A CHARACTER OF FRANCE To which is added Gallus Castratus OR AN ANSWER TO A LATE Slanderous Pamphlet CALLED The Character of England Si talia nefanda facinora quis non Democritus LONDON Printed for Nath Brooke at the Angel in Cornhill 1659. TO THE Impartial Reader ASinus ad Lyram Room room for a Monsieur newly come out of France to cast the Urine of the English Nation He begins with My Lord you command me to give you a minute account as I understood your meaning I have discoursed as little of truth as I could and endeavoured to render my self as ridiculous as my fanatick Genius could permit me Pardon me Honoured Countrymen if the Libel of this uncivil Stranger hath enforced these extravagant expressions from my Pen certain I am that his exorbitant Satyr besides its several gross mistakes hath Herod-like destroyed the Innocent spared no Sex his inveterate malice having extended it self to the profaneness of playing with holy things he afterwards Demagoras-like goes about to poison and disfigure the reputes of our English Ladies with such black unworthy aspersions such falfe traducings I might write Lies to the height of such abuse as to raise a passion in the most calm and most undisturbed mind that carries either candor or bravery with it insomuch but that it is below the Spirit of a Gentleman to engage his Honour against such unworthiness he is fitter to be answered with the point of a Rapier then to have such a signal curtesie done him for any person so to descend as to vouchsafe any other way of answer through the urgency of some of my dear friends I have undertaken this task with that truth and ingenious civility that a stranger should meet with first retorting the Monsieur a short Character of his Country and afterwards in answer to him vindicated our own the latter I have dedicated to our injured Ladies Courteous Reader I present these my unworthy endeavours to thy impartial censure Farewell Reader BE pleased to take notice that there is now in the Press almost finished a Book Intituled Englands Worthies select lives of the most eminent Persons of the three Nations from Constantine the Great to the death of the late Protector Oliver Cromwell A CHARACTER OF FRANCE BEing to describe this Large Continent I shall offer no Essay either upon the mode of Christianity there leaving that to the Dictates of that Divinity implanted in the soule and although not unworthily thought it is much delapsed yet De sacris nil nisi bonum nor will I play with the Crowns and Representatives of God nor their Will or Governments although there might be found Gall enough for that subject but I think it fit to begin with the common but freest of the Elements the Aire The Aire in generall is not so pure but it may admit of priority and that I may justly give to England for the French enjoy it either scalding hot or miserably cold so that it cannot be denyed by any observant Traveller but in a yeare a miracle in Nature is produced the reduction of the opposite Zones to Friendship in one Climate our Snow that only mellowes the clod here there devoures it and with us that Sun that would but warm and cherish here there wasts and withers Their soile like their faces cannot much boast of its charms every where for as Bodin saith Exploratum est deserta inculta loca si aquis viis adjungimus duos Galliae trientes auferre That is the Desarts Waters and Wayes put together take away the two thirds of France which the tract between Burdeaux and Baijon and the sterile pittifull places called The Land of Gascoigne do to the neighbours as their uncomfortable lot well ascertain As for a Conclusion the breathing of the Earth the induct of the Aire may be the purest cleanest and subtilest if scabs itch punaries and such like efflorescencies may be termed pure The Country it self bearing a more then ordinary affinity and friendship to the Stocks and the Gallowes Wine and Hemp being two of their best commodities The Creatures or Inhabitants that daily draw their Vigor from these much like the Earth or soile they Live on either too neer to their Sun of Government or Frozen to death by its Absence the great ones frying in Luxury the poor ones starving in penury so that that which God onely inflicted as a Curse to Adams seed here it is made a plague to that Curse The poor peasant shaving not that Comfort to eat that which was purchased by their sweat and labour but at the time of its product then are Marpyes and Vultures ready to snatch it from the Jawes of the almost starved Labourer and that perhaps to satiate the crazed Lust of some Libidinous Goat so that which is counted a Miracle on Gods part is here very Common to unbridle the rationall Soules and turne them poor Asses into these shapes So that hope the turn-key of the Soul the spur of high Actions is here so Languid that if a peasant can but by ambition gain the purchase of clean Canvase breeches for holydaies and his wife a Buckram Petticoate for Wakes and Sundays these are like to wait upon them like their good Genius