hee grew acquainted with a poore handy-craftsman a mender of old shooes in wit very simple and as I may terme him a very foole Scoggin meaning to make some sport with this simple fellow vpon a time came vnto him and gazed very earnestly in his face saying I maruell my friend how thou art able to walke abroad for I see that thou art very sick death himselfe appeares in thy face After this another of Scoggins acquaintance come vnto the Cobler and in like manner vseth the same wordes and after him another all by Scoggins deuising By which meanes the poore fellow was brought into such a conceit that he thought himselfe sicke in deede and so to bed he went where after he had layne a while hee would needes die being dead in conceite he was wound in his winding sheet and laide on the Beere as the countrey order is and on foure mens backes borne towards the Church but by the way méeting with an vnhappy Boy who asked the bearers who was going to bee buried Who answered poore Iacob the honest Cobler Quoth the Boy againe What is Iacob the Cobler dead Nay it is no matter for he may be wel spared for he was the veriest knaue in al the towne With that the Cobler started vp and said Oh thou vnhappy Gallowes boy if I were aliue as I am dead I would soundly bee labour thée for slaundring thus a poore dead man going to be buried The people hearing the dead man thus speake thought it a miracle and so bore him home to his house againe Of Scoggins most strange and monstrous beast ON a time Scoggin béeing in Rome grew very merily disposed and meaning for to make his acquaintance somewhat pleasant he want to a Painter and made him to draw the picture of a most strange Horse with his head standing where his taile should stand and his taile where his head should stand the picture being thus strangely painted he hang it foorth at a window by which many simple people repaired thither and gaue him pence a peece to behold this strange monster so gathering a number of them together in a yard at last he let them all into a stable to see this aforesaid monster but being entred into the stable they saw no other monster but a horse with his taile tied vp to the cratch to a bottle of hay and his head to the groope where the tayle should stand Thus were the simple people flouted and Scoggins acquintance made very merry thereby How Scoggin bestowed vpon his friends excellent good Sammon VPon a time Scoggin bad many of his friends come home to make merry with him who was to goe to a banquet of all other meates requested at his hands some excellent good Sammon which as then was not to bee had for any money in all Rome but yet to satisfie his friends desires he promised to send for some the which he did so sitting downe to dinner in the midst whereof came in thrée of his honest neighbours and sate them downe likewise at the table but his friends expected still the Sammon at last demaunded for the same Why quoth Scoggin here it is They séeing nothing asked where Marry here quoth he pointing to his 3. neighbours you requested excellent good Sammon here is excellent here is good and there 's Sammon for so were his three neighbours called Being thus by this pleasant iest deceiued of their longing they passed away dinner time with great delight and iollity Scoggins opinion of Oysters CErtaine Noble men and Ladies of the Court being eating Oysters one of them seeing Scoggin called him and asked if he loued Oysters No quoth Scoggin for they be vngodly meate vncharitable meate and vnprofitable meate why quoth the courtier they are vngodly because they are eaten without grace
being a Norman borne by his mothers apointment came vnto Scoggin and told him that he had a desire to become one of the Church but hee could write and reade very little neuerthelesse hauing hard say that money made all he breake him mind vnto maister Scoggin asking his counsell how to rule and gouerne himselfe in this matter marry quoth Scoggin the Pope when thou commest to be admitted Priest cannot vnderstand thy Naturall speach I will learne thee to speake so much Latine as shall serue thy turne when thou art before him which being well placed he shall thinke thee to bee a profound Scholler The Frenchman was very glad to heare these tidings so that in all hast he would needs know these three wordes Friend saith Scoggin so soone as thou art come before the Pope thou shalt fall downe vpon thy knees saying Salue sancte Pater Then he will aske thee in lattine Vnde es tu that is to say of whence art thou Thou shalt answere him De Normania then he wil aske thee Vbi sunt litterae tuae thou shalt say vnto him In Mentica mea and presently without any more adoe thou shalt be made a Priest whereupon the Frenchman being so merry and iocund that he remained fiftéene dayes with Scoggin to learne these thrée Latine words and when he thought that he had learned them well he tooke his iourney towards Rome by the way he did nothing but repeat his Lattine but in repeating it so often he forgat the first word Salue sancte Pater And knew not how to learne it againe nor where to