whence springs all my Misery 't is from this that instead of serving thee in Spirit and in Truth instead of making thy Glory the end of all my thoughts words and actions I persue after nothing but the gratification of my irregular Lusts Let me be never so rash and so ungrateful unto thee O my God as to fancy my self the Author of those Reflections which I somtimes make when I retire my self from the hurry of this world wherein an unquencheable appetite torments the most happy persons and renders them miserable slaves even by the accomplishment of their most earnest desires REFLECT V. The Thoughts of a penitent Soul fearful of being deceiv'd by the Appearance of a False Conversion WHat am I my Lord and my God what am I but a proud Atome a poor blind creature who continually goes astray when thou withholdst the Rays of thy Grace I deserve to be annihilated if at any time I should attempt the conversion of my self by my own power without the assistance of thy Grace Mortifie in my soul all vain glory every thing that tempts me to too good an opinion of my self but chiefly that frothiness of humour which serves only to divert me from thy ways to deprive me of the benefit of my afflictions and the sweet comfort â—f thy Holy Spirit Give me humility and distrust â—f my own reason let me thirst â—fter doing good more and carâ—al knowledge less lest valuing 〈◊〉 more than thy grace I lose my â—elf and instead of becoming a â—ood Christian become a Phiâ—osopher better acquainted â—ith the Maxims of Aristotle and â—escartes than the knowledge â—f the Cross O how vain and deceitful are â—he thoughts of man unless goâ—ern'd by that Wisdom which is â—rom above by that Wisdom â—hich is Foolishness to the World because it is unacquainted â—ith it by that Wisdom which â—od has concealed from the â—roud and discovered to the â—umble by that Wisdom which â—aughs at humane subtilty and â—cts only according to the grace of Jesus Christ In short 〈◊〉 that Wisdom which is producâ—â— by the Fear of God and whiâ—â— is the beginning and the end 〈◊〉 all true Wisdom Permit me not O my God tâ—â— flatter my self that I hate all siâ—â— because I am perhaps restraineâ— from Luxury and passion Leâ— me not flatter my self that 〈◊〉 am taken off from loving thâ— Creature because my diversionâ— are innocent Let me not flatter my self thaâ— I have mortified my passions foâ— I find them revive with moâ—â— strength then ever and encliâ—â— me to self-love which is thâ— more dangerous decause by jâ—â— stifying these irregular motionâ— it renders me deaf to the dictateâ— of my reason and the holy in spirations of thy grace Let me not fancy my self to bâ— without pride ambition selâ—-love because I despise the World â—â—d scorn to owe those Honours â—ortune has stripp'd me of to â—â—ything else but my ovvn deserts Let me not so much deceive my â—â—lf as to think I am throughly â—â—nverted when indeed I have â—â—ly chang'd the sins of sense â—â—r those of the mind A proâ—â—ane proud and fensual Life 〈◊〉 which I was always tormented 〈◊〉 reflecting on my Crimes and â—â—e remorse of my Conscience â—â—r a life in which my whole enâ—eavour is to gratifie self love â—nd enjoy the pleasures of the World and in the mean while â—se my precious time forget my â—od hazard the salvation of my â—oul obtain nothing but the Moâ—ality of a Heathen which alone â—ill not save me at the day of Judgment O state truly deplorable â—nd the more so because I am â—ot sensible of my condition but rest satisfied without endeavouring after any other Repentancâ— or Conversion REFLECT VI. Vpon the Opposition of a Worldlâ— Life to the suffering Life oâ— Jesus Christ TEach me O Lord that thiâ— sort of life is not the life of a Christian and that the end of Christ's Death and Incarnation was not to instate us in so delicate and effeminate a life as might gratifie sense and indulge the flesh and that all Moral Vertues are but dead Works unless enlivened by the Merits and Vertue of Jesus Christ That unless the inclinations of our hearts are changed it will nothing avail a sinner to reform his outward conversation to â—ate the World without love to God to do works of Justice without sincere Repentance and as the Royal Psalmist has it â—o cease from evil without doing good At the same time O Lord that thou destroyest my sinful Habits plant in my soul such Graces as may be fruitful to Good Works Grant that by a lively Faith I may meditate on the Mysteries of thy Life and Passion That my soul may be deeply affected with them and that it may be my greatest pleasure to contemplate those Sufferings which thou didst willingly undergo for my sake That beholding the Divine infant lying on the Straw and in a Manger the Treasures of Heaven vailed in the Poverty of the Earth I may contemn all those Riches which endure but for a moment and endeavour to obtain those incorruptible treasures which Moth and Ruct do not corrupt which will never fly away That the consideration of that private life in which thou wast pleased to disguise thy self from the eyes of the world may create in me a desire to be forgotten by it that I may retire and employ my self only in the great business of my salvation That rhe receiving of thy holy body and precious blood those sacred pledges of thy love