at the Isle of Mutton I arrive 34. Of a Horse-shooe found A Tinker found a Horse-shooe on the way Quoth he 't is a sign of good luck to day He ties it on his one side very fast And from thence many paces had not past But one shot off a Peece the Bullet glanc'd And hit his Horse shooe right as then it chanc'd I see said he Arms may do good in case They 'r set but where they should in the right place 35. Of a Beardless old man One met a fellow in whose wither'd face Old age had furrow'd many a wrinkled year Yet made a Balk on 's chin which is the place That Nature doth adorn with bushy hair Small Beard replied I pray you hold your tongue My Beard will come out shortly ere 't be long 36. Of Conjugal Discord When Man and Wife between them disagree They fitly unto Snails compar'd may be One house at one time never holds two Snails Nor man and wife when each with either rails And when these Snail-like fet but out their horns They to their neighbours make themselves meer scorns 37. Of Wars In Musick strings of various tunes agree To make one sweet melodious harmony Yet men who play upon them with their hand One with another still a jarring stand Which most displeasing ev'ry way appears To God and Angels and all good mens ears For the Devils are the Instruments of jars And the base Viols of Gods wrath are wars 38. Of one that sent a half Cheese to his Son at Oxford I 've sent to you a Moon not a Sun round No circle such can in our Pole be found 'T is like it was from the Welch Poole 39. Of divers sorts of bad Cheese Cheese that 's snow-white or that hath Argos eyes Methusalem's years or Mary Magdalens cryes Or Esau's hairs or Lazarus scabs all o're That Cheese is nought I love it not therefore 40. Of Wine mixt with Water Thetis and Bacchus mixt here in a bowl The Goddess mild the mad God doth controul Where though the liquor look pure clean and fine The Watrish humour is above the Wine The which resembles right some female reaches Who as Viragoes love to wear the Breeches 41. Of a Watch. A Gentleman after his wife deceas'd To marry his Cook-maid his fancy pleas'd To whom he gave a Watch it chanced so That what a Clock wast by it she would know But how to handle it she skill did lack And thinking on the going of the Jack And dressing meat her former place quoth she T' a Servant here Winde up this Jack for me 42. Of Suspicion Conceit hath a main stroke in matters most Seem but to hurt though no hurt 's done thou' rt lost So the Crotonians did Philoleon flay Through false surmise he would the Tyrant play 43. Against Astrologers Whilst Astrologians whom the vulgar errour Counts Prophets put th' about thy birth in terror Whilst some Stars fawning others frowning are Thy wav'ring minde hangs still 'twixt hope fear If welfare come 't will come do what Stars will And an unlook'd for good best pleaseth still If ill shall hap unknown its best of all And in mean while make use of what doth fall But I do charge thee ev'n in Fate 's despite To pass the time with pastime and delight 44. Of Eschines the Poet who calculated his own Nativity Inevitabile Fatum The Poet Eschines would needs go try To calculate his own Nativity At length by search he found the day and hour When his Birth Planet had prevailing power And too soon to his sorrow did decry That he a strange disastrous death should dye And when the time of this his death drew near For to avoid all danger dread and fear He gets up before break of day to see If that his Fate prevented so might be And sitting bare in open field remote From House or Tree It chanc'd an Eagle got A Shell-fish which he found upon Sea-shore He mounts the skies and with it hovers o're Poor Eschines bald Pate which for a stone The Egle took the Shell-fish down is thrown Which from on high descended down amain Fell right on 's Pate and clove his scull in twain 45. Of Harm watch harm catch A silly Fly the subtil Spider caught In the irretiating Web he wrought The Spider eager on the Fly to prey Is caught and kill'd e're he could get away So a pit to dig for others some begin And after they themselves do fall therein Hamon a Gallows made for Mordecai Whereon himself was hang'd without delay Which to the Proverb fitly giveth place Harm watch harm catch which coms oft so to pass 46. Of a Picture well drawn I 've thought oft of thy peece since I last saw it That any one so to the life could draw it Who looks on it and then views thee aright If that he owe not to the Artist spite Will say no egg to egg can liker be Then that Effigies doth resemble thee 47. Another of the same So truly in this Frame is drawn thy face That it s no Frame now but a Looking-glass 48. Of a Picture ill drawn The Portraicture your Limbner lately drew Is liker unto any one then you 49. Of two remarkable Female Murtherers King Herod had his Table stained sore So had Flaminius his with humane gore Like Minions the like Murthers did procure The one a Dancer th' other was a Whore The diff'rence this the Whore the guilty kill'd The guiltless blood was by the Dancer spill'd 50. Of Herod and Herodias Herodias daughter before