me betimes an hatred of what was evil and a love of what was good and I then dearly loved those that feared the Lord and spake of what was good but I could not delight in vain Company I was fearful to offend God c. It is good to set out and begin with God betimes I chose God when I was young and then my endeavour was to do what he commanded me and I was grieved when I slipped my greatest sorrow was for sin and nothing troubles me more now than that I ran no swifter then in the ways of God If my work was now to do and my evidences to seek what a sad condition was I in And if I had not spent more time for Heaven when I had time and health and strength it would even sink me now Thus this blessed Saint Remembred her Creatour in the days of her Youth Eccles 12.1 he had her golden age the prime of her Years the chief and choice of her days and who indeed should have these but God who is the best and chiefest of all And there was in her whilst a Child found some good thing towards the Lord God of Israel 1 Kings 14.13 and then even while young and tender she began to seek after the God of her godly Parents 2 Chron. 34.3 whose care it was to train her up betimes in the way she should go and she bare the yoke in her youth and so did not bear the reproach of her youth Lam. 3.27 Jer. 3.19 in neglecting then to do God service and to mind her everlasting concerns when was the chief time for it but had the comfort of her youth And this is Gods due the chief and choice of our days The first of the first fruits were to be offered to God Exod. 23.19 repeated 34 26. and youth is the time which of all times God does chiefly require and most delight in his Soul desires the first ripe fruit Micah 7.1 and early fruits are very acceptable c. God prizes the services of young ones and it exceedingly pleases him to see plants grown up even in their youth Psal 144.12 and he especially bespeaks young ones to give him the heart my Son give me thine heart c. Proverbs 23.26 So my Daughter you young ones c. and this is given as one Reason why that title my Son is so often used in the Book of Proverbs because God does there especially speak to young ones c. and we while young experiencing bounty and kindness from God there 's all the reason he should have duty and service from us Can we while we are young live without him And why therefore should we not then live unto him and as he is the guide of our youth so make him the God of our youth and truly our whole time is so short all our days so few but as an hands breadth Psal 39.5 that God may well have all and a poor pittance too for him who intends an eternity of felicity for us O how many have repented they began no sooner but who ever repented for beginning so soon And is it not safest to begin betimes is not youth the seasonning age And does not the vessel retain longest the savour of what it is first seasoned with When Children grow crooked at first while young they are hardly ever set straight again afterwards Few instances of old ones converted c. Besides old age says one is the time to spend grace Youth to get it old age to reap the fruit of Holiness youth to sow the seed of it and are not young ones in their youth dedicated and consecrated to God by virtue of their Baptism and is it not Sacriledg to impropriate the service of that to sin and Satan that is dedicated to God And do not young ones die as well as old and are there not Skulls in Golgotha of all sizes How many are taken away in the very prime of their days and flower of their age And young ones must appear before God at the great day of judgment as well as elder I saw the dead says John both small and great stand before God Rev. 20.12 they were all there c. And how well was it therefore for this precious Soul she began so soon 2. As concerning her sense of sin and sorrow for her soul-distempers THE distempers of my body trouble me and I am ready to complain because of pain but they do not sad me but the distempers of my soul they much sad me yea even sink me I am very much troubled with this body of sin and death and that I can do and receive no more good When I pray for health and the removing of the distempers of my Body then methinks I pray but slenderly in comparison but when I pray for the removing of the distempers of my Soul then I pray most earnestly so that when I have begun I know not how as it were to make an end yea I am so earnest in desiring God to cure the one that I am ready to forget to beg of him the cure of the other Sorrow for other things makes me sleep the more but when it is for sin I cannot sleep but the night is as the day Going once to a Lecture and hearing a Minister speaking of the signs of a Child of God and he answering a Christians complaint as concerning his sins But how says he dost thou wear them as a Gold chain or ornament or as an Iron chain and as Fetters that manacle thee and as that thou would'st fain be rid of c This though very sad and much troubled before so that she was loath to have gone What should such a one as I do going I shall but fill up room and do no good c. Yet this so comforted her that said she I even laughed for joy and though going late I stood all the while yet after that I was not weary I am much troubled at my unbelief impatiency And she being once in a special manner but tempted to a sin she had such an abhorrency thereof that it eaus'd her as she told me to shed a Thousand tears and it was as if a Sword had been run into her c. And how often did she complain not of her sikness but sius c 3. As concerning Satans temptations and his fierce onsets formerly WHen I was very young I had sometimes neglected prayer and I dream'd one night the Devil was pulling me to Hell and I trembled and quak'd and methoughts I was even at the Pits brink but some Scriptures comforted me and afterward to prevent the same I would get Scriptures by heart when I went to bed Satan hath often formerly much troubled me and I have been afraid of that roaring Lyon that when I went to sleep he would devour me but the Lord methoughts told me though he was mine enemy yet he was in Chains and so I have found him me thought I saw him at
