Selected quad for the lemma: death_n
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A89408
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Medicina Animæ or, the lamentation, and consolation of a sinner. Together with the severall collections out of the Holy Scriptures. By Joshua Mullard.
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Mullard, Joshua.
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1652
(1652)
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Wing M3065; Thomason E1413_1; ESTC R209420
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41,837
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160
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Medicina Animae Or The LAMENTATION And CONSOLATION of a Sinner Together with severall Collections out of the Holy Scriptures By Joshua Mullard I sayd I will confesse my sinnes unto the Lord and so thou forgavest the wickednesse of my sin Psa 32.6 LONDON Printed by Tho. Harper 1652. To the Reader GEntle Reader I began some part of this Penitentiall Meditation long since when it pleased Almighty God to give me a sight of my sinnes and grace to hate and forsake them It may seeme strange that I should make a publicke confession of them when they are only knowne to Almighty God and my selfe But I find David confessing his Adultery and Manasses his Idolatry and S. Paul confessing himselfe to be the greatest of sinners and also I finde that whosoever confesseth his sinnes and forsaketh them shall find mercy I must confesse I did not intend to publish them but that I was prest by many of my friends to it but more especially when I had read the judgement pronounced against the unprofitable servant that hid his Talent Matth. 25.30 I thought it more safety to shew my imperfections to men then to disobey my Redeemer and to lose my Talent I desire thee Reader to read it all over before thou censure and to pardon the imperfections thou meetst with J. M. Medicina Animae Or The great Wound cured Being Pious Meditations and Prayers on the Lamentation and Consolation of a Sinner CHAP. I. O Who shall give water to my head and a fountaine of teares to my eyes that I may bee able to bewayle the losses of my soule with greefe agreeable thereunto for there is a manifest and great cause of sorrow when with the sight of my minde I doe behold my ancient dayes and my youthfull years in this Meditation my spirit hath fayled mee for I know what I was nay rather what I should have beene and understand what I am and fear what I shall be And the lesse I sorrow so much more doe I feare I would to God I sorrowed more that I might fear less But woe to me O Lord for now a long time thou smitest and yet I sorrow not Thou callest me and yet I heare not thou knockest and yet I open not the barre of my hard heart unto thee The sorrows of Death compassed mee round about and being filled with many sorrowes without I feele inwardly no sorrow that may work unto salvation and I feele not onely sorrowes of old age but I am a man of sorrow from my youth upward and all my dayes are full of travell and griefe and yet I sorrow because that alwayes sorrowing I cannot sorrow as I ought to sorrow O marvellous and unspeakable wisdome of the heavenly Physitian O wonderfull goodnesse of the most mercifull God! O singular benefit of him that is the Giver of all good things for thou O Lord givest unto me sorrow lest I should parish in pleasures and that I may learn to rejoyce without offence thou givest me sorrow for a time that I may not suffer everlasting paine thou afflictest my body that thou mayst save my soule Thou scourgest that thou mayest heale thou killest that thou mayest quicken But alas how unwillingly doe I receive thy salve out of the secret hand of thy mercy and being ignorant doe not acknowledge the sovereigne medicine of healthfull sorrow wherein thou art mercifully severe against me and how doe I acknowledge it if earnestly I desire to be delivered from sorrow who without sorrow cannot bee healed for how can hee bee healed without sorrow who by delight is made sicke Therefore O Lord make mee to sorrow and teach mee a saving sorrow that my griefe may bee turned into joy and that I may rejoyce in thy salvation CHAP. II. DAyes passe away and yeeres slide away but I unhappy man after so many corruptions of my soule after so most grievous and long follies doe not yet repent nor am not afflicted for my sinnes but continue the often falling into them againe and care not for rising from heaping new unto old and greater unto lesse What shall I doe O Lord or whither shall I goe when my last time shall come where shall I be hidden from thy wrathfull countenance or whither shall I flie away from thy face when thou shalt call mee unto judgement and require of me an account of the talent bestowd upon me what shall I answer unto thee or how shall I excuse my negligence when thou shalt sit upon thy throne of Majesty and command me to give an account of my stewardship to the uttermost farthing Surely I have nothing to say but Lord I beseech thee to answer for me for who am I that I should answer to thee in judgement but if thou compell me to answer I wil say as a man confounded trembling and fearing O Lord I have gayned nothing thereupon but have wickedly and vainely mispent and consumed thy talent by my base living I should better have sayd by dying but then I thought I lived but I was dead because I lived without thee my true life yea the life of a wicked man may rather bee called death then life I may say I sooner began to die then live first I did not understand what life was when I had forsaken the life of lives and fountaine of life And mallice did supplant my yong age in manifold wickednesses I was scarce come out of my mothers womb but I was already a sinner comming into the world being yet ignorant of sinne I did bewaile the sinnes wherein my parents begot me neyther did I altogether leave bewailing others sinnes when I committed my own which I knew and did not bewayle Being an Infant I followed iniquity and spent my childhood wherin I should have beene pure impurely There breathed slimy vapours from the sinfull corruptions of my flesh and the spring of my youth did shadow my heart that it could not discerne light from darknesse and the clearnesse of the mind from the mist of lust and trayterous and crafty pleasures did carry my weake and forgetfull loose age into the headlong rocke of lust so as I boyled up in wicked desires to be satisfied in Hell From my childhoode I grew to growing yeeres neither was I sooner growing towards youth then my wickednesse did grow ripe and I was bold to grow wild in divers inordinate lusts by the which beeing drawn by the griefe of wickednesse I was drowned to death and destruction the evill and wicked daies of my growing years passed on and I grew towards youth but I returned backwards in filthiness and vanity And as I was elder I was a yong man and came to bee a man but Vice alwaies flourished in me instead of Vertue I waxed old and grey and did not walk in thy waies but as a child being now an Old man I lived childishly Where then at any time have I bin innocent that I should bee judged of thee according to the time of my
