the King contrary to the Law Esth. 4.16 I thought also of Benhadad's servants who went with ropes upon their heads to their Enemies for mercy 1 Kin. 20.31 c. the woman of Canaan also that would not be daunted though called dog by Christ Mat. 15.22 c. and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. were great encouragements unto me 206. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love and mercy as I saw after this temptation great sins do draw out great grace and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ when shewed to the Soul appears most high and mighty When Job had passed thorow his captivity he had twice as much as he had before Job 42.10 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of but I would be brief and therefore shall at this time omit them and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend lest they also be made to bear the iron yoak as I. 207. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lords dealings with me of his dealings with me at sundâ—y other seasons and of the temptations I then did meet withall I shall begin vvith vvhat I met vvith vvhen I first did joyn in fellowship vvith the People of God in Bedford After I had propounded to the Church that my desire vvas to vvalk in the Order and Ordinances of Christ vvith them and vvas also admitted by them vvhile I thought of that blessed Ordinance of Christ vvhich vvas his last Supper vvith his Disciples before his death that Scripture Do this in remembrance of me Luk. 22.19 was made a very precious word unto me for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins and as I then felt did as if he plunged me in the vertue of the same But behold I had not been long a partaker at that Ordinance but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein both to blaspheme the Ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts I was forced to bend my self all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies and also to cry to God to bless the Bread and Cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth The reason of this temptation I have thought since was because I did not with that reverence at first approach to partake thereof 208. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year and could never have rest nor ease but at last the Lord came in upon my Soul with that same Scripture by which my Soul was visited before and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed Ordinance and have I trust therein discerned the Lords Body as broken for my sins and that his pâ—ecious Blood had been shed for my transgressions 209. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a Consumption wherefore about the Spring I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man insomuch that I thought I could not live Now began I afresh to give my self up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future and of my Evidences for that blessed world to come For it hath I bless the name of God been my usual course as alwayes so especially in the day of affliction to endeavour to keep my interest in Life to come clear before mine eye 210. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my Soul but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction namely my deadness dulness and coldness in holy Duties my wandrings of heart my wearisomness in all good things my want of love to God his wayes and people with this at the end of all Are these the fruits of Christianity are these the tokens of a blessed man 211. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me for now was I sick in my inward man my Soul was clog'd with guilt now also was all my former experience of Gods goodness to me quite taken out of my mind and hid as if it had never been nor seen Now was my Soul greatly pinched between these two considerations Live I must not Die I dare not now I sunk and fell in my Spiâ—it and was giving up all for lost but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woful state that word of God took hold of my heâ—rt Ye are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus Rom. 3.24 212. Now was I as one awakened out of some trouâ—lesome sleep and dream and listening to this heavenly sentence I was as if I heard it thus expounded to me Sinner thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy Soul but bâ—hold my Son is by me and upon him I look and not on tâ—ree and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him at this I was greatly lightened in my mind and made to understand that God could justifie a Sinner at any time it was but looking upon Christ and imputing of his benefits to us and the work was forthwith done 213. And as I was thus in a muse that Scripture came with great power upon my Spirit Not by works of righteousness that we have done but according to his mercy he saved us c. 2 Tim. 1 9. Tit. 3.5 now was I got on high I saw my self within the arms of Grace and Mercy and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour yet now I câ—ied Let me die now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other World O methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above at this time also I saw more in those words Heirs of God Rom. 8.17 then ever I shall be able to expâ—ess while I live in this world Heirs of God! God himself is the portion of the Saints this I saw and wondered at but cannot tell you what I saw 214. At another time though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life I was also so over-run in my Soul with a senceless heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my Soul to move or stir after grace and life
