Father's holdekeeper so as it were a Mother to ten Children a Mistress over six Servants none to do any thing without my command or consent being as it were my Father's right hand from whom I had this Authority it did not only stop my sorrow but caused an exceeding juyful pride or proud joy to seize upon my heart seeing my self aâ— it were advanced being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish who were my Mother a companions I representing her person when I was amongst them then began the cares of the Worlâ— and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart and made me forget my former order promises and intentions and thus I spent almost seven years combred about many thing but quite neglecting that one thing which iâ— needful About this time it pleased God to take my Father from me upon a sudden I asked my heart What was the cause of my Father's death It made answer thus Because thou hast sinned against God thou hast not only omitted much good but thou hast coâ—…itted much evil thou hast spent thy time idly and loosely and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fatherless and Motherless Thâ—… consideration made such a deep impression upon thy spirit that I refused all coâ—…fort for half a year crying out continually My sins my sins woe is me my sins being demanded by divers godly friends and reverend Divines what those sins were which so much troubled me I told them sins of omission sins of omission they would perswade me that I was young and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sâ—…s by omission that needed so much sorrow I told them that I was old enough to offend God and to provoke him to anger indeed I could not give so ready account of my sins of evil committed and of good omitted but though they never took notice of my sins yet my heart was witness against me Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow who knew not what to do for me more than they had done With one consent they sent me up to London perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there which made me willing to come But missing of my Brother to whom I was sent to be provided for and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page Minister of Debtford from whom I received great comfort but in a short time God took him from us all whose death was greatly lamented I found much favour and love from all that knew me and most especially from Mris. Page who for three years and an half would not suffer me to be away from her one day At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living we had not been long married and my Husband received his Portion but we took a house in Westminster intending to take some honest course for a livelihood but there God knows we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness but almost all our means One man especially who gave his mind to drinking and other vices more than any good he I say was never well contented without my Husband's company Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house This I begged upon my knees with tears but could not prevail then did the Devil set his foot into my heart and perswade me that by the committing of one sin I should prevent many and so stirred me up to murther him to which suggestion I cowardly yielded and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act Here I denied my Master Christ In the highest of this hatred in my sleep I thought I was in a very large Chamber sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaim death suddenly the man came into the Chamber whom so soon as I espyed to be alone catching up a weapon in my hand I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body but God who watcheth over his whether they sleep or walte and worketh by means and without means which way he pleaseth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear saying Vengeance is mine to which voice I answered aloud And thou wilt repay O Lord Then waking hearing my self speak I was in very good charity with him and left my wrong to God but reflecting upon mine own heart there I found not only these but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth for I no sooner had concluded that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust although I suffcred all the punishments due for such and such like sins wherein I ran away from my Captain yet for all this he had a favour towards me and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again But then began a fresh Batteâ— for my God coming as it ware to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me he found it not only wrapt up in a napkin but exceedingly abused and searching my heart what found he there but a sink of sin a Cage of unclean Birds and Den of Theeves a place for Dragons for the Scritchowl and for the Satyre these had taken full possession there was no room for my God they kept him out and what did they there but made it like a troubled Sea First telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven Dost thou not know said they that thy thought-sins are sufficient to damn thee although thou hast never committed any actually doth not the Scripture say plainly if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery which commandment being broken brings death I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law to see which of them I had broken and which I had kept I found them all broken and at the end of every one was written Death And not only those but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ wherein he bids us watch and pray for your enemies seed the hungry cloath the naked love one another all which I had likewise broken which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation â—argued then with my self on this wise I have read and I have heard that Almighty God which by his power made Heaven and Earth and all therein had sent his Son to dye for sinners and that there was hopes through his death that I should get pardon I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my
