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A13377 Tarltons newes out of purgatorie Onely such a iest as his iigge, fit for gentlemen to laugh at an houre, &c. Published by an old companion of his, Robin Goodfellow. Tarlton, Richard, d. 1588, attributed name.; Armin, Robert, fl. 1610, attributed name. 1590 (1590) STC 23685; ESTC S102439 37,301 60

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that if higher fortune had not fallen him the Nuns of Santa Maria had intreated their abbesse to haue made him their fac totum but to his greater dignitie thus it fell out It chaunced that Pope Pius fell sicke and for that he knew Cardinals were ambitious and would flie with Icarus whatsoeuer befall to auoide all mutinies that might insue after his death about the succession of the Papacie he called his Cardinals together and charged them to elect none Pope but he that could absolue these thrée questions 1 What kinde of men those bee that GOD neuer made 2 What creatures those be that in sight are Carnations in smell Roses in hearing Syrens in touch Nettles and in taste Wormewood 3 And what occupations take more paines about God then the Pope Upon these the Cardinalls were agréed and went home to their seueral lodging leauing Pius wel cōtented with their mutuall consent resolued to die sith he had so well determined of the succession of the papacye to bee briefe as euery dogge hath his day so the Pope had his date for the next morning hee died And vpon this there was a generall mourning through all Roome the Cardinalls wept the Abbots howled the Monks rored the fryers cryed the Nuns puled the Curtizans lamented the bels rang and the tapers were lighted that such a blacke Sanctus was not seene along time afore in Rome wel to be short his ●unerals were solemnly kept and his body caried from Castle Angelo to Saint Peters Church and there intombed After his death euery one of the Cardinals aspiring to the papacie pondred in his braine the meaning of these questiōs but they were not so good schollers that they could eyther deuide define or distinguish vpon them especially Cardinall Montecelso that lay at the Bakers house who along while had these questions hammering in his head but to smal purpose for the more he sought the farther off he was which gréeued him full sore for the day was come wherein they must giue vp their verdict and the synod of the Cardinals appointed to méet Cardinal Montecelso ashamd to go because he was so monstrous a dunce knowing y t Myles the bakers man was a fellow of a prompt wit and withal so like the Cardinall as no man possible could discerne the one from the other brought it so to passe that he perswaded Miles to g● and heare the questions and to sit in his roabes amongst the rest of the Cardinals promising if he woon the victory by his witte he would when he were Pope so labour that he would make him a Cardinal Miles that was eu●r malepert and more saucy then honest vndertook the matter and bluntly ouer his bakers mealye Cassock for hast put on the Cardinals habit and went very solemnly to saint Peters church where the rest of the holy brotherhood sate taking his place amongest them as Montecelso had directed him Whē thus they were all gathered together the eldest of the fraternity laide open vnto them that now by the death of Pius y e papacy stood sede vacante yet by y e good direction of his holines in his life time to anoide further controuersie in the Church he had left a meane to know who should be next successor in the sea and thereupon he propounded thrée questions which began at the eldest so gradatim went downeward sundry men gaue sundry verdictes at last it came to Cardinall Montecelso wh● was yongest to yéeld his reason which if it were not probable and plausible the Synode must deuise some other meanes to knowe the successor for the questions were so darke that amongst the rest they were as inscrutable Aenigmaes Well to Miles at last came the matter to bee made manifest who very demurely in his scarlet roabes and his graue bennet began thus My Lords and fellow brethren in this dignitie nowe is the text fulfilled The last shall be first and the first shall be last For I that am youngest in yeres am like to be eldest in iudgement and being last in degrée am like to be first in dignity Therefor● you foolish dunces thus to absolue these thrée questions What kinde of men be those that God neuer made I tell you they be Popes Cardinals Abbots Monks and Priests for n●ne of all these did God euer make and thus I proue it The Creator both according to the principles of Philosophie and Theology is greater th●n the Creature and it is impossible that the maker should bec formed or fashioned by the thing made as a pot to make a Potter is it not then as repugnant to reason that God should make a Priest when the Priest euery day in his masse maketh God and so is he the creator and God the creature therefore brethren the Priest is the man that God neuer made because wee our selues knowe that the Priest i● Gods maker To this they all applauded and said he had spokē as much as Pius meaut Now quoth hee to the second question What creatures those be that in sight are Carnations in smell Roses in hearing Syrens in touching nettles and in tast wormewood Thus I answere they be my masters quoth he these kinde of cattle that we couet so much to keepe and these be women for he that sees a gallant wench which wee Italians terme Bona Roba with a fa●e face flourisht ouer with a vermilion blush shée seemes to his eie as beautifull as a Caruation and hir breath that is as swéete and odoriferous as a Rose he that listens to hir words shall finde them as pleasant and melodious as the Syren and as full of flattery as Cyrces so that hee that will auoide thrée wiles must with Vlisses tie himselfe to the mast or els venture on thrée dangerous shelues in touching they be nettles for they sti●g to the quicke and in tast whosoeuer tries them sh●l finde them as bitter in the ende as wormewood When Miles had discourst this they thought Sphnix himselfe could not haue yeelded a better reason and therefore our gentle man Baker went on to the third thus boldly and nowe masters quoth hee to the last What occupations take more paines about God then the pope Marry quoth Myles there be thrée the ploughman the Miller and the baker thus I proue it The ploughman he takes paines to ●…sse his field to sow his corne and in haruest with toile to reape in winter to threshe it out with the sweate of his brows Then it is conueyed from him to the Miller and he bestiers him self to set his stones in frame to grind it next it is transported to the Baker he boults it and sifts the bran from the flower and with great paines makes it into afine Cake bakes it last it is brought to the Pope and he when he is at masse saies but hoc est corpus meum and it is God he spends but alitle fewe wast words about it whereas the other thrée labor long ere they bring