spread with a Fishing-net instead of a Table cloth but assoon as he was advanced to that high Dignity which he courted he told his Officers who would have served him as before Let me be served with Linnen I have no more occasion for a Net now the Fish is caught 36 A Buffoon told one Day King Francis the First that he had a Book of Fools wherein he had writ the Name of the Emperour Charles the V. the King ask'd him the Reason because said he by passing through France he exposes himself to be stopt But what wilt thou say continued the King if not oâ—…ly I let him pass but likewise deliver up to him those Places I have promised him Do you know said the Buffoon What I will do I 'll blot Charles the V ' s. name out of my Book and writ yours instead of his 37 Alphonsus King of Aragon was so liberal that he some times gave away whole Cities and Dutchies and took away great part of the Taxes from his People which gave him the Sir-name of Bored-hand and as one told him that his Donatives were excessive he said The chief care of a King ought to be to enrich his Subjects and let these be never so rich the Prince is never the poorer 38 The same King used to say To live quiet in Marriage the Husband ought to be Deaf that he mayn't hear his Wifes Brawling and Impertinence and the Wife Blind that she may not see her Husbands Debauchery 39 King Alphonsus being Sick and having try'd several Remedies to no purpose He left them all and betook himself to the reading of Quintus Curtius's History He was so much delighted with it that by degrees his Disease abated and at last being fully recover'd he said Farewel Hypocrates farewel Avicenna and all Physick long live Quintus Curtius my true Physician 40 King Henry the IVth having a Book of some Regulations for the State shewn him by his Taylor and compos'd by him said to one of his Officers Let my Chancellour come to me this minute to make me a Sute of Cloaths since my Taylor will pretend to make Regulatians 41 Alphonsus King of Spain hearing that those of Sienna who during the War of Italy remain'd Neuter had been Plunder'd by the Soldiers of both Parties as soon as the War was ended said That they were like those who live in the middle Stories of a House that are incommoded by the Smoke of those beneath and by the Noise of those above them 42 A Lord who during the troubles of the League had a long time been a Trimmer came one Day to the Court of King Henry the IVth whom he found playing at Primero assoon as the King saw him he told him Come Sir you are welcome if we Win no doubt but you 'll be on our Side 43 A Man of War crying up before Sigismundus Military Employments and vilifying Magistracy Hold â—…our Tâ—…ngue said the Emperor to him and learn that if all Magistrates perform'd their Duty we should have no occasion for Military Officers 44 Adolphus Count of Nassau being newly rais'd to the Empire of Germany sent a very abusive Writing to Philip King of France with many ridiculous Threats The King who was Master of more Temper contented himself to give the Courrier a whole Sheet of Paper wherein he had writ in Capitals only these Words for an Answer TOO MUCH A GERMAN 45 Charles the Vth. said To make up a good Body ef Soldiers I would have the Italians to be the Head the Spaniards the Arms the Germans the Breast because of their Faithfullness and Strength and the other Nations the Belly and Feet 46 Certain Soldierâ—… who were near the Coach of Catherine of Medicis said a â—…housand abusive Things of her and as the Cardinal of Lorrain told her that he was going to see them hang'd No no answer'd she let them go I will this Day shew to After-ages that in the same Person a Woman a Queen and an Italian have known how to command their Passion 47 King John being taken in a Battle which he fought before Poitiers against the English was conducted to their Camp where the Prince of Wales waited upon him bare-headed at Supper The King desir'd him several times to sit by him but the Prince excus'd himself with these Words It does not become a Subject to sit by his Lord Afterwards the King told him I design'd to have treated you to Day at Supper but Fortune has been willing that you should treat me 48 A Painter having promised the finest of all his Pictures to one who had no skill in them this Man came and told him cunningly that his House was on Fire The Painter cry'd presently to his Prentice Be sure you save such a Picture By that means he found that this must be the best and he asked it of him assoon as his Trouble was over and that he was satisfied that it was but a false Alarm 49 Certain Peasants complaining to a Captain that his Soldiers had Robb'd them he asked them whether they had left them any thing they answered Yes Well said the Captain then they are none of my Soldiers for they would certainly have taken all away 50 King Alphonsius answered certain Persons who pressed him to give