Sick and lies longing and languishing 'till you come to Minister to her Bon. And am I come pat am I come in the nick Court Your Fortune Sings in the right Cliff Sir a Wench as tender as a City Pullet Bon. But I hope not so rotten Court Oh Sir Health itself a very Restorative Bon. What are these Court Prepared for your Entertainment Song then Dance AS Strephon clasp'd in Celias Arms In melting Raptures dy'd Nought but her highest Heaven of Charms By the kind Nymph deny'd II. Ah Celia in a murm'ring vâ—ice Tous did the Touth repineâ— I 've tasted Bliss 'bove Hâ—maâ—e â—oys Te◠〈◊〉 compleat Divine III. Way must I only touch the Shear The Out-Land Coast of pleasure Leâ— to the Gaâ—e that keeps Loves store And yet debaâ—'d the Treasure Will you in Sir the way lies open for you Bon. Here Dear Dr. take you these hundred Pieces let 'em be your Charge Exit Court Well in spight of the Justice that provok'd me my Conscience a little turns at these vain tricks But they have all been ungrateful to me Ingratitude is a sin should have no mercy 'T is the Plague Spot who has it should not live If Holy Wisdom from the thundring Cloud Had given more Laws than ten this had ensu'd Avoid oh Man Man's shame Ingratitude For my poor Lot I could have sweetly slept in quiet want had not uncourteous scorn Been thrown upon me now they all shall feel When Honest Men Revenge their Rods are Steel Enter Annabela Isabell two Footmen beating on Bonavent Ann. Out you Villain do you think to dishonour me Bon. Hold good Lady I am Ann. A sawcy Rascal thou art take that in remembrance Exeunt Annab Court Hold good Lady Isab. and Footmen Bon. I thank you good Mr. Dr. Court Oh 't is not so much worth Sir verily Bon. Oh but it is Sir Rogue Dog Nay prithee dear Rascal pox on thee I meant thee no hurt my honest Vagabond But tell me dear Rogue tell me who put this Trick upon me tell me whose Plot was it at whose suit was I Cudgel'd Why was I made to feign my self a Physician 'till I am forced to go to the Surgeons tell me if thou darest Draws his Sword from under his Gown Courtwitt closes and disarms him Court Why then I will tell you this Beating was procured you by your Companion and Rival Mr. Squeezewit Bon. How by that City Sheep's-face Court Even he his Gold and fair Promises wrought upon me Bon. ' Oons I 'll grind the Dog to Powder Court Have patience I 'll put you in a way how you may take your Revenge with more safety Bon. Tell me then dear Rogue and I will not only forgive thee but Reward thee Richly Court Why then because I would have both your shoulders go in one Livery I will assist you Why Sir Knavery is as Restorative to me as Spiders to Monkeys the Poison of Wit feeds me Enter Squeezwit Look you Sir here he comes take this Cudgel and stand close and when you see him hang by the middle in a Rope let your Fist and Cudgel fall heavy Bon. Ay and soundly my ambitious blows shall strive which shall go foremost Court You will do well Sir Bon. Be sure draw him up but half way Court I warrant you Sir but I must up to receive him Exit Courtwitt Bon. Do so now will I be so reveng'd he had better been taken by in Bed with Annabella than have prevented me thus Squeez I am sure this is the Window her Letter appointed me to come to to be drawn up with a Rope ' Sdiggers forgive me for Swearing 't wou'd scarce vex a Man to be hang'd in a Rope for such a delicious Morsel Bon. But to be bang'd in a Rope perhaps may somewhat provoke you wou'd they would begin once that I might be at work I don't love to stand idle in the Cold thus Squeez Honest honest Dr. Pundorâ—â— Dr. Courtwitt above Court Here Sir here I watch to do you a good turn will you mount Sir Squeez Mount ay I will mount remount and furmount I will dance in a Rope to the Mistress of my affections and afterwards bequeath it to the Cuckold her Husband Court Now mount Sir I pluck Couragiously Pray Hercules my strength fail me not Bon. Up up Sir Cudgels Squeezewit Squeez Pox and Pain Pull pull Dr. Bon. Save you Sir Squeez I am most sensible of your Salâ—â—ation pluck Dr. Court Alas the Cord sticks I 'll call some help Exit from above Squeez Death and Devils Bon. Fists and Cudgels Squeez Hearts Lungs Lights Bon. Arms Shoulders Sides Squeez Help help Murther Enter Courtwitt Court Passion of me what 's here a Dr. I 'll Dr. You. Away Squeez Ah redeem me redeem me dear Dr. Court Yes Sir I come for the same purpose Alas me thinks I feel your Blows my self Are you not sore Sir Squeez Sore Sir a Pox on thee cou'dst not thou pluck Court Sure I was Planet-struck the Rope stuck in a slit Sir Squeez A Pox of the slit I say Court Do you know this mad Dr. or do you owe a Dr. any thing Squeez I know no Dr. but thy self and thou hast been a damn'd unlucky Acquaintance to me hitherto Nor did I ever owe any thing to a Dr. only I am indebted to my Barber-Surgeon for a Diet-Drink Enter Bonavent in his own Cloaths Court Put your Fâ—ce in order here comes Company Bon. Ha! Squeezwit heartily how is 't Squeez As heartily as you please but not so hard prithee Bon. Why what 's the matter Man Squeeze I run against a Post just now and bruis'd my sides Bon. Parmasity is very good for a Bruise or the Skin of a flead Cat. Squeez A flead Cat Bon. The Fly-blows of a dead Dog made into Oil and spread upon the Skin of a measled Hog Come Squeezwit come with me I have a Remedy shall Cure thee presently Farewell Dr. Squeez Unbruised Bones and a smooth Forehead to you Dr. Court Your Servant Gentlemen Exeunt Bon. and Squeez Why I have got more Mony in this one days Cozenage than ever I did in my whole Life of Honesty But least my Fortune cool I 'll make use of each momenâ— nor will I miss a Path that leads to my advantage My Mother right she must be drawn in next Nor am I even with my Draper But the Principal Affair my Mortgage from the Widow there I am foundred O Fortune Fortune stand my Friend in that and I 'll forgive the rest Exit SCENE Changes Enter Mr. and Mrs. Sneaksby Mrs. Snea. VVEll Sir Now to what you have to say to me His Majesty you say wou'd buy some Jewels shall I deal plainly with you my Husband has quite left off his Trade and disposed so of his Goods that we have not a Jewel left Court I am very sorry for 't It was your Son's earnest Request to His Majesty that his Father should be sent for Mrs. Snea. Shall I
