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england_n duke_n earl_n lord_n 24,417 5 4.9161 4 true
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A02159 A quip for an vpstart courtier: or, A quaint dispute betvveen veluet breeches and clothbreeches Wherein is plainely set downe the disorders in all estates and trades. Greene, Robert, 1558?-1592. 1592 (1592) STC 12300; ESTC S105869 42,418 58

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and so to snap with them as if he meant to giue a warning to all the lice in his nittie lockes for to prepare themselues for the day of their destruction was at hande then comes he out with his fustian eloquence and making a low conge sayth Sir will you haue your wor haire cutte after the Italian maner short and round and then frounst with the curling yrons to make it looke lyke a halfemoone in a mist or like a Spanyarde long at the eares and curled like to the two ends of an old cast periwig or will you bée Frenchefied with a loue locke downe to your shoulders wherein you may weare your mistresse fauour the English cut is base and gentlemen skorne it noueltye is daintie speake the word sir my sissars are readie to execute your worships will His head being once drest which requiers in combing and rubbing some two howers he coms to the bason then being curiously washte with no woorse than a camphier ball he discends as low as his bearde and asketh whether he please to be shauen or no whether hee wil haue his peak cut short sharpe amiable like an Inamerato or broad pendant like a spade to be terrible lyke a warrior and a Soldado whether hee will haue his crates cut low like a Iuniperbush or his suberches taken awaye with a Rasor if it be his pleasure to haue his appendices primde or his mustachios fostered to turne about his eares like the branches of a vine or cut downe to the lippe with the Italian lash to make him looke like a halfe faced baubie in brasse These quaint tearmes Barber you greet maister veluet bréeches withal and at euery word a snap with you sissors and a cring with your knée wheras when you come to poore Clothbreeches you either cutte his bearde at your own pleasure or else in disdaine aske him if he wil be trimd with Christs cut round like the halfe of a hollande cheese mocking both Christ and vs for this your knauerie my will is you shal be none of the iurie For you maister surgion the statutes of England exempts you from being of any quest and beside alas I sildome fall into your hands as being quiet and making no brawles to haue wounds as swartrutting veluetbréeches dooth neither doe I frequent whorehouses to catch the mar-tooles and so to grow your patient I know you not and therfore I appeale to the statute you shal haue nothing to doe with my matter And for you M. Apoticarie alas I looke not once in seuen yeare into your stoppe without it be to buy a peniworth of worm-séed to giue my child to drinke or a little triacle to driue out the measels or perhaps some dregs and powders to make my sicke horsse a drench withall but for my selfe if I be ill at ease I take Kitchin physicke I make my wyfe my Doctor and my garden my Apoticaries shop whereas queasie maister veluet bréeches cannot haue a fart awrye but he must haue his purgations pils and glisters or euacuate by electuaries hée must if the least spot of morpue come on his face haue his oyle of Tartar his Lac virginis his camphire dissolued in veriuice to make the foole as faire forsooth as if hee were to playe Maidmarian in a May-game or Moris-daunce tush hee cannot disgest his meate without conserues nor end his meale without suckats nor shall I speake plainely please the trug his mistres without he goe to the Apothecaries for Eringion Oleum formicarum atalarum aqua mirabilis of ten pound a pint if mast Veluet bréeches with drinking these drugs hap to haue a stinking breath then forsooth the Apoticarie must play the parfumer to make it sweet nay what is it aboute him that he blameth not nature for framing and formeth it anew by art and in all this who but mounsier the Apothicarie therefore good sir quoth he séeing you haue taken vpon you to be trior for the challenges let those three as partiall companions be packing Why qd I séeing you haue yeelded suche reason of refusall let them stand by presently looking about for more comes stalking downe an aged graue sir in a blacke veluet coat and a blacke cloath gowne welted and faced and after him as I suppose foure seruingmen the most ill fauoured knaues me thought that euer I sawe one of them had on a buffe leather ierkin all greasie before with the droppings of beare that fell from his beard and by his side a skeine like a Bruers boung knyfe and muffled hee was in a cloake turnde ouer his nose as though he had bene ashamde to shew his face The seconde had a belly like a buckingtub and a thredbare blacke coate vnbuttond before vpon the brest whereon the map of drunkennesse was drawne with the bawdie and bowsie excrements that dropt from his filthie leaking mouth The third was a long leane old slauering slangrel with a brasil staffe in the one hand and a whipcord in the other so pour blinde that he had like to haue stumbled vpon the company before he saw them The fourth was a fat chuffe with a sower looke in a blacke cloke faced with taffata and by his side a great side pouch like a faulkner for their faces all four séemed to be bretheren they were so būbasted with the flockes of strong bée●e and lined with the lees of old sack that they lookte like foure blowne bladders paynted ouer with redde oake● or washt ouer with the suds of an old stale die All these as well the maister as the following mates woulde haue past away but that I stept before them and inquired first of the formost what he was Mary qd he a Lawyer then sir qd I we haue a matter in controuersie that requireth counsaile and you are the more welcome What is it qd he Mary sayd I whether Clothbréeches or veluetbreeches are of more worth and which of them hath the best title to be resident in England At this the lawyer smild and veluetbréeches stepping forth toke acquaintance of him and commending his honestie sayd there could not bee a man of better indifferency of the iury when clothbréeches stepping in swore he maruelled he was not as well as the Surgion exempted by act of parliament from being of any quest sith as the surgion was without pittie so he was without conscience and thervpon inferd his challenge saieng the Lawyer was neuer friend to clothbréeches for when lowlinesse neighbourhood and hospitality liued in England Westminster hall was a dining chamber not a den of controuersies when the king himselfe was content to keepe his S. Georges day in a plain pair of Kersie hose when the duke earle lord knight gentleman and esquire aimed at vertue not at pride and wore such breches as was spun in his house then the lawier was a simple man and in the highest degrée was but a bare scriuener except Iudges of the land which tooke in hand serious matters