Medicina Animae Or The LAMENTATION And CONSOLATION of a Sinner Together with severall Collections out of the Holy Scriptures By Joshua Mullard I sayd I will confesse my sinnes unto the Lord and so thou forgavest the wickednesse of my sin Psa 32.6 LONDON Printed by Tho. Harper 1652. To the Reader GEntle Reader I began some part of this Penitentiall Meditation long since when it pleased Almighty God to give me a sight of my sinnes and grace to hate and forsake them It may seeme strange that I should make a publicke confession of them when they are only knowne to Almighty God and my selfe But I find David confessing his Adultery and Manasses his Idolatry and S. Paul confessing himselfe to be the greatest of sinners and also I finde that whosoever confesseth his sinnes and forsaketh them shall find mercy I must confesse I did not intend to publish them but that I was prest by many of my friends to it but more especially when I had read the judgement pronounced against the unprofitable servant that hid his Talent Matth. 25.30 I thought it more safety to shew my imperfections to men then to disobey my Redeemer and to lose my Talent I desire thee Reader to read it all over before thou censure and to pardon the imperfections thou meetst with J. M. Medicina Animae Or The great Wound cured Being Pious Meditations and Prayers on the Lamentation and Consolation of a Sinner CHAP. I. O Who shall give water to my head and a fountaine of teares to my eyes that I may bee able to bewayle the losses of my soule with greefe agreeable thereunto for there is a manifest and great cause of sorrow when with the sight of my minde I doe behold my ancient dayes and my youthfull years in this Meditation my spirit hath fayled mee for I know what I was nay rather what I should have beene and understand what I am and fear what I shall be And the lesse I sorrow so much more doe I feare I would to God I sorrowed more that I might fear less But woe to me O Lord for now a long time thou smitest and yet I sorrow not Thou callest me and yet I heare not thou knockest and yet I open not the barre of my hard heart unto thee The sorrows of Death compassed mee round about and being filled with many sorrowes without I feele inwardly no sorrow that may work unto salvation and I feele not onely sorrowes of old age but I am a man of sorrow from my youth upward and all my dayes are full of travell and griefe and yet I sorrow because that alwayes sorrowing I cannot sorrow as I ought to sorrow O marvellous and unspeakable wisdome of the heavenly Physitian O wonderfull goodnesse of the most mercifull God! O singular benefit of him that is the Giver of all good things for thou O Lord givest unto me sorrow lest I should parish in pleasures and that I may learn to rejoyce without offence thou givest me sorrow for a time that I may not suffer everlasting paine thou afflictest my body that thou mayst save my soule Thou scourgest that thou mayest heale thou killest that thou mayest quicken But alas how unwillingly doe I receive thy salve out of the secret hand of thy mercy and being ignorant doe not acknowledge the sovereigne medicine of healthfull sorrow wherein thou art mercifully severe against me and how doe I acknowledge it if earnestly I desire to be delivered from sorrow who without sorrow cannot bee healed for how can hee bee healed without sorrow who by delight is made sicke Therefore O Lord make mee to sorrow and teach mee a saving sorrow that my griefe may bee turned into joy and that I may rejoyce in thy salvation CHAP. II. DAyes passe away and yeeres slide away but I unhappy man after so many corruptions of my soule after so most grievous and long follies doe not yet repent nor am not afflicted for my sinnes but continue the often falling into them againe and care not for rising from heaping new unto old and greater unto lesse What shall I doe O Lord or whither shall I goe when my last time shall come where shall I be hidden from thy wrathfull countenance or whither shall I flie away from thy face when thou shalt call mee unto judgement and require of me an account of the talent bestowd upon me what shall I answer unto thee or how shall I excuse my negligence when thou shalt sit upon thy throne of Majesty and command me to give an account of my stewardship to the uttermost farthing Surely I have nothing to say but Lord I beseech thee to answer for me for who am I that I should answer to thee in judgement but if thou compell me to answer I wil say as a man confounded trembling and fearing O Lord I have gayned nothing thereupon but have wickedly and vainely mispent and consumed thy talent by my base living I should better have sayd by dying but then I thought I lived but I was dead because I lived without thee my true life yea the life of a wicked man may rather bee called death then life I may say I sooner began to die then live first I did not understand what life was when I had forsaken the life of lives and fountaine of life And mallice did supplant my yong age in manifold wickednesses I was scarce come out of my mothers womb but I was already a sinner comming into the world being yet ignorant of sinne I did bewaile the sinnes wherein my parents begot me neyther did I altogether leave bewailing others sinnes when I committed my own which I knew and did not bewayle Being an Infant I followed iniquity and spent my childhood wherin I should have beene pure impurely There breathed slimy vapours from the sinfull corruptions of my flesh and the spring of my youth did shadow my heart that it could not discerne light from darknesse and the clearnesse of the mind from the mist of lust and trayterous and