and welfare of a poor humble Husband come and play at Cribach with her to day for she loves Cribach most intemperately I do wonder that a Woman should love Gaming so Rains Faith I am half ingag'd Bisk. For Heavens sake as you love me do not deny me I shall have no quiet with her besides some Cheapside Neighbours of mine are to have a Game at Bowls and a merry meeting this Afternoon and she wishes the Waters may ne're go through her if she 'll give me leave to go to 'em unless I bring you to her to keep her Company and sing and play at Cards with her therefore dear Mr. Rains Wood. This is beyond all Example Rains Well there is not in Nature so tame and inoffensive a Beast as a London Cuckold I 'le say that for him Aside Wood. Prethee Iack do not refuse to go to my Cousin for a little Strumpet Rains I cannot be so inhumane to refuse a Husband that invites me to his own Wife alone Mr. Bisket Bisk. Come good Sir I thank you for this favour a thousand times my Wife will be in a very good humour to day Sir Rains Go before I 'le follow you and carry her this Kiss from me Bisk. I thank you Sir I 'le carry it her poor Rogue she 'll be overjoy'd but pray don't stay long Exit Bisket Enter a Boy with a Letter Boy Are Mr. Rains and Mr. Bevil here Bev. Yes we two are they Boy Here 's a Letter for you Wood. How now Gentlemen what an Assignation to both of you Rains Upon my life Ned 't is from the Ladies Reads You two have injur'd a couple of Gentlemen that will expect you with your Swords in your hands at eleven in a Field on the North-side of the Church If you sail you shall not fail of being posted 'Till you meet us you shall not know our names but know that we are worth the meeting c. Bev. This is a business of another nature Rains Rains We must to Tilts and Turnaments Ned sure they are the Bullies we saw just now Bev. From whom did you bring this Boy Boy From a couple of Gentlemen in Buff Belts Red Coats and Shammey Breeches Rains 'T is from them sure they 'l not fight Bev. But we must try whether they will or no tell 'em we 'll not fail Boy I shall Sir Exit Boy Rains I have a business of another nature to dispatch Ned I 'll meet before eleven at your lodging Bev. I have just such another business too but I 'll not fail to meet you But how can you relish Mrs. Bisket after the Lady you saw this morning Rains I am not sure of her I saw this morning besides if I were is it reasonable that a man that has a good stomack should refuse Mutton to day because he expects Quails to morrow but how can you in conscience think of Concupiscence when for ought you know we may venture our lives within two hours Bev. Since for ought I know my life may be in danger I 'll make use on 't while it is not Rains Adieu Woodly let 's meet on the Bowlingâ—green in the afternoon Ex. Rains Wood. You are happy men Gentlemen but I am going to visit one that I love more than my eyes and would give both of them to enjoy Bev. Aside That 's not his own Wife I shall be safe enough there I have an engagement too and must leave you Wood. Adieu we 'll meet about five Bev. Agreed Ex. Bevil Wood. Now for my dear Carolina Thus all the world by several ways does move But all the Mighty business ends in love Exit ACT II. SCENE I. Enter Clodpate Lucia and Carolina Luc. PRethee stay with me that I may be no longer pester'd with this Country Coxcomb Caro. Would'st thou have me so barbarous to interrupt Lovers Luc. He a Lover yes of a clear Title in his next Purchase his Dapple Mare a dear year of Corn or so Caro. Come he has as violent a substantial country passion for you as one would wish and I will leave you to him Luc. You mischievous creature I 'll be reveng'd on you Exit Carolina Clodp. If my propositions be not reasonable â—'ll ne'r pretend to serve my Country more Luc. A prety Country to be serv'd by such fellows Aside Clodp. In that noble Brick-house moted round with Turrets and â—ine things that I now spoke of in the best hunting Country in Europe with a thousand pounds a year will I joynture you Luc. 'T is not profit but honour I respect and I have vow'd never to Marry one that cannot make me a Lady and you are no Knight Clodp. A Knight no I thank you why I have known a Fishmonger Knighted Knigthhood's a prety bawble for a fellow to play with that is no Gentleman But what needs he that is a Gentleman desire to be more Luc. But methinks the name of Clodpate does not sound well without a title Clodp. I thank you heartily my name is now Hugh Clodpate and I should give two or three hundred pounds to add three letters to it Sir Hugh Clodpate no no I can't make so much on 't again Luc. Oh a Knight is such a thing Clodp. Such a thing has he more hands or legs or more brains than another man Luc. But if I could be content without being a Lady I have vow'd to spend all my life in London Clodp. Pox on her live in London did she say Aside to her Death have you vow'd to live in London say you Luc. Yes is that so wonderful why people do really live no where else they breath and move and have a kind of insipid dull being but there is no life but in London Clodp. London that sink of sin Luc. I believe there is no Village but sins as much in proportion to the bigness only your Country sins are something the more block-headed sins Clopd Madam give me leave to ask you one question Luc. You may Clodp. Do you resolve to live honest Luc. 