me betimes an hatred of what was evil and a love of what was good and I then dearly loved those that feared the Lord and spake of what was good but I could not delight in vain Company I was fearful to offend God c. It is good to set out and begin with God betimes I chose God when I was young and then my endeavour was to do what he commanded me and I was grieved when I slipped my greatest sorrow was for sin and nothing troubles me more now than that I ran no swifter then in the ways of God If my work was now to do and my evidences to seek what a sad condition was I in And if I had not spent more time for Heaven when I had time and health and strength it would even sink me now Thus this blessed Saint Remembred her Creatour in the days of her Youth Eccles 12.1 he had her golden age the prime of her Years the chief and choice of her days and who indeed should have these but God who is the best and chiefest of all And there was in her whilst a Child found some good thing towards the Lord God of Israel 1 Kings 14.13 and then even while young and tender she began to seek after the God of her godly Parents 2 Chron. 34.3 whose care it was to train her up betimes in the way she should go and she bare the yoke in her youth and so did not bear the reproach of her youth Lam. 3.27 Jer. 3.19 in neglecting then to do God service and to mind her everlasting concerns when was the chief time for it but had the comfort of her youth And this is Gods due the chief and choice of our days The first of the first fruits were to be offered to God Exod. 23.19 repeated 34 26. and youth is the time which of all times God does chiefly require and most delight in his Soul desires the first ripe fruit Micah 7.1 and early fruits are very acceptable c. God prizes the services of young ones and it exceedingly pleases him to see plants grown up even in their youth Psal 144.12 and he especially bespeaks young ones to give him the heart my Son give me thine heart c. Proverbs 23.26 So my Daughter you young ones c. and this is given as one Reason why that title my Son is so often used in the Book of Proverbs because God does there especially speak to young ones c. and we while young experiencing bounty and kindness from God there 's all the reason he should have duty and service from us Can we while we are young live without him And why therefore should we not then live unto him and as he is the guide of our youth so make him the God of our youth and truly our whole time is so short all our days so few but as an hands breadth Psal 39.5 that God may well have all and a poor pittance too for him who intends an eternity of felicity for us O how many have repented they began no sooner but who ever repented for beginning so soon And is it not safest to begin betimes is not youth the seasonning age And does not the vessel retain longest the savour of what it is first seasoned with When Children grow crooked at first while young they are hardly ever set straight again afterwards Few instances of old ones converted c. Besides old age says one is the time to spend grace Youth to get it old age to reap the fruit of Holiness youth to sow the seed of it and are not young ones in their youth dedicated and consecrated to God by virtue of their Baptism and is it not Sacriledg to impropriate the service of that to sin and Satan that is dedicated to God And do not young ones die as well as old and are there not Skulls in Golgotha of all sizes How many are taken away in the very prime of their days and flower of their age And young ones must appear before God at the great day of judgment as well as elder I saw the dead says John both small and great stand before God Rev. 20.12 they were all there c. And how well was it therefore for this precious Soul she began so soon 2. As concerning her sense of sin and sorrow for her soul-distempers THE distempers of my body trouble me and I am ready to complain because of pain but they do not sad me but the distempers of my soul they much sad me yea even sink me I am very much troubled with this body of sin and death and that I can do and receive no more good When I pray for health and the removing of the distempers of my Body then methinks I pray but slenderly in comparison but when I pray for the removing of the distempers of my Soul then I pray most earnestly so that when I have begun I know not how as it were to make an end yea I am so earnest in desiring God to cure the one that I am ready to forget to beg of him the cure of the other Sorrow for other things makes me sleep the more but when it is for sin I cannot sleep but the night is as the day Going once to a Lecture and hearing a Minister speaking of the signs of a Child of God and he answering a Christians complaint as concerning his sins But how says he dost thou wear them as a Gold chain or ornament or as an Iron chain and as Fetters that manacle thee and as that thou would'st fain be rid of c This though very sad and much troubled before so that she was loath to have gone What should such a one as I do going I shall but fill up room and do no good c. Yet this so comforted her that said she I even laughed for joy and though going late I stood all the while yet after that I was not weary I am much troubled at my unbelief impatiency And she being once in a special manner but tempted to a sin she had such an abhorrency thereof that it eaus'd her as she told me to shed a Thousand tears and it was as if a Sword had been run into her c. And how often did she complain not of her sikness but sius c 3. As concerning Satans temptations and his fierce onsets formerly WHen I was very young I had sometimes neglected prayer and I dream'd one night the Devil was pulling me to Hell and I trembled and quak'd and methoughts I was even at the Pits brink but some Scriptures comforted me and afterward to prevent the same I would get Scriptures by heart when I went to bed Satan hath often formerly much troubled me and I have been afraid of that roaring Lyon that when I went to sleep he would devour me but the Lord methoughts told me though he was mine enemy yet he was in Chains and so I have found him me thought I saw him at