crafty pleasures did carry my weake and forgetfull loose age into the headlong rocke of lust so as I boyled up in wicked desires to be satisfied in Hell From my childhoode I grew to growing yeeres neither was I sooner growing towards youth then my wickednesse did grow ripe and I was bold to grow wild in divers inordinate lusts by the which beeing drawn by the griefe of wickednesse I was drowned to death and destruction the evill and wicked daies of my growing years passed on and I grew towards youth but I returned backwards in filthiness and vanity And as I was elder I was a yong man and came to bee a man but Vice alwaies flourished in me instead of Vertue I waxed old and grey and did not walk in thy waies but as a child being now an Old man I lived childishly Where then at any time have I bin innocent that I should bee judged of thee according to the time of my
yet thou hatest not the sinner neither dost thou rejoyce in his destruction therefore though he tarry long before his conversion yet thou dost patiently look for him O how sweet and pleasant is that saying wherewith thou hast given hope and comfort to my soule thou hast plaid the harlot with many lovers yet returne thou unto me and I will receive thee How delightfull and pleasant is that word wherewith thou comfortest sinners that are in despaire of themselves I if a sinner repent him for all his sinnes he shall live and not die for the death of a sinner is not thy will for with great joy I heare thee when thou saist that the sheepe that had gone astray shall be brought home upon the Shepheards shoulders and that the groat shall be layd up in the treasures the neighbours rejoycing with the woman that found it and the joy of the solemnity of that house did force tears from me when I read of the younger sonne that was dead and lived againe Therefore give O Lord unto my soul the voice of thy vertue and not of thy vertue alone which shaketh off the sleep of souls but also the beams of thy light which doth shew to men their sins but giveth light also to the hidden places of darknesse Let thy voyce sound in the years of my heart and say unto my sleeping soule why art thou so long oppressed with a deadly sleep and kept in Captive bonds It is now time that thou forsake thy sins and to returne to thy Maker that Redeemed thee Returne O thou Shunamite returne that I may behold thee to return and defer no longer to come to mee for I am the Lord thy God that calleth thee I am he that blotteth out thine iniquities for my selfe neither carry in remembrance things past Then will I say boldly to my soule turne thee to thy rest for the Lord hath done well unto thee go safely unto him and though thou be weary in thy wicked waies go on the swifter in the waies of goodnesse that thou mayest the sooner take rest be not made afraid for thy sins for if they be as red as scarlet they shall be made as white as snow as a Cloud they shall be put away and fear not to be accused of boldness where thou art praised for obedience Go and make hast O my soule unto him that came not to call the righteous but sinners and if thou art a sinner thy God is the God of sinners wherefore dost thou fear to go thou that art not called of a cruell Judge but by the Father of mercy that thou mayest obtaine mercy therefore go now willingly being called to mercy that thou be not hereafter compelled to go unto judgement In thee O Lord do I trust wherefore I will not be ashamed to confesse unto thee my deformities and blasphemies who was not ashamed to confesse them before men and to barke against thee Let the Pharises murmure and say who can forgive sins but God alone for it is God that speaketh unto mee and to whosoever that putteth his trust in him he that calleth me is mild and pittifull and in his wrath remembreth mercy and therefore upon thy words wil I assuredly come unto thee O my God my trust and my portion in the Land of the living I will come and fall downe before thee and not fear thy Majesty because thou callest me and that I offend not thine eyes when I shall appeare uncleane in thy sight I will wash away my filthiness with continuall tears and my ey-lids shall not rest from weeping but my bed shal be privy to my sorrow wherin I hope to please thee though I displease my selfe and being by thee converted unto thee I repent mee of those things that I have commited against thee that I may praise thee with a clear heart saying O Lord who is like unto thee for then is thy praise seemly in the mouth of a Sinner and hee that hath sowed in teares shall reap in gladness CHAP. VII HAve mercy upon me O Lord for I am in trouble and vexed with unspeakable miseries for flouds of iniquity doe vex mee and the waters have entred into my soule as a River that is overflown for my sins which I have hitherto dissembled and much neglected to confesse and amend are growne so high that they have passed over my head and bowed my minde and will to the concupiscence of sensuall desires yea made mee subject to the slavery of the Divell Woe bee unto me for I am mortally wounded and there is no health in me from the crown of my head to the sole of my foot for my enemie hath supplanted me and as a most cruell tyrant tormented me and hath deprived mee of all my senses leaving only my understanding thereby joyning the knowledge of my hurt and losse that hee might also increase my sorrowes hee had done little hurt if hee had deprived me of the use of all my senses and had made mee utterly senslesse in all my actions but he hath deprived me thereof for doing that which is good and hath violently enforced me unto evill and hath so infected my minde which is altogether bent