Battle when he must have run a great Danger 'T is the Duty of a General not only to Fight but also to Conquer 51 Dragut a Turkish Pirate caused Ibrahim to be put to Death just after he had delivered up to him the Town Aphrodisium which the Moors call Mahudia and because he had promised him his Life and great Rewards he said for his Justification That no body is obliged to keep his Word with one who had been Traytor to his own Country 52 Alphonsus King of Aragon drunk so little Wine that his Friends wondring at it he said Alexanders excessive Love of Wine was a great Blemish to his Glory for it obscures Reason and Vertue He said likewise Wine has two very ill Daughters Fury and brutish Love 53 King Lewis XI hearing that Nicolas Raulin Chancellour to the Duke of Burgundy had founded a rich Hospital at Beaune said It is but reason that the Chancellor of Burgundy who in his Life-time has made so many Beggars should in his latter Days build an Hospital for them 54 Charles Duke of Calabria having Condemned a Gentleman to pay a Hundred Florins of Gold to a Maid whom he had abused commanded him to follow the Maid who had the Money about her and make as if he would take it away from her The Maid knew well enough how to keep it and being come back complained of his Violence to the Duke who told him Had you been as careful of keeping your Honour as defending your Money you would not have lost that Go Sweetheart do so no more 55 An Astrologer advised a Prince to settle his Affairs because within three Days he was to die a violent Death the Prince ask'd
with Pyrrhus King of Epirus who made use of him in all his weighty Affairs and profest that he had won more Cities by the Charms of his Eloquence than he had taken himself by the strength of his own Arms. He perceiving the King earnestly bent upon his Expedition into Italy told him in private Sir the Romans have the Reputation of a Warlike People and command divers Nations that are so but suppose we overcome them What Fruit shall we reap by the Victory That 's a plain thing said Pâ—…rrhus for then added he No City will presume to oppose us and we shall speedily be Masters of all Italy And having made Italy our own return'd Cineas what shall we then do Sicily said he is near reaching out her Hand to us a rich and populous Island and easily to be taken It is probable said Cineas but having subdueâ—… Sicily will that put an end to the War If God said Pyrrhus gives us this success these will be but the Flourish to greater Matters for who can refrain from Africa and Carthage which will be soon at our beck And these overcome you will easily grant that none of those that now provoke us will dare to resist us That 's true said Cineas for 't is easiy to believe that with such Forces we may recover Macedon and give Law to all Greece But being thus become Lords of all what then Then dear Cineas said Pyrrhuâ—… sâ—…iling we will live at our ease and enjoy our selves When Cineas had brought him thus far and what hinders replied he but that we may now do all this seeing it is in our Power without the expence of so much sweat and Blood 29 Chilo said one ought to be young in his old Age and old in his youth that is an old Man ought to be Chearful and Good-humour'd and a young Man Wise. 30 Artaxerxes being routed in a Battle and put to flight after his Baggage and Provisions had been plundered he found himself so prest with Hunger that he was reduced to eat a piece of Barly Bread and some dry Figs. He relished them so well that he cried out O Gods how many Pleasures has Plenty deprived me of till this instant 31 Those of Cyrene desired Plato to make Laws for them I cannot said he dictate Laws to those whom Plenty and Prosperity has made incapable to obey 32 Archidamus besieging Corinth saw a great many Hares starting from under its Walls Then turning presently to his Soldiers These my Friends said he are the Enemies we are to fight withal we ought to be more afraid of their Heels than of their Hands 33 Julius Cesar landing on the Shore of Africa happened to get a fall as he went out of the Ship This fall which seemed to be an ill Omen for his Design upon that Country was by his ready Wit turned into a lucky Presage for as he fell he embraced the Earth and cried Now I hold thee Africa 34 Timotheus being accounted lucky in his Undertakings was by some envious Persons drawn with a Net in his Hand into which Cities fell of their own accord while he was asleep Timothâ—…us without expressing the least discontent upon it said to those who shewed him that Picture If I take such fine Cities while I am asleep what shall I do when I am awake 35 Sylla who robbed the Temples to pay his Soldiers was told that as they were going to plunder that of Apollo at Delphos a noise of some Instruments was heard there so much the better answered he for since Apollo plays on his Lyre 't is a fign he is pleased and is