feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scripture promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt â—lorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion 〈◊〉 you for ye are not under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest on him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or otherwise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some doubtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that somtimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But after many comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5 6. The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16 17. And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blesstd Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so
glittering with a sharp edge which took up the whole space of the Gate from one Post to the other with a broad blade most keen and cruel at which sad sight being almost distracted With fear I shriekt out yet had not the least power to stop but was forcibly carried toward it so that the edge of the threatning blade meeting with my Body it seemed to me impossible that I should escape death and I made no other account but to be quite off and parted asunder but afterwards being hurried through with that irresistible force I had strength to stay a little beyond it and to contemplate the desperate peril that I was in I stood as one amazed and scarce knew whether I were alive or dead yea I could hardly believe my self to be any thing but a dead man or at least mortally and deadly wounded if not wofully and deplorably cut in twain Oh! how I stood trembling and turmoiled in my thoughts until after some time the Vital blood which was retired for the hearts defence began to disperse and circulate in its former course and then I lookt about and turned to the gate way but the appearance was passed away the Sword gone and vanisht whilst I was left alone the rest running away in a Labarynth of fears griefs and doubts free from an wound without but deeply and wofully wounded within and never since to the praise of Gods grace as I know of have I made such vain and irreverent mention of the name of the Lord. But good God! what was thy will herein Thou who art not tyed to means or order best orderest and disposest of all things for thine own design and glory and so this was I am sure but what it was I know not yet it left a lasting impression upon me and the Scar is still to be be seen in my heart though the wound be healed But alas how long and lamentably did I lye afflicted and in continual fears after this Every Thunder and Lightning I lookt upon as fatal to me and sent to destroy me and then I would fall to my prayers and saying my Creed and Commandments and to my Sermons as fast as I could that I might be found well doing at least if not as a Charm to preserve me or a challeng to God by virtue of them to keep and defend me And I remember it was a great comfort to me to consider that others did not do as I did but that they altogether flighted holiness prayer c. and lived wickedly and carnally in drunkeness disobedience Sabbath-breaking and other sins every day this I was so far from grieving at and weeping over that I in my heart rejoyced in it as having more hopes and fancying my self to be in a better condition than they and therefore should have more favour from the hand of God but all this while like an Israelite in Aegypt I work't for life and my Services were my Saviours and I would often take occasion to discourse with my Brothers Sisters and School-fellows about Heaven and Hell and what a hard thing it was to be saved Being at Malden in Essex some time after I had a certain Dream which seemed afterward fulfied It was about the time when the Spaniards and Hollanders had a Sea fight in the Downs which I hearing some talk of it filled me with fears and the following night I dreamed that I saw fire rained or rather powred down round about and looking where I was I thought my self to be without the Coach yard Gate of my Fathers house I was much affrighted to see nothing but fire on every side of me and looking upward and about me praying earnestly for Deliverance none came nigh me by a good space though flaming in all places else so that I could see none exempted wherefore being afflicted for my Father and our Family I fell on my knees to ask mercy for them and continued praying a long while before I could be heard but at last I thought I was bid to arise and look and then the Fire seemed not to fall so fast on my Fathers House as before but abated by little and little till I awaked Now though this Dream seized much upon my Spirits for the present yet I accounted it only a fancy till about six years after meeting with Dr. Draiton in the Isle of Ely and repeating it to him he declared to me that for several Reasons which he gave this must be more than a meer Dream or working of fancy and that something would happen which this did presignifie instancing in some of the like kind which himself his Wife and others had met with as warnings and predictions and therefore he wished me by no means to slight or contemn it because he was confident it did presage some fiery and angry Dispensation upon our Family and that my Father and the rest would fall under some trouble by the times or otherwise and my self should be free and at liberty to pray for them and that by degrees they should be brought out and the Fire abated this interpretation which he gave more fully was for the most part verified some years after But all this while I was labouring for Heaven in an exceeding formal way and did much covet to know the things of God and therefore often wisht that I were a Minister such a one as Mr. Fenner Mr. Marshall Mr. Hooker my Father or some other Eminent Preacher that so I might attain to their Knowledge and then I thought I should do more abundant Service for God as if the Lord were beholding to me for my obedience and should the more easily and surely obtain Salvation thus I poor Creature continued for several years together keeping many fast Days by my self Heard Read Sung Psalms Meditated used Soliloquies and prayed many times a day and what not and yet at last sunk into the depth of despair what by the often thoughts of Hell in reading Drexelius upon Eternity and then thinking of the Endless Easeless and Remediless Torments of the Damned what by frequent Frights as before and what by my Father once preaching on the Parallel of the Fool in the Gospel Luke 10.20 Thou Fool this Night will I take away thy Soul then whose shall these things be that thou hast provided From whence he discovered the unaccountable folly of Men to lay up the Trifles of this World and forget Heaven That Eternal Happiness is not to be obtained upon a Down Bed nor without much pains and care since our Blessed Lord tells us that many strive hard to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven and shall not be able and that Except our Righteousness exceed the Righteousness of the Scribes and Pharisees we shall in no case enter into the Kingdom of Heaven Matth. 5.20 what with these and other things I was almost thrown into the bottomless abyss of Desperation I took the Bible to look these Scriptures and read them over and over again but
