transgressions and as a cloud thy sins Return unto me fâ—r I have redeemed thee Isa. 44.22 but I could not return but fled though at some times it cried Return as if it did hollow after me for I feared to close in therewith lest it should not come from God for that other was still sounding in my conscience For you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the Blessiâ—g he was rejected c. 132. All this while my life hung in doubt before me not knowing which way I should tip onely this I found my Soul desire even to cast it self at the foot of Grace by Prâ—yer and Supplication But O 't was hard for me to bear the face to pray to this Christ for mercie against whom I had thus most vilely sinned yet I knew this must be the way for mercy was no where else 133. Which when the Tempteâ— perceived he strongly suggested to me That I ought not to pray to God for Prayer was not for any in my case neither could it do me good because I had â—ejected the Mediator by whom all Prayers came with acceptance to God the Father and without whom no Prayer could come into his presence wheâ—efore now to pray is but to adde sin to sin yea now to pray seeing God hath cast you off is the next way to anger and offâ—nd him more then ever you did before 134. For God said he hath been weary of you for these several years already because you aâ—e none of his you bauling in his ears hath been no pleâ—sant voice to him and therefore he let you sin this sin that you might be quite cut off and will you pray still This the Devil urged and set forth by that in Numbers which Moses said to the Children of Israel That because they would not go up to possess the Land when God would have them therefore for ever after he did bar them out from thence though they prayed they might with tears Numb 14.36 37 c. 135. As 't is said in another place Exod. 21.14 The man that sins presumptuosly shall be taken from Gods Altar that he may die Even as Joab was by King Solomon when he thought to find shelter there 1 King 2.27 28 c. These places did pinch me very sore yet my case being desperate I thought with my self I can but die and if it must be so it shall once be said That such a one died at the foot of Christ in Prayer this I did but with great difficulty God doth know for still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart even like a flaming sword to keep the way of the tree of Life lest I should take thereof and live O who knows how hard a thing I found it to come to God in prayer 136. I did also desire the Prayers of the People of God for me but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it yea I trembled in my Soul to think that some or other of them shortly would tell me that God had said those words to â—hem that he once did say to the Prophet concerning the Children of Israel Pray not for this People for I have rejected them Jer. 11.14 So Pray not for him for I have rejected him Yea I thought that he had whispered this to some of them alâ—eady onely they durst not tell me so neither durst I ask them of it for fear if it should be so it would make me quite besides my self Man knows the beginning of sin said Spira but who bounds the issue 's thereof 137. Now also did the Tempter begin to mock me in my misery saying That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus and provoked him to displeasure who should have stood between my Soul and the flame of devouring fire the way was now but one and that was to pray that God the Father would be the Mediator betwixt his Son and me that we might be reconciled again and that I might have that blessed benefit in him that his blessed Saints enjoyed 138. Then did that Scripture seize upon my Soul He is of one mind and who can turn him Oh I saw 't was as easie to perswade him to make a new world a new Covenant or new Bible besides that we have already as to pray for such a thing this was to perswade him that what he had done already was meer folly and to perswade with him to alter yea to disanul the whole way of salvation and then would that saying rent my Soul asunder Neither is there salvation in any other for there is none other Name under heaven given amongst men whereby we must be saved Act. 4.12 139. Now the most free and full and gracious words of the Gospel were the greatest torment to me yea nothing so afflicted me as the thoughts of Jesus Christ for the remembrance of a Saviour because I had cast him off brought both the villany of my sin and my loss by it to mind O 't is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God to have the Lamb the Saviour turn Lyon and Destroyer Rev. 6. I also trembled at the sight of the Saints of God especially at those that greatly loved him and that made it their business to walk continually with him in this world for they did both in their words their carriages and all their expressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour condemn lay guilt upon and also add continual affliction and shame unâ—o my Soul 140. Now also the Tempter began afresh to mock my Soul saying That Christ indeed did pity my case and was sorry for my loss but for as much as I had sinned and transgressed as I had done he could by no means help me nor save me from what I feared for my sin was not of the nature of theirs for whom he bled and died neither was it counted with those that were laid to his charge when he hanged on the tree therefore unless he should come down from Heaven and die anew for this sin though indeed he did greatly pity me yet I could have no benefit of him 141. But O how this would add to my affliction to conceit that I should be guilty of such a sin for which he did not die These thoughts would so confound me and imprison me and tie me up from Faith that I knew not what to do but Oh thought I that he would come down again O that the work of Mans Redemption was yet to be done by Christ how would I pray him and intreat him to count and reckon this sin amongst the rest for which he died But that would strike me down Christ being raised from the dead dieth no more Death hath no more Dâ—minion over him Rom. 6.9 142. Thus was I always sinking whatever I did think or do So one day I walked to a Neighbouring Town and sate down upon a Settle in the Street and fell into a