which thou wast pleas'd to leave us when thou gavest thy life for our offences may produce in me a holy horrour at the consideration of the cause of thy Death and a detestation of all sin That I may rejoice and be exceeding glad when I shall be disgrac'd and contemned remembring my Saviour's humility who was set at nought by Herod and the Court where he never appear'd but once and then on purpose to be despised That those Scourges which rent thy Sacred Body those Thorns which pierced thy Precious Head may penetrate my callous heart render me truly penitent and willing for the love of thee to undergo all those rigours of Mortification and Self-denial which are requisite for the subduing of our Lusts In fine that the consideration of thy ignominious death on the Cross on which thou perfectest the work of my salvation in grief and misery may be my only hope REFLECT VII What the Hope of a Penitent Soul ought to be THis is the second Favour I desire of thee for the Merits of that precious Blood which trickled from thy Sacred Wounds and which thou didst offer to thy Eternal Father for the price of my Redemption That thou wouldst be pleas'd to give me a true hope in thy Mercies I say Lord a true hope because there is nothing more common than to abuse thy Mercy by making it an incouragement to sin more securely than for sinners to hope in thy goodness without so much as endeavouring
this World Have compassion on my indigence and inconstancy which divert me from any thing that is good and maugre the light of Faith render tll my good Works abortive O God who lovest us more than we can love our selves and who out of thy infinite goodness hast rescued me from a false hope by which I should have been flattered into final impenitence and thus hast sav'd me contrary to my own inclination Give me a solid hope in thy Divine Merits let me consider them as the only Object of my Trust and principally when the Devil tempts me to dispair and employs all his artifices by the interposition of my sins and frailties to eclipse the contemplation of thy Merits In this day of my affliction and distress O my God fix my eyes upon my blessed Saviour dying on the Cross for my sins and miserably torn by those furrows which the Scourges made upon his back Let me consider that thou didst endure all this to obtain pardon for my sins and to encourage me to the taking up of thy Cross upon which depends all my hopes of Salvation Let me contemplate in thy Sacred Wounds the right I a notorious sinner have to hope in thy Mercies Let the hope of a blessed Eternity and the immutability of thy Promises take off my Meditations from the vain and fleeting Enjoyments of this World which hinder my Soul from aspiring to Eternal Felicity For thou knowest O Lord how little stability there is in my best Desires and how speedily the impressions of thy Grace on my heart are defac'd by the vain Idea's of worldly pleasure How the hopes of some trifle some vain lust puffs up my Soul how the Honours and Applause of this World makes me giddy and drunk with the fumes of Vain-glory In fine Lord thou knowest much better than I my self how pliable I am to receive any impression of evil how averse to any â—hing which is good and how unstable in the ways of thy Commandments This is the reason O Lord â—hat I put no confidence in my self that my heart converts it self to thee in all its wants and â—n the day of adversity To thee O Lord who enlightenest the darkest recesses of my mind who possessest me with patience under the severest afflictions and art the Anchor of my Soul Here is Lord my Merit my Riches and my Refuge when the consideration of my wicked life terrifies me Here is Lord my comfort in this vale of Tears and Spiritual Warfare wherein my Soul is made the Scene of all sorts of passions In fine This makes me hope more than fear and rely on thy Mercies rather than dread of thy Justice Ah Lord since I know by experience that thou art a sure Help to those that trust in thee Teach me to relie upon thee in my greatest Extremities to rejoyce in thy Chastisements and to look upon them as marks of thy favour Assist me patiently to undergo them and assure me that thou wilt lay upon me no more than I am able to bear but wilt take thy Rod from me when it shall be conveucent for the health of my Soul Let me be fully assur'd that thy Grace will in thy good time remove all Obstacles which obstruct my Salvation that my Sufferings and the malice of my Enemies will have an end but that thy Mercies endure for ever that after I have fought the good fight here on Earth I shall receive a Crown of â—lory in Heaven for thou maâ—est the Rays of thy Grace to â—hine upon the just and the unâ—ust which at the same time â—elt down the humbe Soul into 〈◊〉 sincere repentance and harden â—he habitual and obdurate sinâ—er to the end that the one â—hould not be tempted to Presume or the other to Dispair â—ut all remain in a continual dependence upon thy Grace Let me not then O my God be in the number of those who will be astonished and confounded at the Great Day because they have rejected thy Grace for I cast my self wholly upon thy Mercy which is infinite and knows no bounds without any reserve or confidence in my own merits But O Lord because Faith and Hope and all