inflict and as long as he pleas'd to afflict both injoying much inward peace and comfort and still fetching cordials out of Gods Word to keep them from fainting Both though their afflictions were heavy defired more the sanctifying of them than their removal and more that they might learn the Lessons God would teach by them than to be rid of them Both were unbottom'd off themselves and their own righteousness and cast their Souls wholly and only on Jesus Christ and his righteousness for life and salvation both as willing to take Jesus Christ as their Prophet to teach them as their King to govern them and subdue them to himself as their Priest to satisfie for them and reconcile them Both proved and tried as silver is tried went as it were through fire and water but now are brought out into a wealthy place Both such as had not their Ark to build when the flood came nor their graces comforts nor evidences to seek when they came to dye but had nothing then to do but to dye having made comfortable provision aforehand against an evil day and improved their time health and strength whilst they had it for the good of their souls Both walked in Heavens way and are now arrived at Heavens happiness both endured the Cross and now receive the Crown and their light afflictions which were but for a moment have but wrought for them a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory 4. Prayer and Meditation and former experiences I Have meditated often on this bed and have had much comfort in several evidences for Heaven and so have sweetly fallen asleep and sweetly awaked again When by reason of weakness I could not pray whilst up when I was in bed I spent a great time of the night in meditation and prayer and was sweetly refreshed And when I cannot speak I lye and think and meditate c. I have had clear evidences for Heaven and Gods loving-kindness hath shone clearly upon me though afterward they have been clouded I remember the days of Gods right hand c. I can truly say I have cryed to the Lord my God and he hath heard me in my distress and delivered me and oh that I could more and more honour him c. The Lord hath been very gracious to me though I have had castings down yet have I had liftings up the Lord hath supported me under great temptations of Satan and much sadness of heart by reason of the Churches sufferings c. 5. Heaven and the future happiness and glory If this earthly house of this tabernacle was dissolved I have a building of God an house not made with hands eternal in the heavens c. 2 Cor. 5 1. What a restless condition am I in When I am in bed then I would be up when up then in bed c. There remains a rest for the people of God Heb. 4.9 And he will carry me through the gates of Death and bring me to his everlasting rest The times of refreshing are coming on a pace c. I have a painful night but shall have a joyful morning I shall be in the embraces of my dear Redeemer there will be none of these tossings to and fro hereafter I shall rest quietly in the bed of the grave c. If the Lord will have me end my days in this condition with pains and weakness Heaven will pay for all there the weary are at rest Being under convulsions these says she are great shogs but God will carry me through them I am not afraid of death but shuck at these pains but who would not go through pains to such a place of rest In my fathers presence are fulness of joy c. Asking her how she did she said I shall be well anon meaning in Heaven And one telling her he hoped she might be better by such a time she replied she hoped so too being in Heaven I am now going and I verily believe I shall go to God I can't speak now I am very weak and low What a condition was I now in if I could not see beyond death and beyond the grave c I would be buried in such a place but no matter where God will raise up my dust again I am going to the heavenly Jerusalem to an innumerable company of Angels c. and into the bosom of my blessed Redeemer and what blessed company are these c One of her Daughters being in the Country and not returning at the time expected Tell her says she I shall meet her in a better place c. Thus the fore-sight and the fore-thoughts of the future glory comforted her under all her afflictions here and one minute now in Heaven makes amends for all her pain and misery here 15. As concerning her carnest desires to be dissolved c. IF the Lord sees good I would fain depart and leave this body of death when will God send his Messenger Is this the night I must depart hence O! what joyful news would that be another night Surely this is the night God will call me home Come Lord Jesus come quickly make kast make hast O my God when wilt thou come O when will that sweet day come I hope it is now nigh what a joyful time will that be to have a total victory over sin I am now going to be married and the Wedding-knot will be tied for everlasting When will my God come What a deal of do is here for my soul to get out of this carcass and how much a do have I to get loose But these shall meet again I earnestly desire earnestly desire to be clothed upon with that house which is from Heaven c. When will my Father send his Waggons to fetch me And telling her she was as a Ship at the Downs waiting for a fair Gale of Wind but when says she will that blessed Gale come And speaking to her of her going to Heaven to her Fathers House she replied she feared not yet Lord send me safe thither And when through weakness we could scarce understand what she said she breath'd home home home and seem'd troubled when any said they hoped she might recover again c. 16. As concerning the ends and reasons of her so earnest desires to be dissolved UPon serious consideration I found that the end why I desired to dye it was not to be freed of my pains or troubles but that I might be freed of sin and no more dishonour God and that I might injoy more of him and be no more discontented under his hand which I am sometimes ready to be I would fain go to Heaven and long to be in Heaven Why Because then I should be freed of Satans temptations and sin no more and that I might have more time to serve God and I am troubled I can have no more here but then I should do nothing but serve God c. And oh what a mercy and happiness would it be to
