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or_o whether_o it_o be_v a_o lively_a alarm_n from_o heaven_n to_o my_o soul_n thus_o tremble_v in_o myself_o whether_o my_o forbearance_n may_v not_o be_v find_v a_o yield_n to_o satan_n or_o whether_o on_o the_o other_o side_n i_o may_v not_o attempt_v and_o provoke_v the_o lord_n by_o rush_v unprepared_o upon_o his_o holy_a thing_n thus_o desire_v to_o give_v up_o myself_o into_o the_o hand_n of_o the_o lord_n wait_v for_o the_o breathe_n of_o his_o spirit_n through_o the_o help_n of_o your_o prayer_n i_o beseech_v the_o lord_n alone_o to_o guide_v and_o lead_v my_o soul_n in_o all_o its_o motion_n and_o action_n in_o this_o present_a world_n until_o he_o shall_v bring_v it_o to_o a_o full_a enjoyment_n of_o himself_o in_o the_o perfection_n of_o holiness_n which_o my_o soul_n wait_v and_o long_v for_o where_o i_o shall_v full_o enjoy_v what_o now_o my_o poor_a soul_n have_v but_o a_o transient_a taste_n of_o which_o the_o lord_n accomplish_v in_o his_o own_o time_n and_o make_v i_o 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now_o at_o his_o right_a hand_n plead_v for_o i_o that_o i_o may_v not_o be_v pull_v out_o of_o his_o hand_n for_o how_o can_v the_o lord_n endure_v wickedness_n any_o lust_n or_o corruption_n to_o possess_v my_o heart_n and_o take_v the_o sceptre_n out_o of_o his_o hand_n and_o so_o to_o rule_v and_o reign_v over_o i_o nay_o can_v my_o soul_n bear_v it_o to_o be_v thus_o overpowred_n and_o to_o have_v my_o heart_n thus_o draw_v from_o christ_n and_o thus_o captivate_v by_o sin_n and_o satan_n when_o one_o word_n of_o his_o mouth_n can_v set_v my_o soul_n at_o liberty_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o search_v i_o and_o to_o try_v i_o for_o he_o know_v whether_o those_o desire_n and_o tear_n and_o groan_n come_v from_o my_o heart_n yea_o or_o no_o yea_o i_o know_v thou_o do_v search_v i_o and_o know_v my_o heart_n but_o lord_n discover_v also_o to_o i_o and_o if_o there_o be_v any_o hypocrisy_n in_o my_o spirit_n in_o this_o regard_n oh_o that_o thou_o will_v answer_v i_o so_o by_o fire_n to_o consume_v that_o dross_n and_o corruption_n in_o my_o soul_n yea_o whatsoever_o thyrighteous_a eyesee_v in_o i_o that_o be_v darken_v to_o thy_o glory_n and_o withal_o tell_v the_o lord_n how_o like_o a_o flood_n of_o mighty_a water_n this_o corruption_n come_v in_o upon_o i_o one_o wave_z following_z another_z that_o i_o have_v no_o power_n to_o withstand_v it_o though_o he_o have_v discover_v much_o of_o himself_o to_o my_o sonl_n and_o of_o the_o riches_n of_o his_o grace_n and_o emptiness_n of_o all_o other_o thing_n that_o yet_o my_o soul_n shall_v so_o run_v after_o vanity_n beseech_v the_o lord_n to_o give_v a_o real_a turn_n to_o all_o the_o affection_n of_o my_o soul_n and_o to_o fix_v they_o upon_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n where_o they_o shall_v be_v sure_a to_o be_v return_v this_o be_v in_o the_o morning_n of_o the_o 10._o day_n than_o do_v the_o lord_n further_o satisfy_v and_o quiet_v my_o heart_n in_o my_o evening_n sacrifice_n that_o same_o day_n his_o 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the_o lord_n concern_v satan_n deal_n with_o my_o soul_n and_o some_o refreshment_n to_o support_v my_o spirit_n under_o it_o oh_o my_o soul_n have_v not_o satan_n deal_v with_o thou_o concern_v this_o great_a ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n even_o as_o he_o have_v former_o do_v concern_v the_o great_a duty_n of_o prayer_n how_o often_o have_v he_o suggest_v to_o thou_o that_o it_o be_v to_o no_o end_n to_o pray_v to_o the_o lord_n reason_v thus_o with_o thou_o oftentimes_o do_v thou_o think_v there_o be_v any_o such_o god_n as_o thou_o pray_v to_o do_v he_o ever_o hear_v thou_o or_o give_v thou_o any_o token_n of_o answer_n why_o then_o do_v thou_o continual_o appeal_v to_o he_o and_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o have_v he_o not_o do_v just_o thus_o about_o this_o ordinance_n of_o the_o lord_n supper_n thou_o wicked_a spirit_n how_o often_o have_v thou_o be_v prove_v a_o liar_n what_o eminent_a token_n have_v god_n give_v i_o of_o his_o hear_n prayer_n from_o time_n to_o time_n both_o concern_v myself_o and_o other_o and_o therein_o have_v prove_v thou_o a_o liar_n and_o why_o then_o oh_o my_o soul_n shall_v thou_o not_o believe_v that_o satan_n will_v also_o prove_v a_o liar_n in_o this_o be_v not_o the_o lord_n yesterday_o and_o to_o day_n and_o for_o ever_o be_v his_o arm_n shorten_v or_o his_o hand_n weaken_v that_o he_o can_v save_v and_o deliver_v and_o appear_v to_o thou_o in_o as_o glorious_a a_o manner_n as_o ever_o oh_o then_o wait_v for_o he_o and_o what_o if_o thou_o wait_v until_o thy_o dissolution_n it_o will_v be_v happiness_n more_o than_o thou_o do_v deserve_v to_o be_v find_v wait_v yet_o thou_o do_v not_o know_v how_o soon_o he_o may_v appear_v to_o thou_o about_o the_o middle_n of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653_o o_o my_o soul_n what_o be_v thy_o continue_a fear_n be_v they_o not_o lest_o any_o thing_n shall_v withdraw_v or_o steal_v away_o thy_o heart_n from_o the_o lord_n do_v not_o thou_o daily_o beg_v of_o he_o rather_o to_o crucify_v all_o thy_o earthly_a desire_n what_o ever_o than_o any_o way_n to_o satisfy_v any_o of_o they_o a_o letter_n to_o mr._n knight_n the_o sixteenth_o of_o the_o eight_o month_n 1653._o in_o answer_n to_o the_o former_a desire_n to_o he_o the_o nine_o of_o the_o same_o month_n to_o bless_v the_o lord_n for_o the_o answer_n dear_a sir_n have_v former_o in_o the_o time_n of_o my_o sadness_n desire_v your_o remembrance_n before_o the_o lord_n who_o have_v appear_v in_o prayer_n both_o public_a and_o private_a as_o also_o many_o other_o way_n thereby_o stay_v my_o poor_a spirit_n to_o wait_v upon_o he_o
