injured the other to the Defendant pittying him as compelled to Law but taking bribes of both with this condition to restore the money if the Cause went against them Their Lord ignorant hereof alwayes did impartial justice whilest his two serants making people pay for what was given them by compact shared the money between them which in conclusion cost the Master the losse of his Office Dr. Perne DOctor Perne Master of Peter house and Dean of Ely in Cambridge this Person was very facetious and excellent at blunt sharp jests and loved that kind of mirth even so as to be noted for his wit in them This Dean chanced to call a Clergy-man fool that indeed was little better who replyed that he would complain thereof to the Lord Bishop of Ely Do saith the Dean when you will and my Lord Bishop will confirm you Yet was Doctor Perne himselfe at last heart-broken with a jest being at Court in the time of Queen Elizabeth with Archbishop Whitgift his Pupil It seemes he was noted to have altred his religion with the several raignes of Hen. 8. Ed. 6. Q. Mary and Queen Elizabeth It fell out at his being there as aforesaid the Queen was disposed and resolved that afternoon for all it rained very hard to goe abroad contrary to the mind of her Ladies on Horseback Coaches not being then common who were to attend her Now one Clod the Queen's Jester was employ'd by the Courtiers to laugh the Queen out of so inconvenient a journey which he performed in this manner Heaven quoth he Madam disswades you it is cold and wet and Earth disswades you it is moist and dirty Heaven disswades you this Heavenly minded man Archbishop Whitgift and Earth disswades you your fool Clod such a lump of clay as my selfe And if neither will prevaile with You here is one that is neither Heaven nor Earth but hangs betwixt both Doctor Perne and he also disswades you hereat the Queen and the Courtiers laughed heartily whilst the Doctor withdrew himselfe to Lambeth and there dyed out of meer conceit of this publick dictery Queen Elizabeth QUeen Elizabeth was of an undaunted courage so that once a prime Officer with a white staffe whose name for his honorable Posterities sake shall be passed by coming into her presence the Queen willed him to confer such a place now void on one of her Servants whom she commended unto him Please your Highnesse Madam said the Lord the disposall hereof pertaineth to me by vertue of this white stasse conferred upon me True said the Queen yet I never gave you the office so absolutly but I still reserved my selfe of the Quorum But of the Quarum Madam replied he presuming on her favor hereat the Queen in some passion snatching the staffe out of his hand You shall acknowledge me said she of the Quorum Quarum Quorum before you have your staffe againe Wood of Kent NIcholas Wood I cannot but observe him as a living jest and merriment of the times though the greatest grief and sorrow to himself imaginable through his Caninus Appetitus or doggish appetite he was a Landed Man and true Labourer he would eat provision for twenty men at a meal a whole Hogg at a sitting and at another time thirty dozen of Pigeons this by the modern trenchermen is called playing at a bit and so is rancked here in that Topick Bishop Bancroft THIS excellent Prelate was very much abused by virulent tongues and pens of the Puritan party being he that managed the Conference at Hampton-Court so learnedly and acutely so that as Mithridates their venemous tongues became food to him Once a Gentleman coming to visit him presented him a libell lye because false bell because loud which he found posted on his door who nothing moved hereat Cast it said he to an hundred more which lie here upon a heap in my Chamber A Pike IT is known of what voracity Pikes are being called the Tyrants of Rivers Once a Cub-Fox drinking out of the river Arnus in Italy had his head seized on by a mighty Pike so that neither could free themselves but were ingrapled together in this contest a young man runs to the water takes them both out alive and carrieth them to the Duke of Florence whose Palace was near thereunto The Porter would not admit him without promising of sharing his full halfe in what the Duke should give him To which he hopeless otherwise of Entrance condescended The Duke highly effected with the rarity was on giving him a good reward which the other refused desiring his Highness would appoint one of his guard to give him a hundred Lashes that so the Porter might have fifty according to his Composition Apes THere is a sort of Apes in India caught by the Natives thereof in this manner they dresse a little boy in his sight and undresse him again leaving all the Childs aparell behind them and then depart a convenient distance The Ape presently atyreth himselfe in the same garments till the Childs cloathes become his chains putting of his feet by putting on his Shoos as most of our Gallants doe for French fashions leaving the old English manners Lord William Cecill HE was Secretary and Lord Treasurer to Queen Elizabeth for about 30. yeares together Ancestor of the Earle of Exeter being Moderator Auleae steering the Court at his pleasure and whilest the Earle of Leicester would endure no equal and Sussex no Superiour therein he by sideing with neither served himselfe with both Incredible was the kindnesse which Queen Elizabeth had