towards things with a certaine astonishment of inward senselesnesse that she cannot feele her inward hurts for when I should have heard I was deafe and turned my eares from the truth when it had beene fitter for mee to stop my eares from hearing unprofitable things and the toyes of many men I was swift to heare and a gentle hearer Heavenly things I tasted unsavoury and my soule loathed all spirituall meats but I judged earthly things sweeter then honey or the honey combe I was blind and an earthly man in beholding those things that were good but worldly things I looked on with a proud eye and desired them with an unsatiable heart neyther in my senses alone but my members also which God gave me for the service of my soule did the ancient enemy shut up from mee the way of salvation and prepared such cruell ambushes against mee in this cruell siedge as I was never able to avoyde them and as often as I tried to flie away I fell into his hands for I did offend both by seeing and refusing to see by hearing and by being deafe by speaking and holding my peace to conclude I changed all the peculiar and common use of my senses and members into a filthy abuse burning in my uncleane desires for that I have transgressed all the Lawes both of God and man and Nature and have lived diligently onely observing the lawes of sin I would to God I had been only so and now were not but alasse because I am the same that before I was and nothing changed from that I followed the worst for my sicke will doth yet beare rule and my most soule and stinking soule that is filled every where with horrible sores that doth proceed only from it selfe doeth still persevere in the old evills
my inward parts are inflamed without rest the meat which before I desired is made abominable to my soule and my drink is mingled with teares and confusion is before my eyes and redness in my cheekes when I remember how grievously I have offended thee O my God and in how many thoughts deeds and desires I have abused my strength and thy gifts I have spent in vanity Everlasting cares have consumed me and being carried hither and thither with sensless cogitations I have spent my time I feigned to my self dreams sometimes and rejoyced and vanished away being deluded in vanities and madness To conclude I lived in all kinde of pleasure in the world being banished far from the delights of thy house and if at any time the fear of death and the last judgement did quicken my sloath and for a little time call me from the deep gulph of pleasures by and by I returned as a dog to his vomit being dead in them I yet live and abiding in death I hasten to death and see death swift by comming to mee But let thy mercy quickly prevent me before the terrible day of misery and calamity doe come the great and bitter day that though I die I may live and declare thy mercies above all thy workes Look back Lord and behold how my soule lieth in her concupiscence sicke of the Palsey and is evill vexed therewith deliver it from death that it may cleave to thee alone who art only the true life and leaving all others follow thee that art above all say unto my soule O Lord God of my salvation be it unto thee as thou desirest make mee to heare this thy voyce a voyce of rejoycing and salvation that I may run after thee and take hold of thee and not let thee go untill thou sendest mee whole away for being sick to whom should I go but to thee that I may be cured or who can heale my infirmities but he that for me and mankind came down from Heaven that they may be healed of their griefs who can quicken but he that can mortifie and quicken all things who can save but thou O my God and Saviour save mee therefore and quicken me thou that art the life and salvation everlasting of all that put their trust in thee and to thee that art without beginning be glory without end To thee bee Praise and Honour to thee be continuall Worship and thanksgiving thou art the everlasting Spring of mercy for I was gone far from thee and did run away and yet thou doest speedily come to him that is sick and doth run away when he doth call upon thee and dost grant his health before thou hearest his sighs for to bee willing to bee healed is enough that thou shouldest heale and to bee willing to live that thou shouldest grant life and in the blessings of thy sweetness dost prevent the desires of a sinner that doth know himselfe therefore I will say unto thee I know my iniquity and what it is to know because all my bones are vexed within me and my soule is very much troubled for my sin Behold I lay all my iniquities before thy sight O my God that thou mightest heale and cure my soule because it hath sinned against thee for thou art a God that desirest not the death of a sinner but rather that hee should be converted and live for the dead shall not praise thee O Lord but wee that live doe blesse thee O Lord and do confesse that thy mercy is everlasting and thy compassions never faile CHAP. V. I Have revealed my miseries to thee O Lord not to make knowne my wayes unto thee that didst not know them all from the beginning and hast numbred all my steps for thou knowest the hidden places of darknesse and all things are naked open to thy eye and thou doest not only see but discerne the lurking places of our thoughts and the marrow of our affections but I uncover that thou mayest cover and protect I reveale that thou mayst hide and give mee an humble and contrite spirit and by the offering of this sacrifice which is most acceptable unto thee be mercifull unto me and forgive me my sins I have spoken many and great things and yet sayd little for the worme of my conscience doeth pricke