world_n with_o i_o then_o do_v the_o lord_n enable_v i_o to_o see_v that_o all_o my_o former_a desire_n will_v have_v be_v nothing_o but_o that_o i_o may_v even_o then_o have_v go_v to_o hell_n as_o well_o as_o afterward_o whereupon_o i_o be_v much_o trouble_v and_o very_o desirous_a to_o read_v and_o hear_v all_o the_o mark_n of_o a_o righteous_a man_n that_o shall_v go_v to_o heaven_n and_o according_o i_o get_v a_o book_n call_v mr._n roger_n evidence_n and_o a_o other_o call_v the_o touchstone_n of_o true_a grace_n a_o other_o call_v none_o but_o christ_n and_o divers_a other_o which_o i_o do_v daily_o read_v on_o for_o many_o hour_n together_o then_o come_v the_o devil_n upon_o i_o with_o this_o temptation_n that_o i_o shall_v keep_v all_o this_o my_o trouble_n to_o myself_o and_o not_o discover_v it_o to_o any_o although_o never_o so_o near_o or_o dear_a unto_o i_o which_o temptation_n i_o whole_o yield_v unto_o and_o that_o for_o many_o year_n together_o until_o i_o even_o destroy_v my_o bodily_a health_n with_o continual_a trouble_n fear_n and_o sadness_n but_o not_o discover_v any_o cause_n of_o it_o so_o that_o all_o the_o support_n i_o have_v be_v what_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v to_o hand_n out_o to_o i_o by_o hear_v and_o read_v which_o he_o be_v please_v to_o make_v effectual_a still_o to_o lead_v i_o on_o though_o with_o much_o trouble_n and_o sadness_n then_o in_o the_o begin_n of_o these_o trouble_n be_v in_o the_o year_n 1638._o or_o 1639._o i_o be_v some_o 12_o or_o 13_o year_n old_a which_o be_v time_n of_o great_a fear_n and_o sadness_n the_o people_n of_o god_n meet_v often_o and_o speak_v one_o to_o a_o other_o and_o keep_v day_n of_o humiliation_n and_o seek_v the_o lord_n in_o the_o behalf_n of_o the_o nation_n and_o his_o poor_a people_n in_o it_o my_o parent_n often_o go_v to_o these_o meeting_n but_o not_o dare_v to_o tell_v i_o it_o the_o time_n be_v so_o dangerous_a at_o last_o have_v often_o observe_v the_o frame_n of_o their_o spirit_n at_o such_o time_n more_o especial_o i_o begin_v much_o to_o long_o and_o desire_v to_o know_v whither_o they_o go_v and_o be_v very_o importunate_a with_o my_o mother_n to_o that_o end_n and_o at_o last_o prevail_v she_o be_v content_a to_o let_v i_o go_v along_o with_o they_o which_o be_v so_o please_v to_o i_o that_o ever_o after_o i_o continue_v to_o go_v with_o they_o every_o week_n almost_o and_o sometime_o often_o where_o i_o find_v often_o much_o refreshment_n especial_o bear_v up_o my_o heart_n under_o those_o eminent_a danger_n which_o in_o a_o especial_a manner_n we_o lie_v open_a unto_o which_o the_o devil_n perceive_v to_o be_v agreat_a encouragement_n to_o i_o in_o the_o way_n i_o now_o desire_v to_o walk_v in_o use_v many_o temptation_n work_v together_o with_o the_o corruption_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n in_o this_o estate_n of_o my_o childhood_n to_o hinder_v i_o from_o enjoy_v these_o opportunity_n as_o some_o time_n sleepiness_n be_v fain_o to_o go_v early_o in_o the_o morning_n and_o cold_a it_o be_v in_o the_o deep_a of_o winter_n etc._n etc._n with_o several_a other_o temptation_n as_o the_o danger_n if_o we_o shall_v be_v take_v as_o some_o have_v be_v and_o all_o this_o to_o discourage_v i_o which_o sometime_o he_o well_o nigh_o accomplish_v but_o ponder_v it_o sin_v my_o mind_n and_o be_v enable_v to_o conceive_v it_o to_o be_v but_o a_o temptation_n i_o dare_v very_o seldom_o if_o ever_o give_v way_n to_o they_o but_o be_v still_o enable_v to_o break_v through_o though_o true_o i_o have_v much_o admire_v since_o how_o my_o spirit_n be_v carry_v out_o in_o those_o day_n in_o join_v in_o prayer_n etc._n etc._n how_o exceed_o sometime_o my_o heart_n be_v wrought_v upon_o and_o constrain_v to_o pour_v forth_o tear_n and_o groan_n yea_o my_o heart_n be_v wrought_v up_o to_o such_o a_o frame_n and_o i_o find_v so_o much_o sweetness_n as_o i_o apprehend_v in_o the_o company_n of_o the_o saint_n and_o those_o enjoyment_n my_o soul_n feel_v in_o such_o duty_n that_o i_o think_v i_o can_v free_o and_o cheerful_o lay_v down_o my_o life_n with_o they_o more_o free_o than_o i_o fear_v i_o can_v long_o since_o master_n love_n then_o come_v to_o london_n and_o sometime_o meet_v he_o at_o these_o private_a meeting_n and_o so_o have_v some_o knowledge_n of_o he_o and_o be_v