other Vertues will avail me nothing without Charity because tho' I could remove Mountains and work all sorts of Miracles yet my works would be dead and sinful unless season'd by thy Love Give me therefore in the third place that Charity which is the Crown of all other Vertues and the Soul of our Good Works I would say Lord Give me a fervent and a faithful Love to thee whereby I shall easily overcome all seeming impossibilities and satisfie the thirst of my panting Soul after a sincere Conversion unto thee REFLECT XI She Prays to God for a New Heart inflam'd with his Love FOr a Foundation of that Miraculous Work which one very truly calls the chiefest Work of thy Grace Create in me O my God a New Heart a humble yet an resolute steady and couragious heart estranged from the World and its Vanities and in short a true Christian heart which may possess me with the love of thee enable me to expose my Life and Fortunes for the Confession of thy Name and render me Obedient to the Foolishness of the Cross in the midst of a crooked and perverse Generation amongst whom it is esteem'd a scandal to be Religious A heart which will love thee in the midst of the severest Tryals resisting the Concupiscence of the Flesh mortifying its corrupt Appetites and irregular Desires A heart which will love thee when I am call'd upon to evidence that love by loving my Enemies and returning them Good for Evil. A heart which for the love of thee will deny it self when there is any competition between the Creature and the Creatour which will silence all the importunities of Nature that it may become more obedient to the voice of thy Grace A heart which will love thee when it must suffer for it and will be content I should sacrifice my reputation and honour to thy Glory in imitation of thy humble Life and opprobrious Death upon the Cross A heart which for the love of thee will relinquish the favour of the Court prefer thy Service before the Splendour of my Family or whatsoever is most dear to me demonstrating hereby that my love to thee surpasses that of the World Lastly Grant O my God that 〈◊〉 may love thee not only for thy benefits when thou blessest me with prosperity and the abundance of good things in this World but also when I am in disgrace poverty or any other Affliction Learn me then to submit to the dispensations of thy Providence and become more conformable to thy Divine Will For O Lord what testimonies can I give thee of my love which will in the least answer thy love to me nay which are not infinitely surpass'd by those favours thou hast been pleased to confer upon me REFLECT XII If the Soul finds any thing in thâ—
who believe the Histories of Alexander and Caesar yet question that of Jesus Christ Who consider whether that Faith which was propagated by twelve poor Fishermen and confirm'd by an infinite number of Miracles wrought in the sight of all nations can now reasonably be call'd in question Who consider whether that Army of Martyrs who seal'd this Faith with their Blood are not a sufficient cloud of Witnesses to evince its Truth Who consider whether all those Prophesies in the Old Testament concerning the Coming and Kingdom of the Messiah which have been punctually accomplish'd ought to pass for Fables Who consider those incomprehensible Mysteries the Effects of the Omnipotent Grace of Jesus Christ and his infinite Love towards us his poor Creatures Lastly Who consider all God's wonderful Works upon their Souls that admirable Conduct which at the same enlightneth our Understandings by his Fatherly Corrections and preserves us which by his Divine Providence orders all things for some end best known unto himself and makes every thing tend to the welfare and advantage of his Elect. 'T is for these persons who having the clouds of their Understandings dispell'd by the light of these indubitable truths yet are presently blinded by the vanities of the World 't is for their Good as well as my own I consider That a Soul in this World without Prayer without reflection and without Reliance upon God's Providence is like a Ship in the midst of a Tempest without a Pilot like a Man who fancies himself wonderfully enlightned and yet is blinded with the thinkest Mists of Ignorance and Error He is like that person who fancies he knows God has Faith Hope and Charity and yet adores his Idol-passions he is like a Traveller in a strange Country without either Guide or Compass who the faster he walks the farther he wanders from his Home He is like that person who being tumbled into the bottom of a deep Pit yet will not make use of the Cord which is let down to draw him up Lastly He is like that foolish builder who endeavours to erect a Magnificent Pallace without a Foundation For how can he work out his Salvation who has not God in all his thoughts How can he observe his Laws and obey his Commandments who never thinks on them How can he bridle his Tongue and all his head-strong Passions without the assistance of God's Grace And how can he obtain this Grace who will not be at the pains to ask it How can he avoid falling into Despair who goes on in a sinful course of life which he knows will end in the Damnation of his Soul Who either uses the most preposterous means imaginable to quiet his Conscience that is by