is plain that the Immorality of Murther does not consist in meer killing for then every Executioner or Soldier would be guilty of Murther but it is the evil malicious intention of the mind that is all in all Now if Mr. Subtleman bear no malice to his Father but does that Work in a spirit of Love and Charity for the good of the Catholick Cause there can be no evil in it provided he gives all the Estate that accrues thereby to the Church to shew that therein he was not acted by a spirit of Covetousness Subt. What an unconscionable Fellow is this Could not one half serve his turn Aside 2 Cas My Brother speaks well but I must add this That as to kill a man yea a Parent with a charitable intention is certainly lawful so to kill an Heretick an inveterate obstinate Heretick is more than lawful it is highly meritorious They are condemn'd by the Laws Ecclesiastical and Civil and any man may be their Executioner 3 Cas What my Reverend Brethren have said in this Case is undoubtedly true but for the Gentleman's satisfaction I will prove the lawfulness of the Fact by an infallible Demonstration Suppose it thus Young Mr. Subtleman takes up an Hammer and knocks out the Brains of his aged Parent Quaere If this Action be in it self unlawful I answer No For if there be no unlawfulness in any part of this Action then there is none in the whole But there is no unlawfulness either in taking up the Hammer or lifting the Hammer or letting down the Hammer Ergo There is none in knocking out the old man's Brains Subt. This fellow is more Dunce than Villain Big But what say you to the point Brother Cautious Cau. Why look ye Brethren ye have left me little to say but only this If there be any evil in such a Murther it consists in the Injury that is done to the murdered person and an Injury is some part of Injustice done to man against his will Volenti non fit injuria If therefore there could be a way found to send the Gentleman into another world with his own consent there could be no scruple in it 1 Cas Then the best way is to knock out 's Brains with 100l Bag. If he be a truly covetous man he can never think that money can do him any harm 2 Cas Or pour down his Throat a spoonful of melted Gold when he sleeps with his mouth open 3 Cas Or dispatch him with a good Dose of Quicksilver he must needs have a veneration for That it is the Mother of Gold and all other Metals Subt. What a pleasant Story this will be to tell the old man Aside Enter Sir George from the Closet with two Papers in his hand They all start and are amaz'd Sir Geo. Gentlemen I understand that I am a dying man and therefore I beseech ye all to be witnesses to my last Will and Testament Subt. My Father what cursed luck brought him hither If he o'r-heard our discourse he will think that I was in earnest Aside Sir Geo. Come pray Gentlemen be Witnesses to my Will 't is soon done and human life is uncertain Subt. My honoured Father what good Genius brought you hither Sir Geo. O thou best of Sons I am glad to see thee in so good company Goes to salute them they are sneaking away Nay pray Gentlemen stay I have strange presages of my Death and fear it will be sudden I have given 40s to my only Son So much Vertue should not go unrewarded The rest of my Estate shall be given to my virtuous Niece Leucasia Pray stay and seal presently for I have a great many Money-bags and do often sleep with my mouth open 1 Cas Sir we cannot stay 2 Cas Sir you must excuse us we have business 3 Cas Here are witnesses enough beside us Farewell Exeunt Bigot is going out but is stopt by Sir Geo. Sir Geo. Nay Sir you shall stay and be witness with my Son to a Bond. A Candle here A Candle brought the Bond seal'd and given to Cautious Subt. But pray Sir hear me Sir Geo. Good Son avoid impertinencies What needst thou speak when the thing is done Subt. But one word Sir Geo. There is never a word in the world that can make to thy purpose I heard enough Subt. But Sir you are mistaken in me Sir Geo. But Son you are mistaken in me I know how to keep out of your Clutches Subt. But by all that 's good and sacred Sir Geo. That is by just nothing How canst thou think any thing good or sacred that couldst design and contrive the Death of a Parent Subt. You cannot think so Sir Geo. Yes Son I can must and will think so Big But pray Sir consider his motive was Zeal pure flaming Zeal I say you should excuse it Cau. Mr. Subtleman I am sorry for your misfortune but cannot relieve you Sir Geo. I wish you much joy of living by your Wits Exeunt all but young Subt. Cau. drops a Paper Subt. Hell Death and Confusion What a damn'd Praemunire have these Rogues Priests and Casuists brought me into I am betray'd else it is impossible my Father should be in Leucasia's Closet But the Traytor I know not But stay here 's a Paper I 'll read it Takes up the Paper and reads The Condition of this Obligation is such That if the above-bounden Sir George Subtleman Knight and Baronet do pay or cause to be paid to Robert