7 I often hear this voice in mine ears Arise ye dead and come to judgment I rejoyce to hear this saying He that shall come will cbme and will not tarry 8. I desire sanctity of Life and help from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me 9. I long to hear him speak who saith in the Omega of the Revelation Behold I come quickly and my reward is with me even so come Lord Jesus come quickly Amen Amen M. K. XI Experiences of E. R. I was born and bred up of godly Parents yet Satan so far tempted me to commit that detestable sin of telling a Lye about eleven years of age against a Sister of mine who was shrewdly and severely corrected by my Parents for that fault tho' none of hers but mine and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart but three months after I had 〈◊〉 fit of Sickness and a grievous touch in my Conscience for that sin committed against God and my Sister that I saw nothing but desperation and feared that the horrors of Hell-fire would seize on my Soul and Body for this sin and Satan told me that there was no Salvation for me for God knew me not neither would he own me but if I would either hang my self or cut my throat or take the bedstaff to thrust down my throat then I should never be tormented more but look how an Ox dyed so should I. Then I cryed out to my Parents and said that I was damned and that there was no Salvation for me but that I must go to Hell my Parents watched me and searched narrowly to see what instruments I had prepared Then the Devil tempted me to rend the pillow and pick out some of the feathers to swallow them down which I did and it had like to have cost me my life for I was very nigh death by this means My Parents sent for a Doctor to administer some things to me which he did and when I was a little rccovered they sent for Mr. Knewstubs Minister in Edmonds-bury and Mr. Rogers Minister of Dedham who took a great deal of pains with me and asked me whom I did believe in I told them that I did believe in God that he would damn me they asked me if God would damn me because I did believe in him I answered no but it was for that sin committed against God and my innocent sister they asked me whether I was not sorry for that act I told them yes I had cause enough to be sorry for I must be damned for that sin then they asked me if I was sorry with all my heart for my offences I told them I had great reason to be sorry for by this I had lost the love of God and my interest in Jesus Christ they replyed that Christ had left sweet comforts for penitent sinners and they were to administer it unto them But I replyed it was for such a sinner as I was for there could be no Salvation for me They told me Christ dyed for sinners and such sinners as I was for they said I was a penitent sinner but I replyed Christ never dyed for such a one as I was neither could his mercy save me Then they bid me have a care how I did presumptuously go about to judge my own soul and that I was not fit to judge my self in the condition I was under for it was a greater sin in so doing than to comit that sin of lying against God for God was a God of mercy but I had no mercy thus rashly to judge my own soul I replyed that they were as bad as I for they came to help to carry my soul into Hell headlong they told me no but they would ingage their souls for my soul that I should find comfort from them in Christ Jesus with that I cryed out O happy day would that be that I might find comfort before my departure they told me that Christ was a Christ of tenderness that I was a beloved Christian and Christ was preparing comfort for me and it was Christ that had opened my eyes to see my sin and he would also open my heart to loath sin and he would pardon my sin yet I told them no that he would never open my heart but with terror for I was born to be damned and must be damned and that Christ never dyed for such a sinner as I was this I spoke with great sighing and they asked me what made me think so I told them that I saw nothing but Death and Hell and confusion of body and soul they asked me why I sighed and wept so sore I told them because now I was going into Hell for the Devil with his chains was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darkness they said Wherefore I told them for offending the Lord my Creator did wish my self to be in Hell that I might be out of misery and might no longer feel the vengeance of God with that they went to prayers each of them an hour and when the last Minister prayed I cryed out O Lord my God my King and Saviour have mercy upon me a poor distressed sinner Then Master Rogers came to me and took me by the hand and said That he was glad to hear me call upon the Lord yet I said I should be damned for I was none of his and that the Lord was none of my God The next morning I had some comfort but that left me again and I was under the same condition of ebbings and flowrings for sixteen weeks together before I had any firm hopes of my Salvation and having taken no rest a long time I fell into a slumber and in my sleep I imagined there did appear unto me a little child in white with an apple in one hand and a white wand in the other and he carried me til I came into a place where I did see much terrour of fire and shreeking and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by yet I must go over that burning lake and he took the white wand and laid it over the ditch and bad me tread upon it and fear not but I refused then he came and took me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand which bowled over very level and with that I said It is the Lord therefore I will venture and did venture over with this child in my hand and when I came to shore I cryed out with fear my Lord my God and my Saviour am I in Hell or am I redeemed out of Hell with that I awaked being in a great passion and fear and there being my friends about me they told me I was redeemed out of Hell I asked How could they tell had they been there for I told them that I had been newly there then I cryed out Oh! where is that sweet Babe that was with me they asked me what Babe and what was
