of carnall affections And this my request is to obteine for without thy speciall grace wee shall neither leade a good life in this world nor liue eternalie in the life to come And whereas I now liue in the bodie it is no ioie to mee for better it were for mee to die than to liue because through this life I am debarred the farder from eternall life which cannot come vnlesse that death doo destroie the life present yea and death also it selfe bee destroied Hence it is that my desire is to heauen-ward and mine heart seeking eternall rest fetcheth deepe sighes and crieth It is now enough Lord take awaie my soule which thou hast redeemed with thy pretious blood Open to mee the gate of thy kingdome and let in a poore pilgrime returning vnto thee from exile Listen to mee Lord and loase me from the band of the bodie What should I longer doo heere I am good neither to my selfe nor to others Whie then doo I liue To my selfe I am burdensome to others troblesome What shall become of mee I wot not Lord whether thou hast foreseene anie better thing of me wherefore my longing should bee lingred I doo allow thine ordinance because it is good but in mee onlie I finde the euill whie it greeueth and troobleth mee to liue in the world For dailie I doo sinne I heape sinne vpon sinne and yet as I ought I repent not If therefore I were loased from this bodie of sinne and coopled to thee in heauen neither should I offend anie more nor thou bee offended but be praised continuallie Notwithstanding as yet thou bearest with mee and showest all patience I know my fault because through my sinnes I maie not enter into thy kingdome For none vncleane thing shall enter thereinto But when shall I be without sinne When shall I throughlie be cleansed that I maie not feare to bee prohibited but reioice rather to bee let in If I goe not forward more zealouslie nor bee more carefull than hetherto I haue bin I am affraide mine hope will be little enough But Lord thou which wilt that no man should perish but that all should bee saued grant mee more grace to the amendment of my life and to hope for celestiall blessings giue mee the spirit of inward fatnes Let not mine heart heere reioice after the flesh but in fearing let it expect for death Let no care or creature hold mee back but let thy desired presence drawe and comfort mee Blessed is the man which trusteth in thee ô Lord but more blessed is hee that is passed out of this wicked world for he shall no more either feele or feare anie trooble ⸪ CHAP. 7. 1. A godlie desire for a good death O Lord thou art mine hope euen fro my youth In this hope I flie vnto thee vntill the last houre and time of my resolution shall come Oah that I were so well prepared that I might euen now die vnder the hope of grace Oah that I had ended this life with an happie departure and laide off the loade of this bodie how manie dangers and feares had I then escaped Happie is the man whome thou hast chosen and taken vp who is now gone out of this world vnto the father from banishment vnto a kingdome from the prison vnto the palace from darkenes vnto light from death vnto life vnto securitie from dangers from labor vnto rest and from all manner miseries vnto euerlasting felicitie Happie is the soule that now enioieth her reward triumphing in thee her Lord But alas that my contrie is so long kept fro mee How gratiouslie and mercifullie shouldest thou deale with mee if quicklie I were called awaie and bidden to come vnto thee that where thou art I might be also Oah that I had bin taken out of this world before euer I had knowen the filthines of the same and before I was affraide to offend euen in small things how happie then had I bin But now the longer heere I liue the more I wander from thee and doo sinne in too too manie things Wo is mee what haue I doone Alas I haue folowed the desires of the flesh and haue drawen vanitie to my selfe with roapes but godlines I haue abandoned abhorred innocencie and added sinne vnto sinne so that now to my griefe I finde that true which I haue sometime read Woe be to the wicked it shall be euill with him Too too late almost I haue returned vnto my God yea verie late it was eare I began to amend and then too but slowlie went I on I was not zealous enough in my proceeding I did not encrease in zeale but which is woorser I waxed cooler and cooler Hence it was that manie times I was verie loath to die because my guiltie conscience still tolde mee I had not liued as I should haue doone Notwithstanding in consideration of the dangerous temptations wherevnto I am subiect and that my sinnes might not encrease manie a time haue I wished for death and into these woordes haue I burst sayeng Oah that now God in mercie would take mee out of this world that I might sinne no more vpon earth Oh that God speedelie would vouchsafe to take mee awaie and make an ende of my labors in what an happie state should I then bee But Lord all things must bee euen as thou wilt If thou minde to doo that which I require it shall forth-with bee accomplished but if otherwise thy will bee doon I maie vtter out my desire and the miserie which I endure not as to him which is ignorant thereof but that thereby I may finde