Cautious c. the Sum of 1000l in consideration of the discovery of his Son's Villany c. Then this Obligation c. So then 't is out The revengeful covetous Dog Cautious has done me this Injury tho contrary to his Oath But by heavens I shall make him and his Punk in man's Cloaths pay dearly for it And yet it is no wonder for He that a Secret to a Priest does trust Or is so foolish as to hope him Just May he become Partaker of my Fate And see his Error when it is too late Exit ACT. IV. SCEN. I. Enter Cautious Jon. Simper crying and Servant to Leucasia Cau. to Serv. IF your Lady be at leisure present her with this Paper from her Unkle Sir George Subtleman and tell her I have a farther message by word of mouth Serv. My Lady will wait upon you presently Exit Cau. Nay it is vain to cry for part we must Young Subtleman knows your Sex and will divulge that secret as confidently as Grubstreet-News and as speedily as a false Alarm Jon. And can you be so cruel as to thrust me from you who have been so faithful Did you not often tell me That simple Fornication was no Sin and sometimes a Duty Did not you cite many of your most famous Authors to prove that it was an Act of Charity pure and flaming Charity to relieve the natural Necessities of a languishing Brother excluded from the Joys of Matrimony Did you not make me believe all this else I
must be sure to deal with the Fathers as some Gallants do with vicious Women that stand upon their Reputation thou must pry into all their Secrets and then they will faithfully serve thee as the Indians do the Devil not out of Love but Fear Whenever they cast out a Devil by Compact with the pretended possessed Person Do thou be one of the Witnesses and take care to have an hand in the business Whenever they make an Image speak or a Relick cure one that never was sick do thou be one that stands behind the Curtain or that applies the Remedy or subscribes to the truth of the Miracle Whenever they devise a new way to destroy Hereticks by the gentle methods of Fire and Sword do thou be one of their Consederates and promise to be a principal Actor in the Tragedy If ever any of the Fathers do tempt or are tempted by a Woman do Turn Phew say no more of that I know enough of their Secrets that way Subt. 'T is well Jack if thou dost for they are the most profitable Secrets of any For when they understand that thou art Rogue enough to change sides and discover all whenever it is for thy advantage they must get thy Mouth stopp'd by Mony or Preferment for this In remote Countries they do not much value their Reputation yet here where they are bound to their good Behaviour which some of them like worse than to be bound to a Whipping-Post they must dread them that know their Secrets lest the Discovery should hinder their grand Projection Turn Thou speakest good Sense but still I am not satisfied that 't is my best course for Mr. Bigot upon whom I chiefly relie is a Priest that is truly zealous in his way He is Master of a good Head which would be capable of bearing Learning if it were not applied altogether to the Politicks which I believe are his only Study so that now it looks like a good Field that for want of Tillage is over-run with Briars and Thistles He is naturally inclin'd to Honesty and just in all things wherein his Religion is not concern'd but then he sticks at nothing He studies nothing but the Advancement of the Catholick Cause As for himself tho he has a sufficient Interest at Court yet I believe him to be poor and needy His Zeal is so hot that it seemes to have burn'd up his Eyes and dry'd up his Brain to the quantity of a Nutmeg so that I think the Man might have been learned honest and wise if his Religion had not made him a Dunce a Knave and a Fool. Subt. But my Chapman Father Caution is of a quite contrary Temper he is resolv'd to be rich himself tho the Cause starve to death He is very mistrustful of a Change and will not be so much a Fool as to expect the total Conversion of this Nation tho Bigot does earnestly perswade him to it nor does he care whether it be so or no any more than as it does promote his own private Interest He makes just so much shew of Religion as may serve to make him capable of now and then selling an uncertain Favour at Court to a Friend for certain Mony But whatever is beyond that he looks on as superfluous In fine he is a covetous insatiable Rascal endued with a large stock of Cunning and Hypocrisy that is grown rich by bubbling Candidates for new Offices and wants nothing but a leap beyond Sea to make him compleatly happy Turn A very fine Character Subt. Besides I 'le tell thee another Secret He is a libidinous Beast and that Servant Jonathan Simple that attends upon him in Mans Cloaths is known to be a Woman Turn Since thou knowest him so well what a Devil made you deal with him Subt. I know that he mistrusts that his Reign is not long here and therefore may sell good Penny-worths and since I have Mony by me I am willing to improve it