to the houre of their dissolution And if well kept may be entailed to two or three generations As for their Liberties their feet enjoy they cannot boast much of being called free since if not by nature they are brought to hooves yet they by their monstrous cloggs are neere resembled to them if we survey the somewhat taller sort of them we shall find them generally to be a speaking fashion such as have parted with their judgements for the situation of their clothes that have taken a great deal of paines to be ridiculous there being such a confederacy betwixt them and their modes to make them appeare puppyes they share more of the semstresse then of the Taylor Theire outsides half Linnen so that there can scarcely a distinction be made betwixt their uprising and walking abroad it being naturall to them to Live more by their own heat then by the warmth of their clothes which is the reason that there are so many foot-boys as numerous as their beggars which are so many and so impudent that in rideing they shall swarme about your horses like flies and be more troublesome But to proceed and prosecute their Court gallantry I confess they are more absolute furnished with the Mode of Command and appeare to be Stars or rather Meteors of the Court yet with their Leaves try to cut them up and give a due estimate of them A french Gentleman of this equipage is one that weighs no Action but by his own standard Admires nothing that is not admired by others in himself He is wonderfully pleased when others vouchsafe him a Laugh or smile though to abuse him yet is his Conceit so high that he proposeth in all Incounters a disdaine suitable to his
Bragadochia's is Paris filled and cloyed this may be truly said of them that their basest trades have sooner arrived to great riches then those that are amongst them noted of ancient Nobility and live according to the dignity of their births and for their way of dealing as to the subtilty of their Trade they are seldome deceived for they trust no body and if any body trust them they had as good burn the bill of their particulars if they are not under lock and key or can but find out any evasion to shift themselves they may brag of their merchandises with other Nations but the most staple Commodities they have received hath been from England for which for the most part they have exchanged no other then fantastical fashions toyes and kickshaws to put off which till they can make good their importunities they will wrack those they traffick with to their own conditions with their forced faces shrugs and cringes in their Inns and Hosteries they for the most part give their servants no wages but beg themselves so fervently for them that the discerning Traveller cannot but scruple whether they or their servants are most fellow-feelers of the extent of his liberality for which only reason he must endure the impertinencie of their unnecessary attendance for their general entertainments they are trunk-hosed bombasted with the mode and nothing else they distinguish them according to their usuall custom as they allow of their grapes in their Vineyards a Passenger may tast to quench his thirst but he that tarries above their stinted humor mistakes himself their cushions he will find them to be quick-set hedges of no continuance there is no Nation that takes more freedom for gibeing and provoking of strangers for they are generally rash and want nothing of the wildness of behaviour when their passions are thus desperately set on their angers have no eyes to complement them at that time is to set a train to gunpowder they will so clatter with their discourse except they are in their more aiery genius of continual singing of bawdy and drunken songs when it will be a wisemans task to distinguish betwixt their extravagant meeter and galloping prose as for their Policy Government King Nobles their Treaties with us Inter-marriages their Massacres sale of Promotions and Judicatories and other things of this nature other men with a larger pen having exprest them excellently well I shall manum a Tabulâ and for this I have done I expect no reward nor fear any envy only Sat est tentasse Yet to sweeten my Genius fit for my dear native Country I shall conclude all with this undoubted Eulogy or Character of England which a Greek Poet hath drawn to the life 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 And what Eumines saith O Fortunata omnibus Beatior terris Britannia quae Constantinum Caesarem primum vidisti Merito te omnibus coeli soli dotibus natura donavit in qua segetum tanta faecunditas muneribus utriusque Cereris Liberi in qua nemora sine immanibus bestiis terra sine serpentibus noxiis contrà pecorum mitium innumerabilis multitudo O most fortunate Brittain more blessed then any other Country which first didst see Constantine Nature hath lavishly endowed thee with all decorements of Heaven and Earth in thee neither the excessive cold of winter or scorching heat of Summer doth molest the Inhabitants thou swellest with