her weakness by Asthma and Feaver increasing and prevailing upon her she had some Disturbance by Temptations from Satan that grand Adversary of Souls to question her right to Happiness c. and whether God would accept so vile a Wretch Yet blessed be the Lord through Faith and Prayer and the never-failing Mercies of a Good God she got over all baffled Satan and was filled with unspeakable Joy in the Holy Ghost The Doctor prayed with her and afterward she her self prayed a considerable time distinctly and aloud and for her then Comfort and Support many Passages of Sermons she had heard especially some from Mr. Coates on that Text Come unto me all ye that labour c. came fresh in her Memory which the Lord helped her to improve to the great Comfort and Refreshment of her Soul She was now full of Heavenly Thoughts and from the abundance of her Heart her Mouth was now speaking c. She uttered nothing but what was savoury religious and serious and being spent by great Weakness went triumphantly to Heaven upon the 29th of May 1686. The Doctor told me it was the comfortablest Night that ever he enjoyed in all his Life Here at Leicester worthy Mr. Clarke the Nonconformist waited my coming that he might accompany me to Ollercarr which he did and the Lord made him mighty useful by his Christian advice to me June 3. I got home where I found a most sad and disconsolate Family I that needed others to comfort me was fain to be their Comforter June 5 1686. This Day my Diary manifests that I was grown more calm under the Lord 's mighty Hand and the loss of a Dearest Wife but yet too full of miserable Complaints and quarrelling Thoughts against my Maker the Lord forgive me and compose me for the Duties of the Sabbath following June 6. This Day was a very comfortable Sabbath with reference to my Enjoyments but the want of my Dear Wife occasioned Floods of Tears and violent Passions the Lord pardon my tumultuous Thoughts and in the Multitude of my Thoughts within me let his Comforts more refresh my Spirit June 7. This Day my Dear Wife was Interr'd at Crich where if the Lord please so to order it I desire and intend to lie by her the Lord pardon Sins while I had her and such as I have been most guilty of since I parted with her June 8. This Day through Mercy not much quarrelling with the Lord's Dispensations more calm than I was O that I could be dumb with Silence and not open my Mouth in a fretting and repining way because the Lord has done what 's done unto me the Lord sanctify this sad Breach upon me to my Soul's Good May I remember my Sins that have provoked God and be humbled for them and return to the Lord that smiteth June 9. This Day I find my Heart better fitted and framed to bear this sad Stroke This Day was preach'd by Mr. Coats my Dear Wife's Funeral-Sermon from these words 1 Thess 4. 13. But I would not have you to be ignorant Brethren concerning them which are asleep that ye sorrow not even as others which have no hope Passion in the Sermon I was guilty of when in the Commondatory Part he was shewing what a Wife she was the Lord pardon my unbecoming Carriage to her Several days after I gave account of the Lord 's quieting my Mind under the sad Loss sustain'd June 20. This was a very comfortable Sabbath and the Lord gave me great Delight under the Droppings of the Sanctuary Mr. Coats preach'd from these words Hear the Rod and who hath appointed it O! I would fain make application to my self O that I could hear the Voice of this sad Providence and take out the Lessons of this Rod O that I may carry my self like a Christian under this mighty Hand of God! I have cause to fear I did not improve Last-Summer's Mercies as I ought and God has made this a much more uncomfortable Summer O that as ever I desire the Lord should not go on in this way I may better improve this Dispensation Several Letters I receiv'd from Friends heartily sympathizing with me in my Trouble take the Copies of some of them as follows A Letter from Mr. J. R. dated June 4 1686. Dear Sir BY a Letter I received Yesterday from Mr. Coats I perceive the Letters I sent you in Town on Monday Night were like Job's Messengers one bringing you sad the other sadder News but I hope you receiv'd the News with Job's Temper or mind viz. The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away blessed be the Name of the Lord and God hath taken away the Delight of your Eyes and removed her out of sight she is in a state of Rest and you must behold her no more among the Inhabitants of the World this must needs be a pressing Affliction to lose so near so dear and so pious a Companion and that which aggravates the Affliction is that she was taken away in your Absence so suddenly and so unexpectedly But Dear Sir though God has crost your Will herein yet I hope a Tumult doth not arise your Passions and Affections are not in an uproar Why shall not God take away his own in his own time way and manner But Sir I am not to teach you God has rarely qualified you with the Graces of his Holy Spirit so that you know how to receive and how to resign a Mercy you know how to add to Faith Patience as you lately heard There is an animal Life of a Soul void of Grace accommodating it self to the Interests of the Flesh to all such things as are grateful to Sense but then there is a Spiritual Life which is a Principle enabling a Soul to bear up when God takes away our greatest Comforts such a Principle there is in you All I have to do is to sympathize with you and to pray that God would afford you more of the Assistances of his Holy Spirit that you may exert that Principle now at this time under this Loss The truth is 't is one of the most lovely Sights in the World to see a Christian acting Faith Patience Humility Submission Resignation c. in times of Affliction this makes the World say that there is something more in Religion than Talk but as I said I am not to teach you You have the teachings of the Spirit which will enable you to improve this Loss to better Gains The Lord sit us all for our last and great Change and in the midst of our private Losses let 's remember the Afflictions of Sion now sitting in the Dust So prays Your Sympathizing Friend and Humble Servant J. R. I hope you will return up again after some Days I think it will be convenient to divert your self with your Friends here some time after you have performed the last Office of Love to your Yoak-Fellow c. A Copy of a Letter from Cos M. S. dated