finde a man could do it But see the lucke of it he chaunced vpon a Saturday morning to come into a church to pray where as he heard them sing the Masse of our Lady which was salue sancte parens wherunto the Frenchman gaue eare now God be praised and our blessed Ladie said he I haue found my Latine againe and so set forward with his Latin salue sacte parens thinking it to be the right And at length he came to Rome before the Pope did his reuerence vpon his knees saying vnto him Salue sancte parens the pope said vnto him Ego non sum mater Christi The Frenchman answered De Normania The Pope grew angry and said Daemonium habes in manica mea answered the Frenchman and therewithall he put his hand into his sleeue to pull out his lettrrs the Pope began to be afraid thinking he would haue pulled the diuell out of his sleeue and ran away as fast as his legs would beare him Thus was our poore geâ—â—ed Frenchman disappointed of his priesthood who for very griefe within a while after died and was buried by a company of Friers of the holy order How Scoggin cousoned the Friers in Rome PResently vpon the Frenchmans iourney to Rome Scoggin left Fraunce and likewise went to see Rome where he was no sooner come but inquiring of the Frenchmans proceedings who had intelligence that he was dead for griefe whereupon Scoggin in a mockery went to a certaine company of gray Friers who made them beleeue that the Frenchmans soule was in Purgatorie and if hée would giue them ten Duckets they would redeeme him from thence the which he earnestly promised Whereupon the Friers fell all to their charmes and solemne masses to redéeme as they relieued the poore Frenchmans soule out of purgatorie which being done as they thought they came to demand their ten Duckets of Scoggin who asked them if there was any danger of his returne againe to purgatory being once by their good prayers deliuered from thence They answered no Why then quoth Scoggin it were a néedlesse charitie to giue any thing to him that is alreadie in safety and therefore I thinke it good policy to keep my money in store to pleasure some other poore soule not yet deliuered and so sent them away fasting without their money How Scoggin sate at the Popes table VVIthin a month after Scoggins arriuall in Rome he got so much fauour that he was vpon a time bidden to supper by the Pope himselfe and being in the midst of their Iunkets the Pope asked his seruitors for the peacocke that was dressed for his dinner which hee coÌ„manded to be kept for his supper which not being done according he grew into a great rage for it Scoggin sitting then by him at board perswaded his holinesse not to bee angry To whom the Pope replyed saying If God were so highly offended in Paradice for casting out our old father Adam from thence and onely for eating an Apple why should not I being his vicar on earth be more furious for a peacocke knowing how farre it is in value aboue a rotten Apple How Scoggin vsed a Taylor in Rome VPon a time there was a simple Taylor dwelling in Rome that vpon a day came into a church where the image of Saint Iohn Baptist was honoured who falling on both his knees hée humbly desired to know whether his wife at any time had wantonly abused him and what fortune should follow his young sonne Scoggin standing by and well practist in such knauish toyes hapned to ouer-hears his petition who secretly stepped behind the alter and faining the voice of Saint Iohn answered him my deare friend and faithfull follower for thy long reuerent worshipping and deuotion thou hast done vnto me I will truly tell thee Thy wife hath many times borned thy head and thy young childe within few yeares shall be hanged wherefore depart in peace since thy prayers be heard Whereat the Taylor rising vp in a rage tooke his leaue without a farewell but when he was a little past from him without any reuerence he turned backe and said what art thou for a Saint Scoggin answered I am thy good Saint Iohn Baptist My Saint quoth the Taylor thou art the diuell a liar a slanderer and a foule mouth'd slaue as thou hast beene since thy beginning for that babling tongue of thine caused Herod worthily to cut off thy head I haue prayed to thee this twenty yeares and haue offered more candles before thee then I am worth wherfore I will sée thée hanged as thou wast headed before I will come to thee againe How Scoggin tooke a Frier tardie IN Rome there was one Frier Thomas who to obserue the straigt lawes of their religion had his concubine close in his bed to help him say his mattens at midnight now Scoggin beeing well acquainted with this Frier made bold of his company at all times so comming vp of a sodaine into the chamber in the â—â—rning by chance they both a slepe he saw foure naked feete hang out of the bed whereat he seemeth greatly to wonder and sodainly put his hand out of the window and mainely cryed what ho come sée a miracle come see a miracle for Frier Thomas hath foure legges Whereupon they were so ashamed that they knew not how to excuse the matter How Scoggin coniured a walking Ghost VVHilst