putting out of his mind the thoughts of another Life an Eternity and a God or else doth not place his trust in him In fine How can he be a good Christian and love Jesus Christ who does not know him does not consider that he dy'd for us does not meditate on his Life his Actions or his Holy Gospel REFLECT XXIII She desires of God the Gift of Prayer that she may make Death Eternity and God's Judgments the Subject of it which are the proper means to season our Souls with the Fear of God AH Lord since I am convinc'd that Prayer which is nothing but the lifting up of our Souls unto thee our continual endeavour to pluck down the strong-holds of Satan and establish the Kingdom of Jesus Christ is so easie so necessary and so Profitacle a Duty Since I am assured by thy Holy Word and the Examples of Holy Men that 't is a floating plank which will bear up my Soul in all the storms of this life and convey it safe into the blessed Haven of Eternity that is to the Heavenly Jerusalem which is above where all tears shall be wiped away from our eyes and we shall enjoy those pleasures which are at thy right-hand for evermore Give me an earnest Desire and Delight in Praying to thee let it be as pleasant and familiar as ever the Vanities of the World have been for which I have so often hazarded the Salvation of my Soul But since Death is the end of all things and the most profitable Subject of our Meditations Grant O my God that I may daily consider my last end when to speak in the Words of the Holy Scripture my breath goeth forth I return to the earth and in that very day my thoughts perish That Time which will come like a Thief in the Night and seize upon our Souls That Time after which there will be no more space for Repentance That Time for which we ought to be prepared all the days of our life that we may not be surprised thereby That Time on which depends the Happiness or Misery of our Souls to all Eternity O Death how dreadful are thy Approaches to those persons who never thought of thee who placed all their Happiness in the Goods of this World O Death how terrible art thou to those men unto whom thou art the end of their Happiness and the beginning of their Sorrows In short By which they are deprived of all the Enjoyments of this World of that Body which they so much Idoliz'd of a Voluptuous Life and the gratification of their Inordinate Appetites I say How terrible art thou to those who never knew God but only to offend him But then how much more amazing is the Contemplation of Eternity to those men who never pursu'd any other Happiness but what this life affords who never thought of Repentance and forsaking their sins until they were unable to pursue their Lusts and rendred incapable to receive the impressions of any other Passion but Fear O Eternity Eternity how exquisitely Tormenting are the thoughts of thee to that person who beholds Hell ready to receive him for the punishment of their sins who dares not Hope in God's Mercy but would think himself sufficiently happy could he but have the same end with the Beasts that perish And finally O Eternity How dreadful are the thoughts of thee to that person who at his last hour finds that he cannot Love God and yet cannot chuse but Fear him But O blessed Eternity how comfortable art thou to that person who has led a good Life and mortifi'd his Corruptions in this World To a Sinner who is Converted has Repented of his Sins and has a good Foundation of Hope in thy Mercy To him who is accustomed to die daily and has forsaken the World and its Vanities before he is compelled to it by the unalterable Law of Nature In fine to him who sincerely loves God and enjoys in this life the earnest of Eternal Happiness REFLECT XXIV That she will every Day offer up unto God the Sacrifice of Thanksgiving for opening her Eyes and converting her unto himself That she will Write down these Resolutions which she made at the time of her Conversion to the end that she may be always
who art terrible only to stubborn and impenitent Offenders let not my Ingratitude divert the benign designs of thy Mercy unto my Soul let not that sickness by which thou didst intend to awaken me and bring me nearer to thy self harden my heart and fill up the measure of my sins Let not the return of my Life and Health bring along with it those Vicious Habits and that Inordinate Love of the Pomps and Vanities of the World which I so passionately renounc'd when the Terrors of Death were upon me when the Sight of my Sins and the Torments of Hell made all my Joints tremble and my Knees smite together Deliver me also from my self O my God from that natural inclination of my Will to all that is Evil and that aversion to Good which from time to time prevails with me to put off my Repentance Make thy Arm bear and break asunder those Bonds which unite my Affections too close to the Creature and engage me too earnestly in the love of my self Hear me when I cry unto thee for fresh supplys of thy Mercy and redeem me from the vain conversation of the World But above all let that Grace that Love that Bounty with which I am almost overwhelmed kindly operate upon my Soul and after they have made me sensible how much a stranger my heart is to those Resolutions which the Terror of thy approaching Judgments extorted