'T is a familiar question you had need to ask my leave first Clodp. Why you may as reasonably expect to preserve your health in a Pest-house as your Chastity in that damn'd lascivious Town Luc. You are rude Sir Clodp. Come Madam plain dealing is a jewel But can you prefer an idle scandalous London-life before a prety innocent huswifely-life in the Country to look to your Family and visit your Neighbours Luc. To see my Ducks and Geese fed and cram my own Chickens Clodp. Ay. Luc. To have my Closet stink like a Pothecaries shop with Drugs and Medicines to administer to my sick Neighbours and spoil the next Quacks practice with the receipt book that belongs to the family Clodp. Very well Luc. And then to have one approv'd Green-salve and dress sore legs with it and all this to deserve the name of as good a neighbourly body as ever came into Sussex Clodp. Very good Luc. Never to hear a Fiddle but
such as sounds worse than the Tongs and Key or a Gridiron never to read better Poetry than Iohn â—opkins or Robert Wisdoms vile Metre nor hear better singing than a company of Peasants praising God with doleful untunable hoarce voices that are only fit to be heard under the Gallows Clodp. However you make bold with the Country be not prophane Is not this better than any thing in that stinking Town Luc. Stinking Town I had rather be Countess of Puddle-dock than Queen oâ— Sussex Clodp. Oh foh but ah the excellent fresh air upon the Downs Luc. So there 's fresh air in a Wilderness if one could be content with Bears and Wolves for her companions But Sir in short I am resolv'd to live at London and at or very near the Court too Clodp. S'death the Court I shall not only be Câ—ckolded but lose all my true Country interest Madam I beg your pardon I shall take my leave I am not cut out for a Londoner or a Courtier fare you well good Madam though I like your person prety well I like not your conditions I 'd not Marry a London Cherubin Luc. Farewel Sir but I 'le not be wholly ungrateâ—ul for the address you have honoured me with know then my friend Carolina is the most averse to London and most infatuated with the love of the Country Clodp. Ud's bud infatuated pray change that word if you please Luc. You know my meaning by it she and I are parting because she will not with patience hear of returning to London she calls it nothing but vain obscene wicked filthy Popish place Clodp. Ha! how 's this I did not think she had so much sense Aside Luc. She often says she had rather marry a Country Justice of five hundred pounds a year than a man of five thousand pounds a year in London Nay than a Duke at Court Clodp. Aside She 's an ingenuous woman Guds-sooks I had rather marry her naked than you with all your portion Madam To her But a Pox on 't I had damn'd ill luck to make my application to you first as the Devil would have it Luc. This is a very Country Courtier Here she comes let 's withdraw I will tell you more and we 'll consult about this business Clod. Your servant Madam Exeunt Clodpate Lucia Enter Carolina and Woodly Wood. How can you mistrust a man in so credible a thing Caro. As what Wood. As that he would love the pretiest sweetest dearest creature he ever saw Caro. So far from that I believe he will love all the pretyest sweetest dearest Creatures as he calls 'em that he ever shall see but you have paid that tribute already to vertuous Madam Woodly and are Marry'd Wood. I am so and there 's the less danger in my love I should else be tempting you to accept me for better for worse till death us depart c. Now Madam take my heart upon its good behaviour as much as you have use on and the rest again and no hurt done Caro. Where there are so many free why should I venture upon a heart with so manifest a flaw in the title as a Marry'd mans Wood. Faith there are none without their incumbrances your fashionable Spark has his Miss in the Play-house your Ladies eldest Son his Mothers Chamber-maid The Country Gentleman his Tennants Daughter A handsom young fellow that is to make his fortune sâ—me elderly Sinner