and joyes that God hath bestowed upon his people in this life they are unspeakable and glorious Some have cried out Lord either with-hold thy comforts or enlarge the Vessel for I am not able to bear my joys We read of Daniel that the Manifestations that God gave him drunk up his Spirit and made him sick some dayes after Dan. 8. 27. Such joyes have been so great that they have sweetned the bitterest persecutions they have made them clap their hands for joy in the mid'st of flames and cry out in the ravishment of their spirits O ye Papists you talk of miracles but here is a miracle I am in the midst of these flames as in a bed of Roses But alas what are the joyes that God communicates to his people in this life they are but as the drop of the bucket to the whole Ocean the Apostle tells us that it doth not appear what wâ— shall be We would give it we had it a thousand worlds one would give all to enjoy these spiritual sanctifying ravishments of spirit one day If these then are so sweet what are those things that thou hast laid up for them that love thee 4. Consider that God hath prepared these joyes on purpose to glorifie his goodness and power and wisdom in preparing joyes for his people worthy of his magnificence and love he doth it for that end that he may be glorified and admired in all his Saints and what cannot infinite power and wisdom and what will not infinite Love and Goodness do when they set themselves to prepare an entertainment and to bestow a reward that may set forth their greatness what do Kings do in such cases that which is accounted a Feast amongst poor people is a rich mans fast If the strength of this consideration were drawn forth it would wonderfully affect us 2. Consider wherein these joys consist for the negative part of them There will be no sickness no pain no death no temporal misery or imperfection nay there shall be no Sin no Temptations nor corruptions no Desertions no imperfections of Graces or Duties or Comforts What would a poor 〈…〉 from this body of Sin and Death there we shall see God clearly fully everlastingly there our enjoyments shall be incomprehensible our union wonderful and inseparable and all shall be eternal What a world of difference is there betwixt a dead Carcass and the same body when he liv'd when it is dead it is sensless gaâ—â—ly filthy how beautiful how active how many rare endowments had â—â— when it liv'd and all these prâ—ceeded from the union of the soâ—â— with it and if the soul which but a poor creature by its union doth communicate such rare things to the body what do we imagin will be communicated both to the body and the soul when God shall be more neerly united to them then they are one to another when they shall be made more capable of receiving and God will be more abundant in communicating Affections and Resolutions 1. Admire the love and goodness of God O blessed God from the beginning of the World men have not perceived by the hearing of the ear nor have they seen with their eyes nor have any understood save only thou O God what thou hast prepared for them that love thee how hast thou commended thy love to us that we are thy Sons but it doth not yet appear what we shall be O the length and breadth and hâ—igth and depth of thy love that cannot he known Lord what are our duties or what are our persons that thou shouldest so highly reward them and us our best righteousness is as filthy rags and for us we are worms nay a generation of Vipers Is it not enough that thou dost not shake us off from thine hand of providence into Hell fiâ—e but that thou shouldest lay such Vipers in thy bosome and warm us with thy love Is it not enough for thee to forgive us our rebellions but that thou shouldest give us such blessings were it not a miracle of bounty and goodness for thee to bid us seriously to consult and think what to ask of thee and thou wouldest give it us though it were to the half of thy Kingdom but that thou shouldest set thy wisdom on work in preparing and thy liberality in bestowing such incomprehensible reward that we could neither ask no think but as far as the heaven is above the earth so are thy thoughts of love above our thoughts For thee to give thy Kingdom thy Christ thy self these are acts of goodness that are infinitely above us yet worthy of thee that delightest to magnifie thy goodness that rejoycest over thy people as the Bridegroom rejoyceth over his Bride Despise the World What are the things of this World O my Soul what is there here to be desired but Sin and Misery Snares and Temptations Vanity of vanities and vexation of Spirit one hours communion with God and the joyes of the holy Ghost that he hath given to his people in this world are worth more then the world can know of Why do we spend our strength and money for that which is not bread and our labours for that which doth not satisfie O vain world God hath out bidden thee thou offerest trifles he offers me Heaven for my love and service though my love be unworthy too little for him yet it is too much too good for thee 3. Long for and breathe after Heaven As the Hartpanteth after the Water-books so panteth my Soul after thee O God My Soul thirsteth for God for the living God when shall I come and appear before God when shall I be delivered from my absence from thee and from mine ignorance of thee Make hast O my beloved and be thou like a Roe or a young Hart upon the Mountains of Spices The Spirit sath Come and the Bride saith Come and the Bridegroom sath Surely I Come quickly even so come Lord Jesus come quickly 4. Encourage and stir up thy felt to the love and service of God Come O my Soul Let us be steadfast and unmovable alwayes abounding in the work of the Lord forasmuch as we know that our labour is not in vain in the Lord Let us not be weary of well doing nor of the labour of love for we shall reap if we faint not We have known and in some measure endeavoured to serve God thus many years were it not a sad thing for the want of continuing one year one month it may be but one week or one day more I should lose all my hopes and expectations of glory God forbid O my Soul Let us encourage our selves in the Lord we are not kept by our own but by the mighty power of God through Faith to Salvation and be thou assured of this that the first minute thou art in Heaven thou shalt have such full measure pre'st down heapt up and running over that thou shalt break forth in the Songs of joy and praise to
