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A09201 A merry discourse of Meum, and Tuum, or, Mine and Thine tvvo crosse brothers, that make strife and debate wheresoever they come; vvith their descent, parentage, and late progresse in divers parts of England. By H.P. Peacham, Henry, 1576?-1643? 1639 (1639) STC 19510; ESTC S114329 20,111 44

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they but the whole Country grew weary of them Old Harpax thought if they stayed at home continually with him they would eate him out of dores the Mother thought they might bring her in question for a Witch and so to a shamefull end the Parish intended at the next presse to have packed them away for Souldiers but a Gentleman of good ranke and one who had been abroad living in the Parish would not agree hereunto for quoth he they are by nature so contentious and quarelsome they will raise a mutinie and so overthrow the whole Army In briefe their Father resolved to be troubled no longer with them but to send them into the world to seeke their fortunes and rather forthwith while the Summer lasted the weather was faire the daies long and if extremity constrained them while there was meanes to get something in the field as by Hay-making sheepe-shearing shocking of Corne pitching the Cart and the like hereupon aswell for lightnesse in hot weather as saving his money he clad each of them in a parchment suite made of old Bonds and Leases out of date the large blacke lines served for lace and the waxen seales for buttons for hats they had two old Monmouth Caps their father brought out of Wales wherein they stuck a Fen-Cats-taile or two weapons they had none save each of them a broome staffe in his hand with some small summe of money in their pockets and thus accoustred out of dores they goe without either asking their Parents blessing or once bidding them farewell on their intended voiage bidding their sweete and native soile of Wrangle for how long they knew not a friendly adieu To make a Topographicall description of this Towne by way of digression it standeth seven miles beyond Villam Butolphi alias Boston at the hither end of the spacious and fruitfull Marsh well knowne for the plenty of the biggest and fattest sheepe of England it is adjoyning to that arme of the Sea called by Ptolomey Metaris Aestuarium it was sometime a Market Towne and in the time of Canutus the Dane it had a faire Haven which since the Sea hath forsaken and is now toward the Sea filled up with sand and upon Land become a deepe valley wherein grasse groweth and is common for their sheepe But to returne to Meum and Tuum away they went not gone many miles but they fell together by the eares about a shoeing-horne Tuum averring that it was given him by his Mother in stead of her blessing Meum protested it was his Fathers and hee had kept it ever since he was married they could not agree about it in briefe after many bitter and unbrotherly words they resolved one to leave the other so Meum went one way by Sea over to the Icenians and Tuum by land another but see how it happened after some three weeks absence one from the other it was Tuum's hap to come to the same Towne among the Icenians where Meum had placed himselfe with a Proctor of a Spirituall Court thereabout this Proctor dwelt in a Parsonage which hee farmed of an old Parson who was a Batchelor and had beene a Priest in Queene Maries time keeping onely a Curat to reade prayers The Proctor finding Meum to bee pregnant and witty taught him the grounds aswell of the Civill as common Law caused the Curate to reade the Grammar unto him that being grounded in the Latine he might be fitted as a Clerke or Notarie to write under him the Curat I must tell you was no great Scholler or ever graduate in any Vniversity but w th long teaching Schole in the Church he became perfect in his ruls preach he could not neither lay he in the parsonage house which was miserably fallen to ruine the Barnes Stables and Dove-coat being onely propped up and both unwalled and untiled but hee had a Flock-bed upon a pallet in the Steeple of the Church which was both his Chamber and his Study the Presse wherein hee laid those books he had were holes in the walls where Iack-Dawes had formerly bred neither did the Bells trouble his study or his sleep for they rang not to prayers from one end of the weeke to another except upon the Sunday and then not till ten a clock Meum being thus entertained and having gotten an handsome blacke suite which his Maister bestowed upon him hee became in no long tract of time very skilfull in his practise and marvellous cunning in the way of suing and citing men into the Court for the least misdemeanour as it shall by the sequell appeare Newes was brought to the Proctor his Maister how that a Farmer in the Parish had sold a Sow and eleven young Pigges on purpose to cheate him of his tyth Meum drawes a citation to call this man to answer it the next Court day at Icenium Tuum in the meane time was by strange fortune entertained by an Attorney dwelling in the