some comfort to my soule I knowe I am not yet readie as I ought to bee for my conscience is greatlie out of quiet And what maruell though I a sinner doo stand in feare seeing manie euen of the holie fathers were affraide because thou iudgest not as man dooth But how shall I prepare my selfe It were good for mee to prepare my selfe against that time which may come this daie before to morow for anie thing I knowe Therefore I will more firmelie alter my purpose I will bewaile all my negligences passed I will sacrifice my selfe to thee and wholie and henceforth commend my selfe vnto thy mercie ô Lord. O Lord my God all my works doo stand at thy mercie and without thy mercie I haue no merits And this is mine hope this is all my trust But how fareth it with a good and pure conscience What saith the chaste and deuoute soule Come saith she Lord Iesus ô come and tarie not vntie my sinnes loase my fetters bring me out of prison out of the lake of miserie and mirie claie I haue waited patientlie for thee ô Lord incline to mee and heare my crie Leaue mee not anie longer in this wicked world Let it content thee that hetherto I haue striuen that so long I haue bin
molested thy seruants struken with an horrible feare Then shall they vtterlie bee confounded which laying a good conscience and honestie aside gaue themselues to vanitie and wantonnes They shal suffer punishment then which haue loosed the bridle vnto the flesh Then shall they roare towardes heauen which now are cunning in vaine musick and daunces Then shall that bee turned into moorning which hath bin contracted by inordinate pleasure They shall be bound vp in bundles together to be burned then which haue bin companions together at dronkennes and bellie-cheere And whome loue hath bound in wickednes the reuenging fire shall roule together in torments O yee foolish and wretched ô yee frantike and blinde louers of the world what doo yee what is your meaning how will yee escape the vengeance of the Lord Why for a little pleasure which you doo loue doo yee hasten vnto euerlasting torments Whie feare yee not hell which doo so feare a little penance And you which flie the death of the flesh whie aforehand doo yee not take heed of the eternall death of the soule Vnlesse therefore yee doo conuert and repent yee shall neuer escape these horrible and firie torments of Gods displeasure When I consider the daie and houre of the generall iudgement my bones doo shake for feare because entreatie then shall not turne awaie the wrath of God but hee will be a righteous iudge to all O God most holie mightie and mercifull Sauiour saue mee from that bitter death and giue mee grace to repent that I may vnfeinedlie bewaile my sinnes before I departe our of this present world ⸫ CHAP. 3. 1. An humble confession of sins 2. with a Praier for grace to repent MY sorowe is euer before mee O my God foulie haue I spotted my life with manifold sinnes but Lord behold my teares which I shead before thee because I haue so much offended thine holines For I know that in mee that is in my flesh dwelleth no good thing and that so long as I carrie about a mortall bodie I am not free from wickednes I therefore doo sinne and offend daie by daie and which is more lamentable I suffer manie sinnes to passe awaie without sorow and due repentance For being busie most commonlie and encombred with affaires of the world and vane curiousnes I am not able so speedelie to returne vnto wholesome teares Whereof it is that the darkenes of sinne doth encrease so mightelie against mee the which both stop vp the fountaines of grace hinder the streames of heauenlie comfort from comming vnto mee LORD And is that a small offence SOVLE No my God it is a great sinne and so much the greater as it passeth the sooner from the heart and doth not prick mee with sorrowe But Lord wilt thou not regard this my wicked dealing How long shall I delude thee and thus deceiue my selfe Wilt thou alwaie be silent where is thy rod where is thy spur where is thy wand O Lorde why doost thou withdrawe thy iudgement and the paines of hell fro mine eies Were these things alwaies in my remembrance could I bee so retchlesse Thy silence and patience is for mine amendment but if I still bee negligent wilt thou not then punish mee seuerelie Surelie thou wilt punish mee if not in this world yet in the world to come For nothing shall passe awaie vnreuenged neither small neither great offence But much better heere in this world where both weeping is profitable the paine is short the satisfaction more accepted and reconcilement sooner had And therefore spare not the rod but with a sharpe water annoint mine eies and reserue not my sinnes vntill the time to come least then I bee deliuered vnto the tormenters vntill I haue paide the vtmost farthing Better is it nowe a little for my profit to be pricked than hereafter to feele the bitter paines of hell fire Wherefore I am to mourne and to conceaue a great sorowe for my sinnes For manie things I haue to bewaile but no cause at all to laugh The darkenesse of mine hart the slipperines of my conscience my proanesse vnto wickednes my want of grace doo wish mee yea rather of necessitie doo enforce mee to