Nay rise Kettreena Something tels my heart Thou art too blame Sit here We 'l have it so Sits downe So now Kettreena time and place conspire To give advantage to my long desire Shall I not seem too curious to propound A harmlesse question to thy private eare Kett. In confidence your grace will not command Beyond my power and honour I obey Evald. Then tell me sweet Kettreena and tell true Had peevish Pertenax the maiden-head Of thy Affection did thy heart nere flame Untill his amorous Bellowes blue the fire Kett. Sir were it not too high presumption to enquire The cause of your Command Evald. Nay blush not Lady 'T is nor sin nor shame To tell the secrets of so sweet a flame That blush has half resolv'd me what remains To clear my doubt let thy faire words produce Kett. Sir wer 't a Sin my Sin would not despair That have my Sovereigne to my Confessour Sir I was nere so wise above my Sex To blast Affections blossome in her spring Nor yet so nicely foolish to deny That passion which has conquer'd more then I. Evald. Liv'd there a Soule subjected to our Crowne So blest in his deservings as to find So great a favour at Kettreenas eyes Kett. Sir may your Subjects flourish with desert To merit such a Prince but Evald. But but what Speak on Kettreena Kett. Let your Grace Excuse my blunt abruption Evald. Come speak out Thy full perfection can no way admit Imperfect languages Say on but what Kett. But 't was no subject gracious Prince of yours That first enthrall'd my heart Evald. What was he then Was he some foraine Prince in a disguise That came to rob our land of such a prize Tell me Ketreena if thou darest repose So great a secret in Evaldus brest What was he for a man Of what condition From whence What were his fortunes his Allyes Kett. Most gracious Soveraign what or whence he was I cannot well relate So many years Have pass'd since then that my remembrance may Well plead her frailty Whatsoere he was A Pilgrims weed eclips'd him Evald. Could thy heart make a sad Pilgrim Th' object of thy love Kett. Sir I was then but young and my affection Could find no Tutor but her owne desires Which curb'd my nonag'd reason with a hand Too too severe for councell to withstand Evald. I wonder how a Pilgrim durst attempt So strong a taske upon what hopefull grounds Could he presume to build his vain desire Kett. The ground of Love is love And the direction Which meer affection takes is meer affection Evald. How long Kettreena since thy soft desire Relented first at thy bold Pilgrims fire Kett. Fates blesse the token Even that very year Your highnesse first set happy footing here To tie that blest that royall knot between Your sacred self and our as sacred Queen Evald. But did that Pilgrim never since appear Discover'd to thine eye Kett. Great Sir mine ear Was never since made happy with the newes That he is living for whose sake I wear These weeds of mourning True the great desire Of my wel-being urg'd my Fathers heart To match me to a wealthy discontent But my Obedience thwarted my Affection And made me prisoner to a secret vow Which I have kept as spotlesse as my name Evald. Has not thy Mariage-bed dissolv'd that vow Kett. Although I live sad Pertenax his Wife Yet shall I prove his Virgin when I die Evald. Tell me Kettreena do'st thou know this Ring Why do'st thou start Kettreena Do'st thou know 't What meanes these teares What meanes this change of weather Tell me Kettreena do'st thou know this Ring Kett. Sir too too well And in this Ring I read The secret story of my Pilgrims death Heavens rest and all my joyes be with him Sir He was too good to live and wretched I A slave to life not good enough to die Evald. Come come Kettreena let those pretious drops Forbear to trickle Come thy Pilgrim lives And fares no worse then I I am the man Kett. Abuse me not great Prince O punish not My rude but yet obedient boldnesse thus Deride not her whom fortune hath deprest And hath a loyall though a troubled brest Evald. 