hath been made upon it 249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts but want saving-Grace they are in the hand of Christ as the Cymbal in the hand of David and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chuâ—ch yet when he hath done all hang them by as lifeless though sounding Cymbals 250. This consideration therefore together with some others were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass is it so much to be a Fiddle hath not the least Creature that hath life more of God in it than these besides I knew 't was Love should never die but these must cease and vanish So I concluded a little Grace a little Love a little of the true Fear of God is better then all these Gifts Yea and I am fully convinced of it that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge can deliver themselves like Angels A brief Account of the Authors Imprisonment 251. HAving made profession of the glorious Gospel of Christ along time and had preached the same about five year I was apprehended at a Meeting of good People in the Countrey amongst whom had they let me alone I should â—â—ve preached that day but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a Justice who after I had offered security for my appearing at the next Sessions yet committed me becâ—use my Sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people 252. At the Sessions after I was indicted for an Upholder and Maintainer of unlawful Assemblies and Conventicles and for not conforming to the National Woâ—ship of the Church of England and after some conference there with the Justices was sentenced to perpetual banishment because I refused to Conform So being again delivered â—p to the Goalers hands I was had home to Prison again and there have lain now above five year and a quarter waiting to see what God will suffer these mâ—n to do with me 253. In which condition I have continued wiâ—h much content thorow Grace but have met with many tuâ—nings and goiâ—gs upon my heart both fâ—om the Lord Satan and my own corruptions by all which glory be to Jesus Christ I have also received among many things much conviction instruction and understanding of which at laâ—ge I shall not here discourse onely give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the Godly to bless God and to pray for me and also to take encouraâ—ement shouâ—d the case be their own Not to fear what man can do unto them 254. I never had in all my life so great an inleâ— into the Word of God as now them Scrâ—ptures that I saw nothing in before are made in this place and state to shine upon me Jesus Christ alâ—o was never more reâ—l and apparent then now here I have seen him and felt him indeed O that word We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables 2 Pet. 1 16. and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave him glory that your faith and hope might be in God 1 Pet. 1.20 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition 255. These three or four Scriptures also have been great refreshment in this condition to me Joh. 14.1 2 3 4. Joh. 16.33 Col. 3.3 4. Heb. 12.22 23 24. So that sometimes when I have been in the favour of them I have been able to laugh at destruction and â—o fear neiâ—her the Horse nor his Rider I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world O the Mount Zion the heavenly Jerusalem the innumerable company of Angels and God the Judge of all and the Spirits of just men made perfect and Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place I have seen that here that I am perswaded I shall never while in this world be able to express I have seen a truth in that Scripture Whom having not seen ye love in whom though now ye see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1.8 256. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every offer of Satan c. as I have found him since I came in hither for look how fears have presented themselves so have supports and encouragements yea when I have started even as it were at nothing else but my shadow yet God as being very tender of me hath not suffered me to be molested but would with one Scripture and another stâ—engthen me against all insomuch that I have often said Were it lawful I could pray for greater trouble for the greater comforts sake Eccles. 7.14 2 Cor. 1.5 257. Before I came to Prison I saw what was a coming and had especially two Considerations wâ—rm upon my heart the first was How to be able to endure should my imprisonment be lonâ— and tedious the second was How to be able to encounter death should that be here my portion For the first of these that Scripture Col. 1.11 was great information to me namely to pray to God to be strengthened with all might according to his glorious power unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned but for not so little as a year together this Sentence of sweet Petition would as it were thrust it self into my mind and perswade me that if ever I would go thorow long-suffering I must have all patience especially if I would endure it joyfully 258. As to the second Consideration that Saying 2 Cor. 1.9 was of great use unto me But we had the sentence of death in our selves that we might not trust in our selves but in God that raiseth the dead by this Scripture I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life even to reckon my Self my Wife my Children my health my enjoyments and all as dead to me my self as dead to them 259. The second was to live upon God that is invisible as Paul said in another place The way not to faint is to look not at the things that are seen but at the things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but the things that are not seen they
