Embassador a verie tall person upon no other errand but a complement to the King of England at his audience he appeard in such a light garb that afterwards the king ask'd lord keeper Bacon what he thought of the French Embassador he answer'd that he was a verie proper man I his Majestie replied but what think you of his head-piece is he a proper man for the office of an Embassador Sir return'd he it appears too often that tall men are like high houses of four or five stories wherein commonlie the uppermost room is worst furnished A famous Chymist with his associats had long attended upon his art but could find no hope of profit upon which they had recourss to the devil and enquired of him if they rightly proceeded and whether they should attain their desired end the devil returns his answer in this one word travaillez which is labour this word so encouraged them that they went on and blowed the bellows at that rate that they transmuted all they had in to nothing so at last thc chief chymist told them that the word labour signified that they should lay aside Alchymie and betake themselvs to som honest art of employment and that it appear'd the part of men purely maz'd and mad to fancy the making of gold in such a small space of time since nature it self is wont to spend more than a thousand years about it In time of war a certain Prince being very vigilant would on horss-back himself go the rounds one night upon a suddain a souldier met him who being fudl'd immediatly laid hold on the bridle of his horse and ask'd the price of him for at present he said he wanted an horse the Prince percieving in what condition he was in caus'd him to be taken into an house and put to bed in the morning the Prince sent for him and ask'd him what he would give for his horse Sir said the recover'd souldier the merchant that would have bought him yester night went away betimes this morning A young Gentleman lay sick of a feavor his physician came to visit him and met at his lodging a beautifull lady suspected by bim going away as he entred he sate down by him and feeling his puls Sir said the Patient my feavor has newly left me I find it so Sir said he and I suppose I met it going out at the door just as I came in One ask'd a noble Sea-captain why haveing means sufficient to live upon the land he would yet endanger his person upon the ocean he told him that he had a natural inclination to it and therefore nothing could divert him I pray said the other where did your father die at sea said the captain and where your grand-father at sea too said he why then said the other are not you afraid to go to sea before I answer you said the Captain I pray tell me where died your father my father said he died in his bed and where your grand-father in his bed too said he and are not you then said the Captain afraid to go to bed A Souldier in Ireland having got his pass-port to go for England as he went through a wood with a knap-sack on his back being weary he sate down and fell to some victuals upon a suddain he was surprised with two or three wolves who coming towards him he threw them scraps of bread and cheess so long till all was don then the wolves coming nearer to him he knew not what shift to make he took a pair of bag-pipes which he had with him and so soon as he began to play away ran the wolves as if they had bin scared out of their wits a pox take you all said he if I had known that you had loved musick so well you should have had it before dinner I have read of a Physician of Millan who cured mad men and to that end had a pit of water in his house in which he kept his Patients some up to the knees some to the girdle some to the chin pro moda insaniae as they were more or less affected one of them that was well recovered stood by chance at the door and seeing a Galant riding with an hawk on his fist well mounted with his spaniels after him would needs know to what use all this preparation served he made answer to kill certain fowl the patient demanded again what his fowl might be worth which he kill'd in a year he replied five or ten crowns with that the patient with great earnestness bid him begon immediatly as he loved his life for said he if our master take thee here he will set thee in the pit up to the very chin I can see your pride through your thred-bare torn coat said Antisthenes to Socrates A Person speaking of the nice distinctions of the schools and the wonderfull subtleties of some in searching into the most mysterious truths said that all their curious inquiries prov'd at last like the contentions of Protegenes and Apelles who should draw the smallest line who after two or three essais left this monument of their art that they had drawn lines so curious that they were scarcely to be discern'd A Servitour carrying up a dish of tongues into a colledg hall just as he came to the table his foot slipt down fell dish tongues and mustard one much more concern'd than the others at the table call'd him blunder-buss and ask'd him whether he wanted eyes Sir I beg your pardon said the servitour any one might have had the like mischance you may be sure I did it not willingly lapsus linguae non est error mentis A very clownish Fellow being met in a very gaudy suit one said of him that he look'd like a wooden spoon in a sack posset A Lady who had never been at sea said surely sailers must be a very devout sort of people being allways so near danger yes said one that was more used to their society their devotions rise and fall with the waves That was an un-luckie Seaman that in a storm endevour'd to secure nothiug but the brandie-bottle and the first thing he offer'd to throw over board was his wife alledging he knew no heavier burden than she nor any thing that made him so light as the bottle he secured There was a discourss at a colledge table concerning the Marriage of Priests a Doctour who had a face sufficiently red was pleas'd to maintain only for discourss-sake that Priests-marriage was not so allowable as some might think it at last it came to this that he who argued on the contrary said that those words of St. Paul were sufficiently plain and therefore impossible rationally to be contradicted namely that 't is better to marrie than to burn but how shall a man know when one burns said the Doctor I 'll tell you said one who had been silent all the while by his face A young Gentleman the next day after marriage of a Lady sufficiently