afterward_o choose_v chaplain_n to_o my_o father_n regiment_n and_o so_o go_v to_o windsor_n with_o we_o about_o the_o year_n 1642._o and_o so_o live_v in_o the_o house_n with_o we_o for_o 2_o year_n a_o half_a who_o at_o our_o first_o go_n perceive_v much_o sadness_n to_o lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o know_v by_o experience_n what_o a_o trouble_a spirit_n be_v he_o have_v former_o lie_v under_o it_o for_o divers_a year_n do_v at_o last_o serious_o burden_n i_o with_o it_o which_o come_v upon_o i_o in_o such_o a_o nick_n of_o time_n have_v but_o a_o little_a before_o be_v read_v in_o a_o little_a book_n that_o i_o have_v wherein_o i_o be_v direct_v that_o if_o any_o trouble_n lie_v upon_o my_o spirit_n i_o shall_v reveal_v it_o that_o so_o i_o may_v receive_v satisfaction_n which_o ponder_v with_o in_o myself_o i_o dare_v not_o deny_v it_o but_o tell_v he_o in_o some_o measure_n the_o ground_n of_o my_o trouble_n and_o he_o endeavour_v to_o satisfy_v i_o from_o the_o word_n which_o he_o have_v no_o soon_o do_v in_o any_o measure_n but_o still_o the_o devil_n begin_v with_o new_a and_o fresh_a temptation_n and_o when_o what_o have_v be_v say_v to_o i_o be_v a_o little_a out_o of_o my_o mind_n which_o he_o will_v soon_o find_v occasion_n to_o put_v out_o then_o come_v he_o over_o with_o the_o old_a temptation_n again_o work_v they_o fresh_a upon_o my_o thought_n endeavour_v still_o to_o drive_v i_o to_o despair_v of_o ever_o receive_v any_o mercy_n of_o god_n then_o stand_v i_o convince_v from_o the_o word_n and_o divers_a instruction_n i_o meet_v withal_o ground_v thereupon_o that_o it_o be_v my_o duty_n to_o perform_v private_a duty_n as_o well_o as_o public_a as_o prayer_n meditation_n examination_n and_o the_o like_a which_o i_o know_v not_o how_o to_o set_v about_o in_o a_o serious_a manner_n be_v every_o way_n unfit_a for_o it_o and_o unable_a to_o it_o so_o that_o often_o through_o neglect_n and_o mis-performance_n this_o also_o add_v to_o my_o trouble_n and_o sadness_n then_o hear_v mr._n love_n preach_v upon_o that_o scripture_n mat._n 5._o 20._o for_o i_o say_v unto_o you_o except_o your_o righteousness_n shall_v exceed_v the_o righteousness_n of_o the_o scribe_n and_o pharisee_n you_o shall_v in_o no_o wise_n enter_v into_o the_o kingdom_n of_o heaven_n and_o hear_v how_o far_o the_o pharisee_n go_v in_o the_o performance_n of_o duty_n and_o avoid_v of_o evil_n etc._n etc._n which_o i_o see_v myself_o so_o short_a of_o which_o make_v i_o conclude_v i_o shall_v also_o be_v short_a of_o heaven_n my_o eye_n &_o understanding_n be_v then_o withhold_v from_o the_o right_a understanding_n of_o the_o spiritual_a sense_n of_o that_o scripture_n which_o since_o the_o lord_n of_o his_o rich_a grace_n have_v enable_v i_o to_o see_v fulfil_v in_o the_o lord_n jesus_n who_o be_v i_o through_o faith_n a_o while_n after_o he_o do_v also_o preach_v upon_o that_o scripture_n in_o heb._n 12._o 15_o 16_o 17._o look_v diligent_o lest_o there_o be_v any_o fornicator_n or_o profane_a person_n as_o esau_n who_o for_o one_o morsel_n of_o meat_n sell_v his_o birthright_n for_o you_o know_v how_o that_o afterward_o when_o he_o will_v have_v inherit_v the_o blessing_n he_o be_v reject_v for_o he_o find_v no_o place_n of_o repentance_n though_o he_o seek_v it_o careful_o with_o tear_n upon_o the_o hear_n of_o which_o it_o be_v suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o have_v never_o seek_v the_o blessing_n so_o diligent_o careful_o and_o importunate_o as_o profane_v esau_n do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v much_o more_o go_v without_o it_o the_o thought_n of_o which_o scripture_n among_o divers_a other_o strike_v so_o deep_a in_o i_o that_o it_o much_o increase_v my_o sadness_n so_o that_o i_o can_v take_v little_a delight_n in_o any_o thing_n in_o the_o world_n but_o as_o often_o as_o i_o can_v refuse_v to_o go_v into_o any_o company_n choose_v rather_o a_o solitary_a life_n yet_o still_o endeavour_v to_o keep_v all_o to_o myself_o make_v nothing_o know_v but_o only_o those_o daily_a bodily_a weakness_n which_o do_v also_o accompany_v i_o in_o great_a measure_n in_o this_o condition_n i_o continue_v for_o that_o time_n i_o be_v at_o windsor_n be_v often_o condemn_v in_o my_o own_o conscience_n for_o my_o neglect_n of_o duty_n and_o commission_n of_o sin_n etc._n etc._n and_o what_o ever_o have_v at_o
