justly punished for it Your estate quoth Gribauldus is not so strange as you make it Iob was so farr gone that he complained God had set him as a mark against him and David that was a man after Gods own heart complained often that God had forsaken him and was become his enemy yet both received comfort again comfort your self therefore God will come at length though he now seem far off O Brother answered Spira I believe all this the divels believe and tremble but David was ever elected and dearly beloved of God and though he fell yet God took not utâ—erly away his holy Spirit and therefore was heard when he prayed Lord take not thy holy Spirit from mee but I am in another case being ever accursed from the presence of God neither can I pray as he did because his holy Spirit is quite gone and cannot be recalled and therefore I know I shall live in continual hardness so long as I live O that I might feel but the lest sense of the love of God to me though but for one small moment as I now feel his heavie wrath that burns like the torments of hell within mee and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable verily desperation is hell it self Here Gribauldus said I do verily believe Spira that God having so severely chastised you in this life correcteth you in mercy here that he may spare you hereafter and that he hath mercy sealed up for you in time to come Nay said Spira hence do I know that I am a Reprobate because he afflicteth me with hardness of heart O thâ—t my body had suffeâ—ed all my life long so that he would be pleased to release my soul and eâ—se my Conscience this burtheâ—ed Conscience Gribauldus being desirous to ease his mind from the continual meditation of his sin as also to sound how for the present he stood affected to the Romish Church asked him what he thought became of the soules of men so soone as they departed out of the body to which he answered Although this be not so fully revealed in Scripture yet I verily believe that the soules of the Elect go presently to the Kingdome of glory and not that they sleep with the body as some do imagine Very well said one of the spectators why do the Scriptures then say that God brings down to hell and raiseth up seeing it cannot be meant of the estate of the soul after death which as thou sayest either goeth to heaven without change or to hell without redemption it must be understood of the estate of the soul in this life like that wherein thou art at this present and oftentimes we see that God suffers men to fall into the jawes of despair and yet raiseth them up again and therefor despair not but hope it shall be even thus with thee in his good time This is the work quoth Spira this the labour for I tell you when I â—t Venice did first abjure my profession and so as it were drew an Indenture the spirit of God often admonisht mee and when at Cittadella I did as it were set to my seale the Spirit of God often suggested to me do not write Spira do not seal yet I resisted the Holy Ghost and did both and at that very present I did evidently feele a wound inflicted in my very will so although I can say I would believe yet can I not say I will believe God hath denied mee the power of will and it befalls mee in this my miserable estate as with one that is fast in irons and his friends comming to see him do pitie his estate and do perswade him to shake off his fetters and to come out of his bonds which God knows he would fain do but cannot this is my very case you perswade me to believe how fain would I do it but cannot O now I cannot Then violently grasping his hands together and raising himself up Behold said he I am strong yet by little and little I decay and consume and my servants would fain preserve this weary life but at length the will of God must be done and I shall perish miserably as I deserve rejoyce ye righteous in the Lord blessed are you whose hearts the Lord hath mollified Then after some pause It 's wonderful I earnestly desire to pray to God with my heart yet I cannot I see my damnation and I know my remedie is only in Christ yet I cannot set my self to lay hold on it such are the punishments of the damned they confess what I confess they repent of their loss of heaven they envie the Elect yet their repentance doth them no good for the cannot mend their waies As hee was thus speaking he observed divers flies that came about him and some lighted on him Behold said he non also * Belzebub comes to his banquet you shall shortly see my end and in mee an example to many of the Iustice and Iudgement of God About this time came in two Bishops with divers Schollers of the Vniversity one of them being Paulus Vergerius having observed Spira more then any other being continually conversant with him told him his estate was such as rather stood in need of prayer them advice and therefore desired him to pray with him in the Lords Prayer Spira consented and he began Our Father which art in heaven then breaking forth in to teards he stopped but they said it is well your grief is a good signe I bewaile said he my misery for I perceive I am forsaken of God and cannot call to him from my heart as I was wont to do yet let us go on said Vergerius Thy kingdome come O Lord said Sprit bring me also into this kingdome I beseech thee shut mee not out Then comming to those words Give us this day our daily bread headded O Lord I have enough and abundance to feed this carkeise of mine but there is another bread I humbly begge the bread of thy grace without which I know I am but a dead man Lead us not into temptation seeing Lord that I am brought into temptation help me Lord that I may escape the enemie hath overcome help me I beseech thee to overcome this cruel Tyrant These things he spake with a mournful voyce the teares trickling down abundantly and expressing such affection and passion as turned the bowels of those there present with grief and compunction they then turning to Spira said You know that none can call Christ Iesus the Lord but by the Holy Ghost you must therefore think of your self according to that soft affection which you express in your prayers inferring thereby that God hath not wholly cast you off or bereaved you of his Spirit utterly I perceive said Spira that I call on him to my eternal damnation for I tell you again it is a new and unheard of example that you find in mee If Iudas said they had but outlived his dayes which by nature hee might