that keeps him fine so that Marriage is the least engagement of all for that only points out where a man cannot love Caro. Since Marriage obliges men so little and women so much I wonder we endure the cheat on 't Wood. Y' are in the right 't is worse than cross I win pile you lose but there are some left that can love upon the square Caro. A woman may be undone upon the square as well as a Gamester if she ventures too much Wood. Never so long as you play for nothing but what you have about you and upon my honour I would engage you no deeper at this time 't is tick and after reckonings that ruine Lovers as well as Gamesters and gad if you mistrust me I am ready to make stakes and because y' are a young beginner I 'le play three to one Caro. Not so fast good Sir you 'l make me quit the few good thoughts I had of you if you persist Wood. Persist in loving you I must till death but the method and ceremonies I leave to you to prescribe I guess'd you would not care for a whining Lover Caro. Nor do I care for one in your extreamity the other way Wood. Take your choice I can make love from the stiff formal way of the year 42. to the gay brisk way of this present day and hour Caro. Since I suppose it is for diversion pray let me see how that is Wood. Look you thus Sings dances and combs his Peruque Caro. Is this it why you don't mind me Wood. I mind my self though and make you fall in love with me after a careless way by the by Caro. When do you begin Wood. Begin why I am at it all this while Sings and Dances again Now have at you these Breasts are not hard to speak on no nor this Neck white nor those Eyes black Lord how you look to day that ever a man should love such a Creature what will you give me for a piece when y' are mother of the maids Caro. Must I answer you like a Lady of the times too Wood. Ay by all means Madam Caro. This Mr. Woodly is the strangest man he wou'd make one dye to hear him I vow ha ha ha Wood. Lord what a set of teeth you shew when you laugh if they were mine I 'd pull 'em out sure your breath can't be sweet let me see Offers to kiss her Caro. Well I vow your a pleasant man but you go too fast Wood. For your Lover of the last Age I grant you but the World is well mended since fair Ladies and fortified Towns yield upon easier terms now a-days Offers to kiss her agen Now I see you dare not stand the tryal 't is e'en so I 'le be hang'd if you han't crooked Legs too Offers to lift up her Coats Caro. I had rather you should think so than take the pains to satisfie you but I vow you 'd make one burst you have such a way with you ha ha ha Wood. I hate to live in doubt you have a pretty Face but an ill Breath and crooked Legs Gad are insufferable Caro. Is this your new way I have enough on 't no more drinking my health in a Beer-glass and quarrelling with the man that can't pledge Scribling your passion in Glass-windows and wearing my Colours continually I can better endure but now I talk of scribling divert me a little better and give me the Song you promis'd me Wood. I have taught it your Woman who I conceive has something a better voice than I she 's
are you here you 're punctual are your new Gallants come yet Perhaps I may guess right Aside Caro. What Gallants Wood. Nay perhaps it may be a mistake but I was told by 5 or 6 Gentlemen upon Clay-Hill that you were to meet with Rains and Bevil privately this night here in Mawses Garden that 's all Caro. O base perfidious men Luc. We meet ' em Wood. Why did you think it had been a secret so is a Proclamation they themselves have bragg'd on 't Caro. Do they already boast of our easiness vile men Well I see we must condemn our selves to the conversation of dull sober Fools Luc. Or which is as bad confine our selves to the impertinence of our own Sex Wood. I proffer'd to day to bring Rains acquainted with you Cousin but he refus'd it and said he would not marry you for his own sake nor lie with you for mine and that a man had no excuse for himself that visited a Woman without design of lying with her one way or other Luc. Oh Impudence Wood. They are men of wit and good company but not so fit for young Ladies that love reputation but I hope my Cousin is not so intimate with Rains as you are with Bevil Madam Caro. I intimate with him what mean you Wood. You are pleasant Madam I mean she does not meet him alone as you do Bevil Caro. Had he the impudence to say this or have you so little honour to believe the words of a vain idle fellow Wood. But I must believe my eyes did I not see you with him mask'd and speak to you by the same token you fell into a swound at the surprize Caro. You are mad Sir or would make me so Wood. To shew you I am not mad there 's the Note you wrote