to the best till the old Man dies who is a Father indulgent enough in every thing but his living thus long Turn This damn'd Hypocrisy is the greatest of all Slaveries I would never endure it but for the sake of the beautiful Leucasia thy incomparable Kinswoman Subt. Leucasia is indeed a Lady of undoubted Wit and Vertue One that ties not up her self to the usual Formalities of her Sex but takes a freedom to her self in all vertuous Pleasures But what a Devil makes thee resort to the Fathers to gain her when thou knowest how mortally she does hate 'em and imploys the best of her Wit against them Turn Why Faith I 'le tell thee the only reason I found in my Addresses that she had no Aversion to my Person but that she thought my Fortunes below her as indeed they are and therefore to raise them I have taken this course in which I am resolv'd to continue till I see the Issue Enter Bigot and Cautious talking But here they both come it is their usual hour I don't care to see them now they will expect I should be in another place Exeunt ambo Bigot and Cautious advance upon the Stage Big Nay but Brother Cautious that Excuse must not serve your turn I would fain know what makes those Heretick Clergy-men in black Gowns so croud about your Lodging Don't you know how that Tribe make it their business to maul us in their Pulpits to squeeze us as it were to death in Printing-Presses to disappoint us in Elections and a thousand Tricks of the like nature And yet I perceive six or seven of them do wait on you every Morning I vow I must complain of you to our Superiors as of a suspicious Person Cau. Good Brother Bigot be not so furious those black Coats come for Preferment Big Aye and so we shall have all Vacancies fill'd up with Hereticks before the Penal Laws be taken away to make room for Catholicks I vow Brother you injure our Cause Cau. I vow Brother you injure your Brain by this intemperate and unnecessary Zeal Cannot I get the Rogues turn'd out again for Simony when the time serves and my self be a Witness against them Besides do you rightly consider the Worth and Dignity of their Mony I say again Do you rightly consider the Worth and Dignity of Mony Big I must confess Mony is very proper to carry on the Cause and I am forced to expend a great deal on those that will not undertake without it for the truth is I find very few excepting the zealous Mr. Turnabout of our new Converts that are willing to act without Mony upon whom I have expended great Sums and I hope you put your Mony to that same pious use Cau. Can you doubt that But in truth he may doubt it long enough before I spend my Mony upon such improbable Projects Aside Big I can't doubt it in a true Catholick Priest Why we have more hopes now of subduing the Hereticks than ever Cau. What because of
Vizor Pulls of her Mask and shews her to Mr. Subtleman Subt. O! Mrs. Speedwell Your very humble Servant This is a cast Mistress of mine so damn'd unreasonable and perfidious that like the Wars of our French Monarch She was never to be satisfied with Men or Mony If this be your new virtuous Convert I wish you much joy of her Big Do you jeer me Subt. If I do it is your fault you are so horridly gull'd in this that to laugh at you is no matter of choice but of necessity Big I say again Mrs. Speedwell speak for your self Is this true Speed Why to speak the truth a Woman must get her livelyhood some way or other I liv'd honestly on my Trade and paid every one till stirs and combustion came and my Trade decay'd and Mr. Subtleman cast me off and then I was sent to turn Religious whether I would or no And pray who can blame me for that Leu. A very ingenuous Confession Big Well tho' I am mistaken in this one yet Envy it self can object I presume nothing against the other Pray let them declare their most stupendious Conversion Turn You need not I know them all They are a parcel of Jilting Queans pick'd up from Suburb Bawdy-houses the leavings of Porters and Footmen Pray Mr. Bigot remove them they are very offensive Big If I thought so I would turn them off they will be a scandal 1 Whore Ay but you promis'd me a new Gown 2 And me a Place at Court 3 And me a Pension 4 And me to be Lady Abbess 1 You told us you would bring us to Court 2 And said we should have Dogs and Monkeys and live like Ladies 3 And that we should take place of all the Hereticks 4 And that we should ride in Coaches and Chairs And now do you think to put us off so Big But Mr. Turnabout says you are Whores And I will have nothing to do with Whores 1. Then I 'll seize your Crevat for default of payment 2 And I your Perruke 3 And I your Hat 4 And I 'll have a Pennyworth out of your Eyes D' ye think an honest Woman can go to Church for nothing They all fall upon him and tear him about Big Murther murther Help me or I shall be destroy'd L. Brit. I am sick of these follies and will retire Exit Cau. and Her Hold Hold They interpose and take 'em off him Leu. I protest Mr. Bigot I can but pity you you had