from me then let them accomplish those Gracious Purposes for which they were sent by thy Indulgent Providence Lastly Let not the hardness of my heart constrain thy Mercy to give place to Justice let it not render thy Fatherly Corrections ineffectual or provoke thee to leave me to my self and give me up to my Unmortifi'd Affections Grant me with Tears I beseech thee Grant me thy Love for without it I have no Strength no Merit and by its assistance I shall be able to surmount all the Difficulties which obstruct my Conversion and to persevere to the end in the Way of thy Commandments REFLECT XV. What kind of Life that Person ought to lead who is under a Necessity of Conversing much in the World that 't is her Duty to resist whatsoever is contrary to the Commands of Jesus Christ ENlighten the Faculties of my Soul O my God with that Divine Love which will shew me the vanity of these transient Enjoyments and enable me patitenly to bear my DISGRACEFUL BANISHMENT Imprint in my Mind such lively Idaea's of thy Mercy and such grateful Resentments of thy Benefits as may be always before my eyes and produce a real change in my heart a sure sign of my amendment by thy healthful Corrections Let a Good Life be the effect of my earnest desires to give my self up to thee let me chuse to die a thousand times rather than offend thee and let me be found at thy coming amongst those Wise Virgins who have trimm'd their Lamps with Good Works And tho' for the most part those persons who would pass from one Extream to another in a Moment from the most degenerate Debauchery to the highest Pitch of Devotion are unsuccessful in their endeavours and finish nothing because they undertake too much yet I cannot give bounds to my desires I cannot but wish to love thee as much as I am able 't is this which above all things I thirst after and to this end I beseech thee Enliven my Impotent Endeavours with thy Grace I will not defer my Repentance O my God until the Night of thy Justice overtakes me when no man can work but I will be up and be doing as soon as ever the day of thy Grace springs from on high and endeavour to work out my Salvation I will not ask councel of my Lusts or deliberate with my self whether 't is time to forsake my vicious conversation and become a new creature Nor am I so vain as to think my self capable of great matters For I am conscious of my own Wants my Sluggishness and my inconstancy and therefore with eyes lift up to Heaven I patiently expect the dawning of thy love and the gentle influences of thy Grace upon my soul I will begin to magnifie thy Mercies amongst those who maintain a continual Trafick of Sin and Vanity with whom my Discourse us'd to be about Riches Honours Pleasures and Prosperity I will declare to those persons who worship nothing but their Interest that thou art my God the only Object of my Adoration that in the enjoyment of thy Favour consists all my Riches my Grandeur and my Happiness that all I have is in thy hands and that when thou hast consummated the Great Work of my Conversion I shall be more happy than if I had Conquer'd all the Kingdoms of the World I will forsake that frothy and effeminate Company with whom I have lost so much precious time which I will endeavour to redeem by convincing them that the unprofitable vain and idle course of life which they look upon as their Priviledge will destroy the health of their Everlasting Souls If I cannot attain to be Eminently Religious I will endeavour to be as good as I can if I cannot produce the testmonies of an ardent Affection I will dedicate to thee my Infant Love if my Faith is not so Active as that of the humble Centurian which inclined thee to give a present return unto his Prayers yet I will take advice of thy Ministers and with united Prayers Implore the Augmentation of it That I may live up to those Religious Principles which thou hast planted in my Soul I will dread the Company of those debauch'd Wretches who glory in their Wickedness and as the Holy Scripture speaks have not God in all their thoughts Yea Lord I will break off all engagements with those profess'd Libertines whose society instilis Irreligion into our Minds and is a blemish to the most unspotted Reputation who puff us up with such an opinion of our selves as justly merits the desertion of thy grace and guild over their Monstrous Vices with the specious Names of good Nature and Honour Tho' their Persons and Humour may be agreeable to me yet I am resolv'd faithfully to perform these Vows which I have made unto thee O my God and that henceforwards I will not maintain any strict Correspondence Familiarity or Friendship with them For certainly the hating of those who hate thee is but a small acknowledgment of thy infinite love REFLECT XVI That she should associate her self with those persons who truly fear God and that she ought not to entangle her self again in those things which the World calls State Riches Fortune and Grandeur O Lord in whose hands are the hearts of men and who turnest them whether soever thou pleasest change the inclinations of my Soul and sanctifie my Love that in the choice of my Friends I may regard more thy Grace than any Natural Endowments rather the edifying of my self and the seasoning my heart with thy holy Truths than