'T is I that was that Pilgrim and disguis'd Wandred this land whose Crowne I was fore-told By our Chaldean Prophet should be set Upon my Temples and directed to Artesio's house I found that very face His Glasse presented to my wandring eyes In viewing thee whom he mistook as Queen And read my Regall fortunes in thy love Adding this prophesie as yet untold She that gives thee the first Ring Shall crown thy head and make thee King This is that Ring which given thou drop'dst a tear And whispered'st thus This Ring is Cupid s Sphere 'T was I to whose safe trust thou didst repose A secret which this tongue shall nere disclose These were the lips which gave thee that advise My judgment thought most fit and thine approv'd Kett. I am convinc'd dread Soveraigne and amaz'd My trembling heart 's surpriz'd 'twixt joy and fear Evald. Fear not Kettreena I am still the same And so art thou excepting this alone Thou found'st a Croffe and I have gain'd a Crown Which I 'le renounce and call no longer mine When it shall cease t' advance both thee and thine And for a Pledge we tender on our part Our royall hand with it a reall heart Kett. Your hand 's enough great Prince as for the rest I 'm not ambitious now Evald. Be not deceiv'd My sweet Kettreena there 's no dregs of lust Defiles that bosome thou so fear'st to trust 'T is fair and spotlesse and contrives no end But what may merit so divine a friend Kett. I question not And for that heart return A heart though far unequall yet shall burn With equall fires Evald. And let Kettreena know Nor time nor fortunes shall have pow'r to show The shadow of a change And mark how long Times hower-glasse shall measure out my daies Ent. Augusta Phonilla Trippit Till then But hold The Queen prevents the rest How now my dear Augusta Art thou come To give 's a visit Love 't is kindly done Aug. I fear my Lord the King my blunt accesse Hath given the privacies of your discourse Too quick a period Evald. No no my dear At thy approach all businesse does appear Like pale-fac'd stars before the rising Sun Aug. Madam Kettreena I must give you joy Kett. Me joy most excellent Princesse Pray for what Aug. Nay never blush I say I wish you joy Kett. I thank your Grace Be pleas'd to say wherein Aug. Of your new Ladiship Come now you know What ayles my Lord the King Are you not well Evald. Why dear Augusta Aug. Cause ye look so pale Your colour 's gone into Kettreenas cheeks But are you well indeed I wish you joy too Evald. Thanks sweet Augusta Tell me dear of what Aug. Of your new Servants that you made to day
he was chiefe Agent in his owne death Evald. Comodus what account can you give us of this businesse Com. Sir we found in his pocket the Cup and the Letter but no Arsnick Upon suspition I examined Madam Lactusia and one Cornelius Quack once servant to Artesio who falter something in their examination but deny any knowledge of the proceedings Onely they both heare that Pertenax counterfeited the Letter to see with what Affection his Lady would receive it Evald. Even like enough The just reward of a jealous braine Com. But this she added That when time should serve she would discover a secret of another nature which will make such an alteration in the State as Time could not example whereupon I committed them both to Prison till a farther Examination Evald. 'T was wisely done Formidon See a firme Conveyance made of all Pertenax his Estate to our use which we freely give to Kettreena And you Comodus take a speciall care to call in her debts that are upon Book and Specialties Ex. ACT. V. SCEN. I. Glisterpipe THe Devill a bit of meat have I gotten these nine dayes but once a leane scrag end of a Neck of Mutton which one of my Masters Patients loath'd to eate Else my whole diet hath been nothing but the overplus of thin Physick-broth and my drink the heartlesse reversion of dis-curded Posset-Ale Insomuch I had rather be my Masters Hang-man then his Serving-man For then perchance I might get a Caft Suit and a gratuity for a quick dispatch Knocks at doore Who 's at doore there Opens it and enter Page with an Vrinall Page Sir Is Master Doctor within I have brought him a Urine Glist From whom Page From my Lady Albion Glist My Master is very busie and cannot be spoken with these two houres Page Good Sir my businesse is upon life and death I pray bring me to him and I shall be very thankfull Glist How shall that appeare Page By this small carnest of a greater Reward Gives him a Fee Glist Wel Sir I shal make a tryal Opens the curtain Sir here is one would speak with you from my Lady Albion Artes. Bring him in Now friend what 's your businesse Page Sir my Lady hath sent you her Urine and