such a plenty of all kind of Corn that thou mayest be called the Darling of Ceres and Bacchus thy Groves are without salvage rapacious Creatures and thy Grasse without poysonous Serpents thy fields are covered with innumerable heads of Cattell tame and wild their dugs extended with milk and their backs with fleece both rich and thick for the pleasure of life thy dayes are long and no night but hath some glimpse of light the glorious Sun that sets and goes down in other Countries seems only to passe by thy Coasts Nature as her Darling hath imbraced thee with a rich and large Moat intending still as she made to lay up her principals and originals in this her Cabinet Their Faces they have like Angels Wits like Muses Charmes like Graces cast in a mould between the earthly Spaniard and trifling French A martial noble and hospitable people I must end with this Distick Quicquid amat luxus quicquid desiderat usus Ex te proveniat vel aliunde tibi I have not bestowed so much gall on this Character as I know a modest Reply is more desired in which as my fancie hath its traverses there are severall reflections from my Answer which more inlarge this Character if I have not had salt enough in it t is out of a civility that this impertinent Mounsieur never merited FINIS Gallus Castratus AN ANSVVER TO A Slanderous Pamphlet Called the CHARACTER OF ENGLAND Si talia nefanda facinora quis non Democritus LONDON Printed for Nath. Brookes at the Angel in Cornhill 1659. TO THE ILLUSTRIOUS STARRES OF GLORY THE INCOMPARABLE BEAUTIES OF THE ENGLISH NATION THESE WITH A DEEP HUMILITY Gallus Castratus c. Ladies TO make a Hue and Cry or research after this Satyrist were to enquire after yesterdayes Air or the last evenings Sun since the perpetrating a sin against Charity and divine Beauty hath occasioned him to conceal his unworthy name yet by your permission fair Ladies I shall adventure a throw after him so as to bestow on him a Character not unworthy of his fact He may be thought one of the dislodged brood of wandering Cain who having sinn'd in good sets his hand against all for bad such as these are true sons of the Curse they bring brambles for violets and thorns for Roses desperate persons to converse with as infectious in their souls as in their limbs a Traveller that makes it his business to deface the glories of Nature not to admire and adore them a frothy Wit not consenting to its captivity hath in his Caprichios snorted his foam upon the sweet face of this blessed Island the method he pretends too for he hath none was sure begot in a Hirricano where being frighted by his conscience he thrusts things together Al 'a Negligen'ce A brat only born to die accursed and to shew to the world that France hath of late her Monsters as well as Africa His end I cannot remark except like Erostratus to purchase a fame though by the vilest infamy or to engage a smile from those Bandittors to Nature the rude off-spring of a Brothel or a dunghil a Monster fitting to rove after its Sire rather then find a Mecaenas in any serious Family so unfit to bear the name of a Character that it may well be stiled the Leprosie of France cast upon England But by this time Ladies I suppose you have enough of this unmaskt Gentleman now to the work it self And first he apologizeth for his rudeness by the commands of a Person once a Devoto
to the Charmes of England a Person of quality a Lord but if his Qualities answered his Dignity surely his Lordship hath repented him of his commands He declares he had licence only for Minute things His Honour thought great ones too much beyond the sphear of his Activity and Cognizance but to particularize his aspersions which I shall civilly name his complaints Comp. 1. His first is Of the stiffe whispering and forbidden countenances at Dover Surely his last collation of the Grape at Calais or the high trott of Neptune had contributed much to this mistake since as Comines his own Country-man saith I used to go to Calais when in the hands of the English without a Passe for saith he they are very courteous and honourable in their entertainments to strangers And further in their tryals with Forrainers they allow them a Jury de Medietate Lingua Surely then they had not lost their native Gallantry at this Monsieurs landing But for a certain the Monsieur brought a face from Madagascar or a habit from America not fit to be seen without a motion or amazement as the Spaniards are usually respected in their Country But I see this poor Gentleman is mighty tender for he seems to take pet at every tree that grows not straight and excepts at any person that comes but neer him much more that doth but touch him The very Boyes give him an Adventure much of Don Quixots which makes him view all things through inchantment and I wonder I hear no news of his Eccho a Sancho Pancho to flatter his folly into a Romance Comp. 2. To see his confident Host sit down cheek by joule by him belching and puffing Tobacco and that our Gentlemen do usually entertain them and are pleased