mee in more I would to God it might draw away the rottenness that by grieving it might consume it and withall bee it selfe consumed but woe is mee for when I think I have made an end of telling my evills then am I constrayned as it were to begin againe and my memory being full of uncleanesse doeth abundantly remember much more filthinâ—sse for I have sinned above the number of the sands of the seas and if I had a hundred tongues and a hundred mouthes I shall scarse answer one of a thousand thousand yet that increaseth all my griefe that I cannot remember all my filthiness past and the fleshly corruptions of my soule for while I forget new sins I forget the old but those that I remember I will not hide not that I will love them again more but that I may love thee more earnestly O my God and that I remembring my wicked waies in the bitterness of my remembrance thou mayest be sweet unto me by the pardon of them But I have not purged the old but rather from them did spring up many new sinnes for the which I am as it were cast out from before thy face O my God and being deprived of the comfort of thy presence I fall almost into desperation knowing not whither I goe and who will look upon my face if thou turn away from me and as a Reprobate deprive me of thy sight I shall undoubtedly become hatefull unto all men and as a wanderer and a runnagate in the Land I shall be made a slave unto them when they shall aske of mee where is thy God and wherfore hath he put thee from him what shall I doe therfore O wretched man that I am or what shall I say when I see my self estranged from thy protection and forsaken in the midst of my enemies that fight mightily against me I will seek thy face O Lord and with sighes and teares beseech thee not to leave me nor in anger to depart from thy servant for all mine enemies follow me as a fugitive to destroy my soule and therefore I must seeke refuge at thy hands to whom I flie O my God my strength my health my refuge in the day of tribulation for as there is no God besides thee so there is no Saviour besides thee Thou therfore O Lord that knowest all my miseries and from whom the workes of my weaknesse are not hidden cast behind thy back all my offences and doe not remember all my old iniquities but save me according to thy mercy from all those that persecute mee and deliver mee because there is none can redeem me and save me but thou O Lord who savest all
staffe of his pitty wherefore O Lord and Father albeit I am a sinner yet I doe not cease to be thy Son because thou hast made me and new made me again like as I have sinned so correct mee and amend me commit me to the care and custody of thy only begotten Son Jesus Christ our Lord Is it possible for a woman to forget the childe of her own wombe and albeit she should forget it yet thou O most mercifull Father hast promised not to forget the same Behold I cry and thou dost not heare mee I am afflicted with griefe and thou dost not comfort me what shall I doe or say being in this extream misery alas I am altogether comfortless and which is worse am chased from thy presence wretch that I am from how great good into how great evill am I fallen whither did I attempt to go and whither am I come where am I and where am I not how is it that I that did sigh after Heaven do now sigh through so great tribulation I have sought comfort and have found affliction and truly it is better for me not to be then to be without thee O sweet Saviour It is better not to live then to live without thee the onely true life where are now O Lord Jesu thine accustomed mercies wilt thou bee displeased with me alwaies be appeased I beseech thee and take pitty of me and turne not away thy loving face from me who to redeeme mee hast not turned away thy face from those that did mocke and spit upon thee I confesse that I have sinned and my conscience doth adjudge mee worthy of damnation neither is my repentance sufficient to make satisfaction nevertheless it is a thing infallible that thy mercy doth surmount all offences whatsoever be it never so abhominable wherefore O most mercifull Lord I beseech thee enter not into judgement with thy servant but according to the multitude of thy mercies blot out mine iniquities wo be to me at the day of judgement when the Bookes of our Consciences shall be opened wherein our actions are registred when of mee it shall be openly proclaimed see here the man and his deeds committed what shal I do O Lord my God at that dreadfull day when the Heavens shal reveal my iniquities and the earth shal bear witnesse against me verily I shal be mute and able to say nothing but holding downe my head through shame and confusion I shall stand before thee shaking and blushing alas what shall I say I will call and cry unto thee O Lord my God why am I consumed being silent nevertheless if I speake my griefe will not cease and if I hold I shall inwardly be tormented with unspeakable bitterness weep O my soule and make lamentation as a yong married woman for the death of her new married husband weep and bewaile thy misery for that thy Bridegroome which is Christ hath forsaken thee O anger of the Almighty rush not upon mee because thou canst not be contained in me verily there is nothing in me that is able to contain thee take pitty of me lest I despaire of thy mercy that by despairing of my selfe I may finde comfort in thee and albeit I have done that for which thou mayest justly condemne me yet thou hast not lost thy accustomed property of shewing mercy and pitty thou O Lord dost not desire the death of sinners neither dost thou take pleasure in the perdition of those that die nay rather that those that