Streets which did not yet hinder but that he had still the Ayr and Appearance of one that deserv'd much Honour and Respect Good Father said I to him why should you envy me my Enjoyments Pray'e let me alone and do not trouble your self with me or my doings You 're past the pleasure of Life your self and can't endure to see other people merry that have the world before them Consider of it you are now upon the point of leaving the world and I am but newly come into 't But 't is the Trick of all Old men to be carping at the Actions of their Iuniors Son said the old man smiling I shall neither hinder nor envy thy Delights but in pure pity I would fain reclaim Thee Do'st thou know the Price of a Day an hour or a Minute Did'st ever examine the value of Time If thou had'st thou would'st employ it better and not cast away so many blessed Opportunities upon Trifles and so Easily and Insensibly part with so inestimable a Treasure What 's become of thy past hours have they made thee a Promise to come back again at a Call when thou hast need of them Or can'st thou show me which way they went No No They are gone without Recovery and in their Flight methinks Time seems to turn his Head and laugh over his shoulder in Derision of those that made no better use of him when they had him Do'st thou not know that all the Minutes of our life are but as so many Links of a Chain that has Death at the End on 't and every Moment brings thee nearer thy Expected End which perchance while the word is speaking may be at thy very door And doubtless at thy rate of Living it will be upon thee before thou art aware How stupid is He that Dyes while he Lives for fear of Dying How wicked is He that Lives as if He should never Dye and only fears Death when he comes to feel it which is too late for comfort either to Body or Soul And He is certainly none of the Wisest that spends all his days in Lewdness and Debauchery without considering that of his whole Life any Minute might have been his last My Good Father said I I am beholding to you for your Excellent Discourses for they have deliver'd me out of the Power of a Thousand Frivolous and Vain Affections that had taken possession of me But who are You I pray'e And what is your Business here My Poverty and These Rags quoth he are enough to tell ye that I am an honest man a Friend to Truth and one that will not be Mealy-Mouth'd when he may speak it to Purpose Some call me the Plain-Dealer Others the Vndeceiver General You see me all in Tatters Wounds Scars Bruises And what is all This but the Requital the World gives me for my Good Counsel and Kind Visits And yet after all this endeavour to get shut of me they call themselves my Friends though they Curse me to the Pit of Hell as soon as ever I come neer them and had rather be hang'd then spend one Quarter of an hour in my Company If thou hast a Mind to see the World I talk of come along with me and I 'l carry thee into a place where thou shalt have a full Prospect of it and without any Inconvenience see all that 's in 't or in the People that dwell in 't and look it through and through What 's the Name of this place quoth I. It is call'd said he The Hypocrites Walk and it crosses the World from one Pole to t'other It is large and Populous for I believe there 's not any man alive but has either a House or a Chamber in 't Some live in 't for altogether Others take it only in Passage for there are Hypocrites of several sorts but all Mortals have more or less a Tang of the Leaven That fellow there in the Corner came but to'ther day from the Plow-Tayl and would now fain be a Gentleman But had not he better pay his Debts and walk alone then break his Promises to keep a Laquay There 's another Rascal that would fain be a Lord and would venture a Voyage to Venice for the Title but that He 's better at building Castles in the Air then upon the Water In the mean time he puts on a Nobleman's Face and Garb he swears and Drinks like a Lord and keeps his Hounds and Whores which 't is fear'd in the end will devour their Master Mark now that piece of Gravity and Form He walks ye see as if he mov'd by Clock-work His words are few and Low He makes all his Answers by a Shrug or a Nod. This is the Hypocrite of a Minister of State who with all his Counterfeit of Wisdom is one of the veriest Noddies in Nature Face about now and mind those Decrepit Sots there that can scarce lift a Leg over a Threshold and yet they must be Dying their Hair Colouring their Beards and playing the young fools again with a Thousand Hobby-horse Tricks and Antick Dresses On the other side Ye have a Compaâ—y of Silly Boys taking upon them to govern the world under a Vizor of Wisdom and Experience What Lord is That said I in the Rich Clothes there and the fine Laces That Lord quoth he is a Taylor in his Holy-day Clothes and if He were now upon his Shop-bord his own Scissers and Needles would hardly know him And you must understand that Hypocrisy is so Epidemical a Disease that it has laid hold of the Trades themselves as well as the Masters The Cobler must be saluted Mr. Translater The Groom names himself Gentleman of the Horse The fellow that carries Guts to the Bears writes One of his Majesty's Officers The Hangman calls himself a Minister of Iustice. The Mountebank an Able man A Common Whore passes for a Courtisan The Bâ—wd acts the Puritan Gaming Ordinaries are call'd Academies and Bawdy-houses Places of Entertainment The Page stiles himself the Child of Honour and the Foot-boy calls himself My Lady's Page And every Pick-Thank names himself a Courtier The Cuckold-maker passes for a Fine Gentleman and the Cuckold himself for the best natur'd Husband in the World And a very Ass commences Master-Doctor Hocus Pocus Tricks are call'd Slight of Hand Lust Friendship Vsury Thrift Cheating is but Gallantry Lying wears the Name of Invention Malice goes for Quickness of Apprehension Cowardice Meekness of Nature and Rashness carryes the Countenance of Valour In fine this is all but Hypocrisy and Knavery in a Disguise for Nothing is call'd by the right Name Now there are beside these certain General Appellations taken up which by long Usage are almost grown into Prescription Every little Whore takes upon her to be a Great Lady Every Gown-man to be a Counseller Every Huffe to be a Soldat Every Gay thing to be a Cavalier Every Parish-Clerk to be a Doctor and Every writing-Clerk in the Office must be call'd Mr
such as had ever in their Mouths God is Merciful and will pardon me How can this be said I that these people should be Damn'd When Condemnation is an Act of Iustice not of Mercy I perceive you are simple quoth the Devil for half these you see here are condemn'd with the Mercy of God in their Mouths And to Explain my self Consider I pray'e how many Sinners are there that go on in their Wayes in spight of Reproof and Good Counsel and still this is their Answer God is Merciful and will not damn a Soul for so small a Matter But let them talk of Mercy as they please so long as they persist in a Wicked Life we are like to have their Company at last By your Argument said I there 's no trusting to Divine Mercy You mistake me quoth the Devil for every good Thought and Work flows from that Mercy But This I say He that perseveres in his Wickedness and makes use of the Name of Mercy only for a Countenance to his Impieties does but Mock the Almighty and has no Title to that Mercy For 't is vain to expect Mercy from above without doing any thing in order to it It properly belongs to the Righteous and the Penitent and they that have the most of it upon the Tongue have commonly the least thought of it in their Hearts And 't is a great Aggravation of Guilt to Sin the more in Confidence of an Abounding Mercy It is True that many are receiv'd to Mercy that are utterly Unworthy of it which is no wonder since No man of himself can deserve it But men are so Negligent of seeking it betimes that they put that off to the last which should have been the first part of their bus'ness and many times their Life is at End before they begin their Repentance I did not think so Damn'd a Doctor could have made so good a Sermon And there I left him I came next to a Noysome Dark hole and there I saw a Company of Dyers all in Dirt and Smoke intermixt with the Devils and so alike that it would have posed the subtlest Inquisitor in Spain to have said which were the Devils and which the Dyers There stood at my Elbow a strange kind of Mungrel Devil begot betwixt a Black and a White with a Head so bestuck with Little Horns that it look't at a Distance like a Hedg-hog I took the Boldness to ask him where they quarter'd the Sodomites the Old Women and the Cuckolds As for the Cuckolds said He they are all over Hell without any Certain Quarter or Station and in Truth 't is no easie matter to know a Cuckold from a Devil for like kind Husbands they wear their Wives favours still and the very same Head-pieces in Hell that they wore living in the world As to the Sodomites we have no more to do with them then needs must but upon all Occasions we either Fly or Face them for if ever we come to give them a Broad-side 'T is ten to one but we get a Hit betwixt Wind and Water and yet we fence with our Tayls as well as we can and they get now and then a Flap o're the Mouth into the Bargain And for the Old women we make them stand off for we take as little pleasure in them as you do And yet the Jades will be persecuting us with their Passions and ye shall have a Bawd of five and fifty do ye all the Gamboles of a Girl of fifteen And yet after all this There 's not an old Woman