innocency though thou didst appoint it me unto judgement for thou art just O Lord and righteous in all thy judgements for thou rendrest to every one according to his works and I feare all mine because they are the workes of darkness And I have been a worker of iniquity from the beginning and have alwaies willingly followed the works and paths of unrighteousness I have wallowed in sin as the Swine in filthiness and as the Prodigall was fed with Husks so was I delighted with filthy and evill words and grieved with earnest and profitable sayings I did communicate with those that wrought iniquity and did banquet with the chief of them and did glory in sin Being mighty in iniquity I loved to excuse and could not accuse my selfe and made heavy my heart and the more incurable is my sinne for that I did not thinke my selfe to be a sinner Neither did I not onely seek a medicine for my soule which was sick unto death but refused it being offered yea with an unreverent and untamed minde was wroth against them that would minister it unto me I despised them that reproved me and imbraced them that spake pleasing unto me and delighted in their speeches that had not their hearts right unto me I studied devices and lies in all things and loved rather darkness then light Behold O Lord I have delivered my selfe unto thee this is the course of my life wherein I have deserved thy wrath this will I answer unto thee when thou shalt ask of me But do not remember the offences of my youth nor my ignorances O Lord and enter not into judgement with thy servant for no living creature shall be justified in thy sight but if thou wilt enter because thou art a God that loveth judgment doe judgement unto me but not justice and judge me according to the judgement of those that love thy name that I may sing unto thee mercy and judgement Remember O Lord that though I am wicked yet I am thy servant and the son of thy handmaid and do not looke into the multitude of my sinnes but unto the greatness of thy mercies and when thou shalt be angry with me for my wickednesse remember thy mercy and be not angry with me for ever but have mercy upon thy afflicted servant that my soule may praise thee and confess thy mercifulness CHAP. III. VVOE unto mee wretched man because I have made my Redeemer angry with me and I have rebelliously neglected his Law and I have willingly forsaken the right way and as a sheepe that refuseth the shepheard I have been carried far and wide round about through dry unwatered places wandring in the wildernesse of wickednesse and not in the right way I have gone to all rough and unaccessible places and every where was anguish and tribulation I have beene wearied in the way of iniquity and perdition and have walked in hard wayes seeking rest and finding none because I did not seek thee O Lord but was in a barren land in the country of Death where is no rest but continuall labor affliction of spirit dwelleth there I dwelt in anguish with pleasures and amongst thornes did I make my bed and sleep in death and hoped for rest in torments now therfore what shal I doe whither shall I turne my selfe in these great dangers All the hopes of my youth are faln down and I am like one that suffereth shipwrack who having lost all his wealth swimmeth away naked being tost with the wind and sea and am driven far from the haven of happiness and doe not take hold of the way of salvation but am carried away on the left hand the enemy had placed nets for me which way soever I went and snares for my feet and I despised them and walked securely in slippery places and flattered my selfe in sins I thought youth was not held by the lawes of death and being deceived by this confidence I followed the filthy desires of the flesh and gave the reines beyond the measure of sensuality following it wheresoever the force thereof did carry me and sayd like a foole in my heart Wherefore doest thou think of the end before the middle thou hast many dayes yet remayning and mayst bee converted when thou listest so waxed I old in sin and a most wicked custome was turned into nature and now as a bondslave to sinne I serve as it were chayned and as a mad man haling his owne flesh seeketh to hurt himselfe all reason of deliberation being quenched so I more grievously and dangerously have hated my owne soule for the impenitency of my heart and obstinate wilfulnesse hath layd violent hands upon me and hath distracted and disturbed my poore distressed soule and so having brought unto my selfe the horrour of Hell every day more and more according to the hardnesse of my impenitent heart I doe heap up wrath against the day of wrath I have made triall sometimes to shake off the old yoke but am not able because it cleaveth to my bones Oh that at length it may fall from my necke that I may love thee though late It shall surely fall away if thou command O Lord and send me help from above I confesse I have not deserved it but thou O most gracious giver who makest the Sun to rise indifferently upon the good as also upon the bad and grantest temporall blessings to the unworthy even when they aske them not how canst thou deny spirituall things to those that require them have mercy upon me therfore O Lord and fulfill the desires of a poore penitent sinner thou that art rich in mercy and wont cheerefully to have mercy and doest purge the will from evil custome and hearest the groanings of those that are bound and loosest us from the bonds which wee have made to our selves unlesse wee refuse thy mercy Give thy right hand unto the worke of thy hands that when I fall I may not be bruised and that I may not be drawn into the deep pit of perdition Deliver mee from the mouth of the cruell Lion that is ready for the prey and gapeth for my soule that hee may devour it for thou onely art my protector and my deliverer and in thy mercy is my hope let thy mercy therefore be shewed unto me as I have trusted in thee Lord in thee do I put my whole trust and confidence Lord let me never be confounded CHAP. IV. MY nights pass away in grief and vex mee with innumerable terrors my Conscience shaketh mee while I am awake and I am tormented therewith as if I were wounded with a two edged sword my sleep is troubled with divers illusions bringing me no rest but travell I watch all night in my thoughts and when as being wearied I do endeavour to give some sleep to my eye-lids by and by sleep departeth from my eies and when I sleep I sleep alwayes in sorrow being wakened with an unquiet weariness from the Care of the day and all