I she replied better than she I am a poor worthless worm She said of her Silk-Gown it was but the work of a worm to cloath a worm c. As she lived privately she desired to be buried privately When Servants proved bad she would reflect upon her self and say I have not my self been to God so good a Servant as I should and ought to have been c. When others sin I am willing to reflect on my self and look back into mine own heart and there to see the same sin And speaking of Mercies and Blesings she would often say if my sins do not hinder I was willing to do good to the poor and such as stood in need I often thought I might spare this and that and the other that so I might distribute to such c. Indeed her expressions carriages behaviours and converses were still such as savoured of humility and abundantly evidenced the same and that she was not only humble but clothed with humility as the Apostle Peter exhorts 1 Pet. 5.5 she was humility all over it was her wear her garment and her great ornament too Oh! what low thoughts had she of her self and what vilifying and abasing expressions would she have of her self when she shone brightest in the eyes and aspect of others She was dark and obscure as to her self truly poor in spirit preferring others before her self but the more despicable she was in her own eyes the more precious no doubt she was in Gods eyes there being no grace which more recommends us to God than humility as there is no vice more abominable than pride God had richly adorn'd her with the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit which is in the sight of God of so great price 1 Pet 3.4 9. As concerning her firm trust and affâ—ance in God in her affliction SHE having a very sick night when she was in greatest extremity she said Though he kill me yet will I trust in him and this she often said And the Lord hath helped me and will help me my God hath and will strengthen me Though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil c. There is a dark Entry to go through Death but God shall carry me through it And God will send his Angels to conveigh my soul to Heaven And I know my Redeemer liveth and that I shall live with him there where he now intercedes at Gods right hand for poor creatures for me also c. The Lord has does and will comfort me he is an Almighty Alsufficient and Unchangeable God he once said so to me when I was ready to despair c. He is my rock my fortress my high tower c. I am like a Ship sometimes under the waves but it appears again I would cast all my cares and burdens upon the Lord and I would that all that fear him would do so and if not they will bear the shame and reproach thereof My time seems to tarry and when in extremity I am ready to say how â—ong but the time appointed for deliverance and times of refreshing will come c. Waiting on God truly it is that which I earnestly desire to be always doâ—ng and that with delight Oh! that we could look up to him and wait on him and make him our heaven and happiness who is the heaven and happiness of his people The Lord delighteth in those that fear him in those that hope in his mercy Psal 147.11 10. As concerning her whole reliance on Jesus Christ alone for Life and Salvation I Rest and rely wholly and only on Jesus Christ my dear sweet Saviour Advocate and Mediator I see nothing in my self to trust in but I bless God I have good hope through Jesus Christ I have indeavoured in times of health to build on that Rock that when storms came I might be born up My Redeemer hath perfected my peace in Heaven and is now in Heaven making intercession for me I am a poor worm I have nothing but in Christ I have all justification by his merit sanctification by his spirit and he hath purchased for me eternal Life and Salvation Asking her if she did not find much comfort within she answered I do blessed be God in and through Jesus Christ who gave himself a ransom for me About him I will clasp and will not let go Having once been speaking to me of Gods gracious dealings with her and what God had wrought in her and what comfortable evidences she had for Heaven after all I said to her My Dear dost rest in these Rest No no I rest only on Jesus Christ and if I perish I 'le perish in his arms I 'le lye at his feet at his feet But I speak of these as some poor weak evidences but though weak yet true I dare not belye my own soul I could not speak of these to others but only to thee my Dear my Heart my Self and I speak of them not as boasting but I desire thy approbation and I hope God will not cast me off but gather me to himself and come life come death it shall be well with me Being asked what she would have She answered Jesus Christ and him alone And indeed affliction sanctified makes to see emptiness in every thing but in Jesus Christ in the enjoyment of whom is full satisfaction and who is a Christians all and in all and in whom alone he is compleat Col. 3.11 2.10 11. As concerning her earnest desires of the good of the souls of her Children I Would willingly live to bring up my Children and if I could but see Christ form'd in them then I could say Lord now lettest thou thy poor servant depart in peace I travel in birth again as it were of my Children till Christ be formed in them I exceedingly desire the good of their souls and I am almost impatient of delay as I go up and down I say Lord when shall it once be and how shall I see the destruction of their souls and bodies both When shall I have real cause of joy She formerly weeping over one of her little ones was asked why she wept she answered because I would fain live to bring it up in the fear of the Lord c. One of her Daughters formerly being very sick and weak oh how sollicitous was she of her eternal welfare how earnestly did she breathe out her desires for her that the good Lord would have pity and compassion on her and that he would please to fit her for himself and that if he took her out of this miserable sinful world he would take her to himself in whose presence is fulness of joy c. and oh that when ever he takes her out of my poor bosom he would take her into his own The good Lord help me to discharge my duty to all my relations She thus once declar'd her self to one of her daughters I would have you labour to be very good be