were dead might live Thou thy selfe hast died and thy death hath been the death of that death that was due to sinners and if thou dying they have lived grant O Lord I beseech thee that thou living I may not die let thy heavenly hand help mee and deliver mee from the hands of those that hate me lest they insult and rejoyce over me saying we have devoured him How is it possible O blessed Saviour that ever any one can despaire of thy mercy who when wee were thy enemies hast redeemed us with thy most precious bloud and reconciled us to God Behold O Lord protected with the shaddow of thy mercy I run craving pardon to the throne of thy glory calling and knocking untill thou take pitty on mee for if thou hast called as to pardon even when wee did not seek it by how much more shall we obtaine pardon if we ask it remember not thy justice O blessed Saviour towards mee thy creature remember not thine anger towards mee guilty but bee mindfull of thy mercy towards me in misery forget my Pride provoking thee to displeasure and weigh my wretchedness imploring thy favour for what doth thy sacred Name Jesus signifie but only a Saviour wherefore O Saviour Jesu be thou my succour and protection and say unto my soule I am thy salvation I doe presume very much of thy divine bounty because thou thy selfe dost teach us to aske seeke and knocke at the doore of thy mercy wherefore I doe aske seeke and knock at thy doore as by thy word thou hast commanded mee to do thou therefore that willest me to aske grant that I may receive thou that dost bid me seek grant me likewise to find thou that dost teach me to knock open unto mee knocking at the doore of thy mercy recover me being diseased repair me being crazed raise mee being dead vouchsafe likewise so to direct and governe all my sences thoughts and actions in that which is pleasing unto thee that I may from henceforth faithfully serv thee and that I may live and give my selfe wholely unto thee I know O Lord that by reason thou hast made me I do owe my selfe unto thee and by reason thou hast redeemed me and hast been made man for me I do owe if I had it to give thee much more then my self unto thee by how much greater then mee thou art who hast given thy self for me I have nothing else to give thee neither can I give thee this without thee take mee therefore and draw mee unto thee that I mâ—y be thine by immitation and affection like as I am by condition and creation CHAP. IX TAke pity O Lord take pity O mercifull Saviour of mee a most miserable sinner doing things worthy of blame and worthily suffering for the same being by thee daily afflicted for that continually I am found to offend if I ponder the evill which I daily commit that which I endure is nothing in comparison of it that which I have done being much more grievous then my affliction thou art just O Lord and right is thy judgement all thy judgements are just and true thou O Lord our God art just and full of goodness neyther is there in thee any wickedness because when we doe offend thou doest not unjustly and cruelly afflict us who when wee were not hast powerfully made us and when for our sins wee were guilty of damnation thou hast by thy wonderfull mercy and goodness set us in a state of
reconciled me unto thee when thou didst abhor me for my sins thou didst send him from heaven to me to shew that thou art ready to heare him for us therefore in him I come unto thee in him I will call upon thee O my Redeemer Preserver and my Saviour to thee be praise with the Father and the Holy Spirit for ever Amen Who shall stay mee from my Father and my Brother and my Comforter I Owe God a death as his Son died for me ever since I was borne I have been sayling towards this Haven and gathering patience to comfort this houre therefore shall I be one of those guests now that would not come to the banquet when they were invited what hurt is in going to Paradice I shall lose nothing but the sense of evil and anon I shall have greater joyes then I feele pains for my head is in Heaven already to assure me that my soule and body shall follow after O Death where is thy sting why should I fear that which I would not escape because my chiefest happiness is behind and I cannot have it unlesse I go unto it I would goe through Hell to Heaven and therefore if I march but through death I suffer lesse then I would for God my pains do not dismay me because I travell to bring forth eternall life my sins do not affright me because I have Christ my Redeemer the Judge doth not astonish me because the Judges Son is my Advocate the Devill doth not amaze me because the Angels pitch about mee the grave doth not grieve me because it was my Lords bed O that Gods mercies to me might move others to love him for the less I can expresse it the more it is the Prophets and Apostles are my forerunners every man is gone before me or else he will follow after me if it please God to receive mee into Heaven before them that have served him better I owe more thanks to him and because I have deferred my repentance till this houre wherby my salvation is cut off if I should dye suddenly lo how my God in his mercifull providence to prevent my destruction calleth me by a lingring sickness which stayeth till I be ready and prepareth me to my end lik a Preacher and makes me by wofull pains wery of this beloved world lest I should depart unwillingly like them whose death is their damnation so he loveth me whilst he beateth mee that his stripes are Plaisters to salve me therefore who shal love him if I forsake him this is my whole desire now to strengthen my body with my heart and to be contented as God hath appoynted untill I