there was a Conventicle that Night there were so many Dissenters about the Fire How reproachfully so ever these might speak I believe Mr. Mayor then Parker at Hencross was more serious when he told me the Town of Nottingham was much beholden to our Conventicle for the timely stopping of those Flames 12. The 3d of December 1685. this Night through extraordinary Drowsiness at Family-Prayer I slep'd 2 or 3 times and awaking again did not use the best means I could and should of standing up to prevent the Drowsiness I hop'd might go off without it Upon which being dropt again asleep to my Apprehensions something gave me a great Blow upon the Middle of my Back which presently awaked me in a Fright which I did really feel paining me some Minutes after I was awaken I have purpos'd upon it and hope through Grace to perform it to be always more watchful for the future against such a Sin This brings to my Mind another Providence of like nature My eldest Brother being to repeat a Lecture-Sermon one Night in my Father's Family I being then very young and not liking that Work cry'd to go to Bed and to have my Brother with me in which after some repulse I was gratifi'd in my Desire to our Chamber we went and into Bed I got but before I could drop asleep I felt the bottom of the Bed-clothes lift up where presently something pull'd me by the Toe but nothing there was to be seen this affrighted me exceedingly and though young I could conclude it a Rebuke to me for hindring that pious Exercise of Repetition and durst never do it after Some good Sayings of good Men I find collected in my Diary out of Sermons I have heard viz. 1. THere 's few if any whose Joys in a comfortable Communion with God are not sometimes clouded with Sorrow 2. Where the Minister's Work ends there the Hearer's begins 3. It shows but little Love to God in Duty when we come with Unwillingness stay with Weariness and go away with Gladness 4. A Man may be fat in Gifts yet lean in Grace 5. In the want of all things we may taste and see how sweet the Lord is 6. It 's comfortable Musick to hear the Bird in the Breast singing whatever we suffer for it 7. That Repentance is seldom true-hearted that is gray-headed 8. Let our Thirst to worldly things be cold to heavenly things inflamed 9. It 's easy for Men to fly from Duty but impossible to avoid their Account 10. Accustom thy self to Duty but do not Duties customarily 11. Entertain none in your Houses that shut God out of their Hearts 12. Associate not your selves with those as Friends that are God's Enemies 13. They cannot be true to Men that are false to God 14. Dare not to decline Duty to preserve Liberty 15. Let the present Day 's Practice be still the Mending of the past Day 's Errors 16. I fear my Duties more than my Sins Duties lift me up but my Sins humble me 17. It 's well if Rome's Reliques amongst us do not keep Possession for Popery 18. Give not way to sleep any Night till thou hast particularly inquired into thy Carriage the Day past 19. Family-Passions cloud Faith disturb Duty and darken Comforts 20. He never wants Comfort that lives content 21. That Man never wants his own Will that makes God's Will his 22. They need not drink of another's Bucket that have the Fountain nor use Stilts and Crutches that have Spiritual Strength 23. Let Parents and Governours by their Examples endeavour to influence Children and Servants into a good Practice 24. Sanctified Troubles are Tokens of special Love 25. If your Houses be not Nurseries for Heaven they 'l be breeding Places for Hell 26. Whatever Evil we would reprove in another we must be doubly watchful against it our selves 27. Early beginnings in Goodness makes an easy Death-Bed 28. Put not that of to last that cannot be done too soon 29. We have no more to live upon to Eternity than what we lay up in Time 30. It 's better to be reproached for being too soon than damned for being too late in Heaven's ways 31. Good Families make good Churches and good Education good Families 32. The contented Man is never poor let him have never so little and the discontented Man never rich let him have never so much 33. There are two Jubilees kept in Heaven one at the Conversion of a Sinner on Earth the other at his Glorification in Heaven 34. Bad Times to live in are good Times to die in 35. Afflictions are hard Meat but Patience a good Digester 36. The best Trial of our Spiritual Estate is by the tenure of our Actions not by this or that particular Action 37. Though a sincere Christian will not overtake a Sin yet the most sincere may be overtaken with a Sin 38. Sad Conclusions might be drawn against eminent Saints if some particular Actions were a Rule to judge by 39. It 's good to be as charitable to others as ordinarily we are partial to our selves 40. The best of Saints would never arrive at Assurance if it did not consist with many Imperfections 41. A sanctified Cross hath more of Mercy in it than an unsanctified Comfort 42. The Company a Man keeps is a Commentary upon his Life 43. Persecuted Godliness is far more eligible than prosperous Prophaneness 44. It 's the very Nature of true Faith to make future Things present 45. It 's very difficult for one to be angry and not sin and very dangerous to sin in being angry 46. It 's good Scripture-Logick to draw Conclusions of Confidence from Premises of Experience 47. The poorest in the World has more than he had when he came into the World and more than he can carry out when he leaves the World 48. Duties rested in as well as Sins unrepented of are dangerous 49. If Mercy be not a Load-stone to draw us nearer to God it will be a Mill-stone to sink us deeper into Hell 50. It 's sad to lose good Men in the best Times but looks like a Judgment to lose them in the worst The Surviving Advice of a Deceased Husband to a Surviving Wife Or a Call from the Dead to the Living Written January the 30th 168 and intended for my Dear Wife's Perusal if it shall please the Lord She survive Me. Note This was written some time before the Death of his former Wife Dearest on Earth I Having of some late Months been imploy'd in setting not only my Heart which I accounted my greatest Work but my House in order which I judged likewise absolutely necessary in order to my great Change I could not but leave a few Lines of Advice to thee my best Friend on Earth which whilst I live I hope to follow with my Prayers to the great God and our heavenly Father for his Blessing upon This I was the rather induced to do now when through Mercy in perfect Health that I might