desires your Advice Art Glisterpipe Glist Sir Poures it in a dish Art Goe ayre it Glist Now I de as liefe he had bid me gone to supper but take him in that fault hang him Stumbles spils the urine and rises So now am I as sure of a crackt Crowne as my Master is of a whole Angel But I le serve him a trick and save my selfe some labour I le make it up againe out of my owne stock Exit Art Has your Lady made no use of any other Doctor formerly Page Yes Sir she took advice of a Scottish Doctor but she is not much the better for him He drew a great deale of money from her Ladiship who is now faine to give him money to be rid on him Whisper Ent. Glisterpipe Glist T is all but Pisse and t is not the first time my Master has had an eye to my water Page Truly I cannot tel Sir Shakes the Urinal Art This water shews no great defect in her Ladiships stomach Glist His Doctorship may sweare it Art Her Ladiship accustomes her self to too thin a diet eats too much broth and too many Sillibubs Glist Posset-Ale ye meane Sir a halter stretch ye Art And does not encourage her stomach with good substantiall meat Glist Thanks to your miserable purse Sir he would if he could get it Art Her Ladiships body is much out of order and there 's a Malignant Hypocondriacall Flate within her which fumes up and disturbs her Head Is she not much troubled with the Head-ache Page Yes Sir exceedingly She complains of it every day Art She is likewise much troubled with inflamations and obstructions in the liver which causes an inordinate swimming in the Braine and giddinesse Is she not apt now and then to speak idly Page O Sir when the Fit takes her she speaks never a word of sense she talks of nothing but Bishops and Petitions and I can't tell what and her tongue runs so wildly and indeed I think she is scarce sensible sometimes of her own sicknesse Art That proceeds altogether from the rude confluence of loose humors I find by her water she is much troubled with wind and choller which occasions a great and frequent heart-burning Is she not much subject to unaccustomed sadnesse at times Page Extreamly Sir Art I find she has a great imbeeility in her spirits naturall which causes in her a generall faintnesse and now and then enclined to the Cardiaca Passio Is she not often possest with sudden frights and feares and jealousies and mis-understandings Page Exceedingly Sir Art I find likewise that she is much troubled with the Spleene which occasions stupidity melancholy and at times distractions Is she not often in a brown study Page Very much Sir Art Well I feare we must be forc'd to draw some blood from her which as the case stands now with her I should be loth to doe There is some bad blood in her veynes but if a veyne be once opened the best blood in her body may chance to passe too which she can hardly spare without palpable danger Untill I see her I can prescribe little To morrow I shall wait upon her Ladiship and what I shall then find fitting shall be carefully administred In the meane while let her keep her head warme and be very careful of her Temples Let her forbeare Salt and Usquebagh Let her use Moderation in her Exercises wherein she might not be forc'd to lift her armes too neare her head And for the relieving of her drooping spirits let her recreate her selfe now and then with a game at Irish Let her forbeare Noddy and Chesse as Games too serious Farewell Page Take this Glisterpipe to drink my Ladies health Gives Glist a Fee Ex. Glist How odoriserous is a very stoole how sweet When full-cramm'd Purses and craz'd Bodies meet Knocks What more Fees yet Who 's at doore Page Pray is Mr. Doctor within Ent. Page with an Urinall I have brought him a water Glist From whom Page From my Lady Temple Glist He cannot be spoken with as yet unlesse Page I know your mind Sir let this quicken you Art Glisterpipe Glist Sir Art Who 's there Glist One that would speak with your Honour from my Lady Temple Art Bring him in Now friend what 's your businesse Page Sir my Lady desires your Advice upon her Urine Art Glisterpipe goe chafe it Glist So there 's a shilling more for Glisterpipe Ex. Art How long has your Lady been sick Page These three years Sir she took a tedious journey to Canterbury where she conceives she took a surfet with too much Duck which hath laine very heavy upon her Ladiships stomach ever since Enter Glist with the Urinall Art This water