with their impertinencies This Mounsieur was I dare say not banished France for his great head-piece else he might have considered himself now in a free State where no person is shackled by Prerogative but may be company by way of Divertisement to the greatest piece of Honour in Europe and if you can fit your Lacquey upon what last your humor shall frame why may not sometimes an impertinency please your fancy as well as the Character of England doth some of your Ladies For you must know our People are not an Asse-like galled Nation who are bound by their chains to come no neerer then an interview of Princes But I confess my Host was somewhat too bold to approach so nigh lest he might have had imployment for his fingers and nails all the year after But I hope Monsieur you have paid your reckoning and are now coming to London as you say the Metropolis of all civility Comp. 3. You write That you had some Honour thrown upon you as dirt squibs roots nay Rams horns entring London Seriously Sir I wonder at the last Lot how come they to hit upon this honour for you I must tell you that it was a sad and lowring Constellation or Ludibrium of Fortune cast upon your person that in that great place of civility such ominous Caresses should be offered you since your deserts had been better paid you in your own Country and with your own coyn As for the Car-men as you say overthrew the Hell-carts I wonder Sir how your company escaped since there was a story that the Devil rid through our streets with some Blades having none of the best faces Comp. 4. That our City is a wooden Northern and inartificial congestion of houses This Monsieur I perceive is no curious Architect for finding fault with our wooden Buildings which consider London as a Merchantile City strong and beautiful her manner of building agreeable to the jettyes bay-windows and returns in her streets every part so ingaged one with another that though under several modes yet like loving Citizens they hold hand in hand faster then brick or stone can do and by their diversity of frontings do declare a freedome of our Subjects that what they acquire by industry may be bestowed at pleasure not obliged to build so for the will of the Princes Whereas the Citizens of Paris are so forced to uniformity that their Structures seem to be only one continued magnificent wall loop-hol'd whereas variety is more pleasant if it be not so fantastick as to incommodate passage height or sight as it is an undoubted Maxim in the Opticks that it lengthens your entertainment to a rapture whereas in the French walk the eye in an instant is glutted with an identity so that having seen one City or street the eye is not urged to take her revels in another all being so like to a primitive pattern of one livery it choaks delight as for magnificent Buildings or Regalio's Mounsieur forgets the Abby of Westminster the Royal Exchange two such works of Architecture that for their kind and use meet not with any parallel in France though I confess the absolute tyranny of your Kings by the blood and sweat of the inslaved Peasantry have erected Pallaces as it seemeth to me works of impertinency and leisure but if you view further their Precordia you will find the work like Sattin pinckt upon Canvas being so furnished that you would think them the Edifices of some former Inhabitants frighted from them and possessed by Nomades or Scythians that never knew the use of such civil Utensils besides our Kings have had larger Theaters of Majesty then these for whereas the French King is sedentary in Paris our Kings have been like the Sun not confined to a place but inriching all places with their Justice and Glory and so our Pallaces are Beauties scattered and equally distributed to all places of the Nation No King for the extent of Earth having more Residencies of Majesty then our English Potentates have had so that if this City of London be considered as a Mercantile City and place of trading and the Kings Court but as an issue of his favour to these Merchants You will find he hath Grandeurs both Noble and sufficient What a charme of Majesty is there of the Houses of the Nobility fronting that Christal and sweet Nymph the Thames Besides the City illustrated with the like in many places together with the stately Structures belonging to Citizens that I am confident cannot be paralleld by the whole trade of France or Europe But I am bound to follow you Monsieur up and down from the Tavern to Church then to the Shambles and indeed it seemes you visited things like our Rusticks with a streightned heart and a wide mouth for now you bark most monstrously against our Religion and Professors of it but seriously had you minded any thing of Charity you would not have given a character of us in our distempers taking the present advantage of our being sick of Schisme and Division But I find you one of those Lucian scoffers that rather then not exercise your froth the Gods shall not scape your Animosity I cannot like that spirit in a Frenchman