Selected quad for the lemma: earth_n
Text snippets containing the quad
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A31686
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The Character of a coffee-house with the symptomes of a town-wit.
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1673
(1673)
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Wing C1968; ESTC R20219
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6,708
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10
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THE CHARACTER OF A Coffee-House WITH THE SYMPTOMES OF A TOWN-WIT With Allowance April 11 th 1673. LONDON Printed for Jonathan Edwin at the three Roses in Lud-Gate-Street 1673. THE CHARACTER OF A Coffee-House c. A Coffee-House is a Lay-Conventicle Good-fellowship turn'd Puritan Ill-husbandry in Masquerade whither people come after Toping all day to purchase at the expence of their last peny the repute of sober Companions a Rota-Room that like Noahs Ark receives Animals of every sort from the precise diminutive Band to the Hectoring Cravat and Cuffs in Folio a Nursery for training up the smaller Fry of Virtuosi in confident Tattling or a Cabal of Kittling Criticks that have only learn't to Spit and Mew a Mint of Intelligence that to make each man his peny-worth draws out into petty parcels what the Merchant receives in Builion He that comes often saves two pence a week in Gazets and has his News and his Coffee for the same charge as at a three peny Ordinary they give in Broth to your Chop of Mutton 't is an Exchange where Haberdashers of Political small wares meet and mutually abuse each other and the Publique with bottomless stories and headless notions the Rendezvous of idle Pamphlets and persons more idly imployd to read them a High Court of Justice where every little Fellow in a Chamlet-Cloak takes upon him to transpose Affairs both in Church and State to shew reasons against Acts of Parliament and condemn the Decrees of General Councels 'T is impossible to describe it better than the most ingenious of the Latine Poets has done it to our hand and that so excellently we cannot but transcribe it Unde quod est usquam quamvis Regionibus absit Inspicitur penetrátque cavas vox omius ad Aures Nocte Diéque patet Tota est ex AEresonanti Tota Fremit Vocésque refert Iteratque quod Audit Nulla Quies intus nullâque silentia parte Nec tamen est Clamor sed parvae Murmura Vocis Qualia de Pelagi si quis procul audiat undâ Esse solent qualemve sonum cum Jupiter atras Increpuit nubes Extrema Tonitrua reddunt Atria Turba tenet veniunt Leve vulgus Eunâ—que Mistáque cum veris passim Commenta vagantur Millia Rumorum confusáque verba volutant Equibus Hii vacuas Implent sermonibus Aures Hi narrata feruntaliò Mensuráque ficti Crescit Auditis aliquid novus Adjicit Author Illic Credulitas Illic temerarius Error Varáque Letitia est Consternatique Timores Seditióque recens dubióque Authore Susurri Ipsa quid in Caelo Rerum Pelagóque geratur Et Tellure videt Totúmque Inquirit in Orbem Thus strictly English't Here all that 's dâ—ne though far remote appears And in close whispers penetrates our ears As built of Brass the House throughout resounds Reports things heaâ—d and every word rebounds No rest within nor silâ—â—câ— yet the noise Not loud but like a hallow murmuring voice Such as from far by Rowling Waves is sent Or like Joves fainting Thunder almost spent Hither the idle vulgar come and go Carrying a thousand Rumours to and fro With stale reports some listening ears do fill Some coyn fresh tales in words that vary still Lies mixt with Truth all in the telling grows And each Relator adds to what he knows Here dwells rash error light credulity Sad panick fears joys built on vanity New rais'd sedition secret whisperings Of unknown Authors and of doubtful things All Acts of Heav'n and Earth it boldly views And through the spacious World enquires for News The Room stinks of Tobacco worse than Hell of Brimstone and is as full of smoakâ—s â—s their Heads that frequent it whose humours are as various as those of Bedlam and their discourse ost-ost-times as Heathenish and dull as their Liquor that Liquor which by its looks and taste you may reasonably guess to be Pluto's Diet-drink that Witches tipple out of dead mens Skulls when they ratifie to Belzebub their Sacramental Vows This Stâ—gian-Puddle-seller was formerly notorious for his ill-favour'd Cap that Ap'd a Turbant and in Conjunction with his Antichristian face made him appear perfect Turk But of late his Wife being grown acquainted with Callants and the provocative virtue of Chocolet he finds a Broad-brim'd Hat more necessary When he comes to fill you a Dish you may take him for Guy Faux with a dark Lanthorn in 's hand for no sooner can you taste it but it scalds your throat as if you had swallowed the Gunpowder-Treason though he seem never so demure you cannot properly call him Pharisee for he never washes either out or inside of his pots or dishes till they be as black as an Usurers Conscience and then only scraping off the contracted Soot makes use of it in the way of his Trade instead of Coffee-powder their taste and virtue being so near of Kin he dares defie the veriest Coffee-Critick to distinguish them Though he be no great Traveller yet he is in continual motion but 't is only from the fire side to the Table and his tongue goes infinitely faster than his feet his grand study being readily to eccho an answer to that thredbare question What News have you Master Then with a grave whisper yet such as all the Room may hear it he discovers some mysterious Intrigue of State told him last night by one that is Barber to the Taylor of a mighty great Courtiers man relating this with no less formality than a young Preacher delivers his first Sermon a sudden Hickup surprizes him and he is forced twenty times to break the thred of his Tale with such necessary Parenthesis's Wife sweep up those loose Corns of Tobacco and see the Liquor boil not over He holds it as part of his Creed that the Great Turk is a very good Christian and of the Reformed Church because he drinks Coffee and swears that Pointings for celebrating its virtues in doggerel deserves to be Poet Laureat yet is it not only this hot Hell-broth that he sells for never was Mountebank surnisht with more variety of poysonous drugs then he of liquors Tea and Aromatique for the sweet-tooth'd Gentleman Betony and Rosade for the addle-headed Customer Back recruiting Chocolet for the Consumptive Gallant Herefordshire Redstreak made of rotten apples at the three Cranes true Brunswick-Mum brew'd at S. Katherines and Ale in peny Mugs not so big as a Taylors Thimble As you have a hodge-podge of Drinks such too is your Company for each man seems a Leveller and ranks and files himself as he lists without regard to degrees or order so that oft you may see a silly Fop and a worshipful Justice a griping Rock and a grave Citizen a worthy Lawyer and an errant Pick-pocket a Reverend Nonconsormist and a Canting Mountebank all blended together to compose an Oglio of Impertinence If any Pragmatick to shew himself witty or eloquent begin to talk high presently the further Tables are abandon'd and all the rest flock round like smaller birds