in Hell for let her be as old as Pauls Bald Blind Toothless Wrinckled Decrepit This is not long of her Age shee 'l tell you but a Terrible Fit of sickness last year that fetch 't off her Hair and brought her so low that she has not yet recover'd her flesh again She lost her Eyes by a Hot Rheum and utterly spoil'd her Teeth with Cracking of Peach-stones and Eating of Sweet-meats when she was a Maid And when the Weight of her Years has almost brought both Ends together 'T is nothing shee 'l tell ye but a Crick she has got in her Back And though she might recover her Youth again by confessing her Age shee 'l never acknowledge it My next encounter was a Number of People making their mone that they had been taken away by sudden Death That 's an Impudent Lye cry'd a Devil saving this Gentleman's presence for no man dyes suddenly Death surprizes no man but gives all men sufficient warning and Notice I was much taken with the Devil's Civility and Discourse which he pursu'd after this manner Do ye complain says He of sudden Death that have carry'd Death about ye ever since you were Born That have been entertain'd with daily Spectacles of Carkasses and Funerals That have heard so many Sermons upon the subject and read so many good Books upon the Frailty of Life and the Certainty of Death Do ye not know that every Moment ye live brings ye nearer to your End Your Cloaths wear out Your Woods and your Houses decay and yet ye look that your Bodies should be Immortal What are the Common Accidents and Diseases of Life but so many warnings to provide your self for a Remove Ye have Death at the Table in your Daily Food and Nourishment for your Life is maintain'd by the Death of â—ther Creatures And you have the â—â—vely picture of it every Night for your Bedfellow With what Face then can you Charge your Misfortunes upon sudden Death that have spent your whole Life both at Bed and at Bord among so many Remembrances of your Mortality No No change your stile and hereafter confess your selves to have been Careless and Incredulous You Dye tâ—inâ—ing you are not to Dye yet and forgetting that Death grows upon you and goes along with ye from one End of your Life to the Other without Distinguishing of Persons or Ages Sex or Quality and whether it finds ye Well or Ill-doing As the Tree falls so it Lies Turning toward my left Hand I saw a great many Souls that were put up in Gally-pots with Assa foetida Galbanum and a Company of Nasty Oyls that served them for Syrrup What a Damn'd stink is here Cry'd I stopping my Nose We are now come undoubtedly to the Devil's house of Office No No said their Tormenter which was a kind of a Yellowish Complexion'd Devil 'T is a Confection of Apothecaries A sort of people that are commonly Damn'd for Compounding the Mediciâ—â—â— by which their Patients hope to be saved To give them their due These are your only True and Chymical Philosophers and worth a thousand of Raymund Lullius Hermes Geber Ruspicella Avicen and their Fellows 'T is true they have written fine things of the Transmutation of Mettals but did they ever make any Gold Or if they did We have lost the Secret Whereas your Apothecaries out of a Little Puddle-water a Bundle of Rotten sticks a Box of Flies Nay
I Dye then said I No no quoth Death but I 'l take thee Quick along with me For since so many of the Dead have been to visit the Living It is but equal for once that one of the Living should Return a Visit to the Dead Get up then and come along and never hang an Arse for the matter for what you will not do willingly you shall do in spight of your Teeth This put me in a Cold Fit but without more delay up I started and desired leave only to put on my Breeches No no said she no matter for Clothes no body wears them upon this Road wherefore come away naked as you are and you 'l Travel the better So up I got without a word more and follow'd her in such a Terrour and Amazement that I was but in an ill Condition to take a strict account of my Passage yet I remember that upon the way I told her Madam under Correction you are no more like the Deaths that I have seen then an Apple's like an Oyster Our Death is pictur'd with a Scyth in her hand and a Carkass of bones as clean as if the Crows had pick'd it Yes yes said she turning short upon me I know that very well but in the mean time your Designers and Painters are but a Company of Buzzards The Bones you talk of are the Dead or otherwise the miserable Remainders of the Living but let me tell you that you your selves are your own Death and that which you call Death is but the Period of your Life as the first moment of your Birth is the beginning of your Death And effectually ye Dye Living and your Bones are no more then what Death has left and committed to the Grave If this were rightly understood every man would find a Memento Mori or a Death's Head in his own Looking-glass and consider every house with a Family in 't but as a Sepulchre fill'd with Dead Bodies a Truth which you little dream of though within your daily View and Experience Can you imagine a Death elsewhere and not in your selves Believe 't y' are in a shameful mistake for you your selves are Skeletons before ye are aware But Madam under Favour what may all these People be that keep your Ladishâ—p Company and since you are Death as you say how comes it that the Bablers and Make-bates are neerer your Person and more in your Good Graces than the Physicians Why sayes she there are more People Talk'd to Death and dispatcht by Bablers then by all the Pestilential Diseases in the World And then your Make-bates and Medlers kill more then your Physicians though to give the Gentlemen of the Faculty their due they labour night and day for the enlargement of our Empire For you must understand that though distemper'd humours make a man sick 't is the Physician Kills him and looks to be well paid for 't too and 't is fit that every man should live by his Trade so that when a man is askt what such or such a one dy'd of He is not presently to make answer that he dy'd of a Fever Pleurisie the Plague Purples or the like but that He dy'd of the Doctor In one point however I must needs acquit the Physician Ye know that the stile of right Honourable and right Worshipful which waâ— heretofore appropriate onely to Persons of Eminent degree and Quality is now in our days used by all sorts of little people Nay the very Bare-foot Friers that live under Vows of Humility and Mortification are stung with this Itch of Title and Vain-Glory And your ordinary Trades-men as Vintners Taylors Masons and the like must be all drest up forsooth in the Right Worshipful whereas your Physician does not so much Court Honour of Appellation though if it should rain Dignities he might be perswaded happily to venture the wetting but sits down contentedly with the Honour of disposing of your Lives and Moneys without troubling himself about any other sort of Reputation The Entertainment of these Lectures and discourses made the way seem short and Pleasant and we were just now entring into a Place betwixt Light and Dark and of Horrour enough if Death and I had not by this time been very well acquainted Upon one side of the Passage I saw three moving Figures Arm'd and of Humane shape and so alike that I could not say which was which Just Opposite on the other side a Hideous Monster and these Three to One and One to Three in a Fierce and Obstinate Combate Here Death made a stop and facing about askt me if I knew these People Alas No quoth I Heaven be praised I do not and I shall put it in my Litany that I never may Now to see thy Ignorance cry'd Death These are thy old Acquaintance and thou hast hardly kept any other Company since thou wert born Those Three are the World the Flesh and the Devil the Capital Enemies of thy Soul and they are so like one another as well in Quality as Appearance that Effectually whoever has One has All. The Proud and Ambitious man thinks he has got the World but it proves the Devil The Lecher and the Epicure perswade themselves that they have gotten the Flesh and that 's the Devil too and in fine thus it fares with all other kinds of Extravagants But what 's He there said I that appears in so many several shapes and fights against the other three That quoth Death is the Devil of Money who maintains that He himself Alone is Equivalent to them Three and that wherever He comes there 's no need of Them Against the World He argues from their own Confession and Experience for it passes for an Oracle that There 's no World but Money He that 's out of Money 's out of the World Take away a man's Money and take away his Life Money answers All things Against the second Enemy he pleads that Money is the Flesh too witness the Girles and the Ganimedes it procures and maintains And against the Third He urges that there 's nothing to be done without this Devil of Money Love does much but Money does All And Money will make the Pot boyl though the Devil piss in the Fire So that for ought I see quoth I the Devil of Money has the better end of the staffe After this advancing a little further I saw on One hand Iudgment and Hell on the other for so Death called them Upon the sight of Hell making a stop to take a stricter Survey of it Death askt me what it was I look't at I told her it was Hell and I was the more intent upon it because I thought I had seen it somewhere else before She question'd me where I told her that I had seen it in the Corruption and Avarice of Wicked Magistrates In the Pride and Haughtiness of Grandees In the Appetites of the Voluptuous In the lewd Designs of Ruine and Revenge In the Souls of Oppressours and