not angry with us 36 Alexander's Generals complained to him just before the Battle of Arbella that his Soldiers had been so insolent as to demand a Promise that the whole Booty should be theirs Come on said he that 's a sign of Victory those that speak with so much assurance do not design to run away 37 Diogenes came to Cheronea when Philip his Army was there he was taken by the Soldiers and carried before the King who not knowing him told him that without doubt he was a Spy and came to observe him Thou sayest right answered Diogenes for I came hither to observe thy Folly in that not being contented with the Kingdom of Macedon thou sâ—…kest at the hazard of thy Dominions to Usurpe the Province of thy Neighbours The King admiring the boldness of this Man commanded him to be set at Liberty 38 Julius Cesar going through a little Village some of his Friends took notice of the Tranquility of the Inhabitants and asked him whether he thought there was any great canvassing and interest made for the Magistracy I had rather answered Cesar be the first Man in this Village than the second at Româ—… 39 Darius's Mother then Prisoner of Alexander excusing her self to him â—…or that in one visit wherewith he honoured her she by a mistake had paid to Ephestion who accompained him the Respect due to the King said Alexander comforting her be not concerned at it Madam you were not mistaken for he whom you saluted is another Alexander 40 Chilo one of the seven wise Men of Grece to give us to understand that one ought to be moderate and cautious in ones Affections said We must love a Friend â—…o as we may one Day hate him and we must hate no Body but with a regard that we may afterwards unite Friendship with him 41 One comforting King Philip upon the Death of Hipparchus told him that his Friend being stricken in Years Death was not come upon him before his time True said Philip Death is come in time for him but since I had not yet honoured him with Benefits worthy of our Friendship his Death as to me is untimely 42 A Criminal sentenced to Death was bailed out of Prison by one of his Friends who remained Prisoner till the other had settled some Business which aâ—…soon as he had done he surrendred himself again Dionysius the Tyrant surprized at the Assurance of the one and the Faithfulness of the other pardoned the Malefactor And in requital of my Pardon said he I beseech you to admit me as a third into your Friendship 43 Memnon King Darius's General in his War against Alexander hearing one of his Soldiers beâ—…ch out many injurious Words against that great Enemy he gave him a great blow with a Halbert and told him I pay thee to fight against Alexander and not to abuse him 44 The Physician of Pyrrhus having offered to Fabricius the Roman General to Poison his Master Fabricius sent back that Traitor's Letter to Pyrrhus with these Words Prince know better for the future how to choose both your Friends and Foes To requite this Benefit Pyrrhus sent back all the Prisoners But Fabricius received them only upon Condition that he would accept of as many of his and writ to him Do not believe Pyrrhus I have discovered this Treachery to you out of a particular regard
pronounced the four and twenty Letters of the Alphabet 90 Augustus having madâ—… a Law for the Trial and Punishment of those that were accuâ—…ed of Adultery did no sooner hear that a young Man had committed the same Crime with Julia Daughter to that Emperour but he rush'd upon him and beat him with great fury whereupon the young Man cry'd out Cesar you have made a Law At which Words Augustus acknowledging his Passion he contained himself and was so vex'd at it that he would not eat a bit all that Day 91 Diogenes said that to become perfect a Man had need of faithful Friends or great Enemies because the one by their good Advice and the other by their sharp Reproaches made him sensible of his defects 92 Alexander the Great coming into Apelles's Shop and speaking improperly of some Pictures that were there exposed to view Apelles told him frankly Sir as long as you did not talk about our Art every one here had an admiration and Respect for your Majesty but as soon as you have pretended to judge of our Works my very Prentices who grind my Colours could not forbear laughing 93 The same Prince being Wounded in a Fight with an Arrow said to those who were about him Every one calls me â—…mmortal and Son of Jupiter What do you think on 't does not this wound give the lie to all those Flatterers This Blood that runs is of the same colour with that of my Subjects and puts me in mind that I am but a Man 94 The Emperour Augustus feeling approaching Death told those Friends who were about his Bed Well my Friends what think you have I not during my Life pretty well acted my Part upon the Stage of the World And as every one confest that no Man's life could ever be more Illustrious and better