hath done great Things for us of which we are glad O that we would put on all the Strength we have and put it forth and go to God for more and be exalted in our Desires and Zeal and Endeavours and do to our utmost for God O that all those who name the Name of Christ would part from Iniquity and labour to stand compleat in the Will of God filling up their Days and Places and Relations with Duty and leading such unblameable and exemplary Lives as may condemn the wicked World and be expressive of God and shew forth the Vertues of him that hath called them out of Darkness into his marvellous Light O that I could see the Church the Lamb's Wife in her Bravery in her Garments of wrought Gold as a Bride made ready for her Husband and so the Beauty of the Lord our God upon all those who own themselves his Children begotten to him by the Gospel Reader The worthy Author of this small Piece which is noâ— put into thine Hands by an Hand of Love was one of mine intimate Acquaintance a Gentleman yea and more than so a Godly Man a Man in Christ of a Worshipful Family and which is yet more of the Houshold of Faith one that could fetch hiâ— Pedigrâ—â— from Heaven and call God Father He had a good Temporal Estate the Câ—…ouâ—s of this Life having been boâ—…fully dealâ—â—ut to him but he did not take up with them nor value himself by them for he was rich toward God rich in Faith and good Works After many Troubles which he met with divers tosses and tumblings which disturbed that sweet Repose he otherwise would gladly have taken he did by the good Hand of God upon him fix in this City where he had a comfortable enjoyment of himself sitting with great delight under the refreshing Shadow of his dearest Lord in the most precious Ordinances of the Gospel It pleased God after a considerable time to direct and incline his Heart to join himself to that Flock of Christ over which the Holy Ghost hath made me Overseer In which he was very eminent for his constant Attendance and serious Attention and great Affection He took the Sermons deliver'd verbatim read them to his Wife and Family when he came home and several of them he wrote out in a very fair Hand that he might leave them behind him for the benefit of others He was an humble and holy Christian no Busy-body not captious nor quarrelsom a Companion of all those that feared God for in them was all his Delight as the Excellent Ones of the Earth Most willing to condescend to and be familiar with Persons of low Degree not valuing any so much by what they had of the World as by the Relation in which they stood to Christ and by the Spirit Grace and Disposition of Christ which discover'd it self in them He was no Fashion-monger Genteel but not Gaudy Neat but Modest and Sober so adorning himself as that he might adorn the Doctrine of his God and Saviour putting on Christ and Mercy and Bowels and over all Humility that was the upper Garment through which the rest were seen being immovably resolved to keep the Commandments of God He bid Evil-doers depart from him and was a Companion of them that would walk with him in the Way everlasting They and none but they were the Men of his Choice When our publick Liberty was by our good God graciously given us after very long and furious Storms had been upon us he soon made choice of me for his Pastor and that Flock of Christ which I am appointed to water and lead into green Pastures and by the still Waters he did as I said before choose to walk in a Holy Communion with And with them he continued until the Great God in whose Hand our Times are was pleased to remove him to the Church Triumphant in Heaven During all that Time he was very exemplary to others and no less pleasant to me I being desired one Day to preach the Morning-Lecture in Southwark he would needs accompany me We together crossed the Water and either going or returning he got Cold which was obstinate and kindled in him a Feaver and that Feaver consumed him his little Oil spent aspace and the Lamp of his precious and much desired Life was soon extinguished But O how did he shine and glorify God in that Fire How sweetly did he carry toward him without any Quarrelling or the least spice of Discontent I heard not the least word that spake a Dislike of the Providence No no his Spirit was as it ought to be submitted to the Divine Will and he at God's disposal ready to die for Preparation had been his Work and willing to die for that would be his Advantage His submissive Resignation to the Holy Will of God herein see in the Record he left in his Diary in the beginning of his Sickness thus March 10 Through Mercy this Day much better with me than my Desert tho I find my self somewhat indispos'd by Cold full of Aches and Pains and Chilliness and sore Eyes the Lord if it be his Will heal me this Night or grant a Preparedness for his Pleasure and that as the outward Man decays the inward Man may be renewed day by day The Lord pardon my Sin and accept of Praise for all Mercies And the Night following which was the last he writ in his Diary he recorded it thus March 21. This Day some Distemper seems to hang upon me thô not worse blessed be God than last Night The Lord in Mercy heal me and recover me or fit me for thy Pleasure The good Lord fit me for the approaching Sabbath and make it a good Day to my Soul for Christ's Sake Pardon my Sin and take Praise And God was exceeding gracious to him for he chained up Satan so that he could not throw one fiery Dart at him and he enabled Conscience to bear its Testimony to his filial State and having led his Conversation in the World in Simplicity and godly Sincerity not with fleshly Wisdom but by the Grace of God and also he lifted upon him the Light of his Countenance shed abroad his Love in his Heart by the Holy Ghost which had been given him and furnished him with such an Anchor of Hope as was fixed within the Vail and both sure and stedfast And all this being done for him it was not in the power of the King of Terrors to affright him but in his nearest Approaches he could look him in the Face without any Discomposure and not only triumph over him as a baffled and conquer'd Enemy whose Teeth were broken and Sting lost but likewise bid him welcome as a Messenger sent by his Father to do him a real Kindness And knowing whom he had believed he could with Joy breath out his Last and take his Flight to the unseen World where as he was sure his dearest Lord had taken up his own Rest at