Herod dancing Where she should have displeas'd to please it chancing He drunk what with love of his Concubine And what with height of pride and heat of wine Ask Maid he said I 've sworn ask you of me If half my Kingdom I will give it thee The leud Girle by her lustful mother led Quoth she then give me here John Baptists Head The King is sad and to consent is loath But needs he must thereto ingag'd by Oath O murthring mother stepdame to thy daughter whom thou train'st up to dance men to slaughter O faithful King too faithful thou herein Hadst thou been perjur'd less had been thy sin 51. Against Wives Amongst all mortall Creatures Nature sent Most men cry out that nothing then these Wives Doth them more vex perplex and discontent And make them all more weary of their lives Thus each one sayes he but sayes for he matches And when he 's buried six the seventh he chatches It seems then they 'r bewitching needful evils At best fair Angels and worst foul Devils â—â— Another aganst against the same A Wife is in 〈…〉 ay useful be Would she dye quickly and leave all to thee 53. Of one that had a bad Wife past comparison Friend thou 'st a bad wife alwayes if thou beat her She 's worse but worst if you do well intreat her But she 'd be good would she dye better lickly Dyed she thou living
concludes with this Position All that man can in this wide World inherit Is vain and but vexation of the spirit 2. Of the World The World 's much like a fair deceitful Nut Whereto when once the knife of truth is put And it is open'd a right judicious eye Findes nothing in 't but meer vacuity 3. Of the same The World 's a Book all Creatures are the Story Wherein God reads dumb lectures of his glory 4. Another of the same Earth is the womb from whence all living came So is 't the tomb all go unto the same And as at first all naked thence were born So as naked thither all at last return Unless they carry thence a winding sheet To hide their weak frail nakedness most meet 5. Another of the same When Aloxander had subdued almost This spacious Globe and therein ev'ry Coast He ask'd his Tutour Aristotle whether There were more Worlds to conquer altogether Who answer'd there were many worlds beside Whereat ambitious Alexander cry'd Which shews this great world is far lesser than The small heart in the little world of man 6. Of man the little World The whole course of mans life compar'd may be Unto an Interlude or Comedy The World 's the Theater or Stage whereon Some part or other's acted by each one One acts a Prince which in great pomp doth shine Another personates a grave Divine This acts a curious Courtier neat and gay And that a Clown or Jeaster in the Play This an hard Lawyer pleading at the Bar That a rich Merchant that had travel'd far This a bold Souldier that his fortune tries A Doctor that which cures all maladies This a Shop-keeper selling sorts of wares And that a Plowman full of carks and cares This a rich Usurer which of gold hath store A Beggar that which goes from door to door In fine some act this part and others that And some present indeed they know not what To this a long to that a short part 's cast But short or long they all come off at last Nature hath a Catastrophe intended Death sayes th' Epilogue and th'Play is ended 7. Of youthful Love Love 's an entaged frenzie of the Brain Which makes one extream sick yet feels no pain H 'as all his parts yet puts them to no function He pines away and yet 's in no consumption He hath a heart yet 's heartless sees yet 's blinde Not mentis compos yet he hath a minde He labours not and yet no rest he takes He ofttimes waking sleeps and sleeping wakes He laughs and weeps sighs and sings presently He 's in good health yet ready for to dye He 's loose and yet in close captivity Wounded yet whole sick yet well bound yet free He 's an inanimate without a Soul In that another body hath it whole He 's like a moving meer Anatomy Or like a seeming living Mortuary He leads a living death and dying life 'Cause whom he loves he cannot have to wife Thus 'twixt despair and hope both night and day His careful careless time he drives away 8. Of Lust. A Leacher's of a Leeches nature right The which in sucking sets his sole delight It s very eager at a fluent vein Still sucks and vents and vents and sucks again And he like Hanibal can never rest Whether he lose the field or get the best 9. Of Ebriety Drunkards like one sick of the Dropsie lies The more he drinks the more for drink he cries And when h 'as more then well his hide can hold Yet still he thirsts for more and more fain would 10. Of Avarice A Miser's like the dog which with a bone Swum o're the water whilst the sun clear shone Greedy of more he at the shadow catches But brought nought home so do most miser wretches Such pinch and pine their belly and their back And though they have too much yet more they lack 11. Of Frugality A frugal thirsty man compare one may T' a fasting Eve before an Holy-day His fasting over night makes others fare The next day better for what he did spare 12. Of Prodigality A Prodigal is like a stormy