to get as much time from sleep as the health and strength of my body will permit and because I am confident that if the damned were in their natures changed and were to live again on earth they would think it a blessed change to change their howlings into singing of Psalms and their roarings into Prayers nay if they were to live Methuselahs age upon the rack Therefore whensoever I am at any time tempted to be weary of this labour of love that is to be undertaken in the hardest duties of religion I will endeavour to shame my self out of that temptation by thinking thus with my selfe that hell is so much worse then we can suffer in this world either in Gods service or for Gods service that it were not only a desperate wickedness but madness for the avoiding of the one to fall into the other For the conclusion of this Meditation observe the Directions and Instances of former Meditations MEDITAT VII Of Heaven 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray to God to assist and enable thee in the work Considerations 1. Consider O my soul the wonderfull greatness and incomprehensibleness of those joys For 1. Consider what great things God hath given to wicked men in this work what vast dominions power wisedom learning majesty and indeed as to the things of the world as much as their hearts can desire if God gives such things to Doggs and Swine what may we think are the dainties of that banket which God feasts his children withall 2. Behold the earth and the Heavens in the height of the beauty of the Spring and in the strength of the glory of the Sunne how delightfull a sight is it to behold the works of Gods Creation here below the commonness of this sight much abates the delight and wonder of it but doubtless if a man that were born blind should when he had attained to the full perfection of his age and understanding be placed in a Paradise as Adam was and should see as soon as his eyes were opened the earth adorned with all manner of curious flowers and trees laden with all manner of fruits and the Sunne shining in its full strength how wonderfully delightfull would such a sight be and if the footstool of God be so rich how glorious is his throne 3. Consider the wonderfull manifestations and joyes that God hath bestowed upon his people in this life they are unspeakable and glorious Some have cried out Lord either withhold thy comforts or enlarge the vessel for I am not able to bear my joys We read of Daniel that the manifestations that God gave him drunk up his spirit and made him sick some dayes after Dan. 8.27 Such joys have been so great that they have sweetned the bitterest persecutions they have made them clap their hands for joy in the midst of flames and cry out in the ravishment of their spirits O ye Papists you talk of miracles but here is a miracle I am in the midst of these flames as in a bed of Roses But alas what are the joys that God communicates to his people in this life they are but as the drop of the bucket to the whole Ocean the Apostle tells us that it doth not appear what we shall be We would give if we had it a thousand worlds one would give all to enjoy these spiritual sanctifying ravishment of spirit one day If these then are so sweet what are those things that thou hast lay'd up for them that love thee 4. Consider that God hath prepared these joyes on purpose to glorifie his goodness and power and wisedom in preparing joys for his people worthy of his magnificence and love he doth it for that end that he may be glorified and admired in all his Saints and what cannot infinite power and wisedom and what will not infinite love and goodness do when they set themselves to prepare an entertainment and to bestow a reward that may set forth their greatness What do Kings do in such cases that which is accounted a feast amongst mongst poor people is a rich mans fast If the strength of this consideration were drawn forth it would wonderfully affect us 2. Consider wherein these joys consist for the negative part of them There will be no sickness no pain no death no temporal misery or imperfection nay there shall be no sinne no temptations nor corruptions no desertions no imperfections of graces or duties or comforts What would a poor soul give to be delivered from this body of sinne and death there we shall see God cleerly fully everlastingly there our enjoyments shall be incomprehensible our union wonderfull and inseparable and all shall be eternal What a world of difference is there betwixt a dead carcass and the same body when he liv'd when it is dead it is sensless gastly filthy how beautifull how active how many rare endowments had it when it liv'd and all these proceeded from the union of the soul with it and if the soul which is but a poor creature by its union doth communicate such rare things to the body what do we imagin will be communicated both to the body and the soul when God shall be more neerly united to them then they are one to another when they shall be made more capable of receiving and God will be more abundant in communicating Affections and Resolutions 1. Admire the love and goodnesse of God O blessed God from the beginning of the world men have not perceived by the hearing of their ear nor have they seen with their eyes nor have any understood save only thou O God what thou hast prepared for them that love thee how hast thou commended thy love to us that we are thy Sons but it doth not yet appear what we shall be O the length and breadth and height and depth of thy love that cannot be known Lord what are our duties or what are our persons that thou shouldst so highly reward them and us our best righteousnesse is as filthy rags and for us we are worms nay a generation of vipers Is it not enough that thou dost not shake us off from thine hand of providence into hell fire but that thou shouldst lay such Vipers in thy hosome and warm us with thy love Is it not enough for thee to forgive us our rebellions but that thou shouldst give us such blessings were it not a miracle of bounty and goodnesse for thee to bid us seriously to consult and think what to ask of thee and thou wouldst give it us though it were to the half of thy Kingdom but that thou shouldst set thy wisedom on work in preparing and thy liberality in bestowing such incomprehensible rewards that we could neither ask nor think but as farre as the heaven is above the earth so are thy thoughts of love above our thoughts For thee to give thy Kingdom thy Christ thy self these are acts of goodnesse that art infinitely above