inflict and as long as he pleas'd to afflict both injoying much inward peace and comfort and still fetching cordials out of Gods Word to keep them from fainting Both though their afflictions were heavy defired more the sanctifying of them than their removal and more that they might learn the Lessons God would teach by them than to be rid of them Both were unbottom'd off themselves and their own righteousness and cast their Souls wholly and only on Jesus Christ and his righteousness for life and salvation both as willing to take Jesus Christ as their Prophet to teach them as their King to govern them and subdue them to himself as their Priest to satisfie for them and reconcile them Both proved and tried as silver is tried went as it were through fire and water but now are brought out into a wealthy place Both such as had not their Ark to build when the flood came nor their graces comforts nor evidences to seek when they came to dye but had nothing then to do but to dye having made comfortable provision aforehand against an evil day and improved their time health and strength whilst they had it for the good of their souls Both walked in Heavens way and are now arrived at Heavens happiness both endured the Cross and now receive the Crown and their light afflictions which were but for a moment have but wrought for them a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory 4. Prayer and Meditation and former experiences I Have meditated often on this bed and have had much comfort in several evidences for Heaven and so have sweetly fallen asleep and sweetly awaked again When by reason of weakness I could not pray whilst up when I was in bed I spent a great time of the night in meditation and prayer and was sweetly refreshed And when I cannot speak I lye and think and meditate c. I have had clear evidences for Heaven and Gods loving-kindness hath shone clearly upon me though afterward they have been clouded I remember the days of Gods right hand c. I can truly say I have cryed to the Lord my God and he hath heard me in my distress and delivered me and oh that I could more and more honour him c. The Lord hath been very gracious to me though I have had castings down yet have I had liftings up the Lord hath supported me under great temptations of Satan and much sadness of heart by reason of the Churches sufferings c. 5. Heaven and the future happiness and glory If this earthly house of this tabernacle was dissolved I have a building of God an house not made with hands eternal in the heavens c. 2 Cor. 5 1. What a restless condition am I in When I am in bed then I would be up when up then in bed c. There remains a rest for the people of God Heb. 4.9 And he will carry me through the gates of Death and bring me to his everlasting rest The times of refreshing are coming on a pace c. I have a painful night but shall have a joyful morning I shall be in the embraces of my dear Redeemer there will be none of these tossings to and fro hereafter I shall rest quietly in the bed of the grave c. If the Lord will have me end my days in this condition with pains and weakness Heaven will pay for all there the weary are at rest Being under convulsions these says she are great shogs but God will carry me through them I am not afraid of death but shuck at these pains but who would not go through pains to such a place of rest In my fathers presence are fulness of joy c. Asking her how she did she said I shall be well anon meaning in Heaven And one telling her he hoped she might be better by such a time she replied she hoped so too being in Heaven I am now going and I verily believe I shall go to God I can't speak now I am very weak and low What a condition was I now in if I could not see beyond death and beyond the grave c I would be buried in such a place but no matter where God will raise up my dust again I am going to the heavenly Jerusalem to an innumerable company of Angels c. and into the bosom of my blessed Redeemer and what blessed company are these c One of her Daughters being in the Country and not returning at the time expected Tell her says she I shall meet her in a better place c. Thus the fore-sight and the fore-thoughts of the future glory comforted her under all her afflictions here and one minute now in Heaven makes amends for all her pain and misery here 15. As concerning her carnest desires to be dissolved c. IF the Lord sees good I would fain depart and leave this body of death when will God send his Messenger Is this the night I must depart hence O! what joyful news would that be another night Surely this is the night God will call me home Come Lord Jesus come quickly make kast make hast O my God when wilt thou come O when will that sweet day come I hope it is now nigh what a joyful time will that be to have a total victory over sin I am now going to be married and the Wedding-knot will be tied for everlasting When will my God come What a deal of do is here for my soul to get out of this carcass and how much a do have I to get loose But these shall meet again I earnestly desire earnestly desire to be clothed upon with that house which is from Heaven c. When will my Father send his Waggons to fetch me And telling her she was as a Ship at the Downs waiting for a fair Gale of Wind but when says she will that blessed Gale come And speaking to her of her going to Heaven to her Fathers House she replied she feared not yet Lord send me safe thither And when through weakness we could scarce understand what she said she breath'd home home home and seem'd troubled when any said they hoped she might recover again c. 16. As concerning the ends and reasons of her so earnest desires to be dissolved UPon serious consideration I found that the end why I desired to dye it was not to be freed of my pains or troubles but that I might be freed of sin and no more dishonour God and that I might injoy more of him and be no more discontented under his hand which I am sometimes ready to be I would fain go to Heaven and long to be in Heaven Why Because then I should be freed of Satans temptations and sin no more and that I might have more time to serve God and I am troubled I can have no more here but then I should do nothing but serve God c. And oh what a mercy and happiness would it be to