weepe and to lament Furthermore the remembrance of manifold temptations and of assaults to sinne should make me haue little lust to be merrie Spare mee ô Lord spare mee For though I weepe beeing touched inwardlie with sorow it is no maruell because the time is now to weepe O happie is the houre when I conceaue sorow for my sinnes Blessed are the teares which doo flowe from the griefe of heart at the consideration of the foulenes of a guiltie conscience And who is able to sound the bottom of this depth and to reprooue the hidden filthines without feeling O my God the true light thou canst lighten all the obscure places of mine heart yea and burne vp all the spots thereof in the spirit of heate and iudgement It is in thee to giue a newe heart to create a new spirit and there to prepare a secret habitation that it may bee a place for thee to rest in and a tabernacle of thy name which art the louer of cleanes and the ghest of the good conscience But forsomuch as willinglie thou doost not visit a disordered house but commonlie leauest the same to bee illuded with beastlie affections I am the more carefull least that betide mee But helpe mee ô mercifull and gratious God to repare the ruins of this mine house Woe to him from whome thou departest awaie offended But peace to him vnto whome thou descendest and with whome thou abidest I miserable wretch now placed in the middes of snares and loaden with the shacles of wickednes what counsell is best for mee or what remedie to be vsed but onelie to lift vp mine heauie eies vnto thee that my crie may be heard in the heauens For a polluted conscience shall neuer finde or haue a better medicine than bitterlie to slaie it selfe in praier And how can extreeme tentation more profitablie bee cured that it preuaile not than by powring continuall petitions vnto thee and by humbling our selues But who can giue mee these blessings I meane to praie and to weepe as I ought to doo Where may I attaine that humilitie and abundance of teares Doubtlesse of thee Lord with whome is mercie and great redemption O Lord my God the giuer of all grace grant that I maie as I am bound bewaile mine offenses seeme they neuer so small and to amend all without vaine excuses aswell those offences which are secret as those that are well knowen Let this mine hartie repentance get mee thy fauor againe and prepare vnto well doing and to that which tendeth vnto saluation CHAP. 4. 1. A lamentation of the soule for her weakenesse and vnstaiednes in the race of virtue THine eies did see mee when I was without forme O Lord my GOD
in exile that I haue not deserued to enioie thee nor to see thee face to face Grant mee to enioie the long desired ioie which no time shall ende nor troubles ouershadowe Show mee thy countenance which the angels continuallie do behold Let thy voice bee heard in mine eares which they without cessing doo heare Come Lord Iesu and take mee out of this forreine contrie call mee wretch home vnto my contrie and restore mee a sinner vnto my former puritie Come gratious Redeemer make mee partaker of thine eternall glorie It is hie time that I returne vnto thee it is now time that I commend my bodie to the earth whereout it was taken The matter is not great where the bodie be laide or how it be handled if so be the soule be safe and come vnto thee Let my spirit doo well which I commend into thine hands and let my flesh rest in hope to be raised vp againe in the last daie For wheresoeuer it be buried it can neuer bee far or hid from thee Remooue mee from the companie of men and ioine mee to the societie of thy saincts For this temporall life is irkesome to mee but to thinke of the daie of eternall glorie reioiceth mine heart Oah let not the olde serpent withstand mee at my departure out of Aegypt let not the enimie barke against mee in the gate let neither Satan with his ouglie sight terrefie nor the horror of death trooble mee but let thine holie angels faithfullie assist stoutlie aide valiantlie protect louinglie receiue and ioiefullie bring mee vnto the euerlasting felicitie of thy celestiall paradise And mercifull louelie and blessed Iesu doo thou gratiouslie I beseech thee behold mee and cast mee not out of the number of thy seruants but remember ô Sonne of God how thou hast redeemed mee with thy pretious blood Receaue mee into glorie and that in thy mercie and goodnes because greatlie haue I wished to solemnize a passeouer with thee Oah happie daie of my desired reward Come blessed houre of blessed passage which long I haue desired and kept before mine eies What now haue the troobles and afflictions in the world hurt mee What am I the woorsse for the contempt labor and humiliation for thy name sake Thou hast bin my life and now death will be to me an aduantage and to be with thee in thy kingdome will be absolute felicitie Now praise and glorie be to thee who art the life of such as liue the hope of those which die the saluation and rest of all which trust in thee CHAP. 8. A meditation of one dead vnto the world yet aliue in Christ. TVrne awaie mine eies from regarding vanitie Oah Iesu which art the true life which neuer shall haue an ende geue mee grace that through loue of thee I