this sentence fell upon my Soul Thy righteousness is in Heaven and methought withall I saw with the eyes of my Soul Jesus Christ at Gods right hand there I say as my Righteousness so that where-ever I was or whatever I was a doing God could not say of me He wants my Righteousness for that was just before him I also saw moreover that it was not my good frame of Heart that made my Righteousness better nor yet my bad frame that made my Righteousness worse for my Righteousness was Jesus Christ himself the same yesterday to day and for ever Heb. 13.8 184. Now did my chains fall off my Legs indeed I was loosed from my affliction and irons my temptations also fled away so that from that time those dreadful Scriptures of God left off to tâ—ouble me now went I also home rejoycing for the grace and love of God So when I care home I looked to see if I could find that Sentence Thy Righteousness is in Heaven but could not find such a Saying wherefore my Heart began to sink again onely that was brought to my remembrance He is made unto us of God Wisdom Righteousness Sanctification and Redemption by this word I saw the other Sentence true 185. For by this Scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus as he is distinct from us as touching his bodily presence so he is our Righteousness and Sanctification before God here therefore I lived for some time very sweetly at peace with God thorow Christ O methought Christ Christ there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes I was not now onely for looking upon this and the other benefit of Christ apart as of his Blood Burial or Resurrection but considered him as whole Christ as he in whom all these and all his other Vertues Relations Offices and Operations met together and that on the right hand of God in Heaven 186. 'T was glorious to me to see his exaltation and the worth and prevalencie of all his benefits and that because of this Now I could look from my self to him and should reckon that all those Graces of God that now were green in me were yet but like those crack'd-Groats and Four-pence-half-pennies that rich men carry in their Purses when their Gold is in their Trunks at home O I saw my Gold was in my Trunk at home in Christ my Lord and Saviour Now Christ was all all my Wisdom all my Righteousness all my Sanctification and all my Redemption 187. Further The Lord did also lead me into the mystery of Union with this Son of God that I was joyned to him that I was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and now was that a sweet word to me in Ephes. 5.3 By this also was my faith in him as my Righteousness the more confirmed to me for if he and I were one then his Righteousness was mine his Merits mine his Victory also mine Now could I see my self in Heaven and Earth at once in Heaven by my Christ by my Head by my Righteousness and Life though on Earth by my Body or Person 188. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked on of God and should also be looked upon by us as that common or publick person in whom all tâ—e whole Body of his Elect are always to be considered and reckoned that we fulfilled the Law by him died by him rose from the dead by him got the Victory over sin death the devil and hell by him when he died we died and so of his Resurrection Thy dead men shall live together with my dead body shall they arise saith he Isa. 26. and again After two dayes he will revive us and the third day we shall live in his sight Hos. 6.2 which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the Heavens according to that to the Ephesians He hath raised us up together and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus Ephes. 2.6 189. Ah these blessed consiâ—erations and Scriptures with many other of a like nature were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes Praise ye the Lord God in his Sanctuary praise him in the firmament of his power praise him for his mighty acts praise him according to his excellent greatness Psal. 150.1 2. 190. Having thus in few words giâ—en you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my Soul went under by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards which comfort dwelt about a twelve-month with my heart to my unspeakable admiraration I will now God willing before I proceed any further give yoâ— in a word or two what as I conceive was the cause of this Temptation and also after thaâ— what advantage at tâ—e last it became unto my Soul 191. For the causes I conceived they were principally two of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me The first was Foâ— that I did not when I was deliveâ—ed from the Temptation that went before still pray to God to keep me from Temptations that were to come for though as I can say in truth my Soul was much in prayer before this tryal seized me yet then I prayed onely or at the most principally for the reâ—oval of present troubles and for fâ—esh discoveries of love in Christ which I saw afteâ—wards was not enough to do I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come 192. Of thâ—s I was made deeply sensible by the Prayer of holy David who when he was under present mercy yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come For then saith he shall I be upright and I shall be innocent from the GREAT transgression Psal. 19.13 by this very word was I gauâ—ed and condemned quite thorow this long temptation 193. That also was another word that did much condemn me for my folly in the negleâ—t of this duty Heb. 4.16 Let us therefâ—â—e come boldly to the Throne of Grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need this I had not done and therefore was suffered thus to sin and fall according to what is written Pray that ye enter not into temptation and tâ—uly this veâ—y thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me that I dare not when I come befoâ—e the Loâ—d go off my knees until I intreat him for help and mercy against the teâ—ptations that are to come and I do beseech thee Reader that thou learn to beware of my negligence by the affliction that for this thing I did for days and months and years with sorrow undergoe 194. Another cause of this temptation was That I had tempted God and on this manner did I do it Upon a