for him or rather for her selfe in him being sensible that he was so able a Minister of State coming once to visit him being sick of the Gourt at Burley house in the Strand and being much heightned with her head attire then in fashion the Lords servant who conducted her through the door May your Highnesse said he be pleased to stoop the Queen returned For your Masters sake I will stoop but not for the King of Spain Sutton the Founder of that Hospital HE got his Estate by being Pay-master at Berwick under the Queen and by being thrifty and frugall in that employment and then turned merchant He had a merchant his Comrade with whom he had Company in common but their charges were several to themselves when his friend in travel called for two Fagots Mr Sutton called for one when his friend called for halfe a Pint of Wine Mr Sutton for a Gill underspending him a moiety at last Mr Sutton hearing of his Friends Death and that he left but fifty thousand pounds Estate I thought said he he would die no rich Man who made such needlesse Expences The Kings Champion SIr Robert Dimock being by inheritance the Kings Champion at the Coronation of Henry the 7. came on Horseback into Westminster Hall where the King according to custome dined and casting his Gauntlet on the ground challenged any who durst question the Kings right to the Crown King Henry being pleased to dissemble himselfe a stranger to that Ceremony demanded of a stander-by what that Knight said to whom the party returned He challengeth any man to fight with him who dares deny your Highnesse to be the lawfull King of England If
he will not fight with such a one said the King I will Sir Thomas Gresham OSterley House was built by Sir Thomas Gresham now it is Sir William Wallers where Sir Thomas entertained Queen Elizabeth Being there Her Majesty found fault with the Court of the House as too great affirming that it would appear more handsome if divided with a wall in the midle What doth Sir Thomas but in the night time sends for workmen from London who so silently and speedily followed their work that the next morning discovered that Court double which the night had left single before the Queen was very well pleased while a Courtier disported her with this quibble that it was no wonder he could so soon change a building who could build a Change Disputation AT an extraordinary Act of Divinity kept at Cambridge before King James when Dr. John Davenant was Answerer and Dr. Richardson amongst others the Oposer the Question was maintained in the Negative concerning the excommunication of Kings Dr. Richardson vigorously pressed the practice of St. Ambrose excommunicating the Emperour Theodosius insomuch that the King in some passion returned Truly it was most insolently done by St. Ambrose to whome Dr. Richardson replied This is a Majestick answer and befitting Alexander this is not to untie but cut the argument Sir John Cuts SIR John Cuts of Cambridg-shire was a most bountifull house-keeper as any of his estate insomuch that Queen Elizabeth in the beginning of her Reign whilest yet she had peace with Spain the sicknesse being at London ordered the Spanish Embassadour to this Knights house the Embassadour coming thither and understanding his name to be John Cuts conceived himselfe disparaged to be sent to one of so short a name the Spanish Gentlemen generally having voluminous names helpt and stuft out with Titles usually adding the place of their habitation for the elongation thereof But soon after that the Don found that what the Knight lacked in length of name he made up in the largnesse of his entertainment The Countesse of Shrewsbury MAry Queen of Scots Mother of King James being committed to the keeping of George Earle of Shrewsbury who had married a Lady of a notable pregnant and undaunted spirit the custody of so great a Princesse on the Earles cost was quickly by her found to be chargeable and which was worse dangerous the Papists of the kingdome daily practising her enlargement it hapned this Countesse coming to the Court Queen Elizabeth demanded of her how the Queen of Scots did Madam said she she cannot doe ill while she is with my Husband and I begin to grow jealous they are so great together Whereupon the Queen who liked not any familiarity of that royal Prisoner with so great and potent a Peer ordered her removall thence into the custody of others Sir Arthur Chichester SIR Arthur Chichester once Lord Deputy of Ireland being recalled thence was sent Ambassador to the Emperor by King James about that labour in vain of the Palatinate returning thence the place where he was the City of Maynchin was besieged by Count Tilly the Emperor's Generall to whom my Lord Chichester sent word that it was against the Law of Nations to besiege an Ambassador Tilly replyed That he took no notice he was an Ambassador the other rejoyned by the Messenger Had my Master sent me with as many hundred men as he hath sent me on fruitlesse messages hither your Generall should have known that I had been as well a Souldier as an Ambassador Thomas Stukely THomas Stukely the famous Glorioso was a younger Brother of an ancient wealthy and worshipfull Family neer Ilfracombe in the County of Devon having prodigally mispent his Patrimony he entred on severall projects which centred in a designe and perswasion of his being a Prince In