of which he dy'd with this very Aqua Tetrachymagogon Enter Sir Patient Sir Pat. Well Gentlemen am I not an intruder Fat Sir we have duly consider'd the state of your Body and are now about the order and method you are to observe Brun. Aye this distemper will be the occasion of his death Sir Cred. Hold Brothers I do not say the occasion of his death But the occasional cause of his death Sir Pat. reads the Bill Sir Pat. Why here 's no time allow'd for eating Gentlemen Amst. Sir we 'le justify this Prescription to the whole College Ley. If he will not follow it let him dye All. Aye let him dye Enter Lodwick and Leander Lod. What have you consulted without me Gentlemen Lod. reads the Bill Sir Pat. Yes Sir and find it absolutely necessary for my health Sir I shou'd be starv'd and yet you say I am not sick Sir To Leand. Lod. Very well very well Sir Pat. No Breakfast no Dinner no Supper Sir Cred. Little or none but none 's best Sir Pat. But Gentlemen consider no small thing All. Nothing nothing Sir Cred. Sir you must write for your Fee To Lod. Lod. Now I think on 't Sir you may eat writes a Rosted-Pippin cold upon a Vine leaf at night Lean. Do you see Sir what damn'd canting Rascals these Doctors are Sir Pat. Aye aye if all Doctors were such ingeniously I shou'd soon be weary of Physick Lean. Give 'em their Fees Sir and send 'em to the Devil for a company of Cheats Sir Pat. Truth is there 's no faith in 'em well I thank you for your care and pains gives 'em Fees Sir Cred. Sir if you have any occasion for me I live at the Red colour'd Lanthorn with Eleven Candles in 't in the Strand where you may come in privately and need not be ashamed I having no Creature in my House but my self and my whole Family Exeunt Ick quam Van Neder Landt te spreken End helpen Van Pocken end ander gebreken That 's a top of my Bill sweet Sir Fan. Lord Sir Father why did you give 'em money Lean. For talking nonsense this hour or two upon his distemper Fan. Oh lemini Sir they did not talk one word of you but of Dogs and Horses and of killing folks and of their Wives and Daughters and when the Wine was all out they said they wou'd say something for their Fees Sir Pat. Say you so Knaves Rogues Cheats Murderers I 'le be reveng'd on 'em all I 'le ne're be sick again or if I be I 'le die honestly of my self without the assistance of such Rascals go get you gone To Fan. who goes out Lean. A happy resolution wou'd you wou'd be so kind to your self as to make a trial of your Lady too and if she prove true 't will make some kind of amends for your so long being couzen'd this way Sir Pat. I 'le about it this very minute about it give me a Chair He sits Lean. So settle your self well disorder your Hair throw away your Cane Hat and Gloves stare and rowl your eyes squeez your Face into Convulsions clutch your hands make your Stomach heave so very well now let me alone for the rest Oh help help my Lady my Aunt for Heavens sake help come all and see him die Weeps Enter Wittmore Lady Fancy Isabella Lucretia Lady Knowell and Roger. Witt. Leander what 's the matter Lean. See Madam see my Uncle in the Agonies of Death La. Fa. My dearest Husband dying Oh! Weeps Lean. How hard he struggles with departing life Isab. Father dear Father must I in one day receive a blessing with so great a curse Oh he 's just going Madam Weeps La. Fa. Let me o'retake him in the shades below why do you hold me can I live without him do I dissemble well Aside to Witt. Sir Pat. Not live without me do you hear that sirrah Aside to Lean. Lean. Pray Mark the end on 't Sir feign feign La. Kn. We left him well how came he thus o' th' suddain Lean. I fear 't is an Apoplexy Madam La. Fa. Run run for his Physician but do not stir a foot Aside to Roger. Look up and speak but one kind word to me Sir Pat. What cries are these that stop me on my way La. Fa. They 're mine your Ladies oh surely he 'le recover Aside your most obedient Wife's Sir Pat. My Wife 's my Heir my sole Executrix La. Fa. Hah is he in 's senses Aside to Witt. Oh my dear Love my Life my Joy my all Cryes oh let me goe I will not live without him Seems to faint in Wittmore 's Armes All run about her Sir Pat. Do ye hear