may bee consumed through loue wounded through loue killed that the flesh preuaile not ouer mee I am not as yet thoroughlie dead to the world but the old man yet liueth in mee raising vp within me much contention and desires of manifold euils and making the nightes bitter and the daies tedious vnto mee Oah when will it fall out that boldlie I may saie I thought my selfe as a dead man For hee which dead is doth waie neither the praises of men nor the reproches of the malignant because he is dead Hee which touching the flesh is dead neither speaketh nor smelleth nor tasteth nor exerciseth anie worke yea he neither heareth also the vanitie of this world againe he regardeth not curious and bewtifull things enticing vnto the loue of some vile thing vpon earth And hee which is dead to the world is not in the world but in God to whome hee liueth euen as Paule to the beloued disciples doth saie yee are dead and your life is hid with Christ in God This man doth so speake so thinke so behold things without as though they were not For the things which are seene are temporall and vane but the things which are not seene are eternall Hether doth hee cast his eie hether doth hee hasten hether is his desire for these things doth hee labor to attaine these things is all his studie These things hee wisheth these things hee loueth these things hee seeketh these things hee sauoreth euen which are within and secret to wit great good things soueraigne and eternall things of which hee cannot thinke too often because theie are exceeding pretious and sweete and delectable and more than vtterable This man is far estranged from present things and breatheth altogether after things eternall hauing the dominion ouer the sensuall appetite For the flesh seeketh outward desireth pleasant loueth present loatheth absent flieth all sharp and bitter things which notwithstanding are good for the soule Whence it commeth that it will not suffer the spirit to be at rest but laieth before it sundrie phantasies which are scarse to be spoken and in truth not to be accompted of But hee which is endued with the grace of spirituall fortitude maie with more ease subdue the insolent motions of the flesh singing in the word of the diuine power The Lord is with mee therefore I will not feare what flesh can doo vnto mee Therefore albeit this sensualitie doth moue battell and the voice of the flesh doth secretlie murmur yet doth not the spirituall man easelie consent for greater is the force of the diuine loue which inwardlie doth comfort This man now and then so sweetlie so stronglie and so earnestlie is drawen rauished and in loue with God that scarselie hee doth see and perceaue the things about him and be heard in the world because he is not there but else-where not belowe but aloft euen with God and in God which moueth the spirit within him and erecteth and as it were carrieth it awaie in a firie chariot that at the length it maie enioie him in an happie and holie and long wished desire of his hart This man is sildome found idle abroade because his freende hath borne him awaie There quietlie and alone hee heareth his speech euen the speech of his beloued and greatlie doth reioice to heare the voice of his vnsuspected spouse Neither straight-waie doth he cas◠his phiall vpon the ground to draw◠vp vanitie but hideth the founde◠treasure and shutteth it vnder loc◠and keie that the foote of pride com◠not in and so all virtue doo perish◠For thus he saith to him Set mee a◠a seale on thine heart and so forth as i◠followeth in that place It is good to seale the heart and to keepe it least the beloued goe back and flie awaie because hee seeketh and visiteth aboue all a pure and an humble heart These things hee thinketh with himselfe and is astonished at that good thing which passeth all sense and gifts Yea still hee wandereth and enquireth diligētlie what thing is this and exceedinglie reioiceth for
presence I will bewaile thine absence because euen this is a token of loue and a great pleasure to the louing soule Now then the sense of this sentence appeareth Because it is rightlie said of the louing soule how the more feruentlie she loueth and the more earnestlie she longeth after eternall things the more trulie she feeleth the power thereof working within her Theie are not cold woords but to the vnkinde soule neither deafe organs but to the hardened hart The louing and zelous soule knoweth this well and is so often inflamed in hart as she is pricked with the desire of eternall peace And therefore shee speaketh to thee her Lord God not to men of whome she would not be knowen And although sometime she talketh with men yet that which theie heare is to the outward sense But whatsoeuer she saith to thee it is to the verie soule and rather by sighing of the hart than by sounding words Lo saith she in peace is my most bitter bitternes As if she said After that of thy goodnes I returned vnto the peace of minde the transitorie state of the world began to be still more grieuous vnto mee For I see in this peace how far I am separated from the soueraigne peace And in deede beeing first busied with earthlie desires and mooued with diuers passions I was greatlie hindered