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A14984 VVestward for smelts. Or, the vvater-mans fare of mad-merry vvestern wenches whose tongues albeit like bell-clappers, they neuer leaue ringing, yet their tales are svveet, and will much content you. VVriten by Kinde Kit of Kingstone. Kinde Kit, of Kingstone. 1620 (1620) STC 25292; ESTC S101857 31,657 44

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liued with his Wife againe he must be a contented Cuckold said Will you heare this Take your Daughter with you and I will presently giue her that portion I receiued and take all this wrong This pleased them all so the Priest drew a Bill of diuorce betweene them and the old man deliuered backe her portion beeing glad that he was rid of his Wife His wife on the other side was glad that she had escaped that punishment which shee deserued so they all part●● seeming friends I ●●rry quoth the Fishwife of Brainford this was a wench worth talking of she deserueth as much praise as those women called Amazones who out of a braue minde cut their husbands thr●ates and so made themselues rulers of themselues But what praise quoth the wife of Stand on the Greene had shee deserued if she had been discouered or failed in this attempt Nothing but curses in my minde for she had giuen cause to all men to speake ill of vs women it is not the euent but the honesty of the intent that iustifies the action I thinke so too said a Fishwife of Twitnam I doe not like this foolish hardinesse and men are apt to speake ill of vs without cause therefore to make amends I will tell of a vertuous and chaste Dame one whose life may bee a mirrour for all women The description of the Fishwife of Twitnam Not old not young Not sharpe of tongue Was this same Wife She lou'd no strife Nor much would prate But lou'd her mate Yet lou'd she lap If 't were her hap To meete with those She knew from foes She 'd spend her quart With all her heart Well lou'd she Masse Her time she 'd passe In working good If neighbours stood In neede of ought She sold or bought They should it haue If they did craue This Wife mannerly Spake thus soberly Her Tale. SOmetime in Brittaine there raigned a mighty Prince called Oswald who for his iust gouernment and holy life had the name of Saint giuen him This Oswald tooke to his wife a vertuous Maiden named Beblam daughter to Kynygils King of West-Saxons by whom he had one sonne after whose birth they willingly agréed that they might the better serue their Sauiour not to touch one the other after any carnall manner Thus liued this vertuous couple vntill their deaths onely estéeming the seruice of God and the auoiding of worldly tentations for their chiefe pleasure A Hermet being enuious at the report of his holy life one day went to him asking the King how hee could liue so holy and yet liue with a Wife To whom the King answered Marriage is no hinderance to holy life for therein doe we but follow the institution of God which hee ordained for the increase of the world but further to satisfie thée that it is no hinderance to my holy life take thou this King and goe to her bidding her vse thée as she would vse my selfe The Hermet glad of this hoping to haue kinde entertainment at his Quéenes hands went merily to her deliuering her the King and told her that it was her Husbands will that she should vse him in all respects as shee would vse himselfe if hee were there To this the Quéene was willing and bid him welcome telling him he should be serued in all points as the King her Royall husband was When the time of supper was come and the Hermet expected some delicate cheere he onely was fed with bread which was serued vp in a stately manner by diuers Gentlemen that did attend him likewise when he called for drink they gaue him wholesome water to coole his hote desires no other cates got hee yet was it no worse then the Queene her selfe ate of This stately seruice and homely fare scarce pleased the Hermet yet still he hoped for better but his hopes were vaine for the cloth was taken vp and one asked him if hee pleased to goe to bed To this hee was willing hoping now to sleepe out the remembrance of his hard fare but being come to his Chamber a sodaine ioy extinguished the griefe he would haue slept out for he saw no worser woman then the Queene should be his bedfellow So quickly vndressing himselfe he went in bed to her not forget-getting in his thoughts to praise her for obeying her Husbands will where hauing lyne a while thinking of some strange things lust and the euill disposition of his minde beganne to infect his soule so that with as kinde imbrace hee besought the Queene to shew some mercy towards his hot affection This vertuous Queene seeing this Hermet basely lasciuious rung a Bell then presently came in foure women who took this Hermet and cast him in a Cisterne full of water that stood in the Chamber he being well cooled they tooke him forth placing him in the bed as they found him There hee lay shiuering with cold a good space but at length his bloud being heated hee fell to thinking with himselfe how perchance the Queene shewed her selfe thus chaste to take suspition from her women and that she might all the night after play the wanton securely His burning Lust seconding this Opinion made him once more ●enter a ducking so turning himselfe to the Queene he began with this speech Most rare beauteous admirable and vnparalelled woman I will not onely commend thée for thy beauty and greatnesse of Birth and place but also I will adore thee with more then humane worship for the extraordinarie vnderstanding which thou hast aboue others of thy sexe With what a graue and sober carriage doest thou hide thy hote affections which inwardly doe burne thee Oh it is strange therewith not onely blinding the eyes of strangers but also thy neerest attendants now I conceiue why thou commandest mee to bee hurled in the water Cisterne it was thy policy thou wonder of thy sexe to auoid suspition in thy seruants I knew this well and therfore did willingly endure the same that I might the more freely enioy thy beauty now therewith 'gan he lo clip her in his armes which shee perceiuing rung the Bell her women presently comming in tooke this Yongster ducking him twise so much as they did before so that they laid him in the bed halfe drowned and hauing done presently voided they the Chamber The Hermet being come to himselfe had a better opinion of K. Oswald his Wife for he then held them for the holyest people in England and his hote bloud being cooled he lay still that night not daring to stirre lest shee giuing the alarum his enemies would come vpon him and put their crueltie in execution The morning being come hee kindely tooke his leaue of the Quéene telling her he had sufficiently tryed the Kings seuere and holy life and would euer after giue testimonie of the same so went he to his Cell being ashamed of this his foolish attempt and neuer after would looke into other mens liues but mended his owne She hauing ended her Tale they