my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my Soul As Matth. 5.4 Christ saith Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted As God hath given me a mourning Spirit for my sins so I believe that in his time I shall be comforted and I have tasted I bless God of the comforts of his Spirit in my Soul Isaiah 55.1 The Lord saith Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no mony come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without mony and without price As the Lord hath made my Soul to thirst for him so I doubt not but to find him And the Lord says Ezek. 33.11 As I live I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live I thank God my heart and soul is turned from all things and is only after the Lord. And in a special manner I have found sweet evidences of my faith and interest in God through Christ I had lately much comfort from a Sermon preached by Mr. Strong who shewed that afflictions did not make us low in the sight of God though before men as also from the words at a conference by Mr. V. That in the World we shall have tribulations but in God rest And 1. I do clearly find that my love is more set upon God than upon any thing 2. I could more willingly leave the world now than ever before and I could willingly dye if God saw it good in the mind I am 3. I find in my heart that I do so cast my self upon God that I have peace with him 4. In times of doubtings I find comfort that I have a God to call upon and I find much peace in my mind in returns from God 5. I do always find when any evil thoughts arise a power from God which subdues them so that I never willingly give way to them 6. I find my affections ready to go forth both to duties and in duties to God and when I come to them with little affection yet I bless God I find a great deal of comfort usually before I go away 7. I find the most comfort to my spirit is when I am weeping for my infirmities or at prayer or duties in publick or private and methinks I find such joy in them that I could dwell there having no comfort in the world like that 8. I find in my heart a real love to all if any have wronged me I desire no revenge but that I may be at peace with all 9. Whatsoever I find to be a truth from God and a motion of his Spirit I find in my soul a willingn submitting to it A. A. XXIII Experiences of E. C. ABout 16. years of Age though I did not understand the Word yet I had a great desire to go to hear because they served God therin that did sâ— knowing that there is a God that ought to be served And I sat in corners studying what way I might come to God if I should dye having a very grear affection wrought by the Lord upon my spirit praying as well as I could that my self and my Father and Mother and Friends might go to God when we dye And I was very much set upon duties thinking to find God there but afterwards lived in a Family where I was much hindred from the Ordinances or partaking of any thing of God which was a great grief unto me Yet sometimes I had thoughts towards worldly things pondering how to be rich or fine as others but God wrought in my heart a remorse to check those temptations And frequently the Lord laid some affliction or other upon me to wean me the more from such vain thoughts which brought my heart into a very sad condition many times and sometimes I have wept day and night And at other times through grief that I could not sorrow enough I have fallen into a great measure of weeping After I had lived in several other Families where I had little comfort About twenty years since hearing Mr. F. and Mr. P. on Lords-days I was much comforted and also by Mr. Marshall and others and from the consideration of the Love of God in Christ and the sufferings of Christ for us as also of the Woman that did but by Faith touch the hem of Christs garment how she was comforted and healed and I had much comfort in private meetings But about five years since seeing my other Neighbours many of them flourish and prosper in the World more than I I began to doubt that I did but play the Hypocrite and that perhaps they did pray more at home than I though I knew some of them went less to the publick Ordinances I was very much troubled at this and thought with my self Lord shall I still lye at the Pool and find no body to put me in that I may be healed and I was much troubled because many of my Neighbours hated me for frequenting private meetings And for above a month I spent much time in private prayer and often in the night upon my Bed and went to hear only on the Lords-days But then I had thoughts upon me that it was not pleasing to God to pray unto him upon a soft Bed Then the Lord put it in my heart that he had promised That where two or three are met together in my name that I will be in the midst of them This caused me to go again as I had done before to hearing of Sermons on week-days But still I found many reasonings and doubtings upon my spirit whether I was elected or not and was much cast down many times about it and had some temptations to despair fearing that such a sinner as I could not be saved Yet I had comfort in this that though I was a sinner God by his Spirit had mortified me And though I am not so good as I should be yet through the power of grace I am not so bad as the flesh would be and finding much of the testimony of Gods Spirit upon my heart I had great hope that I had marks and tokens of my believing One night having for about half a years time before used to go to Bed before I prayed being in Bed and thinking to pray to God I had strange temptations upon me to put God out of my mind and I could not speak a word nor scarce think of God and if I did in some intervals I could not name God or Christ nor speak a word to God for the present And Satan then seemed to appear to me in a most ugly shape laughing and jeering at me which did much affright me and I feared that I had played the Hypocrite with God and now should run mad to make good what some haâ— reproachfully cast upon me that I was an Hypocrite and I was rising out of my Bed but it pleased the Lord to
