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A56890 Fortune in her wits, or, The hour of all men written in Spanish by the most ingenious Don Francisco de Quivedo Villegas ... ; translated into English by Capt. John Stevens.; Fortuna con seso. English Quevedo, Francisco de, 1580-1645.; Stevens, John, d. 1726. 1697 (1697) Wing Q188; ESTC R5377 77,088 150

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had not Among the rest were two condemned to be Hanged the next day One of these having compounded with his Adversary was kept as a Prisoner at large The other they designed to Hang for Robbing after having been three years a Prisoner during which time they had devoured all he stole and all he his Father and Wife by whom he had two Children were worth Thus far had this Prince proceeded when the Hour commenced and he turning pale with anger said This Man you disigned to discharge because he has compounded with his Adversary shall be hanged to morrow for the contrary would be exposing of Lives to Sale and the Price of buying off an Appeal would prove the purchase of a Husband's Blood from the Wife of the Father 's from a Son and of a Son 's from the Father so that Pardons for Murder being to be bought a Rate would be set upon every Man's Life and thus all Examples of Justice would cease it being an easie matter to perswade the Appellant that a Thousand or Five hundred Crowns will do him more good than the Hanging of his Enemy There are two Parties concerned in all publick Offences viz. Justice and the Person Offended and it is no less necessary that the former should punish than that the latter should forgive This Thief whom after three years imprisonment you intended to Hang shall be sent to the Galleys for as it had been justice to Hang him three years ago so now it would be a Barbarous Wrong because in him you would hang his Father Wife and Children who are innocent and whose Substance by these delays you have devoured I remember a Story of a Man who enraged that the Mice gnawed his Papers Crusts of Bread Parings of Cheese and old Shooes took in Cats to destroy the Mice but perceiving the Cats not only eat the Mice but stole his Meat out of the Pot and tore it off the Spit that one day they spoiled a Fowl and another a whole Joint of Meat he kill'd the Cats and said The Mice for my Money Do you apply she Moral to this Fable since you like Devouring Cats instead of cleansing the State from Vermin do catch and eat the Thieves who are little Mice that Pick a Pocket Cut a Purse Snatch a Hat or Steal a Cloak and at the same time you waste the Country consume Estates and destroy whole Families Infamous Wretches I will rather endure Mice than maintain Cats This said he ordered all the Prisoners to be discharged and the Officers to be apprehended There was a wonderful Noise and Confusion those lamented who before were inexorable and the Prisoners loaded those with Fetters and Chains who before had Fetter'd them Old Women hiding their Age. Several Women appeared in a Street some of them a-foot and tho many were well stricken in years they tript it along like young Girls proud of their little Feet and white Petticoats Others were pack'd up in a Coach dissembling their Age with their Coy Looks and playing with their white Hands Others Dress'd like Bartholomew Babies and afraid the Air should discompose them were set up in Glass Cupboards or Sedans carried by greasy Fellows the farthest prospect of the Lady's Eyes being the neighbouring Haunches of the foremost and the next Perfume to their Noses proceeding from his sweaty Feet which being free from the encumbrance of Socks sent it up the fresher All of them were as gay as young Girls striving to be taken for such concealing their Age as they would their Shame and Ogleing with those Eyes that were ready to sink into their Heads Upon the very entrance of the Hour they were met by Maximus Origanus Argolius and a pack of other ancient Astrologers with their Ephemerides in their Hands who presently attack'd them to fix upon every one the date of her Life to the very year day hour minute and second of their Nativity These Conjurers set up a Cry Own your Age ye Wretches since it is your Doom you are Forty two years old 2 months days 2 hours 9 minutes and 20 seconds says one of the Astrologers to one of the Ladies Good God! who can express the terrible Shreiks she rais'd all that could be understood was you Lye it is false I am not Fifteen Lord what a Rogue this is to say such a thing Another cryed I am not Eighteen a Third I am but Thirteen I am a mere Child an Infant crys another Origanus was writing her Age upon the Back of one as if it had been a Bill upon a Door and it was to this effect This Woman was deliver'd into the World in the Year 1629. She perceiving by this means it would appear she was 67 Years of Age all in a rage cryed out Thou Old doating Emblem of Death I am but just come into the World my Teeth are not all cut Thou decayed piece of Antiquity replied Origanus Teeth will never spring under old Stumps look upon your Date I 'll own no Date quoth she and thus falling together by the Ears the controversie ended in a wonderful confusion After a sumptuous Dinner a mighty Potentate sate sate lulling his Pride with the false Flatteries that fell from the mouths of his Servants Sycophants A grumbling noise resounded from his cram'd gutts which could not agree in the Cooks-shop of his Belly with the strange medly of varieties he had devoured He foam'd at the Mouth the Wine boiling over and his whole Face was inflamed and bloated with the exhalation of his Stomach At each word he uttered tho' never so stupid the standers by like Men in a Frenzie poured out Superlative Encomiums An admirable sentence crys one nothing could be exprest finer says another most incomparable words says a Third and lastly a Parasite who laboured to out-flatter all the rest straining a lye to the utmost pitch exclaimes Learning it self stands amazed to hear you and even admiration is out-done The great Man strutting and fetching up two or three Gulps the fore-runners of a Vomit drivelled out these words I am much concerned for the loss of my two Ships Immediately the Parasites renewed their Flatteries and Romancing without measure one of them replyed That that loss redounded to his Honour that it fell out as could have been wished and nothing could have happened more opportunely since it administred an opportunity of falling out with his Neighbours from whom he might take Two Hundred in lieu of these two which might easily be compassed To prove this the false Flatterer produced many examples Another said That loss was the greatest testimony of his Grandeur for only he was a great Prince who had much to lose that losing was a better demonstration of Power than gaining and acquiring which were the Practice of Pyrates and Robbers That damage sustained he added would be the enriching of him and then began to fill his Ears with sentences out of Tacitus Salust Polibius Thucidides and other Authors represencing the vast