glorifie him or he glorifie mee If I live I live to sacrifice if I die I die a sacrifice for his mercy is above my iniquity therefore if I should fear death it were a signe that I had not faith nor hope as I professed but that I doubted of Gods truth in his promise whether he will forgive his penitent sinners or no. It is my Father let him doe what seemeth good in his sight Come Lord Jesus for thy servant commeth I am willing help my unwillingnesses For the Morning NOw that the day star doth arise Beg we of God with huÌ„ble cries Hurtfull things to keep away While we duly spend the day Our tongues to guide so that no strife May breed disquiet in our life To shut and close the wandring eye Lest it let in vanity To keep the heart as pure and free From â—â—nd and troubled fantasie To tame proud flesh while we deny it A full cup and wanton diet That when the day light shall go out Time bringing on the night about We by leaving worldly wayes May in silence sing God prayse Amen Come Holy Ghost our soules inspire And lighten with celestiall fire Thou the anointing spirit art Who dost thy sevenfold gifts impart Thy blessed unction from above Is comfort life and fire of love 〈…〉 with perpetuall light The … nesse of my blinded sight Anoâ—â—t and cheere my soyled face With the abundance of thy grace Keep 〈◊〉 my â—oes give peace at hom Where thou art guide no ill can com Teach mee to know the father son And thee of both to be but one That through the Ages all along This may be my endles song Prayse to thy Eternall Merit Father Son and Holy Spirit A Prayer for the Morning O Lord be mercifull unto mee a miserable sinner O Lord I beseech thee let thine eares bee attentive unto the prayer of thy servant that desires to feare thy name and prosper I pray thee thy servant this day And good Lord I beseech thee send thy holy Spirit into my soule so to teach mee to pray unto thee that both my selfe and my prayers may be acceptable in thy sight O Lord my strength and my Redeemer And good Lord I beseech thee to remove all my sinnes out of thy sight that they may neither hinder my prayers from ascending up unto thee nor thy mercies from descending downe upon me And good Lord I humbly beseech thee to banish out of my heart and soule all evil thoughts and desires all fond love and affection all carnall lust and concupiscence and whatsoever else may any way hinder mee from the true love and worship of thy divine and sacred Majesty O Eternall God maker and high possessour both of Heaven and Earth looke downe I humbly beseech thee with pity and compassion upon a poor miserable distressed sinner who am not worthy to lift up my eyes towards the throne of thy divine and sacred Majesty much lesse worthy of any of thy mercies and gracious blessings which continually from time to time thou hast beene pleased to bestow upon mee for O Lord so many and so mighty are my sinnes wherewith I have offended thy divine and sacred Majesty both in thought word deed and desire that if thou shouldst enter into judgement with mee and deale with mee according to thy justice and my desert I must expect nothing but eternall death and damnation But I most humbly beseech thee for Jesus Christ his sake that it wil please thee to have mercy upon me and to pardon me all my sinnes and offences and to remove all those judgements away from mee which my sinnes have deserved and give mee grace ever heerafter to amend my ungodly life and to love and serve and honour thee truly faithfully and unfeignedly without pride presumption vaine glory and hypocrisie from these and all other deadly sinnes good Lord deliver me And good Father I give thee most humble thanks for all thy mercies and gracious blessings which continually from time to time thou hast been pleased to bestow upon me more especially for that it hath pleased thee this night past to preserve me from all evills notwithstanding all my sinnes and ill deserts Lord thou mightest have made my bed my grave and throwne my soule into the deep pit of hell hadst thou dealt with mee according
light so that now I see thankes be to thee O Lord who hast inlightened me and I looked backe and beheld the darknesse wherein I had lived and the deepe darke dungeon wherein I had remained which made me with feare and trembling to cry out saying wo is mee in respect of the darknesse in which I have remained wo is mee in respect of my former blindness in which I could not see the light of Heaven wo is mee in respect of my former ignorance when I did not know thee O Lord thanks therefore be to thee O my Inlightner and Deliverer for that thou hast inlightned me and I have knowne thee Too too late have I knowne thee O ancient Verity too late have I known thee O eternall Truth thou remainest in light and I in darknesse and I knew thee not because I could not be inlightned without thee for that there is no light besides thee O God! the Holy of Holies the God of Gods and Lord of Lords of inestimable Majesty whose wonderfull greatnesse cannot bee uttered or imagined before whom the Angelicall powers doe shake for feare O most mighty most holy and most powerfull God the God of the spirits or souls of all mortall creatures from whose sight the Heavens and the earth doe flie away for fear to whom all the Elemens doe obey at a becke let all thy creatures adore and glorifie thee amongst whom I unworthy wretch the sonne of thy handmaid do bow downe the neck of my heart under the feet of thy supreame Majesty being taught so to doe by the faith which thou hast given me rendring thanks unto thee for that thou hast vouchsafed by thy mercy to inlighten me O Light most true sacred and delightfull most worthy