do that thou maist hold out the longer The loss and hindrance I have been to my family she meant by reason of her long sickness the Lord will make it up to thee and thy Children do but trust in him c. The Lord will direct thee what to do do not trouble thy self beforehand he will make thy way plain before thee She spake to those about her as followeth Make Religion your business walk with God get a Covenant-interest in Christ do not neglect secret prayer I have found much comfort in it prize the Word by which you may be saved hear it as often as possibly you can and hear it and do it Live comfortably and contentedly together It is good to store up Cordials and make provision against times of affliction To give all diligence to make our calling and election sure and we had need in times of health to provide for sickness and death and all little enough It is one thing to talk of death and another thing to be willing to dye c. I would have you all bless God when I am gone that I shall sin no more sorrow no more c. She said to one of her Grandchildren about four years old poor Child the Lord give thee a Covenant-interest in himself If I live I purpose to do my endeavour to teach thee to know God and love God and Jesus Christ but if I dye Sirs do you take care and let him not play on Sabbath-days let all his play-things behind c. To her Daughters Maid she said be instructing these poor Children learn them good things c. the Lord has a blessing in store for my Children and the little ones One of her Daughters being out of the Town and supposing she should see her no more Tell her says she I hope God will carry on the work he has begun and give her grace to fear him c. I would have her labour to get that good work finished and to eye God in all his dealings and to do his will to ask counsel of God for body and soul for temporal and spiritual affairs and let her trust in God Take heed c. God expects we should follow some employment here and not to fall upon business causes to grow melancholly and discontented there are many snares in living out of a calling An idle life is pleasing to the flesh to take no care nor pains but it will be sad afterward c. my dear Husband my dear Children but I can't speak now c. She prayed earnestly for her Husband Children little ones and for Gods Ministers c. I pray all the blessings of Heaven may be upon thee upon soul and body and that he would make up the want of all Relations by himself The Lord bless thee the Lord bless thee out of Sion and recompence all thy love to me a thousand-fold with his tender compassions The Lord prosper thee in the work of thy Ministry that thou maist win many souls to him The Lord make my Children truly gracious and comforts to thee The Lord give them grace and the shinings of his face and that will be better than the life of a Mother The Lord carry my Daughter Shayter who was then near her time through her great work and bless thee my Son and make my Daughter a blessing to thee and the Lord bless the little one and make it an Heir of Heaven one of Christs Lambs I leave my blessing and prayers for the little ones and you all One of her Grandchildren coming to her she said to him Farwell my Lamb my dear Lamb farwell farwell the Lord make thee a comfort to thy Mother And one of her Daughters being near her she prayed the Lord bless thee out of Sion and give thee an everlasting Covenant-interest in himself c. She prayed for Gods Ministers That he would spare their lives incourage them and bless their labours c. More particularly for Dr. Jacomb That God would bless him and his ministry and recompence all the good he had done her she much desired to see him once again who coming to her and praying with her his praiers and presence were very refreshing to her Towards her end she grew somewhat light-headed but still had excellent expressions and spake sensibly of God and the things of God she often cryed O my God O my God pity me O my God help me for thy mercies and compassious sake Remember me O my God how long yet O my God have mercy on me c. The day of my redemption draws nigh and I am now near home my God help me help faith c. The fear of death is taken away blessed be God and the Lord does comfort me and I am comforted within and am glad I am going home c. She spake a great deal more but we could not now well understand what she said Now the doors began to be shut in the streets as Solomon speaks how good is it to open them to purpose whiles we may and the daughters of musick to be brought low and those that look out of the windows to be darkned because she was near to her long home but blessed be God not an everlasting home December 13. she was under great pains and groan'd much and spake little neither could what she spake be understood but she often fixed her eyes stedfastly towards Heaven for some time together Afterward going to prayer by her and begging of God if he saw it good to release her c. she lift up her eyes and one of her hands toward Heaven and the other hand being in one of her Daughters hands she pluck'd it out and lift up that also both eyes and hands with great earnestness and intenseness unto Heaven where her soul was now near entring I was with her that night till about twelve or one of the Clock and not knowing how to bear it to stay with her any longer I then went with a sad heart away from her not expecting to see her here any more alive but blessed be God I enjoyed her so long so truly pious prudent loving tender careful saithful and dearly affectionate Wife but though I departed from her I left her with him whose Angels were now waiting ready to transport her soul into the bosom of her blessed Redeemer But one of her Daughters remained still with her to the last which was not long after I was gone away her Daughter could not get her spirit willing at first to promise to bless God if he would take her to himself But when God had once brought her to be willing she soon after about two a Clock in the morning December 14 1678 expired and went triumphingly to Heaven an entrance being ministred to her abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of her dear Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ And thus she is now entred into peace and is taken away and secured from the evil to come she is passed from