showre Which if impetuously it down do pour 'T is soon gone so the faster he doth spend The sooner he brings all unto an end For it 's a Philosophick Axiom sure Nothing that 's violent can long endure 13. Of Gluttony A beastly Glutton's like a Cormorant Which when of Fish he lights of a great haunt It greedily ingurgitates such store That it is fain to cast some upon shore So when this all-devouring Glutton puts More offas in his full farc'd foul fat guts Then his o'reladen Panch can well contain He loathsomely ejects it out again 14. Of Hypocrisie A formal Hypocrite is ev'ry way Directly like an Actor in a Play Who what e're the spectators of him deemeth Is not the same which then in shew he seemeth 15. Of Astrology Plato did say that he did wonder much His censure of Astrologers was such That they on one another did not smile When e're they met they us'd such fraud guile And that Impostor with his subtile fictions And with 's Perhaps ambiguous war-predictions Lapt up his quaint mysterious Dilems slily But now his own side knows he did but lye lye 16. Of Theology or Divinity Theology's like Moses shining face So veil'd vile Atheists cannot view its blaze But to such as thereof make just account It 's like to Christ transfigur'd on the Mount 17. Of the Law Law 's a Meander Labyrinth or Maze Wherein though men do scrutinize each place Yet betwixt hope despair and fear and doubt A silver clue at laft must guide them out 18. Of Physick Physick's a ship pump to force water thence By leaks procur'd through Pilates negligence Want of which pumping and of cauking chinks If any be the ship and all soon sinks 19. Of Humane Knowledge All humane knowledge when it comes to trial Is like the Storks meat in a clofe mouth'd vial The Fox look'd lik'd lick'd long'd but not a pin The better he ne're toucht the meat within 20. Of Learning Learning 's a trimming for to set out brave The homely plain apparel Nature gave 21. Of High Birth High Birth is but a meer vain-glorious brag At first fetcht from some Misers muncorn bag 22. Of Beauty Beauty 's a flower in prime of morn affected And in declining noon a blast rejected 23. Of Honour Honour 's a shadow which the follower flyes And such as from it haste it after hyes 24. Of Pleasure Pleasure 's a short sweet dance of joy and gladness With sport begun soon done and ends in sadness 25. Of Pride Pride 's a meer meteor made of slightly matter A soapy bubble rais'd of winde and water The richest silks that pride can wear worms gave them The comeliest corps that pride can bear worms have them 26. Of Ambition The ambitious man a ladder first doth clime But heedless ne're looks back at any time
it to his sluggish brother Look here quoth she what good luck hath bested Thy brother whilst thou' rt lurking in thy bed He being by his mother thus upbray'd Laught thereat heartily and to her said Who ever lost it wishes out of doubt That he had kept his bed and not gone out 93. Of two Maid-servants falling out at a Couduit Two Servants at a Conduit fell out sore And call'd each other arrant quean and whore At last from words they fell to kicks and spurns To bite and scratch and all about their turns Robin the Devil for some so him call'd And Bate both neighbours whilst they fought and brawl'd Stood looking on and thought it pretty sport To see them fight in such unseemly sort One wisht that Bate would part them No quoth he Now let the Devil part them both for me 94. Of two Night-walkers Two Pot-companions walking late at night Th' one well to live but th' other foxt out-right It chanc'd that both turn'd to a Conduit side From whence the water dribbling still did glide Quoth he that first had done my loving friend Come let 's be gone I pray thee make an end He that was foxt of th'Pipes dropping nev'r wist Thinking whilst it so dropt he had still pist I when Gods Pleasure is to th' other said I have not ended yet and there still staid The sober said come now or I 'le begon I when Gods pleasure is I 'le come anon Why then farewell and there he left to stay I when Gods pleasure is till break of day 95 Of a large Promiser and slow Performer Some Mariners by Eolus wind 's commotion In danger great of Shipwrack on the Ocean Did invocate their most affected Saints And to them made their prayers and complaints Among the rest one on this said occasion Did make a solemn vow and protestation That he would offer to the Virgin Mary If she to Land him safe and sound would carry A fair Wax-Candle full as big and vast In length and thickness as the ship's main-mast One hearing him thus vow thereat did storm And swore 't was more then e're he could perform Peace fool quoth he if I come safe to ground I 'le make her glad of one of nine I' th' pound 96. Another of the same The mountains travell'd as they 'd burst in sunder At last comes forth a mouse was 't not a wonder So the Ocean main did travel long at last A silly shrimp upon the shore was cast 97. Of the uncertainty of Life If thou knew'st certain that thou shouldst not live To a weeks end thou wouldst weep wail grieve Yet being uncertain for