of praise and most admirable which inlighteneth every man comming into this world yea the eies of the Angels themselvs Behold now I see for which I humbly thanke thee Behold now I see the light of Heaven a heavenly bright beam proceeding from the face of thy brightness doth shine upon the eies of my mind which maketh all my bones to rejoyce Oh that this light were perfect it me increase it in mee O authour o◠light I beseech thee increase I beseech thee that light that shineth in mee let it bee augmented I beseech thee by thee O fire which doest alwayes burn and art never extinguished enflame me O light which doest alwayes shine and art never darkned enlighten me Oh that I were made hot by thee O sacred fire how sweetly dost thou heate how secretly doest thou shine how desiredly dost thou burn Woe be to those that are not made hot by thee woe bee to those that are not enlightned by thee O true light enlightning all the world whose brightnesse doeth replenish all the world Woe bee to those blind eyes which doe not see thee who art the Sunne that giveth light both to Heaven and Earth Woe be to those dim eyes which cannot see thee Woe be to those eies that are turned away frō seeing verity Woe be to those eyes that are not turned away from seeing vanity Verily those eyes that are accustomed to darkness cannot behold the bright beames of thy supreame righteousness neither do they know what to thinke of the light whose dwelling is in darknesse They see love and approve the darknesse so that walking from one darknesse into another they stumble and tumble they know not whither Doubtlesse they are wretched that know not what they lose but they are more wretched that know what they lose who fall with their eyes open and descend alive into perdition O light most blessed who canst not be seen of those eyes that are never so little defiled Blessed are the clean in heart for they shall see God Cleanse me O cleansing vertue cure mine eyes to the end that with sound and cleare eyes I may bee able to behold thee Remoove from my eyes the scales of my former blindnesse by the means of thy brightness that I may be able stedfastly to behold thee and in thy light I may see light Behold O my light now I see for which I most humbly thank thee Let this my light O Lord I beseech thee be increased by thee Open mine eyes that I may see the wonderfull things of thy Law I give thee thankes O my light for that I now see albeit obscurely as it were in a Mirrour or looking glasse but when shall I see thee apparently face to face Oh when will that day of joy and mirth arive in which I shall enter into the place of thy Tabernacle so mach to bee admired even into the house of my God to the end I may see him face to face that seeth me that so my desire may be accomplished CHAP. XIII I Have exceedingly sinned and I know my offences to bee many which I have committed yet I do not despayre because where sinnes have abounded there grace hath superabounded He that dispayreth of obtayning pardon for his sinnes denieth God to be mercifull hee doth God a great injury that mistrusteth his mercy as much as in him lieth he denieth God to have charity truth and power in which three doth depend my whole confidence that is in the charity of his adoption in the trueth of his promise and in the power of his redemption I cannot bee terrified with the multitude of my sinnes if the death of my Saviour come into my minde because my sinnes cannot overcome the multitude of his mercy The wounds of my Saviour doe tell me that I am truly reconciled to him if I love him wherefore blessed Saviour give me grace to love thee truly and sincerely because love chaseth forth feare verily the whole world doth not afford such a powerfull and present remedy against sinne as is the death of my Redeemer He stretcheth forth his armes on the Crosse and spreads out his hands as one ready to imbrace sinners I purpose to live and desire to die betweene the armes of Christ that hath saved me there will I sing securely I will extoll thee O Lord for thou hast received me and hast not permitted mine enemies to triumph over me Who more can crave Then God for me hath done To free a slave That gave his only Son Blest be that houre When he repair'd my losse I never will Forget my Saviours Crosse Whose death revives My soule once was I dead But now I 'le rayse Againe my drooping head And singing say And saying sing for ever Blest be my Lord That did my soule deliver CHAP. XIV I Render unto the most humble thanks O most gratious and mercifull God for that comming loader with so many and so grievous sins to make my humble confession unto thy divine and sacred Majesty thou art pleased to give mee the grace that I am not ashamed to open my sins and iniquities unto thee whereby I may obtaine thy pardon which being granted unto me by thy mercy and the merits of my Saviour Christ