that sirrah Lean. Have yet a little patience die away very well Oh he 's gone quite gone La. Fa. swounds La. Kn. Look to my Lady there swounds again sure she can but counterfeit Aside They all go about her Sir Pat. Hah my Lady dying Lean. Sir I beseech you wait the event Death the cunning Devil will dissemble too long and spoil all here carry the dead Corps of my dearest Uncle to his Chamber Nurse to your care I commit him now Exeunt with Sir Pat. in a Chair All follow but Wittmore who going the other way meets Sir Credulous and Lodwick as before Witt. Lodwick the strangest unexpected News Sir Patient's Dead Sir Cred. How dead we have play'd the Physicians to good purpose i'faith and kill'd the man before we administred our Physick Witt. Egad I fear so indeed Lod. Dead Witt. As a Herring and 't will be dangerous to keep these habits longer Sir Cred. Dangerous Zoz man we shall all be hang'd why our very Bill dispatch'd him and our Hands are to 't oh I 'le confess all Offers to goe Lod. Death Sir I 'le cut your Throat if you stir Sir Cred. Wou'd you have me hang'd for company Gentlemen Oh where shall I hide my self or how come at my cloaths Lod. We have no time for that go get you into your Basket again and lie snug till I have convey'd you safe away or I 'le abandon you Aside to him 'T is not necessary he shou'd be seen yet he may spoil Leander's Plot. Aside Sir Cred. Oh thank ye dear Lodwick let me escape this bout and if ever the Fool turn Physician again may he be choak'd with his own Tetrachymagogon Witt. Go hast and undress you whilst I 'le to Lucia Ex. Lod. As Wittmore is going out at one Door Enter Sir Patient and Leander at the other Lean. Hah Wittmore there he must not see my Uncle yet Puts Sir Pat. back Ex. Witt. Sir Pat. Nay Sir never detain me I 'le to my Lady is this your Demonstration was ever so vertuous a Lady Well I 'le to her and console her poor heart ah the joy 't will bring her to see my Resurrection I long to surprize her Going off cross the Stage Lean. Hold Sir I think she 's coming blest sight and with her
La. Fa. What 's the matter Dear thou dost so fret thy self Sir Pat. The matter my house my house is besieged with impertinence the intolerable Lady Madam Romance that walking Library of Profane Books is come to visit me La. Fa. My Lady Knowell Sir Pat. Yes that Lady of eternal noise and hard words La. Fa. Indeed 't is with pain I am oblig'd to be civil to her but I consider her Quality her Husband was too an Alderman your friend and a great Ay and no Man i' th' City and a painful promoter of the good Cause Sir Pat. But she 's a Fop my Lady Fancy and ever was so an idle conceited she Fop and has vanity and tongue enough to debauch any Nation under Civil Government but Patience thou art a vertue and Affliction will come Ah I 'me very sick alas I have not long to dwell amongst the Wicked Oh oh Roger is the Doctor come Enter Roger. Rog. No Sir but he has sent you a small draught of a Pint which you are to take and move upon 't Sir Pat. Ah Well I 'le in and take it Ah Sir I crave your Patience for a moment for I design you shall see my Daughter I 'le not make long work on 't Sir alas I would dispose of her before I die Ah I 'le bring her to you Sir Ah Ah. Goes out with Roger. La. Fa. He 's always thus when visited to save charges But how dear Wittmore cam'st thou to think of a Name and Countrey so readily Witt. Egad I was at the height of my invention and the Alderman civilly and kindly assisted me with the rest but how to undeceive him La. Fa. Take no care for that in the mean time you 'l be shrewdly hurt to have the way laid open to our enjoyment and that by my Husbands procurement too but take heed dear Wittmore whilst you only design to feign a Courtship you do it not in good earnest VVitt. Unkind Creature La. Fa. I wou'd not have you indanger her heart neither for thou hast Charmes will do 't Prethee do not put on thy best looks nor speak thy softest language for if thou dost thou canst not fail to undoe her VVitt. Well my pretty Flatterer to free her heart and thy suspicions I 'le make such aukward Love as shall perswade her however she chance to like my Person to think