sometimes for the hiding one Fault from Man committed many Sins against God Another Thing for which the Lord has humbled me since and shewed me the evil of tho then I could not see it was this My Master being by Covenant bound to find me with Meat Drink Clothes and other Necessaries at his own Charge I finding him pretty penurious however not suiting my proud Humour I did often furnish my self with some such Things at my own Charge out of that Money my Friends sent me Yet now and then tho very rarely and never I believe exceeded 40s in all I would pay for some such Necessaries out of the Shop-Box which being yet done in so clandestine a manner I have accounted highly sinful and blessed be God has cost me many a Tear tho since one way or other I believe I have made more than double Restitution Another Dreadful Sin I was in that Service Guilty of the Review of which has been grievous to me was this I did not content my self to sin alone but did draw on and encourage John Mildmay my Fellow-Apprentice and under me to sin with me And this I did so long that he at last which was but a just Judgment became the greatest Tempter to me by this God has shewed me my Sin in my Punishment But O the sad Sabbaths that we have too often kept sometimes having waited on our Master into Church at one Door we have got out at the other And thus for some Hours have wickedly trifled away precious Sabbath-time by walking about from place to place for Pleasure sometimes we have appointed Meetings at Ale-Houses on Week-days where most idly we wasted our Master's time and our own Money Once I remember at such a House where we were perfect Strangers knocking 2 or 3 times for a Reckoning no Body came at us says John Mildmay let 's be gone and save our Money with all my heart says my wicked Tongue inclin'd thereto by a worse Heart But we had not got half a Mile before my Conscience flew in my Face for that Wickedness so that at my Request we went back and paid all Thus sinfully did we too often waste our precious Time in Ale-Houses and sometimes in worse Houses Twice I think we went to Syder-Houses which proved Bawdy-Houses which yet we did not decline some of our wicked Comrades having taught us which the Devil set home to silence Conscience that it was a good Way sometimes to frequent such Houses and to associate with such Company the better to work in us an Abhorrence and Antipathy against the Practices and Sins of such places This plausible Pretence guilded Bait and wicked Notion was too readily espoused by us young Men tho old Sinners this serv'd to stop the Mouth of Conscience a while till the Lord pleased to awaken it And then I saw desperate Folly in committing Sin to prevent Sin and thought of those Texts You may not do Evil that Good may come of it and if Sinners intice thee consent not And of the wise Man's Counsel Prov. 7. speaking of the Harlot O let not thine Heart decline to her Ways go not astray in her Paths Come not nigh her Dwelling for she hath cast down many wounded her House is the way to Hell going down to the Chambers of Death c. By unbecoming Dalliances Glances and Carriages with young Women Relations and others in which I thought in younger Years there was no Evil I fear I too often broke the 7th Command for tho never blessed be God guilty either of Adultery or Fornication yet since I have learn'd to know that there 's more forbidden by that Command than is express'd and that every unchaste Thought Word and Action is a breach of it the review of such youthful Follics has been dreadful to me since God touch'd my Heart and gave me Grace to consider Some Sins whilst a Child that I omitted before to mention were such as these Playing Truant frequently when I should have been at School and the better to colour over and hide such Miscarriages I seldom stuck at telling a Lie Thus I added Sin to Sin as indeed Sin seldom goes alone I have too often experienced it that one Sin draws on to another David's Sin with Bathsheba had others accompanying it his first Sin was Idleness his second Uncleanness and then the Murder of Vriah her Husband I was also guilty of robbing Orchards pilfering and taking what has not been my own from my Brothers and Sisters and Father Foolish Jesting idle Talking slighting holy Duties profaning Sabbaths Disobedience to Parents and indeed what not I had so base a Nature and so wicked a Heart even then when I could do but little more than go that I boggled at almost no Sin that such Age inclin'd to These and such like Sins of Youth made sad work for Repentance in Riper Years it was long before but blessed be God at last I set my Sins in order before me with all their aggravating Circumstances Then I thought of the Love and Light the Means and Mercies the Vows and Promises the Exhortations and Examples the Reproofs and the good Education I had sinned against Whilst I was a Servant at Mr. Oglethorps I was under good Family-Discipline I had opportunity to attend upon the best Means had good Examples before me was examined on Lord's-Day-Nights what I remembred but alas was too long a Trifler under all which I have been much more sensible of and afflicted for since I left my Apprenticeship than before It pleased God there to begin a Work of Grace which notwithstanding too many sad Slips I believe and hope he has been carrying on ever since There it was the Lord first enabled me to set my Face Heavenwards and to engage me in serious Thoughts about the eternal Welfare of my immortal Soul most remarkably observed upon a Fit of Sickness the Lord was pleased there to visit me with in a very few Days I was brought very low in Body begun to be serious to think of my Ways and of turning to the Lord Psal 119. 59. was then full of Purposes and Promises too that if the Lord pleased to spare me I would through Grace mind Religion as my Business and follow the Lord fully God was pleas'd to hear my unworthy Prayers and to speed an Answer of Peace to me in a Day or two I was perfectly recovered and my Body being healed of Sickness I begg'd hard that my Soul also might be healed of Sin The Lord did wonderfully bless to me the Ministry of Mr. Brooks of whose Church my Master was a Member and I therefore frequently had the advantage of hearing him But especially the Lord was pleas'd to do my Soul good by setting home with power upon my Heart and Conscience some Sermons of worthy Mr. Flavel sen r. whom I must reckon my spiritual Father but those Sermons with many others to my very great loss now were consumed by London's