with such conceits as these I should think that God did mock at these my prayers saying and that in the audience of the holy Angels This poor simple Wretch doth hanker after me as if I had nothing to do with my mercy but to bestow it on such as he alas poor fool how art thou deceived it is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest 90. Then hath the Tempter come upon me also with such discouragements as these You are very hot for mercy but I will cool you this frame shall not last alwayes many have been as hot as you for a spirt but I have quench'd their Zeal and with this such and such who were fallen off would be set before mine eyes then I should be afraid that I should do so too but thought I I am glad this comes into my minde well I will watch and take what heed I can Though you do said Satan I shall be too hard for you I will cool you insensibly by degrees by little and little what care I saith he though I be seven years in chilling your heart if I can do it at last continual rocking will lull a crying Child asleep I will ply it close but I will have my end accomplished though you be burning hot at present yet if I can pull you from this fire I shall have you cold before it be long These things brought me into great straights for as I at present could not find my self fit for present death so I thought to live long would make me yet more unfit for time would make me forget all and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin the worth of Heaven and the need I had of the Blood of Châ—ist to wash me both out of mind and thought But I thank Christ Jesus these things did not at present make me slack my crying but rather did put me more upon it like her who met with the Adulterer Deut. 22.25 in which dayes that was a good word to me after I had suffered these things a while I am perswaded that neither death nor life c. shall separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus Rom. 8.38 And now I hoped long life should not destroy me nor make me miss of Heaven 91. Yet I had some supports in this temptation though they were then all questioned by me That in the third of Jeremiah at the fiâ—st was something to me and so was the consideration of the fifth verse of that Chapter that though we have spoken and done evil things as we could yet we should cry unto God My Father thou art the Guide of my youth and should return unto him 92. I had also once a sweet glance from that in â— Cor. 5.21 For he hath made him to be sin for us who knew no sin that we might be made the righteousness of God in him I remember also that one day as I was sitting in a Neighbours House and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies and as I was saying in my mind What ground have I to think that I who have been so vile and abominable should ever inherit eternal life that word came suddenly upon me What shall we say to these things If God be for us who can be against us Rom. 8.31 that also was an help unto me Because I live you shall live also Joh. 14.19 But these were but hints touches and short visits though very sweet when present onely they lasted not but like to Peters Sheet of a sudden were caught up from me to Heaven again Act. 10.16 93. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover himself unto me and indeed did quite not onely deliver me from the guilt that by these things was laid upon my Conscience but also from the very filth thereof for the temptation was removed and I was put into my right mind again as other Christians were 94. I remember that one day as I was traveling into the Countrey and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and considering of the enmity that was in me to God that Scripture came in my mind He hath made peace by the blood of his Cross Col. 1.20 by which I was made to see both again and again and again that day that God and my Soul were friends by this blood yea I saw that the justice of God and my sinful Soul could imbrace and kiss each other through this blood thiâ— was a good day to me I hope I shall not forget it 95. At another time as I was set by the fiâ—e in my house and musing on my wretchedness the Lord made that also a precious word unto me For as much then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood he also himself likewise took part of thâ— same that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death that is the Devil and deliver those who through the fear of death were all their life time subject to bondage Heb. 2.14 15. I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as I sat yet not with grief and trouble but with sollid joy and peace 96. At this time also I sat under the Ministry of holy Mr. Gifford whose Doctrine by Gods grace was much for my stability This man made it much his business to deliver the People of God from all those false and unsound rests that by Nature we are prone to take and make to our Souls he pressed us to take special heed that we took not up any truth upon trust as from this or that or another man or men but to cry mightily to God that he would convince us of the reality thereof and set us down therein by his own Spirit in the holy Word for said he if you do otherwise when temptations come if strongly you not having received them with evidence from Heaven will find you want that help and strength now to resist as once you thought you had 97. This was as seasonable to my Soul as the former and latter rain in their season for I had found and that by sad experience the truth of these his words For I had felt no man can say especially when tempted of the Devil that Jesus Christ is Lord but by the holy Ghost Wherefore I found my Soul thorow Grace very apt to drink in this Doctrine and to incline to pray to God that in nothing that pertained to Gods glory and my own eternal happiness he would suffer me to be without the confirmation thereof from Heaven for now I saw clearly there was an exceeding difference betwix the notions of flesh and blood and the Revelations of God in Heaven also a great difference between that faith that is fained and according to mans wisdom and of that which comes by a man being born thereto of God Mat. 16.15 16. 1 John 5.1 98.