govern'd than his he added these Words which were usually spoke to the People after the Play Farewel then my Friends and clap Hands 95 Somebody came to Socrates the Philosopher to tell him the Athenians had sentenced him to Death Nature said he has long since condemn'd them to suffer the same punishment as well as I. 96 When King Philip came with his Army into the Peloponesus one told Damidas that in case the Lacedemonians did not make their Peace with him they must suffer a great deal You Coward answered he What can those Men suffer who are not afraid of Death 97 One told Anacharsis that the Ship he was in was but four Inches thick Then said he we are within four Inches of Death 98 Stratonicus being asked what sort of Ships were safest answered The safest are those that are taken out of the Seâ—… and laid up on firm Land 99 The Emperour Tiberius seldom changed the Officers Governours and Magistrates of his Empirâ—… and being asked the reason he answered When Flies are full they don't sting so much as they did before 100 A Painter shewing an ill Picture bragg'd that he had finish'd it in a very little Time you need not tell us of it said Apelles your Picture speaks it planly enough 101 Melanthus hearing the Philosopher Gorgias exhort in Publick the Grecians to Concord This is a fine Man indeed said he thus to endeavour to perswade all these Grecians to that Peace and Unity which he cannot settle at home â—…etwixt himself his Wife and his Maid 102 Demetrius Phalereus used to exhort Ptoloâ—…eus to gather Books about Civil and Military Politicks Because said he Kings will find in such Books those Things that their Friends dare not to tell them To which purpose Alphonsus King of Aragon said Books are the Counsellors I like best 't is not either Fear or Hope that will hinder them to tell me what I ought to do 103 Dionysius the Tyrant had made great Promises to an excellent Musician who sung before him and as the Musician found that they came to nothing he complain'd to the Tyrant who answer'd him Friend What reason hast thou to complain I paid thee the same way as thou servedst me Thou hast tickled my Ear with pleasing Muâ—…ick and I have entertain'd thee with the Pleasure of fair Hâ—…pes and so we are quits 104 One of the Ancients said That the Great ones us'd all their endeavours to lose the use of their Hands and Feet because they get others to dress and carry them 105 Diogenes wrote upon the Foot of a golden Sâ—…atue which the Curtezan Phrine had erected to Venus in the Temple of Delphos these Words The Incontinency of the Grecians has rais'd this Statue 106 Adrian the Emperour ask'd Epictetus why Venus was represented Naked Because answered he She strips those Men of every thing who court her Pleasures too much 107 Vespasian finding himself dying to ridicule the silly Custom of the Heathens in those Times who rank'd the Emperours among the Gods after they were dead said I feel I become a God 108 Portia the Wife of Brutus gave her self a great wound with a Knife the Night before Cesar was to be murder'd by her Husband and said to those who ask'd her how that Misfortune was befallen her I did it on purpose to try with what Resolution I shall suffer that Death I prepare to my self if the design of the Conspirators miscarries 109 Epictetus a Slave of Epapâ—…rodites one of Nero's Officers having one Day received from him a great blow on on his Leg told him coldly Pray have a 〈◊〉 you don't break my Leg. But that cruel Man redoâ—…b 〈◊〉 bâ—…ow with such force that he broke his Shin-bonâ—… â—…ell said then Epictetus smiling did not I tell you you weâ—… like to break my Leg 110 Antipater having defeated King Agis demanded fifty Lacedemonian Boys as Hostageâ—… to secure his Conquest Eâ—…eocles who then was Ephorus answered That he would give him no Boys lest being no more under the Spartan Discipline they should contract vicious Inclinations but that they were ready to give him double that number of old Men and Women 111 An Jonian Woman made a shew of a piece of Work very rich and well wrought but a Lacedemonian shewing four Children whom she had well brought up These said she are the Works that a Virtuous Lady ought to value her self upon 112 The Emperour Theodosius committing his Sons to be instructed by the learned Arsenius told them Children if you take care to ennoble your Souls with Virtue and Knowledge I will leave you my Crown with Pleasure but if you neglect that I had rather see you loose the Empire than hazaâ—…d it into the Hands of those that are unfit to govern it 'T is better you should suffer the loss of it than occasion its ruin 113 Philip was told that his Son Alexander complained of his getâ—…ing many other Children by different Women whereupon he spoke thus to him Since thou seest Alexander that thou hast several Competitors in the Empire endeavour to become so good and so brave that thou may'st obtain the Kingdom rather by thy Merit