have no Worldly Affair unsetled to disturb and distract my Mind withal when upon the very Confines of another World and lying upon a Sick-Bed or Death-Bed when I desire God may have all my Thoughts and all my Time and would fain be most serious and intent upon Soul-Concerns This little Treatise in three Parts containing the most remarkable Passages of my Life that occurr'd to Memory and collected out of my Diary written in Short-hand as a last Legacy I heartily commend to thy perusal and other Friends that survive me In it I have endeavoured impartially to God's Glory to give the darker Side of a vile Wretch on Earth as well as the brighter I was long thou seest a Wanderer from God and in a most bewildred Condition on that account I knew not where to rest till I anchor'd on the Rock of Ages had no true Peace till through Mercy I clos'd with Christ the Prince of Peace Conscience then often spoke when it was not heard and flew in my Face when my Study too much was to check stifle and hush it I was then a Terror to my self and perhaps to others about me especially observing Christian Friends who fain would but then could not prevail with me to be serious strict and good I was too long God knows in the Gall of Bitterness and in the Bonds of Iniquity and O what rich Mercy was it I was not then taken from Earth and thrown into Hell that through Grace I did out-live the Years of a loose carnal freshly and unregenerate State O my Dear I cannot express the Sorrows the Terrors the Heart-break and Trouble that my youthful Follies cost me in Riper-years My Closet was witness to something and my God to more but alas all too little if Free-Grace save me not I must yet perish but of this I nothing doubt through the Merits and Mediation of my blessed Redeemer to whom I hope in Heaven to Eternity to give the Glory of what he has been pleased to give me the comfort of The Lord has fully convinc'd me that all my Prayers and Tears my Searchings and Watchings can nothing avail me without Christ God shew'd me my lost and undone Condition before I had thought of enquiring what I must do to be sav'd or of looking out after a Saviour And this through Mercy I can say that I could never have truly a quiet Minute till I was most sweetly perswaded and powerfully enabled to close with Christ as offered in the Gospel O Rich-Grace Free-Grace And now Dear-heart let me invite thee into the Embraces of blessed Jesus Come taste and try how good God is to returning Sinners I believe thou hast Well be more and more in love with Christ enter into Covenant with God and frequently renew thy Covenant-Engagements and labour to perform Covenant-Promises never think thou can'st do enough for that God thou expectest so much from nay indeed thy all that can either make thee happy here or to Eternity Some few Heads of Advice out of tender Love both to thy Soul and Body I leave with thee 1. SEttle thy Temporal Affairs and Wordly Concerns betimes that upon a Death-bed thou maist not be distracted and diverted with them from higher and more besitting Employment I delay'd making my Will too long which was no small Perplexity to my Mind till the Year 1685 when I did it 2. If thou can'st think me worthy thy Remembrance forget not shewing some Kindness to such Relations and Friends of mine who I need not name being known to thee who are Objects of Pity and need thy Charity 3. If thou do'st not incline to a Settlement in Nottingham in the House I leave thee for thy Life then be with or as near as may be some of thy Religious Friends such as may be Helpers and Promoters not Hinderers of thy eternal Welfare 4. If the Lord should again incline thee to marry dare not to join thy self in that Relation to any that is not join'd to the Lord marry one I say who in the judgment of the best of Friends as well as thine own which may in such a case deceive thee do's truly fear God nay I would advise thee to marry one of a healthful strong and sound Constitution by whom if the Lord please thou may'st have the Blessing of Children for I have reason to suppose that some Weaknesses and Infirmities whilst a Child and Young might render me less capable in that respect 5. If thou shouldest have Children train them up in the fear of the Lord help to fill Heaven with thy Off-spring 6. Having marry'd own thy Husband as thy Head submit to the Duties of a Wife for the Lord's Sake labour and pray for a meek and quiet frame of Spirit which is in the sight of the Lord of great price 7. Have some eye over and inspection into the Behaviour and Conversations of those I were some-time intrusted as Guardian for Jog and quicken Loyterers Heaven-wards mind them of their Education Counsels and Instructions and how hopeful their Beginnings were and especially regard our Child and dear Niece Brain 8. Be much in Reading and Studying good Books these I commend to thee especially viz. The Holy Bible with Pool's Annotations Swinnock's One Cast for Eternity Barrett's Christian Temper Heywood's Heart-Treasure Reyner's Precepts Dunton's Heavenly Pastime Case's God's waiting to be gracious Flavel's Fountain of Life Bolton's Tost Ship R. Allen's Rebuke to Back-sliders Janeway's Heaven upon Earth Swinnock's Regeneration Love on Heaven's Glory c. Flavel's Saint indeed Steel of Vprightness Calamy's Godly Man's Ark Hooker's doubting Soul c. Hardcastle's Christian Geography Watson on Contentment Mede's almost Christian Doolittle on the Sacrament His Call to delaying Sinners most of Bunyan's Works very useful if read without Prejudice These Books amongst others I have had much Refreshment from and heartily commend them to thee 9. Do all thou dost either in Religious or Civil Actions with an eye at Eternity thus pray and hear and read and meditate and converse and engage in all secular Affairs and discharge all relative Duties with an eye at Eternity and this will help to make thee very serious and strict 10. Spend thy Week-days well in the discharge of Duties publick and private keep an exact Diary of any sinful Miscarriages and be humbled every Evening for them take notice of God's Mercies every day and labour to have thy Heart sutably affected with the Lord's Goodness observe and pen down God's Dealings with thee and thy Carriage and Behaviour towards God this the Lord has enabled me to practise with good Success 11. Esteem of sabhath-Sabhath-Days as the best of Days these are the market-Market-Days of thy Soul make good Provision on them for it hear the Word meditate on it digest and practise it neglect no Duties of the Day in private but most highly value Publick-Assemblies God being by them most honoured 12. Redeem Time I can from my own Experience tell thee a Review in