so generally neglected by the peo-ple of God Ans It hath been practised by the people of God both in Scripture as is proved and it is evident that the Psalmes of David are frequently nothing but Meditations though not in this method and by many in our daies 2. It being a private Closet-duty the omission nor performance of it could be taken notice of and so the omission of it could not be reproved nor performance observed 3. The Directions and Instructions for Meditation have been generally very abstruse and intricate CHAP. III. Preparatory Directions concerning some Circumstances belonging to Meditation 1. FOR the place that must be private remote from company and noise Isaac went into the fields our Saviour into a garden and David wisheth us to enter into our Chamber and be still Psa 4.4 and our Saviour bids us enter into our Closet and shut the door the place must be such as must be remote from noise and company or any thing which might distract us in the duty and such a place that we may not be interrupted or forced to break off before the duty be ended it must be also private and remote from the observation of others so that we may neither be heard nor seen because there are divers gestures and expressions which are not convenient for any one but God and ones own soul to be privy to Which of those places you finde to be most advantagious to you in the matters of Meditation you may choose 2. For the Time when The best is in the morning 1. Because it is the first-fruits of the day and the first-fruits being holy all the rest are sanctified 2. Because our thoughts being then not soyled with worldly businesse will not be so subject to be distracted 3. Because the body it self is more serene then after meals and this duty needs an empty stomack not only because the head will be more clear and fit for Meditation but also because many passages of Meditation require so much intention of the minde and servency of affection that they do hinder digestion 4. Because that it being in the morning will have an influence upon the whole day but this is not an universall rule for we reade that Isaac went forth in the evening to meditate Gen. 24.63 and in case the subject of your Meditation be a Sermon then if it may be the best time is immediatly after the hearing of it before your affections cool or your memory fail you 2. For the how long considering the parts of Meditation are so many viz. preparation considerations affections resolutions c. and none of them are to be past slightly over for affections are not quickly raised nor are we to cease blowing the fire as soon as ever it begin to flame until it be well kindled half an hour may be thought to be the least for beginners and an hour for those that are versed in this duty But there are two rules in this particular especially to be observed 1. That as we ought not to leave off our praiers before that temper and frame of heart is wrought which is sutable to the matter of our prayers viz. we should not leave off the confession of sinne till our hearts are made sensible of and humble for our sinnes nor should we leave off our praises until our hearts are filled with holy admirings and adorings of God and inflamed with his love So the end of Meditation being affections and resolutions we should not leave off until those are wrought 2. As in private prayer so long as we finde our hearts enlarged by the pourings of the Spirit of Supplication upon us we are not to leave off unlesse by our continuance in that duty we must omit another duty to which we were more particularly obliged at that time So in Meditation as long as we finde the heart affected we are to continue it But this Caution must be given that in such enlargements we must not continue them longer generally then while they come freely and without much straining and compulsion for that honey that comes freely of it self from the comb is pure but that which is forced by heat and pressure is not so well rellished but this Caution is for extraordinary enlargements for if the heart be dead we must use all means to awaken it But as fire must be blown till it be well kindled but afterwards blowing hinders the boyling of any thing that is set over it So when once our hearts are inflamed and enlarged with holy affections in an extraordinary manner 't is but a hinderance to our affections to return to the Meditation of those Points that raised them CHAP. IV. Rules for the Subject The Division of and Reasons for this Method of Meditation 1. BY no means let it be Controversie for that will turn Meditation into Study 2. Nor nice speculations for they be saplesse without nourishment besides being so light they float in the brain having no weight to sink them down into the heart and indeed were they there they have nothing in them to affect the heart withall 3. Let the Subject of Meditation be the plainest powerfullest and usefullest Truths of God as death hell heaven judgement mercies of God our own sinnes the Love and Sufferings of Christ c. 4. Let the Subject of your Meditation be that that is most sutable to your spirituall wants as in the time of desertion meditate most of the love and mercies of God c. Rules for Meditation it self they are of three sorts 1. Preparatory 2. For the body of the duty 3. For the Conclusion Two things by way of preparation besides the choice of the Subject the first is to be convinced of and to be affected with the presence of God The second is praier for assistance from God 2. For the body of Meditation it self it consists of three parts The first I call Consideration which is nothing but the convincing our hearts of severall Truths that belong to that Subject whereof we meditate As as if the subject of our Meditation be death the considerations may go thus alas O my Soul how and when and where we shall die we know not generally men die sooner then they expect and certain it is whensoever that hour comes we must bid adieu to honours pleasures riches friends and at last our own bodies c. The second part is affections whether it be love of God or Christ or spirituall things despising of the world admiring of God or any other spiritual affection The third part are Resolutions to doe this or that or leave this or that Now that this is the most proper and genuine way of Meditation appears by this 1. Because it is not artificiall and such as requires Learning as those Directions are which wish us to consider the efficient finall formall materiall cause of death the adjuncts concomitants c. which though they may somewhat help the learned yet such hard words and artificial