said he that God will be mercifull to you Nay answered he for because I am in this ill estate therefore can I believe nothing but what is contrary to my salvation and comfort but you that are so confident of your good estate look that it be true for it is no such small matter to bee assured of sincerity a man had need be exceeding strongly grounded in the truth before he can be able to affirm such a matter as you now do It is not the performance of a few outward duties but a mighty constant labor with all intention of heart and affection with full desire and endeavour continually to set forth Gods glory there must be neither fear of Legates Inquisitors Prisons nor any death whatsoever many think themselves happy that are not it is not every one that saith Lord Lord that shall go to heaven They came another day and found him with his eyes shut as if he had been drouzie and very loath to discourse at which time there came in also a grave man from Cittadella who demanded of Spira if he knew him or not hee lifting up his eye-lids and not suddenly remembring him the man said to him I am Presbyter Antonie Fontamia I was with you at Venice some eight weeks since O cursed day said Spira O cursed day O that I had never gone thither would God I had then died Afterwards came in a Priest called Bernardinus Sardoneus bringing with him a book of Exorcismes to conjure this divell whom when Spira saw shaking his head he said I am verily perswaded indeed tnat God hath left me to thh power of the divels but such they are is are not to be found in your Letany neither will they be cast out by spells The Priest proceeding in his intended purpose with a strange uncouth gesture and a loud voyce adjured the spirit to come into Spira's tongue and to answer Spira deriding his fruitless labour with a sigh turned from him A Bishop being there present said to Spira brother God hath put vertue into the word and Sacraments and we have used the one meanes and find not that effect which we desire shall we try the efficacie of the Sacraments surely if you take it as a true Christian ought to receive the body and bloud of Christ it will prove a soveraign medicine for your sick soul This I cannot do answered he for they that have no right to the promises have no right to the seales the Euâ—harist was appointed onely for believers if we have not faith we eate and drink judgment to our selves I received it about a moneth since but I did not well in so doing for I took it by constraint and so I took it to my deeper condemnation Here Vergerius began to importune him earnestly to beware that he did not wilfully resist grace and put himself out of Heaven charging him vehemently by all the love that was between them by the love which he bare to his children yea to his own soul that he would set himself seriously to return to that faith and hope which once he had in the death of Christ with many such like words Spira having heard much of the like matter formerly and being somewhat moved said You do but repeate Vergerius what should I hope why should I believe God hath taken faith from me shew me then whither I shall go shew me a Haven whereto I shall retire you tell me of Gods mercy when as God hath cast me off you tell me of Christs intersession I have denied him you command me to believe I say I cannot you bring me no comfort your command is as impossible for me to obâ—y as to kâ—ep the Morall Law if you should perswade one to love God with all his heart soul and strength and God gives him not the power can he perform your desire doth not the Church teach us to sing direct us O Lord to love thy Commandements hypocrites say that they love God with all their heart but they lye for my part I will not lye but tell you plainly such is my case that though you should never so much importune mee to hope or believe though I desire it yet I cannot for God as a punishment of my wickedness hath taken away from me all his saving graces faith hope and all I am not the man therefore that you take me for belike you think I delight in this estate if I could conceive but the least spark of hope of a better estate hereafter I would not refuse to endure the most heavâ—e wâ—ight of the wrath of that great God yea for twenty thousand yeares so that I might at length attain to the end of that misery which I now know will be eternal but I tell you my will is wounded who longs more to beleeve then I doe but all the ground-work of my hope is quite gone for if the testimonies of holy Scripture be true as they are most certainly true is not this as true whosoever denies me before men him saith Christ will I denie before my Father which is in heaven is not this properly my case as if it had purposely been intended against this very person of mine and I pray you what shall become of such as Christ denieth seeing there is no other Name under heaven whereby you look to be saved what saith Saint Paul to the Hebrews it is impossible for those who were once enlightned and have tasted of the heavenly gift and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost if they fall away to be renewed to repentance what can be more plain against me Is not that Scripture also if we sinne wilfullly after we have received the knowledg of the truth there remaineth no more sacrifice for sin but a certain looking for of judgment the Scripture speaks of me Saint Paul meâ—hes me Saint Peter tell me it had been better I had not known the way of rightteousness then after I have known to turn from the holy Commandement it had been better I had not known and yet then my condemnation had bee most certain do you not see evidently that I have wâ—lfully denyed the known truth may justly expect not onely damnation but worse if worse may be imagined God will have mee undergoe the just punishment of my sin and make me an example of his wrath for your sakes The company present admired his discourse so grievously accusing himself of his fore-past life so gravely and wisely dilating concerning the judgments of God that they then were convinced that it was not frenzie or madness that had possessed him and being as it were in admiration of his estate Spira proceeded again in this manner Take heed to your selves it is no light or easie matter to bee a Christian it is not Baptisme or reading of the Scriptures or boasting of faith in Christ though even these are good that can prove one to be an absolute Christian you know what I said