most lewdly of my parts But 't is fit I take my leave for if Lodwick or Leander see me here all will be ruin'd death I had forgot that La. Fa. Leander's seldom at home and you must time your Visits but see Sir Patient 's return'd and with him your new Mistress Enter Sir Patient and Isabella Sir Pat. Here 's my Daughter Isabella Mr. Fain-love she 'l serve for a Wife Sir as times goe but I hope you are none of those Sweet-heart this Gentleman I have design'd you he 's rich and young and I am old and sickly and just going out of the world and would gladly see thee in safe hands Maun He has been just going this twenty Years Aside Sir Pat. Therefore I command you to receive the tenders of his Affection Enter Fany Fan. Sir Father my Lady Knowell's in the Garden La. Fa. My Dear we must go meet her in decency Sir Pat. A hard case a man cannot be sick in quiet Goes out Isab. A Husband and that not Lodwick Heaven forbid Aside VVitt. Now Foppery assist to make me very ridiculous Death she 's very pretty and inviting what an insensible Dog shall I be counted to refuse the enjoyment of so fair so new a Creature and who is like to be thrown into my Arms too whether I will or not but Conscience and my vows to the fair Mother No I will be honest Madam as Gad shall save me I 'me the Son of a Whore if you are not the most Bell Person I ever saw and if I be not damnably in love with you but a pox take all tedious Courtship I have a free-born and generous Spirit and as I hate being confin'd to dull cringing whining flattering and the Devil and all of Foppery so when I give an heart I 'me an Infidel Madam if I do not love to do 't frankly and quickly that thereby I may oblige the Beautiful receiver of my Vows Protestations Passions and Inclination Isab. You 're wonderfull ingaging Sir and I were an Ingrate not to facilitate a return for the Honour you are pleas'd to do me Witt. Upon my Reputation Madam you 're a civil well-bred Person you have all the Agreemony of your Sex La Bell Talie la Boon Mien reparteét bien and are tout one toore as I 'me a Gentleman fort agreeable If this do not please your Lady and Nauseate her the Devil 's in 'em both for unreasonable Women To Maund Fan. Gemini Sister does the Gentleman Conjure Isab. I know not but I 'me sure I never saw a more affected Fop. Maun Oh a damnable impertinent Fop 't is pity for he 's a proper Gentleman Witt. Well if I do hold out Egad I shall be the bravest young fellow in Christendome but Madam I must kiss your hand at present I have some Visits to make Devoirs to pay necessities of Gallantry only no Love ingagement by Iove Madam it is sufficient I have given my Parole to your Father to do him the honour of my Alliance and an unnecessary Jealousie will but disoblige Madam your slave Death these Rogues will see me and I 'me undone Exit Enter Lady Fancy Lady Knowell Sir Credulous and Lucr. with other women and men La. Kno. Isabella your servant Madam being sensible of the insociable and solitary life you lead I have brought my whole Family to wait on your Ladyship and this my Son in Futuro to kiss your hands I beseech your Ladyship to know him for your humble servant my Son and your Nephew Madam are coming with the Musick too we mean to pass the whole day with your Ladyship and see they are here Enter Lodwick pulling in Wittmore Leander with them Lod. Nay since we have met thee so luckily you must back with us Witt. You must excuse me Gentlemen Lod. We 'le show ye two or three fine women Witt. Death these Rogues will ruine me but I have business Gentlemen that Lean. That must not hinder you from doing deeds of Charity we are all come to teaze my Uncle and you must assist at so good a work come gad thou shalt make love to my Aunt I wou'd he wou'd effectually Aside Lod. Now I think on 't what the Devil dost thou make here Witt. Here oh Sir a I have a design upon the Alderman Lod. Upon his handsome Wife thou meanest ah Rogue Witt. Faith no a 't is to borrow Mony of him and as I take it Gentlemen you are not fit persons for a man of Credit to be seen with I pass for a graver man Lod. Well Sir take your Course but egad he 'le sooner lend thee
