and convey her Attendants the back way into my Apartment And let 'em be bath'd new rigg'd with Linnen Stew. It goes against my Conscience and is below my Dignity Sir Humph. Sirrah Begon obey me or you have no Tips of Ears to Morrow Exit Steward Enter Bawd Bawd Well I have taken such pains for you I am ready to expire I had gotten my house full of handsom Wenches for your Worships use But I thought the Maiden-heads I spoke of would be more fit and I have brought 'em all three with much ado Sir Humph. And will you warrant 'em Maids Bawd That I will upon my sincerity did I ever deceive you I have more Conscience than to be corrupt in my Calling not for this Earth I would not But these are dearer than I thought They are 50 l. a piece if you have 'em I never higgle or make words with you Sir Humph. Talk not of Price it is my Birth-Night Gentlemen I 'll treat you like a man of Honour We 'll cast Lots for ' em Bell. You are too obliging Enter Steward Stew. I hae conducted the Gentlewomen Whores in Sir Humph. Prethee honest Bawd go and bring all the Whores in at my back-gate Do you hear old Fool see you entertain 'em well and let every Stranger and Servant in my House have his Cher entirè I 'll not have a Man-servant idle nor a Maid-servant honest Chastity shall be Felony and Sobriety High-Treason Bawd Well Sir I 'll fetch 'em all Ex. Stew. Good Sir will you whip me hang me or Sir Humph. Peace thou hypocritical old Sot do you hear be you Drunk soundly and Whore lustily or Wars will ensue between us Stew. Whore oh Lord I whore What will become of me Sir Humph. Come on my Friends Let 's in and survey my Markettings Wild. Lead on my noble Prince of Pleasure and we 'll follow Stew. To the Devil all and thither I shall follow unless I suddenly get loose from these clutches Exit Steward Enter Sir Nicholas Peakgoose Sir Christopher Blunderbus and Heildebrand Sir Chr. Are you so nimble i'faith we have catch't you agen Sir Nich. You have made me drunk with these Bumpers What will you murder me have some pity on me on my Knees I beg you 'l let me drink no more what will my Mrs. say Sir Chr. You are in a good posture Kneel all Fill us t'other Bumper ' Death Drink it I say Drink it or Blood will ensue Sir Nich. What will become of poor Sir Nicholas Sir Chr. All together clash Sir Nich. Well I must do 't Sir Chr. T'other round Sir Nich. Mercy upon me I am dead I am kill'd I 'll lay my death to your charge no more to be said He lets fall the glass and breaks it Sir Chr. Ah Rascal Do you spill your Drink ' Ownds fling the rest of the Bumpers in 's face Sir Nich. Murder Help help I am slain They fling all the glasses in 's face Without Open the Dore we 'll break it open A great noise without Sir Chr. What 's the matter Now draw the Fool away he 's dead drunk A noise again Enter Sir Humph. Bell. and Wildman Sir Humph. How now What 's the mâ—…tter without Enter a Servant Serv. Sir The High Constable with a huge Guard and Mr. Gripe in the head of 'em is come with a Warrant to search the house Sir Humph. Call up my Servants fetch my Guns Sir Chr. Hey Boys we shall have more scowring Blund Now we shall show our và lour Enter Servants with Guns and Pistols H. Constable and Watch break in Gripe and Richard Sir Humph. What means this violence H. Const. We have a Warrant to search for Mrs. Gripe Sir Humph. Fall on fall on We are victorious and have taken Prisoners They fall on beat the Constable and Watch out return with Gripe and Richard Prisoners Gripe What will become of us we shall be Murder'd Sir Humph. Lock 'em up Safe and guard my house with Guns and Musquets unseasonable Rascals to interrupt our pleasure Blund Shall we plunder strip and take the spoil of the Field Sir Humph. No we 'll call 'em to a Council of War and condemn 'em away with ' em They carry Gripe and Richard away Gripe O mercy mercy Sir Humph. What is Sir Nicholas kill'd in the fray Sir Chr. No in our fray Dead drunk This was a brave Battle Sir Humph. Now all to bed Carry Sir Nicholas to bed Sir Chr. Not we we 'll go drink and lie rough fare you well upon those terms Come Bullies I think we have behav'd our selves like Emperours Enter Mrs. Gripe like a â—…oung Officer and her Brother's Serjeant Mrs. Gripe Am I compleatly set out like a young Officer Do my Brother's Accoutrements sit well upon me Serj. They become you admirably you are as brisk as fierce an Officer as the best of 'em and so like your Brother 't is amazing had not I been privy to your Design and his I should have sworn you were my Captain Mrs. Gripe That likeness between us will further my design My Husband knows nothing of my Brother but that he has heard we are so like that upon an Experiment I drest my self in man's clothes once and we were not known from one