Mother from me which was some sorrow to me but being suddenly made my Father's house-keeper so as it were a Mother to ten Children a Mistress over six Servants none to do any thing without my command or consent being as it were my Father's right hand from whom I had this Authority it did not only stop my sorrow but caused an exceeding joyful pride or proud joy to seize upon my heart seeing my self as it were advanced being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish who were my Mothers companions I representing her person when I was amongst them then began the cares of the World and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart and made me forget my former order promises and intentions and thus I spent almost seven years cumbred about many things but quite neglecting that one thing which is needful About this time it pleased God to take my Father from me upon a sudden I asked my heart What was the cause of my Father's death It made answer thus Because thou hast sinned against God thou hast not only omitted much good but thou hast committed much evil thou hast spent thy time idly and loosely and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fatherless and Motherless This consideration made such a deep impression upon my spirit that I refused all comfort for half a year crying out continually My sins my sins woe is me my sins being demanded by divers godly friends and reverend Divines what those sins were which so much troubled me I told them sins of omission sins of omission they would perswade me that I was young and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sins by omission that needed so much sorrow I told them that I was old enough to offend God and to provoke him to anger indeed I could not give so ready account of my sins of evil committed and of good omitted but though they never took notice of my sins yet my heart was witness against me Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow who knew not what to do for me more than they had done With one consent they sent me up to London perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there which made me willing to come But missing of my Brother to whom I was sent to be provided for and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page Minister of Debtford from whom I received great comfort but in a short time God took him from us all whose death was greatly lamented I found much favour and love from all that knew me and most especially from Mris. Page who for three years and an half would not suffer me to be away from her one day At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living we had not been long married and my Husband received his Portion but we took a house in Westminster intending to take some honest course for a livelihood but there God knows we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness but almost all our means One man especially who gave his mind to drinking and other vices more than any good he I say was never well contented without my Husband's company Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house This I begged upon my knees with tears but could not prevail then did the Devil set his foot into my heart and perswade me that by the committing of one sin I should prevent many and so stirred me up to murther him to which suggestion I cowardly yielded and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act Here I denied my Master Christ In the highest of this hatred in my sleep I thought I was in a very large Chamber sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaim death suddenly the man came into the Chamber whom so soon as I espyed to be alone catching up a weapon in my hand I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body but God who watcheth over his whether they sleep or wake and worketh by means and without means which way he pleaseth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear saying Vengeance is mine to which voice I answered aloud And thou wilt repay O Lord Then waking hearing my self speak I was in very good charity with him and left my wrong to God but reflecting upon mine own heart there I found not only these but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth for I no sooner had concluded that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust although I suffered all the punishments due for such and such like sins wherein I ran away from my Captain yet for all this he had a favour towards me and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again But then began a fresh Battel for my God coming as it were to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me he found it not only wrapt up in a napkin but exceedingly abused and searching my heart what found he there but a sink of sin a Cage of unclean Birds and Den of Theeves a place for Dragons for the Scritchowl and for the Satyre these had taken full possession there was no room for my God they kept him out and what did they there but made it like a troubled Sea First telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven Dost thou not know said they that thy thought sins are sufficient to damn thee although thou hast never committed any actually doth not the Scripture say plainly if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery which commandment being broken brings death I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law to see which of them I had broken and which I had kept I found them all broken and at the end of every one was written Death And not only these but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ wherein he bids us watch and pray for your enemies feed the hungry cloath the naked love one another all which I had likewise broken which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation I argued then with my self on this wise I have read and I have heard that Almighty God which by his power made Heaven and Earth and all therein had sent his Son to dye for sinners and that there was hopes through his