from spirituall cogitations and so from heauenlie contemplation after which I should haue much longed but that could I least of all doo because through slothfulnes I did forgo all sense of inward sorowe But nowe seeing the troobles of idle thoughts are taken awaie I doo somewhat rest in the peace of conscience and am drawen vnto heauenlie matters with mine whole hart and I do more lament that I do not enioie the good things of God than erst I did moorne being vexed with the troobles of this world So that it is bitternes to my soule euen to liue in this world and to go vnder the heauie burden of sin But it is bitterest of all when somuch as I maie all mine affections being gathered together I doo enioie now the good things of the hart and bend my selfe euen with hartie zeale toward the armes of eternall peace and yet maie not attaine thereunto because of the bonds of my mortall state And this makes mee euen with griefe of hart to crie vnto thee and to saie O wretched man that I am who shall deliuer mee from the bodie of this death There is none so greuous a burden vnto me as stil to wander frō thee by liuing in the world for laboring in loue I wish for no comfort beside thee For by good experience I haue long sithence learned that my soule can neither be satisfied with the good things of this world nor yet be blessed vntill she be ioined vnto thee in the celestiall habitation For as exceedinglie she doth loue burne and vse contemplation while she is in the bodie so will her desire be insatiable vntill the bodie be laide off And therefore her ende must be made perfect by attaining the souereigne felicitie and the light of thy countenance O King of heauen so amiable in all respects ô my all louelie beloued euen wholie to be desired when wilt thou fill mee with the light of thy countenance when wilt thou satisfie my longing with the well of life My soule hath much thirsted after thee and greatlie will be troobled vntill she attaine thee Liuing in the world and not seeing thee I can take no comfort of whatsoeuer I beholde so greatelie dooth zeale waxe hot that not once but often I breake into these words When shall I come and appeere before the face of my God And this loue of mine cesseth not but encreaseth more and more in such sort that I am driuen euen to weepe night and daie while continuallie I doo thinke with my selfe Where is now my God For it is a comfort to the louing soule to weepe for thy sake while she must want her desire and still expect thy comming And these teares doo more feede and refresh the louing soule than if she enioied all the things of this world For did she loue them she would not weepe for thee Oah how blessed and pleasing to thee is the sheading of such teares For theie doo both kill the desires of secular and temporall ioies and also theie obteine the celestiall consolation And therefore none doo shed such holie teares but theie which are both singularlie in loue and verie notablie religious Far of another kinde be the teares of such as miserablie be troobled in this world For one man weepeth because he is sick another for that he is oppressed another because he is iniured another because his minde is contraried but it is thou religious soule onlie which powrest forth teares euen of pure loue to thy Sauior-ward as for temporall damage and worldlie causes theie trooble thee not for thou submittest thy selfe to the righteous iudgement of God and art thankefull And for so dooing let no worldlie creature iudge thee either foolish or impatient because thy teares doo not greeue but comfort theie doo not blur the face but wash it theie hurt not the eies but theie purifie the sight of the minde Howbeit let others conceaue heereof as theie will I cannot but thinke otherwise than well of you for I doo wish to drinke deep of such teares S. If you wish to weepe with mee then maie you bee comforted with mee Oah that your soule were as I am you could neuer forget what I doo feele I knowe whome I credit and sure I am it is a more easie thing to denie that there is anie heauen and earth than that there is a God And I knowe also hee is my full happines and that I shall neuer bee blessed vntill I haue an absolute sight of his maiestie Whose sight because it is not yet granted me nor alwaies assured me doth make me to lamēt inasmuch as I am depriued of happines wrapped in the darknes of this life and downpeised with the waight of mine owne infirmitie that I am not of power to suffer that wonderfull light and that whatsoeuer I do think cōcerning the glorie of heauen is so litle and ouershadowed as it were with a cloude Hence it is that I dooble my complaint in steede of a song and while theie still saie vnto mee Where is thy God my spirit is the more troobled For thus I thinke then Where is my felicitie where is the full ioie of mine hart where is my true peace and reste Where be all the good things that are vnspeakeable but onlie in my God And when shall I enioie them vnlesse I be ioined vnto him hauing nothing betweene Yea when shall I there bee I knowe not but I beleeue well I doo hope well but yet I haue not Whie then where is my God whome I loue so and yet I see him not Through whose loue I