me I am out of Hell I am out of a Prison I am not as lately flying before pursuing Enemies nor absenting my self for Security from my own House I am not made a Prey to Enemies but the Lord has dealt bountifully with me What shall I render unto the Lord Some following Days after I took notice of sinful Thoughts idle Words unbecoming Actions and of the Lord's Goodness in sparing Mercy Nov. 7. 1685. I bless God then for returning me in Safety from my Yorkshire Journey and that I saw my Friends with Comfort and found all well at my return home then I petitioned the Lord to continue Enjoyments to me and mine 8th This God made a comfortable Sabbath Mr. Coats preached excellently from this Text Remember now thy Creator c. the Lord do me and all that heard him good by his blessing upon that Ordinance and pardon Sin the Morning as soon as I awakened I was full of projecting carnal melancholy Thoughts O sad Thoughts for a Sabbath-Day God seal a Pardon to me 10th This Evening being Tuesday by 7 of the Clock I set apart some Hours for Humiliation that Night with the help of Mr. B. Mr. C. c. and about half an hour after 12 a Clock I ended in that Work in my Closet the Sins I bewailed particularly was my not keeping Covenant and Promise with my God Passion with my Wife Pride Slightness in Duties especially closet-Closet-Duties c. 15th I enjoy'd a most comfortable Sabbath by Mr. Coats's Help who preach'd from these words Remember now thy Creator c. and this Passage I took particular notice of That where Youth has been devoted to God reviews of it in old Age when Persons are less capacitated for Duty-Frames will afford sweet Comfort and Refreshing 22d This a comfortable Sabbath God bless it to me Mr. Cl. preach'd from these words Ps 67. That God even our own God shall bless us The Doct. was It 's a most desirable thing for People to have a God of their own These Marks he laid down which I desire often to peruse and examine my self by by which I may know whether God be my God or no. 1. If I have a God of my own I get what Knowledg I can of my God 2. I get what Love I can to my God 3. I would be loth to do that which this my God may take ill 4. I would then serve no God but my own God and never fall down to Graven-Images 5. I would take nothing ill from my own God 6. I would love to think of him 7. I would love to be speaking of him 8. I could love to have my own God well spoken of 9. I would often send to him and hear from him 10. I desire nothing more than while i 'm absent from him that this God would visit me by his Spirit 11. I would not live always here but die to go to this my own God and to be with him for ever And these are the earnest Requests of my Soul Several Days together I find a comfortable Account both as to freedom from Sins and great Mercies But on the 28th I find Relapses into Sin and that which aggravates it much is I was just writing the Account of my Life And O what a Mercy it is God has given me not only space for but the Grace of Repentence Decemb. 12. Hitherto much the like Account the Lord has preserved my Liberty beyond expectation and prevented my entring into ensnaring Bonds 14th I took notice of Mercy shew'd my Wife in delivering her from most acute Pains in the Tooth-Acâ— Jan. 2. â—â—8â— I this Day returned from a great Journey in which the Lord wonderfully succeded me in all my Affairs and preserv'd me from all Dangeâ—… I experienc'd Mercy in the kind Reception the D. of N. gave me on Monday to his House whither I went to return him Thanks for his Civility to me He told me I came to him on a very proper Day being Innocents-Day for that he believed I was so in the Matters laid to my charge and that he had now done with me and should as Opportunity offer'd readily serve me in any thing He desired me to be kind to my Uncle L who had taken great pains on my behalf I gave him thereupon over and above other Kindness before Here 's now a return to Prayer God help me to improve so great Mercy Passages a little before the Death of my Dear Wife and about her Sickness and Death May 13 1686. I met with Stops as to my London Journey by Business and my Dear Wife's Illness for this very Day in the Morning she was ev'n spent with a Conghing-Fit I was called from Prayer in my Family found her very Ill but blessed be God soon grew better and told me I bless God I am now pretty well Now I was earnest with the Lord that he would enable me to observe the Hints of Providence in my being stopt several times and my way to London as it were hedged up May 17 1686. I set forward for London notwithstanding the Cross Providences I met with a great Change in the Weather divers times a Cold that I had upon me a grievous Fit of the Asthma my dear Wife had insomuch as I plainly observ'd Providence against me as to that Journey at that time but notwithstanding upon Encouragement from my Wife that if I must needs go this Summer which she rather desired I would not because of Souldiers being much upon the Road going to the Camp I had as good go now as any other time I did set forward and part with my dear Wife this Day but never saw her more The Lord knows my Carriage at London was too light and vain I wonder'd I heard nothing from Ollercarr waited a Fortnight for Letters and did my self write several but through their miscarriage and as the Lord pleased to order it I received four all of a day most of which brought me the sad Tidings of my dear Wife's Death which was aggravated greatly in that I had not heard of her Illness till I heard of her Death and all came in Letters to me at London at which time I had one under my Wife's Hand to acquaint me with her late Illness but that blessed be God she was better an Account of which here follows after I have given first an Account of mine just sending to the Post directed to her at that very instant when I received this that follows A Copy of my Letter the Last I ever writ or must write to my Dear Wife now I trust with God My Dearest I Am in great expectation of Nanny's coming up to London according to the Desire of my last which Business now only stays me in Town Thou canst not imagine how much I am concerned at thy silence or at least thy Letters Miscarriage I having not received one Letter from thee since I left thee this being I think the fourth that I have