fail For if it does says he you are in a most miserable condition for there is no place to ffx a pair of spectacles on 163. An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Countreyman by way of jeer to bring him some live rats and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them and a fortnight after he brought them and then the Apothecary told him that he was provided the day before the country fellow seeing he was abused was resolved to be quit with him saying I am unwilling seeing I have brought them to carry them back again and told him he would take three pence out in physick at some time or other and so opened his bag and let them about the shop which did so whâ—sk up and down the Shelvs that in a little space he broke him about 40 pots and glasses and could never be rid of them since Probatum est 164. A French man was scoffing at the English mens humors because they did so admire their nation Faith friends says the English man you are mistaken for we in England so esteem you as you in France do our hounds for pleasure 165. A Fanatick did lately extreamly exclaim against the Surplice in the church but a little after he was catch'd a-bed with one of his holy Sisters and in the same place where he would not have a Surplice worn he poor heart was forc'd there to wear a Sheet 166. Count Gundamore being Embassador for the King of Spain in England and being jesting with King James and speaking in latine did many times speak false latine What says the King how comes it that you break Priscians head so often being Embassador to so great a King as you say your Master is O Sir says he your Majestie must know that I speak Latine like a King but your Majestie speaks Latine like an Embassador 167. The State of Genoa sent an Embassador to the Duke of Millan who was then the Protector to Genoa who could not by all the means he could make get audience who finding he was delayed and abused upon St. John Baptists day who was the Protector of Millan he presented the Duke with a golden vessel full of Basilisque being ask'd the reason he said The Genevois have the propertie of the herb Basilisque which if handled gentlie would yield a sweet smell but if rubb'd too hard or trod upon it will engender Serpents Which witty passage made the Duke give him audience and did his business what he came for 168. A Woman that had a good handsom young daughter sent her to her Land-lord at New-years-tide with a New-years-gift and he being a lusty Batchellor and lov'd a pretty Lady besides seeing the Maid to be handsome with some importunity and some gratuity got her consent that she prov'd with-child for whose maintenance and Mothers too he paid for and then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich that lived hard by him he became a Suiter to her in marriage to which she easily condescended and on that day that they were to be married the other that he had got with-child before came to the church also to see the wedding with her child in her arms and all the while they were in the church that woman would dandle her child up and down in her arms and somtimes look upon her Landlord and somtimes on her child with a smileing countenance which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing told him plainly that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that woman and her child he put her off still with excuses but at last he told her he would tell her the truth if she would not take it ill No says she I will not let it be what it will Why then says he I got her with-child and that is the child in her arms Puh says she is that all I had one a twelve month ago by a Londoner that lodg'd at our house Say you so says he then I faith I 'll marrie a Whore of my makeing rather than of another mans and so call'd the Woman to him that had the child in her arms and married her presently 169. A rich Knight in the countrey that was coveteous withal had a daughter whose name was Grace that was very handsome and indeed of good humor witty and well-bred which a young man had a kindness for but haveing no fortune durst not presume further than joking and haveing heard the Knight say that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 pounds he in a frollick comes to him and knowing him to be very coveteous told him that he knew how to save him 500 pounds in a business and this young man was a lawyers Clerk and therefore he thought he might discover something about the law wherein he might stand him in some stead and so bid him very welcome and invited him to dinner and after dinner bid his wife give him some sweet-meats and the wet went into his mouth but the dry made a sally into his pocket and after haveing fill'd both belly pockets and mind with good meat sweat-meats and good welcome the Knight told his wife what a good friend he was to him and how he knew that he could save him 500 pounds in a business which made his wife the more earnest to know it and being all three sate down in the couch together and Mrs. Grace in another chair by the Knight ask'd him wherein he could do him that courtesie as he spoke of Why thus I can do it Sir says he I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your daughter Grace 2000 pounds and I am willing to take her with 1500 pounds The Knight hearing what he said began to curse and swear then the Gentleman thankt him for his sweet-meats no says he thank my wife for them but after that for the conceits sake Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him for fear of which they instantly clapt up a match for her but 't is confidently said that the lawyers clerk who indeed was a gentleman made her frequent visits and with allowance of the female but whether of the new married male I know not 170. A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady that was a person of quality did much long for Oysters she then sent a footman of hers that was an Irish man to the said Lady with a barrel of oysters and as he was going he met an arch wag by the way who ask'd him whither he was going then he told him O Donnel says he you must gut them before you go or els they will poyson the Ladie I predde says he show me how to do it so the fellow took them and opened them and took out all the oysters and put them into a wooden dish that was by and then put all the shells again into the barrel Now says he you may carry them for they are all gutted E faith said Donnel for this