Cicero said That as the Swallows appear in Summer and disappear in Winter so false Friends crowd about a Man in his good Fortune but go from him in his Adversity 179 One asked Aristotle what Liars got by telling lies He answered That the only thing they got by it was not to be believed even when they spoke Truth 180 The Tyrant Hiero having asked Simonides what God was the Philosopher desir'd a Days Consideration for his Answer then two and then four and so put it off from Day to Day At last Hiero ask'd him why he did not answer his Question but always defer'd it to another time because said Simonides the more I think the more I 'm at a loss to find out this dark and obscure Thing 181 Socrates advised young Men to look themselves in a Glass that if they were fine and handsom they might take care not to do any thing unworthy of their Beauty and if on the contrary they were ugly and deformed they should endeavour to drown the defects of the Body by the Virtues of the Mind 182 A Man who was neâ—… married would persuade Epictetus the Philosophâ—… to take a Wife shewing him by many Arguments that Marriage was a State both becoming and necessary for a Philosopher If it be so give me then one of your Daughters answered Epictetus 183 Servius Geminus going one Day to see Lucius Mallius a very skillful Painter and seeing his Children who were extreme ugly he could not forbear telling him that he wondred he did make so fine Pictures and get such ugly Children To which Mallius pleasantly reply'd don't be surpriz'd at it for I draw the Pictures in the Day and get the Children in the Night 184 King Antigonus retiring from the Presence of the Enemy who then were more powerful than he some took his Retreat for a Flight but he told them he did not fly but rather followed his Profit and Advantage 185 The same Prince being ask'd how one might overcome his Enemies answered by Strength and Policy And that if the Lions Skin would not do it must be ek'd out by the Fox's Case 186 A young Man who was a very great Talker making a Bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him Isocrates ask'd double the Price his other Scholars gave him and the reason said he is that I must teach you two Sciences the one to hold your Tongue and the other to speak 187 The Philosopher Anacreon having received a Present of ten thousand Crowns of Policrates King of Samos was taken with so great a fear of being robbed that he could not sleep for three Nights and Days which made him carry back the Present to that Prince telling him that he prefer'd his Repose before the Disquiets which attend Riches 188 One asked Chrisippus why he would not apply himself to the Government of the Common-wealth Because answered he if I do ill I shall displease God and if I do well I shall displease Men. But Sidonius his Disciple turned cunningly that Argument upon him and told him You cught on the contrary by all manner of Reasons to take upon you the Administration of Affairs for if you do well you will please God and if ill you will please Men. 189 Solon being in Company and holding his Peace according to his Custom there was a young Giddy-brain'd Fellow who told him he was silent because he was a Fool Solon without any concern answered him wisely That there never was a Fool that could hold his Tongue 190 Cambyses a very severe and rigorous King caus'd a Judge tho' his Friend to be flead alive because he took Bribes and did not administer Justice according to Law and Equity And having afterwards order'd the Judgment-Seat to be cover'd with his Skin he placed his Son upon it to succeed his Father in his Employment 191 Irene repairs with great cost and charge to Epidaurus visiâ—…s Aesculapius in his Temple and consults with him about all her Ailments First of all she complains That she is weary and spent with Fatigue And the God declares This is befallen her by the length of her Journey She says She has no Stomâ—…ch at Night the Oracle prescribes her To eat but little at Dinner She asks him What makes her so heavy and what Remedy for it The Oracle answers She must rise early in the Morning and use Exercise She tells him That Wine is hurtful to her so the Oracle bids her To drink Water That she cannot digest what she eats and he adds she must keep a strict Diet. My Sight decays says Irene use then Spectacles says Aesculapius I grow weak says she farther neither am I so healthful as I have been the reason of it says the God is because you grow old But which way shall I recover my self The best way Irene is to dye as did your Mother and Grandmother Is this answered Irene all that Wisdom which Mankind proclaims and which makes you to be reverenced by all the World What a rare Mystery you learn me Did I not know before all those Remedies you prescribe Why then did not you use them answers the God Without coming so far to me and shortning your