Carriage to her was too high and peevish apprehending her too little submissive to me as a Husband and too ready to invade the Authority I thought my self to have a Right to here I might mistake but however by it see abundance of Pride and Corruption in my Nature the Good Lord humble me for that 6. My not discharging it may be all Marriage-Duties as I ought might provoke the Lord. 7. It may be I have done this in cumbring my self with so much worldly Business in bad times and when I had no need Now the Lord seems to knock me off from such Cumbers by taking from me her that was wonderfully assisting to me in them Present Thoughts I have had with reference to my Removal since the Death of my Wife as to a retired Life After my seeking God by Prayer about my Settlement the Encouragements for my continuing at Ollercarr were such as these 1. THE Lord's Providence bringing me to this Place more particularly manifest in my Diary in the first part of my Life and his giving me great Encouragement in my enjoying Gospel-Ordinances here without very much Interruption or Disturbance 2. The Favour and Respect he has been pleased to give me from the whole Neighbourhood 3. A Settlement by House-keeping Necessaries being concerned to take care of some whom I would provide for according to my Ability 4. My having a great Husbandry upon my Hands and eleven Years Lease of this Estate 5. The Capacity I am in of serving this Neighbourhood by the publick Opportunities the Lord has blest me with here Reasons and Encouragements for Removing from Ollercarr 1. THe Loss of my Dear Wife upon whose account at first I was chiefly induc'd to this Place but now very uncomfortable to me 2. The irregular Carriages and Behaviour of Servants in Family-Affairs and my Unfitness to manage and look after them 3. In regard that I have Encouragement enough that I may let this Land or else manage it with two or three faithful Servants in my Absence and it may be more to my advantage than now 4. The very great Unsetledness of Present-times and my Obnoxiousness to their Effects seems to call me to a more retired way of Living than here at Ollercarr 5. The Debts which at present I am in I am apprehensive can no better way be soon discharged which I much desire than by giving up House-keeping at least for some time 6. By a more retired way of Living I may have greater advantage for Self-Reflections and more time than here I can have for the Management of Soul-Concerns 7. The Cumbers of the World will ill sute me in my solitary and lonesome Condition when the Language of present Providence seems to call me off from these things 8. By giving up House for a time I shall have the advantage of Visiting Conversing with and serving some Relations that need Help and Assistance and I have been too much wanting to 9. Because my present Purpose after seeking the Lord in the case is but to leave my House here for the Winter half-year it being uncomfortable enough then 10. Mr. Coats and his Dear Consort whom I heartily love and honour need be no Losers by this Alteration they may here keep House take Tablers serve their Generation and live at as little charge I believe as any where else and if so then the great Objections I have against leaving this House will be removed and my leaving it encouraged and the Ordinances of God will still be kept up here to the Refreshment of this hungering Neighbourhood 11. I may the rather go upon this account that Mr. Coats the last Year had given me notice to remove from me The Author having gone so far by his own Hand in the Account of his Life to June 86 some farther Passages since that time to the time of his Death be pleased to take a view of in the Preface written by his Worthy and Reverend Pastor In which Place it was thought best to insert them rather than to interrupt what he had collected and recorded himself LETTERS A LETTER to a Relation inviting him to forsake Sin and to pursue Holiness April 1685. SIR COnsidering the ill use you have made of some former Advice given you I have not upon that account much encouragement to make further Attempts of that nature yet knowing that the Work of Convincing and Converting is the Lord's and that the Wind blows where and when it listeth I may not despair but some Good through the Blessing of the Almighty may yet be done upon you I do indeed purposely conceal my Name at present lest you should despise or slight the Advice upon the account of the Adviser whom you have too lavishly and unjustly reproached though I am confident I have deserved better Treatment at your hands But this is not the thing such Passages I can pass by yet sadly bewail them in you as knowing them to be some of the dismal Effects of your drunken Frolicks but remember for these and the like things God will bring you to Judgment I am not ignorant that many of those that wish you well have advis'd and reprov'd you again and again for your sinful Follies and would fain have you as well remember that terrible Threatning That he that being often reprov'd and hardens his Heart shall suddenly be destroy'd and that without Remedy Wherein you have injured me by your Tongue I can pass it by I would not return Slander for Slander nor answer Railing with Railing nor Reproach with Reproach I have not so learned Christ I can heartily pity you forgive you and pray for you and would now fain perswade you to be good and what can be more your Interest than to be so Come Sir if you have any respect to a dear and tender Wife that lies in your Bosom to a small Babe to indulgent Parents to well-wishing Friends to your own Soul Body or Estate but above all to the Commands of a great God you must be good make a stand consider and take up in time It 's my Love to you makes me thus plain with you for I dare not flatter Whatever you may think or however others may endeavour to palliate great Sins by giving them easy Names Sin will be called Sin and Wickedness Wickedness Drunkenness will be call'd Drunkenness and Sweating Swearing at the great-Great-day and punished as such and why not now Repentance is your Duty and that can never be right and evangelical without Reformation I do believe it is your desire to be eternally happy and can you expect it if you be not holy Without Holiness no one shall see the Lord Heb. 12. 14. Can you ever expect to get in at the Strait-gate while you walk in the Broad-way no Strait is the Gate and narrow the Way that leadeth unto Life and few there be that find it O that you may be one of those few Will you do the Devil's Work and expect the Lord's
