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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A16799 Strange nevves out of diuers countries neuer discouered till of late, by a strange pilgrime in those parts. Breton, Nicholas, 1545?-1626? 1622 (1622) STC 3702.5; ESTC S104700 16,963 28

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diuers places neare to her dwelling place Now for her diet she vsed most to feede vpon such morsels as most fitted her appetite especially such nourishing meates as best agreed with the constitution of her complexion when in an idle humour one euening she was so busie with a Lobstart that with a surfet vpon the same she fell quezie stomackt and so inflam'd her blood that she grew fantasticke and in a few nights after set many of her Maypoles on fire and in a little time after with the extremitie of passion fell into the Falling sicknesse which in a short time brought her carkas into a consumption and so in a few dayes after into her last lodging in the earth but for any great memoriall of her I reade nothing but that in her life time she had the breaking vp of youth who since her death haue continued their course to their vtter condemnation but since that for any matter of great note more then that shee was a notorious peece of pedlers stuffe the newes being of no importance it is no matter what became of her 4. In the valley of Saint Grineums the great Lord of Lo●zie bush venturing to ride late in the night and not seeing his way fell into a deepe bog where he was so bemir'd that with a cold after a heate he caught such a relapse as that many of his copartners in his passages were greatly afraid that he would fall into a consumption both of bodie and goods a great infirmitie and hardly to be helped But hearing no matter of worth in the man nor any thing but that he liued in all vnworthinesse and died nothing worth the newes being of no importance it is no matter what became of him onely as a Lord of Langdebie●e let him be well boiled and serued in a messe of Bruesse at a beggers table and so let him go 5. From the coast of Careaway neare the Cape of ill Hope there came newes of a little Knight of great valour Sir Walter whet whistle who was of that force that whosoeuer encountred with him if he stood long with him in the end he was ouerthrowne Now there dwelt neare him one Sir Dogbolt Driebread who did oftentimes make a roade into his countrey and vpon a time set vpon him with all his Forces thinking at vnawares to surprise with him of which an euill neighbour to them both Sir Swines head Great swallow hauing intelligence with his armie came vpon them both and so stoutly followed his fortune that he tooke them both prisoners in the field and made them both Tributaries to his greatnesse Whether the newes be true or no it is of no importance and therefore onely fit for the great Foole to feede his humour withall 6. In the vnknowne Iland some twelue thousand miles from the great Bay of Port de Pouero where the watrie monsters keepe their Court vnder water it is reported that in that Land were great store of flesh but little wholesome for the vse of man sauing onely Hares and Conies which well dressed would now and then serue the ●urne for a strong stomacke For most of their other beasts were Foxes Wolues and Badgers and Polcats which were the spoile of many yong Lambs and sucking Rabbets yea and sometime of elder Game They had also in that country great store of Foule and birds of diuers fethers but few of them wholesome or toothsome as Dawes Rookes Crowes Night rauens Shrich Owles Cormorants and Guls which feed vpon Lambs Rabbets Mice Wormes Fish Carion and Garbidge but few of them whose flesh was fit to be serued at any Table of account but among many other Fetherd creatures they had many balde Buzzards which fed much vpon Titrimouses and hedge sparrowes which were no sooner out of the hedge but they would be vpon them and sometime so ouergorge themselues with them that with foule feeding and ouerfeeding they would fall flat on their backes with their heeles vpward so weake and faint that euery Crow might haue a picke at them Now the Traueller into that country who brought the newes from thence being vnhappily by ill weather cast vpon that coast and finding little or nothing to trade for that might giue him hope of any gaine hauing vpon a cold night lien watching at a Coniborough and scarce well and wearie in the morning making haste to get on boord with a fit gale for his purpose put out of an ill harbour and gate roundly to sea and safely returned home againe sauing that he gat such a numnesse in his ioynts and stiffnesse in his elbowes that he could scarce put his hand to his head to take off his hat at the deliuery of his trauell Of which hearing nothing worth any thing being of no great importance I found it serued onely for an idle Foole to fit the great humour of his little wit 7. In the Iland of A Merricat vnder the Equinoctial line in the Straits of Margerian in a swift current between the Lake Maudelina and the mouth of the riuer of Allitia by reason of certaine vnwholesome vapors that arose out of certaine Sulphurous mines neare vnto the sea diuers passage-boates perished or grew so rotten that if any of the passengers made shift to get home again though with losse of their ware and danger of their liues yet neither they nor the vessels were euer fit for any good emploiment or to any seruice of worth but being likely that either they were olde vessels that could abide no foule weather or some small Barkes that were swallowed vp in some swelling billowes since the certaintie thereof is not yet knowne and being doubted that some of them haue bin hotly shot at betwixt wind and water till the returne of the next Gazette there is little to be said to it and being newes of no importance it may passe for a Fable among the like fancies to fit the fancie of such a Foole. 8. From the Desert of Arabia it was reported that the people of that country liue strangely neither by trade nor trafficke fishing nor fowling nor yet by cheating nor cozening but by plaine theeuing so that betwixt them and the Turkes there is such hauocke with killing and spoiling that the poore Friers in diuers places among them or neare vnto them are in pitifull feare of their liues a great deale of land they haue but ill inhabited and Fruit trees but few and the Fruit very watrie and of little or no good nourishment They are commonly well horsed and weaponed for Bowes and arrowes darts and swords but Peeces few or none and therefore being no matter of importance the newes are not worth the noting more then that it is a wonder that they should haue a King among them that may be called the King of theeues For being all outlawes they must haue a strange kind of gouernment which it should seeme is but during pleasure Now to these and such other toyes hee had some odde discourses of