as if their Persons were Sacred Moreover they take no thought for to morrow but setting a just value on their hours they are good Husbands of the present considering that what is past is as good as Dead and what 's to come Vncertain But they say when the Devil preaches the world 's neer an End The divine Hand is in this said the Holy Man that perform'd the Exorcism Thou art the Father of Lyes and yet deliver'st truths able to mollify and convert a Heart of stone But do not you mistake your selves quoth the Devil to suppose that your Conversion is my Business for I speak these Truths to aggravate your Guilt and that you may not plead ignorance another day when you shall be call'd to answer for your Transgressions 'T is true most of you shed tears at parting but 't is the Apprehension of Death and no true Repentance for your sins that works upon you For ye are all a pack of Hypocrites Or if at any time you entertain those Reflections your trouble is That your Body will not hold out and then forsooth ye pretend to pick aquarrel with the Sin it self Thou art an Impostor said the Religious for there are many Righteous Souls that draw their sorrow from another Fountain But I perceive you have a mind to amuse us and make us lose Time and perchance your own hour is not yet come to quit the Body of this miserable Creature however I conjure thee in the name of the most High to leave tormenting him and to hold thy Peace The Devil obey'd and the Good Father applying himself to us My Masters says he though I am absolutely of Opinion that it is the Devil that has talkt to us all this while through the Organ of this unhappy wretch yet he that well weighs what has bin said may doubtless reap some benefit by the Discourse Wherefore without considering whence it came Remember that Saul although a wicked Prince Prophesied and that Honey has been drawn out of the Mouth of a Lyon Withdraw then and I shall make it my Prayer as 't is my hope that this sad and prodigious spectacle may lead you to a true sight of your Errours and in the end to amendment of Life The end of the first Vision THE SECOND VISION OF DEATH and her EMPIRE MEan Souls do naturally breed sad Thoughts and in Solitude they gather together in Troops to assault the Unfortunate which is the Tryal according to my Observation wherein the Coward does most betray himself and yet cannot I for my life when I am alone avoid those Accidents and Surprizes in my self which I condemn in others I have sometime upon Reading the Grave and Severe Lucretius been seized with a strange Damp whether from the striking of his Counsels upon my Passions or some tacite reflection of shame upon my self I know not However to render this Confession of my weakness the more excusable I 'l begin my Discourse with somewhat out of that elegant and excellent Poet Put the Case sayes he that a Voice from Heaven should speak to any of us after this manner What do'st thou ail O Mortal Man or to what purpose is it to spend thy life in Groans and Complaints under the apprehension of Death where are thy past Years and Pleasures Are they not vanish't and lost in theFlux of Time as if thou hadst put Water into a Sieve Bethink thy self then of a Retreat leave the World with the same content satisfaction as thou wouldst do a plentiful Table and a jolly Company upon a full stomach Poor Fool that thou art thus to Macerate and Torment thy self when thou may'st enjoy thy Heart at Ease and Possess thy Soul with Repose and Comfort c. This passage brought into my mind the words of Iob. Cap. 14. and I was carried on from one Meditation to another till at length I fell fast asleep over my Book which I ascribed rather to a favourable providence then to my natural Disposition So soon as my Soul felt her self at Liberty she gave me the entertainment of this following Comedy my Phansy supplying both the Stage and the Company In the first Scene enter'd a Troop of Physicians upon their Mules with deep Foot-cloths marching in no very good Order sometime fast sometime slow and to say the Truth most commonly in a huddle They were all wrinkled and wither'd about the Eyes I suppose with casting so many sowre looks upon the Piss-pots and Close-stools of their Patients bearded like Goats and their Faces so overgrown with Hair that their Fingers could hardly find the way to their Mouths In their left hand they held their Reins and their Gloves roul'd up together and in the right a Staffe à la mode which they carryed rather for Countenance then Correction for they understood no other Manege than the Heel and all along Head and Body went too like a Baker upon his Panniers Divers of them I observ'd had huge Gold Rings upon their Fingers and set with Stones of so large a size that they could hardly feel a Patients Pulse without minding him of his Monument There were more thaâ— a good many of them and a world of Puny Practisers at their heels that came out Graduates by conversing rather with the Mules than the Doctors Well! said I to my self if there goes no more than This to the making a Physitian it is no marvel we pay so dear for their Experience After These follow'd a long Train of Mountebank Apothecaries laden with Pestles and Mortars Suppositories Spatulas Glister-Pipes and Siringes ready charg'd and as mortal as Gun-shot and several Titled Boxes with Râ—medies without and Poysons within Ye may observe that when a Patient comes to die the Apothecaries Moâ—tar rings the Passing-Bell as the Priests Râ—quiem finishes the business An Apothecâ—ries Shop is in effect no other than the Physitians Armory that supplies him with Weapons and to say the truth the Instruments of the Apothecary and the Souldier are much of a quality What are their Boxes but Petards their Syringes Pistols and their Pills but Bullets And after all considering their Purgative Medicines we may properly enough call their Shops Purgatory and why not their Persons Hell their Patients the Damn'd and their Masters the Devils These Apothecaries were in Iacquets wrought all over with Rs struck through like wounded hearts and in the form of the first Character of their Prescriptions which as they tell us signifies Recipe Tâ—ke thou but we find it to stand for Recipio I take Next to this Figure they write Ana Ana which is as much as â—o say An Ass An Ass and after this march the Ounces and the Scruples an incomparable Cordial to a dying man the former to dispatch the Body and the latteâ— to put the Soul into the high-way to the Dâ—vil To hear them call over their Simples would make you swear they were raising so many Devils Therâ—â—s your Opopanax Buphthalmus Astâ—pâ—ylinos Alectorolophos
a Scare-Crow as you are do with a Bed-fellow Give over your Bawdy Haunts for shame and do n't make a man Glory of a Sin when you 're past the Pleasure of it and your self upon all Accompts contemptible into the Bargain This Fellow sayes He would make a man break his heart with Laughing Come come say your Prayers and bethink your self of Eternity you have one Foot in the Grave already and 't is high time to fit your self for the other World Thou wilt absolutely kill me with Laughing I tell thee I 'm as sound as a Roche and I do not Remember that ever I was better in my Life Others there are that let a man advise them upon their Death Beds and even at the last Gasp to send for a Divine or to make some handsome settlement of their Estates Alas Alas they 'l cry I have been as bad as this many a time before and with Falstaffe's Hostess I hope in the Lord there 's no need to think of him yet These men are lost for ever before they can be brought to understand their Danger This Vision wrought strangely upon me and gave me all the Pains and Marques Imaginable of a true Repentance Well said I since so it is that man has but one life allotted him and so many Deaths but one way into the World and so many Millions out of it I will certainly at my Return make it more my Care than it has been to Live with a Good Conscience that I may dye with Comfort These last words were scarce out of my Mouth when the Cryer of the Court with a loud Voice Called out The Dead The Dead Appear the Dead And so immediately I saw the Earth begin to Move and gently opening it self to make way first for Heads and Arms and then by Degrees for the whole Bodies of Men and Women that came out half muffled in their Night-Caps and ranged themselves in excellent Order and with a profound silence Now says Death let every one speak in his Turn And in the instant up comes One of the Dead to my very Beard with so much Fury and Menace in his Face and Action that I would have given him half the Teeth in my Head for a Composition These Devils of the World quoth he what would they be at my Masters cannot a poor Wretch be quiet in his Grave for ye but ye must be Casting your Scorns upon him and charging him with things that upon my Soul he 's as Innocent of as the Child that 's Unborn What hurt has he done any of you ye Scoundrels you to be thus Abused And I beseech you Sir said I under your Favourable Correction who may you be for I confess I have not the Honour either to Know or to understand ye I am quoth he the Unfortunate Tony that has been in his Grave now this many a fair year and yet your wise Worships forsooth have not wit enough to make your Selves and your Company merry but Tony must still be one half of your Entertainment and Discourse When any man plays the Fool or the Extravagant presently He 's a Tony. Who drew this or that Ridiculous Piece Tony. Such or such a one was never well taught No he had a Tony to his