and for the price and satisfaction made by this bloud do I cry for mercie mercie and earnestly desire grace to liue hereafter an holy and righteous life I am a Christian and a penitent Sinner how can I despaire or doubt of saluation knowing Gods infinite Mercie and Truth that he is not onely a God of Mercy readie to pardon but also a God of Truth who will truly fulfill his word and promise of pardon vpon mens true Repentance as of iustice in punishing them who persist in sinnes committed Why should I bee afraid to touch the hemme of my Sauiours garment seeing his promises are made vnto mee his satisfaction for me and for such Sinners as I am he did vndergoe all his sufferings from the pricke of the Thorne to the wound with the Speare from his first groane to his last act of passion his graue and buriall to his Resurrection and Ascension into Glory Mee thinkes those blessed words of the Apostle are spoken not onely to me but of mee Iesus Christ came into the World to saue Sinners of whom I am the chiefe Can I repenting doubt Can I being a Christian bee so base as to bee ashamed to confesse the Faith of our Lord Iesus Christ Can I haue more content or ayme at more then to be a Christian Conuert and a true Penitent seeing there is no higher honour in the world to bee aymed at no glory comparable to bee a true Christian Can disgrace pouertie calamitie height or depth life or death sinne or the Deuill daunt me They cannot they cannot for I finde God a light to mee in the midst of darknesse and a refreshing comfort in all calamities In so much that when I am in the deepest despayre for my sinnes in the greatest agonies and horrours of conscience and most bitter passions thinking with my selfe what an Estate I once had and how poore I am now How I was valued now despised how they who esteemed mee liuing in sinne doe now refuse mee repenting of my sinne What great cause of discomfort it is to me that I cannot nor am able to haue the breeding or to enioy the sight of my Children being Infants for whom I would suffer death hauing no refuge but to bee a Souldier or serue yet still euen when I am thus deiected and cast downe as low as sinne misery and the Deuill can cast me downe I doe not let goe my hold but doe cleaue to God and am vpholden by him continually When it is manifest that none of these things can tempt and allure me eyther to remoue my Religion which I professe or to forsake my Lord Iesus Christ whom I should forsake and forgoe if I should resolue to liue in Theft Piracie or any other sinne That I haue time to publish this I am fully satisfied my soule is at rest I am lesse carefull of my life a thousand times not desperately but humbly yeelding my selfe to God if I starue perish dye by the Sword bee taken captiue by the Turke and liue a most miserable Slaue all my dayes Yea come wofull life or shamefull death I will trust in God though he kill me and will neuer flye from him And here I professe and protest before God and the World that as I haue dishonoured God stayned my selfe with bloud in a most vile and abominable manner and defiled the honour of Religion to the great scandall and offence of many So I doe now with all my heart desire if I may be thought worthy and haue a due calling thereunto to stand with my Sword in my hand and to expose my selfe to the greatest dangers in the World in the most bloudie Battels Fire or Sword where God may shew extraordinarie Mercie or Iudgement in the defence of the Gospell and of true Christian Religion And as I haue basely slaine a Minister of Gods Word so in defence of the men of God the faithfull Ministers of his Word in this Church of England I may in any breach or danger interpose my selfe euen betweene them and death and defie and withstand all their Enemies or any other wayes yeeld my selfe to Gods Iudgements Tryals Corrections and Directions in a Vocation how low and meane soeuer and neuer turne Capuchine or take vpon mee any Popish and Superstitious Vow and profession of austeritie which is a fit refuge for Cowards Cains and Iudasses Though my sins are innumerable and abominable which still hang fast on me and cleaue as rust vnto my corrupt nature yet I haue the Balme of Gilead the bloud of Iesus Christ the mercie of God and the Diuine Power of Heauen to counteruaile them all Yea I haue many markes and tokens of Gods grace giuen to me and of his mercy shewed towards me which doe much refresh my soule As first that I aske and sue for mercie at no other power but at the hand of God for our Lord Iesus Christs sake and so in the right way to the Fountaine of Life Secondly That I find great content and comfort in wrastling against flesh and bloud and all myne owne corruptions and in maintayning to the Deuils face my Religion Faith Hope Repentance Thirdly That I hold my certaine and resolute determination as an armour against his fiery Darts and doe still lay fast and sure hold on our Lord Iesus Christ hoping to perseuer and hold out to the end Fourthly That I haue peace of conscience more then the World is worth which if I neuer had tasted nor knowne but were as an Heathen or Turke I should with the World holding that for bloud vengeance must haunt without Redemption and so being frighted with Furies vnknowne and endlesse grow desperate and like Varney and Dansekar dye with bloudie content in reuenge or prosecute till death Piracie or Theft to mitigate my endlesse tormenting miseries and to leaue my Children an Estate though neuer so vniustly got