same Parish but a mile and an halfe off from the Church who also tooke a great liking unto him and made him an under Clerke under another that hee might get experience learne to make Bonds and Leases and having likewise well cloathed him now ashamed of his parchment suite hee gave him Littleton's Tenures in English to reade with Doctor and Student and such like to initiate and bring him to knowledge to bee short Meum grew not so experienced and cunning one way but Tuum as crafty in another Now this Attorney being a subtile Foxe tooke the Parish part against the Proctor in any sute that fell betweene the Parson and the Parish concerning matter of Tith Tuum whither he had learned so much from his Maister or some other had instructed him comes to him that ought the Sow and Pigges and tells him hee had learn'd that the custome was in that country that if the Tith Pigge were not marked for the Parson within eight daies after the farrowing as it was not the owner might lawfully sell off the Pigges without paying Tyth at all this sute through the instigation of Meum on the one side and Tuum on the other began earnestly to be followed and defended but an honest and a quiet minded Gentleman who loved no strife among honest neighbours laboured to make all parties friends and it had beene then presently effected but for Meum and Tuum who did vehemently ever oppose each the other Now in the meane time the old Parson dying the sute ceased and all became friends Now to the late old Parsons living was presented a young man a Mr. of Arts of Cambridge who was as diligent in his place as his predecessor was remisse for he preached every Sabbath and Catechized in the afternoone reading prayers every Wednesday and Friday observing the Canons duely in every thing and which crowned his other good parts hee was a great lover of Peace and Vnity among his neighbours and could not endure any wrangling or brabling among his Parishioners so that hearing
laugh at or pity him away then goes Tuum to the water side and taking a Boate leaves Meum to follow at his leasure The same night both meeting with either at Westminster they related their hard fortune professing never to come any more among Dogges and Beares but the Terme being at hand to keepe company with Lawyers and their Clients onely The Terme being come they now thought it best to acquaint themselves with some understanding Attorneys and Clerks of the Innes of Chancery who might aswell set them in a way to practise as to get them acquaintance and first they enquired for Lions Inne a Country Careier directed them to the Tower where the Lions were which when they had found they grew acquainted with many Students who were Cornish and Devonshire Gentlemen who when Meum and Tuum had related unto them their names whence they came and those various accidents that had befell them in their journey ever since they came from Wrangle made very much of them imagining they had beene great Students and very expert in the Lawes but being examined and throughly tried by a very honest Attorney of that house who wanted his sight he found them to be nothing else then incendiaries and make-bates in the Common wealth and wished them to live in the country and rather go make peace among their neighbours then set them at variance for we quoth he who are Attorneys if men would be quiet and agree among themselves would never intreate or sue for imployment from them but when as sutes by delay or neglect as wounds beginne to fester and gangrene then indeed we ought as Surgeons to doe our best to make an easie and speedy cure with many other good Adviso's which they little regarded but taking their leaves went to some houses I will not name where they found good respect and entertainment And finding some encouragement to Westminster they goe where looking about them they admired the largenes statelinesse of the Hall and above that the timber of the roofe having been there so long should be without Cobwebs perhaps quoth Tuum they are swept downe against the Terme quoth Meum thou art a foole all Kentstreete cannot afford a beesome so long a country man over hearing them answered the roofe was made of Irish timber which no Spider durst touch if there were any Cobwebs they were beneath about the Clarks and Notaries Seates which are seldome or never swept When they had sufficiently gazed about and observed as much as they could comming out with the Country man they viewed well the great dore of the Hall where they espied two Stags Couchand with Crownes about their necks and chaines thwart their backs they asked the reason of their being there the Country man said doubtlesse it was because so much Venison had beene eaten in that Hall when the Kings of England held their great feasts there Tuum thought rather they were some tame Deere because of their chaines but the truth is the Hall of Westminster was built anew by K. Richard the second and they were his Badges for the Kings Mother whom the blacke Prince married was widdow to Lord Holland Earle of Kent and being one of the