Master But let me tell ye He that shall call your Wisdoms to shrift and take a strict accompt of your words and actions will upon the Upshot find you all a Company of Tonys and in Effect the Greater Impertinents As for Instance Did I ever make Ridiculous Wills as you do to oblige others to pray for a man in his Grave that never pray'd for Himself in his Life Did I ever rebell against my Superiors Or was I ever so arrant a Coxcomb as by colouring my Cheeks and Hair to imagine that I could reform Nature and make my Self young again Can ye say that I ever put an Oath to a Lye or broke a solemn Promise as you do every day that goes over your Heads Did I ever enslave my self to money Or on the other side make Ducks and Drakes with it and squander it away in Gaming Revelling and Whoring Did my Wife â—ver wear the Breeches Or did I ever marry at all to be reveng'd of a false Mistress Was I ever so very a fool as to believe any man would be True to me who had betray'd his Friend Or to venture all my Hopes upon the Wheel of Fortune Did I ever envy the Felicity of a Court-life that sells and spends all for a Glance What pleasure did I ever take in the lewd Discourses of Hereticks and Libertines Or did I ever List my self in the party to get the name of a Gifted-Brother Who ever saw me Insolent to my Inferiors or Basely Servile to my betters Did I ever go to a Conjurer or to your Dealers in Nativities and Horoscopes upon any Occasion of Loss or Death Now if you your selves be guilty of all these Fopperies and I innocent I beseech ye where 's the Tony So that you see Tony is not the Tony you take him for But to Crown his other Vertues he is also endued with so large a stock of Patience that whoever needed it had it for the asking Unless it were such as came to borrow money or in Cases of Women that claim'd Marriage of him or Laquais that would be making sport with his Bauble and to These He was as Resolute as Iohn Florio While we were upon this Discourse another of the Dead came marching up to me with a Spanish pace and gravity and giving me a Touch o' the Elbow Look me in the Face quoth he with a stern Countenance and know Sir that you are not now to have to do with a Tony. I beseech your Lordship said I saving your Reverence let me know your Honour that I may pay my Respects accordingly for I must confess I thought all people here had been Hail fellow well met I am call'd quoth he by mortals Queen Dick and whether you know me or not I 'm sure you 'l think of me often enough and if the Devil did not possess ye you would let the Dead alone and content your selves to persecute One Another Ye can't see a High-crown'd Hat a Thred-bare Cloak a Basket-hilt Sword or a Dudgeon Dagger nay not so much as a Reverend Matron well striken in years but presently ye cry This or That 's of the Mode or Date of Queen Dick. If ye were not every Mother's Child of ye stark mad ye would confess that Queen Dick's were Golden-daies to those ye have had since and 't is an easie matter to prove what I say Will ye see a Mother now teaching her Daughter a Lesson of good Government Child says she you know that modesty is the great Ornament of your Sex wherefore be sure when ye come in Company that you don't stand staring the men in the Face as if ye were looking Babies in their Eyes but rather look a little Downward
But the whole Ring presently came in to part us and did me a singular kindness in 't for my Adversary had a Fork and I had none As they were staving and Tayling you might have had more manners cry'd one than to give such Language to your Betters and to call Don Diego Moreno Cuckold And is this That Diego Moreno then said I Rascal that he is to charge me with abusing persons of Honour A Scoundrel said I that 't is a shame for Death to be seen in 's Company and was never fit for any thing in his whole life but to furnish matter for a Farce And that 's my Grievance Gentlemen quoth Don Diego for which with your Leave he shall give me satisfaction I do not stand upon the matter of being a Cuckold for there 's many a Brave fellow lives in Cuckolds-Row But why does he not name others as well as me As if the Horn grew upon no bodies head but mine I 'm sure there are Others that a Thousand times better deserve it I hope he cannot say that ever I gor'd any of my Superiors or that my being Cornuted has rais'd the Price of Post-horns Lanthorns or Pocket-Ink-horns Are not shooing-horns and Knife-handles as cheap now as ever Why must I walk the stage then more than my Neighbours Beyond question there never liv'd a more peaceable Wretch upon the face of the Earth all things consider'd than my self Never was man freer from Ielousy or more careful to step aside at the Time of Visit for I was ever against the spoiling of sport when I could make None my self I confess I was not so charitable to the poor as I might have been The truth of 't is I watcht them as a Cat would do a Mouse for I did not love them But then in Requital I could have out-snorted the seven sleepers when any of the better sort came to have a word in private with my Wife The short on 't is We agreed blessedly well together she and I for I did whatever she would have me and she would say a Thousand and a Thousand times Long live my poor Diego the best Condition'd the most complaisant Husband in the World whatever I do is well done and he never so much as opens his mouth Good or Bad. But by her leave that was little to my Credit and the Jade when she said it was beside the Cushion For many and many a Time have I said This is Well and That 's Ill. When there came any Poets to our house Fidlers or Morrice-Dancers I would say This is not well But when the Rich Merchants came Oh very good would I say This is as well as well can be Sometime we had the hap to be visited by some Pennyless Courtier or Low-Country Officer perchance then should I take her aside and Rattle her to some Tune Sweetheart would I say Pray'e what ha' we to do with these Frippery Fellows and Damme Boyes shake them off I 'd advise ye and take this for a warning But when any came that had to do with the Mint or Chequer and spent freely for lightly come lightly go I marry my Dear quoth I there 's nothing to be lost by keeping such Company And what hurt in all this now Nay on the Contrary my poor Wife enjoy'd her self happily under the Protection of my shadow and being a Femme Couverte not an Officer durst come neer her Why should then this Buffon of a Poetaster make me still the Ridiculous Entertainment of all his Interludes and Farces and the Fool in the Play By your Favour quoth I we are not yet upon even terms And before we part you shall know what 't is to provoke a Poet. If thou wert but now alive I 'd write the to Death as Archilocus did Lycambes And I 'm resolv'd to put the History of thy life in a Satyre as sharp as Vinegar and give it the Name of The Life and Death of Don Diego Moreno It shall go hard quoth he but I 'l prevent That and so We fell to 't again Hand and Foot till at length the very Fancy of a Scuffle wak'd me and I found my self as weary as if it had been a Real Combat I began then to reflect upon the Particulars of my Dream and to Consider what Advantage I might draw from it for the Dead are past fooling and Those are the soundest Counsels which we receive from such as advise us without either Passion or Interest The end of the second Vision THE THIRD VISION OF THE LAST JUDGMENT HOmer makes Iupiter the Author or Inspirer of Dreams especially the Dreams of Princes and Governours and if the matter of them be pious and important And it is likewise the Judgment of the Learned Propertius that Good Dreams come from above have their weight and ought not to be slighted And truly I am much of his mind in the Case of a Dream I had the other Night As I was reading a Discourse touching the End of the World I fell asleep over the Book and Dreamt of The Last Iudgment A thing which in the House of a Poet is scarce admitted so much as in a Dream This Phansie minded me of a Passage in Claudian That all Creatures dream at Night of what they have heard and seen in the Day as the Hound dreams of Hunting the Hare Methought I saw a very handsome Youth towring in the Air and sounding of a Trumpet but the forcing of his Breath did indeed take off much of his Beauty The very Marbles I perceived and the Dead obey'd his Call for in the same moment the Earth began to open and set the Bones at Liberty to seek their Fellows The First that appear'd were Sword-men As Generals of Armies Captains Lieutenants Common-Souldiers who supposing that it had sounded a Charge came out of their Graves methought with the same Briskness and Resolution as if they had been going to an Assault or a Combat The Misers put their Heads out all Pale and Trembling for fear of a Plunder The Cavaliers and Good Fellows believed they had been going to a Horse-Race or a Hunting-match And in fine though they all heard the Trumpet there was not any Creature knew the meaning of it for I could read their Thoughts by their Looks and Gestures After This there appear'd a great many Souls whereof some came up to their Bodies though with much Difficulty and Horrour Others stood wondring at a Distance not daring to come near so hideous and frightful a Spectacle This wanted an Arm That an Eye T'other a Head Upon the whole though I could not but smile at the Prospect of so strange a variety of Figures yet was it not without just matter of Admiration at the All-powerful Providence to see Order drawn out of Confusion and every part restor'd to the right Owner I Dreamt my self then in a Church-Yard and there methought divers that were loth to appear were changing of Heads and an Attorney would