to Bevil Caro. That I wrote Heaven Lucia do you hear what Monsters of men our ill fate or your worse Conduct have thrown us upon Let 's in and read this Note Lucia How am I amazed Wood. All this confidence won't clear her with me I know Woman-kind too well Exeunt Enter Rains and Bevil Rains Lucia and Carolina are slipt into the House or some Arbour I see a Hackney Coach for they resolv'd not to bring their own Bev. Death that we lewd young fellows shou'd be catch'd thus I ne're had any love yet that I could not satisfie with Gold or wash away with Burgundy but to be content to leave all the numerous Ladies of the Game in London for two that on my conscience are foolishly honest Rains But by your leave Bevil London is overstock'd with Wenches that like too many Hares in a Hare-Warren they cross our hunting and we can make no work on 't the difficulty of finding is one part of the Game Bev. I love these Women the more for declaring against Fools contrary to most of their Sex Rains I hate a woman that 's in love with a fulsom Coxcomb she 's a foul feeder and I can no more have an appetite to her when I think of her diet than to a tame Duck when I think it feeds on Toads Bev. Well I love Carolina beyond all sense of modesty so much that I am resolv'd if she will to turn recreant and marry her let what will be the consequence Rains To forbear pleasing our selves to day for fear of being troubled to morrow were to adjourn life and never to live Bev. I am sure of the present pleasure and but venture the future pain Rains But I am resolved to venture though the Gallies were the consequence Bev. And I too I will live 50 years in that one night I first enjoy her and care not if I were to be a Slave all the rest of my life Yonder I believe they are Enter Carolina and Lucia Caro. Ungrateful men Luc. 'T is not too late to retreat from this adventure Bev. Ladies your humble Servant I see you are to be trusted Caro. But you are not you treacherous ungrateful men Bev. How 's this Madam Luc. Your infamous dealing with us exceeds all barbarousness Indians and Cannibals would have us'd us better Rains What mean they do you think Madam we would eat you we have a pleasanter way of using Ladies Luc. Do you make our anger your mirth Caro. It may thank our selves to trust such perfidious men Bev. You amaze us you are just declaring War when we thought to have concluded a Peace with you Caro. Avoid our sight thou vain man Luc. And take thy lewd Companion with thee Rains Ladies you have so much wit that I cannot think you are in earnest Bev. Our love is not so dull that it needs to be spurr'd with anger Rains I hope this is only to make us relish your kindness the better Anger is a Sawce to Love as Sickness is to Health Bev. For my part I love so violently that every look of yours charms me your anger pleases I am in love with your frowns Caro. It seems so you wou'd not else so justly have provok'd ' em Rains 'T is some honour Madam to be thought worth your anger I cou'd never be angry with those I despis'd Luc. But you shall find I can Let 's leave 'em Carolina Exit Lucia Rains Death this is madness I 'le not leave you so Exit Rains Caro. I write Letters and make private appointments with you perfidious man to blast my reputation thus Bev. This is Mrs. Woodly's malice Aside Pray hear me Madam Caro. No Sir Farewell Enter Woodly as they are going out Wood. There go Bevil and Carolina Ex. Bev. and Carolina Now jealousie assist me I may o'rehear something 't is not so like a Gentleman but 't is like a wise and jealous Lover I 'le follow Exit Woodly Enter Mrs. Woodly at the door on the right hand of the Stage Mrs. Wood. I long to hear what my information has wrought upon ' em Mischief enough I hope Enter Bevil and Carolina at the door on the left hand at which Mrs. Woodly starts back and conceals her self Here are the two who I am most concern'd in 't is dark and I shall easily conceal my self Woodly enters a little after Bevil and Carolina and stands close Caro. Why do you follow me thus far begone inhumane Creature Mrs. Wood. Oh it works â—inely Bev. Hear me but one word if you condemn me then I will owne my self the Rascâ—l you speak of Caro. What can you say in defence of your treachery I write Notes to you Bev. I know who is my Accuser and the reason of my Accusation Caro. Who is your Accuser besides your self Bev. I have had the misfortune to be pursu'd by the love and jealousie of a Woman cholerick haughty and revengeful Mrs. Woodly I am sure she is my Accuser Mrs. Wood. Heaven what says the Villain I will tear him in pieceâ— Wood. Death Hell and the Devil the love of my Wife But I will hear further Caro. Is this possible Bev. 'T is true I assure you