Joshua that I and my house wold serve the Lord. And although it was a bitter pill to me to bear the cross before yet now my God hath made it easie and I praise the Lord thâ—ough his grace I can go under it with a great deal of comfort and he hath now discovered to me the way of his working in those things which before were wonderful strange to me Many special promises I found great comfort in some that I remember are these that follow viz. 1 Pet. 5.6,7 Humble your selves therefore under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you in due time Casting all your care on him for he careth for you This promise I have found of a truth made good to me in some measure I have applyed it often and have found the comfort of it 2 Con. 1.29 My grace is sufficient for thee From this place I found much comfort knowing the fulness of so glorious a portion Jam. 1.2,3,4 Count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations knowing this that the tryal of your faith worketh patience But let patience have her perfect work that ye may be perfect and intire wanting nothing This administred great joy to me against all temptations Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters of life and he that hath no mony come ye tâ—…uy and eat This gave great comfort to my Soul at several times though it was so much cast down And that which gives me great content and comfort is the seal of God Spirit in my heart giving evidence of peace in the blood of Christ between God and my Soul by these testimonies 1. My love to God is so that I am confident if the Lord keep me with his Spirit which at this time he hath bestowed upon me I could be content to part with any thing or lay down my lise for his glory if he would call me to it 2. The Lord hath been pleased so toâ—inrich my Soul with his Spirit that I loath the things of the World when they would draw me in any thing from submitting to the motions of Gods Spirit in my heart I once thought nothing could have drawn me from the love of the vain things of the world but now I do as much disdain them for God and more than then I loved them 3. I desire to follow Gods Ordinances and find great enlargments of my heart to God both to and in the Ordinances And particularly from Mr. S. Mr. W. and others from whom many things have fallen that have much refreshed my Soul and I find my heart in duties to God more refreshed than in any thing 4. I find much peace in my conscience because of a free submission which his Spirit hath wrought in my Soul to all the commands of Jesus Christ and I find comfort in that true circumcision which is in my heart wrought by his Spirit 5. I find every every day so great a peace in my Soul and such comfort in God that I could be willing and I bless God find in my self a readiness to dye every moment XXII Experiences of A. A. ABout two years since my Husband was sore wounded which I took as a great tryal not having above a month to go with Child and I was troubled at it And about a quarter of a year after I was up all my Children were sick together of the small Pox. Yet all this did not work upon me inwardly so sensibly as about a month afterwards that one of my Children dyed suddenly when I thought he had been near well then I said the wages of sin is death thinking that the Lord had warned me by Fatherly threatnings before but I did not hearken to him and therefore I thought he smote me now by the death of my Child But yet I could not enter into any particular sins that God should strike at only in general I sought the Lord to lay open my sins to me I was very much troubled that the Lord took my child so suddenly from me but was comforted by Mr. Strong in some Sermons preached from the words the Church to Paul going to suffer at Jerusalem Acts 21.14 When he would not be perswaded we ceased saying The will of the Lord be done So I was setled pretty well in my thoughts till suddenly the Lord struck the elder of my two Children then living which was a Boy my other which is a Girl I did not so much value but now I do and know Gods mercy in sparing her but my Child that then dyed was the chief comfort that my heart was fixed upon in this world which was so great a grief to me that I have slept few nights quiet I desired to know the mind of God what he would do with me Sometimes I should have difpaired through great busfetings inwardly but that the Lord sustained me Sometimes I thought that the wrath of God was hindled against me thinking never to have comfort in this world again But blessed be the Lord for it he hath often comforted me in this that I have thought he did it in love to me yet sometimes I have feared that I should despair and that the hand of God was against me in it having been troubled with thoughts that I was the death of my children Thus I have been between hope and dispair and could not find what the Will of God was in it towards me And I had fears that the hand of God was still against me for further punishment because I have had many temptations upon me in low thoughts of God But I have gone to prayer and desired the Lord to deliver me and discover his mind to me in every thing that I do and have found a willingness to part with any thing even to cut off a limb or any thing if I could find out what it was And I bless God I have found a good spirit resisting the bad Yet I have been under much fear that I was not a child of God But it hath pleased God to comfort me in this that Pauls life was subject to temptations therefore I had hope and cast my self upon the mereies of God resolving that if I perish I perish never daring to offend willingly in any thing that I know to be a sin yet I know I am a wretched sinner but I humbly desire to do the will of God so far as I am able And in that I can say with David Psal 42.1 As the heart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God I find comfort with him to say Why art thou cast down O my Soul and why art thou disquieted within me hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance verse 5. And I will look unto the Lord with the Prophet Micha I will wait for the God of my Salvation my God will hear me Mich. 7.7 And I have found much comfort in applying several promises to my