's the matter what Thunder Clap was that Wittmore runs under the Bed she runs to Sir Patient and holds him in his Bed La. Fa. Pray Sir lye still 't was I was only going to sit down and a suddain giddiness took me in my head which made me fall and with me the Chair there is no danger near ye Sir I was just coming to sleep by you Sir Pat. Go you 're a flattering Huswife goe Catch her catch her catch her Lyes down she covers him La. Fa. Oh how I tremble at the dismal apprehension of being discovered had I secur'd my self of the Eight thousand Pound I wou'd not value Wittmores being seen but now to be found out wou'd call my Wit in question for 't is the fortunate alone are wise Wittmore peeps from under the Bed she goes softly to the door to open it Witt. Was ever man so Plagu'd hah what 's this confound my tell-tale Watch the Larum goes and there no getting to 't to silence it Damn'd Misfortune Sir Patient rises and flings open the Curtains Sir Pat. Hah what 's that La. Fa. Heavens what 's the matter we are destin'd to discovery She runs to Sir Patient and leaves the door still fast Sir Pat. What 's that I say what 's that let me see let me see what ringing's that oh let me see what ' t is Strives to get up she holds him down La. Fa. Oh now I see my fate 's inevitable alas that ever I was born to see 't Weeps Witt. Death she 'le tell him I am here nay he must know 't a Pox of all invention and Mechanicks and he were damn'd that first contriv'd a Watch. Sir Pat. Hah dost weep why dost weep I say what noise is that what ringing hah La. Fa. 'T is that 't is that my dear that makes me weep alas I never hear this fatall Noise but some dear friend dyes Sir Pat. Hah dyes oh that must be I Aye Aye oh La. Fa. I 've heard it Sir this two dayes but wou'd not tell you of it Sir Pat. Hah heard it these two dayes oh what is' t a death-watch hah La. Fa. Aye Sir a death-watch a certain Larum death-watch a thing that has warn'd our Family this hundred years oh I 'me the most undone Woman Witt. A blessing on her for a dear dissembling Gilt death and the Devil will it never cease Sir Pat. A death-watch ah 't is so I 've often heard of these things methinks it sounds as if 't were under the Bed Offers to look she holds him La. Fa. You think so Sir but that 't is about the Bed is my grief it therefore threatens you oh wretched Woman Sir Pat. Aye aye I 'me too happy in a wife to live long well I will settle my House at Hogsdowne with the Land about it which is 500 l. a year upon thee live or dye do not grieve Lays himself down La. Fa. Oh I never had more cause come try to sleep your fate may be diverted whilst I 'le to prayers for your dear health I have almost run Covers him draws the Curtains out all my stock of Hypocrisie and that hated Art now fails me no all ye Powers that favour distrest Lovers assist us now and I 'le provide against your future Malice She makes signes to Wittmore he peeps Witt. I 'me impatient of Freedom yet so much happiness as I but now injoy'd without this part of Suffering had made me too blest Death and Damnation what curst luck have I Makes signs to her to open the Door whilst he creeps softly from under the Bed to the Table by which going to raise himself he pulls down all the Dressing things at the same instant Sir Patient leaps from the Bed and she returns from the door and sits on Wittmores back as he lies on his hands and knees and makes as if she swounded Sir Pat. What 's the matter what 's the matter has Satan broke his everlasting Chain and got loose abroad to Plague poor Mortalls hah what 's the matter Runs to his Lady La. Fa. Oh help I dye I faint run down and call for help Sir Pat. My Lady dying oh she 's gon she faints what ho who waits Cries and baules La. Fa. Oh go down and bring me help the door is lockt they cannot hear ye oh I goe I dye He opens the door and calls help help Witt. Damn him there 's no escaping without I kill the Dog from under her peeping La. Fa. Lye still or we are undone Sir Patient returns with Maundy Maun Hah discover'd Sir Pat. Help help my Lady dies Maun Oh I perceive how 't is Alas she 's dead quite gone oh rub her temples Sir Sir Pat. Oh I 'me undone then Weeps oh my dear my