Fiftly That I cannot be brought to deny Christ or to doubt that there is a Christ nor be pulled from beleeuing in Christ and hope to bee saued through him by the Deuill nor all my sinnes if I had all the sinnes in the World vpon me Sixtly That I am deliuered from the danger and infection of the Romish Religion For if I were of that Religion I would attempt any sinfull course as Theft or Piracie to releeue my wants in hope of Pardon Penance or Purgatorie for no punishment should terrifie me let it bee whatsoeuer it could bee euen Purgatorie it selfe so it might haue end I would willingly endure it if so be it might procure me pardon and vnder that condition grant mee libertie to sinne I should with them of that Religion hold that Iustice must bee satisfied necessarily vpon Sinners in this World and that by our owne bodily sufferings sinne must bee expiated and there is no auoyding it And so I would seeke by voluntary earthly punishment in this life to satisfie Iustice by turning Pilgrime or Capuchine Yea I am assured that our Lord Iesus hath satisfied for all punishments of vengeance both temporall and eternall though I haue endured or should hereafter vndergoe all miseries and calamities and euen a most bitter and painfull death yet I doe not account them any satisfaction or expiation my bloud cannot satisfie for bloud I may if God should so dispose haue a bloudie end as a iust reward of my sinne I cannot deny it but what can satisfie to iustifie Surely none of mine owne miserable calamities can make any part of satisfaction that is a thing which I vtterly disclayme onely the bloud and satisfaction of Iesus Christ is that on which I doe lay hold and relye by Faith for Iustification Yet because not onely the Maiestie of God hath beene deeply offended by my haynous transgressions but also his Church greatly scandalized and the mindes of my graue Fathers and deare Brethren in Christ no lesse deeply wounded in their compassion for him that dyed by my hand then himselfe was in his passion and bodily dissolution whose many wounds bleed a fresh in my eyes and memorie I professe my selfe readie and willing to endure whatsoeuer other humiliation this blessed Church hath or shall impose vpon mee for the further assurance of my satisfaction to her which may in some sort suite with the depth of my offence against her and her Children Verily as I abhorre Popish satisfaction derogating from the merits of Christs bloud so I with others more learned then my selfe wish that the ancient Discipline of the Primitiue sincere Church were more throughly reuiued in euery scandalous crime by publike confession submission and satisfaction to the Christian Congregation Wherein my self desire as much to go beyond others in my humiliation as I haue exceeded all in my presumptuous transgressions With offensiue but penitent Ecebolius in the Ecclesiasticall History I say of my selfe Cast me out tread vpon me for vnsauourie Salt FINIS Prou. 1. 7 8 9. Psal 139. 7 â— Esay 1. 1â— Mat. 25.
Land in which time I hoped with my earnest Repentance to obtayne forgiuenesse from my God and a new acceptance at my returne into the bosome of my offended Countrey but the Appeale beeing crossed and finding my Pardon firme I altered that determination and prayed to God to blesse me with a Wife with whom I might in an honest life weare out my dayes and retyre my selfe to God and the setling of my conscience To this end I solicited a Gentlewoman in which suite of mine many dangers layed siege to me and by the most meanes that euer man did I scaped the depriuing of my life by foure men which assaulted mee with Halberts and grieuously wounded me running mee thorow the body and giuing mee grieuous wounds How iust O Lord had it beene that I by whose hand the life of a man was spilt should haue beene made a due Sacrifice though not to Iustice which if I escaped vet to reuenge which I deserued Yet though left for dead by this assault it pleased God to preserue my life I hope to my further repentance and his better seruice This done my Pardon yet wanted allowance by Sir Peter Warberton who enforced me publikely to submit my selfe to the Church and so in the Conuocation house before my Lords Grace of Canterburie and the rest of the Reuerend Bishops and Cleargie in the Parliament time I did acknowldge my fault and gaue testimonie of my Contrition and Repentance and made a true profession of my Religion and then the said worthy Iudge and Iudge Wamsley gaue allowance to my Pardon Thus freed from the externall punishment of the Law and my minde thereby the better setled for my inward content I bestowed my selfe in Marriage in which God gaue mee the blessing of a Father in my Posterity and thus retyred my ciuill life woue mee againe into the opinion of my Countrey and conuersation of the Ministerie from which before my Fact had iustly excommunicated me Master Doctor Hooke now Archdeacon of Yorke then entertayning me a Soiourner in his house with my Wife and Family he and other Ministers of those parts affording me their conference comforts and societie Yet lest my past troubles and vexations of bodie and minde should foolishly make mee hope that I had made an ample satisfaction to God and the World the Omnipotent Power had destined a new tryall for me and in the midst of my seeming peace I must be exposed to a Warre almost as fearefull as the first as if by doing new mischiefes I should only bee made capable of satisfying for the olde or by losing my selfe