was pepper'd to full of the Whatd'ecallums that I was able to poison 〈◊〉 Squeez Why that was comparatively too in respect of a pure Virgin â— Chrisom Child or so Bon. Incorrigible Coward I will provoke thee if it is possible a Soâ—undrel nay I say now art not thou a Pickpocket speak Squeez Why comparatively it may be said I am to a Church warden a Collector for the poor or so Bon. The Conclusion is that if ever I hear you mention my Name in any â—aâ—e whatsoever I 'll beat thee into Mummy Squeez In my good Wishes and Prayers I may Heaven forbid else Bon. No not in your Prayers I won't have you mention me you Dog you 'd better never pray Squeez Well Heaven forbid I shou'd then Bon. And make thy Oath good on that Fellow that has ta'he thy 〈◊〉 from thee or Squeez Why he has not taken her yet has he Bon. You have not seen him nor her these two hours Besides the Widow has call'd for her and she is not to be found Squeez True true and if I be nor revenged Bon. Do 't then now whilst thou art hot See here they come how mind or by my Sword Enter Venture and Carroll Vent Believe me ' Madam there is no Danger whatsoever but I wou'd willingly hazard for the possession of your dear self Car. I must confess you have shewn your self in all things a worthy Gentleman and one that I had never much dislike to I have been solicited by many especially that Squeezwit whom I hate for his abomiâ—able Cowardise Squeez Coward Madam you are mistaken I am no Coward sdiggers forgive me for swearing I am as good a Man no Dispraise to any one as he that talked with you last And â—gad for all his fierce Look I have you and I 'll keep you and Lucifer himself shan't take you from me Car. Heyday you 're valiant of a suddenâ— Takes her from Venture Squeez Valiantâ— Madam I have cause to be valiant and I will be valiant sâ—iggers I 'll fight to die and die to fight again Bon. Death go take her from him What afraid By this Light he 's a 〈◊〉 Coward than â—'otâ—erâ—â—id what a terrible Rage he 's in that is Vanquisher Vent Sir she is mine by promise Squeez She 's mine by Act and Deed according to the Flesh do you deny it Sirâ—aho if you dare 〈◊〉 Vent That shall be tryed by Law Squeez By Law of Hands and Arms is shall take that and be sa 〈◊〉 Boxes him Vent Bear witness he struck me Car. O pityful Picture drawer Squeez What won't he draw then I am resolved I will Draws Vent What would you have Sir if she be yours take her Squeez No no that won't do I 'll make thee fight Sdiggers what 〈◊〉 I 〈…〉 but be valiant to be Cesar. Car. Oh brave 〈◊〉 Bon. Why dost 〈…〉 thou Fellow thou Vent She'â—◠〈◊〉 thy and she does not deny it wou'd you have me fight with 〈◊〉 Squeez I 'll make you fight or cut you into pieces Bon. By this Light he 's turning my Words over to him Squeez 〈…〉 for Snivel to hurt Mens Feet tha◠〈◊〉 Kicks him Bon. Nay now thou art too severe Squeez Hold your peace I 'll â—ouâ— your Heads together else and so beat t'one with 〈◊〉 Bon. ' Slife he 'll beat me too Squeez What do you wear a Sword for I say speak or by my terrible Fit of Valour I 'll rip thee up as Neâ— did his Mother and hang thee up for a Sign with a Cord made of thy small Guts Vent Some other time and in a fitter place Squeez Sirra you lie strike me for that or I 'll dig thy Brains out and make a Punch Bowl of thy Skull Vent You see this Mr. Bonavent Car. Ay and I see it too Was ever any Woman so cozened in a Man Squeez Hark you Sheeps face the Woman you love and doat upon is a Whore Car. How 's that Squeez Hold hold that was wrong Your Father was a Whore no your Father was a Cuckold though and you 're the Son of a Whore Bon. Rare I shall love this Fellow Vent Well Sir I can take all this upon Account Squeez You count all this is true then Go you 're an incorrigible Coward you 're a what was the last ugly Name you called me Mr. Bonaveâ—nt Oh I remember now Sirrah you 're a Pickpocket Vent 〈…〉 I am discouered 〈…〉 Squeezâ— What do you start Nay then I say 〈◊〉 you 're a Pickpoket and give me my Money and him his 〈◊〉 I 'll cut your Body into 〈◊〉 of Salt and make a pickle for your Soul you Dog Vent Hold hold Sir pray Gentlemen 〈◊〉 you will grant me pardon and forbear the Law I 'll answer you Bon. Agreed agreed Vent Why then indeed I am a Pickpocket Squeez Comparatively or positively speak positively or Ill beat thee superlatively Bon. By this Hand a brave Boy Vent Here is your Watch and Money and here is yours Now as you're Gentlemen use no Extremity Bon. Beyond all expectation Squeez Miraculous Oh the Effects of Valour Car. Was ever Woman so mistaken on both sides Bon. But dost thou think thou' rt really valiant Squeez You had best try Sdiggers come both of you I 'll