you are a most cunning Whore therefore rest quiet for there you shall stand till morning This sharpe answere of his kild her heart but she quickly reuiued the same with a tricke which she hoped would get her admittance which she put in execution after this manner Am I rewarded thus quoth she for my charitie toward a poore distressed woman and is this thy thankes thou giuest mee for all my care which I haue had of thy old and crazed carkasse I see it is therefore will I liue no longer but presently will make away my selfe and with my selfe thee for the world iudging thee to bee author of my death will giue thee the punishment that is due vnto a murderer At this the old man laughed bidding her proceed Which she hearing tooke vp a great stone going therewith to a Pond which was within a yards length of her house and standing at the brink said these words Oh blessed element of water it is thou which wast ordained to end my misery and to reuenge me on my wicked husband therewith hurled she in the stone which made a great noise then placed shee her selfe hard by the doore Her husband thinking shee had leaped in and considering what danger hee might come in if shee was drowned ranne hastily out of doore to helpe her which his Wife seeing stept in bolting of him forth The old man stood a long time looking with his Spectacles on the Pond but perceiuing nothing to stirre hee thought her to be drowned and with that cryed out he was vndone Long inough might he cry for no neighbours dwelt neere him at length his Wife pittied him saying Alas good man what wouldst thou haue He hearing it to be his wiues voice was glad thereof yet continuing his churlish speeches vnto her he bid her open the doore calling her dissembling Queane To all this said she nothing but at last shee tooke occasion to emptie the Pis-pot on his head and then said There is some Cuckolds Vrine to coole your tongues heat I 'le warrant thee it is right 't is of my Husbands making so prethee fellow bee gone and let me sleepe This abuse of hers made the old man to raile more then before but at last séeing he could get nothing thereby thee gaue her good words intreating her to let him in and hee would forgiue all that was past neuer letting her friends vnderstand of her night-walking She seeing him so meeke said Old man I could well afford thee shelter in my house though thou hast not deserued the same but in so doing I shall breake my oath for I haue sworne that thou shalt not come through the doore not this fiue houres now to saue my oath and doe thee pleasure in taking thee out of the cold I will open the window in the lower roome that thou mayst come in that way Her husband being glad any way to get out of the cold thanked her for that kindnes Downe came she straight and opened that window the old man glad thereof thrust in his head praying her to helpe him She now thinking it time to bee reuenged on him tooke hold of his Beard and with her other fist batterd his face and scratched him in such pitious manner that the old man thought shee would haue killed him and therfore pulling his head out of the window he all be battered the Casements with stones calling her a hundred Whores At this she laughed and bid him bee a patient Cuckold for his greatest misery was to come so going to a backe window shee espyed a Boy whom she called willing him to goe to such a ones house naming her Pew-fellow and intreat her straight to come and speake with her The Boy doing her errand her Pew-fellow came to whom shee told not without great laughing the whole story of her good hap willing her to goe to her Mother and the rest of her friends and as she could well inough without her instructions frame a complaint how that her Husband of a long time had vsed to goe on whore hunting in the night yet shee hauing no iust proofe of the same was loth to speake but now it was her hap to take him forth of the doores where she would keep him till they came to take some order that she might bee separated from him for she feared her life With this Tale ranne her Pew-fellow to her friends which dwelled not farre off to whom she told such a pitious story of the miserable life their poore kinswoman led with that knowne and proued old adulterer that her friends moued with the wrong she sustained got the Parson of the towne to goe with them to their Kinswomans house that hee might be a witnesse of her wrong When they came thither they found the old man sitting at the doore with a face more deformed with beating and scratching then euer was any Witches The Mother to this lusty Lasse séeing him sit there with such a deformed face raised her voice to a high key saying Ah thou old Knaue thou Whore monger thou decrepit Lecher Hast thou alwayes complained of my Daughter making mee and other that are her good friends not onely to reproue her but more which I speake to my griefe to hate her for her neglect of dutie toward thee when the fault was in thy selfe when thou gauest her right to others but see now it is come home by thee shee hath intrapt thee in thy snare then art come home with thy face mangled like a true Ruffian now thou art the true Picture of a brothell-house companion thou hast the Seales on thy face which those creatures called Whores doe giue thou hast villaine thou hast He wondring to see her Mother so against him of whom he hoped to be righted said Mother I confesse these seales are the seales of a Whore but of what Whore Euen of what whore thou wilt quoth she thou knaue hold thy tongue confesse not heere keepe that for the gallowes Beare witnesse good Sir Iohn and the rest of my neighbours that see how my daughter is abused for I purpose to teach this knaue how to vse his wife better and not to abuse her and then threaten her with death if she complaine come downe my child and speake for thy selfe and let the knaue touch thee if he dare The yong Wife liked this well who came downe as her Mother bid her falling at her feet intreated her with fained teares that she might be diuorced from her wicked husband or else shee said her dayes were but short for he assuredly would doe her a mischiefe Content thee Daughter said her Mother I will haue him consent to let thee goe giuing thee that portion hee had with thée or else I will sell Cow Coat house and all to goe to Law with the Knaue The old man her Husband perceiuing that they were all on her side and how that they would not heare him speake in his owne defence likewise thinking if that hee