another But do I strut cock and look fierce enough Serj. To a Miracle But since you have this design upon your Husband to fright and make him yield to good terms why would you not let your Brother carry it on Mrs. Gripe He resents so much the base usage of me that I know not what his passion might have provok'd him to Besides it seems to be the right of an English Woman to Hector her own Husband and faith I 'll have him under my Command now or press him for Flanders Serj. Bravely resolv'd Mrs. Gripe I 'll teach Húsbands to provoke their own Flesh. Serj. That is out of his power or yours to do to him Aside Mrs. Gripe I 'll make him such an example I 'll make all Husbands have a care how by Injuries they sower their Wive's love into revenge or their meekness into rage I know he 's a Coward as all Tyrants are and I 'll make him e're I have done as dearly as he loves his Money part with a good Sum for fear of his lifâ—… Serj. Methinks they that live so miserably shou'd not fear to dye Mrs. Gripe Oh yes They are such â—…ools to choose the worst part of life and are yet greater Fools and prefer it to Death which is far better to be dead is to be insensible but to have senses and deny 'em all is worse Do you find him out and get him to a private place and let me alone Serj. I will Madam ' Sheart I shall forget to call you Captain Mrs. Gripe Well I shall strut look big and huff enough for a Captain I warrant you by your leave Modesty for a while A desperate ill must have a desperate cure But these
whip but that of Vagrants and when a poor Wench has laboured in her Calling seven years in the same Parish These Fellows will whip her for a Vagrant Bell. These old Fellows that love it themselves think the Wenches do so too perhaps Chlo. You are the pattern of all Knights you keep your Mistress so fine I 'll swear 't is very commendable Celia Oh 't is admirable all the Town admires you You win the Hearts of all the Ladies with it I vow Sir Humph. No! we must all yield to your Friend Sir Nicholas Peakgoose He is the most liberal and most obsequious Keeper and â—…tarves his Wife and Children for you Celia I must confess he does pretty well Sir Humph. Why did you not bring him hither Celia I should be willing enough but if I use him to 't he 'll be always going abroad in my Coach with me No! that must not be Chlo. She has a rare hand over him if I could govern my Gallant so I were a Princess Phill. I desire not to govern my Dear if I have but thy Love Child I wish for nothing else But thy Money Aside Sir Humph. No more No more Call in my Musick and let 'em Sing and Play Come in SONG LOve thee till there shall be an end of matter So long till Courtiers leave in Courts to flatter While empty Courtlings shall laugh jeer and jibe Or till an old lean Judge refuse a Bribe Till Young'men Women bate I will love thee Till greedy Lawyers shall renounce a Fee And till Decrepit Misers Money hate Or Statesmen leave to juggle in a State While Priests Ambition troubles Common-wealths Till Whores grow chaste and Thieves forsake their Stealths Till Tradesmen leave to Cozen and to Lye Till there 's a Worthy Flatt'rer or Brave Spie Till Honest Valiant Men can be afraid Till Kings by Favourites are not betray'd Till all Impossibles do meet in one I 'll love thee Phillis and love thee alone Sir Humph. Now let us retire and take the Pleasure of our Gardens Musick follow us Exeunt Omnes Enter Gripe and Richard Gripe Come Richard because thou art but new come I must instruct thee Thou see'st my whole Design is to be Rich. Rich. Yes and to keep your Servants Poor Gripe And to that end I deny and keep my baâ—…e unruly Senses under for if any one sense get the better of a man he 'll ne'r be rich Rich. I am sure I han't pleas'd one since I came Gripe That 's well Let me have three Ribs of Mutton boil'd in a Pipkin for our Dinners go buy me a lean Breast lean meat is wholsomest Rich. If I could light of a Sheep that dy'd in a Ditch Gripe Ay that should be cheap besides I like a Natural Death better than Murder To Morrow is Holy day I will have four Ribs and some Cabbage Rich. This is feasting bâ—…t our ordinary Diet of Oatmeal and Water Gripe 'T is very wholsom and cleansing Rich. 