quick and clear Ma. Was h'ever half so faire Ros. A double chin What Symptons can he gather Of Age Ma. Or what resemblance of my Father Ros. What secret beauty lurks there in Kettreena That is ecclip'd in Rosia Ma. Or Marina Ros. True She 's snout faire yet by her favour I Would scarce turn tables with her though I say 't Ma. She has a courtly tongue to breed delight She has a Husband too that is a Knight Ros. Had he not been the King he should have known That I was sensible of his affront Ma. King or no King my ready fingers itch'd To scratch revenge on 's face I like my Father Ros. And yet our valiant Husbands could stand by And heare all this and yet make no reply When Pertenax impatient of disgrace Could nose the King and beard him to his face Ma. Husbands Husbands of Clouts Ros. But as for mine I 'le ring his ears a peal of discipline Ma. I 'le act my part and if Marina fails Let me want fingers or these fingers nails Exeunt Artesio Quack Art Then let everlasting health be entayl'd upon the sons of men and let the curse of a strong constitution fall upon man-kind if I dis-card thee not Away avoid my sight must I thus squander out my pretious howers and wast my wakefull night to turn Baud to a hundred Marks and connive at these your avaritious Murthers Away thine eyes are Basilisks and dart venome at me too strong for Antidotes to resist Quack 'T was but once or twice six months good Doctor be appeased Art Appeased My fury hath no eares my boyling gall breathes up such fumes of bitternesse into my crazy brains that there is left no place for patience to repose Quack I thought so faithfull a servant as I might have deserv'd one life among so many Patients to put me into a new Suit of apparel against Easter without so much adoe Art Slave shall you be first serv'd or I who gave you leave to send my Patients to the shades of death without my licence How durst you be so bold to snatch my wel-dealt Cards out of my skilfull hand whilst I was studious to contrive and make the best advantage to my self Quack He could not by nature have liv'd much longer Sir I did but save neighbouring death a labour Art What tell'st thou me of nature Is not the Patent mine Have not I power to produce the twine of fraile mortality in spight of death or nature Cannot I lengthen out the groaning daies of transitory flesh or cut them short according to my pleasure and advantage Quack Good Sir All this I know Art Why varlot then durst you presume to stop the gainfull practises which I intended When as the saplesse Stock could thrust no further Branches forth worthy our notice you might have then by permission done your will upon him for your best advantage When we had taken the first crop of his exuberous bags you might have then made bold to eat the Rowens Till then your insolence exceeded our Commission Had he been born to swim against the stream of fortune or tortur'd in the stubborn schools of daring Resolution Or had his hide-bound purse preferr'd his sacred wealth before the lingring hopes of costly health But thus to ravish from our thriving hand a man of Fortunes one that desir'd to take up life at Interest nay to buy his languishment at so profuse a Rate denies all thought of Patience Away Avaunt begone No more Artesio's Servant now Bad be those Drivers that unhorse the Plough Exit Quack Is it even so Quack's thread is fairly spun Quack may go home again his market 's done Sir Pertenax Formidon Pert. Is there never a Statute throughout the Volumes of the Law that tolerates a man to hang himself For. If there were it was repeal'd in the next King's Reigne for a great inconvenience that grew upon 't Pert. The more 's the pity To my thinking it were a very fine harmlesse exercise For. Why there 's a custome for 't for those that will seek the Rolls and have such Wives as I with Cornelius his motion in her mouth Pert. Come you are happy the disease lies at that end I would my Baggage would speak till her heart ake so she did lesse For. Fie Pertenax wrong not sweet innocence so much Had but the Stars been pleas'd would our Wives had been like our Indentures made enterchangeable Comodus and I pick'd out both the vices and left the virtue for you Never could any but Artesio that by art can