most beautifullest Ladies of England and called the faire Mayd of Kent before her marriage She gave for her Devise or Crest the white Hind which her Sonne the King altered into a Stagge But to returne to our new Termers Meum and Tuum within a day or two they ordered the matter so that they gat acquaintance in all the Courts of Westminster and in no long time by observation and practise they grew so expert that they were still at one end of every Cause that was pleaded not a Counsellor nor Attorney belonging either to the Kings Bench Commonpleas or any other Court but grew acquainted with them and many times in friendly manner would salute them w th Good morrow Mr. Meum Save you Mr. Tuum I pray let me see you at my Chamber I have beene and so have we all much beholding unto you for your acquaintance and furtherance wee many times fare the better for you yet Meum and Tuum they were like the Whetstone that could sharpen every thing yet it selfe was blunt they could enrich others yet were ever in want for indeed men ever by sutes and contention begger themselves as we see by daily experience howbeit they gat sufficient to maintaine them hand somly and now and then to go to the Dogge Taverne at Westminster who I remember the last day of the Terme bit Meum fearefully to bid a friend to Supper and the like and whereas before they were called by their bare names only they were called now Mr. Meum and Mr. Tuum Now having beene throughly acquainted with Westminster but Westminster better with them and some three or foure Termes past and the long Vacation comming on they heard there was a controversie between certaine Gentlemen Projectors and of the Country where they were borne about the vast and spatious Fennes thereabout whereupon imagining there might bee good fishing in those troubled waters they resolved to goe downe thither to make a division among them if they could not agree among themselves So putting money convenient in their purse away for their Country they go playing many merry trickes by the way which would fill three such bookes as this if I should recount them in order Now by the way if they should happen to want money Meum resolved to take upon him the name and profession of a Physitian and to cure all manner of diseases and griefes by stroking the part pained and uttering some few words by way of charme as you shall heare anon Tuum would like a Gypsey be a teller of Fortunes especially to widdowes and young wenches and indeed they got hereby much money and grew famous One thing I must not forget by the way as they went three or fourescore miles from London as they walked downe a Lane a great shower of raine fell which constrained them to goe through a Gentlemans yard who had beene a Iustice of the Peace and was sitting in a wicker chaire and the Constable of that Parish a little distance off upon an Hogstrough to see his Swine ringed the Iustice was clad in cloth spunne in his owne house seldome came he up to London but ever staid at home keeping a good house among his neighbours Meum and Tuum passing by saluted him with all due respect my friends quoth he you are welcome where is your dwelling quoth Meum An 't please your worship in Westminster in a place called Theeving Lane and my Brother about or neare to Hell by my honesty quoth he both bad and naughty places I wonder my fellow Iustices thereabouts will take no order with that Lane either to place honest men in it or to remoove it further off from his Majesties Court I have heard that in Queen Elizabeth's time much Pla●e Hangings and other things
what contention and strife had lately beene kindled in his Parish through the meanes of Meum and Tuum of whom he had notice and how that they lived in his Parish he resolved by all meanes to rid the Towne of them They on the other side seeing now all things tending to peace and quietnesse and little left to set them on worke for as Eeles in mud Beetles in dung and Swine in the mire they delighted in nothing but base brabbles quarrels and suits in law and well knowing they in that Country had gained experience sufficient pour passer par tout and to set a a whole Country together by the eares they resolved forthwith to travell towards London and to goe by Cambridge forward they goe and the first night they take up their Lodging in an Inne in that ancient Towne called of the Romans Sitomagum here they stayed foure or five daies one lying at the one end of the Towne and the other at the other but in this little space of their staie they made worke a twelve Moneth after for all the Lawiers within tenne miles of that place for they set the Lords of two neighbouring Townes at odds yea two Swinheards of the same Townes who beate one another fearefully about their Swine trespassing one upon anothers Common and another accident happened whiles they were in that Towne A certaine Bailife did use to impound and take waifes and straies of all manner of Cattell as fell within that Lordship on a time there were taken up as straies two Milch Kine and an Oxe the Bailife to cheat the