send you into the other World as easily as that Fellow picks a Pocket Bon. Nay faith I 'll not put thee out of this honour Squeez Is this your Picture drawing Are you the King's Picture drawer A very pretty Denomination for a Curpurse that draws the Kings Pictures out of Mens Pockets Come Sir come in with us Vent Pray use me kindly Gentlemen Squeez Yes we will use you in your kind Oh that I cou'd meet with that mad God Plutus now that took my Money from me Sings First with his Head I 'd Exercise my Bladâ— ' Sbud I wou'd not be a Coward again to be made Lord Mayâ—r Ex. Enter Widow and Maid Wid. I cannot be easie till I have seen this Wellborne I never thought to trouble him with too much Love Why should he bind me from it and make me Swear Never to Love him It has vext me strangely See is not that Wellborne coming Mayd Yes Madam Wid. I must talk with him Mayd Before he speaks to you Wid. Ay ay and better so then lose him Enter Wellborne You 're well met Sir are you not a strange man what can you mean Is it because I have dealt justly by you told you my heart without Flattery that you take these wicked Courses Well What the Devil is she run mad since I last talked with her Wid. Indeed you are to blame because I can't love you you 'd be desperate Well And hang my self for Love Wid. I am much afraid on 't 'T would be a fine Credit for you but it may be you 'll go to Hell to be Reveng'd of me Is this all your Christianity Reads But if you have such impious Intentions why do you send to me to fright
Sneaksby A Foolish Hen peck'd City Ieweller Mr. Cibber Aminadab His Son somewhat soft but by Money has purchased a Place at Court Mr. Lee Ieremy Servant to Courtwitt who puts on the Disguise of a Woman to serve his Master Mr. Lawson Crack Brother to Ieremy WOMEN Mrs. Mountfort Annabella A very vertuous Woman Wife to Courtwit Mrs. Knight Widow Lacy. A Humorous Lady never long in one Mind Mrs. Lassels Carroll Her Cozen. Mrs. Lee Mrs. Sneaksby A Woman of an Eternal Tongue SCENE the Park A Very Good Wife ACT I. SCENE I. Enter Courtwit and Ieremy Cour. AND is this all her Answer Ieremy Ier. All Sir I cou'd obtain from her Cour. Unconscionable Widow what not one Thousand Pounds more Ier. Not a penny She says she takes more pride in your undoing Than ever she cou'd do in her own Riches And vows to take the forfeit of your Mortgage Cour. A plague upon her this is to refuse any Courtesie to a Widow A small slip of frailty now might have soften'd all this indignation but Iery thou shou'dst have told her the Debts due to me wou'd when pay'd almost redeem my Mortgage Ier. I did so Sir Cour. Well and what said she then Ier. She said 't was as impossible to know when that time wou'd be as 't was for a Navigator to discover the Creeks and Sounds of the North-East and North-West passages And tho' you were so unwise begging your Honour's pardon to part with your Money without good assurance of the return on'â—â— she was not no Sir she says she has hook'd in your Estate and swears she 'll quickly have it above water Cour. The Devil sink her for 't but Ieremy what says my Mother in Law Ier. More in a moment than I cou'd Study in a week her words crowd so thick on one another that 't is impossible for the Art of Man to distinguish ' emâ— Her Tongue 's nimbler than the Poet 's Mercury and her Voice lowder than a Demiculverin I dare Swear she 'd Out-scold ten Carted Bawds when she 's sober and Out-chat fifteen Midwives tho' fourteen of 'em were half Drunk But in her confused Chaos of words I cou'd find this and this only that she 'll not part with a penny of Mony Court Plague on her Gibship what course must I take Mony I have none Credit I have none Friends I have none and Igad if it continues thus for one week longer I may safely say Honestly I have none Iery Sir here comes some of your Debtors accost them Court For what I have not Impudence enough to ask tho' for my own wou'd I were a Citizen now for one half hour only to obtain that excellent Art of Dunning what Face shall I put on Plague on 't wou'd my Taylor had made me a visit this Morning I might have taken a pattern from him Enter Bonavent and Squeezwitt Your Servant Gentlemen Bon. Ha! Noble Mr. Courtwitt how fares the world with you by the Honour of Cornwall the Rose has wither'd for want of being sprinkled with the Dew of your Wit Gadzooks we have Squeez Yes really Mr. Courtwit we have been as the saying is Like Bees without Stings or a Whore without Cully Like Plays without Wit or a Bawd without Bully For want of your sweet Society Bon. Why you impudent impertinent Dog how dare you offer to interrupt me Must that fountain of Nonsence be eternally running Squeez Why look you now I never saw such a Man as this Mr. Bonavent is since I was Born he 'll allow no Man to have any Wit but himself Bon. Wit dost thou pretend to Wit Squeez Wit ay good substantial City Wit why not I 'me a Scholar a man of an Estate and have Wit enough to keep it Court Well Sir the better your Estate the more able you are to do me a Curtesie I have now an urgent occasion to make use of you my free Temper has brought me to so low an ebb that I 'm oblig'd to ask for Mony which is a thing my Nature so abhors that tho' 't is for my own I blush to do it Squeez ' Sdiggers forgive me for Swearing I hope he don't design to dunn me Court You know Mr. Squeezwitt I lent you 200 Guineas but my Occasions being urgent I 'le quit you for a Hundred Squeez Seignior no 't is thought by the malicious who envy