before there must be a conformity in life a Christian must be strong unconquerable not carrying an obscure profession but resolute expressing the Image of Christ and holding out against all opposition to the last breath he must give all diligence by righteousness and holiness to make his calling and election sure many there are that snatch at the promises in the Gospel as if they undoubtedly did belong to them and yet they remaine sluggish and careless and being flattered by the things of this present world they pass in their course in quietness and security as if they were the onely happy men whom nevertheless the Lord in his providence hath ordained to eternal wrath as you may see in Saint Lukes Rich man thus it was with me therefore take heed Then came one of his Nephewes and offered him some sustenance which he disdainfully refusing so moved the young mans choler that he charged him with hypocrisie and dissimulation or frenzie to whom Spira gravely answering said You may interpret the matter as you will but I am sure I am not onely the Actor but the argument and matter of the Tragedy I would it were frenzie either fained or true for if it were fained I could put it off at pleasure if it were a reall frenzie yet there were some hope left of Gods mercie whereas now there is none for I know that God hath pronounced me an enemie and guilty of high Treason against his Majestie I am a cast-away a vassaile of wrath yet dare you call it dissembling and frenzy and can mock at the formidable example of the heavy wrath of God that should teach you fear and terror But it is natural to the flesh either out of malice or ignorance to speak perversly of the Works of God The natural man discerneth not of the things that are of God because they are spiritually discerned How can this be said Gribauldus that you can thus excellently discourse of the judgments of God and of the graces of his holy Spirit that you finde the want of them and earnestly desire them and yet you think you are utterly deprived of them Take this for certain said he I want the main grace of all and that which is absolutely necessary and God doth many times exâ—ort most true and strange testimonies of his Majesties justice and mercy yea out of the mouthes of very reprobates for even Judas after he had betrayed his Master was constrained to confess his sin and to justifie the innocency of Christ and therefore if I do the like it is no new or strange matter God hath taken faith from me and left me other common gifts for my deeper condemnation By how much the more I remember what I had and hear others discourse of what they have by so much the more is my torment in that I know what I want and how there is no way to be relieved Thus spake he the tears all the while trickling down professing that his pangs were such as that the damned wights in hell endure not the like misery that his estate was worse then that of Cain or Judas and therefore he desired to die Yet behold saith he the Scriptures are accomplished in me they shall desire to die and death shall flie from them And verily he seemed exceedingly to fear left his life should be drawn out to a longer thred and finding no ease or rest ever and anon cryed out O miserable wretch O miserable wretch then turning to the Company he besought them in this maner O Brethren take a diligent heed to your life make more account of the gifts of Gods Spirit then I have done learn to beware my misery think not you are assured Christians because you understand something of the Gospel take heed you grow not secure on that ground be constant and immoveable in the maintenance of your profession Confess even until death if you be called thereto He that loveth father mother brothers sisters sons daughters kinred houses lands more then Christ is not worthy of him These words said they do not found like the words of a wicked Reprobate I do but herein imitate said Spira the rich Glutton in the Gospel who though in hell yet was careful that his brethren should not come to that place of torment and I say to you Brethren take heed of this miserable estate wherein I am Then turning himself to certain young men that were present he desired them to conceive him aright I do not speak this to derogate from the certainty of saving faith and the promises of the Gospel for they are most sure but take heed of relying on that faith that works not a holy and unblameable life worthy of a believer credit me it will fail I have tryed it I presumed I had gotten the right faith I preached it to others I had all places of Scripture in memory that might support it I thought my self sure and in the mean time living impiously and carelesly behold now the judgments of God have overtaken me not to correction but to condemnation And now you would have me to believe but it will not be for I feel too late that good things belong only to such as are good whose sins are covered with Christs death and blood as with a vail and guarded with his righteous merits from the floud of Gods wrath even as with a mighty wall lest miserable mortals should be swallowed up with greatness of their sins But as for me I have as it were wilfully with mine hands pulled down this Rampire behinde which I might have rested in safety and now are the swelling waters come even to my soul and I am cast away One of his familiar friends chanced to say That certainly he was overcome with melancholly which being overheard Spira answered Well be it so seeing you will needs have it so for thus also is Gods wrath manifested against me in that he hath taken from me the use of mine Understanding and Reason so as I can neither rightly esteem and judg of my distemper nor hope of remedy You see Brethren what a dangerous thing it is to stop or stay in things that concern Gods glory especially to dissemble upon any tearms What a fearful thing is it to be neer and almost a Christian never was the like example to this of mine and therefore if you be wise you will seriously consider thereof O that God would let loose his hand from me that it were with me now as in times past I would scorn the threats of the most cruel Tyrants bear torments with invincible resolution and glory in the outward profession of Christ till I wear choaked in the flame and my body consumed to ashes You say you are desperate O Spira said they why then do you not strive with some weapon or other violently to make an end of your life as desperate men use to do Let me have a sword said Spira why what would you do