Days by so long a Journey The Ephesian Matron 192 THere was at Ephesus a Lady in so great repute for Chastity that the Women of the neighbouring Parts flock'd thither out of curiosity to see her This discreet Lady upon the Death of her Husband was not contented to assist at the Funeral according to Custom with dishevelled Hair and beating her Breast before the Assistants but she must needs follow the deceas'd to the very Monument and having laid him in a Sepulcher according to the Grecian Manner watch'd the Corps and wept over it Night and Day she was in such Desolation and so fully resolved to starve her self that neither Relations nor Friends could persuade her from it The Magistrates themselves us'd also their endeavours to no purpose and so gave her over And now so illustrious a Woman lamented by all as one that 's dead and gone had been five Days without tasting any Food A faithful and affectionate Maid waited still upon this wretched Creature mingling her Tears with hers and repairing the light of a Lamp as often as it happen'd to go out She was therefore the only Discourse of the City and every Body confest that this was the greatest instance of Love and Chastity that ever they heard of It happened at that very time that the Governour of the Province caus'd certain Thieves to be crucified near that Vault where the virtuous Lady kept such desperate Mourning over the Corps of her dear Husband The Night following a Soldier who was set to guard the Crosses for fear the Bodies should be stollen away having seen a light in the Tomb â—…nd hearing the Sighs and Complaints of one in Sorrow out of a curiosity incident to all Men grew desirous to know what this might be and what passed there thereupon he
descends into the Monument and beholding a very beautiful Woman he stood both amaz'd and frighted as if it had been a Phantom But then viewing a dead Body stretched before her and observing her Face bathed with Tears and injured by her Nails with all the other marks of solemn Woe he judged of the Matter as it was that an afflicted and disconsolate Woman that was not able to bear her loss had abandoned her self to Grief and Despair A moment after he brought his small Supper to the Tomb and begins to exhort her not to persevere any longer in fruitless Groans and an unprofitable Sorrow adding withal that all Men have one common Exit that we must all come at last to that long Home and such other Reasons with which we generally use to cure the most distempered Minds But she still more exasperated by so unexpected a Consolation redoubles her Grief teaâ—…s her Breast with more violence and pulls off her Hair which she throws on that woeful Corps The Soldier is not in the least discouraged by all this but 〈◊〉 still the same Exhortations and endeavours to perswade her to take some Meat till the Waiting-woman wrought upon as 't is probable as much by the smell of the Wine as by his Discourse reach'd her Hand to him who so obligingly invited them and having recovered some strength with Meat and Drink began her self to attempt upon her Mistresses obstinacy And what will your Ladiship get said she by starving your self to Death burying your self alive and giving up to Destiny that Breath which she does not demand from you Think you the Ghosts or Ashes of the Dead Regard what Tears their Supervivers shed What! Do you expect to restore a dead Body to life again contrary to the Decrees of Nature Believe me give over a weakness which Women alone are capable of and enjoy the sweets of Life as long as you can This Corps that lies here before you shews you too too well how precious Life is and bids you to be more tender of it Every Body is willing to lend an Ear to one that presses him to eat upon such occasions and so this Woman faint and weak by so long an Abstinence suffer'd her obstinacy to be prevail'd upon and filled her self with Meat with as greedy an Appetite as the Waiting-woman who had yielded before Now you know that Temptations come generally upon a full Stomach and those Arms which the Soldier had employ'd to combate her Despair the same he us'd to attack her Chastity And the young Widow seeing he was neither disagreeable nor without Wit the Waiting-woman still playing her Part to further his design and then repeating to her Mistress ever and anon What will you still a pleasing Love withstand What makes me keep you any longer in suspence The good Lady us'd the same Abstinence as to the other Part of her Body and the Soldier fully satisfied remained conquerour of both Thus they continued together not only the first Night but also the next Day and the Day after that the entrance of the Tomb being all this while so well closed that had any body come to it they must needs have supposed that the most honest Woman in the World had expired over her dear Husband The Soldier charm'd with the Beauty of his Lady and the secresy of