No man must build castles in the aire for feare they breake his necke in the falling 30. No man mustly open his wiues secrets lest she commit them rather to a wise friend then a foolish husband 31 No man must leaue an old friend for a new for feare he lose by the exchange of his credit 32 No wise man must marry a foole lest shee waste his goods and corrupt the perfection of his capacitie 33 Beggers must keepe from the Alehouse for feare they drinke out the reuenue of charitie 34. Rich men must not counterfet pouertie lest the thiefe discouer the truth of their dissembling 35. No man must be wise in his owne conceit lest he proue a foole ere he be aware 36. No man must talke to himselfe as he walkes lest he be thought to be mad or making verses 37. No Bankerout must purchase land lest hee be thought to cozen his Creditors with his breaking 38. No man must conuerse with a witch for feare he go to the diuell by Atturney 39. No man must put his land into mony lest the Bankerout runne away with his inheritance 40. No man must cary two faces in a hood for feare that the diuell be in one of them 41. No woman must crie when she weepes lest it be thought more for curst heart then any other cause 42. No man must haue two wiues lest one proue too much to be well managed 43. No meetings but for meriment 44. No bargaines but for a bag-pudding 45. Friends must not fall out 46. Neighbours must be friends 47. Patience was neuer angrie and quietnesse was a goodly hearing 48. Fathers darling and mothers nowne childe must be brethren and sisters children and cousin Varmins remoued must trust to the world as they finde it These were the chiefe Articles agreed vpon among his Ninnihammers which being published among poore fo●l●s were kept as well as they could hit on it Now to the purpose such a Commonwealth for a dog being gouerned by Apes and Asses the great Foole of all must needs be a strange beast and yet in the shape of a man he walkes strangely through the world and one thing among other he hit on strangely to saue charges in charitie hee tooke this order for beggers that rather then they should lacke lodging they should sit in the stockes and in stead of almes perswade them to fasting because abstinence is a fit preparation to prayer This little worshipful Iohn a Nods in stead of a mistakē gentleman hath bin in his youth brought vp in learning how to reade ilfauouredly and to write worse and yet with much adoe after his schoolemistris an old woman with spectacles had taught him his Primer and the Clerke of a country Church had taught him to write a Copie or two and put his name to a bill Lobligatorie he grew to such a delight in reading of Ballads and hearing of olde stories that he bought at the second hand out of the Librarie of little learning some few bookes of his mothers language which hauing kept long in an old chest did now serue him for his Librarie which bookes sometime asse he was able to finde idle time which at the best is little better he would now and then take out of his course cabbinet and reade by peece-meales as it came into his addle braine the names whereof as I found them set downe were these I meane chiefly those whom his little vnderstanding tooke most pleasure in Presidents of Imperfections Newes of no importance and Labour in vaine And first for Presidents of Imperfections He that would put out his eyes because he would see no vanities would be a blind man and so an imperfect man He that would cut out his tongue because he would tell no vntruthe should be a dumbe man and so an imperfect man He that would cut off his hands because he would take no bribes should be a lame man and so an imperfect man And as of men so of women A maide is no perfect woman because without the helpe of man she is onely called a Maide and not a woman A widow is an imperfect woman because with the losse of her man she loseth the title of a woman and is onely called a widow but not a woman A barren woman is no perfect woman for a woman was created to increase an multiply till therefore she haue brought forth children she is an imperfect woman except the fault be in the man and then he is an imperfect man to put such imperfection vpon a woman A whore is no perfect woman for euery woman is either a maide a wise or a widow and being neither of these she must needs be a monster and so an imperfect woman A painted woman is no perfect woman for all women by nature are either faire or foule but if an artificial faire be set vpon a foule complexion it makes but a speaking picture and a picture is no perfect woman These and such like were his Presidents of imperfections which for his poore instruction he would take some idle humors to bestow his blind sight vpon The next booke was intituled Newes of no importance which I found set downe as followeth First in the Gulfe of small grace neare to the coast of Comgligrande vpon the fourteenth day of the fifteenth moneth in the strange yeare of foule weather it is said that in the passage boate betweene Verola and Gon●ria two dangerous places for infection the boate entring into the Lake of Lasciuiousnes a very vnwholsome harbor with ouercharging the vessell perished a great number of poore people who bringing but common ware to the market and their greatest losses being Asses and galled Hackneys it seemed there was no great misse of them for I find nothing worthy nothing written of them and therefore being Newes of no importance they serued onely for a tale of a tub to exercise the braines of such a Hogshead Secondly from the land of Vnluckinesse in the citie of Sinfulnesse it was reported that Sir Henrie had land Sir Lawrence litle wit and Sir Ninny nothing worth three Knights of the Order of Saint-Asse men of infamous memorie after that they had runne through the courses of expences without euer hope of recouerie of either coine or credit going in the gulfe of Canavery to see a Beare hunt a wilde ducke fell by chance into a But of Malligo where they were drowned horse and foot what became of their Funerals or Epitophs vpon their deaths hauing no matter in their liues to be recorded I can say nothing but that the Newes being of no great importance it is no matter for their passage out of life but for feare of their passage to no better and so let them go and as many fooles as will follow them Thirdly in the Iland of Saint Elfe the great Ladie of little worth which was no lesse kinde to her neighbours then readie to entertaine strangers and for her recreation had set vp many May-poles in