are eternal and thus I reasoned with my self If I provide onely for a prison then the whip comes at unawares and so does also the pillory again if I provide onely for these then I am not fit for banishment further if I conclude that banishment is the worst then if death come I am surprized so that I see the best way to go thorow sufferings is to trust in God thorow Christ as touching the world to come and as touching this world to count the grave my house to make my bed in darkness to say to Corrupâ—ion Thou art my Father and to the Worm Thou art my Mother and Sister that is to familiarize these things to me 260. But notwithstanding these helps I found my self a man and compassed with infirmities the parting with my Wife and poor Children hath oft been to me in tâ—is place as the pulling the flesh from my bones and that not onely because I am somewhat too too fond of these great mercies but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hardships miseâ—ies and wants that my poor family was like to meet with should I be taken from them especially my poor blind Child who lay neaâ—er my heart than all I had besides O the thoughts of the harâ—ship I thought this might go under would break my heart to pieces 261. Poor Child thought I what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world thou must be â—eaten must beg suffer hunger cold nakedness and a thousand calamities though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee but yet recalling my self thought I I must venture you all with God though it goeth to the quick to leave you O I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his Wife and Children yet thought I I must do it I must do it and now I thought of those two milch Kine that were to carry the Ark of God into another Country and to leave their Calves behind them 1 Sam. 6.10 11 12. 262. But that which helped me in this temptation was divers considerations of which thâ—ee in special here I will name the first was the consideration of those two Scriptures Leave thy fatherless children I will preserve them alive and let thy â—idows trust in me and again The Lord said Verily it shall go well with thy remnant verily I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil c. 263. I had also this consideration that â—f I should now venture all for God I engaged God to take care of my concernments but if I forsook him and his ways for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine then I should not only falsifie my profession but should count also that my conceâ—nments were not so sure if left at Gods feet while I stood to and for his Name as they would be if they were under my own tuition though with the denial of the way of God This was a smarting consideration and was as spurs unto my flesh that Scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me where Christ pâ—ays against Judas that God wouâ—d disappoint him in all his selfish thoughts which moved him to sell his Master Pray read it soberly Psal. 109.6 7 8 c. 264. I had also another consideration and that was The dread of the torments of Hell which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of the Cross do shrink from their profession of Christ his Word and Laws â—efore the sons of men and of the glory that he had prepared for those that in faith and love and patience stood to his ways before them These things I say have helped me when the thoughts of the misery that both my self and mine might for the sake of my profession be exposed to hath lain pinching on my mind 265. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my Profesâ—ion then I have thought of that Scripture They were stoned they were sawn asunder were tempted were slain with the sword they wandered about in sheep-skins and goat-skins being destitute afflicted tormented of whom the world was not worthy for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them I have also thought of that saying The holy Ghost witnesseth in every city that bonds and afflictions abide me I have veâ—ily thought that my Soul and it have sometimes reasoned about the sore sad estate of a banished and exiled condition how they are exposed to hunger to cold to perils to nakedness to enemies and a thousand calamities and at last it may be to die in a diâ—ch like a poor forlorn and desolate sheep But I thank God hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings but have rather by them more approved my heart to God 266. I will tell you oâ— a pretty business I was once above all the rest in a very faâ—t and low condition for many weeks at which time also I being but a young Prisoner and not acquâ—inted with the Laws had this lay much upon my spirit That my imprisonment might end at the Gallows for ought that I could tell now therefore Satan said hard at me to beat me out of heart by suggesting thus unto me But how if when you come indeed to die you should be in this condition that is as not to savour the things of God not to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul. 267. Wherefore when I at first began to think of this it was a great trouble to me for I thought with my self that in the condition I now was in I was not fit to die neither indeed did think I could if I should be called to it besides I thought with my self if I should make a scrabling shifâ— to clamber up the Ladder yet I should either with quaking or other symptoms of faintings give occaâ—ion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and his People for their timerousness this therefore lay with great trouble upon me for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face and tottering knees for such a Cause as this 268. Wherefore I prayed to God that he would coâ—fort me and give me strength to do and suffer what he should call me to yet no comfort appear'd but all continued hid I was also at this time so really possessed with the thought of death that oft I was as if I was on the Ladder with the Rope about my neck onely this was some encouragement to me I thought I might have now an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude which I thought would come to see me die and thought I if it must be so if God will but convelt one Soul by my very last words I shall for count my life thrown away nor lost