degree_n of_o it_o which_o thou_o see_v through_o mercy_n by_o other_o though_o not_o visible_o to_o they_o thus_o do_v the_o lord_n bring_v a_o good_a issue_n out_o of_o their_o own_o speech_n and_o word_n cause_v thou_o to_o lie_v down_o at_o his_o foot_n expect_v the_o punishment_n of_o thy_o iniquity_n yea_o great_a difficulty_n than_o these_o have_v the_o lord_n carry_v thou_o through_o when_o all_o the_o power_n of_o hell_n and_o thy_o own_o corruption_n have_v combine_v together_o to_o keep_v thou_o from_o duty_n of_o prayer_n meditation_n and_o examination_n and_o the_o like_a and_o yet_o the_o lord_n have_v enable_v thou_o to_o break_v through_o all_o and_o to_o pour_v out_o thy_o soul_n to_o he_o when_o thou_o be_v even_o in_o thy_o own_o apprehension_n at_o the_o pit_n brink_n and_o yet_o resolve_v to_o cry_v to_o he_o and_o not_o to_o give_v over_o cry_v and_o call_v whilst_o thou_o live_v notwithstanding_o all_o temptation_n to_o the_o contrary_a yea_o the_o more_o strong_a the_o temptation_n be_v the_o more_o speedy_o be_v thou_o fain_o to_o address_v to_o the_o lord_n for_o his_o strength_n and_o power_n to_o assist_v thou_o in_o grapple_v with_o they_o yea_o when_o some_o time_n overcome_v as_o it_o be_v and_o beat_v down_o by_o satan_n and_o enter_v the_o very_a border_n of_o despair_n yet_o even_o thence_o from_o this_o belly_n of_o hell_n in_o which_o thou_o do_v apprehend_v thyself_o already_o enter_v do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o cry_v to_o he_o &_o resolve_v to_o give_v he_o no_o rest_n yea_o when_o thou_o find_v no_o advantage_n or_o profit_n of_o all_o thy_o prayer_n and_o tear_n &_o sigh_n &_o croan_n but_o that_o the_o lord_n seem_v to_o turn_v a_o deaf_a ear_n yet_o do_v not_o the_o lord_n enable_v thou_o to_o go_v on_o and_o to_o tell_v he_o that_o all_o those_o comfort_n and_o enjoyment_n here_o below_o they_o be_v poor_a mean_a thing_n such_o as_o thou_o can_v not_o take_v for_o thy_o portion_n and_o therefore_o do_v beg_v with_o submission_n to_o his_o will_n that_o if_o he_o have_v no_o other_o for_o thou_o but_o the_o portion_n of_o this_o life_n that_o he_o will_v please_v to_o deny_v thou_o they_o also_o and_o never_o give_v they_o to_o be_v a_o snare_n but_o rather_o let_v thou_o end_v thy_o day_n in_o some_o desolate_a wilderness_n 3._o faithfulness_n appear_v in_o cheerful_a service_n now_o o_o my_o soul_n be_v thou_o not_o able_a to_o say_v before_o the_o lord_n the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n through_o his_o grace_n that_o so_o much_o faithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o thou_o in_o any_o service_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v thy_o very_a joy_n and_o rejoice_n of_o thy_o heart_n but_o on_o the_o other_o side_n so_o much_o unfaithfulness_n as_o thou_o can_v discern_v in_o any_o service_n this_o be_v it_o that_o make_v thou_o go_v mourn_v all_o thy_o day_n because_o thou_o be_v no_o more_o fruitful_a 4._o o_o my_o soul_n thy_o faithfulness_n in_o some_o measure_n appear_v in_o that_o thou_o be_v rejoice_v real_o in_o spirit_n when_o any_o opportunity_n be_v put_v into_o thy_o hand_n and_o thy_o heart_n be_v enable_v in_o any_o measure_n to_o improve_v it_o to_o the_o service_n and_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n and_o be_v thou_o not_o on_o the_o contrary_a grieve_v that_o thou_o have_v so_o many_o opportunity_n offer_v before_o thou_o but_o like_o a_o fool_n have_v not_o a_o heart_n to_o improve_v they_o for_o the_o glory_n of_o thy_o lord_n be_v not_o this_o thy_o daily_a burden_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o be_v &_o when_o through_o the_o subtlety_n of_o satan_n and_o deceit_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n i_o fool_n away_o many_o rich_a opportunity_n by_o not_o improve_n of_o they_o which_o after_o prove_v a_o sad_a burden_n and_o affliction_n to_o i_o 5._o o_o my_o soul_n do_v there_o not_o appear_v some_o degree_n of_o faithfulness_n to_o thy_o lord_n in_o that_o thy_o endeavour_n do_v come_v still_o beneath_o thy_o desire_n have_v not_o the_o lord_n real_o enable_v thou_o through_o grace_n to_o say_v with_o paul_n the_o good_a that_o i_o will_v do_v i_o do_v not_o but_o o_o that_o i_o can_v do_v it_o that_o i_o can_v serve_v the_o lord_n more_o and_o better_o but_o oh_o how_o low_o do_v i_o live_v and_o how_o poor_o do_v i_o walk_v but_o oh_o that_o i_o can_v come_v to_o prayer_n and_o read_v and_o hear_v and_o meditate_v and_o do_v all_o private_a and_o public_a duty_n and_o walk_v in_o all_o my_o relation_n in_o this_o world_n as_o may_v honour_v this_o my_o lord_n be_v not_o these_o the_o continual_a groan_n and_o breathe_n of_o my_o heart_n before_o the_o lord_n lord_n thou_o know_v it_o for_o i_o have_v none_o i_o desire_v to_o appeal_v unto_o but_o to_o thou_o the_o searcher_n of_o my_o heart_n 6._o lord_n do_v not_o some_o faithfulness_n appear_v to_o be_v wrought_v in_o my_o soul_n by_o thou_o in_o that_o thou_o have_v above_o all_o thing_n make_v i_o to_o delight_v in_o that_o work_n that_o no_o eye_n see_v but_o thyself_o thou_o know_v what_o a_o fear_n have_v be_v upon_o my_o spirit_n and_o be_v to_o this_o day_n in_o a_o great_a measure_n to_o appear_v before_o other_o thou_o lord_n know_v how_o many_o year_n this_o fear_n have_v be_v as_o a_o prison_n to_o keep_v in_o the_o working_n of_o my_o heart_n &_o as_o door_n to_o my_o mouth_n to_o keep_v it_o from_o lament_v itself_o not_o so_o much_o as_o in_o one_o word_n in_o the_o hear_n of_o other_o lest_o there_o shall_v any_o pride_n or_o hypocrifie_n act_n in_o it_o yea_o to_o this_o very_a day_n how_o many_o service_n wherein_o perhaps_o thy_o lord_n may_v be_v honour_v be_v thou_o prevent_v and_o dare_v not_o to_o act_v in_o upon_o this_o very_a