me and lie in my bosome and rise in the morning more strong then at night Ah when my former holy life shall be more terrible then others wicked lives When my former prayers shall be like the gall of Aspes unto me when those duties which should be my comfort are my terrour Alas what can my poor soul do when my present sins and my past duties which of them are the heaviest burthen unto me I do not know what shall I do When I consider these things then the thoughts of the affliction that lies upon me makes me weep a tear or two and my vain heart my deceitfull heart would perswade me that I weep for my sins Those in desertion are in a blessed condition to me they are sad and I am miserable I am guilty of that which their consciences do but accuse them of Alas have I lost my communion with God my sweet communion and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almost that I praied for now I can pray and pray and pray and go away without a blessing I can almost be content to be wicked Thou knowest mine heart or else my tears would deceive thee as well as me If they are worldly thoughts that have estranged me from thee thou knowest how to cure me If mine utter impoverishings will cure me let me be as poor as Job If thou wast not such a Physician as thou art I was past thy cure Meditat. III. Lord I am come now to pour out my soul before thee and my tears into thy bosome to tell thee the sad thoughts and sorrows of my heart Ah my God In this bitternesse of my soul and with tears in mine eyes and pride in my heart and sencelesnesse upon my spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poison in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier then I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadnesse as then of joy after those times as those after the Floud My joys and the acts and workings of my grace grew very short-lived in comparison of what they were before Then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now Before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weaknesse it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for want of sorrow but now like a man that hath groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown sencelesse can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spirituall condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confesse or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should adde to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth almost tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am It is as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul yet since by my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have lesse time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay somewhat at all Christians upon daies of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such sighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict Communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts and yet stay but whilest he hath done his praier and you finde in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straitly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What we would say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations sin and hell and Satan all beset us all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to Heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to help this poor soul In the Ministery of the Word tels us
carnal tears and one great cause of my grief and part of my misery is that I can weep no more sometimes indeed tears stand in mine eyes when I consider these things Lord give me faith O give me faith I feel a deal of Atheism in mine heart Mine heart is so full of corruption of all kinde and all degrees that I can feel no bottome of this stinking ditch Mine Imaginations is divers times a through-fare for Satans blasphemous thoughts which my soul abhors I may even sit down and spend the remainder of my wicked life in weeping and wailing and wringing of my hands and tearing off the hairs of my head My sad soul may say to my God Art thou quite gone from me have all my hopes of thee been as dreams and empty shadows unto me and hast thou shown me so much of heaven and wilt thou make hell more terrible and bitter to me Shall thy sweet mercies be turned into the gall of Aspes to me not only to be bitter but deadly I have cause I have cause Lord to mingle my drink with my tears to water my couch with weeping Thou art too great a God to be dallied withall and what do I else As our dearest Friends though we never so much delighted in their company while they were living yet we are afraid to be alone with them they are a terronr to us after the souls have left their earthly Tabernacles So my praiers while they were living praiers were a great comfort to my poor soul but now my praiers are without life and my supplications are dead they are a terrour to me they look gashly upon me and I upon them Meditat. XII My dear God thouart not moved with words if we had the tongue of Men and Angels if we could speak as never man spake if our hearts meant no more then they do what would our vain words do I am ever weary of my life because of my corruptions I can go no where nor do any thing but my corruptions follow me and tire me even out of my patience O that I could weep over my soul