Vertuous Lady La. Fa. Oh where 's my Husband my dearest Husband oh bring him near me Sir Pat. I 'me here my Excellent Lady She takes him about the neck and raises her self up gives Wittmore a little kick behind Witt. Oh the dear Lovely Hypocrite was ever Man so near discovery Goes out Sir Pat. Oh how hard she presses my head to her Bosome Maun Ah that grasping hard Sir is a very bad sign Sir Pat. How does my good my dearest Lady Fancy La. Fa. Something better now give me more Air that dismall Larum Death-watch had almost kill'd me Sir Pat. Ah Precious Creature how she afflicts her self for me come let 's walk into the Dining room 't is more Airie from thence into my Study and make thy self Mistress of that Fortune I have design'd thee thou best of Women Exeunt Leading her The End of the Fourth Act. ACT V. SCENE I. A Table and Six Chairs Enter Isabella Reading a Letter Betty tricking her Isab. HHow came you by this Letter Bet. Miss Fanny receiv'd it by a string from his Window by which he took up that you writ to him this morning Isab. What means this nicety forbear I say puts Betty from her Bet. You cannot be too fine upon your VVedding day Isab. Thou art mistaken leave me whatever he says here to satisfy my jealousy I am confirm'd that he was false yet this assurance to free me from this intended marriage makes me resolve to pardon him however guilty Enter Wittmore How now what means this insolence How dare you having so lately made your guilty approaches venture again into my presence Witt. Why Is there any danger but what 's so visible in those fair eyes Isab. And there may lie enough Sir when they 're angry By what Authority do you make this sawcy visit Witt. That of a Husband Madam I came to congratulate the mighty joy this day will bring you Isab. Thou dar'st not marry me there will be danger in 't Witt. Why sure you do not carry Death in your imbraces I find no Terrour in that lovely shape no Daggers in that pretty scornfull look that breath that utters so much Anger now last night was sweet as new-blown Roses are and spoke
Wittmore Puts Sir Pat. back to the door Enter Lady Fancy and Wittmore Sir Pat. Hah what 's this La. Fa. Now my dear VVitmore claim thy Rites of Love without controll without the contradiction of wretched Poverty or Jealousy Now undisguis'd thou maist approach my Bed and reign o're all my Pleasures and my Fortunes of which this minute I create thee Lord. And thus begin my Homage Kisses him Sir Pat. Sure 't is some Fiend This cannot be my Lady Lean. 'T is something uncivil before your face Sir to do this VVitt. Thou wondrous kind and wondrous Beautiful that Power that made thee with so many Charms gave me a Soul sit onely to adore 'em nor wert thou destin'd to another's Arms but to be render'd still more fit for mine Sir Pat. Hah is not that Fain-love Isabella's Husband Oh Villain Villain I will renounce my Sense and my Religion Aside La. Fa. Anothers Armes Oh call not those hated thoughts to my remembrance Lest it destroy that kindly heat within me Which thou canst onely raise and still maintain Sir Pat. Oh Woman Woman damn'd dissembling Woman Aside La. Fa. Come let me lead thee to that Mass of Gold he gave me to be despis'd And which I render thee my lovely Conquerour As the first Tribute of my Glorious Servitude Draw in the Basket which I told you of and is amongst the Rubbish in the Hall Ex. Wittmore That which the Slave so many years was toiling for I in one moment barter for a Kiss as Earnest of our future Joys Sir Pat. Was ever so prodigal a Harlot was this the Saint was this the most tender Consort that ever man had Lean. No in good faith Sir Enter Wittmore pulling in the Basket La. Fa. This is it with a direction on 't to thee whither I design'd to send it Witt. Good morrow to the day and next the Gold open the Shrine that I may see my Saint hail the Worlds Soul Opens the Basket Sir Cred. starts up La. Fan. O Heavens what thing art thou Sir Cred. O Pardon Pardon sweet Lady I confess I had a hand in 't La. Fa. In what thou slave Sir Cred. Killing the good believing Alderman but 't was against my will La. Fa. Then I 'me not so much oblig'd to thee but where 's the