account_n that_o it_o can_v be_v do_v in_o private_a can_v thou_o not_o say_v before_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n that_o such_o thought_n and_o apprehension_n and_o fear_n as_o these_o lest_o other_o shall_v esteem_v thou_o better_o than_o thou_o be_v or_o thy_o own_o spirit_n be_v lift_v up_o before_o the_o lord_n or_o any_o false_a end_n bias_n thou_o in_o it_o that_o such_o thought_n i_o say_v as_o thief_n do_v often_o as_o it_o be_v tie_v up_o thy_o tongue_n sow_v up_o thy_o mouth_n in_o all_o company_n even_o while_o at_o that_o instant_n thy_o heart_n be_v even_o ready_a to_o split_v or_o break_v in_o piece_n for_o want_n of_o vent_n sometime_o apprehend_v that_o those_o discovery_n that_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v sometime_o to_o make_v to_o thou_o and_o the_o rich_a grace_n he_o be_v please_v to_o manifest_v in_o thou_o in_o overcome_v all_o the_o unkindness_n in_o thou_o ought_v not_o to_o be_v put_v unnder_v a_o bushel_n but_o hold_v out_o to_o other_o and_o yet_o not_o dare_v to_o do_v it_o find_v my_o wretched_a heart_n so_o prone_a to_o be_v lift_v up_o upon_o all_o such_o occasion_n and_o so_o dishonour_n god_n that_o way_n and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o myself_o also_o and_o through_o both_o these_o fear_v my_o soul_n often_o walk_v sad_o before_o the_o lord_n fear_v to_o offend_v he_o and_o not_o be_v able_a to_o discern_v it_o whether_o way_n i_o may_v most_o honour_v he_o have_v make_v trial_n of_o both_o sometime_o silent_a and_o sometime_o speak_v and_o find_v the_o wickedness_n of_o my_o heart_n appear_v sad_o in_o both_o i_o know_v not_o sometime_o which_o be_v best_a the_o lord_n in_o mercy_n manifest_a and_o clear_v up_o to_o i_o o_o my_o soul_n thus_o may_v it_o probable_o and_o hopeful_o appear_v to_o thou_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v make_v thou_o in_o some_o measure_n his_o faithful_a servant_n 1._o the_o lord_n have_v give_v i_o some_o hope_n that_o i_o trust_v i_o have_v no_o other_o master_n that_o i_o willing_o call_v rabbi_n or_o willing_o serve_v but_o my_o lord_n jesus_n nor_o have_v i_o any_o other_o work_n that_o i_o do_v upon_o which_o my_o heart_n be_v delightful_o set_v upon_o but_o only_o my_o lord_n work_v and_o this_o appear_v far_a to_o i_o in_o that_o the_o lord_n have_v i_o hope_v in_o some_o measure_n wrought_v my_o heart_n to_o this_o frame_n of_o spirit_n to_o desire_v above_o all_o thing_n to_o serve_v my_o lord_n christ_n in_o all_o the_o relation_n he_o have_v set_v i_o in_o in_o this_o world_n and_o to_o that_o end_n every_o fail_n in_o any_o of_o they_o either_o as_o a_o child_n or_o friend_n or_o any_o relation_n though_o i_o too_o sad_o fail_v in_o they_o all_o this_o be_v that_o which_o if_o my_o heart_n deceive_v i_o not_o above_o all_o thing_n break_v my_o heart_n to_o think_v that_o hereby_o i_o do_v dishonour_n my_o lord_n jesus_n and_o that_o profession_n of_o be_v his_o servant_n it_o be_v not_o
any_o time_n be_v speak_v to_o i_o in_o way_n of_o comfort_n by_o mr._n love_n who_o only_o be_v acquaint_v with_o my_o fear_n it_o take_v no_o hold_n upon_o i_o at_o all_o nor_o abode_n upon_o my_o spirit_n save_v only_o in_o the_o minute_n it_o be_v speak_v for_o the_o truth_n be_v i_o be_v then_o too_o remiss_a in_o take_v notice_n or_o observe_v the_o passage_n of_o god_n providence_n towards_o i_o not_o be_v able_a then_o to_o believe_v that_o it_o be_v indeed_o a_o work_n of_o god_n upon_o my_o soul_n which_o since_o through_o grace_n he_o have_v be_v please_v more_o evident_o to_o declare_v then_o come_v from_o thence_o to_o london_n much_o about_o the_o year_n 1645._o be_v now_o a_o little_a instruct_v in_o the_o notional_a knowledge_n of_o many_o point_n in_o religion_n i_o have_v now_o a_o new_a temptation_n beset_a i_o in_o this_o manner_n that_o if_o i_o will_v but_o walk_v more_o close_o with_o the_o lord_n and_o make_v more_o conscience_n of_o all_o know_a duty_n whether_o hear_v prayer_n meditation_n examination_n etc._n etc._n that_o then_o i_o may_v more_o comfortable_o look_v up_o unto_o the_o lord_n and_o also_o find_v in_o myself_o divers_a qualification_n annex_v to_o several_a promise_n which_o may_v much_o comfort_v i_o which_o work_n i_o begin_v to_o set_v about_o endeavour_v to_o tie_v myself_o strict_o to_o it_o and_o according_a as_o i_o be_v able_a desire_v the_o lord_n assistance_n and_o withal_o make_v he_o many_o promise_n that_o if_o he_o will_v make_v out_o love_v to_o i_o i_o will_v be_v and_o do_v thus_o and_o thus_o but_o upon_o trial_n find_v myself_o to_o fail_v in_o every_o thing_n sometime_o through_o temptation_n to_o neglect_v or_o put_v off_o duty_n for_o a_o time_n which_o be_v occasion_v many_o way_n sometime_o be_v in_o company_n i_o can_v not_o well_o leave_v or_o the_o like_a all_o which_o weigh_v in_o my_o mind_n do_v still_o augment_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n find_v this_o strict_a course_n though_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o keep_v close_o to_o to_o be_v a_o burden_n to_o