judgment I rejoyce to hear this saying He that shall come will come and will not tarry 8. I desire sanctity of Life and help from my Father to discharge my duty in that Calling wherein God hath placed me 9. I long to hear him speak who saith in the Omega of the Revelation Behold I come quickly and my reward is with me even so come Lord Jesus come quickly Amen Amen M. K. XI Experiences of E. R. I was born and bred up of godly Parents yet Satan so far tempted me to commit that detestable sin of telling a Lye about eleven years of age against a Sister of mine who was shrewdly and severely corrected by my Parents for that fault tho' none of hers but mine and I had not grace at that time to lay it to heart but three months after I had a fit of Sickness and a grievous touch in my Conscience for that sin committed against God and my Sister that I saw nothing but desperation and feared that the horrors of Hell-fire would seize on my Soul and Body for this sin and Satan told me that there was no Salvation for me for God knew me not neither would he own me but if I would either hang my self or cut my throat or take the bedstaff to thrust down my throat then I should never he tormented more but look how an Ox dyed so should I. Then I cryed out to my Parents and said that I was damned and that there was no Salvation for me but that I must go to Hell my Parents watched me and searched narrowly to see what instruments I had prepared Then the Devil tempted me to rend the pillow and pick out some of the feathers to swallow them down which I did and it had like to have cost me my life for I was very nigh death by this means My Parents sent for a Doctor to administer some things to me which he did and when I was a little recovered they sent for Mr. Knewstubs Minister in Edmonds-bury and Mr. Rogers Minister of Dedham who took a great deal of pains with me and asked me whom I did believe in I told them that I did believe in God that he would damn me they asked me if God would damn me because I did believe in him I answered no but it was for that sin committed against God and my innocent sister they asked me whether I was not sorry for that act I told them yes I had cause enough to be sorry for I must be damned for that sin then they asked me if I was sorry with all my heart for my offences I told them I had great reason to be sorry for by this I had lost the love of God and my interest in Jesus Christ they replyed that Christ had left sweet comforts for penitent sinners and they were to administer it unto them But I replyed it was for such a sinner as I was for there could be no Salvation for me They told me Christ dyed for sinners and such sinners as I was for they said I was a penitent sinner but I replyed Christ never dyed for such a one as I was neither could his mercy save me Then they bid me have a care how I did presumptuously go about to judge my own soul and that I was not fit to judge my self in the condition I was under for it was a greater sin in so doing than to comit that sin of lying against God for God was a God of mercy but I had no mercy thus rashly to judge my own soul I replyed that they were as bad as I for they came to help to carry my soul into Hell headlong they told me no but they would ingage their souls for my soul that I should sind comfort from them in Christ Jesus with that I cryed out O happy day would that be that I might find comfort before my departure they told me that Christ was a Christ of tenderness that I was a beloved Christian and Christ was preparing comfort for me and it was Christ that had opened my eyes to see my sin and he would also open my heart to loath sin and he would pardon my sin yet I told them no that he would never open my heart but with terror for I was born to be damned and must be damned and that Christ never dyed for such a sinner as I was this I spoke with great sighing and they asked me what made me think so I told them that I saw nothing but Death and Hell and confusion of body and soul they asked me why I sighed and wept so sore I told them because now I was going into Hell for the Devil with his chains was ready to throw me into the utter pit of darkness they said Wherefore I told them for offending the Lord my Creator did wish my self to be in Hell that I might be out of misery and might no longer feel the vengeance of God with that they went to prayers each of them an hour and when the last Minister prayed I cryed out O Lord my God my King and Saviour have mercy upon me a poor distressed sinner Then Master Rogers came to me and took me by the hand and said That he was glad to hear me call upon the Lord yet I said I should be damned for I was none of his and that the Lord was none of my God The next morning I had some comfort but that left me again and I was under the same condition of ebbings and flowrings for sixteen weeks together before I had any firm hopes of my Salration and having taken no rest a long time I fell into a slumber and in my sleep I imagined there did appear unto me a little child in white with an apple in one hand and a white wand in the other and he carried me til I came into a place where I did see much terrour of fire and shreeking and a great deep ditch where was nothing to hold by yet I must go over that burning lake and he took the white wand and laid it over the ditch and bad me tread upon it and fear not but I refused then he came and took me by the hand and trundled his apple on the wand which bowled over very level and with that I said It is the Lord therefore I will venture and did venture over with this child in my hand and when I came to shore I cryed out with fear my Lord my God and my Saviour am I in Hell or am I redeemed out of Hell with that I awaked being in a great passion and fear and there being my friends about me they told me I was redeemed out of Hell I asked How could they tell had they been there for I told them that I had been newly there then I cryed out Oh! where is that sweet Babe that was with me they asked me what Babe and what was the shape of it I declared unto them as before and they told me That