which time I was afraid mine to you had miscarry'd I heartily rejoice at the Lord's Goodness to you and yours and through Mercy can give you the same Account concerning me and mine though a sickly Season in many Places We have through the Goodness of God of late enjoy'd very comfortable Opportunities at my House for which I desire to bless God But the last Meeting we had here being rather too large was disturb'd the Mayor having notice of Peoples coming in sent his Serjeant who when the People were disperst and the Minister gone came in and desired Liberty to search my House which I giving him he told me if upon my word I would say there was no Minister at my House he would neither trouble me nor himself I assured him there was none he then only went into the Garden where he pretended he saw 300 but however they not being able to make a Conventicle of it nor a Riot the Jury found it an unlawful Assembly the which they prosecute and I intend to traverse for they cannot make out any unlawful Act. The Day is yet dark and the Sufferings of many great and Sin at the bottom of all If the Hearts and Lives of Professors were better we should soon see better Times It 's repenting Work and reforming Work is our Duty O that we could see the Hand of God in all that befals us and turn to him that smiteth O that we could with Faith and Patience look up to the Rock of Ages when Foundations seem out of course c. A Copy of a Letter to Madam L. upon the Death of her Kinswoman and the Birth of her Child Honoured Madam I Did at the same time by the Pen of Mrs. Green receive the sad Tidings of the Death of your dear Kinswoman Mrs. M. and the joyful News of your safe Delivery from the Pains and Peril of Child-bearing the one I know would be afflicting enough to you the other I can assure you was welcom Tidings to me and a Mercy I hope and believe you will endeavour to improve towards your Support and Comfort and the Glory of the great Jehovah See dear Madam the Lord's Tenderness and Goodness to you in late Dispensations your Afflictions are mix'd and allay'd with Mercies You may experience what patient Job says The Lord gives and the Lord takes and I believe with him likewise you desire to bless his holy Name He has taken away your Kinswoman but he has given you a Child has taken away one that was very useful faithful and necessary to you and given you one who through his own Blessing upon a religious and pious Education you may comfortably hope he will make so Let not blubber'd Eyes for a Comfort lost prevent your chearful fruitful and thankful Notice of what remains pour not so much upon the dark-side of present Dispensations as to hinder your taking the Comfort of and heartily blessing God for the bright-side and Shinings of Mercy Dear Madam I am a hearty Sympathizer with you in your Trouble and desire to bear my part in blessing the Lord with you and for you with reference to Mercy show'd you You have now obtain'd a new Mercy from the Lord and I believe know well that new Duties are incumbent upon you c. A Letter to my Mother upon the Death of my Sister D. May 24 1690. Ever honoured Mother STill the Lord is pleased to make Breaches upon our Family the suddain and surprizing News of our dear Sister's Death came to us this Day by Mr. B. and I could not omit sending a few Lines to you by Post this Night I know Honoured Mother the Stroke lies exceeding heavy upon you I am afraid much too heavy being very well acquainted with the Tenderness of your Affections and the Workings of your Bowels to Relations But I pray dear Mother refuse not to be comforted I am perswaded you have no reason to sorrow as one without hope for her who I believe now sleeps in the Bosom of her and our dear Redeemer Our God has done his Pleasure let us now labour to do our Duty and be content We heartily wish our selves with you but can't as yet accomplish that Desire being unprovided of Horses and a Servant but as soon as may be we do purpose it The good Lord sanctify this Stroke to us all and â—it us for our latter End and grant that we may be Followers of those who through Faith and Patience inherit the Promises The Inclosed I desired may be sent to my poor afflicted Brother to whose Relief and Support I desire to contribute something Though Shortness of Time suffers not Enlargement farther than to present all our humble Duties to your self and honoured Aunt with Service to all Friends I rest Honoured Mother Your Obedient Son G. D. A Letter to Brother D. upon the Death of his Wife May 24 90. My Dear Brother I Heartily lament the sad Breach the Lord has been pleas'd to make upon you and am the more a Sympathizer with you as knowing by my own Experience what such a Stroke and Dispensation means The Lord has I know taken away the Delight and Desire of your Eyes this is your Misâ—ry but having taken her to himself let that be your Comfort he has snatch'd at a Stroke a Wife out of your Bosom which certainly is most grievous but has he not taken her into his own let this be your Support She was well provided for on Earth and had as much Satisfaction aâ— I believe any on account of a tender Husband sweet Children deaâ— Relations and other comfortable Accommodations but much better now in Heaven has better Place better Company better Employment tâ—an a vain World evâ—r did or could afâ—ord What occurs in 2 Cor. 7. 29 31. equally concerns both you and me whose Conditions in this case havâ— been the very same though now different you must labour to be and carry as if you had not lost a Wife and I as if I had no Wife Time is short and Life shoâ—t and relative Comforts are transient and fluid things thereforâ— your Sorrows must be moderate for your Loss and my â—oys be as if they were not seeing we and ours are to fall and part and pass away in our Courses My dear Brother labour â—or a Christian-Carriage under so sad a Cross O that what you want in the Creature may be abundantly made up by a Creator and that what you have lost as to Streams may be supplied from a Fountain God's Rod has a Voice as well as his Word and I believe you 'l labour to hear it and him that has appointed it O Brother we must have a care of â—nterâ—aining hard Thoughts of God who does all thingâ— in Righteousness and afflicts his Children in very Faithfulness My Bowels really yearâ— towards you now Wifeless and your poor â—aâ—â—s now Motherless the Lord be a Comfort and Support to you all and make up this astonishing Breach