the King contrary to the Law Esth. 4.16 I thought also of Benhadad's servants who went with ropes upon their heads to their Enemies for mercy 1 Kin. 20.31 c. the woman of Canaan also that would not be daunted though called dog by Christ Mat. 15.22 c. and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight Luk. 11.5 6 7 8 c. were great encouragements unto me 206. I never saw those heights and depths in grace and love and mercy as I saw after this temptation great sins do draw out great grace and where guilt is most terrible and fierce there the mercy of God in Christ when shewed to the Soul appears most high and mighty When Job had passed thorow his captivity he had twice as much as he had before Job 42.10 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of but I would be brief and therefore shall at this time omit them and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend lest they also be made to bear the iron yoak as I. 207. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lords dealings with me of his dealings with me at sundâ—y other seasons and of the temptations I then did meet withall I shall begin vvith vvhat I met vvith vvhen I first did joyn in fellowship vvith the People of God in Bedford After I had propounded to the Church that my desire vvas to vvalk in the Order and Ordinances of Christ vvith them and vvas also admitted by them vvhile I thought of that blessed Ordinance of Christ vvhich vvas his last Supper vvith his Disciples before his death that Scripture Do this in remembrance of me Luk. 22.19 was made a very precious word unto me for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of his death for my sins and as I then felt did as if he plunged me in the vertue of the same But behold I had not been long a partaker at that Ordinance but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein both to blaspheme the Ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts I was forced to bend my self all the while to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies and also to cry to God to bless the Bread and Cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth The reason of this temptation I have thought since was because I did not with that reverence at first approach to partake thereof 208. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year and could never have rest nor ease but at last the Lord came in upon my Soul with that same Scripture by which my Soul was visited before and after that I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed Ordinance and have I trust therein discerned the Lords Body as broken for my sins and that his pâ—ecious Blood had been shed for my transgressions 209. Upon a time I was somewhat inclining to a Consumption wherefore about the Spring I was suddenly and violently seized with much weakness in my outward man insomuch that I thought I could not live Now began I afresh to give my self up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future and of my Evidences for that blessed world to come For it hath I bless the name of God been my usual course as alwayes so especially in the day of affliction to endeavour to keep my interest in Life to come clear before mine eye 210. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my Soul but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction namely my deadness dulness and coldness in holy Duties my wandrings of heart my wearisomness in all good things my want of love to God his wayes and people with this at the end of all Are these the fruits of Christianity are these the tokens of a blessed man 211. At the apprehension of these things my sickness was doubled upon me for now was I sick in my inward man my Soul was clog'd with guilt now also was all my former experience of Gods goodness to me quite taken out of my mind and hid as if it had never been nor seen Now was my Soul greatly pinched between these two considerations Live I must not Die I dare not now I sunk and fell in my Spiâ—it and was giving up all for lost but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woful state that word of God took hold of my heâ—rt Ye are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus Rom. 3.24 212. Now was I as one awakened out of some trouâ—lesome sleep and dream and listening to this heavenly sentence I was as if I heard it thus expounded to me Sinner thou thinkest that because of thy sins and infirmities I cannot save thy Soul but bâ—hold my Son is by me and upon him I look and not on tâ—ree and will deal with thee according as I am pleased with him at this I was greatly lightened in my mind and made to understand that God could justifie a Sinner at any time it was but looking upon Christ and imputing of his benefits to us and the work was forthwith done 213. And as I was thus in a muse that Scripture came with great power upon my Spirit Not by works of righteousness that we have done but according to his mercy he saved us c. 2 Tim. 1 9. Tit. 3.5 now was I got on high I saw my self within the arms of Grace and Mercy and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour yet now I câ—ied Let me die now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight for I saw we shall never live indeed till we be gone to the other World O methought this life is but a slumber in comparison of that above at this time also I saw more in those words Heirs of God Rom. 8.17 then ever I shall be able to expâ—ess while I live in this world Heirs of God! God himself is the portion of the Saints this I saw and wondered at but cannot tell you what I saw 214. At another time though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life I was also so over-run in my Soul with a senceless heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my Soul to move or stir after grace and life