the Wisdom of the City that I have a tender Pericranium but they shall find I have not only Wit enough to keep my own Mony but other mens too And for your comfort Mr. Courtwitt I 'le give you a very Learned saying I learnt of my Grannum He that is poor in Appetite may quickly be Rich in Purse desire little covet little no not so much as your own and then you 'l have enough Court Enough Squeez Yes marry little enough I know I owe you 200 and odd Pounds you have need on 't who has not you have need to have it I have need to pay it here 's need of all hands and to prevent any further discourse of the matter I have great need to be gone And so farewell Exit Squeezwit Court Mr. Bonavent Bon. What does thy Fist gape for Mony from me too Court You know Sir I lent you a Hundred Pound upon your single word I 'me sure you are so much a Gentleman as not to deny me at such a time as this Bon. You sure pray Sir be not so sure lest you shou'd be mistaken What dost thou take me for a worse Coxcomb than that General of Fools that just now left us But however when I am flush you may hear from me so farewel A Handsome Young Fellow Marry'd to a Beautiful Wife for whom I have no small Affection and talk of Poverty be ruled by me get Mony do Aside And keep it when thou hast it if thou wou'dst thrive be rather a Knave than a Fool how much dost say I owe thee Court A Hundred Pound Bon. Thou' rt in my Debt I have given thee Counsel worth a Hundred and Fifty dog cheap but I 'le bate thee the odd Mony Ex. Bon. Court Is this the end of unsuspicious Friends my generous Goodness and too open Hands rewarded thus Enter Hickman Singing Hick Good morrow Mr. Courtwitt good morrow good morrow Court You 're very merry Mr. Hickman Hick You 're very melancholly Mr. Courtwitt Court I have Reason for my melancholly Hick And I for my mirth Sings There 's no Man more Happy than he That 's free from a troublesome Wife A Whore at Command And a Glass in his Hand Are the three chief Blessings of Life Court Sir I must acknowledge my self a very happy man for meeting you in this good Humour and wish the business I have to deliver may not in the least discommode it I hope Sir you won't deny me a favour Hick Not I what is 't what is 't Court You had once a Jewel of me which you now wear on your Finger
for this I never found much inclination to trouble him but to be limited and be prescribed would make a Woman mad This was a poor Trick in him but Iâ—le go study something to forget him Exit Well Ha! ha I do perceive 't will take I find she retains a relish of her Predecessour Eve and longs to be pidling at the Fruit forbidden Enter Bonavent driving in Squeezwitt Bon. Sirrah dare but contradict me and I 'le cut thee into more pieces than there are Corns of Powder wasted on a Lord Mayor's day Well How now Gentlemen what 's the matter Bon. What the Devil do you there I thought thou hadst been abused enough by that Widow weathercock that 's alwaies turning plague on her she had her fling at me too But thank my Stars I am here now on another account Well But prithee how has Squeezwit angred thee Squeez Why Mr. VVellborn forgive me for Swearing he will have Mr. Venture talk to Mrs. Carroll and make Love to her in spight of my teeth Bon. Yes Sirrah and he shall talk with her his Belly full and do with her too her Belly full for all thee he 's an honest discreet Gentleman and thou a Coxcomb a Coward Squeez Coward Pish that 's a common Name I scorn to answer to 't Bon. Why dost thou wear a Sword only to hurt Mens feet that kick thee Squeez A Sword why I wear a Sword to fight when I see Cause Bon. What is a Cause to fight for speak Squeez I won't tell you it must be found out and given me before I ought to take notice VVell You may safely say for Religion King or Country Bon. Darest thou fight for Religion ha Squeez Ha! No for no man that has any Religion will fight I am sure Bon. I say thou hast none speak hast thou any Squeez Why truly in this wavering World I cannot tell what to say Bon. He 'll say he has no King too rather than Fight VVell Why if he won't fight for him he 's no Subject and no Subject no King you know Squeez I thank you Sir I would have said so Bon. Oh thou woud'st make a special Souldier Squeez Well Sir all are not choice Dogs that run some are taken in to make up the Cry Bon. And for thy Country I dare swear thou woud'st rather run it than fight for 't Squeez Run my Country I can't for I was born in the City I am no Clown to run my Country Bon. Dare you tell me of Clown you Cockney Chicken-hearted whelp you Squeez Forbear good Sir there are Country Gentlemen as well as Clowns and for that Rank I honour you Bon. Sirrah you lye Strike me for that or I will beat thee most abominably VVell Up to him man wist thou suffer this Squeez I I I would but Bon. You lie agen Squeez Well well I think I do and why should I maintain an ill Cause Bon. The Woman you love and doat upon is a Whore Squeez Why if she be 't is none of my fault nor hers some body else made her so I warrant you but ' sdiggers should another Man tell me so Bon. What then Sirrah Squeez Why I wou'd say as much to him as I do to you nor indeed is any Man's Report of that a sufficient Cause unless she her self confess it and then it were no Cause at all VVell Here 's a true City Wit Squeez I should have Wit and am accounted a Wit within the Walls I 'm sure my Father was Master of his Company and the wisest Company too in the City VVell What Company 's that Squeez The Salters