it being in the morning will have an influence upon the whole day but this is not an Universal Rule for we read that Isaac went forth in the Evening to Meditate Gen. 24. 36. and in case the subject of your Meditation be a Sermon then it may be the best time is immediately after the hearing of it before your affections cool or your memory fail you 2. For the how long considering the parts of Meditation are so many viz. Preparation Considerations Affections Resolutions c. and none of them are to be past slightly over for Affections are not so quickly raised nor are we to cease blowing the fire as soon as ever it beginneth to flame until it be well kindled half an hour may be thought to be the least for beginners and an hour for those that are versed in this Duty But there are two Rules in this Particular especially to be observed 1. That as we ought not to leave off our prayers before that temper and frame of heart is wrought which is suitable to the matter of our prayers viz. we should not leave off the confession of sin till our hearts are made sensible of and humble for our sins nor should we leave off our praises until our hearts are filled with holy admirings and adorings of God and inflamed with his love So the end of Meditation being affections and resolutions we should not leave off until those are wrought 2. As in private Prayer so long as we finde our hearts enlarged by the pourings of the Spirit of Supplication upon us we are not to leave off unless by our continuance in that duty we must omit another duty to which we were more particularly obliged at that time So in meditation as long as we find the heart affected we are to continue it But this Caution must be given that in such enlargements we must not continue them longer generalâ—y then while they come freely and without much straing and compulsion for that hony that comes freely of it self from the Comb is pure but that which is forced by heat and pressure is not so well relished but this Caution is for extraordinary enlargements for if the heart be dead we must use all means to awaken it But as fire must be blown till it be well kindled but afterwards blowing hinders the boyling of any thing that is set over it So when once our hearts are inflamed and enlarged with holy affections in an extraordinary manner 't is but a hindrance of our affections to return to the Meditation of those Points that raised them CHAP. VI. Rules for the Subject of Solemn Meditation 1. BY no means let it be Controversie for that will turn Meditation into Study 2. Nor nice Speculations for they be sapless without nourishment Besides being so light they float in the brain having no weight to sink them down into the heart and indeed were they there they have nothing in them to affect the heart withall 3. Let the Subject of Meditation be the plainest powerfullest and usefullest Truths of God as Death Hell Heaven Judgement Mercies of God our own sins the Love and Sufferings of Christ c. 4. Let the Subject of your Meditation be that that is most suitable to your Spiritual wants as in time of desertion meditate most of the love and mercies of God c. Rules for meditation it self they are of three sorts 1. Preparatory 2. For the body of the Duty 3. For the Conclusion Two things by way of preparation besides the choice of the Subject the first is be convinced of and to be affected with the presence of God The second is Prayer for assistance from God 2. For the body Meditation it self It consists of three parts The first I call Consideration which is nothing but the convincing our hearts of several Truths that do belong to that Subject whereof we Meditate As if the Subject of our Meditation be Death the Considerations may go thus Alas O my Soul how and when and where we shall die we know not generally men die sooner then they expect and certain it is whensoever that hour comes we must bid adieu to honors pleasures riches friends and at last our own bodies c. The second part is affections whether it be love of God or Christ or spiritual things despising of the world admiring of God or any other spiritual affection The third part are Resolutions to do this or that or leave this or that Now this is the most proper and genuine way of Meditation appears by this 1. Because it is not artificial and such as requires Learning as those Directions are which wish us to consider the efficient final formal material cause of death the adjuncts concomitants c. which though they may somewhat help the learned yet such hard words and artificial methods fright the ignorant â— This is the very method of those Meditations by which every one that is brought home to God is converted For the first thing in conversion is our being convinced of some Truths which conviction raiseth affections for if the truths of God end in conviction and go no no further nay if they end in affections only and never come to resolutions of shunning evil and doing good conversion can never be perfected as for example One is convinced that he is a miserable undone wretch by reason of Original and Actual abomination Upon this conviction fear and sorrow are raised yet if these do not work in us a firm resolution of leaving those sins we are yet in our sins and unconverted 3. There are several things for the concluding of Meditation as shall appear CHAP. VII Directions for the working of our hearts to be convinced of and affected with the presence of God FOR being convinced of and affected with the presence of God it may thus be wrought 1. We are to consider that God is present every where as truly really and essentially as he is in Heaven For God did not create Heaven to continue still but to manifest his presence for the Heaven of Heavens are not able to contain him for God is neither included by nor excluded from any place and though Jacob saith Surely the Lord was in this place and I knew it not Gen. 28. 16. yet we must not imagine that Jacob was ignorant of that Truth but did not actually consider it but David in the 139 Psalm is clear in explaining and clearing up the omnipresence of God 2. We must consider that God doth more peculiarly observe his people while they are performing of heavenly duties whether it be while they are speaking unto him or he speaking unto them he doth then more especially observe the motion and frame of their hearts as when we are in any company we do more especially look upon and observe those to whom we speak or who speak to us yet this is to be understood not as if God did observe us more at one time then another in respect
in my heart and sencelesness upon my Spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poyson in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier than I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadness as then of joy after those times as those after the Flood my joyes and the acts and workings of my grace grace grew very short liv'd in comparison of what they were before then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weakness it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful Garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for sorrow but now like a man that groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown senceless can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest Musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor Soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick Soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these dry bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen Heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spiritual condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my Corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confess or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should add to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth alwayes tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am it is a Talent of lead upon my soul yet since my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have less time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor Soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay some what at all Christians upon dayes of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such fighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts And yet stay but whil'st he hath done his prayer and you find in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience it and makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straightly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What should we say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations Sin and Hell and Satan all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to helpt his poor Soul in the Ministery of the Word tells us what we should do to overcome these enemies and sending many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us we will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of â—he world to come O thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and hear and sigh and confess these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost not thou see how sin and corruption do as it were lye gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the World what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodness because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtless I shall not go so swiftly down the stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alass is it come to this O my soul
for me that thou hast done for me Blessed God do but make me thine Meditat. XIII In the most serious addresses of my Soul to take hold upon God I find an unhappy frozenness benum the best of my Devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extreamly ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse sensless of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of Humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am guilty of but especially because such Duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not soften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon Duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled than before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these Corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest Corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy Fatherly goodness I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely Murmure and be weary of the Chastisment of the Lord it may be I shall pray for the taking off of that Corrosive before it hath eaten away that deadness of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yield to such prayers go on with thy Cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption I shall bless thee one day for not hearing and not granting such prayers as shall be for my spiritual harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no Root of bitterness in me if I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. XIII Alas Oh my soul may not I justly spend the remainder of my dayes in sighing to perceive my good from whose presence I have in former times had so much grace and comfort to be such a stranger now to me and what is worse mine heart so sensless of his absence The time hath been when my heart hath almost bled within me to think what a miserable condition I should be in if ever it should come to pass that it should be thus Lord why dost thou absent thy self from my poor soul If I were in a desertion of comforts I were in a far better condition but to be in a desertion of Graces and not to be troubled is a sad condition Me thinks I see my stock of grace grow weaker and weaker and more and more to languish as one that is dying the pulse grows weaker and weaker until at last it be no more O Lord what to say I do not know alas I cannot but call and cry pray Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor Miserable speechless Sinner Lord if thou wilt that I may overcome Lord I cannot get my heart to be content to be damned and indeed since then I must eternally be separated from thee I do not desire to get mine heart to be content but to struggle against it as long as I am able Meditat. XIV To have Satan and Corruption come and beset me as soon as I awake and to follow me all the day long and go to bed with me and to keep me waking to have no respite is a sad condition When I should awake with my God my good God who kept me and watched over me whil'st I slept to have Satan stand ready and hold his Temptations before mine eyes which way soever I look and to prevail so far with me as at last to make me scarce to hate the sin he tempts me to I feel in my Spiritual part an utter abhorring of the Sin I would give ten thousand Worlds rather than commit the Sin and yet I have much ado to refrain alas can my secure soul live Meditat. XV. I am in such a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God and when I go about to grieve sorrow is far from me nay the grief which sometimes I feel is not strong enough to conquer the temptation when tears stand in mine eyes to consider the miserable condition of my Soul in being so proâ—e to Sin the Temptation encreaseth To hear one of thy servants groaning under thy hand and then to stand parlying with temptation and not rather be afraid that the same affliction c. Lord I am in thy hand for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me I must bear it and I would bear it patiently nay Lord though this Temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am two weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my Companion instead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchedness of it thou hast more glorious Creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the Devils to confess thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a World would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my Soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetness in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thy image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me when my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may find thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in Heaven I had enough enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor case there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had