hath been made upon it 249. Just thus I saw it was and will be with them who have Gifts but want saving-Grace they are in the hand of Christ as the Cymbal in the hand of David and as David could with the Cymbal make that mirth in the service of God as to elevate the hearts of the Worshippers so Christ can use these gifted men as with them to affect the Souls of his People in his Chuâ—ch yet when he hath done all hang them by as lifeless though sounding Cymbals 250. This consideration therefore together with some others were for the most part as a maul on the head of pride and desire of vain-glory What thought I shall I be proud because I am a sounding Brass is it so much to be a Fiddle hath not the least Creature that hath life more of God in it than these besides I knew 't was Love should never die but these must cease and vanish So I concluded a little Grace a little Love a little of the true Fear of God is better then all these Gifts Yea and I am fully convinced of it that it is possible for a Soul that can scarce give a man an answer but with great confusion as to method I say it is possible for them to have a thousand times more Grace and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord then some who by vertue of the Gift of Knowledge can deliver themselves like Angels A brief Account of the Authors Imprisonment 251. HAving made profession of the glorious Gospel of Christ along time and had preached the same about five year I was apprehended at a Meeting of good People in the Countrey amongst whom had they let me alone I should â—â—ve preached that day but they took me away from amongst them and had me before a Justice who after I had offered security for my appearing at the next Sessions yet committed me becâ—use my Sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people 252. At the Sessions after I was indicted for an Upholder and Maintainer of unlawful Assemblies and Conventicles and for not conforming to the National Woâ—ship of the Church of England and after some conference there with the Justices was sentenced to perpetual banishment because I refused to Conform So being again delivered â—p to the Goalers hands I was had home to Prison again and there have lain now above five year and a quarter waiting to see what God will suffer these mâ—n to do with me 253. In which condition I have continued wiâ—h much content thorow Grace but have met with many tuâ—nings and goiâ—gs upon my heart both fâ—om the Lord Satan and my own corruptions by all which glory be to Jesus Christ I have also received among many things much conviction instruction and understanding of which at laâ—ge I shall not here discourse onely give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the Godly to bless God and to pray for me and also to take encouraâ—ement shouâ—d the case be their own Not to fear what man can do unto them 254. I never had in all my life so great an inleâ— into the Word of God as now them Scrâ—ptures that I saw nothing in before are made in this place and state to shine upon me Jesus Christ alâ—o was never more reâ—l and apparent then now here I have seen him and felt him indeed O that word We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables 2 Pet. 1 16. and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave him glory that your faith and hope might be in God 1 Pet. 1.20 were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition 255. These three or four Scriptures also have been great refreshment in this condition to me Joh. 14.1 2 3 4. Joh. 16.33 Col. 3.3 4. Heb. 12.22 23 24. So that sometimes when I have been in the favour of them I have been able to laugh at destruction and â—o fear neiâ—her the Horse nor his Rider I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world O the Mount Zion the heavenly Jerusalem the innumerable company of Angels and God the Judge of all and the Spirits of just men made perfect and Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place I have seen that here that I am perswaded I shall never while in this world be able to express I have seen a truth in that Scripture Whom having not seen ye love in whom though now ye see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1.8 256. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every offer of Satan c. as I have found him since I came in hither for look how fears have presented themselves so have supports and encouragements yea when I have started even as it were at nothing else but my shadow yet God as being very tender of me hath not suffered me to be molested but would with one Scripture and another stâ—engthen me against all insomuch that I have often said Were it lawful I could pray for greater trouble for the greater comforts sake Eccles. 7.14 2 Cor. 1.5 257. Before I came to Prison I saw what was a coming and had especially two Considerations wâ—rm upon my heart the first was How to be able to endure should my imprisonment be lonâ— and tedious the second was How to be able to encounter death should that be here my portion For the first of these that Scripture Col. 1.11 was great information to me namely to pray to God to be strengthened with all might according to his glorious power unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned but for not so little as a year together this Sentence of sweet Petition would as it were thrust it self into my mind and perswade me that if ever I would go thorow long-suffering I must have all patience especially if I would endure it joyfully 258. As to the second Consideration that Saying 2 Cor. 1.9 was of great use unto me But we had the sentence of death in our selves that we might not trust in our selves but in God that raiseth the dead by this Scripture I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life even to reckon my Self my Wife my Children my health my enjoyments and all as dead to me my self as dead to them 259. The second was to live upon God that is invisible as Paul said in another place The way not to faint is to look not at the things that are seen but at the things that are not seen for the things that are seen are temporal but the things that are not seen they