like to have incurr'd Acteon's fate and been devour'd by your own Hounds Enter Constable and Watch bringing in Politico Const Here Mr. Subtleman This I suppose is the Man Subt. The very same and I charge you to seize this and this and this Pointing to Cautious Bigot and Hermolto Cau. What is this part of your Play They seize them Subt. No Faith I am in earnest you must all four go before the Justice where I must accuse you of the wilful murther of my Honoured Father Sir George Subtleman Counterfeit and the Whores run away Pol. How dare you attempt one of my Figure Subt. I shall leave that to the Law the Judge and the Hangman Alas Sir I am but a poor Instrument in the Prosecution Her And wilt thou bring these Gray Hairs and this Reverend Beard to the Gallows Subt. Faith Reverend Father I must confess there is some difficulty in Hanging a Man with so long a Beard but if it be troublesome to you you may tye it up under a Cap or tuck it under your Girdle or use any other method most agreeable to your discretion Pol. Nay if you be in earnest I protest I had no hand in it Subt. I can depose on Oath you confess'd to me that you had Pol. It was cleverly done and I thought it was for my Reputation Cau. I am Innocent as the Child unborn Subt. But you confess'd the Fact to me Cau. That was to recover the loss of my Trunk Big I never did it but I wish I had Subt. We have witness against you and you shall be hang'd for wishing Constable do your Office Constable c. offer to drag them away Her Nay now I am in a fine case if I should come to be hang'd for killing my my self it were a pretty Jest if it were not too much in earnest Aside Subt. I say Constable do your Office Herm. Nay then 't is time to discover my self Sir George throws off his Disguise and discovers himself All. O! Sir George Sir George you are welcome from the Dead Sir Geo. Yes faith Gentlemen I am honest old hearty Sir George Subtleman that took this Disguise and spread abroad the report of my Death to see how far my Son was debauch'd with the Principles of their damn'd Casuistical Divinity and since I find him pretty honest as the times go I will give him all Subt. O my dearest Father How am I surpris'd to see you They embrace Leu. I am transported with joy The turn is so wonderful and it had nto spoil'd the Hanging of these Sacerdotal Vermin nothing could have hapned more delightful Pol. How damnably am I deceiv'd I told the whole Court he came from America Turn We are all dispos'd for mirth but these Gownmen who have most reason as having escap'd the greatest danger Cau. Since I have lost my Trunk Hanging could be no great affliction Pol. When I have lost my Reputation what does my Life signifie Big I see the Catholick Cause is dying I wish that I could dye with it Turn to Leu. Madam I have now perform'd my Promise and expect you to give me my Reward without fraud or Jesuitical equivocation Leu. Here take my Hand and Assurance with it That from this time I shall be always yours I did always Love you tho' some Courses you took did highly disoblige me from which I was resolv'd to reclaim you But your last good service has cancell'd all former miscarriages and since you have given me this half hour of pleasure I shall dedicate the remainder of my Life and Fortune to make you happy Turn And faith Madam since you are so bountiful I shall leave all this crew of whimsical Pedants and the damn'd Vices of this Town and study only how to make my self happy by pleasing you Sir George I faith Neece this is to the purpose I will be merry at your Wedding and Dance and Jump and Sing and Hollow and for Mr. Turnabout's encouragement will settle 200 l. per Annum on the first Child and allow my Son so competent a maintenance that he shall not need to depend on that Gang any longer Subt. Then all have reason to rejoyce none but the Fathers are dejected Turn I know they are concern'd for their loss of Reputation Politico shall give us a Supper as he promis'd and Captain Tom and we will conceal all those disappointments Pol. Agreed for Peace sake I will do it but you must be sure to be very secret and I will never meddle with business of this nature more Turn Then all is happily ended For When Priests forsake the business of the State And on the Duties of their Office wait Expect the Issue of a prosperous fate But when they steer the Helm they hurry on A dismal Night of black confusion Nature a wound in every part must feel And her whole systeme with disorder reel Plaudite FINIS COMMEDIAE ADVERTISEMENT TO the two Universities an Epistle Together with a Prediction concerning the French Translated out of Callimachus Who is by St. Paul said to be a Prophet and that his Testimony is true Titus I. 12 13. The Secret History of the Dutchess of Portsmouth Giving an account of the Intreagues of the Court during her Ministry And of the Death of K. C. II. Both Printed for and Sold by Richard Baldwin near the Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane 1690.