through the Room their Submissions were so profound as if they would have kiss'd the Ground he trod on He casting a Glance like a Shame-faced Girl press'd through saying Excuse me Gentlemen I am now in haste The Nobleman call'd for his Desk and sate to Dispatch Business when upon a false alarm thinking themselves summon'd to appear one of the Candidates cries It is I another I come and others Here I am crouding themselves to death against the Door The poor Lord understanding what a Peal of Petitions attended him knew not which way to turn himself He silently cursed himself saying It was one of the greatest Blessings in the World to have to give provided there were none to ask and that Favours that they might not be a plague to him that bestows them ought to be freely offered and never sued for The Dunners impatient of delay wasted inwardly considering there was but one Employment and the Candidates were many They Calculated the Account Arithmetically dividing one betwixt 32 and then says they What comes to every Mans share Then would they have substracted 32 from one but that could not be therefore every Man supposed himself that one and applied it cannot be to all the rest The Lord considered he could please but one and must disoblige 31 however to be rid of them he resolved they should be admitted and in order to it put on a stern Countenance and looked like a Statue that he might appear with more Majesty In they rushed in a Croud and he perceiving they would all Tongue-pad him at once said There is but one Employment and you are a Number I would gladly bestow the place upon one and stisfie you all As he had dropt the last Word the Hour commenced and the Lord bestowing the Employment upon one entailed the Reversion of it upon them all one after another World without end The wretched Presumptive Heirs began to wish one another dead praying for Plurisies Asthma's Consumptions Plagues Apoplexes Fluxes sudden Deaths and all manner of Disasters Scarce Were two Minutes past since the Entail when every Man thought his Predecessor had liv'd to the Age of Methusalem and though the Tenth Man computed his turn could not come till 500 years after yet every Man was pleased to wait the death of his Predecessor Only the 31th finding by his reckoning that his turn fell out exactly with the end of the World and after the coming of Antichrist said My Possession and the general Conflagration hit exactly together I shall make a fine Business of my Employment when I am burnt the day of Judgment who will oblige the Dead to pay me my Wages For my part I wish the 30th Successor a long Life for when the Employment comes to him the World will be at the last gasp The Lord left them striving to outlive and destroy one another and went himself away in a passion to see them protracting their Ages beyond Dooms-day and even coping with Eternity He that had carried the Employment stood amazed to consider what a long succession of Heirs he had got and at last slunk away resolving to eat light Suppers and prevent taking Cold. The rest looked upon one another as so many mutual Plagues and reciprocally cursing their Lives each fancied Diseases in the other and added to the number of his years every Successor threatning his Forerunner with Death giving him over as a gone Man and wishing him in the Hands of Physicians which is the same as to be delivered up to the Hangman Mumpers that borrow never to pay A sort of Men that borrow after the manner of the day that is past never to return again who snap at a Purse as a Spider does at a Fly that 's entangled in her Web lie tumbling in Bed till the Evening for want of Rags to cover their Nakedness Among them they had laid out Half a Crown they had Mumped in Wafers Ink Pens and Paper all which they had consumed in begging Letters all to the same effect expressing how urgent the Occasion was their Reputation lying at stake and even their Life with Assurances of a speedy Return and Professions of Eternal Acknowledgment However in case they should not meet with Money they concluded with the Ne plus Ultra of impudent Beggary desiring in case there was no ready Cash they would be pleased to send them something of value to pawn which should be most carefully secured By way of Postscript they begged Pardon for the Boldness protesting they would not be so free with any other Person They had drawn about an Hundred of these Notes to be dispersed in all the Corners of the Town whither they were conveyed by one of the Fraternity a notable Spunger that had a Tongue well hung and with his grave Beard and long Cloak not a little resembled a well travelled Mountebank The Herd of Letter Beggars remained computing how much Money the Messenger would bring and a cursed noise there was about the Sum. Nor did it stop here for they wrangled about the laying it out and having given one another the Lye at last they leaped out of their Beds with such Fragments of Shirts that there was no occasion to take them up to discover their Lower Parts In came their Mumping Post with an Air that spoke no Relief both his Hands were at liberty and his Arms open which foreboded Emptiness All that appeared was a great Bundle of Notes They all stood amazed seeing their Contrivance had ended in empty Answers and in a doleful Tone said What have we got No Money replied the poor Scoundrel you may divert your selves with Reading since you have no occasion of Telling They began to open the Notes The first was to this Effect I was never so much concerned at any thing in all my Life as my not being at present in a condition to serve you in a matter of so little value He might have served me quoth the Reader and have had more cause to be concerned The Second Note Sir had I received yours yesterday I could have obliged you and been proud of the Occasion A Curse of yesterday says he that is the daily Plague of all Mumpers The Third Note It is such a miserable time O Damned Almanack-maker cries the Shark we ask for Money and you tell us what Weather it is The Fourth Note Sir your want cannot be so grievons to you as to me it is that I cannot relieve you Who the Devil told you so exclaims the poor Wretch dost thou pretend to Divination thou Miser and Prophesy when you ought to give No more reading they all cried and making a Hellish Charm they added It is now night to make up what has been expended let us gnaw the Wafers of the Letters for our Supper and sell these and two other Parcels of Notes we have by us to the Confectioner who will give at least four Royals for them to Paper up Comfits wrap Sugar and lay