owner if at any time he came to enquire for Beasts had this tricke he would provide a great Rie loafe taken hot out of the Oven and put it upon the Beasts hornes whereby he would bend them which way hee listed if they grew narrow hee would make them wider if they declined backward with his hot loafe hee would bend them forward so that when the owner came to challenge his Cattell he knew them not for hee would say surely the brand and the eare-marke is mine but my Cow or Oxes hornes stood another way this beasts hornes hang in his forehead mine stood upright but surely it is as like my Cow as ever I saw so the honest man that owned them durst not challenge them but they fell as a cheate to the Lord rather to the Bailiefe This tricke being discovered to Meum and Tuum by some who had practised the like Meum growing acquainted with the owner importuned him to sue the Bailife Tuum perswaded the Bailife to sue the owner for giving out threatning words against him and laying claime to that which hee could not justifie for his but the Bailife being an old and a constant Guest to the Hostesse where Meum lay who was a very handsome Lasse She undertooke they should be all friends and shake hands and upon that condition She vowed to bestow a good peece of Beefe a dish of Egges and a Gallon of nappy Ale for a breakefast Meum and Tuum got nothing hereby for the world was now growne wise and honest neighbours ended their strife and differences among themselves so that although they had gotten skill sufficient in these parts yet they had gained little for their maintenance and livelihood Hereupon they resolved to visite the famous Vniversity of Cambridge and to see if they could meete with any of Wrangle at Sturbridge Faire for it was now after Bartholomew-tide and going on their way they come to a Towne called QVI where they went into an honest Alehouse to drinke for the weather was yet warme here they found the Clerke of the Parish a Suffolke Cheesemonger and a Baker of Chesteron exceedingly joviall and merry for they had spent eleven Grotes in sheare Ale onely beside Cheese and Bread which the Suffolke man and the Baker had of their owne a reckoning being called for the Baker who had long served that house with bread denyed that it came to so much for quoth he Hostesse for every Pot that came in I unbuttoned a button so that here are not so many as you say we have had Pots but the truth is the Baker being halfe foxed had not so many buttons at his Doublet as Pots were broughtin but the Hostesse would have her reckoning Meum and Tuum hearing this difference betweene the Hostesse and Baker began to devise how they might interpose themselves to come cleare off for what they had called for in the house and get somwhat more to beare charges Meum while the Baker stepped out of Dores came and whispered him in the eare and told him that he was an Informer lately come from Burie and was going by Cambridge towards London and that if hee would keepe his counsell he would teach him how to bee even with her for the smalenesse of her Pots being under the allowance of the Statute so that he might see them filled and so take his oath safely the Baker calls in for halfe a dozen more and drinkes an Health to Meum Meum againe to the Parish Clerke he to the Cheesemonger so the Baker well pleased fetcheth from his basket two Manchets and gets Cheese of the Suffolke-man and bids Meum fall to and welcome The Hostesse not suspecting any judgling or Treason against her at all sits quietly talking in the Kitchin with Tuum who having overheard those ill words the Baker gave her and his misreckoning calls her on the one side and tells her in private that he was a Promotour belonging to the Exchequer and by his oath and office hee could not chuse but informe against the smalnesse of his Bread wanting in every penny Loafe two Ounces for they borrowed Scales and sealed Weights to weigh it at a Chandlers in the Town the Hostesse finding her selfe to have been cheated for many yeares together willingly consented to bee revenged upon the Baker Tuum takes the day and yeare in his Table Bookes faithfully promising the Hostesse forthwith to informe and that for his part hee would freely bestow his part of the Fine upon her as pitying her losse for so long a time The Hostesse with a low courtsie thanks him heartily hereupon Tuum called to pay truly not a penny if it were twise as much quoth the Hostesse with that she fetched forth a quarter of a rosted Pigge and a dish of new gathered Damsins with a Mazer of good Ale wherin shee powred a little cup of Anise-seede water and dranke to Tuum desiring him to know her house another time he promised he would So calling his Brother Meum from the Bakers company to set forward toward Cambridge the Clerk of QVI desired Tuum to stay but a little and knocking upon the Table with the Church-dore Key called for a Cap of Cambridge beere and dranke to Tuum craving his name hee told him I am his Brother quoth Meum in good time quoth the Clerke came you not out of the Land of Pronounes and