that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuff of a Candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stench What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to lay to my God Lord. Thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an Adulterer defile a Woman and she cry not out then he shall be put to death Lord Infidelity Hypocrisie and Vain-glory are come to undo me to defile my Soul and they have almost perswaded my Soul not to cry out To be ravished is a great affliction but to embrace the Adulterer is an abomination If I cry to Men for succour if I go to Ordinances Alas the Adulterer is a strong Man he hath locked the Doors of my Soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord do not thou stand knocking at the Door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the Doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor Soul Corruption after Corruption and Sinne after Sinne will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas me thinks I look upon my poor Soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among Rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a Wave and carries it with violence amongst the mid'st of the Rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken Man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it was dasht in pieces and all fain to get upon broken pieces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be My Soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a Man astonish't and as a Mighty Man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewel all my Duties farewel all my Graces and all my Comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my Tongue Mast I have no more Comforts but what poor Creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my Damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine owne Doctrine Lord I am a poor Miserable Man and a more Miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these dayes of ignorance and sin will not alwayes last when my change comes I shall nomore sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the Grave behind me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul and hinder my flight Come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my Soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me for my Soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joyes sometimes I have to think of thee Tears for my sins are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater Measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead Man arrayed with all the Richest Clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the Duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadness then there is comfort in the Multitude of them this I know by experience yet Christ is not sweet unto me My dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetness I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetness of this Truth That all things are Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is Mine Estate Mine Health My Life My Liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in Spiritual affections all my dayes now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to Humane Learning it was wonderful delightful to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To read the Mathematicks was wonderful delightful because they prove such strange things then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the Treasures of Wisdom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a Learned Man yet accounted all things as Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of several godly persons I know of the abundant sweetness and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have not at this present the power and ravishing feelings of Christs Excellency yet assuring my self all these wayes whereby I fully do assent to that truth That it is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not my undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst find to hinder the granting of this request thou maist find enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me But Lord if thou shouldest give me this knowledge of them I might do great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in Heaven and Earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and Duties if thou shouldst not set in I would pity the Soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in
such continual storms troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of of the fire of Hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have my heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my prayers may be as an Arrow drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my petitions my thoughts of thy Glory and Goodness slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second it I keep but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwayes to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee far more then we are and if we knew thee more how shoould we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more For thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwayes be with God since he gives us leave How gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the Immaculate blood of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am Mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my Duties Lord even at this present how when my â—oul was so troubled that mine 〈…〉 were ready to weep there 〈◊〉 a thought of a poore worldly business into my Soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly Matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how careless am I in thy service how very careless How long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest Misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vileness that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousness Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my Soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune the Merits of my dear Saviour I pray thee to look upon me in Mercy When the poor wounded Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho lay half dead and speechless in the way though he was not sensible of his Misery yet the good Samaritan was though in his Tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their Mouthes wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his heart wept blood at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded Man I am so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my Miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my Prayers but according to My Wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousness it is the greatest Misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of Death to me is it not so much for want of Faith as holiness and indeed I find that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will Faith in that case help Me without holiness for Faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holiness Oh how full of peace and joy is my Soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how careless am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of My Studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my Soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God! Why do I call thee dear when I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand Worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst be no more nor canst be no less how easie Lord is it for thee to change My Heart Mine heart of Stone for an Heart of Flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any chearfulness or any constancy Lord hear my prayer Meditat. XXV O blessed God if the way of thy Providence be such that thou wilt not give so much Grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my prayer be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least less holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my Manifold Sins I should I but Lord I would not thy Mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have Mercy upon me I am like the Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion if I could bewail my sinful Misery with tears of Repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh saint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee Alas what canst thou do for me more or less then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodness am I come unto a soul full of sadness and empty of goodness To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my Soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodness when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any