againe I should thus bee found the second time my first Repentance insufficiently perfected My occasions drawing me to Grantham vnhappily I encountred with one Master Riggs a man vrged by his owne rashnesse as I conceiue it to seeke his owne fall by my hand that I being made the lucklesse instrument of his death might then truely see that God was not at attonement with my soule for the first when he permitted me to be a Destroyer of a second vnmoued by any occasion of mine grosly and strangely three or foure seuerall times he heaped iniuries vpon me beyond the temper of any humane sufferance vnlesse in those with whom the Spirit of God had more residence then yet it had with mee nor satisfied with this but he must needs pursue me though auoiding him and in my way home assaulted me with his Sword of whom I receiued hurts but in conclusion by me hee fell his wound being drest the Surgeons warranted life but the worke of the Lord is beyond the imagination of likelihood or the fraile apprehension of weake man It was otherwise for my greater punishment determined by him but on the assurance of his Dressers I was bayled and when the newes of his death came vnlookt for I was perswaded to flye which for these two causes I vtterly refused First and principally I knew had before tryed that I could not flye from the wrath of God though I were couered with Mountaines or hid in the Caues of the Earth and therefore rather desired if so it pleased him to accept of my poore life as a Sacrifice for the bloud I had spilt willingly and patiently to lay my selfe on the blocke of death Secondly my Wife and innocent Children must needs haue beene by my flight exposed to all ill sufferings for my guilt my Wife widdowed and comfortlesse my Children Fatherlesse and destitute and my estate which my stay might saue for them thus confiscated For these causes was I apprehended and in a moment rauisht from all I delighted in hauing nothing left to feed on but my Despayre had not God sent mee inward comfort no companion but miserable and afflicted thoughts no house to dwell in but a Prison and no Comforter I mean outward but Iobes the skorne and reproch of all my Frinds and Acquaintance In this miserable Exigent I arraigned my soule which still had nothing to pleade but guiltie a hopelesse Plea so that had not my still preseruing God who though I forsooke him neuer yet forsooke mee sent mee infinite comforts and assurances by two daily visiting godly Ministers Master Buddle and Master Atkinson I should there I feare haue proued my owne Executioner and haue dyed despayring By their good meanes I beganne with a liuely faith to lay hold on the merits of Christ and rest my wearie sicke and staggering soule vpon his Crosse Master Buddle neuer leauing mee the time of Imprisonment and Irons For which the Lord giue to him and all my iust and mercifull Friends mercie to his and their houses as Paul prayed for Onesiphorus who was not ashamed of my chaines and neuer left mee till he had remoued from mee a desperate opinion I was falling into that God hated mee from the beginning euery thing beeing so crosse to mee from my birth in which hee satisfied mee that it was for sinne and that God hated none but for sinne of which if I repented and truely turned to God I should finde God his fauour towards me and that these afflictions would be good for me New troubles yet behold assayled me and now the Lord began to visit me euery way as in my selfe so in what was neerest and dearest vnto mee my only Child for whose meanes of liuing I had exposed my selfe to the stroke of death was touched by the angrie hand of God hopelesse of recouerie his wretched Mother weeping the Bell tolling his Graue prepared and which was a doubler of my torment my selfe like a condemned Gally Slaue led in Irons to see his departure The grieuousnesse of this spectacle strooke a sudden amazement into me and then I beganne earnestly and faithfully to beseech God not to lay my sinnes on the head of my innocent Child but to turne his mercifull face towards him howsoeuer his diuine Iustice intended to dispose of me My gracious God heard me and past and beyond all earthly hope and meane
Church of England should vtterly refuse me forsake and cast mee off yet will I still holde this opinion and thus reuerently esteeme thinke and speake of this Church and Religion and will choose rather to liue in concontinuall penury then to be of another minde For I am sure this Religion is that which is taught in Gods holy Word and therefore I must needs beleeue it As for the doctrine of the Church of Rome I could neuer find comfort in it only in that which they deny to Lay-men that is the reading of the Scriptures do I find true ground of cōsolation True it is that simple and vnstable men may abuse their reading of the Scriptures vnto errour and by Gods gracious promises therein recorded may take occasion to presume and trust too much to their own Faith and Gods Mercies But this ought not to make vs disclayme or to neglect the daily reading of Gods sacred Word for there is no meanes like to this so powerfull to keepe men from committing of sinne nor after sinne committed to vphold them from falling into finall Desperation For my part I haue desired as much as any Sinner that euer was the content of this Worlds base sinfull Pleasures Ryot Vain-glory Reuenge Excesse in Prodigalitie and the like But these crosses and calamities befalling me The reading of the Scriptures accompanied with the