i_o with_o many_o such_o wicked_a thought_n whereby_o i_o come_v to_o apprehend_v myself_o as_o it_o be_v still_o far_o and_o far_o from_o heaven_n and_o happiness_n in_o all_o which_o time_n i_o can_v find_v little_a ground_n of_o any_o comfort_n unless_o take_v from_o my_o desire_n which_o i_o can_v not_o apprehend_v constant_a neither_o but_o endeavour_v still_o to_o go_v on_o in_o this_o poor_a way_n of_o performance_n i_o have_v some_o small_a comfort_n find_v as_o i_o think_v some_o qualification_n in_o my_o soul_n which_o be_v annex_v unto_o divers_a promise_n where-upon_a i_o be_v somewhat_o at_o the_o present_a stay_v and_o begin_v to_o gather_v up_o some_o totter_a hope_n of_o the_o goodness_n of_o my_o condition_n from_o mat._n 11._o 28._o and_o such_o like_a scripture_n then_o live_v near_o unto_o mr._n love_n and_o the_o presbyterian_a government_n be_v then_o about_o to_o be_v set_v up_o i_o have_v much_o strife_n in_o myself_o whether_o to_o join_v with_o they_o in_o it_o or_o no_o and_o so_o to_o partake_v of_o the_o ordinance_n whereby_o i_o may_v come_v to_o have_v my_o interest_n in_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n seal_v up_o unto_o i_o be_v exceed_v fearful_a lest_o if_o i_o shall_v slight_v or_o put_v off_o such_o a_o opportunity_n it_o may_v be_v lay_v to_o my_o charge_n another_o day_n that_o i_o have_v it_o offer_v i_o but_o will_v not_o accept_v of_o it_o so_o that_o at_o last_o i_o resolve_v to_o join_v with_o they_o and_o partake_v of_o the_o ordinance_n that_o so_o i_o may_v come_v to_o have_v my_o grace_n strengthen_v and_o my_o corruption_n weaken_v and_o also_o come_v to_o enjoy_v more_o communion_n with_o jesus_n christ_n which_o i_o have_v some_o weak_a distract_a though_o no_o abide_n hope_n of_o thus_o have_v be_v before_o the_o elder_n &_o there_o examine_v somewhat_o touch_v my_o knowledge_n etc._n etc._n and_o the_o time_n of_o administration_n of_o the_o lords-supper_n draw_v nigh_o i_o endeavour_v for_o some_o day_n before_o in_o a_o serious_a and_o solemn_a manner_n to_o set_v myself_o in_o the_o lord_n presence_n beseech_v he_o to_o fit_v i_o for_o it_o together_o with_o the_o examination_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n both_o touch_v my_o duty_n and_o grace_n as_o also_o touch_v my_o sin_n and_o want_n which_o i_o desire_v a_o supply_n of_o still_o beg_v of_o the_o lord_n in_o all_o this_o time_n of_o my_o trouble_n that_o he_o will_v not_o give_v i_o over_o to_o a_o deceive_a heart_n what_o ever_o he_o do_v with_o i_o so_o as_o to_o think_v better_o of_o my_o condition_n than_o indeed_o it_o be_v but_o that_o he_o will_v please_v thorough_o to_o discover_v my_o condition_n and_o heart_n to_o i_o and_o thus_o with_o some_o small_a hope_n yet_o mix_v with_o a_o great_a deal_n of_o fear_n i_o do_v that_o time_n partake_v of_o the_o ordinance_n the_o which_o i_o have_v no_o soon_o almost_o do_v but_o satan_n begin_v to_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o have_v now_o eat_v and_o drink_v my_o own_o damnation_n in_o receive_v that_o whereto_o i_o have_v no_o right_n through_o so_o many_o fear_n and_o doubt_n in_o my_o own_o spirit_n and_o that_o therefore_o now_o in_o stead_n of_o receive_v strength_n i_o shall_v be_v everyday_n more_o and_o more_o harden_v and_o have_v my_o damnation_n seal_v up_o to_o i_o instead_o of_o my_o salvation_n but_o pause_v here_o a_o while_n and_o consider_v that_o i_o have_v endeavour_v to_o do_v my_o duty_n according_a to_o my_o knowledge_n and_o power_n in_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n what_o my_o end_n aim_n desire_n and_o want_n be_v and_o according_a to_o my_o ability_n desire_v the_o lord_n to_o make_v it_o a_o strengthen_n and_o seal_v ordinance_n to_o i_o endeavour_v to_o satisfy_v myself_o with_o these_o and_o such_o like_a thought_n that_o my_o desire_n be_v to_o serve_v and_o walk_v with_o the_o lord_n though_o i_o can_v not_o do_v it_o thus_o i_o continue_v between_o hope_n and_o fear_n about_o a_o month_n space_n intend_v not_o to_o partake_v of_o the_o ordinance_n the_o next_o time_n fear_v myself_o not_o to_o be_v fit_a for_o it_o find_v my_o heart_n as_o i_o think_v in_o a_o very_a unfitting_a frame_n but_o manifest_v this_o intent_n to_o some_o friend_n they_o put_v i_o upon_o these_o thought_n that_o the_o way_n to_o be_v fit_a for_o duty_n or_o ordinance_n be_v not_o to_o neglect_v they_o as_o also_o rell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o be_v unfit_a for_o that_o ordinance_n i_o be_v as_o well_o unfit_a to_o live_v and_o therefore_o that_o be_v no_o just_a plea_n thus_o be_v trouble_v yet_o fear_v to_o omit_v it_o i_o again_o partake_v of_o it_o where_o the_o lord_n be_v please_v through_o the_o ministry_n of_o his_o word_n that_o day_n to_o hint_n out_o to_o i_o that_o among_o other_o there_o be_v two_o sort_n of_o man_n that_o may_v safe_o and_o comfortable_o partake_v of_o that_o ordinance_n as_o 1._o all_o those_o that_o have_v long_v desire_n after_o the_o lord_n jesus_n christ_n 2._o all_o doubt_v fear_v christian_n that_o come_v