are gone out that were once kindled in me All the Fruit and Leaves and Boughs are stript from me there are all things to doe beside bare regeneration I am as an arm cut off so that it hangs only by a little skin a slender thread Lord this is my hope that my Corruptions and Satan that have quenched these flames that I have had shall never be able to quench this spark But alas that is a poor comfort that this is all my comfort that I shall not lose heaven though it be a thousand times too great a comfort for such a wretched sinner as I am to have It it nothing to lose all my comforts all my duties all my sweet Communion with thee or at least only so much of these remains as to keep me from being utterly cast off For one that had fared deliciously every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and Soul together though he dies not yet he hath a miserable life Thus thus and far worse it is with me Meditat. IX I. I stood clear before thee O my God of those many sins of sencelesness under judgements fruitlesness under Ordinances mispending of time want of watchfulness of mine one wayes and for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ Only my sins of unkindness to the Lord Jesus Christ were enough to cause thee to take away thy Mercies from me I have heard and read the great Mystery of my Redemption of his being Scourged and Crowned and Nailed of his Bleeding and Dying for me of his great love and such things that if a Friend of this world had done or suffered the thousandth part so much his memory would have been precious Meditat. X. Ah my dear God thou hast been my God and therefore thou art my God how little can my Soul know by any thing that I now either do or feel I am fain to fetch Evidences and signs from actions done many years since My prayers and other holy Duties were Matter of more joy when I did them than now they have terrour in them Now I think I do them not as heretofore I have been assisted by thy grace Oh my lost Joyes and my lost Duties where I shall find you I know not the Joyes I had formerly and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray but now not out of feeling and zeal but for zeal and joy and I go from prayer with a sad heart and a hard heart My prayers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart Oh my Lord Jesus Christ where are thy Motions and the Joyes of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me Why do I walk in this Valley of Tears not only without comfort but without grace I do even stand astonisht at my self to see the vast difference between my self now and when I was thine When the Candle of the Almighty shone upon my Soul and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me then sorrow and weeping flew away Alas I now have scarce any thing left me but carnal tears and one great cause of my grief and part of my misery is that I can weep no more sometimes indeed tears stand in mine eyes when I consider these things Lord give me Faith O give me Faith I feel a deal of Atheism in my heart Mine heart is so full of Corruption of all kind and all Degrees that I can feel no bottom of this stinking Ditch Mine imagination is divers times a through-fare for Satans blasphemous thoughts which my Soul abhors I may even sit down and spend the remainder of my wicked life in weeping and wailing and wringing of my hands and tearing off the hairs of my head My sad Soul may say to my God Art thou quite gone from me have all my hopes of thee been as dreams and empty shadows unto me and hast thou shown me so much of heaven and wilt thou make hell more terrible and bitter to me Shall thy sweet Mercies be turned into the Gall of Aspes to me not only to be bitter but deadly I have cause I have cause Lord to mingle my drink with my tears to water my couch with weeping Thou art too great a God to be dallyed withall and what do I else As our dearest Friends though we never so much delighted in their company while they were living yet we are afraid to be alone with them they are a terrour to us after the Souls have left their Earthly Tabernacles So my prayers while they were living prayers were a great comfort to my poor soul but now my prayers are without life and my Supplications are dead they are a terrour to me they look gashly upon me and I upon them Meditat. XI My dear God thou art not moved with words if we had the tongue of Men and Angels if we could speak as never man spake if our hearts meant no more than they do what would our vain words do I am ever weary of my life because of my Corruptions I can go no where nor do any thing but my coruptions follow me and tire me even out of my patience O that I could weep over my prayers to see how dead they are which way to turn I know not I have prayed a thousand times for another heart and yet mine heart is as hard as a stone and so full of hypocrisie Lord shall I cast away my confidence and lay down my weapons and put off mine armour because my corruptions are so strong and impetuous and deaden my very soul But alass what am I weary of not of my sins but of the accusations of my conscience that will not let me alone blessed be thy Name that I am troubled that I do not live holily Lord mine heart is entangled in the snares of the world blessed Saviour thou which hast overcome the world deliver me from the cares and love of the world Alass what good do my tears do me Dost thou bottle up such tears such puddle water in thy bottles let the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee towards my poor soul. it is full of sin but my sin is my sorrow though my sorrow itself is sinful if thou standest as a stranger to me I must give over my self for lost then I may say farewell prayers better to say farewel then to add to my former sins a greater guilt by defiling my prayers that are as Chariots to carry out my soul into the bosome of God What am I to stand against corruption or temprations I am no more able to overcome nay to resist them than to remove Mountains I have sinned away my joyes and sinned away mine hopes and even my God if thy mercies be not greater and what remains for my poor soul to do but to sit down in sorrow and even to mourn until my Soul be heavy unto Death It had been better for me that I had not been one to shew the way to others Nay but Oh my God that is best