and weep over my praiers to see how dead they are which way to turn I know not I have praied a thousand times for another heart and yet mine heart is as hard as a stone and so full of hypocrisie that there is a world of hypocrisie in my confessions of hypocrisie Lord shall I cast away my confidence and lay down my weapons and put off mine armour because my corruptions are so strong and impetuous and deaden my very soul But alas what am I weary of not of my sinnes but of the accusations of my conscience that will not let me alone Blessed be thy Name that I am troubled that I do not live holily and yet I will strive to live holily Lord mine heart is ertangled in the snares of the world Blessed Saviour thou which hast overcome the world deliver me from the cares and love of the world Alas what good do my tears do me Dost thou bottle up such tears such puddle water in thy bottles Let the bowels of thy compassion yern within the towards my poor soul It is full of sin but my sinne is my sorrow though my sorrow it self is sinful if thou standest as a stranger to me I must give over my self for lost then I may say farewell praiers better to say farewell then to adde to my former sins a greater guilt by defiling my praiers that are as the Chariots to carry out my soul into the bosome of God What am I to stand against corruption or temptations I am no more able to overcome nay to resist them then to remove Mountains I have sinned away my comforts and sinned away my joys and sinned away mine hopes and even my God if thy mercies be not greater and what remains for my poor soul to do but to sit down in sorrow and even to mourn until my soul be heavy unto death It had been better for me that I had not been one to shew the way to others Nay but oh my God that is best for me that thou hast done for me Blessed God do but make me thine Meditat. XIII Alas Oh my soul may not I justly spend the remainder of my daies in sighing to perceive my good God from whose sweet presence I have in former times had so much grace and comfort to be such a stranger now to men and what is worse mine heart so senselesse of his absence The time hath been when myheart hath almost bled within me to think what a miserable condition I should be in if ever it should come to passe that it should be thus Lord why dost thou absent thy self from my poor soul if I were in a desertion of comforts I were in a farre better condition but to be in a desertion of graces and not to be troubled is a sad condition Me thinks I see my stock of grace grow weaker and weaker and more and more to languish as one that is dying the pulse grows weaker and weaker until at last it be no moee O Lord what to say I do not know alas I cannot but call and cry and pray Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor miserable speechlesse sinner Lord If thou wilt that I may overcome Lord I cannot get mine heart to be content to be damned and indeed since then I must eternally be separated from thee I do not desire to get mine heart to be content but to struggle against it as long as I am able Meditat. XIV To have Satan and corruption come and beset me as soon as I awake and to follow me all the day long and to go to bed with me and to keep me waking to have no respite is a sad condition When I should awake with my God my good God who kept me and watched over me whilst I slept to have Satan stand ready and hold his temptations before mine eyes which way soever I look and to prevail so far with me as at last to make me scarce to hate the sin he tempts me to I feel in my spiritual part an utter abhorring of the sinne I would give ten thousand worlds rather then commit the sinne and yet I have much ado to refrain alas can my secure soul live Meditat. XV. I am in such a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God and when I go about to grieve sorrow is far from me nay the grief which sometimes I feel is not strong enough to conquer the temptation when tears stand in mine eyes to consider the miserable condition of my soul in being so prone to sin the temptation encreaseth To hear one of thy servants groaning under thy hand and then to stand parlying with temptation and not rather be afraid that the same affliction c. Lord I am in thy hand for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me I must bear it and I would bear it patiently
this dulnesse and deadnesse of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I set apart for speciall service of thee And their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwaies with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord It is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible trurh and let all the world give thee the glory of it All thy waies are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us and so we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of comng to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to write in bloud or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her childe It is not Can a childe forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her childe Lord do thoo awaken mine heart for it is asleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that celestial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last I shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuffe of a candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stanch What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to say to my God Lord thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an adulterer defile a woman and she cry not out then she shall be put to death Lord infidelity hypocrisie and vain-glory are come to undoe me to defile my soul and they have almost perswaded my soul not to cry out to be ravisht is a great affliction but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination If I cry to men for succour if I go to Ordinances alas the adulterer is a strong man he hath locked the doors of my soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord doe not stand knocking at the door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor soul corruption and corruption and sin after