to live a day Yea not an hour how canst thou sport and play 98. Another I not condole the dead but those who 're living To whom the fear of death gives cause of grieveing 99. Of two Beggars the one blinde the other lame The Fates to two poor wretches shew'd great spite This they depriv'd of feet and that of sight These both well matcht the blinde the lame sustains So both their grievance ease with mutual pains This where he would with th' others eyes goes to That what he would with th' others feet doth view 100. Of the same otherwise There 's nothing better then a faithful friend Who may thee comfort in thy losses lend The blinde and lame both Beggars do agree And enters in firm league of Amity To help each others frail infirmities The one with lame feet and th' other with blinde eyes The blind man bears the lame mans legs on 's back The lame mans eyes the blinde man doth not lack Weak force united helps much now and than These two imperfect make one perfect man True love in great Kings Courts but seldom stayes When in poor simple Cottages it swayes 101. Of a Blinde and Lame man that found an Oyster on the High-way A blinde man bearing a lame man abroad It chanc'd they found an Oyster on the road That one should have it neither would agree Nor yet to part it would well pleased be The blinde man said 't was found by help of 's feet Not so the lame alledg'd but by his sight So arguing a long time each with either At last they thus concluded both together That the next person which on that way came Should wholly arbitrate and end the same And as things oft-times strangely come to pass So th' next which that way came a Lawyer was They ope to him the Case and tells him He To end that strife the onely man must be He opes the Oyster eats it up and calls Them wrangling fools and them returns the shels Such subtil sleights by Lawyers oft are cast On Clients who have nought but shells at last You shall have Costs and Charges they 'l pretend When as you 'l finde but meer shells in the end 102. Of a Bedlam A Bedlam with a huge horn at his side Did beg drink for himself and Bess his bride Th' Hoast gave him drink askt how long he had A wife quoth Tom e're since I first was mad Th' Hoast ask'd him then how long the Horn he carried Quoth Tom I think e're since I first was married But did thy madness from those thoughts proceed Quoth Tom they did Sir Sir they did indeed And did but others know the Horns they had They would as I be Bedlam-like horn-mad 103. Of one who lay all night on the ground One who had lain all night on the hard ground Rising under his back a feather found He makes most sad complaints and heavy mones And cries out O my sides my back my bones I wonder how such can sleep quietly Who on whole beds of feathers use to lye For I who had but one under my back All night no ease nor any rest could take 104. Of the Fox and the Wolf A Fox got out before the break of day And questing up and down to finde his prey Lites on a deep Well in a Countrey Town Which had two buckets that went up and down The Fox expecting somewhat there to finde Leapt in the one which soon him down did winde But finding nought was there with grief confounded Being hungry cold and wet and well nigh drowned The Wolf more eager then the Fox of prey Hies hot-foot after him without delay And coming to the Well casts down his eyes Where the Fox fishing for some frogs he spies Reynold what dost thou there Quoth he offish I 've here great store as good as heart can wish Say'st so sweet Cuss but how shall I get thither Leap in that bucket and thou 'lt soon come hither Se leaps into 't the wheel turns round amain Which brings him down and Reynold up again As soon as he was there he did begin To tread for Eels but could not finde a fin Ah! I see Reynold I am now betray'd There 's no truth in the words that thou hast said And now I call to minde the horrid crimes And bloudy deeds
with his fawning Spaniel Quail The Dog nev'r ceaseth wagging of his tail Seeing he and 's Dog are so like each to either Put his Tongue and his Dogs Tail both together 118. Of a short Cloak One with an old acquaintance of his met who 'd on a Suit he of some friend did get Said he pray tell me how dost like my clothes Exceeding well quoth he as these times goes They 're handsom fit and all do well consort Excepting onely that thy Cloak 's too short Pish if that that be all that fault I 'le smoother For 't will be long enough e're I 've another 119. Of Bullion Pawn A Tenant ow'd his greedy Landlord Rent And wanting ready coin to give content Was glad to speak him fair and for to pray him To accept of Bullin pawn till he could pay him The peevish Landlord sleights his Tenants proffer And angerly to go away did offer What shall I do with Bull in pawn he said Thou knowest I keep no Kine I will be paid 120. Of a brown Bull. There was a rustick cunning Countrey Clown Turn'd a Bull black which was by nature brown Drove him unto a Fair there fully sold him And as the common custom is there toll'd him And that he might in nothing seem to lack Was entred plainly A Bull