his amourous Intreague bought Provisions as far his small stock would let him and brought them to the Tomb assoon as Night begun to approach In the mean time the Relations of one of those that hang'd on the Gibbets perceiving that there was no Guard to look after them took down the Corps one Night and buried it As for the poor Soldier detain'd from his Duty by the Allurements of his Pleasure seeing the next day one of those Crosseswith out its Carcase he went to his Mistress full of apprehension of Punishment and told her what had happened That for his part he would not wait his Condemnation but was resolv'd to do himself Justice and punish immediately his neglect with his own Hand That the only favour he begg'd of her was to take care of his Burial and bestow it upon him in the same Sepulcher equally fatal to her Husband and her Lover The good Dame no less charitable than discreet Oh! may the Gods forbid said she that I should live to see at once the Funeral of two Persons so very dear to me I have rather hang the Dead than be the ruin of the Living Then according to this fine Speech she takes the Corps out of the Coffin and having disfigur'd its Face gives it him in order to fix it to the empty Cross. The Soldier was so wise as to improve the ingenious Advice of so prudent a Woman And the next Day all the People admired which way the dead Thief was got again upon his Cross A Story taken out of Apuleius ' s Golden Ass. 193 A Labouring Man that workt hard for his Livelyhood at the Forges had a very handsom Wife tho' none of the most virtuous This Poor wretch going out one Morning as he us'd to do gave opportunity to an extravagant young Blade to slip into his House where being in close conflict with his Wife the Husband unexpectedly return'd but finding the door fast little suspected what had been done in his absence he therefore within himself began to extol his Wives Chastity and by a Whistle gave her notice of his coming She in Cases of this Natuâ—…e being not a little Politick soon disengaged her self from her Sparks embraces and with a great deal of unconcern hid him in an old empty Tub that stood in the corner of the Room which done opening the Door in a fury she accosted her Cuckold after this manner Is it thus thou senseless Drone that thou providest for the wants of thy Family thus sauntering with Arms across whilst I must labour both Day and Night to supply the wants occasion'd by the Idleness Oh! how much happier is my Neighbour Daphne who has nothing else to do but be merry with her Lovers To which the frighted Husband reply'd What great harm is there poor Chicken tho' our Master has no work for me to Day by reason of attending his Law-business yet I have provided for thy Dinner Do'st thou see that old Tub there that serves for nothing but to encumber our Room why I have sold it Honey for Fifteen-pence and the Man that bought it will be here presently to fetch it away Come lay aside thy Work and help me to cleanse it for I would not by any means but deliver it sweet and wholsom into his Hands Hereat the Wife began to laugh heartily and being furnish'd with a Stratagem from the occasion cry'd out bless me what a rare Stock-jobber have I got to my Husband that could find in his Heart to let that go for 15 Pence which I tho' a Woman that never stirs abroad have made shift to get half a Crown for The Husband
him whether he had foreseen what kind of Death he himself should die and he assuring him that he was to die of a Feaver he told him that to let him see the vanity of his Sciaence he should be hang'd that very Hour Now as the Astrologer was seized to be led to the Place of Execution he said to the Prince Pray see my Lord whether my Prediction be not true Feel my Pulse and you 'll be sensible that I have got a Feaver Which subtle Answer saved his Life 56 The Duke of Guise aster a Battle fought betwixt Francis Ist. and Charles Vth. reproached one Villandri that tho' he was in compleat Armour yet he had not been seen in the Fight I 'll make it out answer'd boldly Villandri that I was there and in that very Place where you durst not be seen The Duke nettled by this Reproach threatned to punish him severely for it but he appeas'd him with these Words I was my Lord with the Baggage where your Courage would not have suffered you to sculk 57 Lewis XII King of France said Most Gentlemen have the same Fate with Acteon and Diomedes they are devoured by their Dogs and Horses intimating that Hunting and the being curious of fine Horses ruined abundance of People of Quality 58 One that walked before King Alphonsus having given a thrust to a Branch of a Tree it flew back and struck the Kings Eye black and blue and made it swell As every one exprest how much they were sensible of his Pain I have no Pain said he that more sensibly affects me than the Sorrow and Fear of him that hurt me 59 A Man who had married an ugly