sweet Conference and Comfortable Letters of mercifull learned men who haue dealt with me those wayes in England and by writing to me into the Low Countries among whom I cannot omit to name with reuerence and thankfull acknowledgement Master Trigg Master Buddle Master Crashaw and of late at Lambith Master Doctor Goad and Master Doctor Featly c. vnto whom I haue sued as the woman did to Christ euen for Crummes falling from our Sauiours Table haue most powerfully opened mine eyes and enlightened myne heart and soule to see seele and taste Gods Iudgements and Mercies myne owne sinnes and transgressions the peace of conscience the difference of Sinners penitent and impenitent Cain Saul Achitophel and Iudas their despayre and the confession and repentance of Dauid Peter and the rest of Gods Saints Seeing Dauid that great anointed King and all the renowned Seruants of God haue confessed their bloud guiltinesse and other foule sinnes and haue repented of them and openly exclaymed against them Shall I a wretch not worthy to be named among the meanest of all deiected Sinners thinke it a shame to me and blush to confesse my sinnes and openly to publish my griefe and repentance Especially seeing now all the World Learned Men Gods Messengers Friends Enemies the Troubles and Miseries which I haue sustayned the peace and torment of Conscience which I haue felt doe prouoke mee teach mee driue me to confesse my sinnes and offences offending and transgressing the Lawes of God I here therefore in bitternesse of soule confesse my faults and cry out against all my sinnes committed from my birth to this present from Master Storr his bloud to euery hurt and wrong which I haue done to any in deed word or thought not onely for my crueltie and reuenge done to men but for that I haue since also thought it lawfull to defend my selfe with Sword contrary to the Lawes of God when I might perhaps better haue done it by other meanes It wounds me to think of my blasphemous oaths vttered in passion and distemper My disobedience to my Parents my excesse my drinking of healthes my prodigalitie yea my eating and drinking of more then to suffice nature and my feeding of Horses and Dogges with mans food such as many good Christians wanted expecting of the blessing for my faith without workes and for beleeuing without liuing of a sanctified life or truly following of a lawfull calling my open and secret sinnes my many motions to sinne and too much yeelding to Satans subtilties and mine owne imperfections vaine and light disposition pronenesse to Anger Pleasure Distrust Despayre my presumption when God shewed any miraculous deliuerance or any mercie to my soule bodie or estate All these are as a terrible Armie of so many deadly foes and like so many Swords and Speares entring into my heart and soule When I consider with my selfe mine owne vncertaine condition how when I haue thought my selfe safe and sure I haue found immediately that I haue beene most vncertaine and in greatest danger and when in greatest danger by Gods helpe and power most secure how in euery pleasure and calamitie I haue found a baite and in euery baite an hooke and that though for the space of ten yeares last I haue had a resolution not to sinne with purpose but rater to dye yet by myne owne weaknesse and wilfulnesse in passion I haue fallen into so innumerable and so abominable sins and haue as it were trampled vnder foote the bloud of the Son of God and returned like the Dogge to his vomit and like the Swine to the myre by my continuall falling repenting from the bottome of my heart for all and euery sinne which I haue committed from my birth to this moment And vpon the knees of my heart doe with such humble desire and affection as the difference requireth betweene the Mightie and Almightie Commander of Heauen Earth and Sea and mee one of the greatest Sinners in the World a wretched vile worme of no reputation yea with as seruent and vehement importunitie as euer any Thiefe did craue pardon or childe mercy and forgiuenesse do I begge and sue for pardon of God the Father of our Lord Iesus Christ the seer of the secrets of all hearts for his mercies sake whose mercies are ouer all his workes whose mercie preuayleth and reioyceth against his iustice and whose louing kindnesse lasteth for euer Vpon his promises made vnto vs in his holy word doe I build all my hope and confidence euen such as these following viz. That though our sinnes bee as Crimson or Scarlet he will make them white as Snow or Wooll That at what time soeuer a Sinner doth repent he will put out all his iniquites that if they would turn from their wickednesse and do righteousnesse they shall not dye but liue That he hath Balme of Gilead to heale the weake and sicke Also vpon these promises of our Lord Iesus God equall with his Father who saith Come vnto me all ye that trauell and bee heauie laden and I will ease you c. His disgraces reproches troubles teares sighes grones thornes skornes whipping spitting vpon beating stripes sweating nayling hanging wounding bleeding out his heart-bloud Passion Death Resurrection and Ascension are so many Salues and Medicines to cure my bleeding soule His bloud speaketh better things then the bloud of ABEL and the cry thereof ouercommeth the voice of Master Stors bloud and of all other my loud crying sinnes which call to Heauen for vengeance And therefore with this his bloud which hath satisfied for all temporall and eternall punishments doe I come sprinkled before God