with_o doubt_n &_o fear_n to_o it_o it_o be_v ordain_v of_o god_n to_o be_v a_o strengthen_n seal_v ordinance_n etc._n etc._n which_o though_o it_o afford_v i_o some_o small_a refreshment_n for_o the_o present_a yet_o do_v it_o not_o abide_v but_o my_o trouble_n still_o continue_v yea_o increase_a be_v thereby_o unfit_a for_o any_o earthly_a employment_n and_o yet_o weary_a of_o duty_n read_v and_o write_v etc._n etc._n in_o which_o i_o spend_v my_o chief_a time_n yet_o thus_o go_v on_o in_o a_o road_n of_o duty_n and_o performance_n sometime_o find_v some_o affection_n and_o assistance_n and_o sometime_o not_o which_o when_o i_o do_v find_v in_o any_o measure_n oh_o how_o be_v my_o wretched_a heart_n ready_a to_o be_v puff_v up_o and_o rejoice_v in_o it_o and_o begin_v to_o think_v that_o now_o i_o have_v do_v somewhat_o and_o that_o sure_o now_o the_o lord_n will_v hear_v i_o but_o beginning_n to_o consider_v more_o serious_o what_o i_o have_v do_v indeed_o and_o how_o many_o wander_a thought_n and_o distraction_n have_v pass_v by_o i_o and_o that_o any_o wicked_a wretch_n in_o the_o world_n may_v do_v and_o do_v do_v as_o much_o as_o i_o and_o yet_o the_o lord_n never_o regard_v they_o i_o begin_v to_o be_v exceed_o trouble_v that_o such_o wicked_a thought_n shall_v arise_v in_o my_o heart_n imagine_v that_o it_o be_v just_a with_o the_o lord_n for_o these_o wicked_a thought_n to_o blast_v all_o my_o desire_n which_o i_o real_o conceive_v he_o do_v then_o consider_v that_o the_o prayer_n and_o all_o the_o duty_n of_o the_o wicked_a be_v abomination_n and_o thing_n
that_o his_o soul_n abhor_v and_o lie_v under_o the_o apprehension_n of_o myself_o as_o one_o cast_v off_o by_o god_n who_o he_o never_o regard_v have_v pour_v out_o my_o soul_n before_o he_o and_o beg_v a_o soft_a heart_n and_o a_o renew_a and_o change_v nature_n urge_v he_o often_o with_o that_o similitude_n of_o a_o child_n come_v to_o his_o father_n to_o beg_v bread_n mat._n 7._o 9_o 10_o 11._o or_o rather_o in_o my_o apprehension_n find_v my_o heart_n grow_v more_o hard_a and_o my_o affection_n more_o cold_a and_o lukewarm_a i_o lay_v under_o another_o temptation_n from_o satan_n that_o sure_o i_o be_v but_o a_o hypocrite_n in_o all_o that_o i_o do_v and_o therefore_o shall_v but_o heap_v up_o wrath_n against_o myself_o as_o in_o job_n 36._o 13._o and_o this_o be_v set_v home_o upon_o my_o spirit_n upon_o several_a ground_n as_o 1._o because_o as_o he_o tell_v i_o i_o do_v not_o so_o much_o aim_v at_o the_o glory_n of_o god_n as_o at_o that_o happy_a estate_n which_o be_v to_o be_v enjoy_v in_o heaven_n 2._o because_o i_o can_v not_o find_v my_o love_n work_v so_o strong_o towards_o god_n as_o towards_o myself_o desire_v to_o be_v free_v from_o the_o torment_n of_o hell_n which_o i_o conceive_v to_o be_v intolerable_a as_o also_o 3._o find_v sometime_o a_o kind_n of_o secret_a desire_n that_o some_o body_n may_v hear_v or_o know_v of_o my_o performance_n of_o duty_n etc._n etc._n though_o i_o never_o dare_v act_n in_o any_o measure_n so_o as_o that_o it_o may_v be_v discern_v but_o always_o strive_v to_o my_o utmost_a ability_n to_o conceal_v what_o ever_o possible_o i_o may_v yet_o find_v sometime_o some_o such_o desire_n of_o vain_a glory_n in_o my_o spirit_n that_o though_o i_o do_v do_v it_o thus_o private_o yet_o if_o it_o can_v have_v be_v know_v and_o not_o by_o my_o mean_n i_o think_v i_o can_v be_v content_a and_o this_o also_o lay_v as_o a_o heavy_a weight_n upon_o my_o spirit_n to_o think_v that_o there_o shall_v such_o wicked_a vain_a and_o sinful_a thought_n and_o desire_n be_v suggest_v to_o i_o or_o for_o anytime_n though_o never_o so_o small_a lodge_v within_o i_o jer._n 4._o 14._o which_o when_o i_o begin_v to_o consider_v sad_o of_o do_v but_o still_o renew_v and_o increase_v my_o trouble_n and_o fear_n be_v a_o discovery_n of_o the_o hypocrisy_n that_o be_v in_o my_o heart_n and_o for_o the_o most_o part_n of_o this_o my_o trouble_n i_o lay_v under_o such_o a_o sense_n of_o the_o wrath_n of_o god_n that_o i_o think_v that_o all_o i_o have_v and_o enjoy_v be_v curse_v to_o i_o often_o admire_v that_o every_o bit_n of_o bread_n i_o eat_v do_v not_o choke_v i_o or_o every_o creature_n do_v not_o put_v a_o end_n to_o my_o life_n often_o fear_v that_o the_o company_n i_o be_v in_o shall_v fare_v the_o worse_a for_o i_o in_o so_o much_o that_o if_o i_o go_v by_o water_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o conceive_v i_o may_v be_v a_o occasion_n of_o drown_v all_o those_o that_o be_v with_o i_o oh_o how_o desirous_a be_v my_o soul_n at_o this_o time_n of_o the_o help_n and_o counsel_n of_o my_o godly_a wise_a friend_n and_o christian_n but_o through_o many_o and_o sundry_a temptation_n still_o deprive_v myself_o of_o it_o and_o of_o the_o benefit_n i_o may_v have_v gain_v by_o it_o through_o my_o wicked_a silence_n in_o all_o company_n and_o loathness_n to_o impart_v my_o condition_n to_o any_o sometime_o my_o wicked_a corrupt_a heart_n will_v base_o suggest_v to_o i_o that_o i_o be_v not_o able_a to_o discourse_v or_o speak_v of_o any_o