alter his constitution as he lists been Father to three such different Daughters Marma vents her spirit by the Nayles my Rosia hers by Tongue and Kettreena hers by Tears which like fluent Orators plead a soft heart a sweet nature and a high spirit qualified with a mild discretion and a harsh Husband Pert. Every one knowes best where his shoe wrings him She 's mild enough and that the King knows I fear to my cost For. And though I say 't before thy face she 's fitter for a King then such a testy fool But who comes here Comodus Ent. Comodus with a night-cap and a scratch'd face Com. From Harpies nayles from Furies whips From all sharp noses and thin lips From two-legg'd Cats with thrice nine lives From scalding woort from scolding Wives From ful-mouth'd blasts from female blowes From smooth-fac'd Sluts from sharp-nail'd Shrowes From wounds t' inflict from plagues t' inflict me My Genius blesse my Stars protect me For. Now Comodus what means this desperation What Fury has possest thee What strange fit Usurps thy patience and beclouds thy brow What means this strange Militia in thine eyes Who rais'd this storm Has Age or Wedlock lent thee This sickly Night-cap Tell us what 's the cause Of this dull change Com. I have a Reason for ' 〈…〉 For. I fear I fear some Oeconomick fire Hath late been kindled Tell us what 's the cause Of these sad looks Com. I have a Reason for 't For. Disclose it then Come if the Bile be ripe 'T is best to launce it A revealed grief Invites to cure lies open to relief Com. He that can still the Thunder or asswage The flames of sulphrous Aetna or command The hideous powers of infernall Spirits Resolve for vengeance he and only he Can cure my grief Marinas louder tongue Out-rores the Thunder and her flaming eyes Out-scorches Aetna Her impetuous rage Out-devils the whole Academe of Hell Pert. Blowes the wind there away What ayles thy face Com. 'T was lately harrow'd with her Harpy nailes Pert. Why didst not pare them then Why didst not stop her viperous mouth Why didst not drive those troups of Devils From her stormy tongue Com. Bid me go snatch a daring Thunder-bolt Or twi-forkt lightning from the hand of Iove Bid me go stop the flowing Tides or stay A singing Bullet in her middle way Bid me go tame a Dragon or restrain The Armes of Furies bent
to be a Doctor 't was for nothing in the universall world but for killing a rich Patient of his a little before his time Lact. That was a poor thing to turn away an old Servant for especially a man of your profession Quack 'T was nothing else as I am virtuous Nay more He was a slow Pay-master too and took Phisick upon the Ticket Ah Madam had he conniv'd a little I had clearly gain'd a hundred Marks by his death Lact. How Quack His younger Brother a fine Gentleman laid me a hundred Marks he would live till our Lady-day Alas I did no more for a considerable summe then my Doctor has done a hundred times for nothing I 'm sure I have been a gainfull Servant to him and that he knows right well But the truth is he has no more conscience with him then the dog has How often have I left out the chief Ingredient out of his Receits to prolong the Cure for his profit How often dropt in a Dram of a malignant quality into his Dose to make a Cure for his gain Nay as I am an honest man out of my rank affection to him at my owne cost and charges kept a brace of hot Creatures in Ordinary to help yong Gentlemen to their Diseases for his sweet sake Had I been a knave his Daughters had wanted many a satten Petticote And thus my honest dealing is requited But 't is no matter There 's more waies to the wood then one I have corruption enough in me to make a Country Doctor And 't is no new thing to build up a new Phisitian upon the ruines of an old broken ' Pothecary Lact. Quack you have a voluble tongue and can easily work upon the ignorant multitude I could rather wish you to turn Mountebank What think'st thou of that Quack Quack Madam I doubt not but I could cheat the King's liege people as plausibly as another if the King or any of his mad Sons would give me a License Lact. As for the King Artesio is in too great favour with him But Prince Bellarmo will do 't if you make the means Quack Your Ladyships word in my behalf will soon be heard for which I shall present you with a New-years-gift a hundred