Iudas No No. There have been many since the Death of my Master and there are at this Day more wicked and ungrateful Ten thousand times then my self that buy the Lord of Life as well as sell him scourging and Crucifying him daily with more Spite and Ignominy then the Iews The Truth is I had an Itch to be fingering of Money and Bartering from my Entrance into the Apostleship I began you know with the Pot of Oyntment which I would fain have sold under colour of a Relief to the Poor And I went on to the selling of my Master wherein I did the World a greater good then I intended to my own irreparable ruine My Repentance now signifies Nothing To conclude I am the only Steward that 's condemn'd for Selling All the rest are damn'd for Buying And I must entreat you to have a better Opinion of me for if you 'l look but a little lower here you 'l find people a Thousand times worse then my self Withdraw draw then said I for I have had talk enough with Iudas I went down then some few steps as Iudas directed me and There I saw a world of Devils upon the March with Rods and Stirrup-leathers in their Hands lashing a Company of handsome Lasses stark naked and driving them out of Hell which me thought was pity and if I had had some of them in a Corner I should have treated them better With the Stirrup-Leathers they disciplin'd a Litter of Bawds I could not Imagine why These of all others should be expell'd the place and ask't the Question Oh says a Devil These are our Factresses in the world and the best we have so that we send them back again to bring more Grist to the Mill And indeed if it were not for Women Hell would be but thinly peopled for what with the Art the Beauty and the Allurements of the Young Wenches and the Sage Advice and Counsel of the Bawds they do us very great services Nay for fear any of our Good Friends should tire upon the Rode they send them to us on Horse-back or bring them themselves e'en to the very Gates lest they should miss their way Pursuing my journey I saw a good way before me a large Building that lookt me thought like some Enchanted Castle or the Picture of Ill-Luck It was all ruinous the Chimneys down the Planchers all to pieces only the Bars of the Windows standing The Doors all bedaw'd with dirt and patcht up with Barrel-Heads where they had been broken The Glass gone and here and there a Quarrel supply'd with Paper I made no doubt at first but the house was forsaken but coming nearer I found it otherwise by a horrible confusion of tongues and noises within it As I came just up to the Door one open'd it and I saw in the house many Devils Thieves and Whores One of the craftiest Jades in the Pack placed her self presently upon the Threshold and made her address to my Guide and me Gentlemen says she how comes it to pass I pray'e that people are damn'd both for giving and taking The Thief is condemn'd for taking away from another and we are condemn'd for giving what is our own I do not find truly any injustice in our Trade and if it be lawful to give every one their own and out of their own why are we condemn'd We found it a nice point and sent the Wench to Counsel learned in the Law for a resolution in the Case Her mentioning of Thieves made me inquire after the Scriveners and Notaries Is it possible said I that you should have none of them here for I do not remember that I have seen so much as one of them upon the way and yet I had occasion for a Scrivener and made a search for one I do believe indeed quoth the Devil that you have not found any of them upon the Road. How then said I what are they all sav'd No no cry'd the Devil but you must understand that they do not foot it hither as other mortals but come upon the Wing in Troops like Wild-geese so that 't is no wonder you see none of them upon the way We have millions of them but they cut it away in a trice for they are damn'dly rank-wing'd and will make a flight in the third part of a minute betwixt Earth and Hell But if there be so many said I how comes it we see none of them For that quoth the Devil we change their names when they come hither once and call them no longer Notaries or Scriveners but Cats and they are so good mousers that though this place is large old and ruinous yet you see not so much as a Rat or a mouse in Hell how full soever of all other sorts of Vermine Now ye talk of Vermine said I are there any Catchpoles here No not one says he How so quoth I when I dare undertake there are five hundred Rogues of the Trade for one that 's ought The Reason is says the Devil that every Catchpole upon Earth carries a Hell in 's Bosom You have still said I crossing my self an aking tooth at those poor Varlets Why not cry'd he for they are but Devils incarnate and so damn'dly verst in the art of tormenting that we live in continual dread of losing our places and that his Infernal Majesty should take these Rascals into his Service I had enough of this and travelling on I saw a little way off a great enclosure and a world of Souls shut up in 't some of them weeping and lamenting without measure others in a profound silence And this I understood to be the Lovers Quarter It sadn'd me to consider that Death it self could not kill the lamentations of Lovers Some of them were discoursing their passions and teizing themselves with fears and jelousies casting all their miseries upon their appetites and phansies that still made the Picture infinitely fairer than the Person They were for the most part troubled with a simple disease call'd as the Devil told me I Thought I askt him what that was and he answer'd me it was a Punishment suitable to their Offence for your Lovers when they fall short of their Expectations either in the pursuit or enjoyment of their Mistresses they are wont to say Alas I Thought she would have lov'd me I Thought she would never have prest me to marry her I Thought she would have been a Fortune to me I Thought she would have given me all she had I Thought she would have cost me nothing I Thought she would have askt me nothing I Thought she would have been true to my Bed I Thought she would have bin dutiful and modest I Thought she would never have kept her Gallant So that all their Pain and damnation comes from I thought This or That or So or So. In the middle of them was Cupid a little beggarly Rogue and as naked as he was born only here and there cover'd with an odd kind of
Thief or the Cheat He that would rise in the World must turn Parasite Informer or Projecter He that Marries Ventures fair for the Horn either before or after There is no Valour without Swearing Quarrelling or Hectoring If ye are poor No body Owns ye If Rich you 'l know No body If you dye Young what pity it was they 'l say that he should be cut off thus in his Prime If Old He was e'en past his best there 's no great Mis◠of him If you are Religious and frequent the Church and the Sacrament You 're an Hypocrite And without this y' are an Atheist or an Heretick If you are Gay and pleasant you pass presently for a Buffon and if Pensive and reserv'd you are taken to be soure and Censorious Courtesy is call'd Colloguing and Currying of Favour Downright Honesty and plain-dealing is Interpreted to be Pride and Ill manners This is the World and for all that 's in 't I would not have it to go over again If any of ye My Masters said he to his Camerades be of another Opinion hold up your hands No No they cry'd all Unanimously No more Generation-work I beseech ye Better the Devils then the Midwives After This came a Testator cursing and Raving like a Bedlam that He had made his last Will and Testament Ah Villein said he for a Man to murder himself as I have done If I had not Seal'd I had not dy'd Of all things next a Physician Deliver me from a Testament It has kill'd more then the Pestilence Oh Miserable Mortals let the Living take warning by the Dead and make no Testaments It was my hard Luck first to put my Life into the Physicians power and then by making my Will to sign the Sentence of Death upon my self and my Own Execution Put your Soul and your Estate in Order says the Doctor for there 's no hope of Life And the Word was no sooner out but I was so wise and Devout forsooth as to fall immediately upon the Prologue of my Will with an In Nomine Domini Amen c. And when I came to dispose of my Goods and Chattels I pronounc'd these Bloody Words I would I had been Tongue-ty'd when I did it I make and Constitute my Son my Sole Exec'tor Item to my Dear Wife I give and Bequeath all my Playes and Romances and all the Furniture in the Rooms upon the Second Story To my very good Friend T. B. my large Tankard for a Remembrance To my Foot-boy Robin five pound to bind him Prentice To Betty that tended me in my sickness my little Candle-Cup To Mr. Doctor my fair Table-Diamond for his Care of me in my Illness After Signing and Sealing the Ink was scarce dry upon the Paper but methought the Earth open'd as if it had been hungry to devour me My Son and my Legatees were presently Casting it up how many hours I might yet hold out If I call'd for the Cordial Iulep or a little of Dr. Gilbert's Water my Son was taking Possession of my Estate My Wife so busy about the Beds and Hangings that she could not intend it The Boy and the Wench could understand Nothing but about their Legacies My very good Friend's Mind was wholly upon his Tankard My kind 〈◊〉 I must confess took Occasion now and then to handle my Pulse and see whether the Diamond were of the right Black Water or no. If I ask't him