Servant for I had not preached long before some began to be touched by the Word and to be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin and of tâ—eir need of Jesus Christ. 226. But I at first could not believe that God should speak by me to the heart of any man still counting my self unworthy yet those who thus were touched vvould love me and have a peculiar respect for me and though I did put it from me that they should be awakened by me still they would confess it and affirm it before the Saints of God they would also bless God for me unvvorthy Wretch that I am aâ—d count me Gods Instrument that shevved to them the Way of Salvation 227. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so constant also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ rejoycing that ever God did send me where they were then I began to conclude it might be so that God had owned in his Work such a foolish one as I and then came that Word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment The blessing of them that were ready to perish is come upon me yea I caused the widows heart to sing for joy Job 29.13 228. At this therefore I rejoyced yea the tears of those whom God did awaken by my preaching would be both solace and encouragement to me for I thought on those Sayings Who is he that maketh me glad but the same that is made sorry by me 2 Cor. 2.2 and again Though I be not an Apostle to others yet doubtless I am unto you for the seal of my Apostleship are ye in the Lord 1 Cor. 9.2 These things therefore were as another argument unto me that God had called me to and stood by me in this Work 229. In my preaching of the Word I took special notice of this one thing namely That the Lord did lead me to begin where his Word begins with Sinners that is to condemn all flesh and to open and alledge that the curse of God by the Law doth belong to and lay hold on all men as they come into the World because of sin Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sence for the terrours of the Law and guilt for my transgressions lay heavy on my Conscience I preached what I felt what I smartingly did feel even that under which my poor Soul did groan and tâ—emble to astonishment 230. Indeed I have been as one sent to them from the dead I went my self in chains to preach to them in chains and carried that fire in my own conscience that I perswaded them to beware of I can truly say and that without dissembling that when I have been to preach I have gone full of guilt and terrour even to the Pulpit-Door and there it hath been taken off and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done my work and then immediately even before I could get down the Pulpit-Stairs have been as bad as I was before Yet God carried me on but surely with a strong hand for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my Work 231. Thus I went for the space of two years crying out against mens sins and their feaâ—ful state because of them After which the Lord came in upon my own Soul with some staid peace and comfort thorow Christ for he did give me many sweet discoveries of his blessed Grace thorow him wherefore now I altered in my preaching for still I preached what I saw felt now therefore I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all his Offices Relations and Beâ—efits unto the World and did strive also to discover to condemn and remove those false supports and props on which the World doth both lean and by them fall and perish On these things also I staid as long as on the other 232. After this God led me into something of the mystery of union with Christ wherefore that I discovered and shewed to them also And when I had travelled thorow these three chief points of the Word of God about the space of five years or more I was caught in my present practice and câ—st into Prison where I have lain as long to confirm tâ—e Tâ—uth by way of Suffering as I vvas before in testifying of it according to the Scriptures in a vvay of Preaching 233. When I have been in preaching I thank God my heart hath often all the time of this anâ— the other exercise with great earnestness cried to God that he would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the Soul still being grieved lest the Enemy would take the Word away from the Conscience and so it should become unfruitful Wherefore I should labour so to speak the Word as that thereby if it were possible the sin and perâ—on guilty might be particularized by it 234. Also when I have done the Exercise it hath gone to my heart to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places still wishing from my heart O thaâ— they who have heard me speak this day did but see as I do what sin death hell and the curse of God is and also what the grace and love and mercy of God is thorow Christ to men in such a case as they are who are yet estranged from him and indeed I did often say in my heart before the Lord That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes would be a means to awaken them and confirm them in the truth I gladly should be contented 235. For I have been in my preaching especially when I have been engaged in the Doctrine of Life by Christ withouâ— Works as if an Angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me O it hath been with such poweâ— and heavenly evidence upon my own Soul while I have been labouring to unfold it to demonstrate it and to fasten it upon the Conscience of others that I could not â—e contented with saying I believe and am sure methought I was more then sure if it be lawful so to express my self that those things which then I asserted were true 236. When I went first to preach the Word abroad the Doctors and Priests of the Countrey did open wide against me but I was perswaded of this not to render rayling for rayling but to see how many of their carnal Professors I could convince of their miserable state by the Law and of the want and worth of Christ for thought I This shall answer for me in time to come when they shall be for my hire before their face Gen. 30.33 237. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted and in dispute amongst the Saints especially things of the lowest nature yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the Word of Faith and the remission of sins by the Death and Sufferings of Jesus but I say as to other things