Marks thick Lact. I 'le move his Highnesse in 't Go get a License drawn for him to signe Quack I humbly thank your Ladyship Exeunt Pertenax So they are fat enough And there let 'em sterve and rot and let their Children pick their bones I 'le not abate one single penny Tell me of mercy If their Wives brests want milk let their Children suck bloud Their Bonds are forfeit and I 'le have ev'ry farthing ere they quit those Grates Hoe there within Hoe Kettreena knocks Ent. Kettreena Ket Sir did you call Pert. O are ye come Hussif go fetch my Box of Obligations down Make haste away Exit Kettreena Compound quoth her I 'le no compounding Though they are beggers they have able friends I wonder ther 's no Statute to brand all Bankrupts in the forehead with a hot iron that men may know 'em Nature had been very provident if she had ordain'd that their flesh might ha' risen and fallen with their fortunes that we Monymasters might have traded without broken slumbers and ha' known a Rascall from a fat Deere Enter Kett. with a Box Pert. O are ye come give me give me quickly quickly looks among the Papers Kett. O that his virtues were enclosed there And that his honour were but half so deare Pert. Iohn Havelands Bond 300l to pay 150 the sixt of Iune next Good What 's here Henry Thrift 400l to pay 200 the 23 of March next and Good Humphry Rich his bond to pay the double Interest of 500l for 10 years and lose the principall Good Quack's Bill of Sale of a Tuftaffaty Peticote and a chest of fine linnen at 6d per Month in the pound That 's as good as mine own already Kett. Ah poor Quack Art thou come into his clutches Pert. O here 't is here 't is here 't is They are both come together Thomas Badluck 10l to pay 5. and George •aile 6l to pay 3. both forfeit and fast enough There 's 16l good besides cost and charges or there let 'em rot Kett. Deare Sir let me be a Suiter for mercy upon these two Pert. Mercy then let me never find mercy if I show 'em any Kett. I prithee be good to 'em They have 15 Children between 'em and 9 of them are Motherlesse If they remain in prison they must all sterve Pert. Hey tittle tattle tittle tattle tittle tattle Pray go to your Favorite the King he 'l redeem 'em for the tother kisse or if your kisses are growne cheap for a nights lodging Now your Father 's a privy Counsellour you 'l have a glorious Pander Kett. Sir you wrong three at once and your self that 's four and I have a conscience that 's a thousand will justifie it but I forgive ye Pert. Forgive me ye Court Munkey They say y' are breeding and keep your Chamber and puke a mornings and eat Caudels and Cordials in a corner to cherish you after your journey And my purse must pay for all But I 'le keep you short Kett. Heaven and my Innocence comfort me What I breed I fear you 'l justly father even that Child will make us both happy Pert. I father your Bastard you extract of Court Impudence O that my hand were turn'd to Lyons pawes that I may tear thee to bits Kicks her and falls Murther murther murther Kett. Sir let my arme assist ye helps him up Pert. O I am murther'd O my bonds my bonds my bonds O let me once embrace ye more my deare bonds taks up his Box O my dear bonds Kett. Feare not My arme shall hold you up Pert. O my legge my legge O my bonds my bonds my sweet bonds leads him out Exeunt Bellarmo Quack with a paper in his hand at one dore Bel. Quack But I fear 't will doe Artesio wrong Quack No wrong at all my Lord My practice lies Among the fooles He deales with none but wise Bel. I but you promise cure to their disease Quack Their mony loads 'em and we give 'em ease Bel. Why then you rob them for your own relief Quack Who takes what 's freely offer'd is no Thief Bel. But they expect Recovery of their health Quack And we accept what 's much inferiour wealth Bel. They heal your wants you fail to help their grief Quack 'T is true our sense exceeds their dull belief Bel. Can then belief give help to their disease Quack Faith in the Doctor gives the Patient ease Bel. If these be penny-worths he 's a fool that buyes Qu. If they be fools our pen'worths make them wise Bel. But Quack I know that Mountebanks are bold ignorant and covetous and when these three qualities meet and present themselves to the vulgar who are naturally confident simple and admirers of Novelties like