what I might Eat his Answer was Any thing any thing E'en what you please your self At every Grone I fetch 't they were calling for their Legacies which they could not have till I was Dead But if I were to begin the World again I think I should make another kind of Testament I would say A Curse upon him that shall have my Estate when I am Dead And may the first bit of Bread he eats out on 't choak him The Devil in Hell take what I cannot carry away and him too that struggles for 't if He can Catch him If I dye let my Boy Robin have the Strappado three hours a day to be duly paid him during Life Let my Wife dye of the Pip or the Mother not a half penny matter which but let her first live long Enough to Plague the Damn'd Doctor and Indite him for poysoning her Poor Husband To speak sincerely I can never forgive that Dog-Leech Was it not enough to make me Sick when I was well without making me Dead when I was Sick And not to rest there neither but to persecute me in my Grave too But to say the Truth this is only Neighbour's-fare for all those fools that trust in them are serv'd with the same Sawce A Vomit or a Purge is as good a Pass-port into the other World as a man would wish And then when our heads are laid 't is never to be endured the Scandals they cast upon our Bodies and Memories Heaven rest his Soul crys one He kill'd himself with a Debauch How is 't possible says another to cure a man that keeps no Diet He was a Mad-man crys a Third a Meer Sot and would not be govern'd by his Physician His Body was as Rotten as a Pear He had as many Diseases as a Horse and it was not in the Power of Man to save him And truly 't was well that his hour was come for he had better a great deal Dye well then live on as he did Thieves and Murtherers that ye are You your selves are that hour ye talk of The Physician is only Death in a Disguise and brings his Patients Hour along with him Cruel People Is it not Enough to take away a Man's life and like Common Hang-men to be paid for 't when ye have done but you must blast the Honour too of those you have dispatch't to excuse your Ignorance Let but the Living follow my Counsel and write their Testaments after This Copy they shall live long and Happily and not go out of the World at last like a Rat with a straw in his Arse as a learned Author has it or be cut off in the flower of their days by these Counterfeit Doctors of the faculty of the Close-stool The dead man ply'd his discourse with so much Gravity and Earnestness that Lucifer began to believe what he said But because all Truths are not to be spoken especially among the Devils where hardly any are admitted and for fear of mischief if the Doctors should come to hear what had been said Lucifer presently order'd the Fellow should be Gagg'd or to put in security for his good behaviour His mouth was no sooner stopt but another was open'd and one of the damn'd came running cross the Company and so up and down back and forward like a Cur that had lost his Master bawling as if he had been out of his Wits and crying out Oh! Where am I Where am I I am abus'd I am chous'd What 's the meaning of all this Here are damning Devils tempting Devils and
their Hearts upon Avarice Cozening and Extortion and make Money their God That Vagabond Money that 's perpetually trotting up and down like a wandring whore and takes up most commonly with the unworthy leaving the Philosophers and Prophets which are the very Oracles of the Heavens such as Nostradamus to go barefoot But let 's go on with our Prophecyes and see if they be so frivolous and dark as the world reports them When the marry'd shall Marry Then the Jealous will be sorry And though Fools will be talking To keep their tongues walking No man runs well I find But with 's Elbows behind This gave me such a Fit of Laughing that it made me cast my nose up into the Air like a Stone-horse that had got a Mare in the Wind Which put the Astrologer out of all Patience Buffon and Dog-whelp as ye are quoth he There 's a Bone for you to pick you must be snarling and snapping at every thing Will your Teeth serve ye now to fetch out the Marrow of this Prophecy Hear then in the Devils name and be Mannerly Hear and Learn I say and let 's have no more of that Grinning unless ye have a mind to leave your Beard behind he Do you imagine that all that are Marry'd Marry No not the one half of them When you are Marry'd the Priest has done his part but after that to Marry is to do the Duty of a Husband Alack How many Marry'd men live as if they were single and how many Batchelors on the other side as if they were Marry'd after the Mode of the Times And Wedlock to divers Couples is no other than a more sociable state of Virginity Here 's one half of my Prophecy expounded already now for the Rest. Let me see you run a little for Experiment and try if you carry your Elbows before or behind You 'l tell me perhaps that this is ridiculous because every body knows it A pleasant shift As if Truth were the worse for being Plain The things indeed that you deliver for Truths are for the most part meer Fooleries and Mistakes and it were a hard matter to put Truth in such a Dress as would please ye What have ye to say now either against my Prophecy or my Argument not a Syllable I warrant ye and yet somewhat there is to be said for There 's no Rule without an Exception Does not the Physician carry his Elbow before him when he puts back his hand to take his Patients Money And away he 's gone in a Trice so soon as He has made his Purchase But to proceed here 's another of my Prophecies for ye Many Women shall be Mothers And their Babbies Their N'own Daddies What say ye to this now are there not many Husbands do ye think if the Truth were known that father more Children than their own Believe me Friend A man had need have good security upon a Womans Belly for Children are commonly made in the Dark and 't is no easie matter to know the Workman especially having nothing but the woman's bare word for 't This is meant of the Court of Assistance And whoever Interprets my Prophesies to the Prejudice of any Person of Honour abuses me You little think what a world of our Gay folks in their Coaches and six with Lacquies at their Heels by the Dozens will be found at the last Day to be only the Bastards of some Pages Gentlemen-Vshers or Valets de Chambre of the Family nay perchance the Physician may have had his hand in the wrong Box and in case of necessity good Use has been made of a Lusty Coachman Little do you think I say how many Noble Families upon that Grand Discovery will be found Extinct for want of Issue I am now convinc'd said I to the Mathematician of the Excellency of your Predictions and I perceive since you have been pleas'd to be your own Interpreter that they have more weight in them than we were aware of Ye shall have one more quoth he and I have done This Year if I 've any skill i' th' Weather Shall many a one take Wing with a Feather I dare say that your wit will serve ye now to Imagine that I 'm talking of Rooks and Iack-daws but I say No. I speak of Lawyers Attorneys Clerks Scriveners and their Fellows that with the Dash of a Pen can defeat their Clients of their Estates and flye away with them when they have done Upon these words Nostradamus Vanisht and some body plucking me behind I turn'd my face upon the most meager melancholick Wretch that ever was seen and cover'd all in white For pitty's sake says he and as you are a good Christian do but deliver me from the Persecution of these Impertinents and Bablers that are now tormenting me and I 'l be your Slave for ever casting himself at my Feet in the same Moment and crying like a Child And what art thou quoth I for a miserable Creature I am says he an Ancient and an Honest man although defam'd with a thousand Reproches and Slanders And in fine some call me Another and others Some-body and doubtless ye cannot but have heard of me As Some-body says cryes one that has nothing to say for himself and yet till this Instant I never so much as open'd my mouth The Latines call me Quidam and make good use of me to fill up Lines and stop Gaps When you go back again into the World I pray'e do me the Favour to own that you have seen me and to justifie me for one that never did and never will either speak or write any thing whatever some Tatling Ideots may pretend When they bring me into Quarrels and Brawles I am call'd forsooth A certain Person In their Intrigues I know not who and in the Pulpit A certain Author and all this to make a Mystery of my Name and lay all their Fooleries at my Door Wherefore I beseech ye help me which I promis'd to do And so this Vision withdrew to make Place for another And That was the most frightful piece of Antiquity that ever Eye beheld in the shape of an Old Woman She came nodding towâ—rds me and in a Hollow Ratling Tone for she spoke more with her Chops than her Tongue Pray'e says she â—s there not some body come lately hither from the other World This Apparition thought I is undoubtedly one of the Devils Scare-Crows Her Eyes were so sunk in their Sockets that they lookt like a pair of Dice in the bottom of a couple of Red-boxes Her Cheeks and the Soles of her Feet were of the same Complexion Her mouth was pale and open too the better to receive the Distillations of her Nose Her Chin was cover'd with a kind of Goose-Down as Toothless as a Lamprey and the Flaps of her Cheeks were like an Apes Bags Her Head danc'd and her Voice at every word kept time to 't Her Body was vail'd or rather wrapt up in a shroud of Cre'pe