the Lord O my Soul and all that is within me praise his holy Name For he hath remembred me in my low and troubled estate because his mercy endureth for ever Having thus had new Experience of God's readiness to hear and help when I called upon him and having found that it is not in vain to seek to and to depend upon God in all our straits I could not but record these things that so Every one that is godly may seek unto him in a time wherein he may be found who is a present help in time of trouble and who doth for us abundantly above what we can ask or think The Lord knows that I write these things for no other end but that God may have the glory and that others especially my Relations may be incouraged to seek God in their straits and to trust in him at all times If God shall please to bring me to my Grave in peace let this be the Text at my Funeral Ephes 2.8 For by Grace ye are saved through Faith This Scripture I was oft put upon to have recourse to in times of Temptation and Desertion Though our hearts may fail us and our flesh may fail us yet the Lord will never fail us Amen XXXVIII John Earl of Rochester I Shall conclude these Experiences with an account of one of the most Illustrious Instances of Conversion that hath happened in this and it may be in many preceding Ages in the person of the Right Honourable John Willmot late Earl of Rochester whose name for irreligion and vice became a Proverb and whose extraordinary repentance is a most remarkable example of the exceeding riches of the grace and mercy of God His father was Henry Lord Wilmot who in the Civil Wars adhered to K. Charles 1. and was very instrumental in the escape of K. Charles 2. after the Battel of Worcester in 1651 but dying before the Restoration left his son little more then his Title of Earle of Rochester and some pretensions of the favour of Charles 2. after his return This young Lord was educated in the University of Oxford where his wit and Learning soon made him very eminent But the general joy and debauchery that overran the Nation in 1660. had in a little time so great an influence upon him that he as well as a multitude of other Young Gentlemen ran into all manner of excess to commit all kind of iniquity with greediness And after his return from his Travels into Jtaly having some perferment in the Atheistical and debauch'd Court of K. Charles 2. he there met with incouragement countenance in prosecuting the greatest excesses extravagancies that were possibly to be acted for as Solomon says whatsoever his eyes desired he kept it not from them and with held his heart from no joy And to fortifie his conscience against any convictions he endeavoured to persuade himlelf that there was no Heaven nor Hell no God nor Devil nor any future State in another world and yet because at some intervals he had severe reflections in his mind as to his vicious practices he was forced to rid himself of them by a continued course of Intemperance so that he acknowledged that for five years together he was continually drunk And as his wickedness so his wit and parts were extraordinary so that had his fancy fallen upon Divine Subjects instead of those impure and silthy ones wherein he usually exercised his Poetry he might probably have been as useful in teaching vertue to this debaâ—…hed generation as his prophane Verses have been mischeivous and hurtful in promoting A. theism vice and lewdness As to all outward accomplishments of Learning and education he was therein compleat though by his ill management they were at length miserable Comforts to him since they only ministred to his sins and made his example the more fatal and dangerous so that he owned himself to be one of the greatest of sinners for his corrupted Parts made his impieties rise to a high and extraordinary pitch as the chiefest of Angels for knowledge and Power became the most degenerate so that his impious actions as well as Writings seem to soar above the reach and thought of other men taking as much pains to draw others in and to pervert the ways of Virtue and Religion as the Apostles and Primitive Saints did to save their own souls and those that heard them for this was the heightning and amazing circumstance of his sins that he was so diligent and industrious to recommend and propogate them to declare his sin as Sodom and not to hide it framing Arguments for sin making Proselytes to it and writing Panygiricks upon Vice singing praises to the Great Enemy of God and casting down Coronets and Crowns before his Throne This Character his Chaplain who Preached his Funeral Sermon gives of him and adds That he was so confirmed in sin that he lived and oftentimes almost died a Martyr for it God was sometimes pleased to punish him with the effects of his debaucheries yet he confest that for a long time it had no power to melt him into true Repentance or if at any time he had some lucid intervals from his folly and madness how short and transitory were they all that goodness was but as a morning Cloud and as the early Dew which vanishes away he still returned to the same excess of Riot and that with so much the more greediness the longer he had been detained from it banishing all thoughts of God and a future Account out of his mind One Instance is related which much confirmed him in his Atheistical temper that he and another Gentleman of the like humour had made a solemn Compact and Agreement it may be not without impious circumstances that whoever died first should after his death return from the Grave and give an account to the other of the state of the next World and whether there was any such thing or no soon after the Gentleman died but never appearing to give him satisfaction as they had stipulated between them it made him conclude that a Man died like a Beast and that Soul Soul and Body perisht in the Dust such unreasonable and sensless fancies had he to secure himself against any Convictions of Conscience since he had never deserved that God should shew a Miracle to satisfie him of that which his wicked life and practices made him secretly desire might not be true because it is the interest of those that live like Brutes to wish they may dye so too and never be called to the Bar of that God whom their whole Lives have bid defiance unto And yet even this desperate Sinner that seemed to have made a Covenant with death and was at agreement with Hell and just upon the brink of them both God to mganifie the riches of his Grace and Mercy was pleased to snatch as a brand out of the fire And as the Apostle though before a blasphemer a persecutor and