that trust in thee and deliverest the poore from the mighty and from the hands of them that are stronger then he Hide not therefore thy face from mee O Lord neither despise me my saving God my strength and my deliverer for I am poor and in misery and thine eies look upon the poore and if thy justice seeke me hide me in the bosome of thy mercy wherin thou hast with long suffering beene with me and invited me to repentance for thou art long suffering and very patient and exceeding mercifull above all my wickedness yea nothing is more proper to thee O Lord then to spare and therefore thou hast mercy upon all and drawest the sonnes of men to repentance because thou canst do all and thou sparest all because they are thine O Lord thou lovest souls turn me therefore unto thee and deliver my poore afflicted soule from danger that my mouth may bee filled with thy praise and say unto thee Blessed be thou O Lord who hast not suffered me to be delivered into the hands of my adversaries except thou O Lord hadst been my Helper they had swallowed me up quicke my soule as a sparrow was delivered from the snare of the Fowler the snare is broken and I am delivered CHAP. VI. O Wretched man that I am what shall doe for the great wild Beast hath almost devoured my soule and I have been made a prey to the enemy he hath spoyled me of all those goods wherewith thou O Lord hast beautified me and I am afraid to appear before thee I departed rich and beautifull from thy face and went wandring after filthiness in a corrupt way and in the wickednesse of my heart my soule is made black and the excellent colour thereof is changed and I have so impoverished and deformed my self by wearing the foul garment of sinne according to the likeness of Adams offence as thou O Lord wilt not know mee according to the image wherein thou hast created mee and wilt not suffer mee as a scab'd sheepe to dwell among the sheepe of thy pasture How then shall I presume to returne to the presence of thy Divine Majesty in whose sight the Heavens are not cleane but empty vile and unclean or how shall I presume to communicate amongst thy chosen people being made foolish by offending I desire to return unto thee though ashamed and afrayd trusting to thy mercy for thou art a sweet Father to thy Sonne that did travel into a farre Countrey be more sweet to him when he returneth from a long pilgrimage O my God I want power to come to thee for I am kept fast bound by a most cruell robber not with strong iron but with iron of my own will wherof the enemy hath made a chaine for me and bringeth my heart into sorrow slavery and bitterness my refuge is far from mee for salvation is far from sinners and I am compelled to die in most miserable bondage unless thou O Lord looking down from Heaven dost help me I stick fast in the slimy filth of the earth and a tempest of temptations even like the wavs of the cruel sea hath overwhelmed me and almost drowned me so that I am in despair of avoyding these eminent dangers unless thou O Lord shalt take me up for the more I endeavour to rise the more I am bruised I am both within and without troublesome to my selfe and every where I do find domestick enemies that doe beat mee down I looke on the right hand and on the left and see none to whom I may commit my selfe in safety but every where feare doth shake me and to whomsoever I come I find not a faithfull friend and how should I find any when my selfe doe not keep my faith given to my God I have sought meanes to comfort mee in my afflictions and calamities and there was none of my deare friends that would comfort mee but I met with friends that were full of words nay dumb rather and therefore dumb O my God because thy word did not sound from their lips who did condemn my wants without Compassion and did falsely provoke strife against me I have often consented to foolish deceivers and swerving from the right Path I ignorant agreed to their opinions and by little and little was brought to such toyes and madness as though by the helpe of thy Grace I never departed from thy true Religion yet I did believe in many fables which makes me unexcusable for that when I knew thee to bee alwaies a God in truth I did not worship thee in spirit and in truth but changed this truth into lies and served the creature rather then the Creator and sought my selfe and my pleasures in corruptible things But thou O Lord and my Saviour proceed on and as thou hast made me by true faith to acknowledge thee awaken me up from the sleep of sin that I never sleep unto death lighten kindle and lift up my heart unto thee that in thy light I may behold the everlasting light the unquenchable light that never faileth the sweet and delightfull light that I may see and rejoyce and covet that light and to know that nothing is to be loved besides thee but in thee and for thee Thou O Lord art the true light that dost illuminate all men comming unto thee cause this light to rise in my darkness and make me to desire to see thy salvation that my soule being melted away with the force of love may attain to thy saving health and thirst after thy delights My soule I say but let me not call it thine because thou didst make it and give iâ— unto mee and mine because I receiced it from thee keep therefore thy creature which thou hast especially framed according to thine owne Image and suffer not thy precious gift which thou hast purchased with thy most precious bloud to perish but upon my body and members worke what it pleaseth thee let my flesh be cloathed with rottennesse and my bones consumed with worms but I beseech thee O Lord onely to spare my soul and stretch not out thy hand against it but bring me back againe into the way before the going down of the Sun for it groweth towards the evening of my age wherefore compell me to come unto thee if to call bee too little compell mee as it pleaseth thee so I may come and not perish not for my selfe who have so often abused thy mercy and made my selfe unworthy thereof but for thy holy name sake take from mee a stony heart and give unto me a heart of flesh and place thy spirit in the midst of mee that I may walke in thy Precepts and keep thy Judgements I come too late unto thee O Lord I confesse I would to God I had come sooner but I know and am assured that thou prescribest no time to those that come so they come at last and thou receivest the last as gently as thou dost the first for although thou hatest sin