this he was so confident that be blushed not to tell Queen Elizabeth that he preferred rather to he Soveraign of a Mole-hill then to be the highest Subject to the greatest King in Christendome adding moreover that he was assured he should be a Prince before his death I hope said Queen Elizabeth I shall hear from you when you are stated in your principality I will write unto you quoth Stukely In what language said the Queen He returned in the stile of Princes To our dear Sister Earle of Oxford HEnry Vere the seventeenth of that name Earle of Oxford and the last Lord Chamberlain of England of his Family whose sturdy nature would not bow to Court Complements but maintain what he spake came one day to the Court with a great milk white Feather about his Hat which was then somewhat unusuall save that a person of his merit might make a fashion a Lord an Enemy to his Family and one whose ancestors were blemished said in a way of jeer to him My Lord you wear a very fair Feather It is true said the Earl and if you mark it there 's ne're a Taint in it Indeed that Noble Family deserve their Motto Vero nil verius A Bite TWO Gentlemens Servants falling out one belonging to a Courtier of great place another to a Countrey Esquire fell at last to vye the noblenesse of their Masters and their superiority saith the one My master spends more in Mustard then thine in Beef whereunto the other returned The more sawcy men his Followers Mr. Richard Hackluit Mr. Richard Hackluit a very memorable person who writ that book of the English Voyages so usefull for all Sea-Men for which he deserves well of this Nation dying left a very fair Estate to an unthrift Son who embezilled it all away in a shamlesse manner vanting that be had cheated the covetous Usurer who had given him spick and span new money for the old land of his great great Grandfather Beggars Bush THere is a place called Beggars Bush in Huntingtonshire grown into a Proverb This is the way to Beggars Bush it happened that King James being in progresse in those parts with Sir Francis Bacon the Lord Chancellour having heard that morning that my Lord had prodigiously rewarded a mean man for a small present Sir Francis said he You will quickly come to Beggars Bush and I may even go along with you if both be so bountifull Name ONE immoderately boasted that there was not any of his name in all England and yet he was a Gentleman to whome one in the company returned I am sorry Sir you have never a good man of your name Sir Walter Rawleigh SIR Walter Rawleighs first admittance to Queen Elizabeths favour was from this occasion he was one day at Court after his coming out of Ireland in a very good habit his cloaths were then a considerable part of his Estate and there found the Queen walking till meeting
that Town one of the Garrison Horsemen going over the Bridge while the Town was in a hurry his Horse startled took a freake and leapt with his rider from off the Bridge into the River being a dangerous fall but coming plump down Horse and Man over head and eares swom out safely to the shore The Gentleman spurs him up and brings him to the same place of the Bridge again Quoth he you did it with a vengance before for your own pleasure you shall leape it again now for mine and so spurd him over and it pleased God they both came safe out again to the astonishment of the spectators Organs A Gentleman would needs invite a Lady to see the order and beauty of the Kings Chappell and one day waited upon her thither just as they came to the Door to enter the Organs went he takes her in his hand to presse through no indeed Sir saith she holding back I pray excuse me I do assure you I cannot dance Queen Mary GReat hopes there were by the Papists that Queen Mary was with Child nor did she think other of her selfe so that by Whitsontide it was expected she should be brought a bed many Processions and set prayers to the purpose were used a solemne thanksgiving for her inpregnation the time of her delivery thus Calculated neer thereabouts a Rumor was presently spread that the Queen was delivered of a hopefull Prince whereupon many bonfires were made in London with ringing of Bells and such like expressions of joy and the like solemnities were used soon after by the English at Antwerp In all which as there seemed a spice of madness yet none was altogether so wild as the Curate of St Anns neer Aldersgate who took upon him after the end of the procession to describe the proportion of the Child how fair how beautyfull and a great Prince it was adding The like whereof had never been seen Disputation AT the disputation at Oxford in Q. Maries Times between the Papists Doctor Arch Bishop Cranmer Bishop Ridley and Latimer then disputing for their lives Doctor Weston the Prolocutor opened the business in hand with this preface you must know that Transubstantiation was the thing to be maintained by the Romanists ye are assembled hither brethren this day to confound that detestable Heresy of the verity of the body of Christ in the Sacrament this occasioned no small shame in some more laughter in others which was heightned by as bad a solecisme in his behaviour for during the whole time of the coutroversy he had alwayes a cup of Wine or other good liquor standing by him when a cogent argument for their side which he well liked was urged having the cup in his