I should let them alone because I saw they engendered strife and because I saw that they neither in doing nor in leaving undone did commend us to God to be his besides I saw my Work before me did run in another channel even to carry an awakening-Word to that therefore did I stick and adhere 238. I never endeavoured to nor durst make use of other mens lines Rom. 15.18 though I condemn not all that do for I verily thought and found by expeâ—ience that what was taught me by the Word and Spirit of Christ could be spoken maintained and stood â—o by soundest and best established Conscience and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter yet my experience hath more interest in that text of Scripture Gal. 1.11 12. than many amongst men are aware 239. If any of those vvho vvere awakened by my Ministery did after that fall back as sometimes too many did I can truly say their loss hath been more to me then if one of my own Children begotten of my body had been going to its grave I think verily I may speak it vvithout an offence to the Lord nothing hath gone so near me as that unless it vvas the fear of the loss of the salvation of my ovvn Soul I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places my Children were born my heart hath been so wrapt up in the gloâ—y of this excellent work that I counted my self more blessed and honored of God by this than if he had made me the Emperour of the Christian World or the Lord of all the glory of Earth without it O tâ—at woâ—d He that converteth a sinner from the error of his way doth save a soul from death 240. I have observed that where I have had a work to do for God I have had first as it were the going of God upon my Spirit to desire I might preach there I have also observed that such and such Souls in particular have been strongly set upon my heart and I stirred up to wish for their Salvation and that these very Souls have after this been given in as the fruits of my Ministry I have also observed that a word cast in by the by hath done more execution in a Seâ—mon then all that was spoken besides someâ—imes also when I have thought I did no good then I did most of all and at other times when I thought I should catch them I have fished for nothing 241. My great desire in my fulfilling my Ministry was to get into the darkest places in the Countrey even amongst those people that were furthest off of profession yet not because I could not endure the light for I feared not to shew my Gospel to any but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and conveâ—ting Work and the Word that I carried did lead it self most that way Yea so have I strived to preach the Gospel not where Christ was named lest I should build upon another mans foundation Rom. 15.20 242. In my preaching I have really been in pain and have as it were travelled to bâ—ing forth Children to God neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work if I were fruitless it matter'd nor who commended me but if I were fruitful I cared not who did condemn I have thought of that He that winneth souls is wise Pro. 11.30 and again Lo Children are an heritage of the Lord and the fruit of the Womb is his Reward as arrows in the hand of a mighty man so are Children of the youth happy is the man that hath filled his quiver with them they shall not be ashamed but they shall speak with the Enemies in the gate Psal. 127.3 4 5. 243. But in this work as in all other I had my temptations attending me and that of diveâ—s kinâ—s as sometimes I should be assaulted with great discouragement therein fearing that I should not be able to speak the Woâ—d at all to edification nay that I should not be able to speak sence unto the people at which times I should have such a strange taintness and strengthlesness seiz upon my body that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of Exercise 244. Sometimes again when I have been preaching I have bin violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy and stâ—ongly tempted to speak them with my mouth before the Congregation I have also at some times even when I have begun to speak the Word with much clearness evidence and liberty of speech yet been before the ending of that Opportunity so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking and have also bin so straitned in my speech as to utterance before the people that I have been as if had not known or remembred what I have been about or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the exercise 245. Again When at sometimes I have been about to preah upon some smart and scorching portion of the Word I have found the tempter suggest What! will you preach this this condemns your self of this your own Soul is guilty wherefore preach not of it at all or if you do yet so mince it as to make way for your own escape â—est instead of awakening others you lay that guilt upon your own soul as you will never get from under 246. I have also while found in this blessed work of Christ been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart and though I dare not say I have not been infected with this yet truly the Lord of his precious mercy hath so carried it towards me that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing for it hath been my every-days portion to be let into the evil of my own heart and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my Gifts and Attainments I have felt this thorn in the flesh 2 Cor. 12.8 9. the veâ—y mercy of God to me 247. I have had also together with this some notable place or other of the Word presented before me which word haâ—h contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the Soul notwithstanding gifts and parts as for instance that hath been of great use unto me Though I speak with the tongue of men and angels and have not charity I am become as sounding-brass and a tinkling cymbal 1 Cor. 13.1 2. 248. A tinkling Cymbal is an instrument of Musick with which a skilful plaâ—er can make such melodious and heart-inflaming Musick that all who hear him play can scaâ—cely hold from dancing and yet behold the Cymbal hath not life neither comes the musick fâ—om it but because of the art of him that playeâ— theâ—ewith so then the instrument at last may come to noughâ— and perish though in times past such musâ—ck