very deep pause about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to and after long musing I lifted up my head but me thought I saw as if the Sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give me light and as if the very stones the street and tiles upon the house did bend themselves against me O how happâ— now was every creature over I was for they stooâ— fast and kept their station but I was gone anâ— lost 143. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my Soul I said with a grievous sigh How can God comfort such a wretch as I I had no sooner said it but this returned upon me as an eccho doth answer a voice This sin is not unto death At which I was as if I had been raised out of a grave and cryed out again Lord how couldst thou find out such a word as this For I was filled with admiration at the firness and also at the unexpectedness of the sentence 144. Now I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness But O how Satan now diâ— lay about him for to bring me down again But he could by no means do it neither this day nor the most part of the next for this good sentence stood like a Mill-post at my back Yet towards the evening of the next day I felt this word begin to leave me and to withdraw its supportation from me and so I returned to my old fears again but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness for I feared the sorrow of it 145. But the next day at evening being under many fears I went to seek the Lord and as I prayed I cryed to him in these words O Lord I beseech thee shew me that thou hast lâ—ved me with an everlasting love Jer. 31.3 I had no sooner said it but with sweetness it returned upon me I have loved thee with an everlasting lâ—ve Now I went to bed at quiet also when I awaked the next morning it was fresh upon my Soul 146. But yet the Tempter left me not for it could not be so little as an hundâ—ed times that he that day did labour to break my peace O the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with as I strove to hold by this word that of Esau would flie in my face like to Lightning I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour Yet God did bear me up and keep my heart upon this word from which I had also for several days together very much sweetness and comfortable hopes of pardon For thus it was made out to me I loved thee whilst thou wast committing this sin I loved thee before I love thee still and I will love thee for ever 147. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous and a filthy crime and could not but conclude and that with great shame and astonishment that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity him and my bowels to yearn towards him for I saw he was still my friend and did reward me good for evil yea the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ did work at this time such strong and hot desire of revengement upon my self for the abuse I had done unto him that to speak as then I thought had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins I could freely have spilt it all at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour 148. And as I was thus in musing and in my studies how to love the Lord and to express my love to him that saying came in upon me If thou Lord shouldst mark iniquity O Lord who should stand but there is forgiveness with thee that thou mayst be feared Psal. 130.4 These were good words to me especially the latter part thereof to wit that there is forgiveness with the Lord that he might be feared that is as then I understood it that he might be loved and had in reverence for it was thus made out to me That the great God did setâ— foâ— high an esteem upon the love of his poor Creatures thâ—â— rather then he would go without their love he would pardon their transgressions 149. And now was that word fulfilled on me and I was also refreshed by it Then shall they be ashamed and confounded and never open their mouth any more because of their shame when I am pacified towards thee for all that thou hast done saith the Lord God Ezek. 16.36 Thus was my Soul at this time and as I then did think for ever set at liberty from being again afflicted with my former guilt and amazement 150. But before many weeks were over I began to dispond again fearing lest notwithstanding all that I had injoyed that yet I might be deceived and destroyed at the last for this consideration came strong into my mind That whatever comfort and peace I thought I might have from the word of the Promise of Life yet unless there could be found in my refreshment a concurrance and agreement in the Scriptures let me think what I will thereof and hold it never so fast I should finde no such thing at the end For the Scriptures cannot be broken John 10.35 151. Now began my heart again to take and fear I might meet with disappointment at the last Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort and to consider whether one that had sinned as I have done might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which I had leaned my self but now was brought those sayings to my minde For it is impossible for those who were once enlightned and have tasted the heavenly gift and were made partakers of the holy Ghost and have tasted the good word of God and the Powers of the World to come if they shall fall away to renew thâ—m again unto repentance Heb. 6. For if we sin wilfully after we have received the knowledge of the truth there remains no more sacrifice for sin but a certain fearful looking for of Judgement and fiery Indignation which shall devour the advtrsaries Heb. 10. Even as Esau who for one morsel of meat sold his Birthright for you know how that afterwards when he would have inherited the Blessing he was rejected for he found no place of repentance though he sought it carefully with tears Heb. 12. 152. Now was the word of the Gospel forced from my Soul so that no Promise or Encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me Rejoyce not O Israel for joy as other People Hos. 9.1 for I saw indeed there was cause of rejoycing for those that held to Jesus but as for me I had cut my self off by my transgressions and left