Sir for sal sapit omnia you know Bon. Your Father your Father was a Cuckold and you 're the Son of a Whore VVell Death fight now or you 'll die infamous was your Mother a Whore Squeez Comparatively she might be in respect of some Holy Women as the Lady Ramsey Mrs. Katherine Stubbs and such ha ha is that a Cause VVell What not to say your Mother was a Whore Squeez He may say his pleasure it hurts not her she 's dead besides at best she was but a Woman and at worst she might have her Frailties like other Women And shall I fight for the Dead when we are forbid to pray for ' em VVell But were your Mother living what wou'd you say Squeez I wou'd civilly ask her if she were a Whore or no. If she confest it then he 's i th' right and â—ought not to fight with him because my Cause wou'd be naught If she deny'd it then he were in the wrong and I would not fight for I had better let him live to repent his Errour you know Bon. Nay now if I don't kill thee let me be hang'd for idleness Squeez Hold I am unprepar'd Draws Bon. I care not unless you swear presently without all Equivocation upon this Sword Squeez Scabbard and all I beseech you the Cover of the Book is allow'd in all Courts to Swear upon Bon. Well Sir now you must swear to challenge the next Man that wrongs you Squeez Yes if the wrong give me sufficient Cause Well Cause agen Bon. Suppose that Picture Drawer within should take your Mistress from you as indeed I believe he has already Squeez How give me the Book give me the Book I 'll have her from him or him from her tho' I change the Nature of a Citizen and turn valiant Ex. Squeez Well I love a Man whom neither Lye Kick Battoon Friends Scandal Parents the wrongs of King Country or Religion can move that will yet fight for his Mistress Bon. Oh a Woman is a very moving Cafe But I must take my leave my hour draws on that I must meet my Charming Isabella â—Aâ—ide VVell I have Affairs that call on me too therefore you have saved me the trouble of an Apologyâ— Your Servant Exeunâ— severally Enter Annabella Isabell and two Footmen Ann. Be sure to observe punctually my Directions and when he enters lay him on without mercy Foot I warrant you Madam we 'll have as little compassion for him as the Fryars would have for a Baily Ann. I wonder he comes not 't is almost near the hour a true Lover is seldom found tardy at an Appointment Isab. If Lovers find no better incouragement than he is like to do 't is enough to make Men forswear Intriguing Enter Courtwiâ—t Court Away away into your Chamber quickly Hanavent's just turning of the Street and Squeezwit has receiv'd your Letter who will be here immediately therefore withdraw Ann. We will obey you noble Doctor Exeunt â—mnes preâ—er Courtwiâ—t Enter to him Bonavent disguised like a Physician Bon. Honest honest dear Noble Dr. is the ready for me Court Mr. Bonavent I am a Fool if I took you not for a real Physician Bon. As I take it this comes pretty near the Disguise you ordered me Court Oh Sir most admirably 'T is impossible you shou'd be suspected for she has feign'd her self
tell you Sir pray Husband stand aside My Son-in-Law Courtwitt whom I hope wou'd have proved a crafty Courtier proved an honest Man by Consequence a Beggar which when I perceived and that every Stranger abused him I having more Wit than he fell to and Cozen'd him my self and pretending to go to a Ball borrowed of him two Jewels of great Value Now Sir I come to you Court Ay! Now you come to the point Mrs. Snea. Right Sir for there is no Woman though she use never so many By-Words but yet in the End will come to the point Now Sir I having these Jewels will send 'em by my Husband a poor easie weak Man as you see but very Obedient in Truth Court Very good Mrs. Snea. So you shall present 'em praise 'em and raise 'em the King pays my Husband returns and we 'll share d' ye Mark Court Nay I admire Mrs. Snea. Away then no Compllments my Husband shall come early in the Morning Exit Courtwitt Come your ways hither Husband put off your Hat make a Leg Look simply why so I have Jewels for you to carry to the King Mr. Snea. Yes forsooth I 'le carry ' em Mrs. Snea. Look you Sir you are so quick I have charg'd you not to shoot your Bolt before you know your Mark You shall carry 'em sell 'em at my price and now cast no farther You see the Limits of your Commission Now Sir how will you behave your self to the King how will you bear your self at Court Snea. I hope I am not too wise to Learn Mrs. Snea Why that 's well spoken Now mark I will instruct you When you come at the Court-Gate neither knock nor make water You must go thro' the Hall cover'd thro the Presence bare thro' the Privy Lobby cover'd to the King bare Snea. I 'le do 't I warrant you Let me see at the Court Gate neither knock nor piss May not a man break wind Mrs. Snea. Umpâ— Yes but then it must be like the Encbiquâ—r payment somewhat abated Snea. Through the Hall bare Mrs. Snea. Cover'd Snea. Cover'd through the Presence Cover'd Mrs. Snea. Bare Snea. Bare Well I will put it down in my Table Book and con it by the way Mrs Snea. Well thought on Something I see he has in him like my Husband But now you come before the Brow of Royalty Now for your Carriage there Suppose me the King Come in and present here sits Royalty a Chair There Enters the Jeweller make your Honours let me see you do it handsomely Snea. Yes now I come in make my three Legs and then Mrs. Snea. Kneel Snea. Yes and say Mrs. Snea. What Snea. I can't tell Mrs. Snea. And please