hand he cryed out follow this insist upon this this makes for us which was spoken too in as bad Latin as manners Lord Hunsdon SIR Henry Cary of whom before was a great fauourite of Queen Elizabeths and who did her good service of which she was no heedlesse regarder in any of her subjects It is reported of him as cheife part of his Character that his Latin and his dissimulation and Courtship were alike false He was designed Earl of Wilishire but the Queen for some reasons delayed the investiture falling dangerously sick to comfort and revive him she then caused the Earles robes and the Patent to be brought to his bed side and there would have created him No Madam said the stout Lord you thought me not worthy of them while I was living and I thinke my selfe unworthy of them now I am a dying King Philip. CHarles the 5. having resigned all his hereditary Crownes and Dominions except the Empire of Germany to King Philip the second his son who was by the marriage with Queen Mary the potent'st Prince in Europe betook himselfe to a retired life in the Monastery of St Justus having then scarce attained to the 55. year of his life to the great admiration of all the World After which act he found himselfe so abandoned by all his followers that sitting up late at night in conference with Seldius his Brothers Ambassador he had not a servant within call to light the Gentlemen down stayres whereupon the Emperour took the candle into his own hands and would needes in his own person performe that office and having brought him to the top of the stayres said unto him Remember Seldius that thou hast known the Emperour Charles whom thou hast seen in the head of so many Armies reduced to so low a state as to performe the office of an ordinary servant to his Brothers Minster Terme IN the 5. of Queen Mary 1558 there was such a thin Terme that there was but one Lawyer in the Kings Bench Mr Foster and one Serjeant Mr Bouloise at the Common Pleas both having little more to do then to look about them and the Judges not more to do then the Lawyers had who in the quiet times were much increased as may be gathered from the words of Heiwood the old Epigrammatist and one much made of by this Queen who being told of the great number of them and that the multitude of them would impoverish the whole profession made answer No for that alwayes the more Spaniels there were in the field the more was the Game Stumps the Clothier KIng Henry the Eight hunting neer Malmsborough in the County of Wiltshire where this Tho. Stumps dwelt in Bredon Forrest came with all his Court Train unexpected to this Clothier being a Man of great wealth and the greatest Trade of cloathing in England But great House-keepers are as seldome surprized with guests as vigilant Captaines with enemies for Stumps hearing thereof commands his little Army of Workmen which he fed daily in his House to fast one meal until night which they might easily do without endangering their health and with the same provision gave the King and his Court Train though not so delicious and various most wholesome and plentifull entertainment Sir Thomas Wyat. SIR Thomas Wyat engaging in that Rebellion of Henry Gray Duke of Suffolk against Queen Mary upon pretence of her matching with a forrain Popish Prince being suspected thereof by the Queen was warned from her by a Herald at Armes sent to him to desist from further intelligence or commotion in that businesse on his allegiance and the penalties of Treason and Rebellion The Herald coming to Sir Thomas his House in Kent with his Coat Armour on his back found it to be moated round and the draw Bridge drawn up whereupon espying a Man walking on the other side he called to him told him the hast of his businesse and enquiring whether there was no passing over nor shallowes in the place The Man replyed yes he might go over there The Herald attempting it was souced over head and eares and his life endangered but recovering the bank he alighted from his Horse and with great fury and anger came storming into the House missing of his guide and complained
Henry Wotton UPon consideration of those many panegyricks and laudatory speeches letters and exhortations to great men he once said that though the manner of Painters be to mend the picture by the life yet with generous minded men it should be inverted viz. to mend the life by the picture to become such as those encomiums expresse a man to be Businesse IT was usuall saying of my Lord Bacon that it was in businesse as it is frequently in wayes that the next and neerest way is commonly the foulest and that if a man will go the fairest way he must go somewhat about Robert Earle of Leicester THis Earle was the greatest Hypocrite and subtle enemy in England much voyced up by the non conformists for his patronage of them whereby he drew that faction clearly to his side he was alwayes very distrustfull and jealous and sad examples there were of his treachery and it was his usuall saying that we read that we ought to forgive our enemies but we do not read that we ought to forgive our friends Earle of Essex IT was usually said of Robert Earle of Essex the Father of the last deceased and who was altogether as military and popular and I remember an observation made that when the Son departed from London to Barnet and so onward against the King it was bruited that