colour'd black The Buyer drove him home and sets to grass But a while after so it came to pass Whilst he lay out there fell a deal of rain Which brought the Bull to his own hue again At which the owner storm'd curst band swore Was nev'r so cheated in his life before Sends for the Seller who soon to him came The Buyer told him he was much to blame To serve him so and threatned hard to sue him Lest he 'd restore his moneys back unto him Do your worst said he for I care not a straw You nev'r shall get a pin of me by law The saying's Caveat Emptor which in deed Adviseth well the Buyer to take heed 121. Of a Thief condemned to dye There was a Thief condemned for to dye And when his Execution time drew nigh A many came to comfort this transgressor Amongst the rest a Monk was his Confessor Who wisht him not fear Death which ends all strife And is the passage to a better life H' absolv'd him of his sins all on condition He 's sorry for them with sincere Contrition And as his sins were surely so forgiven So he that night should sup with Christ in Heaven Though quoth the thief I 've fasted all day space Yet you shalt supt if 't please you in my place 122. Of another at point of death One on the ladder very nigh his death Within a minute like to lose his breath At 's turning off said now have at that Dazie Nay short a foot quoth th'hangman if it please ye 123. Of another ready to dye A Thief being led to th' Execution place Said unto those that thither ran apace What need ye make such haste thus all and some For there will be no sport until I come 124. Of a Welch man and an English man who were hanged together An English and a Welch man were to dye Who fell out in the prison constantly The English was condemn'd first you may gather In that he first ascended up the ladder He thereon leaning makes a long narration Of his ungodly life and conversation And now quoth he I 've nothing more to say But wish ye all good people for me pray Yet one thing troubles me what 's that one cries He pointing at the Welchman thus replies This to my troubled conscience is a clog To think that I must hang by that Welch Dog Welch dog quoth Daffe thou English Jobbernole Spite of her nose I 'le hang by'er theek by shole 125. Of a loving Wife A man and 's wife could never well agree The cause whereof arose from jealousie The man his whorish wife had ofttimes bang'd For which she often wisht to see him hang'd It so fell out that for some Robbery He was clapt up arraign'd and judg'd to dye She went with others to his Execution And one that knew her and her constitution Said to'r you go to take leave of your friend Indeed quoth she I go to the same end For I oft vow'd and now I 'le not deceive him That I would see him hang'd before I 'de leave him 126. Of a thirsty Thief A Thief main thirsty going tow'rds the Gallows Call'd for a Gun of Ale at a by-Alehouse One brings it him and fills him a full cup Which he receives and straightwayes drinks it up Then drinks again and offers for to pay Change Tapster quickly for I cannot stay The Tapster wishes him to drink again He sigh'd as if his heart would burst in twain Ah me the Proverb now I call to minde I shall be hang'd I 've left my drink behinde 127. Of a Welchman burn'd in the hand A Welchman in the hand burn'd grievous sore Did at his burning neither cry nor roar The Judge suspected 'cause he did not cry That he was us'd therein too fav'rably And charg'd the Jaylor burn him till he feels Or surely I will clap thee by the heels See here quoth Hugh why does her so command What wo'd her make glass-windows in her hand 128. Of a Cut-Purse A Cut-purse going from the Goal to dye A number that went with him then did cry That he with more of that accursed crew Deserv'd that death long since had they their due A Glover who had lately lost his Purse Did at him most extreamly ban and curse And cry'd thou Cut-purse Rogue I do abhor thee Hanging 's a death too good and easie for thee Why quoth the Cut-purse Glover what 's the matter That thou against me such vile words dost scatter If that thou envy mine unhappy case Come now with all my heart and take my place One of a Trade should not be an ill-wisher Nor should an Herring-man despise a Fisher. I did it but to keep my hand in ure Thou mak'st a common trade of 't I am sure For thou hast cut more Purses in one day Then I in all my life I 'le boldly say 129. Of a long strong Thief A Welch man hearing one in deep discourse How ev'ry Age grew daily worse and worse As that Men by the common course of Nature In Wit are weaker and are less in Stature And now meer Fools compar'd to ancient Sages Pigmies to Gyants of those former Ages Which shews that all things sublunary tend T' a final dissolution and an end Has her sed all quoth Shone pre hear her than Her knew a Comro her none Countrey-man That was kin to her for was her none Cosin Was able for her strength to beat a Dozen And for her length none with her durst compare From Tyburn to the Coast of Gibraltar For when was hang'd her foots did reach so low Her co'd ha toucht the ground with her great toe