from flesh it is verie true said she and now I think on it your flesh appears to me verie dry and stroaking his face with her sh ... hand wants a little greasing and stands in need I think of basting too 335. Two seeing an handsome young wench pass by them whom they knew manie grains too light but verie poor one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare it is no wonder said the other for she is common 336. There was a Gentlewoman named Cunnie who was of a free jollie yet innocent disposition a Gentlewoman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay whose name was Parsley being ask'd one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney verie well said he but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stuft with Parsley 337. One asked another why men were not content to tell lies but they must publish them in print the reason is apparent said the other because when men lie they most desire to lie in sheets 338. Three young concieted wits sitting in a Tavern verie merrie it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long gray beard looked into the room whom as soon as they had espied to show their wit saluted him with the name of Father Abraham the other with Isaac and the third with Jacob I am said the Gentleman neither Father Abraham Isaac nor Jacob but Saul the Son of Kish who went to seek his Fathers Asses and here I find them and here I leave them 339. A young Maid coming fresh out of the countrey was courted by a person of Qualitie whom she understood was poxt he daylie wooed her and promised her marriage she refused and being ask'd the reason why she that was meanlie born would not marrie one that would not onlie enrich her but enoble her blood I will not said she corrupt my flesh to better my bloud for anie Prince in Christendom 340. A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the heads of the Universitie who formerlie had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text What cannot ye watch one hour At everie division he concluded with his text which by reason of the Vice-Chancellours sitting so near the pulpit often awaked him this was so noted by the wits that it was the talk of the whole University and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Canterburie who willing to redess him sent for this Schollar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge where coming he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit that the Arch-Bishop enjoyned him to paeach before King James after some excuses he at length condescended and coming into the pulpit begins James the first and the sixth Waver not meaning the first King of England and the sixth of Scotland at first the King was somwhat amazed at the Text but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of the Chaplains in ordinary after this advancement the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the Vice-Chancellour and to take leave of the University which he accordingly did and took the latter part of the verse of his former Text Sleep on now and take your rest concludeing his Sermon he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancellour Saying whereas I said before which gave offence What cannot you watch one hour I say now sleep on and take your rest and so left the University 341. A learned and charitable Doctor having made for the benefit of the countrey wherein he dwelt a large Causey whilst he was overseeing his work a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way who seeing the Doctor saluted him kindly thinking to jeer him into the bargain Dr. quoth he for all your pains and expences I suppose this is not the highway to heaven I think replied the Doctor you have hit the nail on the head for if it had I should have wondred to have met your Lordship here 342. A Gentlewoman to be in the fashion must needs like her neighbours have a friend or Gallant besides her husband haveing singled out one day one whom she thought fit for her purpose privatly she told him how dearly she loved him above all men her husband chancing to over-hear her said Sir believe her not for she hath told me the same manie times this seven years and God knows how manie more besides 343. Mr. Dunscom and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the countrey fell out about five foot of ground and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversie to 't they went and sued one another so long that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in formâ pauperis at length the case coming to a definitive hearing and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious to the utter ruin of each other said thus Gentlemen there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights the fault is not in the Law but in you and such like who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction of their own and anothers family But to the business in hand here is five foot of land in controversie between you and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety wherefore my sentence shall be that the five foot of land be equally divided and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too take comb and put it to cox then your name will be Dunce and his Coxcomb and so gave order for their names to be registred on Record 344. A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels was interrupted by a Lady who said she had travelled farther than him if so Madam says he as Travellers we may lie together by authority 345. A Gentlewoman sitting carelesly by a fire side sate stradling her husband in a pleasant humour told her that her cabinet stood open say you so said she why don't you lock it then for I am sure that none keeps the Key but you self 346. A Countrie Gentleman rideing down Cornhill his horse stumbled and threw him into a shop the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman not forbearing smileing seeing there was no hurt don ask'd him whether his horse used so to serve him yes said he when he comes just against a Cuckolds door Then in troth said she you are like to have a fortie falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side 347. A man and his dog named Cuckold going together in the evening returning home the dog ran in a doors first O mother says the boy Cuckold's come Nay then says the Mother your Father is not far off I am sure 348. What a sad condition am I in said a fellow