with the same Pomp his father began his expedition the same road to Ireland and soon after lost his Head which fate was suspected to attend his Son though a potion its thought did the same effect that he was the the greatest usurer in England for that he had turned all his Estate having wasted a great part thereof in his severall voyages and expeditions by caressing the the souldiers into obligations Caesar Borgia THe supposed Nephew but son of Pope Alexander the sixth one of the worst of that see yet so great a Benefactor to the family of this present Pope that he hath assumed his name by the name of Alexander the seventh after long division betwixt him and the Estates of Romania came to an agreement with them in the Treaty there was an article that he should not call them at any time altogether in person Their intention was that knowing his treacherous and cruel nature if he meant them any danger or treason he might not have the opportunity or advantage to oppresse them altogether at once Notwithstanding he brought it so about by his finesses and artifices that he won upon their confidence to assemble together at Cinigalia where he murthered them all The newes hereof was related to the Pope as a thing perfidious but happy who upon hearing of it said It was they that had broke their Covenant first in coming altogether A Court Maxim IT is fathered on the Emperour Trajan who used in speaking of the jealousy of Princes that seek to make away those that aspire to the succcession that there was never King that did put to death his successor this was very rife in the businesse of Mary Queen of Scots beheaded by Queen Elizabeth Sir Nicholas Bacon THis Knight was Sir William Cecils second in the service of the State being Father also to my Lord Verulam and Lord Chancellour in the raign of Queen Elizabeth upon bills exhibited in that Court to discover where Lands lay upon proofe that they had a certain quantity of Land but could not set it forth was wont to say and if you cannot finde your Land in the Country how will you have me find it in the Chancery Conbury Park THe Earle of Leicester Favorrite to Queen Elizabeth was making a large chace about Cornbury Parke intending to enclose it with posts and Rayles and one day was casting up his charge what it would come to a Gentleman standing by that was a free spoken man said to my Lord upon the sudden methinkes your Lordship goeth not the cheapest way to worke why Sir said my Lord Introth my Lord said he count you but upon the posts for the Country will find you Rayling Knights MY Lord of Essex when he commanded at the Seige of Rhoan an Army of English in ayd of Henry the 4. of France against the league made 24. Knights after a battel against the Duke de Main which at that time was a great number divers of those Gentlemen were of weake and small means which when Queen Elizabeth heard she said my Lord might have done well to have built his Almes house before he made his Knights French Massacre AFter the Massacre of the French Protestants in Paris on St. Bartholomews day an overture was made of a new agreement to that purpose the Deputies of the reformed Religion met there to treat of a Pacification after some debate they agreed on articles nothing remaining but the security for the performance of them to this the Queen mother returned by way of question whether they would not accept the Kings security no by St BARTHOLOMEW Madam answered the Deputies Treasure A Spanish Ambassadour coming to Venice was there Complemented by the State and as a particular Honour to himselfe and his Master had St. Markes Treasure reckoned then to be the greatest magazine of wealth in Europe shewed him At the opening of the same he pointed towards the great Chests and asked some of the senators whether those Iron-coffers had any bottome they answered yea this is nothing then saith he to my Masters wealth that hath a perpetuall spring in his Mines Retinue A Nobleman who kept a very large retinue was acquainted by his Steward that great part of that expence was very burdensome and uselesse for that his Lordship needed not so many servants wherupon he ordered his Steward to bring him a list and Catalogue of all his servants and to mark their names which the frugall steward did putting out by his note above halfe his retainers When this scroll was presented the Nobleman asked what he marked so many out for because Sir saith he they are of no use to you why then saith the Lord if the other must stay because I have need of them these shall stay because they have need of me Henry the fourth HEnry the fourth of France after he had marryed Mary de Medicis was for a little while childlesse upon newes of the Queens conception the Count of Soissons who was heir apparent to the Crown gave out that it was with a pillow these words came to the Kings ear who the Queen growing very big tooke the said Count to her lodgings and laid his hand upon her Apron what think you now Cosen quoth the King of this pillow marry said the Count I think it to be a Pillow for all France to rest its head upon Proud Prelate A Proud Prelate of England in imitation of his great example the Pope would admit no suitors in any other posture but prostration a man reputed for his wisedome petitioning of him was forced to comply with the custome being taxed by some for this servile