'T is the Scotch-Diet very good for Mangy Hounds What Sawce will you have for your Mutton Gripe A Pox on Sawce it spoils the Natural appetite yet some Onion or Garlick you may get I have some Ferkin'Butter and Suffolk Cheese fine lean Cheese t will go so far Rich. Sir I have a great Inclination to a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 May I not get one 't is cheap Gripe Not so cheap yet next Holy-day I will buy one for my Family But Ox Livers and the Entrails oâ—… 〈◊〉 are very nourishing Rich. He cannot bâ—… content to â—…ob and oppress men with his Extortion but he must rob the Dâ—…gs of their diet you 〈◊〉 Kids and Lambs of your own if it please your Worship Gripe It does not please my Worship sure you have liv'd with some Epicure No sell 'em to Luxurious fools that will die Beggars Rich. I hear Sir Humphrey Scattergood intends to send a Buck. Gripe I 'll sell it then 't will cost more the Baking than 't is worth we kill our selves in England with filthy pampering Rich. I can go a Fowling with my Peice and catch Wild-fowl for your Worship Gripe By my troth but your Worship shall not you will spend more in Powder and Shot than your Bodie 's worth Besides a water-Spaniel with his ravenous gut will â—…at me out of house and home Wild-fowl They are fit for Lucullus or Apiciuâ—… Rich. Sir we can steal Coneys if it please you Gripe No Sir I must find you Butter What damn'd Luxurious Fellow hast thou lived with Rich. Sir I beseech you be pleas'd to let us have some Wheat Bread for I have gotten the Griping and the Iliaca Pasâ—…io with Rye and Barley Bread Gripe Peace Fool I am not so Prodigal thank Heav'n Rich. Must we never have any Wine or Strong Beer Gripe Why you Impudent fellow would you have us dye of Fâ—…avers To drink Wine shall be Treason and strong Beer Felony without Clergy I have wholsom very very small Beer so clear so fine the Mault not to be tasted in 't The Patriarchs drank nothing but Water Rich. That I deny ask Lot else Gripe Go Unlock my Wife's Chamber and bid hâ—…r come to me This damn'd pampering Rogue would ruin me with his Gut Enter Mrs. Gripe Mrs. Gripe Will this Tyraâ—…nie never be at an end must I be always thus abridg'd of Liberty a â—…am d Fowl haâ—… a better timâ—… on 't for that 's fed well but I am coop'd up and starvâ—… â—…ay have no Necessary of life that 's fit for a young Woman Griâ—…e Come Love you have very good wholsom food 't is fit a young Woman should mortifie and keep down her Lusts. Rich. Especially when she marries an old Man hee 'l fast her down to his own appetite Mrs. Gripe Nay in the Winter I am kept without Fire or Candle I have neither Natural or Artificial heat from Gripe 'T is to preserve thy life my Love Didst thou ever see Cooks or Glassmen long liv'd Fire destroys the Natural heat they live longest in cold Countreys Rich. Yet Meat is always raw for want of fire Gripe I will save fire and have it roasted by Burning Glasses and instead of Candles and by the way the Grand Signior suffers none of his Wives to have any I will have Glow-worms rotten Wood and fish Bones Fire suffocates Natural heat Mrs. Gripe I have heard your Servants in Winter wiâ—…h for the Plague or any hot Disease and I for my part could be contented with a Feaver Gripe Can you not use Exercise to stir up your Natural heat Mrs. Gripe You let me have Exercise little enough Heav'n knows Gripe Can you not play at Shuttlecock or carry a Handful upon occasion Rich. I will play at Stool-ball with the Maids and that will stir up Natural heat Mrs. Gripe No I have endured your cruel Tyranny too long but above all your Jealousie is most provoking Gâ—…ipe 'T is nothing but my love my great love Dost thou think I do not love my
when I am discovâ—…r'd Poor Wenches how miserably I shall disappoint 'em Exit Enter Sir Humphrey Bellamy Wildman Sir Christopher Blunderbus and Heildebrand A Banquet Table and Wine Sir Humph. Come on Sir Christopher are you ready for a Bottle Sir Chr. Ready I warrant you I have lain rough and recruited I need less baiting for the Journey than a Carrier's Horse Give me a Glass in my right hand Sir Humph. Sit all All sit down Sir Chr. Come faith let 's be all very merry and roar extremely Enter Mrs. Gripe and Seâ—…geant Sir Humph. Take your course Captain your most humble Servant Sir Christopher this is the Captain you heard of Sir Chr. I honour him and here 's his Health in a Bumper Mrs. Gripe Sir Humphrey I must desire my Liberty Wine doeâ—… not agree with me I never drink hard Sir Humph. Every Gentleman is free in my Housâ—… Sir Chr. Hey we shall have fine work indeâ—…d What a Devil a Captain and cannot Drink Can you Whore Mrs. Gripe So so well enough for a young Beginner Sir Chr. Noâ—… Drink ' Sheart a man is not fit for a Captain that cannot Drink Shall I ask you a question Mrs. Gripâ—… Yes Sir Chr. Can you Fight Sir Humph. Hold good Sir Christopher no Bullying here Mrs. Gripe You had best try if you dare Death what a question was that What Scouâ—…drel art thou that askest such a question This Company preserves thy life Sir Chr. I have done I have doâ—… 〈◊〉 Hâ—… he 's damn'd stout I believe Mrs. Gripe I could tell Thee Actions I have been in would freeze thy blood to hear of Fight quoth a Can'st thou fight up to the knees in blood and at Midnight with