is harder to be determin'd so great wits being found at this day of all sorts of professions that 't is difficult to judg of which there are most Some prefer Scholastick divines for their nice disputes looking upon it as admirable how mysterious their Philosophie is rendering it intricate by explications and difficult by the aperture and dissolution of distinctions Others the rational Physicians for their discourses and conjectures upon the causes of hidden diseases Others the Mathematicians for their curious searches into heaven it self or the Lawyers who manage their affairs so advantageously above others to their own intrest The third sayd that absolutely speaking there is no quarrer of the world more oriental or occidental than an other these words having been invented only in respect to men themselvs to some of whom one and the same people is oriental and yet occidental to others since the world is round and all the parts of a sphear are of the same nature What differences there are must be taken from somthing els than the four parts of the world more particularly from cold and heat thus they that live under the Poles are of a different complexion both of body and mind from those that are between the Tropicks and according to this difference the inhabitants of the temperate zones must be most ingenious Cold being too much an enemy to life to advance wit and excessive heat burns the humors no less both within and without as the wooly hair and black skin of the nations expos'd to it manifest So that 't is no presumption in nations of a temperate climate to award the preheminence to themselvs in this matter operations of the mind as well as the digestions and other operations of the body requireing a temperate not an excessive heat The fourth spake his sentiments thus Since there are good and bad ingenious and fools in all lands to be the one or the other depends not on the climate heaven from whence the soul descends being a like in all places nor is it likely that professions render men more or less ingenious since those to which people are lead by natural inclination are rather effects than causes of good or bad parts as for those to which we are perswaded or forc'd nothing can be inferr'd from them haveing no affinity with our nature lastly nor doth temper always contribute to render men ingenious since there are some so of all tempers ages and sexes The true cause is the proportion which happens to be between the soul and the body at the first conformation whence the surest signs natural of good or bad parts are taken from the figure of the body chiefly of the head which if sharp never makes a wise man as on the contrary large heads and broad fore-heads are good indications of ingenuity in whomsoever of what ever country vocation and temper they may be But yet sayd Democritus I cannot but hold the lawyers in their way to be the most ingenious of the world for that generally recieved truth which says that what ever hath a begining hath also an end is confuted by them since they render suits immortal and instead of the four causes taught by naturalists they create others without numbet and in spight of the maxim which says there is no Vacuum they make one at lencth in the purses of their cliens Two persons being together in the feild about to leap over a ditch hold says one look before you leap I was just a saying so says the other why then good wits jump says he and so away they leapt Demosthenes with all his oratory and reason could not keep the people from mutinying even while he was speaking at last he bethought himself to divert them with a strange story and 't was this There was a man that hired an ass to carry him a journey and the owner of the ass was to attend him on foot by it so fell out that before the journey was half finished the sun shined so excessively hot that it grew so intollerable to the rider that he was glad to quitt the asses back and betake him to her shadow upon this the owner of the ass withstood him telling him that he must ride on alledging that tho he had hired the body of the ass he had not hired the shadow that was not in the bargain but the owners still much bustle there was between them till at last the contention grew even as hot as the sun it self This diversion prevaled more than all his eloquence beside and appeas'd their anger when his whole oration could not A female Citizen sufficiently ignorant in country affairs being told that malt did not grow ask'd how it came answer was made that the good women in the country spin'd it upon my word sayd she I thought so for one may see the very threds hang out at the end of it There was so great a Sedition at Rome that the common people all left the city retireing from it with a resolution uot to return unless the Senat and the rich citizens would take off the taxes and impositions by which the meaner thought themselvs very much oppres'd Menenius Agrippa an eloquent man was sent to them who with the following Apologue or Fable prevaled more than by all other ways of perswasion whatsoever Upon a time there arose sayd he great strife and sedition amongst the other members of the bodie against the bellie the eyes ears hands feet and tongue all said they each of them performed their several offices to the bodie but the bellie alone doing nothing at all as a king enjoyed their labours and consumed upon it self all those things which were purchased with their sweat and industrie The Bellie could not but confess these things were true and if it pleased them for the time to come they should allow it nothing The Members decreed it among themselvs that nothing should be given to the bellie when this had been for a little time the hands and feet lost their strength and all the other members became dull sick and immoveable so that at last they percieved that the food allowed to the bellie was of as equal advantage to all the rest of the members as to it self and so returned to their former obedience And so did the people of Rome too being hereby sufficientlie sensible that what was reposed in their Magistrates hands did at last tend to the intrest of the common-weal The Gold-smiths of London had a custom once a year to weigh gold in the star-chamber in the presence of the privie council and the Kings Attorney general this solemn weighing by a word of art they call'd the Pixe and made use of so exact scales there in that the master of the companie affirmed that they would turn with the two hundereth part of a grain I should be loath said Attorney Noy that all my actions should be weighed in those scales The King of France being at Calais sent over an