She had a Crutch in one hand which serv'd her for a Supporter and a Rosary in t'other of such a length that as she stood stooping over it a man would have thought she had been fishing for Deaths Heads When I had done gaping upon This Epitome of past-ages Hola Grannum quoth I good lustily in her Ear taking for granted that she was deaf what 's your Pleasure with me with that she gave a Grunt and being much in wrath to be called Grannum clapt a fair pair of Spectacles upon her Nose and pinking through them I am quoth she neither Deaf nor Grannum but may be called by my Name as well as my Neighbours giving to understand that Women will take it ill to be called Old even in their very Graves As she spake she came still neerer me with her Eyes dropping and the smell about her perfectly of a Dead Body I beg'd her Pardon for what was past and for the future her Name that I might be sure to keep my self within the Bounds of Respect I am call'd sayes she Doüegna or Madam the Gouvernante How 's that quoth I in a great Amazement Have ye any of those Cattle in this Country Let the Inhabitants pray heartily for Peace then and all little enough to keep them quiet But to see my mistake now I thought the Women had dyed when they came to be Gouvernantes and that for the punishment of a wicked World the Gouvernantes had been Immortal But I am now better inform'd and very glad truly to meet with a Person I have heard so much talk of For with us Who but Madam the Gouvernante at every turn Do ye see that Mumping Hag cryes One Come here ye Damn'd Iade cryes Another That Old Bawd sayes a Third has forgotten I warrant ye that ever she was a Whore and now see if we do not remember ye You do so and I 'm in your debt for your Remembrance The Great Devil be your Pay-masters ye Son of a Whore you Are there no more Gouvernantes than my self Sure there are and ye may have your Choice without Affronting me Well Well said I have a little Patience and at my Return I 'l try if I can put things in better Order But in the mean time what business have you here her Reverence upon this was a little Qualified and told me that she had now been eight hundred years in Hell upon a Design to erect an Order of the Gouvernantes but the right Worshipful the Devil-Commissioners are not as yet come to any Reâ—olution upon the Point For say they if your Gouvernantes should come once to settle here there would need no other Tormentors and we should be but so many Iacks out of Office And besides we should be perpetually at Daggers drawing about the Brands and Candles-Ends which they would still be filching and laying out of the way and for us to have our Fewel to seek would be very Inconvenient I have been in Purgatory too she said uâ—on the same Project but there so soon as ever they set eye on me all the Souls cry'd out Unanimously Libera Nos c. As for Heaven That 's no place for Quarrels Slanders Disquiets Heart-burnings and consequently None for Me. The Dea◠〈◊〉 none of my Friends neither 〈…〉 grumble and bid me let 〈…〉 as they do me and beg 〈…〉 world again if I please and there they tell me I may play the Gouvernante in saecula saeculorum But truly I had rather be here at my Ease than spend my Life crumpling and brooding over a Carpet at a bed-side like a thing of Clouts to secure the Poultry of the Family from strange Cocks which would now and then have a Brush with a Virgin Pullet but for the Care of the Gouvernantes And yet 't is she good woman beares all the blame in Case of any Miscarriage The Gouvernante was presently of the Plot she had a Feeling in the Cause a Finger in the Pye And 't is she in fine that must answer for all Let but a Sock and old Handkercher the Greasy Lining of a Masque or any such Frippery piece of business be missing Ask the Gouvernante for This or for That And in short they take us certainly for so many Storks and Ducks to gather up 〈◊〉 the filth about the house The 〈…〉 look upon us as Spyes and 〈…〉 Cousin forsooth and ' tother 's 〈…〉 not come to the house for 〈…〉 â—ouvernante And indeed I have made many of them Cross themselves that took me for a Ghost Our Masters they curse us too for Embroyling the Family So that I have rather Chosen to take up here betwixt the Dead and the Living than to return again to my Charge of a Doüegna the very sound of the Name being more Terrible than a Gibbet As appears by one that was lately Travailing from Madrid to Vailladolid and asking where he might lodge that night Answer was made at a small Village call'd Doüegnas But is there no other place quoth he within some reasonable Distance either short or beyond it They told him no unless it were at a Gallows That shall be my Quarter then quoth he for a thousand Gibbets are not so bad to me as one Doüegnas Now ye see how we are abus'd quoth the Gouvernante I hope you 'l do us some Right when it lyes in your Power She would have talk't me to Death if I had not given her the slip upon the removing of her Spectacles but I could not scape so neither for looking about me for a Guide to carry me home again I was arrested by one of the Dead a good proper Fellow only he had a pair of Rams-horns on his head and I was about to salute him for Aries in the Zodiac but when I saw him plant himself just before me with his best Leg forward stretching out his Arms Clutching his Fists and looking as Soure as if He would have Eaten me without Mustard Doubtless said I the Devil is Dead and This is He. No No cry'd a by-stander This is a man Why then sayd I he 's Drunk I perceive and Quarrelsome in his Ale for here 's no body has touched him With that as he was just ready to fall on I stood to my Guard and we were arm'd at all points alike only he had the Ods of the Head-piece Now Sirrah says he have at ye slave that you are to make a Trade of Defaming Persons of Honour By the Death that Commands here I 'l ha' my Revenge and turn your skin over your Ears This Insolent Language stir'd my Choler I confess and so I call'd to him Come come on Sirrah A little neerer yet and if ye have a mind to be twice kill'd I 'l do your business who the Devil brought this Cornuto hither to trouble me The word was no sooner out but we were immediately at it Tooth and Nail and if his Horns had not been flatted to his head I might have had the worst on 't
the multitude had not call'd in others of his Race to the Government which render'd thy fall the very Hydra of the Empire We had had another skirmish upon these words if Lucifer had not commanded Caesar to his Cell again upon pain of Death and there to abide such correction as belong'd to him for slighting the warnings he had of his Disaster Brutus and Cassius too were turn'd over to the politick Fools and the Senators were dispatch'd away to Minos and Rhadamanthus and to sit as Assistants in the Devils Bench. After this I heard a murmuring noise as of people talking at a distance and by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling and disputing still lowder and lowder till at length it was but a word and a blow and the nearer I came the greater was the clamour This made me mend my pace but before I could reach them they were all together by the Ears in a bloudy fray They were persons of great quality all of them as Emperors Magistrates Generals of Armies Lucifer to take up the Quarrel commanded them Peace and Silence and they all obey'd but it vext them to the hearts to be so taken off in the full carriere of their Fury and Revenge The first that open'd his mouth was a fellow so martyr'd with wounds and scars that I took him at first for an indigent Officer but it prov'd to be Clitus as he said himself And one at his Elbow told him he was a saucy Companion for presuming to speak before his time and so desir'd Audience of Lucifer for the high and mighty Alexander the Son of Jupiter and the Emperor and Terror of the World He was going on with his Qualities and Titles but an Officer gave the word Silence and bad Clitus begin which he took very kindly and told his story If it may please your Majesty says he I was the first Favourite of this Emperor who was then Lord of all the known World bare the Title of the King of Kings and Boasted himself for the son of Iupiter Hammon and yet after all this Glory and Conquest he was himself a slave to his Passions He was Rash and Cruel and consequently Incapable either of Counsel or Friendship While I liv'd I was near him and serv'd him faithfully but it seems He did not Entertain me so much for my Fidelity as to augment the Number of his Flatterers But I found my self too honest for a Base Office and still as he ran into any foul Excesses I took a Freedom with all possible Modesty to shew him his Mistakes One day as he was talking slightly of his Father Philip that brave Prince from whom he receiv'd as well his Honour as his Being I told him frankly what I thought of that Ingratitude and Vanity and desired him to treat his Dead Father with more Reverence as a Prince Worthy of Eternal Honour and Respect This Commendation of Philip so enflam'd him that presently he took a Partisan and struck me Dead in the place with his own Hand After this pray'e where was his Divinity when he gave Abdolominus a poor Garden-Weeder the Kingdome of Sidonia which was not as the World would have it out of any Consideration of his Virtue but to Mortify and take down the Pride and Insolence of the Persians Meeting him here just now in Hell I askt him what was become of his Father Iupiter now that he lay so long by 't and whether he were not yet convinc'd that all his Flatterers were a Company of Rascals who with their Incense and Altars would perswade him that He was of Divine Extraction