your Majesty may I have certain Jewels to present liking Snea. And please your Majesty I have certain Jewels to present to your liking Mrs. Snea. Sirrah you are a Cuckoldy Knave and have often abused me with false and deceitful Jewels Snea. I sell none but Right e'ne please your Majesty Mrs. Snea. Why then that 's well very well something I see he has in him like my Husband come I 'le Disguise you and then for the Courtâ— Snea. Truly Wife I fear I shall be discover'd among the Gallants presently Ex. End â— Act. ACT IV. Enter Courtwitt and Jeremy with a Letâ—â—â— Court VVEll Doll for that thou sayest is thy Name though I have forgotten thee I protest about London VVell was it sayest thou VVell I can't but highly commend thy VVit in this that hast so well mended thy Election for being a Fountain of Aches Bald Brows and broad Plaisters thus to remember thy Creation Iery I did consider and I think rightly what I was and that Men who loved my Use loved it but to loath me therefore I changed my self into the shape of a demure Country VVidow that had scarce Beauty enough to be tempted and quite forsook the path I trod in and betook me to this private way of Cozenage Court But all my VVonder is at the means how thou gottest into this and Reputation and to be held a VVoman of such an Estate Iery That shall be made plain hereafter Enter Crack Now Brother where did you leave Mr. Hickman Crack Amongst the Mercers Madam so troubled as if all the Silk in Pater-Nosteâ—-Row were not enough to make your VVedding Gown He is overjoyed that his Happy Day is at Hand I once heard him invite one special Friend to his Nuptials he cannot contain himself On a sudden he fell a singing Oh she 's a dainty VVidow â—eark I think I hear him coming Enter Hickman Singing Lady VVhere are you VVidow Sweet VVidow where are you Look you VVidow how do you like these Patterns Ierem. Sir here 's a Gentleman has a Letter for you he tells me it concerns the making or undoing his dearest Friend Hick From whom is your Letter Friend Court From one Mr. Courtwitt Sir Ierem. It will take Effect doubt not Court He scratches his Head tho Ierem. He had as lieve part with his Blood as his Mony Hick Mr. Courtwitt writes to me for a hundred and fifty pounds The Value of a Ring I had of him I grant I am to pay him three hundred at my day of Marriage but we are all mortal and who knows but I may dye to Night Court VVhy then your Bond is due for 't is equally payable at your hour of Death or Marriage Hick Ay! but such payments never trouble a man Ierem. Are you in Bonds Mr. Hickman for your day of Marriage Hick Only 300 â—â— 't is for that Ring I gave you upon our Contract it is worth a hundred and fifty ready mony Ierem. Then when you 're Marry'd you may say you paid the rest for your VVife Pray Sir make even Reckonings before you VVed 't will show Nobly in you to your poor Creditor and be a special Argument of your Love to me Pray discharge it I shan't think you love me else Hick Hark you Friend if you 'll take a hundred and fifty pound in full payment and give me in my Bond here 's your mony 't is your best Course alas I am an unlikely fellow for VVedlock Do take a 150 l. aside to Court Court If you 'll please to befriend Mr. Courtwitt with 150 l. I 'le set it received on the Bond here it is and he shall demand no more till it be due Ierem. Pish pray Sir pay it all and take in your Bond I 'le pay it else upon my word 'T is but 300 l. you say Friend Hick Sayest thou so VVidow Come Sir come in and tell your Money Exeunt Hickman and Jeremy Court And thank you good Mr. Hickman that knew so well a Bargain was a Bargain and not part with your Money to be laugh'd at amongst your Neigbours I would Laugh heartily now if I durst but I must Pocket your Mony and then about my Court Affairs This VVench I am infinitely beholding to she remembers some old kindness that
Lady let thy sweet Faash understand that I was borne in the Kingdom of Ireland my Name Sir Feezil Mackafarty of the Noble Science of Physick and Astrology and does make study into Plaister Box and Glister Pipe Carâ— So Sir Vent VVorthy Sir Feez-lle said he as I was making VValk one day in de Green Field behind de great House in de little Path beside de great Road I did meet vid de very great VVhore on my Shalvation and den I did put lye upon in de Great Ditch and she did put de Great Pock upon Dere Joy an 't please thy Sweet Faalh Carr. Oh Villany and VVickedness Squeez I lye with a VVhore in a Ditch and get the Pox ' sdiggers here 's an impudent Devil and his Dam Madam as I hope to enjoy your Ladyships Favour I'mâ— a pure Virgin and there 's not one Syllable of Truth in all this wicked Villain has said Vent Oh! by my Shoul dere Madam heare what hard Name he call upon me Villain and Rogue Dere Joy but do not take Notice what he say for de Mercury of his Physick be got into his Head and turn his Brain Fair and Trot. Squeez Oh wicked and abominable my patience can hold No longer as I 'me a true Christian Man Madam This abominable bogtrotting Rogue is a perfect Irish Evidence a Poultâ—ooâ— a Scoâ—â—drel a Cheat And a Vagabond Vent Hubbub Looâ— Did I not tell you the Mercury was got into His Head and make him run Mad but I defie all He can say against me I am a Person of Quality And please your Ladyship and speak my Conscience Squeez A Knighâ— of the Post and please your Rogueship and Tell nothing but damn'd Lyes Carr. O Mr. Squeezwit did I think there could be so much Treachery in the World To