spiritual_a thing_n and_o therefore_o i_o shall_v but_o only_o thereby_o discover_v my_o own_o ignorance_n and_o no_o way_n advantage_v myself_o etc._n etc._n which_o when_o i_o be_v enable_v still_o to_o consider_v better_o of_o recollect_v my_o thought_n and_o call_v they_o into_o question_n as_o it_o be_v then_o come_v the_o devil_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o this_o do_v but_o note_v my_o hypocrisy_n and_o far_o when_o i_o have_v be_v trouble_v with_o it_o to_o think_v that_o i_o shall_v give_v way_n to_o such_o wicked_a thought_n as_o these_o then_o come_v in_o satan_n again_o on_o the_o other_o side_n and_o tell_v i_o that_o if_o i_o shall_v put_v myself_o forward_o in_o any_o discourse_n i_o shall_v but_o thereby_o cause_v other_o to_o have_v a_o better_a opinion_n of_o i_o than_o indeed_o i_o deserve_v and_o so_o deceive_v other_o and_o delude_v my_o own_o soul_n and_o this_o latter_a temptation_n be_v that_o which_o indeed_o do_v often_o prevail_v with_o i_o be_v ever_o most_o of_o all_o prone_a to_o fear_v the_o delusion_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n and_o so_o esteem_v my_o condition_n to_o be_v better_a than_o it_o be_v this_o go_v on_o in_o this_o way_n of_o wicked_a silence_n make_v many_o of_o my_o christian_a friend_n i_o do_v real_o believe_v not_o know_v what_o to_o think_v of_o i_o but_o be_v as_o it_o be_v estrange_v from_o i_o which_o i_o soon_o perceive_v it_o be_v a_o most_o heavy_a affliction_n to_o i_o &_o such_o as_o the_o searcher_n of_o heart_n know_v lay_v very_o sad_o upon_o my_o spirit_n which_o yet_o i_o can_v not_o in_o any_o measure_n make_v know_v to_o they_o but_o between_o god_n and_o my_o own_o soul_n condole_v this_o my_o miserable_a condition_n then_o be_v to_o remove_v out_o of_o london_n which_o be_v a_o exceed_a trouble_n to_o i_o to_o consider_v how_o we_o shall_v by_o it_o be_v deprive_v of_o those_o mean_n which_o we_o there_o may_v enjoy_v although_o indeed_o neither_o my_o father_n mother_n or_o myself_o can_v enjoy_v our_o health_n there_o and_o remove_v into_o the_o country_n about_o the_o year_n 1647._o i_o find_v the_o ministry_n under_o which_o i_o then_o be_v exceed_o dead_a and_o spiritless_a then_o when_o i_o come_v home_o i_o think_v i_o know_v as_o much_o and_o no_o more_o to_o my_o edification_n in_o that_o condition_n i_o be_v in_o than_o i_o do_v when_o i_o go_v the_o subject_n which_o be_v then_o and_o for_o a_o long_a time_n together_o treat_v on_o be_v that_o scripture_n gen._n 2._o 7._o the_o lord_n breathe_v into_o man_n the_o breath_n of_o life_n and_o man_n become_v a_o live_a soul_n the_o main_a scope_n of_o the_o minister_n be_v to_o show_v what_o the_o natural_a soul_n be_v that_o god_n have_v put_v into_o man_n handle_v it_o as_o i_o conceive_v more_o like_a a_o philosopher_n than_o a_o gospel-preacher_n which_o notional_a thing_n be_v not_o those_o which_o can_v satisfy_v my_o soul_n which_o want_v now_o some_o support_n from_o heaven_n in_o this_o sad_a droop_a condition_n i_o be_v in_o but_o meet_v with_o nothing_o suitable_a to_o my_o present_a estate_n and_o be_v here_o cast_v in_o a_o place_n where_o i_o be_v deprive_v of_o all_o other_o mean_n i_o grow_v still_o into_o a_o more_o sad_a condition_n every_o day_n then_o do_v i_o lie_v under_o a_o very_a sad_a and_o strange_a temptation_n to_o neglect_v the_o ordinance_n of_o preach_v which_o be_v ground_v upon_o the_o pretence_n that_o i_o may_v improve_v my_o time_n at_o home_n to_o my_o more_o spiritual_a advantage_n which_o temptation_n i_o often_o yield_v to_o and_o when_o i_o have_v any_o opportunity_n or_o seem_a excuse_n by_o reason_n of_o any_o small_a bodily_a distemper_n either_o the_o headache_n or_o the_o like_a i_o still_o take_v those_o occasion_n to_o stay_v at_o home_n and_o so_o yield_v to_o the_o temptation_n and_o thus_o i_o do_v often_o but_o when_o i_o come_v still_o at_o night_n to_o a_o review_n of_o what_o i_o have_v do_v and_o how_o i_o have_v spend_v my_o time_n in_o each_o of_o these_o day_n as_o also_o what_o i_o have_v gain_v i_o find_v it_o to_o be_v so_o little_a through_o one_o temptation_n or_o other_o that_o i_o now_o begin_v to_o conceive_v and_o fear_v that_o it_o be_v only_o a_o temptation_n of_o the_o devil_n to_o bring_v i_o out_o of_o love_n with_o the_o ordinance_n of_o god_n whereupon_o the_o lord_n also_o enable_v i_o to_o begin_v to_o take_v a_o view_n of_o my_o own_o heart_n endeavour_v to_o persuade_v myself_o that_o the_o fault_n be_v only_o in_o i_o and_o that_o sure_o i_o be_v some_o way_n or_o other_o prejudice_v against_o the_o man_n or_o his_o preach_n not_o look_v as_o i_o ought_v to_o the_o power_n of_o god_n which_o be_v able_a to_o bless_v that_o mean_n to_o i_o that_o he_o have_v now_o cast_v i_o under_o contrary_a to_o my_o desire_n and_o that_o it_o be_v therefore_o just_a with_o god_n to_o let_v it_o be_v to_o i_o according_a to_o my_o unbeleef_n whereupon_o i_o begin_v again_o to_o examine_v my_o own_o heart_n whether_o or_o no_o i_o have_v any_o kind_n of_o prejudice_n against_o the_o man_n which_o