sin will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas methinks I look upon my poor soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a wave and carries it with violence among the midst of the rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it is dasht in peeces and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be my soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a man astonisht and as a mighty man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewell all my duties farewell all my graces and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my tongue Must I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine own doctrine Lord I am a poor miserable man and a more miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these daies of ignorance and sin will not alwaies last when my change comes I shall no more sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the grave behinde me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my soul and hinder my flight come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me enough enough my soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joys sometimes I have to think of thee tears for my sinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead man arraied with all the richest clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadnesse then there is comfort in the multitude of them this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatsoever one looks but up-Christ yet Christ is not sweet unto me my dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetnesse I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetnesse of this Truth that all things are dross and dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is mine estate mine health mine life my liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in spirituall affections all my daies now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to humane learning it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull because they prove such strange things
then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the treasures of wisedom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a learned man yet accounted all things as drosse and dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of severall godly Persons I know of the abundant sweetnesse in Christ I have recourse to that small experience I have had of the sweetnesse and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have nott at this present the powerful and ravishing feelings of Christs excellency yet assuring my self all these waies whereby I fully do assent to that truth that It is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not mine undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst finde to hinder the granting of this Request thou maist finde enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me bâ—t Lord if thou shouldst give me this knowledge of them I might doe great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in heaven and earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and duties if thou should not set in I would pity the soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in such continual storms and troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of the fire of hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have mine heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my praiers may be as an arrow-drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my Petitions my thoughts of thy glory and goodnesse slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second If I kept but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwaies to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee farre more then we are and if we knew thee more how should we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more for thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwaies be with God since he gives us leave how gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the immaculate bloud of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my duties Lord even at this present how when my soul was so troubled that mine eyes were ready to weep there comes a thought of a poor worldly businesse into my soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how carelesse am I in thy service how very carelesse how long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vilenesse that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousnesse Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune thee by all the merits of my dear Saviour pray thee to look upon me in mercy When the poor wounded man that went from Jerusalem to Jeriche lay half dead and speechlesse in the way though he was not sensible of his own misery yet the good Samaritan was though his tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their mouths wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his very heart wept bloud at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded man am I so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my praiers but according to my wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousnesse it is the greatest misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of death to me it is not so much for want of faith as holinesse and indeed I finde that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will faith in that case help me without holinesse for faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holinesse Oh how full of peace and joy is my soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how carelesse am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of my studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God Why do I call thee dear When I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst not be more nor canst be lesse how easie Lord is it for thee to change my heart mine heart of stone for an heart of flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any cheerfulnesse or any constancy Lord hear my praier Meditat. XXV O blessed God If the way of thy providence be such that thou wilt