death that I should get pardon I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my God and Saviour but I was dashed from all Mine enemy Satan possessing my thoughts suggested thus unto me Fond Fool quoth he why dost thou thus trouble thy self take thy pleasure do what thou likest thou shalt never be called to an account for any thing for as the wise man dyeth so dyeth the fool and both rest in the grave together there is no God to save thee or to punish thee all things were made by nature and when thou dyest there is an end of all thy good and bad deeds thou talkest of the Scripture and of a God and of a Jesus which thou hast heard of there see thy simplicity now how canst thou prove the Scriptures to be true alas they were made by mens inventions there is no hold for thee to take there Thus being unquiet I spent my days and nights in tears and sighs and groans sometimes thinking with my self If I shall be saved why am I thus Then again concluding that there was no Heaven no God no Jesus no good Angels only an Hell there was and Devils to carry me thither who waited in every corner and behind every door to snatch me away And I saw there was no remedy but the more I strove the faster I stuck I fainted and laid down mine arms and cowardly yielded to the enemy arguing with my self if I am a firebrand of Hell a child of perdition a limb of Satan and my portion is to be with the Devil and his Angels Why live I longer upon the Earth why go I not to mine own place Thus content to perish I wandred about the space of half a year no Man nor Woman was privy to nor knew the least of all my thoughts at length concluding that the night ensuing would be my last night that I should stay here on Earth as one desiring to be at home I carelesly left my Family and went to bed as it were inviting the Devils to come and take their due but mark I pray you the goodness of our God who was with me all this while and I was not aware of it for even that same night The little dog leaping upon the bed I thought it was the Devil who was come to fetch me away I screamed forth aloud but when I perceived it was the dog and not the Devil I began to think Thut surely there was a God that had preserved me all this while In a most grievous agony I spent that night weeping and although it was Winter yet I sweat that the water ran from off every part of my Body Being in this sad condition I thought it was not right but surely some means might be used to get out of it And rising the more early in the morning went up into the highest room that was in the House and looked forth at the window to see if I could see God there I beheld the Trees to grow the Birds to flye the Heavens how they hanged and all things that were before me then I thought they could not make themselves no more than I could make my self and that we must needs have a Maker and this Maker must be strong and powerful Then I fell down upon my knees crying out in this manner O God if there be a God shew thy self to me a poor miserable wretch that I am at the point to perish Then I thought I saw the Lord but with a frowning countenance he looked upon me as if he had said Thou hast displeased me and I will not hear thee and turning his back went from me which sight was as a dart thrust through my Soul for the space of half an hour divers thoughts entred into my Heart but before I rose from off my knees I resolved to become an earnest suter to him and not to do any thing more that should displease him hoping that he would be intreated for that which was past But now I beseech you godly Christians to take notice of the wonderfull workings of our good God whose judgements are unsearchable and his ways past finding out He had called many times at the door of my heart and had but small and slight entertainment but now he came violently and powerfully to take possession of his own and set me about his work in my self Then I began to think what I should do and whether I should go to pacifie the wrath of this terrible and dreadfull God by whose providence I was brought to a Church in VVestminster where Mr. Dod a very godly and reverend Divine was preaching a Funeral Sermon I went in hoping to hear some comfort giving attentive heed his Text was With my dead body they shall arise see here my God did not only make a scourge of small cords and whipped out the buyers and sellers but he did over-turn and overturn and overturn for this Minister did not only preach to the people but shewed me as it were in a looking glass mine own condition and told me that by the gates of Hell many times God was pleased to bring his Servants to Heaven being hungry and thirsty I was glad of a little food and presently catcht hold of that word Is it so thought I then there is comfort for me I will about my work if it please God to assist me In his Sermon he asked divers questions to which my heart made answer so that I came home joyfull longing to hear more of his Doctrine which fell out as if it had been on purpose for my sake so that for a month or five weeks I heard two three four or five Sermons from him constantly every week wherein he bid me try and prove whether I had Faith or no whether I did hate my sins or no and what have been the signs and fruits thereof He likewise bid me search the Scriptures for they are true and compare my condition with the children of God there But after he was sensible of my condition which I made known to him privately he was very laborious to bring my Soul out of the jaws of Death and to raise it up to Jesus Christ for which pains I hope my God will reward him to his everlasting comfort But one thing I had almost forgot When I was in the depth of my spiritual dejection I was utterly denyed all outward comforts my God hiding his face I was troubled the Sun the Moon and the Stars seemed in their courses to fight against me my neighbours fell out with me and mocked me my kindred deserted me my Captain Christ offended made me run the gauntlet and every Souldier had a lash at me whatsoever happened unto me brought sorrow to my heart But when I was perswaded that the Scriptures were true I set my self to search them to see what comfort I could find there beginning at the Alpha of Genesis I found In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth and all therein Well