and Heir apparent to the Throne and Thunder of Iupiter This now was the Ground of our Quarrel Invectives apart who but a Tyrant would have put a Loyal Subject to Death only for his Affection and Regards to the Memory of his Dead Father how barbarously did he treat his Favourites Parmenio Philotas Calisthenes Amintas c. so that good or bad is all a case for 't is crime enough to be the Favourite of a Tyrant As in the course of humane life every man dies because he is mortal and the disease is rather the pretext of his death than the cause of it You find now says Satan that Tyrants will shew their people many a Dog-trick when the humour takes them The good they hate for not being wicked and the bad because they are no worse How many Favourites have you ever seen come to a fair and timely end Remember the Emblem of the Sponge and that 's the use that Princes make of their Favourites they let them suck and fill and then squeeze them for their own profit At that word there was heard a lamentable cry and at the same time a venerable old man as pale as if he had no bloud in his veins came up to Lucifer and told him that his Emblem of the Sponge came very pat to his Case For says he I was a great Favourite and a great horder of Treasure a Spaniard by birth the Tutor and Confident of Nero and my name is Seneca Indeed his bounties were to excess he gave me without asking and in taking I was never covetous but obedient It is in the nature of Princes and it befits their quality to be liberal where they take a liking both of Honour and Fortunes and 't is hard for a Subject to refuse without some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of his Master For 't is not the merit or modesty of the Vassal but the glory of the Prince that is in question and he is the best Subject that contributes the most to the splendor and reputation of his Sovereign Nero indeed gave me as much as such a Prince could bestow and I manag'd his liberalities with all the moderation imaginable yet all too little to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious tongues which would have it that my philosophizing upon the contempt of the World was nothing else but a meer imposture that with less danger and notice I might feed and entertain my avarice and with the fewer Competitors Finding my credit with my Master declining it stood me upon to provide some way or other for my quiet and to withdraw my self from being the mark of of a publick envy So I went directly to Nero and with all possible respect and humility made him a Present back again of his own â—â—unties The truth is I had so great a pâ—ssion for his service that neither the severity of his Nature nor the debauchery of his Manners could ever deter me from exhorting him to nobler courses and paying him all the duties of a Loyal Subject Especially in cases of cruelty and bloud I laid it perpetually home to his conscience but all to little purpose for he put his mother to death laid the City of Rome in ashes and indeed depopulated the Empire of honest men And this drew on Piso's Conspiracy which was better laid than executed
for upon the discovery the prime instruments lost their lives and by Divine Providence this Prince was pâ—eserv'd in order as one would have thâ—ught to his repentance and change of life But upon the issue the Conspiracy was prevented and Nero never the better At the same time he put Lucan to death only for being a better Poet than himself And if he gave me my choice what death to die it was rather cruelty than pity for in the very deliberation which death to chuse I suffer'd all even in the terror and apprehension that made me refuse the rest The election I made was to bleed to death in a Bath and I finisht my own dispatches hither where to my further affliction I have again encountred this infamous Prince studying new cruelties and instructing the very Devils themselves in the Art of tormenting At that word Nero advanc'd with his ill-favour'd face and shrill voice It is very well says he for a Princes Favourite or Tutor to be wiser than his Master but let him manage that advantage then with respect and not like a rash and insolent Fool make proclamation presently to the world that he 's the wiser of the two While Seneca kept himself within those bounds I lodg'd him in my bosome and the love I had for that man was the glory of my Government but when he came to publish once what he should have dissembled or conceal'd that it was not Nero but Seneca that rul'd the Empire nothing less than his bloud could make satisfaction for so intolerable a scandal and from that hour I resolv'd his ruine And I had rather suffer what I do a hundred times over than entertain a Favourite that should raise his credit upon my dishonour Whether I have reason on my side or no I appeal to all this Princely Assembly Draw neer I beseech ye as many as are here and speak freely my Royal Brethren Did ye ever suffer any Favourite to scape unpunisht that had the impudence to write I and my King to make a Stale of Majesty and to publish himself a better Statesman than his Master No no they cry'd out all with one voice it never was and never shall be endured while the world lasts For we have left our Successors under an Oath to have a care on 't 'T is true a wise Counsellor at a Prince's elbow is a Treasure and ought to be so esteem'd while he makes it his business to cry up the abilities and justice of his Sovereign but in the instant that his vanity transports him to the contrary away with him to the dogs and down with him for there 's no enduring of it All this cry'd Sejanus does not yet concern me for though I had indeed more brains than Tiberius yet I so order'd it that he had the credit in publick of all my private Advices And so sensible he was of my services that he made me his Partner and Companion in the Empire he caus'd my Statues to be erected and invested them with sacred Privileges Let Sejanus live was the daily cry of the People and in truth my well-being was the joy of the Empire and far and neer there were publick Prayers and Vows offer'd up for my health But what was the end of all when I thought my self surest in my Master's Arms and favour he let me fall nay he threw me down caus'd me to be cut in pieces delivering me up to the fury of a barbarous and enraged Multitude that drag'd me along the Streets and happy was he that could get a piece of my flesh to carry upon a Javelins point in triumph And it had been well if this inhumane cruelty had stopt here but it extended to my poor Children who though unconcern'd in my crimes were yet to partake in my fate A Daughter I had whom the very Law exempted from the stroke of Iustice because of her Virginity but to clear that scruple she was condemn'd first to be ravisht by the Hangman and then to be beheaded and treated as her Father My first failing was upon temerity and pride I would out-run my destiny defie fortune and for Divine Providence I lookt upon it as a ridiculous thing When I was once out of the way I thought doing worse was somewhat in order to being better and then I began to fortifie my self by violence against craft and malice Some were put to death others banisht till in finâ— all the Powers of Heaven and Earth declar'd themselves against me I had recourse to all sorts of ill people and means I had my Physician for poysoning my Assassins for revenge I had my false Witnesses and corrupt Iudges and in truth what Instruments of wickedness had I not And all this not upon choice or inclination but purely out of the necessity of my condition When ever I should come to fall I was sure to be forsaken both of good and bad and therefore I shun'd the better sort as those that would only serve to accuse me but the lewd and vicious I frequented to encrease the number of my Complices and make my party the stronger But after all if Tiberius was a Tyrant I 'le swear he was never so by my advice But on the contrary I have suffer'd more from him for plain dealing and disswading him than the very subjects of his severity have commonly suffer'd by him I know 't is charg'd upon me that I stirr'd him up to cruelty to render him odious and to ingratiate my self to the people But who was his Adviser I pray'e in this butcherly pâ—oceeding against me Oh Lucifer Lucifer you know very well that 〈◊〉 the practice of Tyrants when they do amiss themselves and set their people a grumbling to lay all the blame and punishment too upon the Instrument and hang up the Minister for the Masters fault This is the end of all Favourites cries one Not a half-penny matter if they were all serv'd so says another And every Historian has his saying upon this Catastrophe and sets up a Buoy to warn after-ages of the Rock of Court-favours The greatness of a Favourite I must confess proclaims the greatness of his Maker and the Prince that maintains what he has once rais'd does but justifie the prudence of his own choice and when ever he comes to undo what he has done publishes himself to be light and unconstant and does as good as declare himself even against himself of the Enemies party Up stept Plantian then Severus his Favourite he that was toss'd out of a Garret Window to make the people sport My condition in the World says he was perfectly like that of a Rocket or Fire-work I was carry'd up to a Prodigious Height in a Moment and all peoples Eyes were upon me as a Star of the first Magnitude but my Glory was very short-liv'd and down I fell into Obscurity and Ashes After him appear'd a number of other Favorites and all of them hearkening to Bellisarius the Favorite of