no light â—…ut what Guns make with Shot like hail about thy ears clamber over mountains of dead Bodies and fight thy way to a General 's Tent and bring the General Prisoner through all his Mirâ—…idons hah Sir Chr. Sir I beg your Pardon I believe it He 's a plaguy stout fellow Mrs. Gripe 'T is not your best way to question it Can you lead your Souldiers up to a wall and scale it when Bullets melted Pitch and Sulphur rain upon you Fight the man ne'r lived that ask'd me yet that question Sir Chr. ' Sheart hee 'l cut my Throat Sir I beg your Pardon I say Sir Humph. Come Captain 'T is enough fall on upon this Collation and we 'll have a Châ—…son à boirè to compose the matter Mrs. Gripe With all my heart Sir Humph. Some Musick Sing me a Song A Drinking SONG LEt the daring Advenâ—…rers be toss'd on the Main And for Riches no dangers decline Though with hazard the spoils of both Indies they gain They 〈◊〉 bring us no Treasure like Wine Enough of such Wealth would a Beggar enrich And supply greater wants in a King 'T would sooth all the Griefs in a comfortless Wretcâ—… And inspire weâ—…ping Captives to Sing There is none that groans under a burdensom life If this soveraign Balsom he gains This will make a man bear all the Plagâ—…s of a Wife And of Raggs and Diseases in Chains It swells all our Veins with a kind purple flood And puts Love and great Thoughts in the mind There 's no Peasant so rank but it fills with good blood And to gallantry makes hiâ—… inclin'd There 's nothing our Hearts with such Joy can bewitch For on Earth 't is a Pow'r that s Divine Without it we 're wretched tho' never so Rich Nor is any man Poor thaâ—… has Wine Sir Chr. Pox This is a pretty Musical business but this will not make a man merry I 'll sing you a Song Fill the Glasses first Come on When I sing Down down Then you must all drink SONG I Love some body I love no body Some body no body dearly I love some body c. Be she black or be she brown She 's the best in all the Town So she keep her Belly down Down down down down There 's no fault to be found So she keep her Belly down Hah I think this is well hah Mrs. Gripe A very merry fellow Give me thy hand Sir Chr. I am your most humble Servant to commanâ—… I love a brave fellow with my heart Mrs. Gripe Come on I have provided some Entertainment instead of a Dance you shall see my two new Souldiers Exercis'd fetch 'em in Serjeant Exit Serj. Sir Humph. You have found out an admirable way to plague an old cowardly Usurer to make a Souldier of him Mrs. Gripe I warrant I shall plague him e're I have done with him Wild. This is an excellent Trick found out for ' em Enter Serjeant with Gripe and Richard Gâ—…ipe Well There 's Law Sir yet I say Mrs. Gripe ' Sheart does he talk of Law agen Knock him o'th'head Gripe Hold hold I say no more Mrs. Gripe Next Tide he takes Boat and away for Flanders Sir Chr. Oh! honest Gripe Art thou turn'd Souldier Thou art a good hopeful Musketeer of thy age Blund A very pretty old Fellow and stands lustily under a Musket Heild A brave old Souldier i'faith Can'st thou stare a Cannâ—…n in the face Gripe What 's that to you you Coxcombs Well I shall out-live this Rogues and all this may turn to my profit in the end Mrs. Gripe Order your Arms They Poise their Muskets Did you ever see such dull Rascals order your arms thus set 'em down Take that to make you remember another time She canes ' em Gripe I must suffâ—…r there 's no reâ—…edy Mrs. Gripe Poise your Muskets Rich. What a Devil must we do now Mrs. Gripe Poise your Muskets thus you Rascals Pox on you for dull Rogues Strikes 'em agen Gripe Well so we do What a Devil wou'd you have Mrs. Gripe What with both hands Serj. In one hand thus Ricâ—… Well thus then Mrs. Gripe Shoulder They put 'em on tâ—…e wrong shoulder Sâ—…rj That 's the wrong shoulder Mrs. Gripe On the other shoulder ye Blockheads you have less sence than Statues Gripe Ay I am so dull you had better let me go Mrs. Gripe I 'll make you do it Shoulder I say March Gripe I thank you Sir with all my heart that we will march They lay their Muskets down and offer to go out Rich. We 'll march well enough I warrant you Mrs. Gripe Is that your marching Take up your Arms Rogues I 'll run you through else take 'em up I say She canes ' em Gripe Well well what a Devil would you have Did you not bid us march Mrs. Gripe I 'll make you march against the mouth of a Cannon before I have done Gripe O damn'd Tâ—…rant I must try to compound with him Sir Humph. This is admirable Discipline indeed Captain Enter Steward Stew. Sir Christopher Mr. Blâ—…nderbus and Heildebrand take carâ—… and shift for your selves There are Threescore Bailiffs waiting for you in the Street and they have beset the House round that there is no possibility of escaping