money the 8000 l. the Plate and Jewels sirrah VVitt. Death the Dog has eat it Sir Cred. Eat it oh Lord eat 8000 l. wou'd I might never come out of this Basket alive if ever I made such a meal in my life VVitt. Ye Dog you have eat it and I 'le make ye swallow all the Doses you writ in your Bill but I 'le have it upward or downward Aside Sir Pat. Hah one of the Rogues my Doctours Sir Cred. Oh dear Sir hang me out of the way rather Enter Maundy Mau. Madam I have sent away the Basket to Mr. VVittmores Lodgings La. Fa. You might have sav'd your self that labour I now having no more to doe but to bury the stinking Corps of my quondam Cuckold dismiss his Daughters and give thee quiet possession of all To Witt. Sir Pat. Fair Lady you 'l take me along with you Snaps Pulls off his Hat and comes up to her La. Fa. My Husband I 'me betray'd Sir Pat. Husband I do defie thee Satan thou greater Whore than she of Babylon thou shame thou abomination to thy Sex La. Fa. Rail on whilst I dispose my self to laugh at thee Sir Pat. Leander call all the House in to be a witness of our Divorce Ex. Leander La. Fa. Do and all the World and let 'em know the Reason Sir Pat. Methinks I find an inclination to swear to curse my self and thee that I cou'd no better discern thee nay I 'me so chang'd from what I was that I think I cou'd even approve of Monarchy and Church Discipline I 'me so truly convinc'd I have been a beast and an ass all my life Enter La. Know Isabella Lucre. Lean. Lodwick Fan. c. La. Kn. Hah Sir Patient not dead Sir Pat. Ladies and Gentlemen take notice that I am a Cuckold a Crop-ear'd snivelling Cuckold Sir Cred. A Cuckold sweet Sir shaw that 's a small matter in a man of your Quality Sir Pat. And I beg your pardon Madam for being angry that you call'd me so To La. Know And yours Dear Isabella for desiring you to marry my good Friend there points to Witt. whose Name I perceive I was mistaken in And yours Leander that I wou'd not take your Advice long since And yours fair Lady for believing you honest t was done like a credulous Coxcomb And yours Sir for taking any of your Tribe for Wise Learn'd or Honest. To Sir Credulous Witt. Faith Sir I deceiv'd ye onely to serve my Friend and Sir your Daughter is married to Mr. Knowell your Wife had all my stock of Love before Sir Lod. and Isab. kneel Sir Pat. Why God-a-mercy some comfort that God bless ye I shall love disobedience while I live for 't Lod. I 'me glad on 't Sir for then I hope you will forgive Leander who has married my Sister and not my Mother Sir Pat. How has he serv'd me so I 'le make him my Heir for 't thou hast made a Man of me my Boy and faith we will be merry fair Lady you may depart in peace fair Lady restoring my Money my Plate my Jewels and my Writings fair Lady La. Fa. You gave me no Money Sir prove it if you can and for your Land 't was not settled with this Proviso If she be Honest Sir Pat. 'T is well thou dost confess I am a Cuckold for I wou'd have it known fair Lady La. Fa. 'T was to that End I married you good Alderman Sir Pat. I'faith I think thou didst sweet-heart I'faith I think thou didst VVitt. Right Sir for we have long been Lovers but want of Fortune made us contrive how to marry her to your good Worship Many a wealthy Citizen Sir has contributed to the maintenance of a younger Brother's Mistress and you are not the first Man in Office that has been a Cuckold Sir Sir Pat. Some comfort that too the Brethren of the Chain cannot laugh at me Sir Cred. A very pleasant old Fellow this faith I cou'd be very merry with him now but that I am damnable sad Madam I shall desire to lay the Saddle on the right Horse To La. Know La. Kn. What mean you Sir Sir Cred. Onely Madam if I were as some men are I should not be as I am La. Kn. It may be so Sir Sir Cred. I say no more but matters are not carry'd so swimmingly but I can dive into the meaning on 't Sir Patient talks this while to Lodw. La. Kn. I hate this Hypothetical way of arguing answer me Categorically Sir Cred. Hypothetical and Categorical what does she mean now Aside Madam in plain English I am made a Iohn A-Nokes of Iack-hold-my-staff a Merry Andrew Doctor to give Leander time to marry your