have condescended to Marry A Beggar with truth and honesty had been a Pardonable fault in me but to run into the Arms of Lewâ—ness and Diseases O filthy Creature To expose my sweet Health and ruine both Soul and Body Squeez Ah Madam are you my Enemy too Carr. Ay ay make much of your Infamous Viâ—e Creatures And hug the Fruits of your Sin your Foul Diseases but Hope not to delâ—de an innocent harmless Virgin Squeez Madam Madam I beseech you but to hear me Carr. No I have heard too much O blest discovery â— What Aprecipice have I escaped Squeez Dear Madam hear me but one word in my defence Carr. Defence Oh do not name it thou Wicked Vile Deceitful Barbarous Man Squeez Nay Madam as you 're a Gentlewoman hear me But one word If you sat Lord Chief Justice over me And both my Thumbs were tied up to the doleful Tune of Take him Jaylor to the place of Execution you Could not be so cruel a Judge as not to hear me Speak before you hang'd me Carr. Well what can you say for yourself Squeez Why I say and say again that this Irish Loon is an Impudent Imposter and every word he has said against me is Rank Forgery Tell me I have got the Pox he lyes in His Heart and his Soul and I 'le send for a Jury of Midwives and be search'd immediately Besides you say you 're a Knight you Poultroon why don't you wear a Sword to vindicate your Knighthood that I may fight you like a Man And cut your Throat like a Dog and a Scoundrel Vent Feâ—ght de Eerish Man and de Physitian Feeght I by my Shoule it neither belong to my Country nor my Profession To Feeght but I will do better then Feeghting for I will Take my Corporal Oâ—e upon the 4 Apostle dat every Sillable I have spoke be all Trute dear Joy Squeez Trute I 'le trute you in the Devils name 〈◊〉 upon Vent And gets him down Vent Help help de Physitian Carr. Hold no more for shame Squeez No Madam I 'le fetch him out of his Poxes and his Plagues too In the Scuffle Vent lose his Mustâ—choes Vent Help murder death and the Devil I have lost my Mustâ—choes And if he discovers me I 'me a dead Man Squeez What are you ashamed to shew your Face Vent Yesh I am ashamed and have very great reason by St. Patrick for thou hast broke my Bone out of my Skin and my Toot out of my Head and I will make Law upon thee for this wicked Affront Squeez Law you Dog I 'le Law you Goes to strike him and discâ—vers his Mustachoe lost Oh Madam the Rogue has got A false Beard who are you shew your Face confess And be hang'd Mr. Venture Carr. Venture Squeez Whoop by my Shoul Sir Freezel Mackafarta where be de great House and de great Ditch and de great Whore and de great Pock now you Son of a great Irish Bogtrotting Bitch Vent Nay you may laugh but what I 've done I 'de do again Squeez Oh wou'd you so my dear Sir Feeâ—ell well I 'le have one Frolick too in this Masquerade you shall have an Irish Song for Musick and after that an English Horsepond to cool wild Irish Rage and my dear you shall go with me and see Justice executed Carr. Nay such a Rogue deserves it Squeez And so a' nt please your English Rogueship and Irish Doctorship march on Rascal Exeunt Enter Annabella and Widow Scene Sne's House a Table set forth with a Hâ—t Sword Gloves and a Light on 's Wid. Be sure you use me well for never Woman Play'd half so fond a part as I have done To throw my Love and Fortunes to your Arms E're I have ask'd to whom I make the present Ann. O ne're repine at so much generous goodness For when I 'me Lord of this fait Treasure doubt not My Love nor Gratitude to the dear Foundress Of so Divine a â—east Enter Courtwit Court By'â— leave young Bridegroom For tho' I am a Stranger to your Person I am not to your happiness this night If Fame Speaks true you seal that fair possession Ann. Yes Sir Fame tells you truth the Envious World This night will see me blest Court Soe blest I hope To stand above the want of my poor ruins To Enlarge your Hoard of blessings Ann. Heaven forbid Else Court Then Sir be pleased to know I owe that Lady 2000 l. Wid. Honestly borrow'd of her Court For which my â—and stand seiz'd Wid. But not so seiz'd But that I here disclaim the mean advantages Of Penalties and Forfeitures I confess I must not give 2000 l. away All else you may Command you have full freedom Of making your Redemption when you please Court I ask no more but take you at your word 'T is true I have not Mony for redemption But I 've a Jewel more then worth that Sum And if that satisfaction Wid. 'T is enough Court Then Madam see this Sword th' Original purchase Four thousand Lewidores the present value A price which outweighs my Debt which to confirm Your Landlord the rich Jeweller but see He comes uncallâ—d Oh Mr. Sneaksby Enter