Woman upon account of her great Fortune having one Day surpâ—…iz'd her with a Spark he told her Since thou hast one that Kisses thee for nothing What needest thou get a Husband at the Expence of thy Fortune 60 A Plough-man seeing the Archbishop of Cologn go by attended with a great many Soldiers could not forbear laughing The Archbishop prest him to tell him the reason 'T is because I wonder said the Plough-man to see an Arch-bishop arm'd and follow'd not by Church-men but Soldiers like a General of an Army Friend answer'd the Archqishop know that I am a Duke as well as an Archbishop In my Church I perform the Office of an Archbishop with my Clergy but in the Field I march like a Duke accompanied with my Soldiers I understand you my Lord reply'd the Peasant But pray tell me when my Lord Duke goes to the Devil what will then become of my Lord Archbishop 61 The Duke of Milan being Besieg'd and hard put to iâ—… in a Castle by the Florentines could find no manner of Meat that pleas'd his Palate when he was at Table and as he often quarrell'd with his Cook about it this cunning Servant after many other Excuses told him at last My Lord will you give me leave to be plain with you The Meat is good and well drest but Faith the Florentines have taken away your Stomach 62 The Life of Pope Bonifacius VIIIth was so irregular that it was said of him That he came to the Soveraign Pontificate like a Fox liv'd like a Lion and died like a Dog 64 King Henry the IVth being importun'd by a man of Quality who begg'd a Pardon for a Nephew of his guilty of Murder answer'd him I am sorry I cannot grant your Request it becomes you to act the Part of an Uncle and me that of a King I excuse your Demand excuse my Denial 63 An Impertinent Poet having begun to read to one a Poem of his own making asked him Which of those Verses were the best Those answered he thou hast not yet read for they have not made my Head ake 65 A man of Note coming from a great Dinner and his Head full of the sweet vapours of Wine signed an Order that was brought to him which had starved a whole Province had not the thing been prevented He is to be excus'd said a Jester upon it for how can a man imagine in the first hour of Digestion that People can starve any where 66 When the Doge of Genoa was at Versailles where he was come to make Submissions to the King in the name of his Common-wealth and was viewing all the Beauties of the Place a Courtier ask'd him what he found there most extraordinary To see my self here answer'd he 67 Odo Bishop of Bayeux in Normandy and Brother to William the Conqueror by his Mothers side was created Earl of Kent by the Conqueror Some time after the Bishop hapned to fall into Disgrace so that he was cast into Prison The Clergy in those times were free from the Secular Power and the Pope espousing the Bishop's Quarrel writ a sharp Letter to the King about it The King gave no other answer but That he had imprisoned the Earl of Kent and not the Bishop of Bayeux 68 A Venetian Ambassador at Rome went through Florence and waited on the late Duke of Tuscany This Prince complained to the Ambassador that the Republick had sent him a Venetian whose Conduct during the time of his Residence at his Court he was not satisfied with Your Highness said the Ambassadour ought not to wonder at it for I can assure you that we have abundance of Fools at Venice So have we at Florence answer'd the great Duke but we don't send them abroad to treat of publick Affairs 69 A Prince jeer'd one of his Courtiers who had serv'd him in several Embassies and told him he look'd like an Ox I know not who I am like answer'd the Courtier but this I know that I have had the honour to represent you upon several Occasions 70 A Courtier taking his leave of the King who sent him upon an Embassy to another Prince The chief Instruction I have to give you said the King to him is that your Conduct be entirely opposite to that of your Predecessor Sir reply'd the Ambassador I will so behave my self that your Majesty will have no occasion to give the like Instruction to him who shall succeed me 71 A Domestick of King Henry the Great and a Confident of his Amours obtain'd a Grant of him and went to the Chancellour to make it pass the Seals The Chancellour finding some difficulty in it the Courtier press'd him and offer'd to prove that there could be no difficulty in the Case Every one said the Chancellour must meddle with his own Trade My Trade reply'd the Courtier who thought himself reflected upon about the confidence of his Masters Amours is so good an Employment that were the King but twenty Years younger I would not change it for Four such as yours 72 A Man whose Head was full of a Stage-Play of his own making was explaining the Plot and Design of it to a Courtier The Scene said he to him is in Cappadocia and to judge rightly of the Play a man must transport himself into the Country