worth a Hundred and Fifty Pound for which I have your Bond for 300 at your day of Death or Marriage If you will now because I want present Mony give me a Hundred I 'le acquit you Hick Why my good Friend Mr. Courtwitt I have no tricks nor jerks to come over you not I I know a plain Bargain is a plain Bargain and that Wit is never good till it be bought if a Hundred Pound will do you any kindness you shall have it Mr. Courtwitt Court I thank you Sir Hick You shall indeed two if you please Court Agen I thank you Sir Hick Upon good Security mark me Mr. Courtwitt otherwise you must excuse me I am a poor Tradesman Mr. Courtwitt keep a Linnen and a Woollen Draper's Shop Mr. Courtwitt and wou'd be loath to lend my Mony without Security to be laugh'd at among my Neighbours aâ— you are Mr. Courtwit and so fare you well good Mr. Courtwit Mony no no. Sings Youth keep oh keep thy Mony fast And tye it in thy Purse For that must be thy Friend at last For better and for worse Exit Hickman Iery There 's a hundred and 50 pounds worth more Sir but see here comes your Mother now for the noise of 50 Paper-mills Enter Mr. Sneaksby and Mrs. Sneaksby Mrs. Sne. Oh Sir are you here you have spun a fair thread here 's much ado and little help we can find neither head nor foot in your business my Daughter and I may curse the time that e're we saw thee Court Sir you have the Civil Vertue of Patience in you good Sir hear me Mrs. Sne. He says he does hear thee and is ashamed to see thee hast not undone our Daughter spent her Portion deceived our Hopes wasted thy Fortune ha Court All was but my kind heart in trusting in trusting Father Mrs. Sne. Kind Heart what shou'd Courtiers do with kind Hearts or trusting in any thing but sure Preferment and ready Mony Court What wou'd you dear Father that I shou'd now Mrs. Sne. Marry depart in peace Sir vanish in silence Ill keep my Daughter at home she shan't Beg with you Court Be you but pleas'd to answer me dear Sir may not an honest Man Mrs. Sne. Honest man who the Devil bid thee be an Honest Man Here 's my Worshipful Husband Mr. Sneaksby from a poor Ieweller is come to be a Iustice of Peace and what as An Honest Man he grew to be able to give Six Thousand Pounds with my Daughter and what as an honest Man He bought my Son Aminidab a Place at Court but not by Honesty what shou'd any one Man do with Honesty when 't is enough to undoe a whole Corporation Court If my uncunning disposition be my only Vice then Father Mrs. Sne. Nay and thou hast been Marry'd three years to my Daughter and hast not got her with Child yet Court It may be defect in your Daughter as probable as in me Mrs. Sne. Defect in my Daughter Oh horrible indignity defect in my Daughter Sirrah Sirrah 't is well known before ever thou saw'st her there was â—o defect in my Daughter Court Well if to be Honest be to be a Fool my utmost Ambition is a Coxcomb Sir I crave your farewell Mrs. Sne. Marry and have it Sir with all his heart my Husband 's a Man of few words and has committed his Tongue to me and I hope I shall use it to his honour fare you well Sir Exit Mr. and Mrs. Sne. Court Now mercy on me but I had rather end my Life in Poverty than endure the noise of that Larum-Bell one half hour longer there is a desperate Palsie on her Lips and an everlasting Feaver on her tongue Enter Annabella My Love Ann. My Life why thou look'st melancholly Court Faith my Dear it ought not to seem strange having so narrowly scaped the loss of one of my Senses Ann. Prithee what Sense Court The Sense of hearing Love thy Mother Ann. Was she here Court Just parted from me that Eternal Mil-clack Ann. What was the matter with her Court Nothing but her old Disease a fit of noise My Creditors were with me too this morning Went in a rage and swear they 'll take their Course Some of my Debtors too I saw who laugh'd at me Made me their sport and for my ready Mony Gave me their damn'd unseasonable Counsel Ann. Some of your Debtors too have sent to me Prithee peruse these Papers Court How 's this from Bonavent and Squeezewit Ann. Even so did ever Leander write more moving to his Hero Court Plague of their Rogueships why they proffer highly Ann. And can you be melancholly when your Wife has such a brace of Lovers to maintain her I warrant you now you 'd think much to be a Cuckold for all these high Proposals Court Why faith my Dear I 'm one of those Courtiers that wou'd not willingly be sent of a Journey to Monte Cornetto but however I am of an Opinion she is most Chast that 's left to her own will Confinâ—â—â—nt gives a Woman time to think And muâ—â—r up those wanton Vanities Which modest Recreation wou'd expell Were they in Italy or Spain less Jealous Their Wives wou'd covet less the things forbidden For Womens ' Souls are bent to Contradiction Ann. Then you dare trust me Phil Court That I dare faith for if thou art a Sinner thou' rt a very private one and that 's half as commendable as Vertue Ann. Then if I do not trick this Brace of Fools May I live Poor die Infamous and be The publick scorn of every Vertuous Wife But my Love has Ieremy brought you any News from my Aunt the Widow Court Yes he has brought a Message as comfortable to me as You must return to the place from whence you came and so forth is to a Malefactour at the Bar I may Hang Drown Burn Poyson Stab my self and be Damn'd before she 'll part with a Penny of Mony Ann. But cannot she be made to part with it why thou hast wit Court Yes and the Nation Gibbets what woud'st thou have me rob her Ann. No no my Dear I 'm not so weary of thee But will not the Law help Court Yes to undoe us the Law 't is oftner Debauch'd than Strumpets and foul Oppression thrust into its room Law was an Angel once and sent amongst us Made with â—eek Looks and all perswading Actions Its voice was not then loud but like a Virgins Which speaks all modesty and never rails But now by Mercinary Slaves and Bribes A Suit hangs longer than a Man in Chains Ann. Give me thy hand then Phill I have a trick without the help of Law or fear of Gibbits to over reach this Widow get thy Mortgage and make thee out of the Court fashion Court Get my Mortgage from the Widow Chymeras and Impossibilities Ann. Impossibilities Why is there any thing impossible to a Woman's Wit never despair by this hand I 'll get thee thy Lands releas'd